Anon and Chrysalis Ch 30 - Act 2

The Marvellous Mishaps of Anon and Chrysalis

Chapter 30: Because you still owe me that TV, Chrysalis

Act 2: For the Greater Good of Tau Hive

 

>It’s midday when you arrive back in Ponyville from your little adventure in Canterlot.

>Everything has been going great. As far as you could tell, not a soul in Canterlot had suspicions that it was you who stole the crown.

>Though your little pony friends did ask what happened to Fluttershy. She didn’t make it to the train in time.

>You assured them that she’d probably be on the next one. None of them really pressed the issue.

>Confident, you give Chrysalis a smile before walking off the train.

>You'll send off the crown when you get a moment. Right now you're pretty sure Chrys has other plans.

>Besides, it’s not like anyone is going to rat you out or anything.

-

>In Canterlot, Princess Celestia is not having the greatest of mornings.

>Her routine went much the same, at least initially. She got up, rose the sun and so on. Sure, Fluttershy apparently spending the night with her was new, but that didn’t particularly cause much trouble.

>Things got a bit more complicated when the pretty pony princess found out that her hat was missing.

>Shaking her head, the mare groans. She probably shouldn’t have kicked out Fluttershy so quickly.

>While Celestia doubted such a kind pony would actually take such an important object, she probably could have pointed her in the right direction.

>Oh well. It’s not like she doesn’t have extras.

>The mare looks into her full length mirror, glancing self consciously at where her crown would usually sit. She finds it just a bit uncomfortable.

>The mare clenches her eyes shut, putting on her usual passive smile.

>Leaving the room, she takes a few turns and walks down a few flights of stairs, eventually arriving in the castle’s lower levels.

>A few hallways later, she finds herself in a fairly spacious room, a big, metal safe across from her.

>Celestia blinks in surprise. “Hm? Luna? What are you doing up?”

>The other princess glances over to her briefly before returning her gaze to the safe, inspecting it. “Oh, you know. Night things.”

>”It’s almost 10 am, sister. You should get some rest.”

>The princess shrugs. “There was a... disturbance last night. I believe the ancient apocalyptic artefact vault was the target.”

>Celestia blinks, glancing about the room. There aren’t really any signs of a scuffle in the room.

>”But Luna, that vault is on the next floor.”

>The night princess is surprised to hear that. “What? But the ancient apocalyptic artefact vault has always been on this floor!”

>The solar princess shakes her head. “It used to be. But we had to renovate a few hundred years ago. You wouldn’t believe how much water damage there was.”

>Luna looks at her, incredulous. “...Right.”

>Celestia walks over to the larger vault, her horn faintly glowing, lighting up her face in the fairly dim room.

>Luna forces a frown, “Sister, where is your crown?” She does a rather good job at being surprised.

>”I seem to have misplaced it. I’m sure whoever found it will return it eventually. But in the meantime...”

>Standing before the vault, the mare lightly taps her horn upon it, the magic causing its large wheel to spin about in various directions.

>Celestia steps back and the door slowly opens. “This vault is actually my regalia vault. I keep spares of all of my various jewelry, in the event I misplace part of my uniform.”

>Luna raises an eyebrow. “...How many copies do you have?”

>Celestia smiles, blushing a tad. “A hundred or so. I may have gone a bit overboard, I’ll admit. But better safe than sorry.”

>The door continues to open up, quite slowly. Peering her head inside, the night princess notices numerous lasers blocking her entry.

>”Sister, just how often did thieves steal your jewelry when I was away?”

>Celestia looks away. “Maybe once or twice. Better safe than sorry.”

>Luna rolls her eyes. “You’ve said that already.”

>The sun princess sighs, and with a flick of her neck, magically deactivates the laser defences. “We can discuss my... peculiar obsession with protecting my regalia later. Now, where’d I put the crowns...?”

>The elder mare takes a few steps into the vault, its internal walls lined with all manner of necklaces.

>Most share their appearance with the one around their owner’s neck, though a few have different coloured jewels.

>Luna glances down at her much smaller necklace, which simply has a white moon carved into it.

>Celestia made a note to keep her spending down to make up for the shopping spree Luna would undoubtedly be going on in the coming weeks.

>Making a left, the mare steps into a smaller room, which held all of her crowns.

>Or at least, it was supposed to. Hearing her sibling screech in horror, Luna quickly rushes in after her. “Sister? What is wrong?”

>Celestia stays silent, gazing in disbelief at the walls of the vault.

>Dozens of little alcoves, big enough to hold a crown with a little room, had in them, not a crown, but a large, dragon dildo.

>Luna blinked in surprise. “...Sister? What is this?”

>The day princess’ horn lights up once again, her magic plucking her sister’s crown from her head. She places the small black tiara onto her own head.

>”Call the guard. Now.”

-

>Back in Ponyville, you find yourself frying up a number of delicious egg sandwiches.

>You and Chrysalis are both pretty hungry, since you didn’t eat anything back in Canterlot before leaving.

>Though you both know that she already had a healthy meal of love. And cookies.

>Because somehow Ditto obtained an entire batch of those weird turnip cookies. You can’t understand how anyone could like them.

>You look over to Derpy, who’s sitting across from Chrysalis. She’s munching on one of said cookies.

>And then it hits you. The cookies are heart shaped.

>The sudden realization makes you sigh inwardly. Seriously, what?

>It doesn’t take long for you to finish up the food and serve it to the ponies. It was only the three, as Ditto wasn’t hungry and Dinky’s at school.

“So, what’s the plan for today?”

>Chrysalis smiles. “Well, I had a few ideas.” She glances to Derpy and then back to you. “But I think I’ll leave you guessing. Don’t want to creep out Derpy here.”

>Derpy rolls her eyes. Kind of.

>”Your fetishes aren’t even that weird, Chrysalis.”

>The changeling queen ignores her. “Anyway, in the meantime I have a few letters to send out. I suppose if you want to mail any of your changeling friends, you can.”

“My changeling friends? Why would I send Ditto any letters.”

>The queen chuckles. “Everyp0ny loves a good letter. Anyway.”

>Her horn lights up, taking the plate and its sandwich up into the air. “I’ll be in my office. Holler if you need me.”

>She leaves, food in tow. You glance over to Derpy, raising an eyebrow.

“When exactly did Chrysalis tell you about... that?”

>The mailmare smiles. “Oh, you know. We talk all the time, Anon.”

>Your eyebrow remains raised up. Um, okay?

>You decide not to ask her what exactly you have to be looking forward to, since that’d ruin the surprise. And who doesn’t love surprises?

>A bit later, you were in Ditto’s office, the commander himself off training his bumbling crew of recruit soldiers.

>You weren’t about to send the crown by mail to the Ex-Queen, but you also weren’t about to send a letter straight to her. That’d raise suspicions.

>Instead, you’re wrapping up a package for Poly, which contains another package to be sent to the elder queen.

>Good thing you ran into her, huh? Who would have thought you’d be glad to have stalkers?

>Still though, in the meantime you’ll need a place to stash the crown until the fatass queen bothered to come by.

>You’d also need to prove you had it, but you figure a picture of yourself wearing the damn thing will be more than good enough.

>All you have to do now is give it to Chrysalis for delivery and hope she doesn’t ask too many questions.

>Of course, leave it to Pinkie Pie to make everything more difficult. The mare suddenly arrives, forgoing the traditional knocking process.

>”Anon?”

“Pinkie?”

>She sighs, relieved. “Good thing I found you. I’ve got the stuff!”

>You raise an eyebrow at her, but it quickly becomes apparent what the ‘stuff’ is.

>Entering the room, there’s a very large bag on her back. It jiggles noisily as she moves.

>She leans to the side a tad, her container falling to the crown beside her. Its knot comes undone, a pile of crowns pouring out of it.

“...Pinkie, where did you get those?”

>She smiles. “The crown vault! It was pretty tough, but I managed! I’m sure Cocoona will be happy that you got them for her!”

>You’re not even sure your frown can get any larger. You can easily stuff one crown somewhere. But an entire bag of the damn things?

>God damnit, Pinkie.

>Sighing, you help the mare (and by help, you mean do everything) put the crowns back into their container, tying the bag much tighter this time to ensure it won’t fly open later.

>You’ll have to snatch up the other crown from your super secret hiding place to add to the collection later, but for now you’ll need a place to hide these. Somewhere no one would look...

“Pinkie, any ideas on where to hide these? I’d rather not be caught with them.”

>She ponders your question for a moment. “Why not put them in Dashie’s house?”

>You frown, thinking about it. Well, that’d definitely be secure. But you would prefer somewhere closer to home, so you could snatch them up on a moment’s notice.

“Too far. Any other ideas?”

>Pinkie shrugs. “You could try Ditto’s closet. He doesn’t actually use it for anything, since he’s either in his sexy armour or nude.” She winks, with her eyes you sicko. “I’m sure you know why.”

>Well, that’s close, though you’re sceptical about it. Walking over to the closet, you, after some effort, pry it open. Inside are a few cobwebs and lots of dust.

>From the looks of it, this closet hasn’t been open since it was installed. It’ll do.

“Pass me the bag.”

>She does, but passes it more like a basketball. With a little difficulty you manage to catch it and stuff it on the closet’s upper level.

>If Ditto for whatever reason decides to look in here, you hope he’ll at least miss the top bunk.

>Turning around, you find Pinkie looking over your letters. Eh.

>As you approach, she pulls out the quill you were using to write and quite fancily puts an ‘s’ where you had written ‘I’ve got the crown.’

>Chuckling to yourself, you thank her for her assistance in the Canterlot nonsense.

>”No problem, Anon! By the way, did you hear?”

“...Hear what, Pinkie?”

>”Fluttershy and Princess Celestia are apparently dating! They spent last night together and everything.” She gives you a sly look.

“Huh. Weird. I figured Fluttershy was more into, you know, stallions.”

>Or more specifically, humans. Ha ha...

>Pinkie shrugs and, with a wave, bounces away. “See ya later, Anon!”

“See you.”

>As she leaves, you cross your arms.

>If Cocoona for some reason doesn’t like the one crown, she’ll definitely like a bag of them.

>You just hope Celestia doesn’t clue in before you dispose of the evidence.

-

>“And you’re sending this ‘Poly’ a package why?”

“Because we haven’t talked in awhile and I figured, being the good friend I am, I’d say hello. What’s so wrong with that?”

>Chrysalis narrows her eyes at you. “Nothing, I suppose. I just don’t remember you ever meeting the royal messenger.”

“Oh it was way back when. Before she had that job, actually. Remember when we first went to Epsilon?”

>Your marefriend glances over to the box. “Ah. Yes, she is from Perm’s little ghost town, isn’t she?”

>The last time you were in Epsilon Hive, it didn’t look anything like a ghost town. If anything, it had as many changelings as Ponyville had ponies.

>Despite this, both Chrys and Ditto always told you about how small the place is. It makes you wonder just how gigantic their home hive actually is.

>Chrysalis sighs. “You know, I was actually joking when I mentioned mailing things. But I guess that’s what I get for not specifying. Fine, I’ll have Ditto send your...”

>Her magic picks up the pretty poorly wrapped up package. She gives it a once over before putting it in the pile of neatly sealed letters. “...Package.”

“Thanks, Chrys. So, about that surprise of yours?”

>She smirks. “Don’t you worry. I’ll tell you all about it tonight.”

>You put on a smile, though it has visible traces of nervousness.

>It’s going to be a long night.

-

>The next day, you quickly made your way downstairs to ensure all the letters were gone.

>However you were cut off my Ditto.

>”Good morning, Anonymous. What brings you down here?”

“Just wanted to see if those letters got mailed.”

>The commander shakes his head. “Not yet. They’ll be sent off to their appropriate recipients within the hour.”

>He looks away from you, down the hallway. One of his ears twitch, but you can’t hear anything.

>”I have to go. Enjoy your day, Anonymous. And avoid the barracks. You don’t want to see what I have in store.”

>He grins malevolently, a rare sight for the usually stoic commander, then walks off.

>Someone fucked up, that’s for sure.

>And to be perfectly honest, you don’t want to see what sort of Machiavellian punishment Ditto has in store. You return upstairs.

>Upstairs is, well nothing. Which is good, but simultaneously bad.

>Chrysalis is still out cold from last night’s surprise, which you must admit was quite fun.

>That said, you’d fervently deny any claims to the contrary.

>Still not as weird as some of Fluttershy’s fetishes. Though you kind of doubt she actually had any of those for real.

>A few moments pass in silence as you contemplate the fragility of life.

>However your metaphysical ramblings come to an abrupt end as there’s a heavy knocking on your door.

>Frowning, you head over, opening one of the double doors, but not so wide that whoever’s outside can just charge in.

>”This is the Equestrian Royal Guard. We have evidence that states that the crown jewels are being stored here.”

>Oh fuck. What’s going on here?

>You look back inside. Don’t worry, you’ve got the poker face on your side. You look back, giving him a pretty cool face.

“What sort of evidence?”

>”One of the elements of harmony has given us a lead. Move.”

>...

>Fucking Fluttershy. Still as sturdy as a twig...

“Do you have a warrant?”

>The guard glares at you. “You are to move, tall creature. The guard do not require warrants.”

“And why is that? At the end of the day, unless I suppose it’s a matter of national security, your purpose in society kind of is just that of fancy police. And they need warrants.”

>A guard nearby, whom you cannot see, asks, “Sir, I believe he has a point. We should obtain a warrant from the local mayor. It won’t take long, sir.”

>His superior ignores him and simply continues to glare at you. It meets the calm stoicism of your pokerface. An unstoppable force had met an immovable object.

>”Anonymous, dear, what is going on?”

>You blink, turning around to see Chrysalis. For some reason she’s got a robe and bunny slippers on.

>No, you’re not sure how she wears them. She stalks over to you, pushing you aside to face the guard.

>”What do you want?”

>The guard’s leader ever so slightly flinches back. “We have acquired as testimony that states the crown jewels are being kept here.”

>Chrysalis rolls her eyes. “Oh yes, because it’s always the changelings that are to blame. Go away, peasant. This embassy is out of jurisdiction.”

>He doesn’t get a chance to respond, your queen slamming the door shut in his face. Muffled behind the door you can hear him cry out in pain.

>Chrys turns to you. “What was all that about?”

“I haven’t a clue. Come, I bet you’re hungry.”

>She smiles, following you into the kitchen.

-

>Later that evening, you find yourself relaxing in your big ass chair.

>Derpy is having a nap on the couch nearby, apparently tired from the long day of mail delivering.

>She mentioned something about the bag being way heavier than usual, which you found a bit worrying.

>Thankfully you checked the crown bag. It was still there, safe and sound.

>Chrysalis locked herself back in her room, but that’s no big deal. She’s pretty much completely up to date with her work and from what you can tell, much more chilled out.

>Hell, you bet that if you tell her about what you’ve been up to for Cocoona, she’d only beat you into a semi-pulp. Go Anon!

>Enjoying the peace and quiet sounds of the peaceful show you’re watching, you barely even notice a changeling fly over to you.

>But when you do, you make sure not to yell out. A cranky Derpy is a pretty dangerous Derpy.

>”Hiiii, Anon.”

“Poly? How did you get up here?”

>She smiles. “Oh, you know. The stairs. I’ve brought you a letter.”

>From the couch the unconscious Derpy mutters, “That’s... my... line...”

>Ignoring her, you take the green and black royal parchment and  skim over it.

>The writing is so heavy in cursive you can barely read the damn thing. You pass it back.

“I don’t suppose you can translate? I don’t speak cursive.”

>Poly rolls her eyes and reads off the message. More or less, Cocoona is happy about your success and, while she doesn’t sound very surprised, you’re pretty sure she is.

>”’I will be coming over to collect the materials tonight. Don’t be late, as I have many things to go do.’”

>You frown. Tonight? Quite urgent, it seems. Oh well. It’s not like you’ve got plans.

“Thanks for the heads up.”

>You reach over, patting the mare on her head, like you would a dog. She smirks, putting on a proud face.

>”No problem! If you need anything, just let me know.” She winks at you.

“Eh. I’ll think about it. Anyway, you should go. I’m sure you have lots of mail to deliver.”

>Poly raises a hoof, about to object, but stops. She sighs. “Yeah, I guess I do... See you!”

>She buzzes away, though leaves the letter with you. Tonight, huh? You better get moving.

>Standing up, you look back over to Derpy, who remains content in her seat. Picking up the remote, you turn off the television.

>The mailmare immediately wakes up and glares at you. “I was watching that!”

>Too spooked to come up with a response, you quickly turn the TV back on. She’s out cold immediately.

>You stand in silence for a few moments, staring at the grey pegasus.

>Shaking your head, you move out. You can’t dwell on it. It’s not like you’ll ever understand anyhow.

>Fetching the first crown from your super secret hiding place (which was, of course, under the sink), you quickly sneak into Ditto’s office and snatch up the big bag.

>Opening it briefly, you stuff the other crown inside before tying it back up.

>Exiting the office, you glance around cautiously and continue deeper in the basement, using the shadows to try and stay invisible.

>Realistically, any changelings down here will probably see you no matter where you’re hiding, but it makes you feel better.

>Now, you wait.

>And wait. And then wait a little more.

>Maybe half an hour after you first arrive in your position underground, the same regal carriage that pulled Cocoona’s blubbery behind in before shows up.

>Cautiously, you approach the vehicle. When you’re maybe a few feet away, the nearest door flies open and a green aura of magic pulls you inside.

>You only barely manage to hold onto the hats. Woozily, you get up and, realizing you can’t actually stand up fully in the roofed carriage, sit down in a nearby seat.

>Cocoona is sitting across from you, silent.

“Oh. Hello, your majesty. I brought the crown.”

>Her eyes gaze to the bag. You put it down on the floor, opening it up. You pull out a crown.

>She grins, snatching it away from you, inspecting it. “You know, Anon, I can’t help but say I’m impressed. Perhaps I should have had you get all the regalia.” She chuckles to herself.

“But wait, there’s more.”

>She frowns, taking her gaze away from her new golden hat. You slide the heavy bag of crowns over to her.

>The queen mother takes one look into it and gawks. “What? What’s going on here?”

“You’re holding Celestia’s crown. Those are all of her spares. I figured you’d want to maximize her embarrassment, so...”

>Cocoona can’t even come up with a reponse, her face flashing between numerous emotions. Eventually it settles back at the stoic look she started with.

>”Very good. We’ll be in touch.” She gestures at the door and you promptly leave. The door slams shut behind you.

-

>Later that night, you were upstairs, getting ready to sleep.

>Chrysalis is still downstairs, apparently finishing up a marathon of some Game of Pones show she became obsessed with, so you didn’t really have much to do.

>Except, of course, deal with an unexpected knock at your balcony’s door, which, while glass, is designed so that you can see out, but whoever’s out there can’t see in.

>You’ve got to hand it to the people who built this place. They knew their shit.

>Glancing over, you see Princess Luna standing at the door. She can’t actually tell where you are, her eyes darting about the room worriedly.

>Sighing, you walk over and open up, but stop her from coming inside.

“Howdy, princess. How’s the night treating you?”

>”Anonymous, what did you do?”

“Oh, you know. Ate some food. Hung out with friends. I’m afraid you’ll need to specify.”

>She glares at you. “How did you get inside of my sister’s regalia vault?”

“I didn’t.”

>She rolls her eyes. “Oh? So explain how, then, all of my sister’s crowns have suddenly vanished into the night?”

“I may have accidentally had another friend go and perform some convoluted plan to obtain it. To be honest I didn’t even know there was a ‘crown’ vault.”

>You glance over to where the night mare’s crown is supposed to be. It is notably missing.

“Though I suppose now you’re suffering the consequences?”

>”Anonymous, I trust you have the crowns still?”

“I did, an hour ago. You’re out of luck, I’m afraid.”

>She cringes. “What do you mean, ‘an hour ago?’”

>You cross your arms. “An hour ago I gave them to Cocoona. All of them. Which was, you know, what I was going to do with them the entire time.”

>Luna blinks. “...Who is Cocoona?”

“Chrys’ mom. She doesn’t like me. Didn’t I explain all of this?”

>The mare blushes. “Er, perhaps. I’ve been under a good deal of stress, and probably forgot. Still, I must get at least one crown back!”

“Why bother? Celestia could obviously afford all of them the first time, surely she can afford them now. Just have a new one made.”

>The mare’s eyes point up to her fairly bare head.

“Personally, you look better without it. It can barely even be seen under that mane of yours anyway.

>”You will not trick me with flattery!”

>Shrugging, you place a hand onto the door.

“Ignore my compliments if you want. I’m going to bed. Have fun, Luna.”

>”You cannot do this, Anon! I’ll tell my sister it was you!”

>You smile, reaching over, shushing her with a finger.

“You won’t do that, Luna. We both know it. It’ll be fine, trust me.”

>The mare backs away from you. “You owe me, Anon. Do not be surprised if I ask you to pay up.”

“Good night, Luna.”

>You close the door slowly, smiling like a smug snake would. That was pretty good, Anon. Perhaps you should take up acting.

>In all seriousness, though, you weren’t actually sure if she won’t call you out on your bullshit and tell Celestia.

>Even so, at this point punishing you will accomplish no more than pissing of Chrysalis. You don’t have the crowns and you don’t have a way to get them back.

>Still, though, you can’t help but wonder when Luna’s going to ask for that ‘favour.’ It doesn’t take a genius to know what she’ll probably ask for.

>Though, perhaps, just maybe, she’ll use it more productively.

>You are going to be a King soon, after all.

-

>The next day you find yourself awakening with a happy changeling queen at your side.

>She’s snuggling up to you cheerfully. You can only wonder what’s on her mind.

>Freeing one of your arms, you can’t resist scratching behind one of her big ears. She struggles a bit, before waking up laughing.

>”A-Anon, stop that.” You smile at her.

“Well, if you insist.”

>Removing your hand, you sit up. She turns away, her ego just a little shaken. Blushing, she continues to sulk.

>”I thought I told you not to tickle me.”

“Only through those holes in your legs. Your ears are fair game.”

>”W-Well don’t. It’s embarrassing.” You smile at her, leaning back in the bed.

“Alright, Chrys. I won’t tickle you anymore. Even though I know you like it.”

>She rolls her eyes and, before you can reach in to tickle her again, she gets outs of bed.

>Shrugging, you do the same, throwing on some proper clothing.

“So what’s the plan for today?”

>”I’m not sure. Though I’m pretty sure Ditto is out doing training exercises. He’ll be gone all day, probably.”

>You nod, but feel obligated to ask. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Where’d you even get those recruits from anyway? They clearly aren’t cut out for their job.”

>Chrysalis sighs. “They aren’t cut out for /any/ jobs, Anon. We have to do something with them.”

>Nodding, you pull on some pants and follow her out.

>You’re sure that with Chrysalis in tow you’ll be able to find something to do. Hey, maybe you can go bug Rainbow Dash.

>However when you arrive in the main hall, you inadvertently bump into your queen’s behind, as she inexplicably stopped moving.

>She jumps a little from your touch but remains focused on the big lounge chair that suddenly appeared in her foyer.

>And on said lounge chair? Oh, you know. Just Cocoona.

>”There you are. Greetings, daughter. Human.”

>Chrysalis is the first to stammer out a response. “M-Mother? What are you doing all the way over here?”

>She shrugs. “Oh, you know. Doing your job. How’s Ponyville been treating you?”

>Chrysalis shakes her head, clearly not about to get bossed around this time. “Fine. I didn’t expect you to drop by so soon.”

>She was expecting her to drop by? You get the feeling you’re out of the loop.

>”Yes, well, I was in the neighbourhood. Would you rather I just ignore your little request?”

>Chrysalis grumbles unhappily. You’re still not sure what the fuck is going on.

“I do believe I’m out of the loop. What’s going on?”

>Your lover blinks, realizing she forgot to tell you something. She turns to you.

>”Er, well, Anon, you see, I asked mother here to give us a little job to prove that you can be a good help to my rule. I know how much you’ve wanted a chance, and all.”

>You give Cocoona a look. She rolls her eyes.

“I see. Sounds good, then. What’s the task?”

>Cocoona frowns, getting serious. “I want you two to go find and ‘obtain’ another hive for /my/ collection. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Go.”

>Chrysalis frowns. “A new hive?” She looks to you, smiling confidently. “I’m sure that can be arranged. Come, Anon, we have much work to do.”

>She saunters off downstairs. You give Cocoona a curious look before following the queen down.

>The queen mother yawns, tired from the long walk up the stairs. “That should keep them busy,” she chuckles to herself.

-

>Downstairs, Chrysalis quickly forces her way into Ditto’s office, prying his map of the hives off the wall.

“You know, he’s probably not going to like all those tears in that map...”

>”Shut up, Anon. Come. Where’s a Hive I can bully into servitude?”

>Placing the map down on a table, she begins to scan for a hive. It’s not the most organized thing ever, and with all the tunnels worming about you can’t actually tell what you’re looking for.

>Getting an idea, you open one of the commander’s drawers and after a bit of searching, find another map, this one of Equestria.

>You place it beside her slightly torn tunnel map. She smiles. “Good idea. Let’s see, where is Ponyville...?”

>You point to the town. It’s pretty much dead center.

“So, Chrysalis, what exactly was all this about bullying a hive into submission?”

>She blinks. “Oh, that? Well, that’s how we’re going to get them on our side, obviously. A show of force.”

“Are you sure antagonising them is really, well, a good way to make some friends?”

>She rolls her eyes. “Oh step off. They’ll mellow out within a few generations. After all, Epsilon Hive did. Don’t be so worried.”

>You cross your arms.

>”Besides, Anon, isn’t this what you wanted? I know you’ve wanted an opportunity to show mother that you can actually do more than service me in bed.” She gives you a smug smile.

>Looking to the door, you slowly nod. If only she knew what you’ve been up too.

“Still, do you think bullying Hives is the best way to go about it? What sort of public image does that give you?”

>”In case you have forgotten, I’m loved in Epsilon Hive.”

“Yes, but as you said, it’s been a few generations. And what about the other hives? I doubt they’re too fond of you bullying them into submission.”

>She looks away, muttering a bit too loudly, “It was more a conquest than coercion...”

>You pause, waiting for her to return her gaze.

“Chrys?”

>”Yes?”

“Do you remember when Celestia gave you that silly task? To send her letters about the magic of friendship?”

>She slowly turns back to you, her face giving you her answer.

“Perhaps, if we put that into practice, we can give ourselves a good image? If nothing else it’ll probably make it easier to get at least one of them on our side.”

>She frowns, not certain. “And if it doesn’t work, since they’re still mad about Epsilon?”

“Then we go somewhere else until it does. Come on, there’s what, ten other hives not in your pocket? Surely one of them will say yes. Even if we have to throw a little money at them.”

>Chrysalis ponders this for some time. You look over to her tunnel map and trace a finger from Epsilon Hive to another called Tau Hive.

>This one was coloured differently than Epsilon, thus out of Chrysalis’ control.

“Why don’t we try this one? It’s pretty close, and from the looks of it not too small.”

>Your marefriend looks over to it, her frown deepening. “Tau Hive? We’ve got a better chance subjugating Celestia. Anon, Tau Hive is impossible. Not even mother has been able to budge them.”

“All the more reason to go over. When we succeed, it’ll be all the more impressive.”

>You smile confidently, but Chrysalis is having none of it. “Anon, not even /mother/ has been able to budge them. She’s been trying to get them to fold for well over two hundred years.”

“Like I said. All the more reason.”

>Chrysalis rolls her eyes dramatically and then looks to the Equestria map. After checking a few times she guides your finger over to where, roughly, Tau Hive sat.

>”It’s under that city. Stone Falls. Hm. Why does it sound so familiar?”

>You think about it for a moment. Stone Falls did sound familiar. Oh!

“Because we’ve been there. That’s where Pinkie’s family lives. And they were complaining about changelings, I’m pretty sure. It’s probably the same hive.”

>Chrysalis smiles. “Aha! That’s where it’s from. I knew I kept you around for something. Quickly, we need to talk to Pinkie. I have a favour to ask.”

>She quickly rushes off, you shaking your head as you chase after her.

>The mare slows down once she arrives in the foyer, but oddly enough her mother, and her chair, is gone.

>However, she’s not actually focusing on such and is on her way out. She turns to you.

>”Stay here. I’ll get Pinkie and her sisters over. Try not to upset mother too much, yes?”

“Roger roger.”

>She rolls her eyes at your silly affirmation and leaves. You glance around.

>Now, where’d that big dumpling get to? Surely not too far, with all that weight to pull around.

>You peek into the kitchen, more on instinct than anything, only to find she isn’t there.

>She’ll probably find her way to it eventually. You’ll have to hide the...

>Everything, really.

>Leaving the kitchen, you make your way to the living room. Ah, there she is.

>While her lounge chair appears to still be intact, she isn’t sitting in it.

>Instead she’s made herself fairly comfortable in your shiny metal and wood throne.

>Well, that’s interesting. You cautiously approach the mare, who refrains from acknowledging your presence.

“Hello again, majesty.”

>You cross your arms, glancing to the TV, which remains off. You spot Derpy napping on the couch peacefully.

>”Hrm. Hello. Have a seat.” She gestures over to her chair.

“I’ll be find like this. So, I just thought I’d let you know that Chrysalis has chosen a hive to bring into the fold.”

>She grunts. “Mhm. That’s nice. I have a question for you.”

“Yes?”

>The mare leans back in your fancy chair. “Is there any specific reason you own this chair? It’s a tad fancy for someone of your stature.”

>Eh. You shrug.

“Well, you know. Never know when someone important will drop by.”

>She grunts again, not really telling you if she’s happy with your answer or not.

>After a moment of silence, she asks, “So, which hive are you going to go beat up?”

“Oh, just Tau.”

>She blinks. If she had a drink, she’d probably also choke. “You’re going to Tau?”

“Yep.”

>”Tau. The hive that doesn’t listen to anyp0ny for any reason?”

“The very same.”

>She quickly regains her composure. “Hmph. Have fun with that.”

>You smile at her, taking a seat on the couch near her. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Sure thing. I’ll see if I can get you another crown for collection.”

>She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. It’s not like I’m actually going to wear those blasted things, you realize.”

>Not wanting to answer, you instead change up the subject.

“So, I take it you’ll be hanging about here for awhile?”

>”Unfortunately. While you and Chrysalis are off butchering my country’s reputation some more, somep0ny is going have to do all the deskwork.”

“And I suppose you don’t trust Ditto enough to do it for you?”

>”Eh...” It takes her a moment to formulate a response. “Maybe. But he doesn’t know Chrysalis’ signature well enough to copy it.”

>You shrug in response and glance to Derpy, who is still napping happily.

>Some time passes, with you just sitting and thinking. Chrysalis definitely isn’t exaggerating about this Tau Hive’s lack of compliance, at least.

>Hrm. Glancing over to Cocoona, you can’t really tell what she’s thinking about. One thing’s for sure, though.

>She is not comfortable in your chair. If you didn’t know better you’d even say she’s stuck inside of it.

>Haha. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing?

>Crack.

>You blink, barely even hearing the noise. Is that coming from where you think it is?

>Another crack. This one louder.

>Looking over to the seated mare, she immediately glares at you. “What are /you/ looking at?”

“You may want to relocate.”

>Her response is immediate. “No.”

>Shrugging, you look back at the far side of room, suppressing a knowing smile. Cocoona looks away.

>It’s right then that the wood under your seat’s cushion finally gives away, snapping like a literal twig under the changeling’s exceptionally large behind.

>If she wasn’t stuck before, she is now.

>Unfortunately, the mare doesn’t let out so much as a surprised or horrified yelp when she sinks in.

>Instead she simply utters a depressed sigh, as though she saw it coming. Which she most definitely did.

>Getting up, you slowly walk over to her. She, once again, glares at you.

“Would you like a hand getting out of there?”

>”I don’t need /your/ help. I’ll leave when I want to.”

>Shrugging, you move to return your seat. One step... Then two... Followed by a third...

>Your tactics don’t quite pay off, but it could have gone worse. You spend another five or so minutes sitting about, waiting for the queen mother to say something—anything.

>It doesn’t actually come until Derpy wakes up with a yawn. “Hm...? Anon?”

“Hi, Derpy. We have a guest. Say hello.”

>She looks to where you’re gesturing, seeing Cocoona, who glares over at her.

>The mailmare weakly waves. “Um, hello.”

>Cocoona looks to you. “Is there a reason you have random ponies living in my daughter’s estate?”

“Yes.”

>She waits for you to continue.

“It’s a long story. I doubt you have time for it.”

>She grunts, looking away. ”I probably don’t.”

>After a few moments of awkward silence, Derpy excuses herself.

>Which leaves you and the ex-queen all alone.

“...So. Cocoona. Is there something you’d like to say?”

>You look to her, your trademark pokerface on. Come on, fold.

>”...I’m stuck.”

“Would you like some help?”

>”No.”

“Is that so?”

>”...No.” She sighs. “I don’t want to talk about this. Especially not with you. You’re lucky I’m even here.”

>You nod.

>”Look, human. Anonymous. If you actually want to succeed, you’re going to need to go somewhere else. Tau Hive won’t budge, let alone let you in. Don’t waste your time with them.”

“I can make it work.”

>She rolls her eyes, her horn beginning to glow. Looking for a similar glow, you eventually spot it on her behind, the magic tugging futilely to free her from the chair.

>Slowly, you get up. “Don’t.”

>Ignoring her, you stand just in front of her. From her seated position she’s forced to look up to make eye contact with you.

>You stretch out your arms. She glares at you. “Sit down. I have this.”

“Perhaps. But you’ll be out sooner with a hand. Give me your hooves.”

>The mare rolls her eyes, disregarding you, her magic continue to try and pull her out of the chair.

>Another minute passes before, grumbling angrily, she reaches out her hooves. You take them in your hands.

“Good. Now, on my mark... push!”

>As soon as she begins to push herself forward, you pull on her legs, doing your best to stay grounded and not fall over.

>At first you’re confident that you’re making progress, but it quickly becomes clear that you aren’t.

>Groaning, the old changeling shakes her head. “This isn’t working. How about, instead, I just rip off an arm?”

“I’d prefer keeping them where they are.”

>She rolls her eyes. “Not your arms! The chair’s!”

“My point still stands.”

>”Oh fine then. I’ll just sit here until my dying day then. I’m sure it’ll only take another hundred years or so.”

>You almost rebuke that she’d lose enough weight long before succumbing to starvation, but stop yourself. She’s in a bad enough mood already.

“How did you even manage to get into the chair, Cocoona?”

>”I sat down in it, you moron. We need a lubricant. Get some butter or something.”

“I don’t have enough butter for this big a job.”

>Her right eye twitches dangerously. “Was that a fat joke, human?”

>You raise an eyebrow at her. [spoiler][/spoiler]”No. Why?”

>She continues glaring, but remains silent. After a moment. “Soap, then. Something. Since you so desperately want to spare this chair I had to pay for.”

“I’m pretty sure it was the changeling taxpayers who paid for it.”

>She laughs bitterly. “You’d think that.”

>A fairly quick search about the building granted you a bucket full of soapy water.

>Sure, it’s not butter, but it’ll definitely get her moving. Maybe.

>Placing the bucket on the mare’s left, you soak a sponge into the fluid. Cocoona continues sitting awkwardly in your chair, sulking with her forelegs crossed.

>”Don’t get any ideas. I may not be able to wrench myself free of your chair, but I can still break you with but a thought.”

>You give her a fairly grossed out look. Safe to say, you are /not/ into fat chicks.

>”Now don’t you give me that. I know how sick you humans are. Now hurry up. I have things to do.”

“Mhm.”

>Lifting up the dripping sponge, you quickly squeeze it out more or less onto the queen mother’s flank, the liquid making its way down the leg and hopefully lowering the friction a bit.

>However, judging by the rather large size of this... ‘round’ mare, you’ll need to apply more than just one dose of warm liquid.

>You continue to squeeze out water onto specific areas. Cocoona doesn’t respond to any of your touches, though you can’t help but feel like you’re giving grandma a sponge bath. Eurgh.

>”Didn’t I say no funny business? Hurry up and move to the other side.”

“Just making sure it’s an even coat. It’ll make it easier.”

>”I can rip off an arm too. Which is even easier.”

“But then you’ve wasted all those precious chunks. Aren’t you the one who prefers not wasting money?”

>She grunts. “This chair IS a waste, if I can’t sit in it. Now hurry up.”

>Rolling your eyes, you move the bucket to the other side and repeat the process.

>Content with the job, you, with a little coercion, take the mare’s hooves once again.

“Alright, on my mark.”

>”Blah, blah, pull!”

>Sighing, you pull. This time you’re certain she’s moving. Though you’re still wondering how the fuck she got into this thing anyway.

>On the third repetition of your monumental task, the mare is finally free from her prison.

>Of course, she immediately goes flying forward, bowling you over. Hopefully you didn’t break any ribs.

>You expect her to immediately get up, but she hesitates for whatever stupid reason.

>No big deal. It’s not like you need to breathe or anything.

>She groans, looking down at your slowly reddening face.

>”Eh. Thanks. I guess.”

“Move.”

>Cocoona just looks at you, a cruel grin eventually coming to her face. “Where are your manners, Anonymous? You can’t just tell a lady to ‘move.’”

“Air. Move.”

>She laughs and slowly gets up. Very, very slowly.

>In fact, she continues to chuckle cruelly until she’s standing at her full height. Then, suddenly, her face falls.

>Crawling out from under her, you stand up and immediately see why she’s not laughing.

>Because, you know, Chrysalis is standing at the door.

>She has no idea what the fuck is going on.

“Well, this is awkward.”

-

>Indeed, it was awkward.

>But, after some explanation, and by explanation, you of course mean Cocoona shrieking orders and obscenities at yourself and Chrysalis, everything got explained to your girl.

>She is, of course, still a tad confused why Cocoona would even let you help her with anything, but let it slide.

>It just means your tactics are working. If you succeed with these Tau fellows, who knows, perhaps she’ll even be willing to listen to your plea to make Chrysalis happy.

>Though you’ll probably still need a gallon or two of alcohol for the fatass to drink first.

>Either way, after relocating Cocoona to a much more comfortable location (that being Ditto’s office), you and the ponies Chrysalis went and brought over discuss the mysterious Tau Hive.

>”Why am I here again?”

>You roll your eyes at the always bitter Inkie Pie. Pinkie giggles. “To help Anon and Chrysalis, of course!”

>The grey mare rolls her eyes. “Blinkie, you’re up.”

>”...Why am I telling them again?”

>She gives her a look. When Blinkie doesn’t respond, she continues. “Because you have the drill on your butt. You dealt with those weirdos more than I did.”

>Blinkie scowls. “Except you’re the security, who keeps them away from /me./ So you had more experience with them than I did.”

>Pinkie sighs, looking on as her siblings continue to bicker about who dealt with the Tau changelings more. You look to Chrysalis.

>”Don’t look at me, Anon. I’ve only talked to them once, and they didn’t say anything other than that ‘I wasn’t welcome there.’”

>You can probably guess conquering Epsilon Hive is to blame for that.

“Come on, you three. I don’t particularly care which of you tells us whatever, I just need info. What can we expect?”

>Inkie grunts. “To not be let in.”

>Blinkie nods. “They don’t like foreigners at all. They’ve only ever sent us vague messages warning us to leave their tunnels alone.”

>Pinkie confirms this. “Yeah! I remember once sending them cake and it sat there for days before I had to take it back.”

>Chrysalis grunts. “Sounds like Tau Hive. But, as you know, I can’t exactly convert them to my cause if they don’t let me in.”

“So, we need a way to convince them to open their doors. Even if it’s only for one of their diplomats to walk out.”

>Inkie thinks for a second. She shrugs. “I’ve got nothing.”

>Blinkie sighs. “I don’t know. Maybe you should ask Dad?”

>Pinkie smiles. “Ooh! Or maybe the princesses can help!” You give Pinkie an incredulous look, but then realize Pinkie doesn’t know Luna kind of made your little heist possible.

>Thankfully, Chrysalis doesn’t push that idea. “I don’t really see even Princess Luna helping Anon with this, since it is going to, you know, make me even stronger.”

>Indeed. Especially since you already owe her. You doubt the Bank of Luna is really fond of double loans.

>Inkie shrugs. “Guess you’ll just have to ask Dad about it. Good luck with that.”

>She hops down from her perch on the other couch (which has always sat across from the first and larger couch on which Derpy slept earlier this chapter) and quickly fled the scene.

>Blinkie sighs. “Sorry about her. She’s been a particularly bad mood recently.”

>Chrysalis mock gasps. “Oh my! How terrible! I didn’t even notice.”

“Just a tad too thick, dear.”

>She shakes her head. “Since when do you call me dear?”

“Since you started calling me it. Anyway, Blinkie, can you send Clyde a letter telling him that we’re going to ruin probably at least a week for him by showing up?”

>Blinkie nods. “Sure thing.”

>Pinkie smiles at her sibling. “Great! It’ll be a big ol’ family reunion!”

>Chrysalis’ smile drops in unison with your own. Yeah, those three are /not/ coming on this trip.

>Pinkie is understandably angry when you tell her exactly that.

>”But why? I haven’t been back home in forever! And neither have Blinkie and Inkie! And it’s kind of your fault that happened! If we don’t go, Dad might not help you!”

“Technically, it’s Inkie’s fault, since she got everyone wasted in Vegas to begin with.”

>Pinkie rolls her eyes. “But it’s your fault you didn’t make Chrysalis break the rest of these rings, which are what keeps my sisters here in Ponyville!”

>She holds up the hoof with the changeling wedding band. It’s /still/ in the same spot you last saw it.

>Chrysalis rolls her eyes. “If you wanted them gone so badly, you could have just asked.” Though, considering how draining that spell is, she’d probably need to ask a lot.

>Pinkie sulks. “We’re still going. You can’t stop us.”

>Chrysalis is about to object but you cut her off.

“She’s right. We can’t.”

>The changeling queen sighs. “I’m not paying your way.”

>Pinkie isn’t dissuaded though. “Hurray! Come on, Blinkie, we have to pack!”

>The pink pony grabs her sibling using her magnetic hooves and rushes off, sister in tow.

>You hear Blinkie yell, “But what about the Cakes?” as they go.

>Chrysalis gets up after they’ve left. “Well, that just made everything even more complicated...”

“Not necessarily. Pinkie is pretty good at making impossible things happen, after all.”

>”I don’t like being the first to test the extent of such powers, Anon.”

>You rise up, placing a hand of her shoulder.

“Don’t you worry. You’ve got me here to help out.”

>Chrysalis smiles at you. “Yes. I suppose I do.”

-

>One absolutely agonizing train ride later, you arrive in the still mostly foreign Stone Falls.

>The last time you dropped by it was with Twilight and co. You really should have brought them.

>Not because they’re vital to mission or anything, but because CHRIST is Pinkie annoying.

>With Ditto holed up in the caboose to keep his mostly useless troops busy, the pink pony decided that you and Chrysalis were the best thing to talk to.

>Inkie of course was there to ensure every second was even worse. At least Blinkie tried to help...

>”I’m going to kill them, Anon.”

“At least wait until we’re back in Ponyville.”

>Chrysalis grins darkly at you and decides now is the best time to tell you of all the horrible ‘accidents’ she’s thought up for removing the noise.

>Which would be funny if they weren’t literally standing in front of you, leading you and the other changelings up the hill to the Pie manor.

>She at least stops once you arrive on site. If Pinkie is anything to go by, Clyde is likely lurking around every corner.

>Or perhaps not. As you look out at the ‘crops,’ there’s no sign of any life.

>Inside, then.

>After a thankfully quiet walk, you arrive at the large building’s door. You ignore the cheerful fanfare Pinkie and Blinkie give to make sure you’re aware that you have indeed arrived at the manor.

>Knock. Knock.

>You take a step back, not wanting to get smacked in the face in the event the door opens out.

>As your group waits for a response, Chrysalis takes her place by your side.

>It turns out the door does indeed open out. You look down at the ‘farmer.’

“Hello, Mr. Pie.”

>The dull brown stallion lazily glances at you. His eyes slowly shift over to Chrysalis.

>Chrysalis does a great job at looking back at him silently. She should probably say something.

>She catches your drift thanks to a proper application of elbow to the shoulder.

>The bug horse manages to maintain her composure. “Hi. Nice weather we’re having?”

>Clyde raises an eyebrow at her but says nothing.

>A jerk of your head sends Pinkie over to salvage the situation. What took her so long anyway?

>It’s not like Ditto’s besi—Oh, he moved. Whatever.

>”Hi, Dad! It’s us! You got our letter, right?”

>The stallion nods slowly. “Mhm.”

>”Great! Well, uh, you go relax! We know where they’re staying.”

>He turns his head a little, looking at his other two kids. They (and by they you obviously mean Blinkie) smile at him.

>”Suit yourself.” The miner turns tail and casually walks inside.

>You’re about to follow suit but a green glow jerks your head toward a familiar changeling.

“You’re going to yell at me for elbowing you, aren’t you.”

>”Later. Right now I’m going to drag you around.”

“Lovely.”

>She does exactly that, pushing her way past Pinkie, dragging you into the building.

>It’s a tad curious that the Pie family’s door is tall enough that you don’t need to duck. Was that there last time? You don’t remember.

>Pinkie, Inkie and Blinkie are right behind, Ditto’s group bringing up the rear.

>Until there’s a sort of snag involving six changelings trying to walk through all at once. They quite obviously get stuck.

>One of his minions pauses. ”Um...” Ditto’s eye twitches as he stops.

>Another, “Sir, we, um...”

>This is enough to get Chrysalis to let go of your poor, poor ear. She looks back. Ditto does not.

>There’s a bit of struggling. “Hey! Back up!” “No, /you/ back up!” “Can we stop fighting, please?”

>Their commander keeps walking. “I’m not doing this right now.”

>Chrysalis sighs. “Why is it always me?”

“Perhaps its karma for pulling my ear?”

>She continues to drag you around for an hour after that one. Oh well.

>It’s not like she has anywhere to be going. Her guards are stuck.

-

>A fair application of an industrial strength lubricant and numerous hours brings night.

>You actually completely forgot about the two special agents that Chrysalis sent here to replace to Pie siblings.

>You also completely forgot that they didn’t succeed in their missions at all, because, you know, Clyde’s fucking Clyde.

>Regardless, as fairly high ranking officers and having actually been here for more than half a day, they proved to be more than helpful in getting information.

>Though it isn’t always useful information. When are you going to ever need to know that Sue (the Pie family’s mother) likes frilly socks?

>However, once Ditto arrives on the scene, the meeting in which you determine what the fuck you’re supposed to do about Tau Hive is able to begin.

“So.”

>Chrysalis looks to you from her fancy pillow. You don’t remember seeing her pack it.

>An agent looks to you. ”Yes, Anon?”

“What’s the plan?”

>Ditto shrugs. “It seems simple enough. We have Clyde contact the changelings and request a meeting through him.”

>Chrysalis gives him a look. “Assuming of course they’ll take a message from Clyde. Doesn’t Tau not like this ‘farm’ being here?”

>An agent confirms this.

>However, the other then notes, “That said, the changelings in Tau Hive have only been known to take messages from the farmer. It is currently our best bet.”

>Makes sense. But looking at those two agents is actually starting to weird you out a tad.

>Since they’re still disguised as Inkie and Blinkie. Monotone + Your Friends = Uncanny Valley.

“Sounds good. But, first, think you could drop the disguises? You’re creeping me out a bit.”

>”Negative. Protocol dictates we stay in our assigned roll until dismissed by a commanding officer.”

>You look to Ditto. He rolls his eyes. “You’ll get used to it.”

>Perhaps if you have a few years to chill. Looks like you’ll just have to hide behind your pokerface again...

>Chrys, slightly amused by the nonsense, however brings up a fair point. “Alright. Now how do  we get Clyde to do anything for us?”

>The room goes silent.

>Well fuck. There goes your plan.

>Ditto is the first to come up with a suggestion. “Perhaps we can use Pinkie or her siblings for this?”

“Eh. We already used them to get in here to begin with.”

>He concedes. Chrysalis turns to her fairly useful agents. “Well?”

>The Blinkie agent thinks, hoof on chin. “Are we authorized to use force?”

>Bughorse rolls her eyes. “No, we’re not beating up Clyde.”

>The agent nods. “Affirmative. Perhaps a bribe?”

>Your marefriend pulls out a wallet out of somewhere, turning it over and shaking it. Not a chunk drops out.

>”I, as you can see, am broke. He won’t take our money anyway.”

>The other agent opens its mouth to speak, but stops.

“This is going to take awhile, isn’t it?”

>Ditto nods. “Yes. But at least the drones aren’t here...”

>Thank god for small mercies...

-

>Hours later, finally, someone has an idea.

>”Perhaps we just get Sue to convince him? It’s not like it’ll be hard to convince her.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

>The other agent finishes for him. “The sexual behaviours of Clyde and Sue Pie are very different from those of their children, Anonymous.”

>Or yours. Or Dittos. Heh.

>Chrysalis throws her arms up in defeat. “You aren’t cleared for sexual bribes either! We’re getting nowhere with this.”

“Yeah, I’ve got to agree. But, I think they’re on to something.”

>All eyes turn to you. No pressure or anything.

“How about, instead of giving Sue... that, we give her a gift? A bribe or favour or whatever. I’m sure we’ve got something she’d like?”

>You give Chrysalis a look.

>She raises an eyebrow, wondering what you’re getting at. It hits her.

>”What!? No! They’re mine!”

“Ditto, fetch the socks. They should be in the blue briefcase.”

>Chrysalis gawks at you. “Those are mine! Why would she even want socks that big? Anon, you can’t do this!”

>The commander, who up until now hasn’t moved, shrugs. “We must try. It is a plan, at the very least.”

>Your marefriend glares at him. Then you. Then the agents. And then at Ditto again.

>She sulks. “Fine... But you’re buying me new ones, Anon.”

“Green and black, right? I’ll write that down.”

>You lift up an imaginary pen and write into an imaginary notepad, smiling at Chrys the entire time.

>The changeling doesn’t look at you. Or tries not to. She’s too upset to verbally respond.

>Chrysalis’ agents glance back and forth between the two of you.

>”I believe we are out of the loop.”

>From your briefcases, Ditto turns to them. “It’s a long story. A long, classified story.”

>”Commander, I do believe our clearance allows us to see all documents.”

>”Or so you think...” mutters the changeling queen way too loudly. She quickly continues sulking though, pretending it didn’t happen.

>Ditto brings you the socks.

“Come on, Chrysalis. Don’t be mad. These ones are polyester anyway. A queen should have silk.”

>She rolls her eyes. “It’s too late, Anon. You’re in the doghouse; nothing will change my mind.”

>Eh, well, you tried.

“Aye aye, captain.”

>You pass the socks back to Ditto.

“Get a box for these and bring them over tomorrow. We’ll make our offer then.”

>The commander nods and leaves, hiding the socks away in a top secret compartment codenamed: under the chest plate.

>You know, thinking back, you can’t recall ever seeing him without that thing on. Weird.

>Oh well.

-

>The next morning goes like any morning does.

>Except, well, you’re not in your house and everything is all small.

>As you’re throwing on a nice, white shirt, which you often wear, Chrysalis walks up to you.

>”Morning, Anon.”

“Hey.”

>She watches you as you dress, smiling at you peculiarly.

“Is something wrong?”

>”Oh, nothing, nothing.”

“Something is wrong. A good something, perhaps, but something. What’s up?”

>”Well, I’ve been wondering. You recall awhile back, when I found you putting on that outfit?”

>You let out a half hearted ‘Ha.’

“You’ll need to be more specific. I put on lots of clothes around you.”

>And occasionally take them off. “I’m sure you know which time I’m talking about. Your outfit was quite nice. I believe you mentioned something about a hot date?”

>Eh. This could be a problem.

“...I think I recall that time. What about it?”

>A magical grip turns you around to face her. “Who was it?”

>You raise an eyebrow at her, quickly throwing up a poker face. Not a very good one, though.

“Eh? I was making a joke, Chrys.”

>”Then why a suit? Who was it, Anon?”

“I didn’t go on a hot date, Chrysalis. I was joking. Can you put me down?”

>The mare, who is showing off her mastery of the ‘glare a hole through the wall’ jutsu, blinks, looking at your feet.

>To make your point clear, you wiggle them about. Yep, definitely not on the ground.

>”I still want to know who you were with. What’s the big deal?”

>You’d say you weren’t with anyone, but that’d be a lie.

>Which, thinking about it, you can’t recall Chrysalis being able to taste. Guilt is one, though.

“Why are you bringing this up now of all times?”

>”Because I want to know who it was. Was it Rainbow?”

>Her magical grip turns off and you fall to the floor. It makes you wonder why she’d lift you up to yell at you, though.

>Since you’re technically taller than her, excluding her horn.

“No.”

>”Derpy?”

“Chrysalis, drop it.”

>”I already dropped you. Don’t tell me it was Luna.”

“Why would I go on a date with Luna?”

>She narrows her eyes. “I’m watching you, Anon.”

>The mare turns and walks away and out the door. Well then.

>Perhaps you are in the doghouse after all...

>Before you can wonder how much Chrysalis knows and wonder why she waited until now to ask, there’s a loud explosion.

>Why. Just why?

>Rushing out the door, Chrysalis is already looking back to you.

“Predictions?”

>”Inkie.”

“Drones. 20 bits.”

>”Pleasure doing business. Come.”

>She turns back and doing her best not to gallop down the fairly tight halls rushes downstairs. You’re right behind her.

>Arriving at the kitchen, you find the source of the explosion. And it isn’t just because there’s smoke.

>Inkie, everyone’s best friend, is busy strangling one of Ditto’s drones. The two of them are right in front of a stove, on which sits a frying pan that’s ablaze, smoke funnelling up from the seemingly sourceless flames.

>Damn. What happened here?

>Chrysalis looks to you, confused. “So who won the bet?”

“Inkie did. Though I think she’s busy...”

>”Mhm. We’ll just mail her the money. Slowly.”

“Excellent plan.”

>”Was it Inkie?”

>You blink, turning to the queen with a look of confused disgust. What the fuck?

>She glares at you. “Don’t give me that. I know you’ve got a thing for mares with attitude.”

“There’s a difference between having attitude and being a psychopath, Chrysalis.”

>”Just a sliver. You didn’t answer the question.”

“...No.”

>You look back into the kitchen to see the grey pony roundhouse the possibly innocent changeling into the fridge. “I-I’m sorry! I didn’t know propane explodes!”

>”How can you /not/ know that! You don’t deserve to exist!”

>...

>Maybe it’s a good thing you never went and bought that barbeque...

-

>Some time later the changeling Inkie had a field day with was taken away to heal. Or something.

>He didn’t look very good, that’s for sure. Ditto, unhappily, wasn’t able to really run around with you, not trusting his other minions to ensure the wounded doesn’t become the maimed.

>You got lucky. Both Clyde and Sue were out of the house when that explosion rang out. As long as Inkie doesn’t say anything, they’ll never know.

>Walking down one of many hallways, your search for the mare of the house continues to be fruitless.

>It’s only once you ask one of the Pie siblings that her apparently obvious whereabouts are revealed.

>”Did you check Dad’s office?”

“That’s the first place I checked, Pinkie.”

>She frowns. “Well, I’m pretty sure I saw her there. Check again.”

>Sceptical, you go ahead and check Clyde’s office, this time bringing Chrysalis with you.

>While you have the socks, Chrysalis is the one with the request. It’d be kind of stupid to not bring her along.

>”So you’ve found her, then?”

“Maybe.”

>Chrysalis rolls her eyes. “Of course...”

>The office is near the front of the building. When you arrive its door is already wide open, which you find rather odd.

>Regardless, you enter the room after a quick knock.

>The room looks... different. If you recall correctly, there was a big, fancy leather chair behind the office desk. Now there’s just some wheelie chair.

>Which is facing the other way. Chrysalis notices this immediately and calls out. “Mrs. Pie? Are you there?”

>Eerily, the chair turns 180 to face you. Sitting in the chair is Sue.

>She’s sitting sort of like a mafia’s godfather. There’s even a small baby alligator in her lap, which the mare’s petting sporadically. You can’t tell if it’s Gummy or someone else.

>”Hello, Queen Chrysalis. Welcome to my office.”

>There’s a moment of silence, during which your marefriend glances over to you sceptically.

“Um... hello. We’ve been looking for you.”

>She nods. “Mhm. What can I do for you?”

>Chrysalis takes over from here. “We need to send a message to that little changeling hive ‘downstairs.’”

>The mare frowns. “Hm.”

“Yeah, and we’ve been told that your husband is the only one they’ll take any messages from.”

>”That is correct.”

>Silence.

>The changeling queen speaks up. “We aren’t expecting you to do this for nothing, obviously. We have brought a... gift which I’m sure will persuade you to our cause.”

>You lift up the grey box, taking a few steps toward her. Her tiny alligator hops out of her lap and snatches it away from you.

>Box in hooves, she opens it up. It’s hard to tell if she’s interested.

>”Alright. I suppose I can make this work.”

>Chrysalis forces a smile. “Pleasure doing business...”

>The pony shrugs. “Don’t get your hopes up. Clyde is pretty stingy about this sort of thing.”

>”What sort of thing?”

>You blink, glancing to the doorway, Chrysalis mirroring your movements. There stands, yep, Clyde.

>He walks in, ignoring you. “Oh, you know,” says his wife.

>Sue looks over to you. “If you’ll excuse us.”

“Right. Let us know how it goes. C’mon, Chrys...”

>She follows you out and away from the office, leading her over to the living room.

>There’s a couch and, oh look, Clyde’s fancy leather chair. You still wonder where the hell he got it from.

>Perhaps it’s imported? You’ll never know.

>The room is fairly empty, but there’s at least a TV. You suggest Chrys just chill out here.

>”No, I’ll pass. There’s nothing on anyway. Besides, we need to talk.”

“...Chrysalis, are we still going on about that? It was a joke.”

>”Pshaw! Oprah Whinneyfree has made clear that men are incapable of telling jokes. Who was it, Anon?” Yeah, okay Chrys.

“Captain Planet. I’m going to check on Ditto.”

>The mare glares at you from her comfy seat on the couch, but thankfully doesn’t immobilize you with her magic.

>Upstairs the building is in some manner of disarray, mostly become Ditto’s drones are trying and failing to be competent.

>The room they got lumped in has been evacuated while the commander does something for Inkie’s victim.

>You’re about to make your way over to said room when Blinkie walks out, a handsaw in her mouth.

>It happens to have a lot of... red... stuff...

>Oh god, what? While the changeling looked bad, it can’t possibly be that bad...

>The mare notices your horror, since she’s going your way. “Anon?”

“Uh, hi. I didn’t know you were a doctor?”

>She blushes. “Er, no. I just happen to have the nurse outfit and since I’m playing the part...”

“I was more referring to the saw. Is it really that bad in there?”

>The pony blinks. “Eh...?” Her eyes drift down to the saw, and how supposedly blood covered it is.

>”Oh, no! Nononono! This is ketchup. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to open those without thumbs.”

>...

>Right. Okay then. Sure.

“Yes... I can imagine. Mind if I squeeze by?”

>She doesn’t mind at all, moving to the side so you can squeeze past her without getting all ketchuped.

>Why she needs ketchup in there? No one knows for sure. But you intend on finding out.

>Arriving at the door, you see one of the changelings look up at you.

“Yes?”

>”Um... Hi.”

>You lower the hand which was about to knock on the door.

“Can I help you?”

>”You don’t remember me, do you?”

“Not particularly. You guys have this nasty habit of looking identical.”

>”...Yes. We do.”

>You raise your hand to knock on the door but you’re cut off again.

>”But, I suppose that’s not really our fault. I mean, us changelings have always looked the same. It’s sort of an intimidation thing, right? So we can scare our enemies by appear as an endless horde of clones or something.”

“Mhm.”

>”Though, it does cause a lot of problems with more social things, definitely. I’m pretty sure most civilians solve it by wearing hats. At least that’s what I hear Alpha Hive has been doing.”

“Uh huh.”

>”Yeah, I’ve never been to Alpha Hive. I’m from Delta myself! Great place to grow up, trust me. If you ever have some foals that’s where I recommend you raise them!”

“Aren’t you on duty or something?”

>”Not really. The commander wants us to just stay out of his way while he finishes bandaging up the corporal. Or is he a private now? None of us ever manage to hang on to our promotions very long. What rank are you, anyway? Probably really high since you’re always with the queen and stuff—“

“Supreme Commodore of Stop-Bothering-Me.”

>Before he can start up again, you lean in to knock on the fabulous oak door.

>Just as it opens up. Damnit fate, stop that...

>Out comes the commander.

>”Hiya, commander! Sir!” The changeling smiles. Ditto does not smile back at him, barely even giving him a glance before looking up at you.

>”Anonymous?”

“Hey. Chrys and I dealt with the thing.”

>”Good.” He turns to the changeling but continues talking to you. “I’m glad knowing that somep0ny here is capable of getting some work done.”

>His minion shrinks away. “Um... I’m going... to uh... things. Bye!” He buzzes off.

“How’s the... corporal?”

>”Private. And he’ll be fine. Just a flesh wound, you see.”

“Right...”

>”Don’t worry. Horns grow back. As do wings. And livers. It just takes time.”

>You raise an eyebrow at him, the changeling just looking at you with a pokerface that might one day rival your own.

“If you say so. Should we check on Chrys?”

>”Lead the way, ‘commodore.’”

>Rolling your eyes, you lead the way back downstairs with the commander, taking a seat beside Chrysalis. Blinkie is also here, her nurse outfit still on for reasons unknown.

>It occurs to you that this TV is absolutely tiny. It’s one of those black and white ones with two channels.

>Pinkie joins the group a little later. From the looks of it, she seems to have heard some things she’d rather not heard.

>It’s kind of creepy that Pinkie of all ponies would ever be so... rustled.

>When you ask her about it, she just tells you that her parents are very involved in their negotiations.

>Very, very involved. Knee deep even.

>This does a good job at grossing out the entire room. Even Chrysalis is squicked.

“Thank you for that completely unwanted explanation of the Pie family diplomatic practices.”

>”No problem. I’ll send my bill in the mail.”

>Ditto sighs, shaking his head.

>A little later Inkie shows up from somewhere. She’s got on some sort of makeup for god knows why. She also decides to come up to you.

>The pony takes a seat beside you, instead of beside, oh, you don’t know, her siblings, leaning in close.

>Really, really close. You give her a look.

>But it’s nowhere near as upset as the one Chrys gives her. The pony speaks. “Heeey, Anon. How you doin’?”

“...What?”

>The mare hops onto your lap, giving you what can only be described as a bedroom duckface. Yeah, you have no idea.

“Inkie, can I help you?”

>”Only if you let me help you first.”

>Ditto is dumbfounded by the display. He turns to Pinkie and Blinkie, who simply shrug.

>Chrysalis is not so content to sit and watch though. “What do you think you’re doing?”

>It’s obvious the changeling queen is trying very hard not to scream at her. It’s not working.

>Inkie smirks. “Oh, you know... Just having some fun. Anon loooves fun.”

“...What?”

>”No, I’m pretty sure you’re trying to upset me. And it’s working. Get off of /my/ colt.”

>She rolls her eyes, placing a hoof on your chest. “I think that’s for Anon to decid—“

>You in fact, decide. By pushing her off of you. She lands on the floor with a thud.

“Inkie, please go.”

>She glares at you. “Ugh, you’re no fun!” The pony quickly gets up rushes away.

>Chrysalis nods approvingly at your actions. “Good human. You’ve made the right choice.”

“Mhm. See? You have no reason not to trust me.”

>”Eh. I’m not convinced. Just because Inkie’s a no doesn’t mean Blinkie is too.” The queen gives the ‘nurse’ an evil eye. Blinkie has no idea what either of you are talking about.

>It’s probably better that way.

>Either way, there’s nothing to do now but wait. Inkie does come back eventually after cleaning off the eyeliner she put on for some reason.

>She brought some sort of... drink. You can’t call it wine, despite the bottle. No wine smells that... strong.

>You predicted that just a whiff of that stuff would be enough to give even Chrys a nice buzz. Safe to say, you make sure she doesn’t have any.

>With her all angry and sceptical of you, as women often get, it would undoubtedly end poorly for everyone.

>But mostly you.

-

>That evening the agents came by with the draft letter they apparently were told to make.

>You don’t remember them being told to do so, but Ditto might have given the orders when you were looking for Sue earlier.

>Either way, everything is set up. Mostly. You’re still waiting on the owners of this lovely house to show up.

>While you played the waiting game, Chrysalis quickly became tired enough that normally she’d take a nap.

>Thankfully, or, well, unfortunately, the smell of whatever Inkie is drinking made it impossible for her to do so. When her first bottle was empty, she went and brought out a case of new ones.

>When you finally asked the grey pony what the hell she was drinking, she just said it was ‘pirate brew’ and left it at that.

>Smells the part, at least. Don’t most pirate drinks have stuff like sawdust and sulphuric acid in them?

>Whatever. You’re not touching that shit.

>That doesn’t stop Inkie from offering everyone some.

>Finally, though, Sue showed up, smelling fresh as a daisy. She had on some sort of bath robe and probably just showered.

>She also had on some pretty socks that were just small enough for her to get on, though they covered her entire legs.

>The pony took maybe two steps into the room and gagged. “Inkie! Didn’t we tell you to stop making that foul drink?”

>The pony blinks. “Er... yes. And I did! This is just the leftover from last year! Honest!”

>Pinkie shakes her head. “For /shame/, Inkie! Lying to your own mother’s face!”

“Yeah, come on. Didn’t they raise you better than that?”

>You couldn’t help but jump on her for whatever the hell that random act of... whatever was. Revenge is a dish best served regularly.

>”Shut up, Anon, you don’t even know.”

>Her mother rolls her eyes. “I don’t know what you’ve been up to in Ponyville, but I don’t like it. Anyhow, Anonymous, Clyde will send as many messages as you like. Just pass them on to him when you’re ready.”

>Chrysalis smiles weakly. “Great. Agent... something or other... send the message...” She yawns.

>Sue raises an eyebrow at you. “Is she alright?”

”She’s fine. Just a little tired.”

>You look about the room and then realize every other changeling is out cold, even Ditto.

“I’ll uh, get that letter then.”

>You get up from your seat and take the piece of paper from the passed out special agent who’s disguised as Blinkie.

>Sue takes it from you. “I’ll hoof this over to him. You... try not to choke.”

“Too late.”

>She leaves, and, once the room is sure she’s out of earshot, everyone gives Inkie a glare, even the half awake Chrysalis.

>”What?”

>Blinkie rolls her eyes. “Don’t give us that! You know what!”

>Inkie shrugs. “It’s good stuff. Cherry flavour even.”

>You reach down and attempt to pick up the changeling spies, but only manage to get one of them off the ground.

>These things weigh a lot more when they’re transformed...

“Pinkie, can you get Ditto? Chrys, think you can get the other guy?”

>Blinkie cuts in, “I’ll get him. Or her. I’m not actually sure.”

“Suit yourself. Let’s get out of here. It reeks of piracy.”

>Inkie shakes her head. “Lightweights...”

-

>The next day, Chrysalis woke up with a painful hangover.

>And since you share a bed, you get to suffer just as much as she does.

>”Damnit, Anon! Why didn’t you stop me?”

“It couldn’t be helped.”

>”Yes it could have! Anon, whyyyy!?”

>The changeling groans in agony, holding her head in her hooves. “This is all your fault!”

>You reach over to the poor, poor queen, pulling her into a hug.

“Come on, Chrys. You’ll be fine.”

>She grumbles angrily. “I’m still mad at you for cheating on me...”

>You roll your eyes.

“Chrys, I didn’t cheat on you. There was no hot date. It was a joke. Come on, give me a break.”

>”Was it that messenger? I know she’s apparently obsessed with you.”

“No, Chrysalis...”

>”I’m going to find out one of these days.”

“Maybe.”

>She sighs. “I know you’re hiding something from me...”

>The changeling leans in, finally returning the hug.

>And then of course the door bursts open, one of Ditto’s drones flying over and landing on the bed. He salutes.

>”Your majesty! We have a, um, message! From those guys!”

>Chrysalis blinks, wiggling away from you. “Those guys? Elaborate, drone.”

>”The Tau things! Sir! Majesty!”

“...You know, you could have knocked.”

>The drone blinks, glancing over to you. Then to the queen. He’s not sure what to think.

>Chrysalis doesn’t let him dig himself deeper. “Don’t get any ideas. Now, can you explain why /you/ are telling me this instead of, oh I don’t know, somep0ny with a brain?”

>”B-But I have a brain...”

“A small one. Answer the question.”

>Your collective insults however have had a profound effect on the drone, who proceeds to tear up. “My brain isn’t small! I’m a smart changeling!”

>Chrysalis reaches over, patting him on the head. “I’m sure. Now, what happened to Ditto?”

>The drone sits down. “He’s asleep... We can’t wake him up, so I came to... tell you. I’m sorry!” The fellow begins to cry, his tears pouring out like fountains.

>It’s a little melodramatic. Just a little.

>Chrysalis shakes her head, face palming. “Why can’t I just have smart troops?”

“Your mother is probably hogging them. Don’t worry, I’m sure these guys will...”

>You look over at the pathetic excuse for a soldier who is sobbing onto your comfortable bed. Everything is getting wet...

“Never mind...”

-

>A few hours later, you and Chrysalis, after, in your case, changing into something not soaked from the thighs down, are more or less ready to go meet the mysterious Tau Hivers.

>Unfortunately, Ditto is still a bit out of it. That crap Inkie was drinking is really, really strong.

“You sure you don’t want to sit this out? I’m sure Chrys and I can handle this.”

>”No. I need to go.” He looks back at the entirety of the Pie family. Of them, only Blinkie and Pinkie actually seem concerned. Clyde is just looking all stoic as usually.

>Inkie of course, is grinning malevolently.

>Typical.

“If you say so...”

>Clyde looks over at you. “I trust you remember the way?”

>Chrysalis rolls her eyes. “I’m a changeling, in case you haven’t noticed. I think I know my way around a tunnel or two.”

>He shrugs. “If you say so.”

>With that out of the way, you proceed with the changeling queen down into the Pie family mine, the entrance of which is near the city’s namesake, the ‘stone falls.’

>Which, as the name suggests, is a dry riverbed full of rocks which periodically fall off a cliff down into a bigger pile in another dried riverbed.

>Why they’d name the town after it, no one knows.

>As you follow Chrysalis deeper into the mildly lit tunnels, you quickly see why Clyde asked so many times if you were sure where to go.

>In practically every direction you saw another random corridor leading deeper into the mine.

>However, Chrysalis proves more than capable of traversing the depths, and soon enough you’re at the bottom level and en route to some sort of ‘neutral zone.’

>With little to discuss, your queen decides to point out all the design fallacies the lovely mine shafts have.

>You don’t really care much, and eventually resort to tuning her out.

>That is, until you arrive in a big open space. On your side, things look much the same as the path you came.

>But the other side is completely different. There’s only one tunnel leading foreward, with two large pillars presumably holding it up. The big poles of stone are heavily decorated with fancy symbols which you figure depict some sort of event, though from your position you’re unable to make them out.

>”Looks like we’re here, then.” You nod at her.

>The commander, who, thankfully, seems to be back to normal, takes a few steps forward, taking in the surroundings.

>”Perhaps we should have brought the agents as well...”

“I doubt it’ll come to that.”

>The commander shrugs, uncertain. Chrysalis however, is not worried.

>”Come now. I’m much more powerful than any silly Tau nobles. There’s nothing to worry about.”

>Some time passes in relative silence. With nothing else to do, you go through your jacket’s numerous pockets.

>You can’t recall why Rarity decided to give you this much room, but you can’t complain.

>On maybe the 17th pocket you find a box, inside of which is a deck of cards. Well, isn’t that useless?

>Despite the lack of value in your find, you still decide to shuffle them. It’s better than standing around.

>Finally, after an hour or so of waiting, a small group of foreign looking changelings show up.

>Two are obviously bodyguards of some sort, though instead of wearing the purpleish armour Ditto has, they’re wearing some sort of samurai getup.

>The changeling they’re supposed to be protecting is wearing a similar robe thing, though he’s missing the helmet. For some reason he’s decided to grow a Fu Manchu, which you’re pretty sure isn’t possible.

>The odd part about the leader, however, is the fact that, unlike the 200-year-old virgin running Epsilon Hive, this fellow is no taller than Ditto. Since when did drones rule hives?

>”You are from the Swarm?”

>Chrysalis nods. “And you’re of Tau.”

>He nods back. “Come. We have much to discuss.”

>The drone-leader, who had barely left his side of room’s tunnel, immediately turns and walks off, his guards following suit. That’s your cue...

>”Off we go, then. Come, let’s make a deal.”

“Sounds good to me.”

>Chrys takes the lead down the poorly lit changeling tunnel. While you’re sure the changelings with you can see just fine, you’re having just a little bit of trouble.

>It’s definitely not the brightly lit underground highway that Epsilon Hive uses...

>The little you can see is covered in similar carvings to the two pillars out front. They’re definitely showing something.

>Perhaps if you’re ever back in this little place you’ll take a moment to check them all out.

>But probably not.

>Eventually the stuff tunnel opens out to a still small alcolve of sorts. On the far end are more stoic guards who are standing guard in front of some sort of gate.

>The guy running the Tau show isn’t going that way, though, instead bringing you into what you can only assume is a barracks or other guardhouse.

>Chrysalis finds this peculiar, raising an eyebrow at the building before walking inside.

>After some more walking you arrive in what is best described as a war room. The foreign ruler takes a seat on a blue chair on the other side of the room.

>Solid blue, at that. It’s just a little weird.

>He looks the three of you over, his face not really showing any real emotion. Who knows what he’s thinking?

>Chrysalis takes a seat on a... red chair. There’s only the one, so you and Ditto are left standing.

>”Your message came at a most lucky time.”

>He’s got this weird Asian accent. It’s nothing particularly distinctive, he just sounds... eastern.

>It matches his outfit at least.

>Chrysalis raises an eyebrow. “Oh? How so?”

>”The message arrived in one of our yearly celebrations. In this particular one, noble Tau changelings are to perform random acts of kindness to their neighbours.”

>Alright?

>He continues. “I assure you, the glorious Tau Empire would otherwise not agree to meet with a representative from such a /dishonourable/ swarm. Now, what do you want?”

>Chrysalis glares at him. “We want your ‘glorious’ empire to join the changeling swarm. I’m pretty sure our message made that clear.”

>The changeling rolls his eyes. “The mighty Tau are aware of such silly requests. Obvious the Tau changelings are not interested in joining such a tyrannical state. Our reputation would be forever destroyed. No.”

>Said ‘tyrannical’ ruler is quickly getting fed up. “You know, I don’t have to sit here and take all these insults. I could very easily conquer your little empire if I felt like it...”

>The diplomat shakes his head. “Impossible. The Tau are an invincible fighting force. Every member of the hive is fully trained in all forms of hoof to hoof and magical combat. An attack on Tau cannot succeed.”

>Ditto rolls his eyes. You would too, but you’re busy shuffling the deck of cards.

>Chrysalis looks at the drone-leader as though he had sprouted an extra head or four. “You’re kidding, right?”

>”No. Tau is invincible.”

>The changeling queen looks to you. “Is he kidding, Anonymous?”

“Nah. He just doesn’t know any better.”

>The foreigner gawks at you, but surprisingly begins to laugh. “Ha. Ha... You are a funny one. Strange creature who shuffles cards. Thinking the Tau don’t know anything.”

“You think your Hive is impregnable. That’s silly. Any fort can be taken.”

>”Not ours, creature. The Tau are perfect in every way. We have persisted for millennia! None can conquer Tau, not in combat or anything else!”

>Chrysalis laughs. “Is that a fact? Because I’m pretty sure my friend here can best any one of you in a certain little game...” She points to you as she says this, specifically at your cards.

>Is she implying what you think she’s implying?

>The diplomat fellow glares at her, pointing an accusatory hoof toward her. “Impossible! State your challenge, dishonourable Changeling Swarm!”

>Chrysalis flinches away slightly, looking at the appendage. “First of all, I’m Chrysalis. While I rule the swarm, I’m not the swarm incarnate. Only French griffons do that. And griffons are stupid.”

>”State your challenge!”

“Play poker with me. If we win you join us. If you win...”

>”When the Tau defeat the dishonourable Changeling Swarm, they will destroy the troublesome farm which sits upon our territory. We, the Tau, would destroy it, but without a casus belli, it would be dishonourable.”

>Ditto rolls his eyes once again. “And since we are already dishonourable it won’t matter to us?”

>The diplomat smiles. “Correct. While you are eternally shamed for your historical transgressions, you are at least not stupid, dishonourable Changeling Swarm commander.”

>Chrys just looks at him. After a moment she shakes her head. “...You really do talk quickly. You should slow down next time.”

>”Does the dishonourable Changeling Swa—“

>You cut in, rubbing your temples. [spoiler][/spoiler]”How about that card game? Who’s going to be playing on behalf of the ‘great and powerful’ Tau?”

>”I, Prevarice, the honourable daimyo of Tau, shall fetch your opponent. As you are dishonourable, you may not enter the great Tau Hive’s walls. Wait here.”

>He gets out of his chair and quickly rushes off, wearing an impossibly smug grin.

>Unfortunately for him, he has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.

“So, how long do you think this will take?”

>Ditto shrugs. “Depends on how long he takes to get back. Maybe another 5 minutes on top of that.”

>Chrysalis smiles. “Oh, I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he loses everything!”

“And the look on your mother when we tell her what happened. Right, Chrys?”

>She blinks. “Oh yes.” The changeling queen grins, chuckling to herself. “Everything is coming together now.”

>”Excellent.” The queen turns to Ditto, who’s staring up at her.

>”Yes, Ditto?”

>”We need to talk about those recruits.”

>You smile to yourself as Ditto makes his formal complaint about the untrainable drones that he ended up with. Despite his best efforts all of them remained pretty much entirely braindead.

>Chrys sighs. “I’ll do something about them later. Right now I think we have a game to play.”

>From the doorway you hear the ‘daimyo’s’ voice. “That is correct.”

-

>A little later you were brought to another room in the little fortress. Inside the room was a large table and what appears to be a very old poker set in the box sitting on it.

>No doubt it was stolen from the ponies many years ago.

>The diamyo leads you in, gesturing to a pillow chair. “You will sit here.”

“Alrighty then.”

>You walk past him, sitting down where he asked. It’s a bit uncomfortable but you’ll get used to it eventually.

>Chrysalis and Ditto snatch up some seats on the sidelines, smiling at you.

>Prevarice looks over to the door... No, he’s looking at the guard beside the door. Like all the others he’s perfectly stoic.

>You notice that Ditto is examining the changeling’s posture. What is on that commander’s mind?

>”Bring forth the champion of Tau!”

>The soldier nods, walking out. He returns maybe a minute later with the champion.

>Silence fills the room as the guard walks in another changeling. A very small changeling.

>Why is he so small? Probably because he’s a colt. Or filly. You can’t really tell.

>Chrysalis brings a hoof up, suppressing a laugh. Her defences quickly fail, as before your ‘opponent’ can even sit down she’s laughing her ass off.

>Prevarice glares at her. “You underestimate our champion. He is the most skilled cards player in the entirety of Tau, and thus the world. Your fate is sealed!”

>Chrysalis stops, looking at him. She then continues laughing.

>The colt takes a seat on the pillow chair across from you, but, being so small, is unable to actually see up the table.

>The daimyo fixes this with a flick of some lever which you hadn’t seen, the seat raising up so the colt can actually see you.

>He puts on a game face, though it is not very confident.

>Smiling, Prevarice begins making his way out. Ditto frowns at this. “You’re leaving?”

>”I need not stay and watch your assured defeat. Alert the guard upon our victory.”

>He walks out and the guard quietly closes the door.

>Chrysalis is finally getting a hold of herself. “Oh, this is rich. RICH! They’re sending a colt to play poker against Anonymous! Tau must be out of its mind!”

>The colt shrinks away. “I’m very good! Honest!”

>You shrug. We’ll see, kid. We’ll see.

>The guard takes a position, raising the deck of cards. He deals.

“Well then. Let the games begin.”

>They begin. And will probably end at this rate.

>The changeling colt you were pitted against, while definitely capable of playing the game, had pretty much no confidence, and thus a shitty pokerface.

>You could very easily determine if he had a good hand and thus fold and avoid losing many chips.

>Unfortunately for him, he had no idea about when you had a good hand, and made a number of blunders that pretty much fucked him over entirely.

>Confident that this hand will finish him, you bet.

“You know, you can give up any time. We both know how this is going to end.”

>”N-No... I can’t give up! I’ll get in trouble.” He wearily looks to the guard, who seems content to stare at the empty space between Chrysalis’s shoulders and Ditto’s head.

“I won’t judge you if you quit.”

>He shakes his head, checking his cards. “Tau doesn’t quit...”

>From the stands, Chrysalis rolls her eyes. “Look, you, you’ve lost. As your soon to be monarch, I’m telling you to quit. Nothing will come of it.”

>He tries to glare at her. But it doesn’t come out as anything more than a scared glance.

>”N-No...”

>Like the drunkard fool at the college frat party, he doesn’t know when to quit. Oh well. He’ll learn soon enough, though.

>His horn lights up and pushes some chips in. “A-All in.”

>Shrugging, you match his bet.

“Let’s see ‘em, then.”

>Tossing your cards lazily forward, they land beside the 3 cards the emotionless dealer handed out. Full House, son.

>The changeling pauses, looking at your hand. He looks up at you, big teal eyes shaking.

“Looks like that’s game.”

>You turn to the dealer. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Fetch Prevarice. I think Chrysalis wants to tell him personally.”

>”...”

>The guard gets up and walks out. When you look back to the colt, he’s vanished.

“Ditto?”

>”Under the table, on your right.”

>You lean over, the youngster cowering in terror. You reach over, poking him.

>He immediately jumps and scurries away. Chrysalis rolls her eyes, and with a little magic snatches up the colt and pulls him over to her. His little legs continue running in place, despite them not connecting with any ground.

>When he sees Chrysalis’ fed up look, his limbs go stiff.

>”Look, you. You just lasted maybe 10 minutes in a poker match with probably the best poker player in the world. Be happy.”

>”B-But the Daimyo...”

>As you walk over Chrysalis rolls her eyes. “He’s probably going to be out a job pretty soon. I don’t need ultranationalists cluttering up my legions.”

>Taking a seat beside the queen, the little changeling slowly glances between you and Chrys. He’s still shivering.

>Sighing, Chrysalis floats him over to you, dropping him onto your head.

“Chrys?”

>”You could use a hat.”

>Shaking your head, you look up to the tiny changeling now messing up your hair. “S-Sorry.”

>He’s not look down at you, though. He’s looking at Prevarice in the door.

>Chrysalis bursts out laughing. The daimyo on the other hand looks just about ready for an aneurysm or five. Pfffhahaha!

-

>A day or so later you were on your way back to Ponyville.

>The changeling daimyo of Tau Hive had a mental breakdown shortly after he was made aware that his champion was defeated.

>It got so bad that you’re pretty sure he’s not going to be running anything for quite some time.

>Either way, after a chat with the actual changeling in charge of Tau Hive, the so called ‘Empress,’ a deal quickly was brokered. Since, you know, you won the duel.

>Still, though. Tau Hive, as it turned out, was in utter disrepair due to a lovely little embargo by everyone and everything nearby it.

>The Pie family cockblocking their access to a vein of gold (which was why they were so prosperous in the first place) didn’t make things any better.

>Hopefully once the Swarm builds a long ass tunnel over there things will work out fine.

>Though you still wonder what happened to that little colt. For one reason or another you had yet to run into any other changeling children.

>Perhaps they’re being hidden away by scared parents. If you brought that guy over to Ponyville, or even up to Clyde’s house, you’re certain he’d be suffocated by the local mares’ ‘dawww’s and whatnot.

>So now you’re on your way home.

>And, to Ditto’s pleasure, he even managed to strike a deal with Clyde.

>While the miner is still probably a bit miffed that he can’t have his kids back, he was still willing to take four of Ditto’s drones in return for the special agents.

>Who, thank god, stopped walking around like Inkie and Blinkie.

>Man was not meant to deal with more than one of each. Especially not in such large doses.

>So now you’re on your way home.

>Chrysalis walks up beside you, looking out the window. “So, Anon...”

“Yes, Chrys?”

>”Who was your hot date anyway?”

>You laugh, shaking your head.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

>”Try me.”