Pastebin launched a little side project called HostCabi.net, check it out ;-)Don't like ads? PRO users don't see any ads ;-)

Untitled1 sec ago
Untitled2 sec ago
Untitled5 sec ago
Untitled9 sec ago
Untitled13 sec ago
Untitled15 sec ago
Untitled18 sec ago
Untitled22 sec ago

The Tales of Cap'n Anon'mous and Crew.

By: IntoTheVoid on May 16th, 2012 | syntax: None | size: 29.46 KB | hits: 263 | expires: Never

download | raw | embed | report abuse | print

Text below is selected. Please press Ctrl+C to copy to your clipboard. (⌘+C on Mac)

(No longer being written.)
(Dissregard the above.)
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>And ye be sailing the Equestrian high Seas.
>Ok Ok… yer on a raft in Ponyville lake.
>Avast! There be a merchant ship!
>It has plenty o’ Silver!
>Ye paddle yer raft over.
>”Hi anon, is plundering booty your fetish?”
“NAY! RUM BE!”
>Ye stab her with ye’s saber.
>”I’ll.. always… love you…”
“Thee Treasure Be Mine!”
>Ye break open the chest with ye’s pegleg.
“Wait.. that not be silver!”
>Suddenly thar be a schools worth o’ Silver Spoons
>An’ they all be tugging at yer pantaloons.
Arr! The sea be a cruel mistress!
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>T’day, ye be sailin’ thee Ponyville sea.
>Arr! Thar be thee ghost o’ dread pirate Fluttershy.
>”I told you I would always love you anon, and I brought rum. Can we have sex now?”
“NAY! YE BE A SPIRIT!”
>Ye stab her ‘gain.
>T’is time, it draws nay any blood.
“What be t’is sorc’ry!”
>”I’m dead you drunken pirate…”
“Oh!”
>Ye throw ye’s cross at her.
“Take That Devil!”
>It does nothing.
“I give up.”
>Ye jump o’er board.
>Suddenly Ye’s bein’ hauled aboard by Silver Beard the Horrid.
>“OMG HAY ANNON! I gots niec and tan for you! And I’m sooooo horneeey! LOL”
“ARRG! TAKE ME NOW DAVEY JONES!”
>Ye jump back o’erboard.
>Yer first ‘ate, Pipsqueak ironsides, ‘aul’s ye back aboard ye’s own ship.
E’ryday be a fine day fer Rum.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous! The Scorge of Ponyville Lake!
>And, ye and ye’s first mate be on the search for buried treasure!
>“LOL OMGosh!”
>”Cap’n Anon! It’s Silver Beard the Horrid!”
“Quiet Pipsqueak Ironsides! Ye don’t want ‘er to find us? DO YE?”
>”No Captain!”
“Good! Now keep dig’n!
>”I struck something Captain!”
“Bring ‘er up my boy!”
>Ahh… she be a fine chest!
>Ye open thee chest with ye’s trusty pegleg.
>And a Fluttershy pops out!
“Fluttershy! I thought Ye were dead!”
>”No Anon! Our love can overcome even death!”
“First mate Ironsides! Fire the cannons! Broadside the beast!”
>”Aie Aie Captian!”
>”Wha-“
>A cannonball slams Fluttershy back into thee chest, throwin’ thee whole damn’d thing back into thee sea.
“Well done Ironsides!”
>“LOL OMGosh it’s like totally Annon’s ship!”
“PIPSQUEAK IRONSIDES! LET ME ON BOARD NOW!”
>”ON IT CAPTIAN!”
>”Like, hurry up DT! He’s totally getting away!”
>Phew, that be to close for comfor’.
Thee sea be as forgivin’ as she be cruel.
>Ye Be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Blight of the Equestrian waters!
>And ye be out of rum!
>Wait.. what be that sound…
>OH GOD! BE IT THE SOUND OF SOBRIETY!?!
>Nope, it be Cap’n Davey Jacks ship.
>It be not as bad.
>”Captain Anonymous! What are ya’ll doin’ in the lake?”
“I be sailin’ the one sea! Searchin’ for booty other than Fluttershy’s to plunder an’ rum to drink!”
>“Oh Celestia, ya didn’t bring fluttershai into this madness did’ja?”
“I CAN’T MAKE ‘ER STOP!”
>”Well hang on a secon’ I’ll talk ta her, where is she anyways?”
“In a chest in a hole at thee bottom of thee sea.”
>”…What in tarnation…”
“Pipsqueak Ironsides did the deed!”
>“You told me to!”
“Ye still did it lad!”
>”Hold ya horses! A chest washed up a few days ago with a big cannonball sized hole in it, could that be the one she was in?”
“That be the one lass!”
>Oh hey look, thar be her bloated corpse floatin’ past ye ship now.
>”YOU BUCKERS KILLED FLUTTERSHAI!”
“Ye speak as if it hasn’t happened before…”
>”OF COURSE IT HASENT! YA ONLY DIE ONCE!”
>”Anonymous! I’ve come back from the dead for you my love!”
>”What in tarnation…”
>”Is reincarnation your fetish Anonymous?”
“IT WASN’T THE FIRST TIME YE CAME BACK YE WRENCH!”
>Ye throw yer empty rum bottle at ‘er head, sending ‘er back to thee depths.
He Who be gazing at thee sea be already sailin’ a little.
-Some Belgian dude.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Devourer of Rum!
>And ye’s currently locked in mortal combat with thee dreaded Cap’n Silver Spoon the Horrible!
>She’s killed yer first mate, Pipsqueak Ironsides!
>And she’ll stop at nothing te get in ye pantaloons!
“Arr! Give it up lass!”
>“LOL Never!!! Not until I get your cock!!”
“Avast! Ye shall die here grey devil!”
>”Like OMGosh that’s totally not like true at all!!!”
“Ye shall never get my genetailia!”
>”Hang in thar, Captain Anonymous!”
>Shiver ye timbers! It’s Applebloom the Quick and her crew of crusaders!
>”Cutie Mark Crusaders Buccaneers!”
“Ye’ve come jus’ in time lass’s! I be tiring!”
>”Damn it Cap’n Anon’mous! That is like totally not fair!”
“We’re fucking pirates lass! Who the fuck ever said we be fair?”
>Scootaloo stabs Silver Spoon the Horrible through the heart.
>”Take that Cap’n Silver Spoon!”
>Damn you strange giant orange chickeeeeeeeeen! LOL.”
>What do ye know, Scootaloo got a cutie-mark of skull and crossbones fer that!
“Now we celebrate thee pirate way! Rum Rum and more Rum!”
>”Yay!”
>Applebloom gets a cutie mark o’ a ship.
>Sweetie Belle gets a cutie-mark o’ a bottle o’ rum.
>Sweetie Belle must be destined fer a Cap’n position!
>Thee three o’ them decide te join up as yer new crew.
It be not the ship so much as the skillful sailin’ that assures the plentiful rum.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Sailin’ thee Ponyville sea on ye’s Vessel, thee Purple Hippo!
>All thee cool names be taken already.
>And ye be meetin’ with Trixie, thee witchdoctor o’ Ponyville.
>Yee be trying to make a deal, thee soul o’ Fluttershy fer thee life of yer first mate, Pipsqueak Ironsides.
>Tis turns out, only horny mares be commin’ back te life fer no reason in tis story.
>”Yes, The Great and Powerful Trixie can bring back your first mate from the grave, but she will need an object.”
>”Bring her the head of a chicken.”
“But! She be a member o’ my crew!”
>”Not Scootaloo! Just go get Trixie one of Fluttershy’s.”
>So be it, ye set course fer thee cabin o’ Fluttershy.
>Ye and yer crew arrive, and be bursting down thee entrance.
“Arr!”
>A wee lit’ rabbit jumps out and be tappin’ his foot angrily.
“Arr! Um, ‘cuse me sir, where be the chickens?”
>”They’re outside Captain!”
“Good work lass!”
>Ye stab thee Bunny fer good luck.
>Ye run through thee side of thee chicken booth threw thee wall, drunk ‘nough that ye can’t feel a thing.
>Aye, now ye be swinging ye saber Portside and Starboard tryin’ to off one of the feathery bastards heads.
“Alas! I finally be in possession of the beast head!”
>Ye look at the body of the chicken ye off’ed, and notice it be scaley like a dragon’s arse.
>Tis be good nuf’
If ye’s not be in possession of any rum whiles’t ye be sailin’, no wind be favorable.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>An’ Trixie be raisin’ Pipsqueak Ironsides from thee grave fer ye!
>She be doing these weird chants.
>” Iä! Iä! Iä! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!”
>Ye think t’at means “Thar be rum in thee chest, help ye’s self te it.”
>So ye pull out a bottle o’ what looks te be rum, and hastily chug it down.
>Trixie looks like she be done, and be staring at ye with wide eyes next te Pipsqueak Ironsides.
>”What have you done!”
“Ye said I could help myself to ye’s rum.”
>”Trixie never said such a thing! And she doesn’t have any rum!”
>Oh dear…
“What be it I drank?”
>”You drank a delayed love poision!”
“What be that?”
>Suddenly, Fluttershy be popping up infront of ye, and looks ye straight in thee eyes.
>”Hi Anon…”
“Hello… Fluttershy…”
>She be givin’ ye those beautiful bedroom eyes.
>”Want to go back to my place?”
“Sure lass…”
>Ye be on ye’s way over to fluttershy’s cottage, when yer crew and first mate throw ye in a net.
“This be mutiny! I’ll have ye heads fer t’is!”
>Sweetie Belle thee Treacherous pipes up.
>”Sorry Captain anonemoous! It’s for your own good!”
“Let me Out’a here ye demons!”
>”Let’s get him back to the ship…”
”I LOVE YE FLUTTERSHY! PLEASE SAVE ME!”
>That treacherous swine Applebloom thee Quick slices across her throat.
“YOU KILLED MY LOVER! HAVE AT YE!”
Tis not be thee vessel that makes a Cap’n, Tis be thee alcohol in his blood.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>And ye be evadin’ Royal Customs Officer Twilight Sparkle!
>”Surrender yourself to the crown Captain Anonymous!”
>The fog be hidin’ ye and ye’s crew.
>But curse this sea! It be lifting!
>”I see the ship!”
>”Unfurl the sails and prepare to intercept!”
“Ready thee cannons crew! We be fightin’ not be surrenderin’!”
>”Aie Aie Captain!”
>”You wont escape alive Anonymous!”
“Ah! But I’ll still have escaped!”
>”Um.. Captain.. what’s the point of that then?”
“Oh.. right.”
“We still don’t surrender! Fire the cannons!”
>”We don’t have any cannons captain!”
“Oh.. right.. We surrender!”
>Ye can hear the facehoofin’ of ye crew.
>Scootaloo thee Chicken facehoof’s too hard and knocks herself unconsious.
>”Prepare to board the Purple Hippo mares!”
>”How can we all fit on that thing captain?”
>”Fine, I’ll go alone!”
>”Surrender all your stolen goods and contraband!”
“We don’t have none! An’ ”
>”Lies!”
“Ye can just glance ‘round and see…”
>”Fine… well I’m still arresting you for the murders of Fluttershy and Silver Spoon, you bastard.”
“Isn’t that Silver Spoon over there?”
>”OMGosh hay Annon <3 LOL!”
>”WHAT THE BUCK!?”
>”Well, I’m still arresting you for the death of Fluttershy…”
>”U-um… hi Captain Anonymous… are mermares your fetish?”
>Ye’s getting’ sick o’ this.
>”BUCK THIS IM OUT OF HERE! You got off easy this time Captain Anon, but I’ll have you yet!”
“Goodbye Officer Twilight.”
>”So does that mean we win Captain?”
“Yes!”
>”Anon, are mermares your fetish? You still haven’t said anything.”
“Nay Fluttershy…”
“O-ok…”
>Ye clonk her with thee handle of ye’s pistol, and she retreats to thee depths once again.
Thro’ thick o’ thin, rum solves all a Cap’n’s troubles. Even ye laundry an’ ye vessel payments.
>Ye -hic- be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>And ye’s drunk as a… um…
>Ferget it…
>Ye’s drinkin’ in thee Ponyville pup, celebratin’ the flawless, total victory over Customs Officer Twilight Sparkle.
>Suddenly, ye here the door te thee pub open.
>Egad! It be Rarity thee Dreaded!
>So long as she dosen’t…
>Fuck, she be.
“Hello Rarity…”
>”Hello uncouth, philistine…”
>Ye don’t know what they be.
>”Why on Equestria is Sweetie Belle with you!?”
“She be a member o’ me crew! As be Scootaloo thee chicken and Applebloom thee Quick!”
>”Sweetie Belle! Go home NOW!”
>-Hic-“Buck You Rarity! Yer nota Captun! Oh wait… well, yer not MY Captun. Anonemous is!”
>”Why… Is Sweetie Belle DRUNK!?!”
>Oh God, she be mad.
>”Have at ye Ruffian!”
>Yer too drunk te deal with tis, so ye just shoot her.
>”This won’t be the last you’ve seen of me commoner!”
>Ugh… ye know…
>-Hic- Captun ‘nonymous,”
>”Over here you bastard!”
>By God Almighty! Silver Spoon the Horrid be possible te listen to when she be drunk!
>”Yah, you dumb bastard! I don’t need you! I have Pipsqueak Ironsides for my ‘needs’ now!”
“Ye be a lass! Ye don’t have ‘needs’!”
>Wait… SHE HAS YE FIRST MATE!”
Not te have rum on board be thee worst mistake any man may make when they be setting coarse. Te not have enough be thee second.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>And ye be drownin’ yer sorrows at thee second loss of ye first mate.
>The cutie mark buccaneers have left a while ago, so ye be drinking alone.
>”Hey buddy, I bet you can’t beat me in a drinkin’ contest.”
“Nopony outdrinks Cap’n Anon’mous! What be ye’s name, so I might know who I beat?”
>”Berry Punch!”
“Let thee duel o’ iron livers begin!”
-
>Ye awaken…
>Thee whole night be but a blur to ye, the only hint te it be that green shape over thar.
>Wait… it be a unicorn?
>Two mint-green unicorns?!
>”Good morning handsome… Those hands were ‘wonderful’ last night”
>”Yeah…”
>Oh God Almighty! Thar be two Lyra’s!
>An’ one has fins!
“Arrgh!”
>Ye be runnin’ out o’ the motel ye was in, trying te wonder what ye did last night. Parhaps ye should visit that ‘Berry Punch’.
>Fluttershy be flying alongside ye now, yellin’ in ye ear as ye head back te thee pub.
>”I THOUGHT YOU SAID MERMARES WEREN’T YOUR FETISH!?”
Be ye sailin’ south or be ye sailin’ east, ye can’t navigate drunk, which be how t’is suppose te be.
>Ye be headin’ in the pub, ready te ask thee barman whar Berry Punch be, when ye spot her in a corner booth.
>Still.
>Drinkin’.
>That thar pony doesn’t just have an iron liver...
>Her liver be a golden gift from the gods!
>Ye head over te her, and calmley ask her what ye did last night.
“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? I WOKE UP IN BED WITH A FISH AN' A HORSE!”
>”-Hic- Last night… was… AWESOME! Shame you can’t remember… come to think of it, I don’t remember much either...”
“Well, what do ye remember?”
>”Only thing I can remember is that we went to Pirates+, and bought a biiiiiiig ass cannon.”
“Let’s be off then!”
-
>Ye arrive at thee store an’ be askin’ thee shopkeeper what ye were doing here last night.
>“You came by here drunk last night with berry, and saved my business by buying a big ass cannon for ten thousand bits! Thanks again!”
Ye be freakin’ out now, ye don’t have the dublooms te pay fer somethin’ T’is expensive!
“How could ye let a drunken pirate an’ a hammered horse buy somethin’ T’is costly on a tab!”
“I didn’t sir. You already had the money.”
>What be this dark sorcery?
“Berry... ye wouldn’t happen te remember whar we got that kind of gold, would ye?”
>”umm… I think… we won a Canterlot lotto?”
>How did we get te Canterlot and back in a single passing o’ thee moon?
>Ye head back te ye’s vessel with Berry.
>She be fallin’ over laughin’ at somethin’ when ye arrive.
>Ye look fer what she be laughin’ at.
“Oh send me te Davey Jack’s locker… “
>It be turnin’ out, thee cannon ye bought literally be a ‘big ass cannon’.
>And t’is got paint te look like Lyra’s flank.
>Wonderful…
>Ye an’ Berry Punch set sail fer Canterlot.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Sailin thee Equestrian waters with thee CMC an’ ye New first mate, Berry Punch!
>Ye fergot who thee old one was.
>Ye be lost on yer way te Canterlot.
>Ye fergot why ye headin’ there in thee first place.
>Probably be somthin’ about that giant Lyra flank cannon ye found.
>Ye’ve been sailin’ through some bay that be in a weird forrest.
>Suddenly! Thar be Turbulent waters ahead!
>Ye be thrown from ye ship into the waters below!
-
>You awaken on the shoreline of the forrest, surrounded by blue flowers.
>You try to call out to your employees.
“Scootaloo? Applebloom? Sweetie Belle? Berry Punch? Is there anyone there?
“Oh my… I do say, what is wrong with my voice?”
>Hmm… aren’t these flowers Poison Joke? How peculiar…
>Suddenly, you have a epithany.
“I DO SAY! I’M SOBER!!”
Writing criticism is to writing fiction and poetry as hugging the shore is to sailing in the open sea.
You don’t know how you even heard of that one.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Thorn of the high seas!
>And ye be under attack by Silver Spoon the Horrible!
>She be tryin to broadside ye vessel, firin’ off volley after volley o’ what appear te be dildo’s.
>Avast! Ye be fallin’ into the water, being knocked off by a rubber dick the size of a child.
>We’ll, if ye’s gonna drown, ye might as well drown drunk.
>So ye pull out ye rum.
>The rum disperses inte the sea.
"Curse ye physics!"
>”Shoo be doo, Shoo Shoo be doo…”
>Oh curses! Thar be Seapony Lyra!
>She be givin’ ye them bedroom eyes.
>”Hello again lover…”
>Ye start te swimin’ now te avoid the cruelest o’ fates.
>a bull-shit shark eats her as ye look back.
>Fluttershy is on an island nearby singing when you surface.
>It be absolutely wretched sounding.
>Ye cry out in pain, the sound be burstin’ yer ear drums.
>”Are siren’s your fetish Anon?”
“Thar be Greek ye dumb wrench!”
>Ye throw her inte the water, and feed her te the fishes.
>She ends up befriendin’ half before the shark be eatin’ her.
Don't ye be tellin’ te me about pirate tradition! Everyone knows It be nothing but rum, treasure, and rum!
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>The Duke of Cambridge!
>Wait… that thar can’t be right…
>Ye be pulled back on deck by ye first mate, Berry Punch
>Scootaloo the Chicken an’ Applebloom the Quick be talking te a ‘fabulous’ sea serpent.
>Sweetie Belle the Treacherous got inte Berry Punch’s rum an’ be drunk, like a true Cap’n in the makin’.
>Ye land on deck, wet as the Fluttershy that be staring at ye.
>How she be comin’ back te life so much, ye will never know.
“Fluttershy?”
>“-squee!- yes anon?”
“How do ye be commin’ back from ye’s watery grave?”
>“Not even death can get in the way of my love for you silly, I told you that.”
“No, really. How do ye?”
>“I don’t know. It’s your story...”
>What be that meanin’?
>She be pullin’ out a bottle o’ oil and some flint and steel now.
>”Are third degree burns your fetish?”
>Hmm…
“They be on others!”
>She now be settin’ herself aflame, and falls overboard screamin’.
>Her charred remains sink b‘neath the waves, on thar way te Davey Jack’s Locker.
Ye be findin’ that ye never shall have a bad day, so long as ye be drunk every day.
>Ye be Capt’n Anon’mous
>Drinker of all things that be alcoholic.
>And right now, ye not only be a pirate…
>Ye be a pirate.. IN SPAAAAAACE!
>Because Celestia decided te banish ye te the moon.
>It turn out, ye didn’t win a Canterlot Lotto with Berry Punch.
>Ye robbed the Royal Vault.
>She also saw the ‘Big ass cannon’ that be painted like Lyra’s flank and sent it with ye.
>An’ ye have a plan.
>Ye light the fuse…
“AVAST! T’IS WAS A BAD IDEA!”
-
>You are Fluttershy.
> and it’s been a few days since you stopped crying when Captain Anon’mous was banished to the moon.
>Wait.. whats that sound…
>It sounds like…
>”ARR! DON’T WORRY ME RUM! DADDY BE HOME!”
>It’s Anon’mous!
>You fly over as fast as your little wings can take you.
>And…
-Squee!-
>You caught him!
>Hmm… maybe…
“U-um Anon’mous?”
>”What be it Fluttershy?”
“Are meteors your fetish?”
>”Nay T’is not.”
>”…I be too sober fer this now…”
>BUUUUCK!
>Ops… I mean… gosh darn it!
In space, no one can hear ye belch.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Ye and Berry be fishin’ off the side o’ the Purple Hippo.
>Ye feel a tug on the line.
>Arr! this be a big one!
>Ye pull it in.
>Avast! This be a REALLY big one!
>It be nearin’ the surface…
>It be some sort o’ green fish.
>… with a horn…
>”Oh anon… why don’t you love me like I love you…”
>”We could spawn such beautiful eggs together…”
“NAY!”
>Ye throw her back.
>A giant squid gets her.
>Ye be Cap’n Anonymous
>Yer trudging through the jungle, searching for the rum o’ the GODS with ye’s crew.
>Suddenly! ye hear drums.
>Ye spot hooded figures in the trees.
>They surround ye with spears.
>Zebras!
>They catch ye and Scootaloo, the rest of ye crew escapes.
>They be tyin’ ye up, bringin’ ye and Scootaloo back te thar tribe.
>Ye say yer prayers as they prepare a fire and a spit.
>They bring out a deep fryer fer Scootaloo.
>Suddenly, Landlubber Lyra, Fluttershy, Berry punch, Apple Bloom, an’ Sweetie Belle be jumpin’ from the forest.
>Lyra smashes two of the zebras with a lyre.
>Fluttershy be starin’ a few down while that bunny ye stabbed before beats them.
>Berry Punch is waterboardin’ a zebranig with rum.
“Damn Berry! Yer not s’pose te be doing good things fer them!”
>Apple bloom be firin’ ye’s pistol inte a groupin’.
>And sweetie belle be stuck by the horn in a zebra’s neck, flailin’ like a fish out o’ water.
>The zebras run off, and yer crew cuts ye down.
>They pull Scootaloo out o’ the beer batter.
>“So… Anon… now that we saved you… is salvation your fetish?”
“Arr! That it be! But doesn’t be meanin’ I’ll fuck ye for it!”
>”B-b-but… then I have nothing to live for!”
“Let me help ye with that!”
>Ye stab her and Lyra with your saber.
>Sweetie Belle loads them into a cannon, and fires them out into the distance.
>”Looks like Team Rape is blasting off again!”
>What on the seven seas be that?
Cap’n Anon and the Temple of Rum!
Ye be in a temple in the jungle, within a room with containing a puzzle.
>The puzzle has two levers… an’ that be it…
>Wait… one lever… damn this double vision from booze.
>Ye get pissed at how absurdly complex the puzzle be, an’ throw ye’s empty bottle at it.
>Something happens, an’ the door opens.
>Suddenly Fluttershy comes from within the temple, wearing some sort of native’s garb
>Ye be too mind-fucked as te how she got in there te listen te whatever strange fetish guess she be makin’ t’is time, so ye just toss her into a nearby pit of cobras.
>Ye and yer crew continue onward into the temple.
-
>yer crew comes across a floor with a bunch of letters on it, an be lookin’ weak.
>Apple Bloom the quick Pipes up.
>”We probably have to walk across this in the right order of letters”.
>Fuck that!
>Ye start running across with reckless abandon, with chunks of floor falling behind ye into lava.
>What the hell be lava doin’ in a temple?
>Ye don’t care, ye be across now.
>Lyra must have tried te chase ye and yer crew across the lava, because there be a melting green unicorn and the smell of burnt bacon in the air.
>Ye would miss bacon by now, if ye weren’t stealing Davey jacks pigs.
-
>The next room is some sort of hallway with a strong breeze that be blowing through.
>Ye send Fluttershy down it.
>Her head be comin’ rollin’ back te ye.
>Ye walk by the hallway an’ skip it, the treasure not be that way anyways.
-
Alas! Thar be the rum!
>Thar be multiple bottles.
>An’ thar also be a really fucking old stallion that be wearin’ some stupid armor.
>”Choose wisely, for the correct bottle will grant you eternal life, but the rest will bring you death.”
“I not be here fer the eter-whatever life! I be here fer rum!
>Oh, that… can I see your I.D. confirming you are 21 years of age?
“Fuck that! What kind o’ pirate be havin’ an I.D.?”
>”Congratulations, you have passed the test, and proved yourself worthy of the rum. Use it wisely.”
>Ye chug the whole thing right thar.
>On the way out o’ the temple, ye see… Another human!?
>Damn, that must have been good rum.
>”I’m sorry Dr. Jones, but I’ll be taking that.. hey wait, who are you?”
“None of ye business!”
>Ye shoot him.
>T’was a fine day indeed.
>Ye be Cap’n Anon, and ye be cursing ye luck.
>Thar be no wind fer days, and the Purple Hippo aint even fit fer sailin.
>Well, nothing to do but wait…
>And wait…
>And wait…
“An’ God damn this be boring!”
MEANWHILE, AT THE LEGION OF RAPE
>”Ok, but if we catch him I call his hands first.”
“Why can’t I have them?”
“Becayse you’re a fish.”
>”U-um… what plan?”
>”The plan we just went over.”
>”Ya’ll never explained no plan.”
>”Seapony Lyra, go back over the plan.”
>”Sure thing Lyra, what we’re going to do is-“
>”OBJECTION!... Continue…”
>”Yes.. what were going to do is steal his cane, place under this flimsy net, and…”
>”I see a few problems in this plan sugarcube…”
>”Name one.”
>”Well, fer starters, he dosen’t have a cane, steal his rum if yah gonna bait him.”
>”And second, why are yah plannin’ on usin’ ah ‘flimsy net’, why not use ah electrified cage?”
>”Shut the buck up you inbred uneducated hick this plan is perfect!”
>”EXCUSE ME MISSY?”
>”Yah, why are you even here anyways?”
>”Ahm foalsittin’ Silver Spoon fer her mother.”
>”like OMGosh I keep telling u I don’t need a foalsittr!”
>”Oh really?”
>”Like, totally!”
>“What?”
>”Like OMG y don u undrstnd me?”
>”Equestrian please?”
>”I r speekin eqstrin. Its n T3Xt Sp34K.”
>”Ah swear ah can’t understand that filly sometimes.”
>”That makes two ponies here I can’t understand.”
>”WELL WHY DON’T YA SAY THAT TO MAH FACE!”
>“U-um… I think we should calm down…”
>”Not until this minty fresh primate bucker apologizes tah me!”
>”Inbred cow bucker!”
>”Girls… please… We have a human to rape after all…”
>”Like OMGosh who r u?”
>”Yah, who are you?”
>”They call me…“
>“Molestia”
>Somewhere off in the distance, Captain Anonymous’ jimmies unexplainly rustled ever so slightly.
Be red skys in mornin’ a Cap’n be drinkin’. Be redsky’s at dawn, a Cap’n still be drinkin’.
>Ye be Cap'n Anon'mous!
>And ye be in dire danger of runnin' out o' rum!
>Ye an' ye's crew tried ye hands an' hooves at distillin' some.
>That ended in thar biggest fireball ye ever did see.
>T'was beautiful, till some hippies mistook it fer a bonfire, an' started dancin around it.
>Still, ye lost the still, and all the beautiful rum with it.
>So... much... rum... gone...
>Then, ye had an epiph... Epip...
>An idea!
>Or rather, Pipsqueak Ironsides did.
>Ye have no idea how he got back from Silver Spoon the Horrid's clutches.
>Anyways, ye now be sneakin' inte a rum factory.
>It be not so much sneakin', and more of runnin' in and bashin' ponies over the head with an anchor.
>"Rum Ho, Captain!"
>Rushin' to ye crew, ye lay yar eyes on thar most beautiful thing ye evar saw.
"It's... Beautiful..."
>"It's nice... But i prefer whiskey..."
>Thar be the most blasphemous thing Berry Punch evar did say!
>Ye don't care though, yar treasure chest o' fucks be emptied by the sight o' the rum.
>Barrel by barrel, ye and yar crew load up the rum.
>By ye and yar crew, ye mean yar crew.
>Yar too busy gettin' a head start drinkin'.
>Sailin' off inte the distance, ye prepare te get started on yar fifth barrel.
>Why be the rum in thar yellow and pink?
>"H-hi Anon. Remember when you said rum was your fetish?"
"I don't even remember me own breakfast!"
>Ye slam the lid on the barrel shut.
>Hookin' a chain to it and a cannonball, ye prepare te fire.
>Lightin' the fuse, Flutters the Horny be shot off inte the distance.
Meanwhile...
>"Like OMGosh DT, I totes have a plan to fuck Anon!
>"Silver, would you please shut the fuck up for a second? I think I hear something..."
>"Like, OMGosh, u like, totes don't tell me wat to do!"
>Suddenly, Fluttershy's barrel smashes through the deck of the ship, landing in the ammo storage.
>She pops the lid, and as she does the steel ring on it hits a chain, sending sparks.
>A spark ignites a fuse.
>"Meep!"
>Seaponies for miles could see the resulting explosion.
>Captain Anonymous sees it, and celebrates the only way he knows how.
>With plenty of rum.
A storm be a brewin'. Too bad it not be rum that be brewin'.
>Ye be Cap'n Anon'mous!
>And shiver ye timbers, why be all these ponies in costumes?
>"It's nightmare night silly filly!
>Oh, that thar would explain it.
>Ye's been trying to get some loot all night, but anytime ye point yer saber at a pony, they just laugh!
>Then they say something about how ye costume is great!>
>Ye need a drink...
>Ye head into a bar, and take a seat at the bar counter.
>Strange... Ye don't remember the barman being a pirate.
"Arr! A cup of ye's finest rum!"
>"Right away matey!"
>He pulls out his gun, and fires a shot into the glass.
>The most beautiful rum ye ever seen fires out of it.
>What be this sorcery?
>Perhaps ye should ask Trixie, it could be -ahem- useful.
>The door opens, and everybody grows silent.
>The only sound be the occasional hoofsteps across the floor.
>The footsteps stop behind ye, and ye turn around to face whoever it be.
>Some unicorn, dressed in some sort of black chink garbs.
>She stands on her back hooves, and suddenly throws a little shinny star thingy at ye!
>Ye jump off ye's stool, and draw ye saber!
>She draws a katana, and the battle begins!
>Ye slash at her, but she expertly parries ye's swipe!
>She throws another star, but misses.
>Ye feel some moisture on ye leg.
>Wait...
>She hit ye bottle of celebratory rum!
"Arr, ye'll pay fer that!"
>She says nothing, only beckoning ye like a siren.
>Ye charge at her, going after her with a jab of ye's steel.
>She knocks the sword out of ye's hand!
>Ye pull out ye's gun, but her blade cuts it in half.
>She puts the blade to ye throat, and removers her hood.
"Lyra!?"
>"Pants. Drop em."
>Ye do just that, thar be to many rums left undrunk fer ye.
>Well, looks like e's screwed... litterally...
>She drops the sword.
>"YES! THEY'RE MINE AT LAST!"
>She puts on ye pants, and runs off.
>That thar be the oddest thing ye've seen all night.
>Fluttershy flys up to ye now.
>"H-hi Anon. Is-"
>Ye don't let her finish her sentence, instead cutting her head off with Lyra's katana.
Arr, I be feeling that thar LOVE of the sea!

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data

(No longer being written.)
(Dissregard the above.)

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>And ye be sailing the Equestrian high Seas.
>Ok Ok… yer on a raft in Ponyville lake.
>Avast! There be a merchant ship!
>It has plenty o’ Silver!
>Ye paddle yer raft over.
>”Hi anon, is plundering booty your fetish?”
“NAY! RUM BE!”
>Ye stab her with ye’s saber.
>”I’ll.. always… love you…”
“Thee Treasure Be Mine!”
>Ye break open the chest with ye’s pegleg.
“Wait.. that not be silver!”
>Suddenly thar be a schools worth o’ Silver Spoons
>An’ they all be tugging at yer pantaloons.
Arr! The sea be a cruel mistress!

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>T’day, ye be sailin’ thee Ponyville sea.
>Arr! Thar be thee ghost o’ dread pirate Fluttershy.
>”I told you I would always love you anon, and I brought rum. Can we have sex now?”
“NAY! YE BE A SPIRIT!”
>Ye stab her ‘gain.
>T’is time, it draws nay any blood.
“What be t’is sorc’ry!”
>”I’m dead you drunken pirate…”
“Oh!”
>Ye throw ye’s cross at her.
“Take That Devil!”
>It does nothing.
“I give up.”
>Ye jump o’er board.
>Suddenly Ye’s bein’ hauled aboard by Silver Beard the Horrid.
>“OMG HAY ANNON! I gots niec and tan for you! And I’m sooooo horneeey! LOL”
“ARRG! TAKE ME NOW DAVEY JONES!”
>Ye jump back o’erboard.
>Yer first ‘ate, Pipsqueak ironsides, ‘aul’s ye back aboard ye’s own ship.
E’ryday be a fine day fer Rum.

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous! The Scorge of Ponyville Lake!
>And, ye and ye’s first mate be on the search for buried treasure!
>“LOL OMGosh!”
>”Cap’n Anon! It’s Silver Beard the Horrid!”
“Quiet Pipsqueak Ironsides! Ye don’t want ‘er to find us? DO YE?”
>”No Captain!”
“Good! Now keep dig’n!
>”I struck something Captain!”
“Bring ‘er up my boy!”
>Ahh… she be a fine chest!
>Ye open thee chest with ye’s trusty pegleg.
>And a Fluttershy pops out!
“Fluttershy! I thought Ye were dead!”
>”No Anon! Our love can overcome even death!”
“First mate Ironsides! Fire the cannons! Broadside the beast!”
>”Aie Aie Captian!”
>”Wha-“
>A cannonball slams Fluttershy back into thee chest, throwin’ thee whole damn’d thing back into thee sea.
“Well done Ironsides!”
>“LOL OMGosh it’s like totally Annon’s ship!”
“PIPSQUEAK IRONSIDES! LET ME ON BOARD NOW!”
>”ON IT CAPTIAN!”
>”Like, hurry up DT! He’s totally getting away!”
>Phew, that be to close for comfor’.
Thee sea be as forgivin’ as she be cruel.

>Ye Be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Blight of the Equestrian waters!
>And ye be out of rum!
>Wait.. what be that sound…
>OH GOD! BE  IT THE SOUND OF SOBRIETY!?!
>Nope, it be Cap’n Davey Jacks ship.
>It be not as bad.
>”Captain Anonymous! What are ya’ll doin’ in the lake?”
“I be sailin’ the one sea! Searchin’ for booty other than Fluttershy’s to plunder an’ rum to drink!”
>“Oh Celestia, ya didn’t bring fluttershai into this madness did’ja?”
“I CAN’T MAKE ‘ER STOP!”
>”Well hang on a secon’ I’ll talk ta her, where is she anyways?”
“In a chest in a hole at thee bottom of thee sea.”
>”…What in tarnation…”
“Pipsqueak Ironsides did the deed!”
>“You told me to!”
“Ye still did it lad!”
>”Hold ya horses! A chest washed up a few days ago with a big cannonball sized hole in it, could that be the one she was in?”
“That be the one lass!”
>Oh hey look, thar be her bloated corpse floatin’ past ye ship now.
>”YOU BUCKERS KILLED FLUTTERSHAI!”
“Ye speak as if it hasn’t happened before…”
>”OF COURSE IT HASENT! YA ONLY DIE ONCE!”
>”Anonymous! I’ve come back from the dead for you my love!”
>”What in tarnation…”
>”Is reincarnation your fetish Anonymous?”
“IT WASN’T THE FIRST TIME YE CAME BACK YE WRENCH!”
>Ye throw yer empty rum bottle at ‘er head, sending ‘er back to thee depths.
He Who be gazing at thee sea be already sailin’ a little.
  -Some Belgian dude.

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Devourer of Rum!
>And ye’s currently locked in mortal combat with thee dreaded Cap’n Silver Spoon the Horrible!
>She’s killed yer first mate, Pipsqueak Ironsides!
>And she’ll stop at nothing te get in ye pantaloons!
“Arr! Give it up lass!”
>“LOL Never!!! Not until I get your cock!!”
“Avast! Ye shall die here grey devil!”
>”Like OMGosh that’s totally not like true at all!!!”
“Ye shall never get my genetailia!”
>”Hang in thar, Captain Anonymous!”
>Shiver ye timbers! It’s Applebloom the Quick and her crew of crusaders!
>”Cutie Mark Crusaders Buccaneers!”
“Ye’ve come jus’ in time lass’s! I be tiring!”
>”Damn it Cap’n Anon’mous! That is like totally not fair!”
“We’re fucking pirates lass! Who the fuck ever said we be fair?”
>Scootaloo stabs Silver Spoon the Horrible through the heart.
>”Take that Cap’n Silver Spoon!”
>Damn you strange giant orange chickeeeeeeeeen! LOL.”
>What do ye know, Scootaloo got a cutie-mark of skull and crossbones fer that!
“Now we celebrate thee pirate way! Rum Rum and more Rum!”
>”Yay!”
>Applebloom gets a cutie mark o’ a ship.
>Sweetie Belle gets a cutie-mark o’ a bottle o’ rum.
>Sweetie Belle must be destined fer a Cap’n position!
>Thee three o’ them decide te join up as yer new crew.
It be not the ship so much as the skillful sailin’ that assures the plentiful rum.

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Sailin’ thee Ponyville sea on ye’s Vessel, thee Purple Hippo!
>All thee cool names be taken already.
>And ye be meetin’ with Trixie, thee witchdoctor o’ Ponyville.
>Yee be trying to make a deal, thee soul o’ Fluttershy fer thee life of yer first mate, Pipsqueak Ironsides.
>Tis turns out, only horny mares be commin’ back te life fer no reason in tis story.
>”Yes, The Great and Powerful Trixie can bring back your first mate from the grave, but she will  need an object.”
>”Bring her the head of a chicken.”
“But! She be a member o’ my crew!”
>”Not Scootaloo! Just go get Trixie one of Fluttershy’s.”
>So be it, ye set course fer thee cabin o’ Fluttershy.
>Ye and yer crew arrive, and be bursting down thee entrance.
“Arr!”
>A wee lit’ rabbit jumps out and be tappin’ his foot angrily.
“Arr! Um, ‘cuse me sir, where be the chickens?”
>”They’re outside Captain!”
“Good work lass!”
>Ye stab thee Bunny fer good luck.
>Ye run through thee side of thee chicken booth threw thee wall, drunk ‘nough that ye can’t feel a thing.
>Aye, now ye be swinging ye saber Portside and Starboard tryin’ to off one of the feathery bastards heads.
“Alas! I finally be in possession of the beast head!”
>Ye look at the body of the chicken ye off’ed, and notice it be scaley like a dragon’s arse.
>Tis be good nuf’
If ye’s not be in possession of any rum whiles’t ye be sailin’, no wind be favorable.

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>An’ Trixie be raisin’ Pipsqueak Ironsides from thee grave fer ye!
>She be doing these weird chants.
>” Iä! Iä! Iä! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!”
>Ye think t’at means “Thar be rum in thee chest, help ye’s self te it.”
>So ye pull out a bottle o’ what looks te be rum, and hastily chug it down.
>Trixie looks like she be done, and be staring at ye with wide eyes next te Pipsqueak Ironsides.
>”What have you done!”
“Ye said I could help myself to ye’s rum.”
>”Trixie never said such a thing! And she doesn’t have any rum!”
>Oh dear…
“What be it I drank?”
>”You drank a delayed love poision!”
“What be that?”
>Suddenly, Fluttershy be popping up infront of ye, and looks ye straight in thee eyes.
>”Hi Anon…”
“Hello… Fluttershy…”
>She be givin’ ye those beautiful bedroom eyes.
>”Want to go back to my place?”
“Sure lass…”
>Ye be on ye’s way over to fluttershy’s cottage, when yer crew and first mate throw ye in a net.
“This be mutiny! I’ll have ye heads fer t’is!”
>Sweetie Belle thee Treacherous pipes up.
>”Sorry Captain anonemoous! It’s for your own good!”
“Let me Out’a here ye demons!”
>”Let’s get him back to the ship…”
”I LOVE YE FLUTTERSHY! PLEASE SAVE ME!”
>That treacherous swine Applebloom thee Quick slices across her throat.
“YOU KILLED MY LOVER! HAVE AT YE!”
Tis not be thee vessel that makes a Cap’n, Tis be thee alcohol in his blood.

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>And ye be evadin’ Royal Customs Officer Twilight Sparkle!
>”Surrender yourself to the crown Captain Anonymous!”
>The fog be hidin’ ye and ye’s crew.
>But curse this sea! It be lifting!
>”I see the ship!”
>”Unfurl the sails and prepare to intercept!”
“Ready thee cannons crew! We be fightin’ not be surrenderin’!”
>”Aie Aie Captain!”
>”You wont escape alive Anonymous!”
“Ah! But I’ll still have escaped!”
>”Um.. Captain.. what’s the point of that then?”
“Oh.. right.”
“We still don’t surrender! Fire the cannons!”
>”We don’t have any cannons captain!”
“Oh.. right.. We surrender!”
>Ye can hear the facehoofin’ of ye crew.
>Scootaloo thee Chicken facehoof’s too hard and knocks herself unconsious.
>”Prepare to board the Purple Hippo mares!”
>”How can we all fit on that thing captain?”
>”Fine, I’ll go alone!”
>”Surrender all your stolen goods and contraband!”
“We don’t have none! An’ ”
>”Lies!”
“Ye can just glance ‘round and see…”
>”Fine… well I’m still arresting you for the murders of Fluttershy and Silver Spoon, you bastard.”
“Isn’t that Silver Spoon over there?”
>”OMGosh hay Annon <3 LOL!”
>”WHAT THE BUCK!?”
>”Well, I’m still arresting you for the death of Fluttershy…”
>”U-um… hi Captain Anonymous… are mermares your fetish?”
>Ye’s getting’ sick o’ this.
>”BUCK THIS IM OUT OF HERE! You got off easy this time Captain Anon, but I’ll have you yet!”
“Goodbye Officer Twilight.”
>”So does that mean we win Captain?”
“Yes!”
>”Anon, are mermares your fetish? You still haven’t said anything.”
“Nay Fluttershy…”
“O-ok…”
>Ye clonk her with thee handle of ye’s pistol, and she retreats to thee depths once again.
Thro’ thick o’ thin, rum solves all a Cap’n’s troubles. Even ye laundry an’ ye vessel payments.


>Ye -hic- be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>And ye’s drunk as a… um…
>Ferget it…
>Ye’s drinkin’ in thee Ponyville pup, celebratin’ the flawless, total victory over Customs Officer Twilight Sparkle.
>Suddenly, ye here the door te thee pub open.
>Egad! It be Rarity thee Dreaded!
>So long as she dosen’t…
>Fuck, she be.
“Hello Rarity…”
>”Hello uncouth, philistine…”
>Ye don’t know what they be.
>”Why on Equestria is Sweetie Belle with you!?”
“She be a member o’ me crew! As be Scootaloo thee chicken and Applebloom thee Quick!”
>”Sweetie Belle! Go home NOW!”
>-Hic-“Buck You Rarity! Yer nota Captun! Oh wait… well, yer not MY Captun. Anonemous is!”
>”Why… Is Sweetie Belle DRUNK!?!”
>Oh God, she be mad.
>”Have at ye Ruffian!”
>Yer too drunk te deal with tis, so ye just shoot her.
>”This won’t be the last you’ve seen of me commoner!”
>Ugh… ye know…
>-Hic- Captun ‘nonymous,”
>”Over here you bastard!”
>By God Almighty! Silver Spoon the Horrid be possible te listen to when she be drunk!
>”Yah, you dumb bastard! I don’t need you! I have Pipsqueak Ironsides for my ‘needs’ now!”
“Ye be a lass! Ye don’t have ‘needs’!”
>Wait… SHE HAS YE FIRST MATE!”
Not te have rum on board be thee worst mistake any man may make when they be setting coarse. Te not have enough be thee second.


>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous.
>And ye be drownin’ yer sorrows at thee second loss of ye first mate.
>The cutie mark buccaneers have left a while ago, so ye be drinking alone.
>”Hey buddy, I bet you can’t beat me in a drinkin’ contest.”
“Nopony outdrinks Cap’n Anon’mous! What be ye’s name, so I might know who I beat?”
>”Berry Punch!”
“Let thee duel o’ iron livers begin!”
-
>Ye awaken…
>Thee whole night be but a blur to ye, the only hint te it be that green shape over thar.
>Wait… it be a unicorn?
>Two mint-green unicorns?!
>”Good morning handsome… Those hands were ‘wonderful’ last night”
>”Yeah…”
>Oh God Almighty! Thar be two Lyra’s!
>An’ one has fins!
“Arrgh!”
>Ye be runnin’ out o’ the motel ye was in, trying te wonder what ye did last night. Parhaps ye should visit that ‘Berry Punch’.
>Fluttershy be flying alongside ye now, yellin’ in ye ear as ye head back te thee pub.
>”I THOUGHT YOU SAID MERMARES WEREN’T YOUR FETISH!?”
Be ye sailin’ south or be ye sailin’ east, ye can’t navigate drunk, which be how t’is suppose te be.

>Ye be headin’ in the pub, ready te ask thee barman whar Berry Punch be, when ye spot her in a corner booth.
>Still.
>Drinkin’.
>That thar pony doesn’t just have an iron liver...
>Her liver be a golden gift from the gods!
>Ye head over te her, and calmley ask her what ye did last night.
“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? I WOKE UP IN BED WITH A FISH AN' A HORSE!”
>”-Hic- Last night… was… AWESOME! Shame you can’t remember… come to think of it, I don’t remember much either...”
“Well, what do ye remember?”
>”Only thing I can remember is that we went to Pirates+, and bought a biiiiiiig ass cannon.”
“Let’s be off then!”
-
>Ye arrive at thee store an’ be askin’ thee shopkeeper what ye were doing here last night.
>“You came by here drunk last night with berry, and saved my business by buying a big ass cannon for ten thousand bits! Thanks again!”
Ye be freakin’ out now, ye don’t have the dublooms te pay fer somethin’ T’is expensive!
“How could ye let a drunken pirate an’ a hammered horse buy somethin’ T’is costly on a tab!”
“I didn’t sir. You already had the money.”
>What be this dark sorcery?
“Berry... ye wouldn’t happen te remember whar we got that kind of gold, would ye?”
>”umm… I think… we won a Canterlot lotto?”
>How did we get te Canterlot and back in a single passing o’ thee moon?
>Ye head back te ye’s vessel with Berry.
>She be fallin’ over laughin’ at somethin’ when ye arrive.
>Ye look fer what she be laughin’ at.
“Oh send me te Davey Jack’s locker… “
>It be turnin’ out, thee cannon ye bought literally be a ‘big ass cannon’.
>And t’is got paint te look like Lyra’s flank.
>Wonderful…
>Ye an’ Berry Punch set sail fer Canterlot.

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Sailin thee Equestrian waters with thee CMC an’ ye New first mate, Berry Punch!
>Ye fergot who thee old one was.
>Ye be lost on yer way te Canterlot.
>Ye fergot why ye headin’ there in thee first place.
>Probably be somthin’ about that giant Lyra flank cannon ye found.
>Ye’ve been sailin’ through some bay that be in a weird forrest.
>Suddenly! Thar be Turbulent waters ahead!
>Ye be thrown from ye ship into the waters below!
-
>You awaken on the shoreline of the forrest, surrounded by blue flowers.
>You try to call out to your employees.
“Scootaloo? Applebloom? Sweetie Belle? Berry Punch? Is there anyone there?
“Oh my… I do say, what is wrong with my voice?”
>Hmm… aren’t these flowers Poison Joke? How peculiar…
>Suddenly, you have a epithany.
“I DO SAY! I’M SOBER!!”
Writing criticism is to writing fiction and poetry as hugging the shore is to sailing in the open sea.
You don’t know how you even heard of that one.

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Thorn of the high seas!
>And ye be under attack by Silver Spoon the Horrible!
>She be tryin to broadside ye vessel, firin’ off volley after volley o’ what appear te be dildo’s.
>Avast! Ye be fallin’ into the water, being knocked off by a rubber dick the size of a child.
>We’ll, if ye’s gonna drown, ye might as well drown drunk.
>So ye pull out ye rum.
>The rum disperses inte the sea.
"Curse ye physics!"
>”Shoo be doo, Shoo Shoo be doo…”
>Oh curses! Thar be Seapony Lyra!
>She be givin’ ye them bedroom eyes.
>”Hello again lover…”
>Ye start te swimin’ now te avoid the cruelest o’ fates.
>a bull-shit shark eats her as ye look back.
>Fluttershy is on an island nearby singing when you surface.
>It be absolutely wretched sounding.
>Ye cry out in pain, the sound be burstin’ yer ear drums.
>”Are siren’s your fetish Anon?”
“Thar be Greek ye dumb wrench!”
>Ye throw her inte the water, and feed her te the fishes.
>She ends up befriendin’ half before the shark be eatin’ her.
Don't ye be tellin’ te me about pirate tradition! Everyone knows It be nothing but rum, treasure, and rum!

>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>The Duke of Cambridge!
>Wait… that thar can’t be right…
>Ye be pulled back on deck by ye first mate, Berry Punch
>Scootaloo the Chicken an’ Applebloom the Quick be talking te a ‘fabulous’ sea serpent.
>Sweetie Belle the Treacherous got inte Berry Punch’s rum an’ be drunk, like a true Cap’n in the makin’.
>Ye land on deck, wet as the Fluttershy that be staring at ye.
>How she be comin’ back te life so much, ye will never know.
“Fluttershy?”
>“-squee!- yes anon?”
“How do ye be commin’ back from ye’s watery grave?”
>“Not even death can get in the way of my love for you silly, I told you that.”
“No, really. How do ye?”
>“I don’t know. It’s your story...”
>What be that meanin’?
>She be pullin’ out a bottle o’ oil and some flint and steel now.
>”Are third degree burns your fetish?”
>Hmm…
“They be on others!”
>She now be settin’ herself aflame, and falls overboard screamin’.
>Her charred remains sink b‘neath the waves, on thar way te Davey Jack’s Locker.
Ye be findin’ that ye never shall have a bad day, so long as ye be drunk every day.

>Ye be Capt’n Anon’mous
>Drinker of all things that be alcoholic.
>And right now, ye not only be a pirate… 
>Ye be a pirate.. IN SPAAAAAACE!
>Because Celestia decided te banish ye te the moon.
>It turn out, ye didn’t win a Canterlot Lotto with Berry Punch.
>Ye robbed the Royal Vault.
>She also saw the ‘Big ass cannon’ that be painted like Lyra’s flank and sent it with ye.
>An’ ye have a plan.
>Ye light the fuse…
“AVAST! T’IS WAS A BAD IDEA!”
-
>You are Fluttershy.
> and it’s been a few days since you stopped crying when Captain Anon’mous was banished to the moon.
>Wait.. whats that sound…
>It sounds like…
>”ARR! DON’T WORRY ME RUM! DADDY BE HOME!”
>It’s Anon’mous!
>You fly over as fast as your little wings can take you.
>And…
-Squee!-
>You caught him!
>Hmm… maybe…
“U-um Anon’mous?”
>”What be it Fluttershy?”
“Are meteors your fetish?”
>”Nay T’is not.”
>”…I be too sober fer this now…”
>BUUUUCK!
>Ops… I mean… gosh darn it!
In space, no one can hear ye belch.


>Ye be Cap’n Anon’mous!
>Ye and Berry be fishin’ off the side o’ the Purple Hippo.
>Ye feel a tug on the line.
>Arr! this be a big one!
>Ye pull it in.
>Avast! This be a REALLY big one!
>It be nearin’ the surface…
>It be some sort o’ green fish.
>… with a horn…
>”Oh anon… why don’t you love me like I love you…”
>”We could spawn such beautiful eggs together…”
“NAY!”
>Ye throw her back.
>A giant squid gets her.

>Ye be Cap’n Anonymous
>Yer trudging through the jungle, searching for the rum o’ the GODS with ye’s crew.
>Suddenly! ye hear drums.
>Ye spot hooded figures in the trees.
>They surround ye with spears.
>Zebras!
>They catch ye and Scootaloo, the rest of ye crew escapes.
>They be tyin’ ye up, bringin’ ye and Scootaloo back te thar tribe.
>Ye say yer prayers as they prepare a fire and a spit.
>They bring out a deep fryer fer Scootaloo.
>Suddenly, Landlubber Lyra, Fluttershy, Berry punch, Apple Bloom, an’ Sweetie Belle be jumpin’ from the forest.
>Lyra smashes two of the zebras with a lyre.
>Fluttershy be starin’ a few down while that bunny ye stabbed before  beats them.
>Berry Punch is waterboardin’ a zebranig with rum.
“Damn Berry! Yer not s’pose te be doing good things fer them!”
>Apple bloom be firin’ ye’s pistol inte a groupin’.
>And sweetie belle be stuck by the horn in a zebra’s neck, flailin’ like a fish out o’ water.
>The zebras run off, and yer crew cuts ye down.
>They pull Scootaloo out o’ the beer batter.
>“So… Anon… now that we saved you… is salvation your fetish?”
“Arr! That it be! But doesn’t be meanin’ I’ll fuck ye for it!”
>”B-b-but… then I have nothing to live for!”
“Let me help ye with that!”
>Ye stab her and Lyra with your saber.
>Sweetie Belle loads them into a cannon, and fires them out into the distance.
>”Looks like Team Rape is blasting off again!”
>What on the seven seas be that?

Cap’n Anon and the Temple of Rum!
Ye be in a temple in the jungle, within a room with containing a puzzle.
>The puzzle has two levers… an’ that be it…
>Wait… one lever… damn this double vision from booze.
>Ye get pissed at how absurdly complex the puzzle be, an’ throw ye’s empty bottle at it.
>Something happens, an’ the door opens.
>Suddenly Fluttershy comes from within the temple, wearing some sort of native’s garb
>Ye be too mind-fucked as te how she got in there te listen te whatever strange fetish guess she be makin’ t’is time, so ye just toss her into a nearby pit of cobras.
>Ye and yer crew continue onward into the temple.
-
>yer crew comes across a floor with a bunch of letters on it, an be lookin’ weak.
>Apple Bloom the quick Pipes up.
>”We probably have to walk across this in the right order of letters”.
>Fuck that!
>Ye start running across with reckless abandon, with chunks of floor falling behind ye into lava.
>What the hell be lava doin’ in a temple?
>Ye don’t care, ye be across now.
>Lyra must have tried te chase ye and yer crew across the lava, because there be a melting green unicorn and the smell of burnt bacon in the air.
>Ye would miss bacon by now, if ye weren’t stealing Davey jacks pigs.
-
>The next room is some sort of hallway with a strong breeze that be blowing through.
>Ye send Fluttershy down it.
>Her head  be comin’ rollin’ back te ye.
>Ye walk by the hallway an’ skip it, the treasure not be that way anyways.
-
Alas! Thar be the rum!
>Thar be multiple bottles.
>An’ thar also be a really fucking old stallion that be wearin’ some stupid armor.
>”Choose wisely, for the correct bottle will grant you eternal life, but the rest will bring you death.”
“I not be here fer the eter-whatever life! I be here fer rum!
>Oh, that… can I see your I.D. confirming you are 21 years of age?
“Fuck that! What kind o’ pirate be havin’ an I.D.?”
>”Congratulations, you have passed the test, and proved yourself worthy of the rum. Use it wisely.”
>Ye chug the whole thing right thar.
>On the way out o’ the temple, ye see… Another human!?
>Damn, that must have  been good rum.
>”I’m sorry Dr. Jones, but I’ll be taking that.. hey wait, who are you?”
“None of ye business!”
>Ye shoot him.
>T’was a fine day indeed.


>Ye be Cap’n Anon, and ye be cursing ye luck.
>Thar be no wind fer days, and the Purple Hippo aint even fit fer sailin.
>Well, nothing to do but wait…
>And wait…
>And wait…
“An’ God damn this be boring!”
MEANWHILE, AT THE LEGION OF RAPE
>”Ok, but if we catch him I call his hands first.”
“Why can’t I have them?”
“Becayse you’re a fish.”
>”U-um… what plan?”
>”The plan we just went over.”
>”Ya’ll never explained no plan.”
>”Seapony Lyra, go back over the plan.”
>”Sure thing Lyra, what we’re going to do is-“
>”OBJECTION!... Continue…”
>”Yes.. what were going to do is steal his cane, place under this flimsy net, and…”
>”I see a few problems in this plan sugarcube…”
>”Name one.”
>”Well, fer starters, he dosen’t have a cane, steal his rum if yah gonna bait him.”
>”And second, why are yah plannin’ on usin’ ah ‘flimsy net’, why not use ah electrified cage?”
>”Shut the buck up you inbred uneducated hick this plan is perfect!”
>”EXCUSE ME MISSY?”
>”Yah, why are you even here anyways?”
>”Ahm foalsittin’ Silver Spoon fer her mother.”
>”like OMGosh I keep telling u I don’t need a foalsittr!”
>”Oh really?”
>”Like, totally!”
>“What?”
>”Like OMG y don u undrstnd me?”
>”Equestrian please?”
>”I r speekin eqstrin. Its n T3Xt Sp34K.”
>”Ah swear ah can’t understand that filly sometimes.”
>”That makes two ponies here I can’t understand.”
>”WELL WHY DON’T YA SAY THAT TO MAH FACE!”
>“U-um… I think we should calm down…”
>”Not until this minty fresh primate bucker apologizes tah me!”
>”Inbred cow bucker!”
>”Girls… please… We have a human to rape after all…”
>”Like OMGosh who r u?”
>”Yah, who are you?”
>”They call me…“
>“Molestia”
>Somewhere off in the distance, Captain Anonymous’ jimmies unexplainly rustled ever so slightly.
Be red skys in mornin’ a Cap’n be drinkin’. Be redsky’s at dawn, a Cap’n still be drinkin’.

>Ye be Cap'n Anon'mous!
>And ye be in dire danger of runnin' out o' rum!
>Ye an' ye's crew tried ye hands an' hooves at distillin' some.
>That ended in thar biggest fireball ye ever did see.
>T'was beautiful, till some hippies mistook it fer a bonfire, an' started dancin around it.
>Still, ye lost the still, and all the beautiful rum with it.
>So... much... rum... gone...
>Then, ye had an epiph... Epip... 
>An idea!
>Or rather,  Pipsqueak Ironsides did.
>Ye have no idea how he got back from Silver Spoon the Horrid's clutches.
>Anyways, ye now be sneakin' inte a rum factory.
>It be not so much sneakin', and more of runnin' in and bashin' ponies over the head with an anchor.
>"Rum Ho, Captain!"
>Rushin' to ye crew, ye lay yar eyes on thar most beautiful thing ye evar saw.
"It's... Beautiful..."
>"It's nice... But i prefer whiskey..."
>Thar be the most blasphemous thing Berry Punch evar did say!
>Ye don't care though, yar treasure chest o' fucks be emptied by the sight o' the rum.

>Barrel by barrel, ye and yar crew load up the rum.
>By ye and yar crew, ye mean yar crew.
>Yar too busy gettin' a head start drinkin'.
>Sailin' off inte the distance, ye prepare te get started on yar fifth barrel.
>Why be the rum in thar yellow and pink?
>"H-hi Anon. Remember when you said rum was your fetish?"
"I don't even remember me own breakfast!"
>Ye slam the lid on the barrel shut.
>Hookin' a chain to it and a cannonball, ye prepare te fire.
>Lightin' the fuse, Flutters the Horny be shot off inte the distance.
Meanwhile...
>"Like OMGosh DT, I totes have a plan to fuck Anon!
>"Silver, would you please shut the fuck up for a second? I think I hear something..."
>"Like, OMGosh, u like, totes don't tell me wat to do!"
>Suddenly, Fluttershy's barrel smashes through the deck of the ship, landing in the ammo storage.
>She pops the lid, and as she does the steel ring on it hits a chain, sending sparks.
>A spark ignites a fuse.
>"Meep!"
>Seaponies for miles could see the resulting explosion.
>Captain Anonymous sees it, and celebrates the only way he knows how.
>With plenty of rum.
A storm be a brewin'. Too bad it not be rum that be brewin'.

>Ye be Cap'n Anon'mous!
>And shiver ye timbers, why be all these ponies in costumes?
>"It's nightmare night silly filly!
>Oh, that thar would explain it.
>Ye's been trying to get some loot all night, but anytime ye point yer saber at a pony, they just laugh!
>Then they say something about how ye costume is great!>
>Ye need a drink...
>Ye head into a bar, and take a seat at the bar counter.
>Strange... Ye don't remember the barman being a pirate.
"Arr! A cup of ye's finest rum!"
>"Right away matey!"
>He pulls out his gun, and fires a shot into the glass.
>The most beautiful rum ye ever seen fires out of it.
>What be this sorcery?
>Perhaps ye should ask Trixie, it could be -ahem- useful.
>The door opens, and everybody grows silent.
>The only sound be the occasional hoofsteps across the floor.
>The footsteps stop behind ye, and ye turn around to face whoever it be.
>Some unicorn, dressed in some sort of black chink garbs.
>She stands on her back hooves, and suddenly throws a little shinny star thingy at ye!
>Ye jump off ye's stool, and draw ye saber!
>She draws a katana, and the battle begins!
>Ye slash at her, but she expertly parries ye's swipe!
>She throws another star, but misses.
>Ye feel some moisture on ye leg.
>Wait...
>She hit ye bottle of celebratory rum!
"Arr, ye'll pay fer that!"
>She says nothing, only beckoning ye like a siren.
>Ye charge at her, going after her with a jab of ye's steel.
>She knocks the sword out of ye's hand!
>Ye pull out ye's gun, but her blade cuts it in half.
>She puts the blade to ye throat, and removers her hood.
"Lyra!?"
>"Pants. Drop em."
>Ye do just that, thar be to many rums left undrunk fer ye.
>Well, looks like e's screwed... litterally...
>She drops the sword.
>"YES! THEY'RE MINE AT LAST!"
>She puts on ye pants, and runs off.
>That thar be the oddest thing ye've seen all night.
>Fluttershy flys up to ye now.
>"H-hi Anon. Is-"
>Ye don't let her finish her sentence, instead cutting her head off with Lyra's katana.
Arr, I be feeling that thar LOVE of the sea!

Pastebin.com Tools & Applications

iPhone/iPad

Windows

Firefox

Chrome

WebOS

Android

Mac

Opera

Click.to

UNIX

WinPhone