Wizard Anon in Equestria pt. 9

You are Anonymous, and you really shouldn't be so nervous about going to meet with a little purple pony. But Applejack's warning still ring in the back of your mind. Like hells you were going to be hooked up to some freaky pony machines! You'd seen enough sci-fi flicks to know what aliens do to captured human specimens. At the first HINT of an anal probe, there would be trouble! You hadn't studied under a Blackstaff for nothing.

 

So you muse and walk, until finally you reach Twilight's combination library/house/tree/thing. The building definitely reminds you of a Seelie structure, nature and artifice seamlessly combined. You have to stoop to knock on the painted door. These ponies certainly are little.

 

The door opens, revealing Spike, apparently rubbing sleep from his green, reptilian eyes. "Oh, hey Anonymous," he says dully. "Come on in." You still can't get over the idea of a BABY dragon. Some of the most powerful creatures above and below, the living avatars of the elements, comparable to the strongest fae... and you're staring at an infant version? Whatever corner of the Nevernever this Ponyland occupies, you think, ducking through the undersized door, it has to be one of the strangest you'd ever visited, and you'd been to Tartarus (twice!)

 

You're greeted by the sight of Twilight Sparkle, standing front-and-center amid a pile of very dusty books. Spike waves a sleepy goodbye before wandering off into another room, leaving you alone with the lavender unicorn. Except... you're not alone. There, trembling behind a bookshelf, sits a winged yellow pony with long, pink hair. Shit, what was her name? Buttershy? Fluttercry?

 

"Good morning, Anonymous," Twilight begins. She sounds a lot more cheerful today than she did last night. You aren't going to trust this pony as far as you can throw her, which... okay, yeah, that'd actually be pretty far. "I figured we ought to start out with a physical exam, so I asked Fluttershy-" that was her name! "-to come over. She spends a lot of time with ani- I mean, with... creatures other than ponies."

 

Oh hells no! That there is probing talk, and you aren't about to be hooked up to any weird machines. Slowly, you back away, hands feeling behind you for the latch to the door, never taking your eyes off of the pony before you. "I can assure you, Miss Sparkle, that I'm perfectly healthy. No need for an exam!"

 

She smiles. She doesn't look threatening, but... "Oh Anonymous. The arrival of a new species in Equestira just might be the biggest scientific event of the century!" Her gaze comes back to reality. "And... umm... of course, if I can compare my notes to the Canterlot archives, then maybe I can find some record about your species and where you come from."

 

Yeah, no. You aren't buying it. You flail around behind you. Damn pony doors and their damn misplaced doorknobs. "And besides," Twilight continues, seemingly oblivious to your scramble. "Didn't Princess Celestia instruct you to teach me about humans?"

 

You grimace. "Human MAGIC." Finally, your fingers find the knob. The door opens behind you, letting in a crisp autumn breeze. "Celestia didn't say anything about human anatomy!" You turn to duck out the door, but in a sudden flash of violet light, Twilight disappears, only to rematerialize in front of you, outside the treebrary. Holy hells below she can teleport THAT quickly?!

 

"Come on, Anonymous," the purple unicorn pleads as you slowly back away, back into the thrice-damned library. "This is for sciiiiiieeeeeence!"

 

"Twilight," you say through clenched teeth, "Lords help me, if I have to blast a hole in the wall to keep away from your freaky machines, I'll do it!" To emphasize your point, you beging conjuring elemental fire around your sweating palms. You don't know what might go wrong with your magic this time, but whatever it is, it can't be much worse than being violated by weird pony technology.

 

Twilight opens her mouth to speak, and shuts it again as Fluttershy trots into view. The yellow pony's normal timidity seems to have evaporated, replaced by a quiet confidence. "Now Anonymous," she begins. Her tone is gentle, soothing even. "I understand you're scared, but there's really nothing to worry about." You relax a bit, your magical flames dissipating. "I promise that nopony is going to do anything to hurt you." Her hooves clatter softly on the wooden floor as she approaches. You don't back up: somehow, on an almost-instinctual level, you trust her, with damned-near ever fiber of your being. Fluttershy reaches one buttery hoof up and presses it against your hand. "You have my word."

 

You try to maintain an air of indifference despite the almost overwhelming sense of calm. "F-fine." You fold your arms across your chest. If it weren't for the silence from your mental wards, you'd swear she just used some sort of empathy spell. "J-just, you can look, but no touching."

 

Twilight strolls through the door, a big giddy smile spread across her face. "Great! Now, if you could just take those clothes off-" NOPE. Nope nope nope. Right now you are the pope of nope. These ponies can't even hope to cope with the scope of your nope.

 

Fluttershy, seeing you tense up, presses a reassuring hoof against your leg. "Twilight, I... umm... don't think Anonymous likes that idea."

 

"You're damn right I don't! One minute you're nicely asking me to get naked, and then the next?" Your eyes narrow as you slam a fist into an open palm. "BAM! Anal probes." The two ponies look utterly bewildered. Twilight, eyes wide, silently mouths the phrase 'anal probes' to Fluttershy, who just shakes her head and shrugs. But you, you're not buying it. "Oh, don't you try to play innocent with me!" You thrust a finger towards Twilight accusingly. "Applejack told me all about your basement of horrors! All about the sick, twisted experiments you perform on foreign lifeforms!"

 

You're angry now. You can feel the magic welling up inside you, the ferocious evocations practically clawing their way up your throat. 'This is a bad idea' some distant part of your mind thinks. 'A wizard never lets emotion rule magic'. But then another part, a dark part, its voice as cool and calm as a mountain lake, reassures you: 'Just. Let. Go.' And you want to-

 

It's then that you notice that both ponies are laughing. Flutteryshy is giggling furiously behind a raised hoof. Twilight has no such compunctions, chuckling openly as tears well up in the corners of her purple eyes. Instantly, your magical fury subsides, caught wholly off guard by the ponies' mirth. "Just WHAT is so hells-damned funny?" you demand, as confused as you are upset.

 

Twilight manages to contain her mirth long enough to speak. "Oh Anonymous... what Applejack told you... well, she might have been exaggerating just a little." The lilac pony shakes her head, tossing her mane in renewed laughter. "Applejack... she has... kind of an odd sense of humor."

 

You stomp your foot angrily. The reverberations spread outward, shaking the treebrary shelves and reminding you just how much bigger you are than these little ponies. "You mean, you don't have horrible machines in your basement?"

 

Twilight regains her composure and nods. "Well, no. It's mostly just my alchemy lab." So it turns out ponies know alchemy.

 

"And you're not going to try and cut me open to examine my insides?" The rear of your skull still aches with unreleased power. In just a fraction of a moment you could let it all go, let the magic cut her down-

 

Then Fluttershy is pressing her hoof against your hand once more. "Oh Anonymous, we'd never do such awful things!" Her eyes brim with compassion. "I gave you my word, didn't I?"

 

You scratch the back of your neck. "No probing?"

 

Twilight flashes you a big, goofy grin. "Not unless you really want me to."

 

Her joke instantly drains any remaining tension from the room, and it hits you just how ridiculous this whole situation is. Then the ponies are laughing again, and you're laughing right along with them in big, hearty guffaws.

 

Eventually, the laughter dies down. "Alright, alright," you relent. "You can do your examination. But are you sure I have to take my clothes off?" Twilight's confusion is obvious. "I mean, wouldn't it be a little... indecent for me do get naked in front of two young ladies?"

 

Twilight rolls her eyes. "Umm, Equestria to Anonymous. WE'RE naked." And so they are.  Well, nobody ever accused you of being a genius. "Although it's actually very interesting that you humans have a taboo against going without clothing." She's levitated a big quill pen and a large length of parchment, and is apparently using her telekinesis to scrawl down some notes. The continued display of mystical power is shocking. Can she really afford to use her magic so trivially? She looks up from her scroll. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask you to do something uncomfortable."

 

You scratch your neck again. "It's no big deal. I guess I'm still getting used to pony culture." To tell it true, you still found their lack of clothes a bit odd. Even centaurs used clothing for ornamentation, or as status symbols, or to denote lineage or social standing. But as they say: 'When in talking horseland, do as the talking horses.' You shrug, and begin to strip.

 

Twilight continues taking notes as you undress, starting with shoes and socks. "Subject is bipedal, like a minotaur or diamond dog, but with a much more compact bone structure." You begin to unbutton your shirt. "Musculature is similarly lean, suggesting an emphasis on mobility over strength." You hang your shirt over the back of a nearby chair and start to pull away at your pants. "Lack of fur explains the clothing and suggests a warm native climate." You peel off your undershirt, revealing the four jagged scars that run parallel across your chest, an eternal reminder of your encounter with She-Who-Waits. "Forepaws each have five digits, and demonstrate remarkable dexterity." You hook your thumbs under the waistband of your boxers. You're just glad it's warm in here... wouldn't want to give humanity a bad name. With a quick tug, you're left as naked as the day you were born.

 

Both Twilight and Fluttershy immediately gasp and turn their heads, bright blushes painting their cheeks. You look down. Nope, nothing out of the ordinary. "Umm... Anon-onymous," Twilight stammers. "W-would you mind putting your... *ahem* your 'equipment' away?"

 

You scratch the back of your neck. "But you just asked me to take my clothes off!" These ponies are confusing.

 

"N-no, it's not that," Twilight replies, trying (and failing) not to glance in your direction. "It's just... could you please retract your *ahem* you know... back into the sheathe?"

 

What in the hells is this unicorn on about? You rummage through your memories, trying to recall what you know about equine anatomy. Oh. OH. "Yeah, about that... humans don't exactly work that way."

 

"You mean you're just..." Twilight waves a hoof in your direction without looking. "All the time?"

 

"Yep." The silence in the room is palpable. "I'm just gonna get dressed now..." Fluttershy mumbles something inaudible and paws at the floor. Though you can't make out her words, she almost sounds disappointed. It doesn't take you long to redress. Both ponies continue to look away, blushing furiously, although you swear you catch the yellow pegasus peeking once or twice. "So..." you begin while buttoning your shirt. "How about we skip the physical for today? You said the other night that we could look at some maps, maybe try to figure out just how far from home I really am."

 

Twilight perks up almost immediately. "Right, maps!" She begins levitating scrolls and tomes off of the library shelves, piling them up on the table. "Let's see... maps of Equestria... maps of bordering nations... topographical maps..." she continues listing various categories as the pile on the table grows large. "Historical maps... star charts... maps of major leylines... maps of minor leylines..." Wait a sec, did she just say-

 

"T-twilight," you interrupt shakily, "did you just say leylines?"

 

The unicorn nods. "Sure! I've got plenty of maps that chart the leylines in and around Equestria."

 

Uh oh. "And you mean, like, LEYlines, right? Natural streams of magical power?"

 

Twilight rolls her eyes. "Of course, Anonymous. Unicorns learn about leylines in fillyschool. How to sense them, how to tap into their power, what spells they're best used for..." She continues reciting information about leylines, but you're not listening. Because the Nevernever doesn't HAVE leylines. And if Equestria DOES have them, then that means... You swallow hard and start to sweat. That means that you're not IN the Nevernever.