AiE: An Exorcist in Magic Horse Land

Personally.. I blame the Fae.

That's my decision, and I'm sticking with it. Fuck the Fae. Okay, the giant miss-mash of creatures baring down on me isn't one of the bloody twee bastards. No glitter here. Not even one of the old school ones, the ones that steal babies and eat them. It's not even a good classic fantasy monster. No dragon, no basilisk, no hellspaw- actually it might be from hell. I've heard stories about that place. Probably not though, not enough feeling like I'm tarnished from mere proximity to.. 'him'. Well in any case I'm being faced by something that just has absolutely no taste in what supernatural beings should be, or just good taste in general.

In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure WHAT Discord is. Aside from miffed at me. Somewhat.

 

Okay; so maybe life has been a little weird these past few years. Weirder still in the last couple of months. Being disembowelled by an angry..er, chimera I guess, is not the way I thought I'd go. Let alone under a plaid sky. It's funny, actually.

I didn't even feel the claws tearing through me. I wonder if that's normal, like if the human body has a hidden subroutine that says "Okay, there's no real point in making the guy feel pain. He's dead. Let's just shove a fuck ton of endorphines into his system and let the poor bastard giggle himself to death." Because if there is; then I finally have something nice to say to about a Creator.

It was still a bit of a shock to see my clothes and skin torn aside. More blood spurted from me than I expected too. A pity really, I really rather liked that jumper.. You know, I heard one person was told not to drink cola because it stains the inside of your stomach.

Well I can tell you for a fact now that's a lie. At least, I think it was my stomach. It might have been my liver.. heh, never was that interested in biology. Though I could identify my intestines lying outside of me fairly well. Oh wait, no.. it's going black. Hardly surpris- yeah. I can feel myself falling. Though not landing. Wonder if I died before then?

 

I guess.. I guess that's my life then? You know it's odd. It didn't feel like it quite began until a little while back. Though I started to wake up.. oh what was it.. eight, nine years ago? I can still remember how I got here as if everything since then was a dream. Perhaps it was?

 

Let's see.. ah yes. I was on my way to a job... I suppose that's a good thing in a way. I had all the necessary gear I needed before the shit went down. Seriously though, fuck Fae. Sarcastic, smug little winged shits. Ever seen one? Probably haven't. You lucky little arseholes in your cosy office jobs. Unless you've got a gremlin in there with you I guess. Then you're dealing with the same shit I deal with every day and not even knowing why everything's going to shit. (Which reminds me. Gremlins have sweet tooths. Just leave a couple sweets around and they'll calm down. Paranatural Tech Support tip of the day, that!)

There's a whole world out there that you likely never really get to experience. Nothing like London Below or Nightside, alas. Nothing quite so romantic or as advanced as that. Well, there are places like that but the commute is a killer. Most people just don't bother or live on-site. But I prefer my fantasy with a taste of the mundane. Knowing that there's people who think about soap operas and what to cook for tomorrow, if they should go to the gym and little details like that... well, cliché as it is.. and my god is it cliché.. it helps to get things in perspective. Okay, I said it. Don't touch me.

Does it help you to know that we've adopted the word Muggle? While nothing about the Potter franchise is true. Well.. okay, *someone* who worked on the design clearly was in-touch with the fantastic. Because those Pixies are pretty much identical to a sub-type of Gremlin. But I digress, ALMOST nothing is true. But the word 'Muggle'? It's great. Plus I think TVtropes uses it.

Hey! It's not like we have our own cinema screenings and TV channels. A fair amount of us are just human. Or mostly human.

 

Yeah, okay you've probably guessed the basic idea of what I do.. or did. But I'll spell it out for the hard of thinking and those with thinking-brain dogs. I deal with the supernatural. The fantastic. The.. unseen. Although I saw the unseen every day for almost a decade, never did like that name. Trust me; it's just another job for me. And just part of life for most of us.

There's a whole field of study to this; and I don't know most of it, and I don't think you really care about the Bluestream or Mist in any case. So I'll just simplifiy, use metaphors and outright lie to you. We cool? Okay.. yes; there is a magical world adjacent to ours. (And that one is supposedly adjacent to a fuck-ton of others. But that's more than you really need to know. Shhh!) Not many on either side utilise this; but it does happen. And even then, it's largely tourism. Half of those Japanese tourists? Aliens. Literally or otherwise. It's just the standard glamour now, everyone's comfortable with it.

You think that magical elves old as time don't find you interesting? Hah! C'mon, don't you visit the petting zoo and giggle at the little piglets rooting around in the dirt? That's pretty much how they feel about us. All playing around with our lil' technology. Aww, ain't humanity adorable?

Though I'm told they still don't believe atomic weaponry is real. Something about little science-monkies and mud. Nobody can listen to an elf for long without wanting to not be listening to an elf any more. For whatever reason they find it hard to believe in them; I really, really hope we never have to prove them wrong.

 

So.. what do I do again? Well, I tell people on the 'Outside' I'm an exotic animals exterminator. And that's largely true. Except it's really a complete fabrication. I guess you'll work it out.

Where was I? Oh yeah. On the job, going to a client's property. Pretty simple job really, just cleared the place up, redid the protective measures and left the invoice. What happened next is the strange thing.

Now, strange things pop through between the worlds. Greys are creepy but harmless, djinn CAN be complete bastards but generally keep to themselves. Thankfully. But.. then again you get something you've never quite encountered before. And never do again. I guess it's the multiverse just taking a shit in my already stretched and abused comfort zone; still makes me want to hide under a blanket for some of the.. *stranger* ones. We're talking psychic gestalt tentacle entities with pheromones that effect humans and who sing hymns of damnation in your mother tongue level strange. And then it can only goes Lovecraftian and out the other side.

Which I guess only makes it STRANGER that the latest example of abnormal fuckery was a floating crystal. I guess amethyst. Kinda light purple. Tall. Pointy. Crystalline.

There's not much you can say about an alien visitor to your world which is so bloody ordinary looking. Don't ask me what the Muggles were seeing. Men in suits are a bit dated now, for all I know for the next few minutes I was talking to the glamour of a postbox from an outside observer.

"...you speak English?", the clever and witty opening line that only I could spew with the force of a 500psi bolognese jar.

>No.

"You just did, crystal."

>I did not.

You know what? Fuck crystals. Fae, you're back in the classy "Screw you" book. Welcome back, I'm starting to warm to you in comparison. Fucking sapient crystals. Didn't even speak very well. Sorta.. robotic? In the voice emulator, Moonbase Alpha kind of robot.

"I- look. We can play the 'I'm a being of pure thought and energy who exists on a plane beyond your imagining' all day; or we can skip it. I know I'd rather get back home to some food."

>I never spoke English.

You have no idea how often I deal with this kind of thing. Uppity 'Powers' slumming on Earth. Often minor-league anyway. This one? Smug. For some reason they think any native with a hint of a third eye is a tour-guide. Sometimes I play along for the tips. Mostly tell them to piss off.

"..Okay, I'll bite.. what ARE you doing then?"

>We are speaking directly int-

"-into my mind?"

>...yes.

Seriously, the crystal sounded miffed then. I don't know how a genderless voice sounds so annoyed with no facial features. Guess pissing things off when I'm hungry is a talent of mine.

"....and? You're lost? Need a Binder? Like talking to random paranormals?"

>I require your assistance.

Yeah, you heard. The talking psychic crystal needed my help. Back then, I was hoping it would be easy. Or at least not heavy lifting. Once; this High Elf with no arms made me help him with his souvenir shopping. Only gave me a fricking gold coin that turned to a leaf the instant it touched cold iron. Screw Fae. And don't accept any of their 'gifts'.

Of course.. it didn't quite end that way.

>You are required in another Plane. Your skills and form are suitable for the task.

"Woah woah woah. You must be mixing me with someone who planeshifts. I'm Anonymous. Strictly Earth only."

>You are required.

"Well I'm refusing."

>Regrettable. However; compliance is only desired. Not necessary.

"Well it's good that you understan- wait. What are yo-"

Terrible last words to say on Earth, really.

 

Seriously. Fuck crystals. Straight after flat-out refusing, the fucker just conjures up a summoning circle under me. I don't know how it did it. Maybe it was invisible the whole time and I just stepped on it. Maybe I was hit by a form of immobilisation and I never got to experience the time where the circle was inscribed under me. Or maybe back then I was just pissing off a Major Power. Something capable of actually planeshifting on a whim. All I know is that I look down; see a glowing ritual circle and,

"FUCKING HELLFIRE!"

Terrible first words to say on a new world, really.

 

The trip itself was pretty much instantaneous. To me anyway. Which only speaks volumes of what that crystal is capable of. I wouldn't be betting against it being able to pull some continent-wide bullshit if it wanted to. Then again, maybe 'it' is a gendered being. Never really did look into what it even was. Never much opportunity for one.

Still, if you've ever planeshifted you may know what I missed out on. Swirling stars and swirly energy matrixes aren't the half of it. Last I heard there was still a weekly club at the Stag's Hart where the idiot magi got high, then Planeshifted purposefully slowly to enjoy the full effects. Though considering the state they arrived in, they often got eaten by a grue or something. Maybe there's a deadpool going on now. Wouldn't be surprised.

But; back to my flashbacks.

 

"Fucking crystals. Ah! My skull feels like.. like shit." basically spat that didn't I? Didn't mention that, about teleports.. well they feel like every fucking nerve of yours is being electrocuted the instant you arrive. Imagine pins-and-needles, but intensified and applied everywhere on your body. And in your body. And your mind. Did I mention that I only ever work on Earth? Hate teleports.

Interesting.. it's only now while I'm looking over my life... man, I can be a moody bugger can't I? Hindsight's a bitch, eh? Wonder if I continue being all y'know... pissed off at the world.

Still blame the Fae for that one though.

Waking up was an interesting time too. Because my most gracious and pleasant host, the rude-warping crystal of- yeah you're right. I think I've gotten it clear I don't much care for sapient crystalline entities from alien worlds. It's a niche hatred but I guess I'm just hipster like that.

But it was an interesting experience. For one; it was outdoors. Mostly people don't just assign a teleport that takes you potentially ANYWHERE to a spot in a field. It's just common sense to set up a marker or hell, another circle so you've got something to aim at. But apparently giant amethysts know better.

Or not, considering I was in the middle of a field in winter. Snow-covered winter. Wearing nothing more than a formal shirt and trousers. Always knew I should have gone for the trenchcoat-wearing PI look. But then it had been summer before I.. left.

Still have no fucking idea why I got dropped there. Don't rightly recall much of that day, after I had my fill of swearing at the fucking air; hoping to get zapped back I started walking. Random direction really. I guess I was looking for shelter. Or something to drink.

>W͘h̢͟àt͝ ̕̕i͞n ͜͠t̢à̢͘rn̸͢a͝ti̸͜on̴̨-̶ g̶͞it҉̢ ̷͏̛o͡utta̢ ͘͝h͘͞e͞͡ŗ́ȩ ̕y͏͡͠a v̨a͘r̶͏ḿ̸mį͜n̷͜͡t̶҉͠!

Oh man, I totally forgot about this encounter. Yeah, I didn't really catch that either. All I could see was a yellowish blur off in the snow.

"Hey! That you, crystal? Could have used some warning before we left.. my entire fucking planet!" Right.. yeah. That kind of shut the yellow blur up for a time as I recall, and then;

>Da͟r͢͏̵n̴̸̡it͞,̵̡̕ ̛͡w҉͏̨ha̛t̵e͘͡҉v̷͝ȩ̨r̴ ̀ý'̕al҉l a̴̶rȩ̡͜!͡ ͏Y͜o͜u got͘ ̴ţ̵h̡̀̀r҉è͜ę͞ ͘ş͟e͜c̡o̕͢ņ̧͟d̸͞s͝͝ ̀̀͞t҉̨o ̶͘sl͟i͟͜nk ̡̡͢b̧a̸̡͘c̕͞k̵̡͞ ̴̀i̡̡͠n̸̨t͜o͠ ̶̢̢th̵e̵̛ ̢É̕v̷̀e̡̧r̛͠f́r͘e͢͞ę͘ ͏'͜f̢̕̕o̕͘r̀e ͠I̸͠ ̸ţ͡i̶̵é͝ ỳ̡o̵͢u̵ up҉ ҉͠an҉'̨̛ ̴dr̡͢͡à̢͟g̶ ̵̨͞y̸͠ou̢̨r̷ ̷͘s͏̡ór̷͡r̛̀͜y̵ ͜͢h͘id̶̕e ̵̵͝į͢͢n҉͜ t͜h̢͠e̵̷r͏̧ȩ̡͡!́͞

C'mon, who the fuck understands this kind of shit? Start off with the promise of easy money. End up in a fucking bizzard. Okay, some snow. Feels like a blizzard in summer wear, I assure you. And if you don't believe me, then you fucking stand outside in the snow unprepared and see if your balls don't feel like they're trying to retract into my intestinal tract. Which, by the way, I think I can feel on my ankle. Unless I'm just fantasising that.

 

Either way; next thing I knew was a rope sailing through the air and, I swear this is true, coiling around me like it was alive. There are some things people can do with a plain old rope that I would swear blind was witchcraft if I didn't know for a fact it couldn't be.

Of course; what came next rather shook me. The rope already threw me. Crystals don't need rope.

>Ýee͟h̵a̛w!͘ ͘G͡o͢͝t̴͘ ýo͢͝u̶͠͡.̨͠.̡̛ ̢̨͞ý͝o҉̴͘u.. e̷͡ŗ͞;̡͘͞ ͢ẃ͡͝hą͏t̵̕͠ ̸̀mà̡n̵̕͜nè̴͘r҉̴ ́͜ó̢f̸͠ ̶͢c̶r͝i͠t̷t̷̸e̢r AR̵̨E̶ ̧y̸a?̛

"..You're not crystal. You're an.. orange thing.

>͏̴W̡̨a̢i̧t̶͢, ̷̢̛y͠'͏̷a̛l͏́̕l͡ ̕a̸͞r͏e͠ t͢͝a̴lki̵̴ń'̢͟ ̵̶ai̷̧͠n̛'̸̨͢t̕͟ ̸y̷̕a̧͝?̛ ̵͏ ̷

"Why aren't you crystal? What.. wai-" Hate this part. Just.. hate it. For one, there's that sigh the creature gave at the time. Like *I* was the one at fault here. Sure, not like a fucking magical macguffin didn't just zap me here with no rhyme or reason! Take it out on the fucking balls-freezing-off human!

But mostly because I was then knocked over dragged off into a barn through the snow. Over rocks.

>Lo̸ơk̷̀s ̷l̛i͘͡k҉e̶҉ ̶I'́͝v̢̨e̵̛̕ ̢͝͝ģ̸͘ot̶͡ mo͡ŗ͝e̸ ͡wò͜r̶͞k̨͜͢ ̕͢t̴͝ǫ͞͞d͘͜a̶y̡.͡.҉.̵́

"I don't fucking understand you.. you... horse.. thing?!"

 

..yeah. It's kind of boring from this point onwards. Mostly I just shiver in an empty barn. If you want; I could show you my epic travels as I inchworm over a pile of straw and curl up inside. All that AMAZING adventuring and feats of skill after I yelled myself hoarse after the horse.

Got to admit; the last couple of minutes sounded more like an over-crowded Tourette sufferers convention. I don't think there was anything other than a short, barked vulgarity for that.

Instead; I'll leave you in the hands (hooves?) of someone more capable of describing the interesting shit that happened next.

I'll just crawl into the straw.

 

~~~INSERT FUCKING DREAM SEQUENCE BULLSHIT HERE, YOU PANSIES~~~

 

You are Twilight Sparkle.

*Personal* student to Her Highness, Princess Celestia. And holder of the Element of Magic. Writer of some rather 'Daring' fanfics based arou-

Waityouweren'tsupposedtoknowaboutthat!

 

*Ahem* Can- Can I do a re-over? Oh.. erm.. Hi!

I'll try my best from now on, okay?

Okay. So we were in my library. Well, technically it's the PONYVILLE library. But I'm the librarian of the town and I run it. So I guess you could call it mine! Kinda. It's technically the Princess's. But in.. THE library I was just catching up on some of 'Wispy Withers Almanac of Illusion Magicks'.

What can I say? I had gotten behind on my illusions at the time. Not now of course, I make sure to properly organise my revision and studying timetables, allowing for a grace period for well... life to try and mess up my schedule.

Which I could probably have used because then life decided to not just mess up my schedule, but entirely DESTROY it, my weekly and even monthly checklists! Of course, I guess it all ended up interesting enough to almost make up for it. But.. an unfilled checklist just never feels right with me. In the end I had to burn them, they kept.. looking at me.

What happened was; well.. to start off it was Applejack. She's the pony who pretty much runs Sweet Apple Acres single-hoofed if you didn't know. And, well.. one of my closest friends!

>Hahh... sorry fer disturbin' y'all so late Twi.. it's.. ah...

"It's what, Applejack? Something happen over at Sweet Apple?"

>Kinda. Ah think somethin' came over from Everfree lookin' fer food. Only, it's wearin' clothes an ah THINK is tryin' tah talk. Never heard anypony speak like that before now though!"

"It's trying to talk?"

>That's what I said! What, don't believe me? Shoot, it ain't like that big ol'-

"I believe you AJ! You're Honesty, remember? Let me just pack this away an'"

>Er.. about that.. I kinda only just made it back here before.. well. Just take a look outside.

Until then, all I had been thinking of was what Applejack saw. She never lies if she can avoid it, and it's easy to see when she does. But she can be fooled.. but well; the sight of an Applejack shaped hole in the snow that had built outside my door sort of stopped that.

"Oh.. that's.. that's not good."

>Y'all are tellin' me. Even I wouldn't like to be caught outside again. Still, I left the critter in the barn.. should be warm enough to leave overnight, if that's okay with you Twi?

"Well.. I'd rather not leave a potential new species undocumented.."

>So, what.. y'all can 'port straight to Sweet Apple Acres without getting lost in the snow along the way now?

"Good.. good point AJ. You can stay here with me unti- ohmigosh! We can have a little slumber party tonight! Just the two of us!"

>Sounds.. great, Twi! Yeah.

Wait, I don't remember Applejack looking so down after announcing the slumber party..

And how are you having a flashback from MY perspective? This doesn't even make sense! I'm not the one near-death.

 

~~~THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU: PURPLE HORSE WITH A HORN STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT'S FACE. AND STOP LAMPSHADING!~~~

 

Okay, that's enough out of the purple magic horse. Because I just remembered something.

I was in that fucking barn, it stank okay? But at least it was warm. Kinda. And after a while, I just started to fall asleep. It was boring, and I couldn't get the fucking ropes off. For some reason, this barn was entirely devoid of any kind of sharp agricultural implement. I'm pretty sure there's a law against that now I think about it.. JUST IN CASE a handsome man tied up against his will needs to escape.

Turns out the barn is often let out to parties and gatherings anyway. So there's actually a reason there. But at the time it was fucking annoying. But not as annoying as what happened next. I was just drowsing off, when I hear a slight rustle. I ignore it, thinking it to be like; a mouse or something. And unless it attacks me or frees me, why the hell should Anonymous care? Am I right?

But then... oh god.. but then.. -and I'm not surprised I didn't remember this until now. Probably purged it- my back gets warm. Like, really warm. And wet. I turn around and find this dog has walked up and pissed on my side as I was asleep.

Seriously.

You know what? Crystals? Fucking love them. Fae? I'll be fucking gay for them if it means I can place dogs higher than them on 'The List'. Actually no. Not dogs. I love dogs. Just that one. Just... that one.

 

Shouted until the dog went away of course. No doubt confused that the fucking fire hydrant started talking. Last thing I did before falling asleep?

"I want to go home.."

 And that, ladies and faggots.. was my wondrous magical adventure of the first day I experienced in Equestria. Hope it lived up to your no-doubt jaded and high-class tastes. You spoilt horsefuckers. Now get the fuck out of my head.