Wizard Anon in Equestria pt. 4

You are Anonymous, now a warlock, and you are currently being given a tour of a town called Ponyville by a small purple unicorn named Twilight Spark. Wow, you couldn't even take YOURSELF seriously thinking that. But somehow, despite how absurd it seemed, it was true.

 

"And that's town hall," Twilight says, pointing with a hoof towards a large, round building. She's leading you through the streets of...ugh...Ponyville, the baby dragon called Spike riding lazily on her back. Applejack walks beside you, saying very little. You guessed she wasn't exactly the talkative sort. Big Mac, who had been even quieter than his wife/sister/mother/friend, was nowhere to be seen.

 

Then again, it wasn't necessarily that Applejack was quiet. Maybe it was you. Most ponies quickly darted out of the way on catching sight of your motley procession, the looks of mixed fear and curiosity apparent on their very human-like faces. Clearly you were the first human to come to Equestria, at least in a long time, and compared to the little ponies, you must look quite imposing. You make a mental note of that fact...it might come in handy later.

 

"And this," Twilight is saying, gesturing towards that great big gingerbread house you'd seen earlier, "is Sugarcube Corner. It's the best bakery in Ponyville, but I'm not sure we should go in right now." Her lavender eyes dart back and forth nervously. "It might be best to put off meeting Pin-"

 

She can't even finish the sentence before a great pink blur rockets into sight, nearly bowling you over as it zips past you towards Twilight. In a split second, a pink pony with a puffy bubblegum mane is literally bouncing up and down next to your unicorn guide. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Applejack sigh and roll her eyes.

 

"HiyaTwilightwhatchadoin?Who'stheweirdalienishefriendlywhat'shisnamedoeshelikePARTIES?!?!" Oh gods, it's like one of those cutesy Japanese pop idols rolled around in pink frosting after doing ALL the cocaine.

 

"Pinkie," Twilight says, sounding somewhat exasperated, "you need to slooooow doooown." The pink pony ceases her bouncing, but you can still see her quiver with barely-contained enthusiasm. "This is Anonymous, a visitor from outside Equestria. He's a hyu-mann-" she still can't say it right "-and he's a little...lost. I'm showing him around Ponyville while we wait to hear back from Princess Celestia."

 

Before you can blink, the pink mass of energy has flown into your arms, pressing her face towards yours. Her big blue eyes are a scant inch from your own, and you can feel her hot breath...it smells like cotton candy. "Ummm, hi?" is the best you can muster.

 

Ever so slowly, "Pinkie's" face splits into an impossibly-wide grin. Then suddenly she's dancing a circle around you as you're showered with streamers and conjured confetti. Hadn't Twilight said something about only unicorns performing magic? "Yay! Oh we're gonna have a party for mister Anon, and it's gonna be the best so everyone should come," she starts singing. You swear you can hear a cartoon spring noise every time she bounces.

 

"Pinkie..." Twilight tries to get her attention, but the bubbly blush pony continues dancing laps around you. "Pinkie!" You can hear Twilight growing more agitated. "PINKIEEEEE!" It occurs to you that you haven't heard the purple unicorn raise her voice before, but hell, at least it seemed to get the candy-colored equine's attention. "Ahem," Twilight clears her throat. Yep, definitely the quiet type. "Pinkie Pie, Mister Anonymous here is our guest. So I trust you to make him feel welcome WITHOUT overdoing it."

 

Pinkie Pie...wow, what a name...suddenly stands stock-still, raising one hoof to her brow in the imitation of a military salute. "Aye-aye captain Twilight ma'am!" Where the hells did she get a green army helmet and combat boots? Then, as suddenly as the mock-military ensemble appeared, it vanishes again in a puff of pale violet smoke, and the little pink mare is off running towards the gingerbread bakery.

 

Stunned, you turn towards Twilight, who lets out a weary chuckle. "Don't worry, that's just Pinkie being, well, Pinkie." Lords below, was she like that ALL the time?

 

"She's a mite energetic," Applejack chimes in, "but she's harmless. Mostly." You wonder if it's just the translation spell, or if the orange pony really does have a Southern drawl.

 

You shrug at Twilight, she shrugs back, and your tour of Ponyville resumes. You think to yourself that this magical talking pastel horse land is actually kind of... pleasant. The air is crisp, just starting to take on an autumn chill, and much cleaner than you're used to. It's quiet, too, (though that might be because all the little ponies are still shying away from you) almost serene. Out of all the places a misfired teleportation spell could have dumped you, this one was rather quaint. Sometimes, in the hustle of city life, you missed places like this.

 

Gradually, you tune back in to Twilight's introductions. "And this is Carousel Boutique," she says, pointing a hoof at the somewhat-garish building you'd noticed before. Yep, it certainly does look like a carousel, alright, and the many fake gemstones (they had to be colored glass, you thought) adorning the walls gleam in the midday sun. But wait a minute...

 

"Twilight, did you say 'boutique'?"

 

She cocks her head at you. "Oh, right. Forgot the whole alien-creature-from-another-dimension thing," she says, pawing at the ground. "A boutique is a small store, specializing in fashionable clothing and jewel-"

 

"I know what a boutique is," you interrupt, before she can launch into a long-winded explanation. Twilight seemed very... enthusiastic when it came to lectures. "But what I meant was... that is..." you scratch at the back of your neck. Okay, so it wasn't like most otherworldly creatures wore clothing, even if many faeries did. "What I mean is, aside from Applejack's hat," you gesture towards the headgear in question, "it doesn't seem like you all WEAR clothing."

 

Twilight blinks once... twice... before letting out a girlish giggle. "Don't be silly! Just because we don't always wear wear clothing doesn't mean we don't like to dress up for special occasions." She rubs a hoof over her chin in an all-too-human gesture. "Though I have been meaning to ask you: do hyu-manns always wear so much?" The question sends you back into first-contact, ambassador-of-humanity mode.

 

Looking down, you realize that, with your pants, shirt, jacket, scarf, and shoes, you must seem rather bundled compared to the ponies. "Well," you begin, "we HU-MANS," you say it slowly and loudly, "tend to wear less during the warmer seasons. Since we don't really have any fur," you roll up a sleeve to show off a forearm, "we have to wear heavy clothing to stay warm when it's cold."

 

You realize that Twilight has telekinetically pulled a quill and parchment from a saddleback, and is now levitating the feather pen, scratching out notes. "But you DO still wear clothing, even when the weather is warm?"

 

You nod. "Usually. It's different in different parts of the world, but for most humans, nudity is kind of taboo." You hope the translation spell can find an appropriate term in Equestrian for that word. "Unless you're with family, close friends, or... partners," your emphasis seems to get the meaning across, "you're expected to keep at least some parts covered up."

 

Twilight nods, levitating the quill and paper back into her bag. "Well, if you like clothing, Carousel Botique is the right place." You didn't really like clothing -you were never too fasion conscious- but you nod along anyway. "Rarity is the most fashinable pony in all of Equestria!"

 

At this, Spike bolts up. You hadn't even noticed the tiny dragon's snoring. "R-r-rarity?" He sounds alarmed. Little guy must be easily startled. "How do I look? How're my scales?" He's darting back and forth between Twilight and Applejack now. "How's my crest?" You recognize that adolescent tone. It practically whisks you back to your own uncomfortable high school days. Whoever this Rarity is, Spike here must have it BAD for her.

 

Suddenly, the baby dragon stats clutching at his stomache. "Twilight, I think I'm gonna..." You can't help but chuckle. Man, even at your most awkward, at least you were never this pitiable. Without warning, Spike lets out a great belch, punctuated by a gout of green dragonfire and the appearance of a scroll sealed with red wax. So that must be how they send letters, you ponder.

 

Twilight snatches the scroll from the air as she, Spike, and Applejack crowd around to read. "My faithful student Twilight," she begins to read alound. "I am glad that you informed me immediately of the appearance of a new creature in Equestria. I will send a chariot to Ponyville immediately to pick up our guest. Until it arrives, I ask you to gather the other elements and..." Twilight gulps, her face turning grim.

 

"What is it?" Spike asks anxiously. "What does it say?"

 

Twilight frowns, but continues. "And confine the creature in a safe place. You and the other elements are not, under any circumstances, to live the creature unattended until the chariot arrives." You're not sure how a purple pony could turn so pale.

 

"Is thaht all?" asks Applejack, eyeing you suspiciously.

 

"N-no," Twilight stammers. "It also says that if the crea- if Anonymous resists, we should use...lethal force."

 

You don't like the sound of that. Not one little bit.