Pseudoporn one shots

http://i.imgur.com/afM1L3t.png

>Day oh god why in Equestria

>You just got back to your house after a day of professional partying with Pinkie.

>It's hard work, but it pays well and someone has to do it.

>You just wish she wasn't so consistent.

>Anyway, as soon as you step through your front door, you freeze.

>A certain princess is at your computer desk for some ungodly reason.

>Your computer is on.

>And she's looking at pony porn.

>Of herself.

>Before you can sprint away and skip country, the door slams shut behind you, coated in a blue aura.

>"ANONYMOUS, WHAT DOTH THOU HAVE TO SAY FOR THYSELF?"

"I WAS FRAMED, I SWEAR!"

>You are not a clever man.

>But she blinks in confusion.

>"WE DO NOT GET THY MEANING. GAZE UPON THIS PICTURE OF OUR POSTERIOR."

>Since it's not like she can give you two death penalties, you slowly edge forward, looking at what she has open.

"W-what about it, your most gracious and forgiving majesty?"

>"WELL, WHAT IS THY ANSWER? DOST THOU WORSHIP THE MOON?"

>As she asks this, she stands from the chair and throws her ass in your face.

>Today, you learned where the full moon of Luna's moon-chart cutie mark is.

 

http://i.imgur.com/zJY9oA5.png

>Day scary implications in Equestria

>After getting back home from your job as Luna's new stocking stuffer, you immediately consider installing a lock on your door.

>Not that it would matter for your current guest.

>Princess Cadance sits at your computer desk.

>And like the princess that came before her, she is looking at porn.

>Unlike the previous princess, this is porn of her husband.

>"...Where did you get this, Anon?" she quietly asks, turning to face you.

"The internet."

>She's nice, right? Surely she won't murder you.

>Right?

>"...I see. And tell me, why do you have this?"

>Don't say for fapping, don't say for fapping...

"For... research?"

>"Oh. Well, that's my reason, too. Do you think Rarity can make this outfit for Shiny?"

"Wut"

 

http://i.imgur.com/rdhDj1N.png

>Day considering assassination in Equestria

>When you step inside your door after your job as Cadance's fetish adviser, you find that you have yet another guest.

>Once again, a princess, her giant white wings extended to full mast.

"Why do I even have a door?"

>Celestia flinches when you speak, spinning around and trying to cover the screen.

>"I wasn't doing anything!"

"...Sure you weren't."

>"...Right. So Anon. Where did you get these pictures?"

>Oh boy. Celestia's a little less understanding than Cadance, you think. Better lie.

"I uh... I took them all myself. I had permission for all of them!"

>For some reason, an uneasy grin comes to her face.

>Oh shit, you forgot that you had some pictures of her. Hope she wasn't looking at those.

>"Anon, do you happen to know of my... students? Such as how I adopted Twilight at such a young... tender age?"

"Uh... Yes?"

>Did she have to be so creepy about it?

>"Well, I happen to be in need of a new royal... photographer. Somepony who can find difficult shots of certain things. Would you be intere—"

"YES!"

>Anything to stop you from hearing Shiny's whimpy grunts. Dear God, how horrifying.

>"Excellent! Your first task shall be obtaining more pictures like this," she said, stepping aside and revealing the screen.

>"I expect to hear from you soon," she said, her horn lighting up. "Use Spike to send the pictures."

>With that, she teleported out.

>Today was an enlightening day.

 

http://i.imgur.com/9ZpzzLD.jpg

>Day Twilight motherfucking Sparkle in Equestria

>You step inside your door and heavily consider suicide, your camera full of pictures that will forever haunt you.

>Since your mind is full of fuck and fillies right now, you barely notice that you have a new uninvited guest.

>After resolving to destroy that computer, you sigh.

"Can I help you, Twilight?"

>She turns back to you, anger in her eyes. When you get close enough, you can see why.

"I can explain!"

>"There are no excuses! Just look at this!"

"I didn't take it, I swear!"

>"Well, I certainly hope not! Look how inaccurate it is!"

>Wait, what?

>"My ears are nothing like that! And the horn is too low, not even close to mine. It's also a lot pointier. And Celestia, the hair! Ooh, this has to be drawn!

"Well, yeah."

>"How could you have ever drawn something this horribly?" she demanded, glaring.

"What? No, it wasn't me!"

>"Don't deny it! I've seen you looking at all those mares so knowingly! I bet this computer is full of awful drawings of all of them!"

"...Well, you have me there. But I didn't draw them!"

>"Who else would spend all this time drawing terrible pony porn?"

"...Fuck."

>"You're taking drawing lessons, mister! Now put that camera down and come with me!"

>God dammit.