Anon Tries to Charge his Phone (pinkie)

    >"So...yeah, the only way I can charge my phone is to stick this wire into Celestia's hair."

    "Anon, I've told you a million times, that's not going to charge your phone. I'm already working on a way to-"

    >"Bullcrap! If I charge my phone in her hair, it's gonna get like, supercharged. I'm talking InFamous level of supercharge, turn that shit on and it's gonna be like BA-BA-BOOM! ZAPPO!"

    "Do you even know how electricity works?"

    >"I know how I want it to work."

    "I want you to go wash your face with cold water, go outside and slam your head into a tree until some common sense comes loose inside that thick skull of yours.

    >Twilight is majorly cramping your style.

    >Her little purple brain is just too small to realize your ambition.

    >If you charge your phone using Celestia's space-hair, you can listen to your music again! You can maybe make a phone call! Your porn will turn into 3D porn!

    >Damn, why are you so smart sometimes?

 

>But no, seriously, you need your porn.

>The p0nies are looking sexier and sexier everyday, you must retain your purity.

>Just yesterday Pinkie Pie asked you if you wanted some cupcakes and you said "I'd like to try some of YOUR cupcakes.

>And then you LOOKED at her.

>And then she NOTICED you looking.

>And then she WINKED.

>And then you couldn't stop SCREAMING.

>So yes. You're reaching the absolute tolerances of your why-boners.

>Twilight doesn't understand just how badly you need super-phone.

>This is something that goes beyond porn, or poorly organized music, or making drunk texts in the middle of the night when you know damn well that there's crap reception in p0nyville.

>It's a question of moral fortitude. You're only a man.

>You watch the sun make it's trek in the sky.

>Perhaps you can communicate with her from down here?

 

>You busy yourself trudging rocks to and from the fields.

>Lift with your legs, maximum deadlift for maximum swoleness.

>Twilight passes by.

"What are you doing, Anon?"

>Play it cool play it cool play it cool

>"I'm trying to get Celestia's Attention."

>You stupid

"You think she's going to see a sign made of rocks up in the sky?"

>"Yes."

"What did you even write here?"

>She looks at the giant sign you've arranged on the ground

DEAR PRINCESS CELESTIA I WANT TO DO STUFF TO YOUR HAIR EVEN THOUGH TWILIGHT SAYS ITS A SCIENTIFIC TRAVESTY

>She doesn't even try to call you an idiot.

>"I think it's important that she know you're not being supportive of the hopes and dreams of your friends."

>You scratch behind your ear.

"Anon you have to take this sign down and put the rocks back."

>"The rocks told me to put them here in the first place."

"No they did not."

>"You don't know that."

"ROCKS DON'T TALK!"

>"Well maybe they just don't talk to YOU! 'Cus you'd just put them down whenever they try to have fun."

"What could rocks do to possibly have fun!??!"

>"IF YOU STOPPED BEING SO JUDGEMENTAL MAYBE THEY'D TELL YOU!"

 

>You cross your arms and stick your nose up.

>"That's your problem.  You just don't know how to listen."

>She facehoofs.

"Anon...Anon...I...no.  Not this afternoon.  Not today.  I have to go to Mayor Mare's office and talk to her about the flooding down in Whitetail."

>Her horn lights up.

>The rocks float away into less literate positions.

"Just behave for the rest of the day."

>She trots off.

>You watch her trot off.  Trot...and sway...left, right...

>That's right girl, shake dat flank, shake it all ni-NONONO STOP IT!

>Time is running out.

>You hiss at the vacating mare

>She assumes she is the boss of you.

>So what if her official title is "Royal Human-Thing Handler."

>You pick up a rock that her magic has missed and pet it gently.

>"Do not worry my igneous friend.  Her wiles and black magic will not foil our plans."

>You kiss the rock.  "Be free" you whisper as you set it back onto the grass to continue its simple rock life.

>You have a mission, however.  You throw your hands behind your back and run like sanic the hedgehog to Twilight's tree house library thing.

>An idea has struck.

 

>You must apply all of your unbidden genius to this.

>You slam open the door to her house.

>Spike jumps up in surprise.

>You point a finger threateningly at him.

>"If you interfere or tell the witch of my schemes I'll skin your hide for a belt!"

>He yelps and runs to the kitchen to drown his fears in ice cream.

>For the moment you are safe.  But not long.  You can feel your why-boner gathering energy.  Soon it will become unstable and unleash its power all over the country-side.

>You must work fast.  Time is of the essence.  Your Essence is of the essence!"

>Moments later you are rummaging through Twilight's basement laboratory.  You grab anything and everything that's labelled "explosive" "volatile" and "do not eat."

>Your plan was simple.

>Mix it all together.

>And then drink it.

>The magical contents will combine and form some kind of NASA grade rocket potion which you will then introduce to your superior human biology.

>You will then evolve into Rocket-Anon!

>Iron Man would be so jelly.

>With your new super powers you will blast off through the sky, the atmosphere and space itself!

>Then you will reach the sun, then Celestia will have no choice but to charge your phone!

>And to think you failed Chemistry class.

 

>You run outside the house carrying a large wooden box of dangerous elixers.

>It feels like your balls are on fire.  Like there are little demons living inside your kool-aid jammers and they want to be exorcized.

>RIGHT.  NOW.

>You grit your teeth.  The muscles in your jaw start to bulge.

>That's not the only thing that's bulging, hur hur.

>"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

>Scootaloo stares in disapproval.

>You flip her off.

>You haphazardly drop the box of chemicals.  One of them buzzes angrily.

>You take out a big empty mixing bowl and a whisk.

>One by one, each bottle of distilled high-yield explosives is poured into the bowl by order or color and how delicious they smell.

>You stir vigorously.

>Small clouds of smoke in the shapes of skulls, X's and hearts float away form the bubbly and occasionally sparking cauldron.

>It's ready, it has to be.

>You take a deep breathe.

>A small chunk of your brain turns into a pill bug and rolls out of your ear.  You shrug.

>No porn for him, you guess.

>You smile widely and lift the bowl into the air

>"SET CONTROLS FOR THE HEART OF THE SUN!"

>You open your mouth and tip the bowl.

"Hiya Anon, whatcha doin'?"

>OH GOD NO NO FUCK FUCK FUCK!

 

>There's pure evil with full hot-pink curls is staring you down.

>She's blind-sided you, you toss the intestines-eviscerated bowl into the air.  It lands several yards away from you and burns a hole that heads straight to the center of the earth.

>It hits the Smooze on the way down, pissing him off severely.

"What were you about to drink there, Anon?"

>"Salvation, but now the way is closed."

>Nothing can save you now.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that.  I didn't mean to spook you like that."

>"Well, that's um...uh"  You could feel your tenderloins sizzle.

>That...sweet voice...her big blue eyes, they're like ice that...turned really....sexy...diamonds.

>NO STOP IT DICK LEAVE ME ALONE!

>You hear an evil laughter come from your pants.

>Pinkie Pie places a hoof between your legs.

"So Anon, I couldn't stop thinking about how you didn't have any of my cupcakes earlier today.

>"I uh...remembered how Ms. Cakes cupcakes are too dry for me?  And I was really dehydrated this morning.  Yeah.  Sorry.  Maybe next time."  She batted her thick eyelashes and giggled airily.

"I'm sorry to here that..."

>She took another step closer.

"But maybe you could try one of my cupcakes.  They're really..."

>She her tongue slowly licks the side of her lips.

"Moist."

 

>All shields online.  Sound the alarms.  Alert next of kin.

>"Cup...kisses are...icing.  I don't because sugar. And no.  Bad thoughts.  Bad.  Bad."

>She covers her mouth and snickers.  Her hair bounces from her laughter.

"Sometimes the things that come out of your mouth make no sense."

>"No.  Not at all.  I'm stupid.  I'm talking all-balls retarded.  It's contagious, don't touch me."

>She sat down between your legs and raised a hoof to rub in little circles on your chest.

>You wonder if you can make a break for that hole and dive into the earth's core.

"Well, I think little ol' Pinkie shouldn't worry about catching a little silliness."

>She looks you straight in the eye.  You can feel her gaze pierce to the back of your skull like a bullet through JFK.

>Your cheeks are hot enough to roast marshmallows.

>She touches them.  You can FEEL her.  Every soft, velvety smooth strand of fur on that round little hoof caressing your cheek and it's COMPROMISING YOU!

>Inside your head there is a sinking ship.  A band is playing on it as synapses try to jump off.

>"Words...and...things.  No.  Please don't."  You start to shake like the chihuahua you are.

>She raises her other hoof and brushes against the nuclear bomb set to go off in your pants.  Electricity zaps up your boing-loins.

"Oh!"  she covers her mouth and her eyes go wide with surprise.  "Is that a balloon?"

>She smiles coyly.

"Or maybe it's a lollipop.

>She places her hooves around your shoulders and places her mouth just above your forehead.  She places a small kiss there.

"What could it be."

>She plants another kiss in between your eyes.

"It's like a surprise."

>She kisses your nose.

"And I just love surprises."

 

>She leans her forehead against yours and presses her muzzle against your nose.  You can feel her warm, sweet breath flow from those full sweet candy-coated sugar brain lips no fight FIGHT IT FIGHT IT YOU BASTARD!

>Your brain pulls all the stops.  It summons every ounce of will, revises every dirty trick and tactic you've learned throughout your life, and sends overwhelming amounts of testosterone that's not already being consumed by your lobster-johnson to your fighting muscles.

>One final message of hope and desperation is launched into your consciousness.

>It's time to man up.

>You take a deep, shaky breath.

>"I need an adult."

>She giggles softly.

"I'm a year older than you."

>Men, it's been an honor serving with you.

>You get your first p0ny kiss from Pinkie Pie.

>You get your first p0ny EVERYTHING from Pinkie Pie.

>Fuck.

>Oh you did plenty of fucking alright, hur hur.

>You cry on your bed the next night.

>Now you'll never be a wizard.

>You lie in bed, pillow soaked with tears of shame, thinking over life's cruelties.

>You stare at the moon.

>You just wanted to charge your phone.