Meta in Equestria 3: D&D part 3

Previously on Meta in Equestria

 

#23 and his fellow Anons were playing D&D. In their quest to rescue the character belonging to the absent Gilda they have entered the dangerous jungle below the hunters village. The search began, dice were rolled, a puppy was summoned and now #23 is staring into the face of impending doom. Let’s continue…

 

>FFA: excellent

>MA: #23, better GTFO

>DM: It moves towards #23

>MA: what do we do?

>DAT: 1d20+7 arcana check on creature = 16

>DM: DAT, MOTHERFUCKINGDRAGON

>FFA: I move silently behind it

>MA: WAT

>MA: dragon?

>DAT: IT’S A DRAGON

#23: I back the fuck up

>MA: FFFFF

>FFA: 1d20+13 sneak the fuck away = 16

>SA: OH SHIT GREEN DRAGON

>MA: what level are these tribe-faggots if they can kill fucking DRGAONS?

>DM: It's still going after #23

#23: anyone speak dragon?

>MA: Me

>MA: I talk draconic

>FFA: I keep moving silently past it into the other side of the forest

>FFA: 1d20+13 = 19

>MA: sacrifice hiding for talking to it y/n?

>FFA: yes

>SA: no

>MA: #23, DAT?

>SA: Also, if that thing does some fire breath like shit, we're boned

#23: YES

>DAT: talk to it

>MA: it's probably a young dragon

>MA: no idea how those behave

>FFA: say hi MA

>MA: I say in draconic, loud enough for it to hear "Yo, please don't kill my friend."

>DM: It looks at you

>MA: Fffff...

>SA: Does "yo" translate into dragon?

>MA: Yes

>MA: like "hi" or something

>DM: "Why shouldn't I?"

>FFA: tell him you’re a furfag, show it your dragon dildo

>MA: "Why do you want to kill him? Did we trespass in your territory?"

>FFA: or you are an otherkin

>MA: He can't see me

>MA: He's prolly thinkin' I'm 'nother dragon or something, hah

>MA: or dragonkin

>DM: "This forest is my teritory. But besides that, I'm hungry."

>DAT: I move to prepare to backstab the sucker

>FFA: Offer to give him a sack of gems to eat

>DAT: or offer him the puppy

>MA: Do you have a sack of gems?

>FFA: nope

>MA: Then how the fuck would that help

>MA: "Ugh. Can't you, like, try eating something else? My friend there's kinda bony. Also, we're looking for a friend of ours."

>FFA: ask him if he ate her too

>MA: not yet, FAA

>DM: "Are you one of those hunters that think it’s fun to kill us?"

>MA: "No, I'm not. I'm a unicorn."

>FFA: tell him we can lead a bunch of those hunters into the forest and he can eat them

>MA: HAHA

>DAT: I agree with FFA

>MA: Could be done

>FFA: I hate that village

>DAT: I absolutely completely agree with FAA

>SA: Good idea, but doesn’t that disagree with some of your alignments?

#23: See if he likes cows I may be able to fish one up. Or were they made sentient when this shit was rewritten?

 >FFA: I’m chaotic neutral

>MA: They are sentient

>DM: "Was your friend one of the hunters? Those are the only ones crazed enough to come here. Before you, that is."

>FFA: Tell him he was forced to come into the forest by them

>MA: "Our friend was kind of forced to come with these hunters, 'cause she had the head of a dire mountain lion thing with her when we visited their village."

>DM: "That was your friend? HA!"

>MA: "We just planned to stay for a night and then move on, but well, due to the hunters taking our friend, we've been here in their village for something like a week"

>MA: "Did you eat her..?"

>FFA: he made her go wash dishes

>MA: HA

>FFA: like a mexican

>MA: that dragon's a cotton farm owner

>MA: in b4 buffalo and zebras working for him

>DM: "I wouldn't waste my time. She was too pathetic even for me. Besides, she looked about ready to starve to death."

>MA: "Oh. Where is she?"

>FFA: is the dragon a boy or girl

>DM: "Why should I tell you?"

>MA: 1d20+6 arcane/Dragon=boy/girl? =19

>DM: You see no dragon dong.

>FFA: awesome, can I jam it in?

>SA: You’re a filly

>FAA: *prepares the double sided strap on*

>MA: "Because we want to get her and then get the fuck outta that village? I don't like these hunters too much, seeing as they've taken my friend."

>SA: Oh ok

>FFA: u said it was a young dragon

>MA: Dunno if it is

>FFA: Tell him I’ve got smoked cheese

>DM: "You still haven't told me anything I care about."

>DAT: 1d20+7 arcana check Age of dragon? = 8

>DM: Over 9000 years old.

>FFA: damn

>FFA: too old

>FAA: *puts the strapon away*

>MA: "What would you want in turn for helping us to find our friend?"

>MA: 1d20+6 arcane/Dragon age = 12

>FFA: Haha I think she died

>DM: Somewhere between young and adult.

>MA: FFF...

>MA: Teenager

>MA: unpredictable fuckers

>SA: Dragons don’t live that long

>MA: brb, toilet

>Getting up from his seat MA goes to take a wicked piss

>FFA: still waiting for the dragons answer

>DM: "Well, first, if you want me to pass up your friend here, I'll need something else to eat."

>FFA: I'll give him one of my fucking mules

#23 Dude, we can’t just give him a mule to eat. 1: We hired those 2 mules to pull our cart and if one goes missing the other is going wonder what the fuck happened and 2: 1 mule may not be able to pull a cart full of people, a quarter ton of cheese and all the crap we have been picking up.

>FAA: Fine

>MA: back

>SA: Tell him we'll bring hunters

>FFA: That’s a better idea

>SA: Or suggest vegetarianism

>FFA: hunters then

>FFA: I kinda like my mules

>MA: if I had epic diplomacy, I could make the dragon go veggie

>FFA: Cuz they can’t procreate

>MA: "Well, we could go get you some of the hunters to eat. If necessary, we'll also help killing them.."

>DAT: I vote for the villagers being led in

>DM: "I think that would suffice."

>DAT: I vote we kill the entire village for his pleasure and consumption

>FFA: how many does he want?

>MA: "First hunters then you help or vice versa? I for one would prefer getting my friend first."

>DM: "I don't think you are in a position to bargain."

>MA: I sigh. "Well, how many do you want?"

>FFA: fuck him, lets fill him up on warriros and then when he’s full we kill him

>DM: "As many as possible."

>MA: HA

>DAT: I vote that we kill the villagers one by one

>MA: "Okay...We'll try our best."

>FFA: that sounds good

>DM: "I'll be waiting here."

>DAT: Ok fags, here’s the plan

>FFA: we need to separate one from the village

>MA: I tell the others to follow me and begin walking back to the village

>FFA: let’s go

>DAT: We bluff villagers to a secluded corner one at a time

>MA: who's got epic bluff?

>FFA: not I

 >DAT: Mine is +7

>DAT: who has higher?

#23: I have a plan

>DAT: anyhow the rest are hidden, ready to backstab

>DAT: what plan?

>FFA: I have sneak attack

>DAT: ok me and FFA stay hidden ready to sneaky attack

>DAT: #23 can cast silence to ensure their screams are not heard

#23: I cast my fishing pole and think of a huge bag of weed

>FFA: plus my move silently and hide bonuses are +13

>MA: I have +1 bluff

>MA: I need some help

#23: we get them high as hell and convince them to come

>DAT: we need to convince them to smoke the weed first though

>MA: DAT, you're the bluffer

>MA: You do that shit

>FFA: Bluff like you've never bluffed before

>DAT: ok let’s get back to the village first

>MA: I'm a wizard, I kill monsters. It's not like I'll be useful in this 'quest'

#23: where did the puppy go anyway?

>DM: He's with you.

>DM: Also, he's peed on you.

>DAT: I vote we lure the shopkeepers out first, and then after we feed them to the dragon we can loot their store

>MA: good idea

>FFA: let’s start with children first

#23: are we just going to keep killing everyone we meet?

>DM: Why stop a timeless tradition?

#23: good point

>FFA: maybe if everyone we met weren’t assholes

>DAT: indeed

>DM: So...

>DAT: 1d20+12 knowledge check local for village population = 13

>MA: lol

>DM: You have no idea.

>FFA: 1d20+1 local =7

>FFA: fuck

>DAT: MA and #23?

>DM: You're guessing about 15

#23: 1d20 = 3

>MA: 1d20+3 knowledge/local = 15

>FFA: yay MA

>DM: #23, you don't remember any village.

>MA: I don't actually have that in my skill list, so I'm only applying my int mod

>DM: MA, at least a couple hundred.

>FFA: damn

>MA: FFF

>FFA: okay children first

>MA: Take too much time killing them all

>DAT: We start by poisoning the water supply

>MA: I vote we kill the fighters first

>DAT: water supply and their booze

>FFA: I say we teleport that fucking dragon to the astral plane

>DAT: #23 fish out some tasteless, odorless hard to detect poison

>MA: colorless, too

>MA: *colour

>FFA: *color

>MA: *colour

>FFA: *color

>MA: fucking americans

>MA: *colour

>FFA: *color

>MA: *colour

>FFA: *niggers

>MA: *faggot

>SA: What the fuck was that about

>DAT: No idea

#23: I cast and think of tasteless odourless and colorless poison

>FFA: *Gaping marehood

#23: in bottles shaped like a horse vag

>MA: *Gushing gaping marehood dripping juices

>DM: You get a bite

#23: I reel it in

>MA: Hay

>MA: Are we still standing near the dragoness or are we already further away?

>DM: You get a bottle that says "Rohypnol" on the label

#23: sweet

>FFA: okay, where's there water supply

>MA: 1d20+3 knowledge/poisons? = 5

>MA: hah

>DM: You think it would be a good idea to drink it.

>DM: You guys haven’t moved.

>FFA: we're not at the village?

>DAT: we move towards the village

>MA: I ask #23 if it would be a good idea to drink that stuff

#23: umm no because it is poison

>MA: 'Kay

#23: At least that is what I asked for

>FFA: Time to date rape some fillies

>MA: Also, we move to the village

>MA: out of the dragon's sight

>MA: (in b4 rape by dragon)

>DM: Which way are you going?

>DAT: If we dope them up enough, the dragon will get doped too

>FFA: west

>DAT: then we can slay teh dragon

>DAT: we move towards the village?

>MA: yes

>FFA: the opposite way we came from

>MA: towards the village

>DM: OK

>DM: You're back at the cliff

>DAT: We go up the cliff to the village

>DM: OK

>MA: jesus

>DM: You're now in the village

>SA: Ok guys I need to step out for a bit. I need to get something before the market closes so I’m just going to leave my character sleeping in the cart

>DM: OK

>SA: I shouldn’t be gone too long

#23: I hand FAA the bottle

>FFA: awesome

>MA: 1d20+4 watersupply = 10

>MA: spotting it

>DM: For reference, the bottle is about the size of a Coke bottle.

>DM: And shaped like a gaping mare vagina

>DM: And you fail, MA.

>MA: FFF

>FFA: 1d20+6 spot well =26

>DM: You see a well.

>FFA: fuck yeah

>MA: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

>MA: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

>FFA: I move silently over to the well

>DM: OK.

>FFA: 1d20+13 move to well = 29

>DM: OK

>MA: 1d20+4 spot villagers =13

>DM: You sneak up to the well in the middle of town.

#23: backstab the well

>FFA: I hide behind it

>DM: And you do, in fact, see vilagers.

>DM: Lots of vilagers.

>FFA: 1d20+13 hide = 15

>MA: Do any of the villagers look at FFA?

>DM: You can't really hide, seeing as how the well is surrounded by people.

>FFA: I move silently away from the well

>FFA: 1d20+13 move away =30

>MA: god damnit FFA

>MA: you and your rolls

>DM: You are not heard moving away.

>FFA: I think we should wait till night guys

>MA: yeah

>MA: or at least until no people are nearby

>DAT: If I had hide in plain sight I could do it

>FFA: I have concealment

>MA: fuck

>DM: So you're waiting?

>FFA: fuck yeah u fucker

>MA: I don't have an invisibility-spell

>DAT: how about we sneak into people’s houses at night, dope their breakfast

>FFA: oh wait

>DAT: sneak out

>FFA: I have invisibility

> The door to the common room opens and in walks a purple maned pegasus.  Covered in splotches of dirt and looking a bit exhausted. She removes her saddlebag as she makes her way to the table.

>Scoots: oh crap, how late am I?

>MA: hey Scoots

#23: hi

>DAT: Not too late

>Scoots: YAY

> She begins pulling out her gaming supplies.

#23: We could still go with my plan. We build a couple fires toss in large amounts of weed and invite the villagers to listen as I sing them the tales of their hero Gilda. We stand up wind and they get high.

>Scoots: Wait, what’s going on now?

>DAT: We now need to kill some villagers to feed a dragon so that he can help us find Gilda

>DM: They're about to poison an entire village to death.

>Scoots: oh shit

#23: HAHA she is so cute when she swears

>Scoots: hey

>FFA: my cloak of deception maneuver gives me greater invisibility

>DAT: FAA, let’s go to the bar and dope the booze

>Scoots: oh Celestia, I need to smash stuff

>MA: hehehe

>DAT: all in favor of doping the booze?

>FFA: MA, should I go invisible and spike the water

>MA: invis & spiking water sounds good

>MA: if the bottle is invis, too

>MA: also, doping booze is fine, too

>Scoots: where are we?

>One short explanation later

>MA: Scoots, go get out of the cart and meet us

>DAT: doping the booze may give us a chance of knocking out the fighting men

>FFA: yeah greater invisibility makes everything on my person invisible

>MA: we're near the town well

>FFA: DAT how would we spike the booze

>FFA: there’s no booze well

>Scoots: *moves away from the cart to consume cheese*

>DM: So what are you faggots doing?

>DAT: we spike the booze in the bar

>Scoots: I’m going to join the party now

#23: I'm going to get some food for my puppy

>FFA: Fuck it I’m spiking the well

>DAT: FAA can sneak in since he is invisible

>FFA: DAT what would I spike in the bar

>DM: Would you fuckers do something?

>MA: FAA, just go invis and spike the fucking well

>DAT: you sneak into the bar whilst invisible, pour the poison into the booze, sneak back out

>FFA: I use cloak of deception

>MA: half the poison into the well

>MA: or 2/3rds maybe

>DAT: wait

>DAT: I has a great idea

>MA: Rest into booze after we secured some

>MA: wut?

>DAT: We spike one particular barrel of booze,

>FFA: okay ill pour 2/3

>FFA: I move silently to the well

>DM: OK.

>FFA: 1d20+13 = 20

>DAT: then we offer to pay for the drinks of everyone at the bar

>DM: Success

>DAT: buying them booze from the spiked barrel

>FFA: I pour 2/3 the bottles content into the well

>DM: OK.

>DM: The well is now more dangerous than the punch bowl at prom.

>DAT: Could #23 fish out more bottles?

>Scoots: Why do we have to be all sneaky and stuff? Can’t we just fight them and drag em to the dragon?

>MA: because there’s a few hundred villagers here and we would get our flanks handed to us

>Scoots: Bunch of scaredy foals

>DAT: #23 get more poison

#23: I go behind the cart and fish for more of the poison

>FFA: alright, now we wait

>DM: You pull out a bottle with illegible characters on the label

>MA: I can cast comprehend languages

>MA: want me to read what it is?

#23: I give it to MA to check what I is

>MA: 1d20+7 decipher script = 18

>MA: if that works

>DM: It's really fukken poisonous.

>DAT: FAA, dump everything into the well

>MA: I tell #23 that

>DAT: EVERYTHING

>MA: and give the bottle back

>DM: The "one drop can kill 100 people" poisonous.

>MA: fuck yeah

>MA: for the killing 100 people

>DAT: and #23, get more poison

>MA: is FAA still invis?

>FFA: no

>FFA: But I can spend a minute to regen the manuever

>DAT: yes

>DAT: do it

>MA: do it, FAA

>FAA: Ok I wait a few minutes

>DM: It was in Infernal, by the way. The language.

#23: umm why don't you hang on to that then MA

>MA: Also, I tell everyone the bottle is from an infernal or something

>DAT: In the meantime #23can get more poison

>MA: Hang on to what?

>FFA: I say we stuff that bottle into one of the corpses we feed to the dragon

#23: The bottle of poison, I don’t want to hold this crazy deadly shit.

>Scoots: I’ll take it

>DAT: NO

>MA: NO

#23: NO

>Scoots: Awwwwww

>DAT: #23, fish out 6 more bottles of poison, MA hang on to the bottle of infernal poison

>MA: k

>MA: I put the bottle into my backpack

>DAT: We keep bottle of infernal poison for the dragon

#23: I fish for more poison that is colorless odorless and tasteless

>DM: You pull out another bottle

>DM: It is also written in incomprehensible characters

#23: I give it to MA to check

>MA: 1d20+7 decipher script = 12

>DM: It's Infernal.

>MA: Infernal again.

#23: I cast again for more poison

>MA: Can I roll again to read the newer infernal bottle again? Or would I get the same result?

>DM: You can try

>FFA: 1d20+6 spot to see if people are date raped yet = 24

>MA: 1d20+7 decipher = 10

>DM: Not yet

>MA: ...

>DM: You got jack shit.

>MA: fucking

>MA: just get the bottles

>MA: I'll cast comprehend language later

>MA: to read them

>DAT: read them all at once

>FFA: we'll just pour everything into the well

>DAT: Can we do a timeskip and assume #23 has all 6 bottles of poison?

>MA: I vote yes

>MA: to timeskip

>FFA: I vote cocks

>DM: MA has been putting the bottles in his bag, right?

>FFA: yes

>MA: yeeeeeaah, I did

>DM: One timewarp later

> Looking over FFA notices Scootaloo has her head on the table, eyes closed.

>FFA: Scoots u alive?

>Scoots: Yeah

>She sits up with a piece of paper stuck to the side of her face.

>Scoots: Kinda

>DM: ONE TIMEWARP LATER...

#23: *jumps to the left*

>DM: HAH

>FFA: What r u again

>Scoots: Class?

>FFA: yeah

>Scoots: Crusader!

>MA: I get into the cart, get the bottles out and cast comprehend languages on myself. Then I read what stands on the bottles

>Scoots: I Crusade in the name of Dash’l goddess of cool!

>DM: You only find one bottle in your bag.

>MA: wat

>MA: Where'd the others go?

>FFA: To the astral plane

>Scoots: Wow really?

>MA: Where the fuck did the other bottles go?

>FFA: DM fagotree

>DM: You don't know.

>MA: ...

>MA: Fucking search

>DM: You find nothing.

>MA: I ask the others if they've seen the bottles

#23: Haven't seen shit captain

>FFA: I hate this village, gimme that bottle of super poison

>FFA: I’m killin them all

>FFA: And raepin the dead fillies

>DM: So...

>Scoots: Aww don’t kill the fillies

>Scoots: We should take them with us. I can show em how to be awesome crusaders like me

>FFA: let's kidnap one or two

#23: kill em all and let Luna sort them out

>FFA: To start the harem

>MA: 1d20+6 knowledge/ where the fuck did the bottles go = 24

>DM: You don't know.

>MA: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

>DM: Nothing else is missing.

>FFA: I think that vegetarian chilli I ate for lunch isn’t agreeing with me. Be back in a bit

> Rising from his chair FFA rushes to the toilet

>MA: I examine the bottle that's left and read what's on it

#23: the puppy still here?

>DM: Yep

#23: sweet

>DM: MA,

>DM: The bottle says something to the effect of "WARNING! EXTREMELY LETHAL!" etc, and lists the ingredients, 90& of which you've never heard of.

>MA: wtf

>MA: 1d20+3 general check to guess wtf that 90% is  = 20

>DM: It appears to contain multiple poisons, and many of them concentrated.

>MA: ...

>MA: HA.

>DAT: Dump it in the well

>MA: Did the other bottles get absorbed or something?

>DAT: Can we assume FFA dumps it in the well?

>MA: we need FFA for invisibility

>MA: durr

>DM: You don't know.

>Scoots: I still don’t know why we have to kill everyp0ny

>Scoots: Can’t we just go fight the dragon? Or maybe let it eat Gilda so we can do stuff

#23: Didn't the first bottle already get put in the well?

>DAT: Scoots has a point

>DM: The first bottle was 2/3 dumped in the well.

>MA: I think we should save this bottle for the dragon

>DAT: We don’t know if it will work on the dragon

>MA: 1d20+6 Arcana/Dragon=vulnerable against xbox poison? = 17

>DM: Probably.

>DAT: probably is not good

>MA: I tell DAT about the bottle

>DM: OK

>MA: And I tell the others about it, too

>MA: (/r/ knowledge checks)

>DM: For what?

>MA: from someone with high arcana/know to find out if the dragon's gonna get killed

>MA: I failed

>DAT: I already did, I also got the answer of probably

>MA: that was another poison, DAT

>MA: this one seems to be different from the first infernal one

>DAT: 1d20+7 will poison kill dragon? = 21

>DM: Probably.

>MA: goddamnit

>MA: fucking probably

#23: I look around the village to see if the first bottle had any effect on people

>DM: You do notice that fewer people are about, but the general populous is fine so far.

>MA: 1d20+4 spot, people dead? =19

>DM: None yet.

>MA: I say we hide the current bottle somewhere

>MA: they may suspect us if people die

>DAT: I say we poison the entire village

>DAT: think of the loot

>Scoots: YAY! Loots for Scoots

>MA: HAHA

>MA: I think my unicorn will eventually go CN if we keep this killing up

>DAT: we are doing it to save Gilda

>DM: That's seriously chaotic neutral.

>DM: Maybe chaotic good.

#23: Why not just say fuck her and move on if she is alive she can catch up later

#23: If not more loots for us

>DAT: Lawful: stand by friends

>DM: So what are you faggots doing?

>DAT: Poisoning the whole village?

#23: eating cheese

>DM: ...

>DM: Would you faggots do something?

>DAT: I say we empty the bottle into the well

>MA: Is it night, DM?

>DM: Sure.

>MA: Also, who has good sneaking?

#23: I have +6 t move silent

>DAT: I have good sneaking

>DAT: i have +11

>MA: DAT, sneak to the well and empty the 1/3-left poison into the well and put 1/3 of the other into it, too

>DAT: ok

>MA: we need the rest for the dragon

>MA: But take care nobody sees you

>DAT: 1d20+12 move silently = 15

>DM: You sneak to the well

>DM: And once there you...?

>DAT: I empty the first bottle in, and 1/3 of the other bottle in

>DM: OK.

>DM: It is done.

>MA: sneak back

>DM: OK

>DAT: I sneak back

>DM: 1d20+12 Move silently = 19

>DM: Ok

>DM: You have silently moved yourself back to the wagon.

>DM: Are you guys doing anything else?

#23: now what?

>DAT: wait for everyone to die

>MA: I guess we wait for people to die