The Derped Up Tour Guide

>It's just another day in the life for Anon

>That's you, by the way

>You hear the rain hammer against your window, as you bask in the glow of your computer monitor

>You aimlessly browse through 4chan threads, as you watch the clock hit midnight

>You have work tomorrow, but that's the last thing on your mind

>You need to tell this guy on /co/ about how his favourite comic is shit

>You check your can of carbonated beverage. Shit, it's empty

>Mustering up all the strength in your being, you get up from your chair and head to the fridge

>Open it up, pull out a can. You find a sandwich in there as well

>No idea how old it is, but you stuff it down anyway

>You pop the can open as you recline in your chair, preparing to engage in another internet argument

>But you hear something strange

>It's a soft whispering, but where the fuck is it coming from?

>Could somebody be in your house? you start to panic a little

>You grab the closest object to you and clutch it tightly

>You slowly creep downstairs

>Nobody there. but you can still hear the whispering

>You can't pinpoint the direction from which it originates

>You try to listen as close as you can

>"Portal...something wrong...not sure..."

>Most of it is garbled, but it sounds like a woman

>Suddenly, you hear the sound of thunder striking just outside

>A blinding white light pours in through all the windows, disorienting you

>You stumble and fall over as you try to get a bearing of your surroundings

>You try to get to your feet, but you feel yourself lifting off the ground

>With nothing to hold on to, you are powerless to stop yourself being sucked up

>All you can see is the white light

>No idea what is happening or why

>No idea where you're going

>But you do know, you probably won't make it to work tomorrow

 

>That was a pretty weird dream

>You yawn, and stretch out your arms

>Time to go to work, I guess

>But wait. you're not on your bed

>You feel grass beneath you

>You stumble to your feet, and let your eyes adjust to the light

>You're in a field, next to some kind of farm

>You try to tell yourself this is a dream, but everything feels so real

>You pull an apple off a tree branch

>Tastes real enough

>You're not sure if it's time to really panic yet

>You put your hands under your shirt and run them over your torso

>No scars, so thankfully nobody has stolen any organs

>Could you have been drugged? maybe you shouldn't have eaten that sandwich after all

>Better go find somebody to help you

>This is a farm, so there should be people that work here, right?

>Hopefully they speak English, wherever you are

>You turn, and come face to face with something

>You THINK it's a pony, but you've never heard of a bright yellow horse before. it's got this bow tied in its red mane

>Your presence seems to really freak it out. it's shaking, eyes wide

"Uhh..."

>What could you say to this horse thing to calm it down? it's starting to make you uncomfortable

"Shh...there there, it's okay..."

>Maybe give it a pat on the head? you're no horse expert, but at this point you'll do anything to stop it staring at you

>You start to move your hand towards it, but it screams and bolts off

>Wait, that scream...

>It sounded like a person

>You have a feeling, that's not going to be the weirdest thing you'll see yet

 

>You peer in through the window, but there is nobody in the barn house

>Can't help but notice the door to the house is really small

>Is there a lot of midgets living around here?

>Time to move on

>You follow a dirt path until you reach town

>Take a look at the sign

>"Ponyville"

>The fuck?

>All these buildings are really crazy looking

>The silence is deafening as you make your way through the town

>You knock on doors, but nobody answers

>All the curtains are drawn shut

"Hello? anybody out here?"

>You hear your voice echo out, and nothing else

>This is starting to get frustrating

>You keep going, hoping you'll find somebody soon...

>The trampling of feet grabs your attention

>Although it turns out it isn't feet, but hooves

>You see a group of multi-coloured ponies run towards you

>Shit, what to do?

>"Somebody stop it!"

>Did that purple one just speak English?

>"Don't worry, I'll get him!"

>That blue one has fucking wings!

>Fuck this shit, start running

>You make a break for it as you hear them close behind

>You turn your head for a second, and see a blue blur speeding towards you

>You panic, and swing your fist

>You strike it on the nose, sending it off course, right through a shop window

>These things are fucking fast, what to do?

>You duck between buildings, hiding behind a trash can

>Sighing in relief, you watch them run right by you

>"Hiya!"

"Aah! the fuck?"

>There's a grey horse right behind you...

>"Are you new in town? you look funny!"

>...and it's trying to start a conversation

 

"What the fuck is going on?!"

>"I've only just met you, but I can tell you're more than a little upset"

>She's certainly right there

"Where am I? what country is this? Are you a Chernobyl mutation or some shit?"

>"You're in Equestria, silly!"

>What? Is she fucking with you?

>"So, where are you from?"

"I'm from [Insert your home country here]!"

>"That's weird. never heard of that place before"

>You've never been more confused in your entire life

>Your thoughts drift to the bright light in your house, and being dragged upwards towards it...

>You can't believe you're thinking this, but could it have been a portal?

>A portal to another world?

>"Hey, mister? you okay?"

"...Huh? oh...hey, you got a place I can hide?"

>"Why do ya wanna hide?"

"Didn't you just see the neon horse brigade chase me? I don't know what they're gonna do to me if they catch me!"

>You hear the trampling of hooves

>Shit, they must have heard you

"Look, I'm begging you, you gotta hide me!"

>"Oh, don't worry! they're perfectly harmless! Oh! Hello there, Twilight!"

>What?

>Oh goddamnit, it's that purple horse

>Her friends watch as she lifts you off the ground, levitating you

>>"A-hah! got you!"

>That grey pony will be the death of you yet

 

>They dragged you into this library, built into a massive as fuck tree

>The other ponies eye you suspiciously as the purple one starts flipping through books

>>"This is unbelievable! I can't find anything about it in my books..."

"Yo, Purple! I'm not an 'it', I'm a 'he'"

>>"It even understands us! amazing!"

>"So where the hey this thing came from, anyhow?"

>Normally you'd be surprised at an orange pony with a southern accent, but a lot has happened today

"Ever hear of a place called Earth?"

>They all look at you confused

>>"Earth?"

"Yeah. the planet Earth"

>>"...The planet? but this is...omigosh! could it be possible...?"

>"What ever do you mean, darling?"

>H, that white pony has a nice accent

>>"I originally intended to send myself to Manehatten, my first attempt at real long-distance teleportation...but I must have made a grave miscalculation..."

>>"I may have opened a portal in another universe!"

>"Stop speakin' in fancy, Twilight!"

>>"Another reality! I accidentally removed this creature from his home world!"

"Goddamnit Purple, I'm not a fucking martian! call me 'Anon'"

>Well, to these ponies, you might as well be a Martian. no idea if they actually have a Mars in this universe

>>"Okay, Anon...Look, I promise, I'll find a way to fix this. and soon!"

>"Yeah, I really hope so!"

>Clearly, that blue pony is still mad at you for decking her

"Hey...look, I'm really sorry about earlier..."

>"Yeah, sure!"

>You sigh. the grey pony is still there with you. she seems oblivious to the sheer insanity of the events that have transpired

>>"Uhm...guys?"

>Twilight seems concerned now

>>"...has anyone seen Spike?"

>Right now, inside your house, a baby dragon is regaining conciousness on your kitchen floor