BiE 71: Pot to Kettle.

=BiE 71=

 

>Year 2 in Equestria.

>Hour 3 in Canterlot.

>"How about this one?" Lotus asks.

>You look the building over.

>"It's kind of big for a spa, don't you think?"

>Lotus trots up to you. "Dear, half of our current spa is underground."

>"And most of this towers above the street. The old spa worked fine with one story, why does this one need two?"

>Lotus huffs and walks down the street. "You just don't want to have to walk up stairs."

>You follow Lotus.

>"My sloth aside, isn't a two story spa a bit extravagant for our second location?"

>Lotus stops in the street and turns to you. "We have to make our mark here. We need something that these big Canterlot spas can't compete with."

>You raise your arms and silently flex your fingers. "Something else dear."

>"Oh, I see how it is. You've had your fill of my awesome fingers, so now we have to buy a building."

>"We need something, some sort of hook, to get p0nies to come to our spa. You're good, but you're not -that- good." Lotus says.

>You throw your hands behind your head.

>"I blame my teacher."

>"Yes, this is clearly her fault."

>"If she had spent less time with her tongue down my throat, I could compete with these heavy hitters."

>Lotus stops in her tracks and glares at you.

Might have taken this a bit too far...

>You roll your eyes.

>"Sorry."

>Lotus silently turns back and continues down the street.

Great...

>Silent treatment...

 

>You followed Lotus a few feet back as she continued not talking to you.

>"I thought this move was a long while away, why are we here now?"

>Nothing.

>"You're acting like a filly."

>Lotus continued to stare straight ahead.

>"I find your mother attractive."

>Lotus stops in the street and stares at you.

That got her.

>"Can we talk now?"

>Lotus's eyes narrow. "No."

>She then continues trotting down the road.

>Goddamnit.

>"Babe. This is ridiculous."

>Lotus mumbles something as she puts distance between the two of you.

>"What?"

>"I said I don't care and to stop following me!" Lotus shouts from down the road.

>What!?

What is this?

>Is she-?

She's ditching us here!

>You were more than a bit annoyed, this was stupid.

>You cup your hands around your mouth.

>"Those fritters you ate on the train are going to your ass!"

>Lotus flicks her tail at you as she turns onto another street.

>You stand there for a moment before you notice that you are surrounded by p0nies staring at you.

>"What!?"

>The p0nies snap back to their own business and continue walking.

>That's what you thought...

 

>You stomped through Canterlot, ignoring the looks you were getting.

>Eventually, you decided the take a seat on a park bench.

Why's she leave like that?

>She's probably PMS'ing, p0nies do that, right?

Makes the most sense.

>It's not like we lied or anything.

We didn't! If we had spent less time making out, we'd be better at massages!

>You sit and stew for a little while.

>You're still trying to wrap your head around what you did.

>You were always a bit rude, but that had never bothered Lotus before.

>You weren't acting any differe-"Alone in the park?" A voice asked.

>"GAH WHAT THE FUCK."

>A shrill laugh resonates from behind a nearby tree as an enormous stark white p0ny steps out from behind it.

>"Cunting hell, Celestia. Do you just stalk Canterlot in the off chance that I show up? The citizens are going to talk."

>The monarch recomposes herself and speaks. "I happened to be taking a stroll through the city when what did I hear but my favorite human shouting about fritters and rear ends."

>Fuck your life, she heard that.

>You turn your head away as she continues. "I decided to follow you to see if I could gather any clues, but I'm afraid I came up emptyhoofed."

>You dismissively wave a hand and walk down the path out of the park.

>"Good. Stay out of my damn business."

>The clinking of golden horseshoes tells you that isn't going to happen. "Oh come now, Mous. I have been alive for over a thousand years, you couldn't ask for better advice."

>"I could ask somep0ny who isn't trying to stick her nose in my damn business.

>Celestia trots up next to you. "That doesn't sound like you telling me what happened." She sings out.

>You sigh. Can't hurt...

>"Okay, what happened was..."

 

>You walked with Celestia for a while as you both recanted what had happened and answered any of her inane questions.

>"Was she annoyed when you came here?"

>"Did you actually call her fat?"

>"Did she catch you looking at other mares?"

>Eventually you reach your admittedly short limit.

>"No. I did not piss her off and home, or call her fat, and stop projecting your problems on me."

>Celestia chuckles. "Then it sounds like she simply got tired of you being an ass."

>"What? I wasn't being an ass!"

>"Mous, you always act like an ass."

>"Fuck you. I am not."

>Celestia cocks an eyebrow. "Yes. Clearly."

>"That's because I'm annoyed right now!"

>You turn away and lean on a nearby wall.

>Celestia walks up to you. "It's true Mous."

>"Then why has nop0ny said anything?"

>"Perhaps they have. Mous, think to yourself, how many friends do you have?"

 

>You turn to face the monarch. "What is this?"

>"Answer the question." She says.

This is stupid.

>"Anon, Lotus, You, Rainbow...Derpy, Aloe?, Uhh...Applejack...Twilight...Blueblood..."

>"You don't sound too sure about some of those." She says.

>"Piss off, I'm sure about the first four."

>"So, your best friend, his wife, your special somep0ny, and me. We are all the friends you have?"

>"Have you never wondered why?" Celestia asks as she orbits around you.

>"I'm not a p0ny person."

>"That aside, it's because you're an ass. You have four friends because you're a horrible jackass."'

>"Then why they hell has nobody ever said anything?"

>Celestia sighs in exasperation. "I told you. because they're either your best friend, his wife, or your special somep0ny."

>You glance at her. "And you?"

>Celestia chuckles. "I am incredibly old and incredibly patient, I can tolerate some rudeness."

>Tch.

>"You forgot to mention humble."

>"Celestia releases a laugh. "Especially when that rudeness is entertaining."

 

>You stood outside the hotel room you were staying at.

>"This is a bad idea."

>Celestia nudges you forward. "That's never stopped you."

>"She's probably not even here."

>"You won't know until you check."

>You have your hand on the door knob.

>"You should talk to-

>A flash of light and a popping sound interrupts you.

>You look back to see Celestia has made herself scarce.

>"...You bitch."

>You take a deep breath the open the door.

>Lotus turns to look at you as you silently stomp into the room, drop yourself onto the couch, and cross your arms.

>Lotus glares at you for a moment before returning to what appears to be her choice of spa locations.

>"So..."

>Lotus remains facing forward. "So...

>That's good. At least she's talking to you.

>"So, I talked to a friend."

>"Anyp0ny I know?"

>"Uh...an older one."

>Lotus silently nods. "And?"

>You throw our arms into the air and lean back on the couch.

>"And I found out that I'm apparently a gigantic asshole all the time and that you should probably break up with me."

 

>Lotus turns to you. "You found out exactly that?"

>You look at her out of the corner of your eye.

>"I may be paraphrasing."

>She goes back to her list. "It's true, you are an asshole."

>You snap your fingers.

>"See? I knew it."

>"Almost all the time."

>"Preach."

>"Your constant complaining is one of the most grating things I've ever experienced." She says.

>"It makes sense."

>"And any mare with more than half a brain would leave you in the dust."

>"I always knew you were smarter tha-oof!"

>You lean forward to see Lotus's head in your lap.

Uhh...

>"Am I missing something?"

>Lotus turns her head to you. "I'm a twin, sweetheart. I had to split a brain."

>"So...you're not mad at me?"

>Lotus stretches in your lap. "Oh, I'm still mad. But you'd be amazed at how much having to walk around an unfamiliar city all day looking a buildings makes you long for some company."

>Your hand falls from the couch and runs through Lotus's mane.

>"Sorry...That I was an asshole."

>"Anything less wouldn't be you." She says.

>"Wouldn't that be better?"

>Lotus giggles. "Dear, you're an incredible amount of fun to be around. It just has to be in doses sometimes."

>Doses?

>"Uhh...I can work on that, if you want."

>Lotus looks up at you. "All for me?"

>Your eyes dart around the room.

>"Yes?"

>Lotus pulls herself up and rests her head on your shoulder. "I'd like that..."

>Your arms loop themselves around her.

>"How much of a reduction were you looking for?

>"A you who is half as much an asshole would be spectacular."

Hmm...

>"I can give you 75%"

>Baby steps.