Anon and Chrysalis Ch26 - Act 1

The Marvellous Mishaps of Anon and Chrysalis

Chapter 26: Anonymous, Keeper of the Nope

Act 1: We’ve never been good at anything

 

>It was another day in the town of Ponyville.

>Not much was really happening, but you couldn’t say it was boring. Not with Chrysalis about.

>Of course, she isn’t actually with you at this exact moment. She’s upstairs, packing some things.

>Thank god ponies don’t wear shoes. You’d probably drown in them if they did.

>You were still a bit iffy on Chrysalis going over to... Alpha Hive was it? Yes, that’s the one.

>Her mother had been so kind as to invite her over for some family business.

>You were almost confident that business would be more or less just Chrysalis having to say hi to every noble in existence to assure them that she does acknowledge their existence. What rubbish!

>But there was no way out of it. And even worse, you can’t go.

>Queen Cocoona had been quite clear on that. Apparently you would just get in the way and confuse everyone.

>A fair point, you had agreed. Especially considering what Chrysalis enjoyed doing with you... eugh.

>While you had gotten a bit more accustomed to the whole concept, it still wasn’t really on your ‘do this often’ list.

>A few more minutes passed, with you just sitting around, doing whatever, unlike the pair of grey ponies off in your kitchen. They had school or mail duty to get on.

>Hoofsteps approaching catch your attention. You turn to the doorway.

>There stands your always playful changeling queen. “Hello, Anon.”

 

“Good morning, Chrysalis. All ready?”

>She nods, stepping toward you. You can spot Ditto behind her carrying two heavily packed suitcases.

>From the look on his face, she’s bringing her entire wardrobe. You can’t help but think it’s a bit excessive.

>”Don’t worry, I won’t be gone long. Just a week or so.”

“Yes, I know. You told me last night.”

>She rolls her eyes as you stand from your armchair, meeting her halfway.

>You share a quick hug. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too, Chrys. Stay out of trouble?”

>”I promise nothing. You know how my sister is.”

“She’s going to be there? Oh man, you poor thing. How will you survive?”

>She just shakes her head. “You’re forgetting who you’re dealing with, Anon. The changeling queen is undefeatable.”

>You laugh. Alright, Chrys. You turn to Ditto.

“Keep her safe, alright?”

>The officer manages a nod. If he were to speak he’d probably drop his load. Chrysalis, noticing this, snatches one of the suitcases from him.

>Shortly after, Dinky and Derpy trot in. Like you, they say their goodbyes.

>The queen disappears down your stairs, off to have untold adventures deep underground.

 

>You turn to your furry friends who smile at you.

>You’re not sure what, but something seems odd about Derpy. She seems almost... twitchy.

>Whatever. She probably put too much sugar in her cereal or something.

“So... what do you two have planned for the day?”

>”School!” the young filly replies. Her mother smiles at her.

“And work for you then? Well, have fun. I’ll... just be here. In my house. Alone.”

>It’s going to be one hell of a week without Chrysalis around... She’s pretty much become your main source of entertainment. It’s always fun taking shots at her.

>Once the others are off, you consider what sort of things you can do.

>Well, you could hang out with Rainbow Dash. Bros have got to spend time together, after all.

>Or perhaps chill with Pinkie and her siblings. While Inkie was still universally hostile, Blinkie was always nice to you.

>Hell, you could even go see what Fluttershy is up to. She’d probably love that.

>You head upstairs, snatching up Chrysalis’ schedule. She always seems to have something on the go.

>However that specific week had nothing you’d want to do. Half of these things were impossible without her anyway.

>Hm... well, Rainbow is probably nearby. Let’s go see what she—

>Hey, your doorbell. Never mind then. Looks like the entertainment has come to you.

>But god damn, if it’s that fucking apple farmer...

 

>You make your way downstairs. The fact that this pony keeps ringing your doorbell annoys you somewhat.

>Don’t they realize you’re coming? Stop being so impatient.

>Finally arriving, you open up the door, revealing Pinkie Pie. She seemed to be having fun smashing your doorbell to bits with her hooves.

>She looks pretty high strung as well. A bit like Derpy, actually. Hm.

>Typical of Pinkie Pie, she hasn’t even noticed you’re here, and is bashing away at the bell still.

>You manage to grab her hoof before she strikes it again, causing her to yelp in surprise.

>”Oh! Anon!” She brightens up significantly, any panic she might have had leaving her.

“Morning, Pinkie. What can I do for you?”

>”Well, nothing you’d want to do. But Ditto can help me! Do you know where he is?”

“Probably halfway to Epsilon Hive. Why do you ask?”

>Her eye twitches. “Haha, funny, Anon!” She takes a few steps closer. That crazed look... What is she doing?

“Pinkie? Look, he’s out of town for a week. Didn’t he tell you?”

>”No! He didn’t! Why didn’t he tell me! WHY!?”

“Maybe it slipped his mind? What’s wrong?”

>”What’s wrong? WHAT’S WRONG?” She’s pretty much screaming at you now.

>Anon, shall we initate escape plan Beta Alpha Charlie Six?

>Not yet, brain. Let’s see this through.

 

>The mare glares furiously at you. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe THIS?”

>She rapidly turns around, flashing you. Well, that’s another thing for the list of ‘Things Mankind Should Never See.’

“Pinkie, is there a reason you’re showing me your... pink?”

>”I’m in HEAT, Anon! All of Ponyville is! And now Ditto is gone!” She collapses onto the ground, anger turning to sorrow.

>She’s in heat? But... no, hold the fucking phone! What?

“But, Pinkie, Estrus is supposed to start in a week and a half. Trust me when I say I know this shit.”

>She gets up, turning around. “Well, that’s how it is! I need help! We all do!”

“So... um, clop? That’s what you guys call it, right?”

>”That isn’t good enough! I need superior stimulation!” Her eyes wander to your hands.

“No, Pinkie, don’t even ask that. Look, why don’t you... I don’t know, throw a party or something. It’ll keep your mind off of things.”

>She ponders this for a while, with you nervously watching. No sudden movements, Anon. Don’t want to get pounced.

>”There’s wisdom in those words. Hmmmm... HMMMM... Yes, that could work... AHA!”

“Throwing a party, then? Well, please leave me out of it.”

>She shakes her head. “Not a party! You’ll see.” She bounces closer to you, so you back away.

 

>She doesn’t seem to be getting the hint, and quickly catches up to you, bouncing once more right in front of you...

>...only to pull you into a friendly, platonic hug. Phew.

>”Thanks, Anon! Now, I have to get busy! See ya later!”

>Before you can even respond, she’s gone, off to do her Pinkie things. Shit man.

“I think I need a drink...”

>You close up your door, and then head to the kitchen. You almost regret no longer keeping any alcohol around.

>However, it then occurs to you that you’re low on a fuckload of stuff. Not even milk? Jeez.

>Throwing on a jacket, you snatch up some cash and head out.

>Through your time here in Equestria, you’ve learned a great deal about pony mating habits, willingly or not.

>It will get worse as time progresses, so now, on the first day, is the optimal time to get supplies.

>You can just lock yourself up at home until Chrys gets back afterward.

>Using optimal vectors and fancy mathematics, you plot out the fastest possible course to the market, only to find most of the stores are closed.

>Well, fuck. Better hurry it up then.

>Bread... check. Eggs... check. Flour... check. Milk... check.

>You grab a few other plot irrelevant items and head out. So far so good.

 

>But, alas, things can only go so well.

>On your way back you ran into Lyra and her consort, Bonbon, destroyer of worlds.

>”ANON! HI!” the green mare declares, much louder than necessary.

“...Hello Lyra. What’s up?

>”Oh, you know. Heat. Hands. Can I see your hands again?”

“Bit busy holding stuff. Stuff that needs to go home. How about we do this later?”

>”Do... this? Oh! Yes! See, Bonnie? I knew he’d agree!”

>She facehoofs. “You didn’t even ask him anything yet, Lyra.”

>The maybe archaeologist, maybe musician, blushes. “Oh. Right.”

“Don’t ask, because I won’t. Seriously, I don’t want my hands anywhere near there.”

>The green pony seems to deflate at this. “Oh...” Ugh... fucking hormones.

>She gives you one of those puppy dog looks. Since she’s not Apple Bloom, it’s not really effective.

>”What about your feet? You don’t use those for anything but walking, so...”

>You smile widely. [spoiler][/spoiler]“Haha! You’re fucking hilarious.”

>She looks up at you hopefully. Your expression hardens.

“You realize I’m being sarcastic, right? Seriously, please go. That shit’s disgusting, and you should feel bad.”

>She begins to get all teary eyed on you. Too fucking bad.

>As you walk off, you mention this brilliant idea. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Why don’t you just fuck your girlfriend? Sheesh.”

 

>You safely make your way home, having no other encounters.

>That’s not to say there aren’t mares staring you down. Since when has Ponyville been so big on you?

>Applejack? Sure. Fluttershy? Of course. Rainbow and Derpy? Well, them too.

>Even Lyra had tried a few things occasionally, but never so blatant. Never so explicit.

>And definitely never with Bonbon’s approval. Something is up, and you don’t like it.

>There’s thus, only one course of action. Activate the Anon Bunker!

>You begin to lock up your home, installing all the heavy duty defences and making sure no stallion, mare or foal would be able to enter your home without your consent.

>Everything was going according to plan. Your windows were pretty much all sealed shut and your door reinforced with numerous fancy gadgets.

>All that was left to lock up the last two windows in your room. Of course, nothing is ever that easy.

>Locking up one put the other in a blind spot. When you turned to it, a familiar pony was hovering outside it.

>You open the window up, letting Rainbow Dash in.

“Hey, Dash. What’s up?”

>She smiles nervously at you, flapping to your bed and lying down on it, belly up.

>”Not much, you?”

“Well, I heard all of Ponyville is apparently going into heat early. That must be terrible for you.”

 

>The mare blinks, blushing slightly as you lock up the final window.

>She sits up, watching you intently. Finished, you turn to her.

>”Nah, I’ve got ways to... deal with it.” She nervously smiles at you. Yeah, no.

“Rainbow, is there something you’d like to ask me?”

>”Well... I was thinking; why don’t, just for the estrus, we be friends... with benefits?”

“How about we not do that?”

>She frowns at you. “Hrm, come on, just once? You owe me!”

“Rainbow, drop it. Chrysalis will rip your heart out personally if she found out about this. And probably mine too. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

>She sighs. “Yeah, I suppose that’s true. Well, it was worth a shot.”

“I suppose. But that still wasn’t cool. I’m officially revoking one of your ‘ask a bro for help’ tickets. Sorry.”

>”What?”

“Never mind. How’s some food sound? I’ve got leftover pasta from last night.”

>”Ooh, spaghetti?” You raise an eyebrow at her.

“Er, no. Linguine. I don’t like spaghetti.”

>The mare gapes incredulously. “Seriously? You don’t like spaghetti? What the hell, Anon.”

“Let me guess. You love spaghetti?”

>”Well, sure, though it’s not my favourite food. You wouldn’t know about it, though, so I won’t bother.”

>You head downstairs with your bro. Pasta awaits!

 

>The pasta was quite nice. After all, you made it. With help.

>Rainbro, despite loving her spaghetti, still enjoys herself. She seems a bit calmer now. Like other mares you’ve seen, she was all shaky when she came in.

>Perhaps from excitement. Perhaps from nervousness. Perhaps a bit of both.

>Too bad though. You have a marefriend, and her name does not start with a Rainbow Dash.

>”Anon?”

“Rainbow?”

>”Sorry about... before. You know how we get when... this stuff comes along.”

“Yeah. I know. I’m taking everything you say with a grain of salt.”

>She nods. “Well, don’t worry. I’m going to be right here to make sure you’re safe. Alright?”

>You smile gratefully at her. She smiles back.

“Alright.”

>Some time later, Derpy came back home. Dinky was out playing with her friends, but you doubt she’ll stay out long. Surely by now she knows what’s going on.

>That’s when your doorbell rang out for the second time that day.

>Groaning, you peel yourself off your chair and answer. Why do you get the feeling its...

>”Hi, Anon! Thanks again for the idea this morning! I’m super duper excited!”

>Why does this stuff even surprise you anymore?

 

“Pinkie, what are you talking about?”

>”Yeah, explain yourself.”

>You blink, turning to Rainbow Dash. Oh right. Protection. Good Dashie.

>”Well, this morning you said I should find something to distract everyp0ny from... our problem. And I have just the thing!”

>She grins widely at you. It’s a bit unnerving.

“...Why do I feel like I’m involved in this?”

>”Oh, well, you kind of are. But only a little role, no worries!”

“Well? What’s your ingenius plan?”

>”Duh! We put on a play!”

>Silence. Pure silence fills the air between you, the pink party pony and the rainbow mare.

>Then laughter. Pure, joyful laughter. You can’t help it. Her idea is just so ridiculous.

>”Hey! I’m serious! I’ve even got ponies to play the parts!”

“Really? Damn, Pinkie, ha... You’re really gonna put on a play?”

>”Yep! And you’ve got to help me!” You frown.

>Rainbow mirrors your expression. “He’s got to, or are you asking him to? I’m not going to let you force Anon into anything, Pinkie.”

>She giggles. “Oh, Rainbow, you’re so silly. It’s not like you could stop me.”

>That does not sit well with you. You take a few steps away from her.

>”What? No, I was only joking! You’re not my type anyway.”

 

“Really? I’m surprised. Most of Ponyville thinks that I’m their type.”

>She shrugs. “I’ve got a changeling... who is really dumb and going to be in a world of hurt when he gets home.”

“Hrm. Is he really that good, then? Jeez.”

>She gives you a sly smile. “Once you go black, Anon, you’ll never go back. Trust me.”

>You can’t even respond to that one. You just hold up a finger, mouth wide.

>Rainbow, of course, doesn’t quite get it. “Um... anyway, Pinks, what does Anon need to do?”

>”Weeeell, since he gave me the idea, he just needs to drop by every day and help me manage my actors. Okay, Anon?”

“Every day?”

>”Every day! Pinkie Promise you will, okay?”

“Uh... I don’t know abou—“

>”DO IT!” she screeches at you. Derpy quickly gallops into the hallway, wonder what the hell is going on. Rainbow is actually pushed back a few inches from her volume.

>Ears ringing, you quickly recite the Pinkie Promise chant. The pink pony smiles gratefully at you.

>”Thanks so much, Anon! See you tomorrow!”

>And with that she bounces away. Sweet mother of god. What in the fuck?

>Rainbow sighs. “Anon, was that a good idea?”

“No. But it’s too late now. Come, let’s make some spaghetti. I think I’ll need it...”

 

-Meanwhile, deep underground-

>Queen Chrysalis was having a troublesome time getting to her destination, Alpha Hive.

>Everything had been going great at first. But only at first.

>Once they passed through Epsilon Hive and picked up the ever annoying Permanence, everything went downhill.

>First their carts wheels broke down. They luckily had spares.

>Next, heavy construction forced them to take a detour path. Now instead of going straight to Alpha Hive, they’d have to cut through another just to make it. They’d probably be late, too.

>”Come now, Chrysalis, things will be fine. I doubt any other issues will come our way.”

>”Permanence, your name should be Badluck Charm. Everywhere you go, disaster strikes.”

>The, indeed unlucky, changeling gawks at this. “What? No! Of course not!”

>Ditto shakes his head. “No, it’s quite true. Epsilon’s economy pretty much stalled as soon as set hoof inside.” The commander gets a glare for his troubles.

>Chrysalis gazes off down the glowing road of stone. “Hm... I wonder what Anonymous is up to.”

>Permanence shrugs. “Probably something stupid. He is an ape, after all.”

>Chrysalis, sadly, can’t help but agree. As far as she knew, Anonymous couldn’t do anything right.

 

-In Ponyville-

>It was the second day of the horrible estrus cycle.

>And by horrible, you really meant it. The last time one occurred, you could often smell... mares, everywhere outside.

>Now one of them lived with you.

>Even though normally your room wouldn’t smell at all, thanks to lockdown and the fact the door is closed, Rainbow Dash’s intrusion left its mark. Fuck.

>No matter. You can’t let a little pheromone get you down. They don’t actually affect you anyway.

>You rise from your rainbow smelling bed, and get dressed up in your usual clothes. You also throw on your lovely monocle.

>If you’re going to be helping with some play, you may as well do it in style.

>You head over to the bathroom, quickly cleaning up before heading downstairs.

>Derpy is already awake. From the smell of it, she’s been baking.

>You turn the corner into your kitchen. Is that banana nut you smell? You can’t help but smile.

>However, your smile disappears once you arrive. What the hell?

>Muffins. Muffins everywhere. Maybe four or five dozen of them, all sitting about on your table or counter.

“Derpy? What’s going on in here?”

>The mare jumps slightly, barely hanging onto the bag of flour she’s holding.

 

>”Oh! G-Good morning, Anon! Just making some muffins! Everyp0ny loves muffins!”

“Yes, sure. But why are there so many? There’s three, maybe four with Rainbow, people here. How are we supposed to eat all these?”

>”W-We can save them!” She smiles nervously at you.

>You sigh, walking toward her. You pulled the flower from her slightly shaking hooves and put it away.

>You turn back to her, only to see she’s on the other side of the kitchen, quite far away.

>Why would she...? Oh. Ah. She’s in heat, of course. Which means these muffins are but a distraction.

“Derpy, look, you just... relax or something. I need to go check up on Pinkie. We can do something entertaining later, alright?”

>”S-Something entertaining? Like?”

“I’ll think of something.”

>You head out, leaving the kitchen, only to be stopped by a small gray filly.

“Oh, good morning, Dinky. Shouldn’t you be going to school?”

>”Well... can you take me?”

“...Why do you need me to take you?”

>”Pleeease?” She gives you a puppy dog look. Damnit, she’s probably learned from Apple Bloom’s example...

“Fine, fine. I still don’t see why you need me to take you, though.”

 

>You found out pretty quickly.

>Ponyville, now fully in its lovely estrus, is actually a pretty scary place. It makes you wonder what a place like Manehattan must be like right now.

>You kept Dinky in your arms, figuring you’d just carry her there. She seems to be enjoying the high vantage point.

>She also proves useful as a deterrent for most of the mares in town. Of course, there’s still the ‘getting back home’ problem.

>No matter. You’ll deal with it when it comes. For now, school.

“You know, Dinky, you’re getting pretty heavy.”

>”It just means I’m growing up!”

“Yeah, well, not too fast okay? I don’t think Ponyville can survive a fourth Cutie Mark Crusader.”

>”Why would I become one of those? Their methods will never work!”

“Really, then? Are you going to form your own secret society then?”

>”I can’t tell you that.” You smile.

“Really? Why not?”

>”Then it won’t be a secret, duh!” You laugh.

>Good old kids. They always brighten up your day.

>Hey, look! There’s the school. You’re in the clear!

 

>Arriving, you quickly carry Dinky over to the door, knocking politely before entering.

>You drop Dinky down onto the floor. However, there’s a problem.

>Besides Cheerilee, no one is actually here. Uh...

>”Oh! Dinky! Anon! Didn’t you get the message?”

“What message?”

>”School is out for the rest of the week, due to... well, I’m sure you know.”

>Ah. You nod, trying to scoop up the gray filly. Unfortunately, she’s proving much more slippery as you thought, and rushes over to her teacher, saddlebag in mouth.

>Cheerilee gives her a friendly smile, as she does with all her students.  Dinky reaches into the bag, pulling out a number of sheets, which she presents to her teacher.

>”I did all my homework, Ms. Cheerilee!”

>She takes the sheets, placing them onto her desk. “I’m glad. Thank you, Dinky. Anyhow, you should run along. I’m sure you’ve got lots of things to do over the break!”

>The filly falters. “Well... not really.”

“I’m sure I can come up with something. Come on, Dinky, let’s leave Ms. Cheerilee. I’m sure she has grading to do.”

>Among other things, if the room’s smell is any indictation...

>The filly nods, trotting over to you. You snatch her up, wave to the teacher, and head out.

 

>You get maybe ten steps out of the schoolhouse before a multicoloured blur lands before you.

“Rainbow Dash?”

>”Ah! There you are! What are you doing outside?”

>”We were going to school, but it’s closed.” Rainbow blinks, just noticing the filly in your arms.

>”Oh, Dinky! Hi.”

“We’re probably going to go home. There’s nothing really out here for us to do.”

>”True, true. Well, I’m sticking close. Don’t want anything happening to you, after all.”

“I’m sure Dinky and I can handle most issues, but if you insist...”

>She does, hovering a few feet behind and above you at all times, keeping her eyes peeled for any danger that might be lurking inside of a bush.

>It proves ultimately redundant, as you make it pretty much all the way home without incident.

>Well, Lyra tried to convince you again, but Rainbow scared her off but good. Otherwise though, no incident.

>That’s when you found Spike sitting on your porch, looking extremely bored.

“Spike?”

>He looks up at you, smiling. “Anon! Hey! Uh, Twilight needs your help with something.”

“My help? And what is this ‘something?’”

>Twilight generally didn’t show any interest in you, but you wouldn’t take any chances.

>With all the magic she has at her disposal, things could be nasty very quickly.

 

>”She didn’t say. Something about a new spell Boreale is trying to teach her. She thinks you can help, since you’re the changeling guy.”

“The changeling guy? Is that what I am now?”

>Rainbow chuckles at your silly title. You shrug.

“I guess it could be worse...”

>You kneel down, putting the gray filly onto solid ground. She smiles at you before scurrying off.

>Rainbow sighs. “I’m guessing we’re going to go visit Twilgiht?”

“Yeah, I guess we are. You have a problem with Twilight?”

>”Anon, have you ever seen her in heat?” You pause, thinking this over for a minute or so.

“No, actually, I don’t think I have. How bad is she?”

>Spike shudders. “You’ll see.”

>You saw, alright. Sweet mother of god, what happened to the library?

>There were probably more books on the ground than there were on the shelves.

“Studying binge?”

>Spike nods. Cautiously, you take a few steps into the structure. You soon hear some muffled noises from above, though you aren’t sure what.

>Then, a bright flash of light blinds you. Yelling out, you shield yourself, backing away. You can hear Rainbow sprinting to your side.

 

>Your vision quickly returns. You almost wished it hadn’t.

>In front of you is Twilight Sparkle, and, from the the looks of it, a slightly singed Boreale.

>Twilight’s hair is an absolute mess, both in her mane and her tail. There are visible bags under her eyes, likely from sleep deprivation or stress.

>But the worst part is that grin she’s giving you. Where have you seen that before?

>Oh yes. When she enchanted that weird doll of hers last year or so. Yeah...

>”HI, ANON! I’m GLAD you could MAKE IT!”

“...Twilight, are you alright?”

>”Of COURSE!” No, she’s definitely not alright. She wouldn’t be shaking if she were.

>Rainbow takes a few steps closer, placing herself between you and the librarian.

>”Uh, Twilight? What’s going on in here?”

>She directs her gaze to Rainbow. “Oh, well, BOREALE and I are working on a SPELL to get rid of pony ESTRUS! Isn’t that NICE of us?”

“Um, sure. How’s that working out.”

>Boreale sighs. “It’s not. The spell is designed for changeling use. It has... reversed effects on ponies like Twilight.”

>Reversed effects? They better not start throwing that shit around...

>Twilight continues. ”A temporary setback! But with YOUR HELP, I’m sure we can make a new version for little ponies like ME!” She giggles madly. Uh...

 

“How exactly can I help, though? I have no magic, and I’m not a changeling.”

>”Don’t WORRY! We can do it! COME!”

>Before you can even respond, you’re blinded once again by a flash of light.

>Your vision returns much sooner, but now you’re in a different room. A lab, to be exact.

>”You spend LOTS of time near changelings, ANON! I’m going to just run a few tests and then we’ll be A-OK! ALRIGHT?”

“Um, not real—“

>”GREAT!”

>The mare begins turning on all sorts of devices, but Rainbow smashing open the cellar door (with Boreale as the battering ram) ended her science quite quickly.

>Twilight was not happy about this, but that’s what she gets. Eventually she just snatched a hair for whatever reason and left you to your own devices.

>That’s when you had an absolutely brilliant idea. You turn to the changeling across the room.

“Hey, Boreale, think you could do me a favour?”

>”Perhaps. What do you need?”

“Send Chrys a letter, and tell her that Ponyville is in heat. She’ll definitely want to come back soon if she knows about this. Think you can handle that?”

>”Very well, Anonymous. It will be so.”

 

>And is was indeed so. As soon as you got home, he got to work, writing up a letter for the queen.

>That left you numerous hours to kill before the day was done.

>Eventually, you decide to head over to Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie will get antsy if you just sit here all day.

>And an antsy Pinkie is not your friend. Or well, not the kind you want.

>Either way, it’d even prove to be an effective distraction for Derpy and Rainbow, who both accompanied you there. Boreale could even watch Dinky. Everyone wins!

>Arriving, you politely knock on the closed door before trying to open it. However, it’s locked.

>Rainbow sighs. “Why would she lock the door if there’s supposed to be a rehearsal?”

“It’s probably the Cakes who have locked things up. Guess we’ll—“

>”ANON! HI!”

>You turn back to the door, Pinkie standing happily in the entrance.

“Never mind. Hello, Pinkie. How are you?”

>”I’m super! Thanks for coming! Come on, everyp0ny is right downstairs!”

>Downstairs? You share a look with your companions, before following her down into the cellar.

>The place looked quite creepy. It could easily be the site of a series of brutal murders. If they ever film a horror movie in Ponyville, you’ll be sure to suggest this place.

 

>Luckily, no such murders actually occurred, and you quickly found yourself in a room with about a dozen ponies rehearsing lines and scenes.

>All mares, of course. No, wait. Caramel?

>”Everyp0ny! Your attention please!”

>You sigh. Well, there goes laying low...

>”This is Anon! He’s here to help! So ask him anything! Alright? Great!” She bounces off.

>Shockingly enough, most of the mares here don’t immediately rush over to flood you with sexual inquiries or worse. In fact, only Caramel and... some blue mare, actually come over.

>You meet them halfway, Rainbow always right behind. Derpy keeps a bit further back, but still watches intently.

“Hey, Caramel. What are you doing here?”

>”I’m the general.” You and your companions all blink.

“I’m sorry, what?”

>He smiles sheepishly. “Oh, uh, that’s my part. In the play. I’m the general.”

>Rainbow rolls her eyes. “He means why you’re down here. You’re the only stallion amongst a dozen other mares. What’s up with that?”

>”Uh, well, they need a general. So I’m helping.”

 

>Rainbow persists. “Yeah, and that’s great, but aren’t you just a little worried? Haven’t the girls been flirting with you?”

>”Actually, no. They mostly talk about you, Anon.”

“They’re talking about me? Why would they be talking about me?”

>The blue mare blushes bright red, before trotting off to continue her rehearsals. Hrm...

>”No idea. But, that’s just how it’s going. Otherwise, everything has been great.” He smiles.

“Well, that’s good then. Guess I’ll just let you get to it.”

>The rest of the day passed more or less quietly, with you occasionally be asked for some help with certain simple things.

>For the most part the mares kept their distance from you, not that it didn’t stop them from stealing glances on occasion. Jeez.

>You get the feeling Applejack is up to something. She’s been absent pretty much constantly.

>Sure, before her... personality changes, you’ve heard she’d just work damn hard through any estrus that came her way. But now...

>Well, you’ll keep your eyes peeled. And so will Rainbow and Derpy.

>With the two of them on your side, you’re certain you can handle most problems.

>Maybe.

 

>The next day starts off much like the last.

>You get up, get dressed, get cleaned up, complain about the smell of marehood in the morning and go to the kitchen.

>Derpy isn’t making a trillion billion muffins today, which is good.

>After how many you ate yesterday, you really think you’ll be done with muffins for awhile.

>So, instead you grab a pear and sit in your chair. You don’t even notice Boreale sitting in Rainbow’s spot of the couch.

“Oh, morning. Couldn’t sleep?”

>”A change marine never sleeps.”

“Is that so? That must make it hard to fight the glorious battles of the empire, though.”

>”Of course not. We live only for battle!”

“You’re a pretty good babysitter, though. Are you sure that isn’t your special talent?”

>”Is there a reason behind this conversation?”

“Not particularly. Just filler, really, until the unseen gods come up with something more interesting for us to do. You probably know what that’s like.”

>The warrior blinks. “Uh... right. Of course.”

>You turn on your television, tuning it to the sports channel. Reruns. So many reruns.

>Not even the poker games are new. Fucking hell, estrus.

 

>Derpy joins your group a bit later.

>She explains that Dinky is playing with some toys in her room; you don’t press the issue.

>Why would you? Dinky’s just a filly.

>She sits down on the couch, to your almost surprise.

“How are you holding up?”

>”Okay, I guess. It’s hard not just... caving in.”

“You know, I won’t think less of you if you just go downstairs and clop for a bit. These things happen.”

>She blushes. “No! I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be polite.”

“...I just said it’s fine.”

>”No, I mean, for Ditto. He’ll smell it when he gets home. What would he think?”

“That somep0ny was masturbating in the basement, which is true.”

>She pauses, twiddling her fore hooves for a bit.

>”Are you sure he won’t mind?”

>Boreale sighs. “The commander has dealt with much worse. He will not mind. Go, do what you must.”

>She slowly gets up, not taking her eyes off of you.

>“Um... well, alright. See you guys in a bit.”

”And, if you can, try not to scream my name or something extremely embarrassing like that.”

>She flushes a bright red before quickly disappearing into the basement.

>Boreale frowns at you. “Was that really necessary?”

“No, I guess not. But I figured I’d at least try.”

 

>Your efforts were mostly in vain. While you couldn’t make out any words, the mare did get pretty loud at times.

>Dinky had even come over to ask what the noise was. You wisely shooed her away.

>You eventually decide to just turn up the TV. It actually works quite well. The more you know!

>A few shows later, a very red Derpy walks back into the room.

>”Um, I’m going to have a shower.”

“Alright. Have fun.”

>Your eyes keep to the TV as she rushes upstairs. Boreale’s do not.

“...How bad is it?”

>”How bad is what?”

“Shall I get the mop?”

>Boreale rolls his eyes. “I’m not doing this today.”

“I’ll go get the mop, then.”

>It turns out that you didn’t actually need the mop. Oh well, better safe than sorry.

>Another show passes before Derpy joins your group, again taking a seat on the couch.

“Feeling any better?”

>”Uh... yes. Much better. It’s a wonder more mares don’t just do this...”

“Yeah, actually it is. Is there there some new stigma against clopping?”

>”Er... Maybe. I think I heard a thing about a really fancy noble denouncing it awhile ago.”

>A fancy noble? Blueblood, perhaps? God help him if that’s so. This shit is annoying.

 

>A bit later, Rainbow Dash arrived. You quickly ushered her inside.

>She’s pretty chill, sitting on the couch beside Derpy. Boreale keeps his distance.

>Things are otherwise going well. No sign of Applejack at all. Things are looking good.

>But, it wouldn’t last.

>Within maybe ten minutes, your house was surrounded by what was probably half of Ponyville’s mares. Every window had at least a few.

>Rainbow and Derpy both aided in closing up the blinds. Why are these mares watching you anyway?

>You’re about to cut off a light orange mare’s view when an idea comes to you. Well, you may as well find out. You open the window, just slightly.

“Hello? Can I help you?”

>The mare blinks. Hm. Golden Harvest, right? “Oh, hello!”

“Why are you all floating around my house? Don’t you have other things to do with your time?”

>”O-Oh, well, you see, Applejack said that you’re apparently open to uh... pleasing mares. She also says you’re really, really good!”

“I have a marefriend. Go home, clop for an hour, and then maybe we can hang out. Otherwise, please go.”

>You pause, thinking your words over for a second. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Actually, on second thought, replace that last one with ‘have a shower.’”

>She frowns. “Applejack said you’d say that. That you’re just being modest.”

 

“I’m not being modest. I can make Chrysalis squeal like a pig in ten seconds. But that’s the thing. That’s what I do with Chrysalis, not random acquaintances. Please, go home.”

>Her eyes go wide at your claims. You can hear Boreale groan from behind you.

>”Y-You can make Chrysalis squeal? Really? Oh... Oh my. And she’s Chrysalis...”

>She gazes off, likely imagining the things you could do to a ‘mare like her.’ Fuck.

>A few others begin to pile up around her. “Oh! Anon! Do me! Do me!”

“Where do you mares even hear this bullshit anyway? No wait, let me guess. Flitter?”

>A few nods. “I heard that you’ve been having threesomes with Derpy and Rainbow! Is this true?”

>”Oh my gosh! But how can he do that? He’s only got one thing!”

>Lyra, who had somehow arrived unnoticed, declared, “With his hands! Those things are magic! I heard so from a princess!”

>Oh god fucking damnit Nympha...

“That’s not true. Well, not that... never mind! Get off my damn lawn!”

>A few more excited squeals. You can hear Derpy gasp behind you.

>You try closing the window, only for the combined might of some twenty unicorns holding it open.

>Damnit, is every single one of them here now?

“Boreale? A bit of help?”

>”Change marines do not have sex.” No you idiot, not with that!

 

>Derpy flies over, lending you a pair of hoofs as you try to get the window closed.

>A mare yells out, “Hey! She’s not shaky! Anon’s lying to us girls!”

>Some angry cries. Luckily, this breaks the concentration of the unicorns enough to get the window closed and locked.

>The siege of Anon’s House had begun. Hopefully they’ll get tired and go home soon.

>You turn back into your house, dragging yourself over to the chair. You pretty much fall into it.

“I fucking hate my life.”

>A young voice questions this. “But, Anon, you have lots of friends!”

“I still fucking hate my life.”

>”Also, can you stop swearing? It’s so immature.”

>You turn to the newcomer. Oh. It’s Dinky.

“Sorry. Won’t happen again.”

>She trots over, hopping into your lap. “Yes it will. And I’ll be here to yell about it!”

>Derpy just laughs nervously. That’s her girl, alright. Hrm.

>That still leaves the question of how you’re going to get out of here and go to Sugarcube Corner later today. Walking into that blockade would end in disaster.

>You also couldn’t just fly. Derpy and Rainbow carrying you works, sure, but they might get intercepted and potentially drop you. Going splat is not your fetish.

>You’ll just have to explain to Pinkie tomorrow what happened. She’ll understand.

 

>Hours later, you notice a group of mares leave the others. Perhaps they’ve given up?

>Not that you’re complaining. You’ve been holed up in here all day.

>Sure, Rainbow has lots of jokes to tell about things she never did, and Derpy is Derpy, but you can only hear so much.

>Sometimes you just want to go do something.

>Sadly, going outside would just result in you doing someone. That was unacceptable.

>You yawn, bored as all hell. It’s not evening, and Dinky has fallen asleep in your lap.

>You find yourself unconsciously rubbing a hand through your coat. Sure is soft.

>That’s when you hear a thud.

>A very loud thud. You turn to Rainbow Dash, who then zooms over to the window.

>She gasps in horror. “Oh FUCK! Anon, we have to get out of he—“

>And then an explosion rang out. You turn to the doorway, seeing the remnants of some streamers fluttering to the ground.

>Dinky at this point is wide awake. You quickly take her into your arms, standing up.

>”All mares! Chaaarge!”

>...Applejack. You grit your teeth. Well, looks like Pinkie’s cannon just fucked your shit.

“Boreale, as future Changeling King, I demand you go deal with them!”

>”What? Since when have you been penned to be th—?”

“Shut up and do it! Everyone, to the bat cave!”

 

>Boreale blinks, before standing at attention. He charges into the hallway.

>You can see a mob of mares quickly overwhelm him as you flee to the basement.

>Fucking change marines. Useless against anything that can aim.

>Derpy is at this point in full panic mode. “Anon, what do we do?”

>You’re not really sure anymore. This shit does not happen. You do your best to calm Dinky, who is silently shivering in your arms.

“Dunno. How’s the Hive sound? We could uh, chill there, I guess.”

>Rainbow frowns. “Epsilon Hive, right? Well, I guess we can do that. I haven’t been yet, so may as well.”

>You nod and retreat into the tunnel. You make good progress, reaching that outpost within the hour.

>The chief officers greets you. “Greetings, Anonymous. Fear not, Boreale’s message will reach her early tomorrow, if not tonight.”

“That’s great. Just great. Secure this tunnel? Mares in heat blew down my door and are after my dick.”

>”...I’m sorry, what?”

“Applejack and Flitter have convinced Ponyville that hot monkey dick is the world’s greatest thing. It’s not. Keep them out of my hair, yes? We’re going to Epsilon.”

>”Er... Sorry, sir, you can’t go to Epsilon Hive.”

“Why not?”

>”A massive colony of terror ants are currently ripping apart the tunnels between here and there. However, an escort to another exit can be arranged, if you’d prefer.”

“You’re telling me a bunch of ants are stopping me from going to Epsilon? Haha, okay bro.”

 

>It turned out that these ants meant fucking business. Holy fucking shit.

>They were as big as the changelings themselves. Good thing they had change marines...

>You could swear you saw Eliphas leading troops into battle too. Safe to say, you went with the escort.

>It took another two hours, but you eventually did find a way out.

“Thanks again for the lift, Rover. You’re cool in my books.”

>”Whatever, don’t mention it. I know exactly how you feel.”

“Really? You have a massive horde of dogs after you every time a heat rolls into town?”

>”Of course! What do you take me for? Some filthy virgin mutt?”

“...Never mind. Good night, Rover.”

>The diamond dog storms off in a huff. Hm...

>Derpy comes over to you, taking her daughter. Luckily, she’s asleep again. “So, where to?”

“Dunno. We could just camp out here, probably. Or try Fluttershy’s. She’s probably still up.”

>Rainbow frowns. “Why would Fluttershy still be up? It’s late.”

“Rainbow, it’s like nine. She’s up. I’m certain of it.”

>”Alright, Anon. If you say so. Or, we could go to my house.”

“I’m not really in the mood for skydiving. Maybe next time.”

>She rolls her eyes, but follows you down the dark trail that leads to Fluttershy’s home.

 

>She was, indeed, still awake.

>She also slammed the door in Rainbow and Derpy’s face right after pulling you inside.

>”Ohmygosh! Anon! I knew you’d come for me! I’ve got um, lots of stuff we can tr—“

“Yeah, Fluttershy, calm down. I’m not going through the Kama Sutra with you, or anyone for that matter. Now, you left my friends outside?”

>She blinks. “You want to have a foursome? But what if we wake up Dinky? She might think things.”

“No, I don’t want to... Will you just open the door?”

>You have no patience for this shit anymore. You’ve been at this all day.

>”Oh... Okay.”

>She turns around, heading over to the door. Slowly. While shaking her behind a bit.

>You groan, facepalming. There’s just no end...

>Perhaps you should have just moved to that country full of Snake things. At least they don’t go into heat.

>The rest of the night went swimmingly, shockingly enough. Derpy herself took the spare room’s bed, while Fluttershy insisted you take hers.

>You regretted it immediately, but it was too late to really complain.

>And so, with some effort to avoid the wet spots, you fell asleep in Fluttershy’s smelly bed.

>You just remember your universal mantra: It could have been worse.

>And damn, could it ever have.

 

-Deep Underground-

>Chrysalis was bored. So painfully, universally bored.

>She had finally arrived at her hometown, Alpha Hive, eternal capital of the changeling swarm.

>Instead of getting any time to relax, she immediately got dragged over to the palace to begin this year’s long and tiresome political status report.

>What did that entail, one who was not enlightened to this would ask?

>More or less, every Hive leader ranted on for an hour about their problems and the others suggested solutions to these problems.

>Chrysalis pretty much only had to approve each one. But every issue seemed the same.

>Oh boo hoo. My economy isn’t that great! I have too much iron! Where are my change marines?

>Luckily, a message arrived, which gave her something new to do.

>Even better! The message is for her! She smiles to herself, almost giddy. Gasp!

>It’s even from Anonymous! Or well, from Boreale, about Anonymous.

>Her mother, who was at that point glaring daggers into her, would just have to deal with it. Anon wouldn’t mail unless it was urgent. She quickly read through the letter, face contorting into an expression of absolute horror. Fuck!

>Damn right it was urgent. But she was stuck here. She couldn’t even explain the problem.

>It might just be the worst possible thing.