Anon and Chrysalis Ch 30 - Act 1

A/N

This only took 4 fucking months...

Special thanks to Navarone, my editor, and Sawhorse, the guy who makes all the fanart.

Contact: [email protected]

Version 3.0 as of Nov 23, 9:15pm

 

The Marvellous Mishaps of Anon and Chrysalis

Chapter 30: Because you still owe me that TV, Chrysalis

Act 1: Hymn of the ‘This-Took-Way-Too-Long-To-Write’

 

>A few days have passed since your run-in with the mother of your heart’s desire.

>Despite her effectively putting a halt on any potential upgrade on your relationship, you still have hope.

>Everyone has their price, after all. You just have to figure out what it is.

>Unfortunately, your support group isn’t exactly great at determining things.

>Rainbow Dash, for starters, was more inclined to just knock some sense into the ex-Queen. Literally.

>You couldn’t help but think her reaction was just a tiny bit forced.

>Regardless, you weren’t going to set the Dash loose on Cocoona just yet. Diplomacy always comes first.

>Except when it doesn’t.

>And here you are, a few days later, making one of your trademarked egg and cheese sandwiches.

>Not for you, of course. You already ate. This sandwich was royal property.

>To your dismay, Chrysalis had taken to hiding away in her office to do all manner of paperwork.

>It was curious, though, that none of these sheets of slightly green-tinted paper ever left that room. Curious indeed.

>You feel it’s your duty as her consort/boyfriend/pet human to cheer her up. Without her, you’d have to no reason to even bother Cocoona.

>And, being said mare’s daughter, she would surely know a thing or to you could do to get her on your side.

>It wasn’t like Cocoona didn’t like anything or something silly like that.

>Right? Right.

>Plating the sandwich, you make your way over to the office, knocking politely on the door before immediately entering.

>Chrysalis glances to you and sighs. “Yes?”

“I brought you some lunch.”

>She looks to the plate, the smallest of smiles creeping onto her face. “Oh. Thank you.”

>You walk over, smiling yourself. Despite the setback, your feelings for the peculiar insect-horse-thing remain strong.

>Placing down the plate, you back away from the desk, leaning onto the closest wall.

>Chrysalis glances from the sandwich to you. “...Well?”

“Well?”

>Her look turns serious. “Well what is it? You obviously want something from me, Anon.”

>You chuckle. Had you made it that obvious?

“Alright, well, I want to know what we’re going to do.”

>She points to herself. “/We/ are going to continue our work. You... well, I don’t know. Go bother Ditto, maybe?”

“That’s not quite what I had in mind.”

>She rolls her eyes. “Well? Spit it out then.”

>You lean forward, off of the wall.

“I was thinking you and I could go do something. Together. You know, have some fun? You’ve been sitting in here for days.”

>She points to the pile of paper on the far side of the desk. They’re inside a little dish which has the words ‘IN’ printed neatly on it.

>”I wonder why.”

>You shake your head.

“Come on, Chrysalis. Live a little!”

>She narrows her eyes at you. “You know, Anon, this is what mother was talking about...”

>You cringe. The situation deteriorating, you decide to back off. Better luck next time...

“I’m just saying. All work and no play makes Chrysalis a tired mare.”

>She shrugs. “And all play with no work makes mother an angry one. Now, if you’ll excuse me...”

>Nodding, you quietly leave the room. There goes that afternoon.

>Or perhaps not. You glance across the too-spacious-for-your-liking foyer, spotting Derpy and Ditto talking about something in the corner.

>It would obviously make sense if it were in context, but by the looks of it, they’ve been at it a little while.

>No matter. You slowly walk over to them, to see what’s up.

>”Can you believe it, Ditto? How can they just tear that building down? It’s a part of their heritage!”

>Ditto shrugs. “Not everything can last forever, Derpy. Change is good, in the right quantities.”

>The mare sighs. “I guess. But still, I’m still upset. Manehattan won’t be the same without their giant cheese hat factory...”

>You what, mate?

>The mailmare shakes her head. “Well, I’ll see you later, I guess.”

>Derpy turns and walks right out, not even seeing you standing a couple feet away.

>Ditto does, though, as he is going the other way. “Hm? Anonymous?”

“Hey, Ditto. What’s all this about giant... cheese hats?”

>The Commander sighs. “Manehattan is tearing down the factory that made them to put in a soap factory or something. I honestly don’t really care.”

>You nod. It was indeed quite hard to care about giant cheese hats.

>Both of you stand idle for a few moments before the commander speaks up again.

>”So... Do you require assistance?”

>You smile a smile, similar to the one seen in every Dreamworks film ever. It just slightly unnerves the officer.

“Yeah. I do. Can you tell about Cocoona?”

>Ditto narrows his eyes. “If I recall correctly, Anon, did Chrysalis not tell you only a few days ago to not bother her mother about your wedding.”

>You smile, a bit hopefully. [spoiler][/spoiler]”I don’t recall her saying anything about me asking you about her, Ditto.”

>”We both know why you want to know, though, and I will not do anything that I know will get you in trouble. Her majesty is stressed enough as is.”

“Don’t worry, I’m more than capable of taking what she has to dish out. Come, let’s have a chat over here.”

>You gesture to your living room door, but the commander stays put when you begin walking toward it.

>”Anon...”

“Ditto, come on. You know this will make things better.”

>The commander shrugs, uncertain. “Perhaps. But it could also make it much worse. I think it is best to, for now, follow Chrysalis’ plan.”

“Personally, I’m not a fan of ‘Sit around until she calls me.’ I’d rather grab the bull by the horns.”

>Your saying is apparently foreign to the commander. ”Cocoona has one horn.”

“That’s beyond the point, Ditto. What I’m saying is, if we sit around, it could be months, even years before she bothers to ask us anything. She’s not going to confront us anytime soon, so I have to.”

>Ditto shakes he head. “Or, you could wait for Chrysalis to be ready to confront her with you. Look, Anon, I cannot condone you trying to do this alone. Your plans generally don’t work and you know it.”

“What? When have my plans not worked?”

>He gives you the look. The look you get when you ask something really, really obvious.

“Fine! I’ll ask someone else.”

>Annoyed, you storm off, heading downstairs into your basement. Ditto sighs.

>What was he going to do with that human?

-

>Downstairs was much the same as what your old home’s downstairs had become.

>That being, tunnels, tunnels everywhere.

>When the lovely commander Ditto learned that Cocoona had, more or less, walked into your home completely undetected, the commander set out to improve the security of the place.

>Rather drastically, at that. Most of the local outposts had been dismantled and put on the so called second basement floor, which had direct access to a long network on lit up tunnels.

>Perhaps in the future you’ll be able to get a cab here too. Bah.

>Walking down the long passage, you enter the little ‘loading area’ for carriages and the like, making a left into the base proper.

>It was still, according to Ditto, barely a base at all, but with around 6 little changeling troopers bumbling about.  You still considered it a bit much.

>Hotel Anonymous was officially open for business, it seems. Perhaps you’ll rent out your spare bedrooms too.

>Oh yes, you’re sure Fluttershy would fit right in. You roll your eyes.

>The troopers nearby glance toward you as you continue your bitter march of mild disappointment. You sarcastically wave at them, with a politician’s smile and everything.

>However, you pause. While they definitely weren’t officers, perhaps they knew something about Cocoona that you could use to your advantage?

>Hell, it’s worth a shot.

>Taking a detour, you approach the enigmatic fellows, who by now are focusing once again on their work.

>Which is, shockingly enough, nothing at all.

>You silently cringe. It seems all the good troopers went home to Alpha Hive. No matter.

>Standing a few pony’s lengths away from one, you call out to him. He turns to you. “Hm? Do you need something?”

“Just a little something. I was hoping you could answer some questions.”

>The changeling narrows his eyes. “Depends. Does it have to do with cheese?”

>You blink, raising an eyebrow. What? No, nothing about cheese.

“Uh, no. Don’t worry.”

>The changeling nods. “Good! I’ve had it up to here with the cheese jokes!” He raises a hoof up to make his point.

>You frown. Who’s making cheese jokes around here? Actually, never mind. You have things to do.

>Seeing a place to sit nearby, you sit down and begin asking the little trooper some questions.

>Nothing really specific; just about the old queen. What she does, what she likes, those sort of things.

>”Look, uh...”

“Anon.”

>”Right. Look, Mr. Anon, I don’t know. I’m just a soldier. They don’t pay me to think about these things.”

>You sigh. Makes sense. Otherwise, he’d be out of a job.

“Come on, surely you know something. What about Alpha Hive? What kind of food do they eat there?”

>The drone flinches away, “Um... love? I’ve never been to Alpha Hive...”

>Blah. This is not working, clearly. Perhaps there’s someone here with a brain who you can ask instead?

>You look around, only to see that all the other changelings here are gone.

“...Where’d your friends go?”

>The changeling blinks, looking about as well. “Uh... I don’t know.”

“No surprise there...”

>You rise from your stone cold stone seat and begin a search. Hopefully this fellow here won’t see fit to start coming upstairs to bother you now...

>...

>Great. That’s exactly what’s going to happen now. Excellent work, Anonymous.

>Ignoring it, you decide to try upstairs again. Perhaps Rainbow Dash is around or something. She’s great for planning—actually, no, let’s not starting lying to ourselves.

>Still, it would serve as a great distraction.

>Making your way out, you see a carriage parked neatly before the stairs up. The rest of the soldiers from before are greedily looting it, apparently trying to lay dibs on whatever equipment was inside.

>”Hey! They brought helmets!”

>You distance yourself from the ensuing tussle. They /really/ wanted those helmets.

>The changeling you ‘interviewed’ gasped, “No! I want one of those!” before rushing into the fray himself. Fun times.

>Either way, there was nothing for you to do here. For now, you’d wait.

-

>Another day brought another 24 hours of time to kill. You have gotten fairly used to this routine, sad to say.

>Chrysalis would just snuggle with you in bed for maybe half an hour before disappearing into her office. You’d make and bring her food for lunch and dinner, she’d come upstairs for bed and then the cycle repeated.

>Oh and you’d usually try to get her to come do something with you. That always failed, sadly.

>Rainbow Dash frowns, laying onto your couch as you rant and tell her your gripes about this exact routine.

>”Well... I don’t know. You’ve got no idea on how to make Cocoona happy—which I still think is stupid, Anon—and no way to get Chrys or Ditto to talk...”

“Exactly. I can’t just start mailing Cocoona flowers of something; for all we know she might be allergic.”

>She sits up, crossing her hooves. It looks as awkward as you’d expect.

>”Hm. Well, who else do we know that knows Chrysalis’ family?”

>You bitterly chuckle. [spoiler][/spoiler]”I don’t know. Nympha? That hardass Permanence? I haven’t exactly met all that many changelings.”

>Rainbow frowns, thinking. “...Doesn’t Permawhatever live like, twenty minutes from here?”

“He doesn’t like me, Rainbow.”

>She rolls her eyes. “Easily remedied. Come on, Anon, what do you have to lose? It’s not like you’re doing anything else today.”

>You look over to your TV, which is off. You glance over to the mediocre painting of yourself on your golden throne. You sigh, your eyes fixating back on the stylish rainbow pony.

“I suppose I don’t. But it’s twenty minutes by carriage. I personally doubt Ditto is going to just let me apprehend one of his carts so I can go yell at the swarm’s most joyless individual.”

>Rainbow smirks. “Don’t worry about Mr. Party, I can keep him busy.”

“Is that what we’re calling him now, Dashie?”

>”Would you prefer Mr. Pie?”

>You consider it. Eh. No. Sounds too much like Pinkie’s dad.

“Right. Well, I’ll go snatch up a carriage I guess. You have fun with changeling magic and stuff.”

>”Great! I’ll fetch Pinkie. Good luck with... What’s that guy’s name again?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

>She shrugs and zooms away. Wait. She’s going to fetch Pinkie?

>...

>Yeah, maybe its best you aren’t here. In fact, why not grab a drink for the return party?

>Oh wait. You don’t keep any alcohol here anymore. Fuck.

>Downstairs, things are just about the same as last time. Another carriage of miscellaneous stuff, another brawl to get the best of it.

>You feel bad for Commander Ditto. You wouldn’t want to try training these clowns either.

>Ignoring the angry cries of ‘This helmet is mine!’ and ‘Don’t touch my shoes!’ you slip over to the front of the carriage. There, you see a trio of changelings chatting.

>Two stallions with some mare. Good thing this isn’t some dark back alley!

>Half way there, though. Shaking your head, you approach. For whatever reason, the mare lights up when she sees you. “Hi, Anon!”

>You freeze, raising an eyebrow.

“...Do I know you?”

>Her bright expression immediately falls. “...You don’t remember me.”

“Nope.”

>She stamps the ground in frustration. “I’m Poly! Swarm’s fastest changeling! I beat that rainbow thing in a race a few weeks ago! How do you STILL not remember me?”

>Oh. Her.

“You only won that race because Rainbow Dash flew into a stop sign. Again. Also, hi.”

>You turn to the carriage pullers, who seem to ooze competence. Excellent.

“Are you guys heading to Epsilon Hive?”

>”Yes sir. Do you need a lift?” You smile, happily. Finally, some good customer service. You nod.

>The speaker turns to his companion, who nods. “Follow me, I’ll find you a spot.”

>He leads you over to the carriage, which has now been vacated by the bumbling soldiers. He gestures to the door. “I trust you can find a seat.”

>You can, and get in. The seats are not as good as the blinged out carriages Chrysalis always has, but they’ll do.

>A few moments later, and the cart pullers are hooked up and you’re on your way.

>”So... why are you heading to Epsilon Hive?”

>You flinch, looking down at the female changeling in the seat beside you. Is she seriously coming with you? Well... may as well have a little small talk.

“Business. You?”

>She leans over, to your dismay. “Oh, you know, things. I’m the royal messenger now!”

“You don’t say...”

>Isn’t that convenient? If Permanence falls through, perhaps Poly can help instead.

>In fact, since you’re here...

“Hey, Poly?”

>The changeling smirks, batting her eyelashes at you. “Yeees, Anon?”

“Could you tell me anything about Cocoona?”

>The mare grins. “Sure. If you, of course, do something for me.”

>She gives you a look. A sexual look. Haha, no.

“I don’t think that’s going to work.”

>”But you don’t know. Come on, I’ll take you for a wild ride!”

>You slowly raise a hand, planting it onto the mare’s chest.

>With a push, you easily slide her across the seat and away from you.

>She isn’t particular discouraged by your response, and continues to flirt with you for the rest of the ride.

>This little changeling should know you are not interested. She should also know who you just so happen to be in a relationship with.

>Unfortunately, she is either that thick or doesn’t care. Obviously she doesn’t realize you could get her fired with a word.

>Thankfully, she’s not going the same way as you are once you arrive in Epsilon Hive. You politely wave.

“Well, see you later.”

>You walk off, trying to not look like you’re running. Now that you’ve had a chance to ‘get to know’ her, she’s kind of a cross of Rainbow Dash and Fetishy.

>Weren’t you done with ponies like this a month or two ago?

>Actually, yes. You were. Now it’s time for changelings...

>Regardless, you quickly make your way over to the kind of castle that overlooks the cave settlement.

>You don’t run into very many changelings on the way, curiously enough.

>Reaching the top of the ‘hill’, you look out across the rest of the cave. This place had grown quite a bit since you were last here.

>You smile. That’s probably thanks to you, isn’t it?

>Thinking it through, you did kind of make peace between the Swarm and Equestria. And then that little thing with the dogs.

>These would be things you’d need to bring up when you next saw the fat ex-queen. It could definitely give you an edge.

>But, such a meeting won’t happen if you can’t get what’s-his-name to give you a hand.

>Turning around, you can plainly see the... Duke’s home.

>Was it Duke? You don’t really remember him ever saying specifically what title he held. You’ll have to ask.

>Unfortunately your search of the Duke’s home proves fruitless. He’s not home. And for whatever reason, neither are his guards. Whatever.

>Not wanting to get pestered by Poly again, you decide to just wait it out. He’ll come back eventually.

>An hour or so later, you hear the telltale sound of a changeling entering.

>Hopefully you won’t spook the guy too badly. While you don’t like him—and he probably doesn’t like you either—it would be best not to agitate him just yet.

>The probably Duke—or is it Count—walks right into the office you were sitting in. You had previously turned your chair around so he’d see you immediately.

>The noble’s face immediately falls when he sees you, not to say it was particularly high to begin with.

>”...What are you doing in my office?”

“I was hoping we could have an appointment.”

>He gives you a look. “Really?”

>You nod, giving him a smile.

>He rolls his eyes, walking past you to his side of the office. Now that you think about it, this place looks eerily similar to Chrysalis’ office back home...

>Permanence takes a seat. “Fine. What do you want, human?”

“Anon will be fine. And, well, you know Cocoona, right?”

>Permanence gives you another look. “What about her?”

“I need to chat with her. Can you hook me up?”

>Permanence frowns. “Why are you asking /me/ to do this?”

“...Why not?”

>The fellow stands up and begins walking out, “The last time I checked, you live with my queen. Ask her?”

“I can’t ask her. Look, Perm, you’re the only one who can set this up. I need to talk to Cocoona.”

>He narrows his eyes. “Don’t call me ‘Perm.’ Also, why should I put myself at risk for /you?/ Do you not know who Cocoona is?”

“I can make it worth your while.”

>He shakes his head, rising up from his seat. “I don’t have time for this...”

>You get up as well, not about to let him walk off.

“Come on, what is it you want?”

>The stallion snorts, “There is nothing you have that I want, nor nothing you can give me.”

>You cross your arms, unconvinced. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Try me.”

>He laughs, a bit nervous that you won’t leave. “No. Go away.”

“Come on. Don’t be shy.”

>The changeling cringes, “No! Remove yourself from my office!”

>Shrugging, you walk right on out. He sighs, shaking his head as you do.

>Within five minutes he’s out of the room himself. “I really need a new job...”

“I could help with that, if you’d like.”

>You’ll never forget the ridiculous shriek the ruler of Epsilon Hive let out. It took everything you had not laugh at the poor guy.

>Permanence quickly composes himself. “Why are you still here?”

“You asked me to leave your office, not the building. Come on, Permanence, what is it you want? I’m a lot more competent than you think.”

>”Anonymous, I do not want your help!”

“But perhaps you need it?”

>He looks away from you, mumbling something.

“I beg your pardon?”

>Shaking his head, he sighs. “You know what? Fine.” He glares at you.

>A pause.

“Well?”

>”...I don’t want to tell you here. Come.”

>He marches past you, stopping before the stairs. “Well?”

>Leaning off the wall, you follow him up the spinning spiral staircase, down the hall and into what you can only guess is his... bedroom?

>Woah, what. What’s going on here?

“Now, look here, Perm, I don’t really think Chry—“

>The changeling looks to you, horrified. “What? No! Nonono! No! I don’t—Stop! Don’t even think that! I am... urgh!” He shivers.

>You cross your arms. With such an over the top response, it was unsurprising that you’d be suspicious.

>Noticing this, the changeling clears his throat and regains his composure. “Moving on...”

>He looks over to a desk, levitating a little scroll and a quill over to himself, the quill dipping itself in a pot of ink on its way over.

>Permanence scribbles some things onto the paper, rolls it up, and floats it over to you.

“No words?”

>”I’d rather not discuss it. Now, what is it you want from Cocoona?” He glances away, not making eye contact as you roll open the scroll.

>You read it, only somewhat surprised at the contents.

>Permanence is not exactly great with the mares, as Chrysalis had told you long ago. That clearly is not just a rumour; Permanence is asking you for a little help.

“...You want a marefriend?”

>He nods quickly. “What do you want from Cocoona?”

“So, just to be clear, you are asking me this specifically because...?”

>”What, do you want, from Cocoona?” His tone is becoming more desperate.

“It’s because I’m with Chrysalis, isn’t it? You know, to be honest, I haven’t really had to put much effort into getting mares into me. I mean, I can try, but I really can’t—“

>”Anon! Enough! What do you want from Cocoona?”

>You smirk, rolling the scroll back up and tucking it away in a pocket.

“Let’s have a chat.”

-

>The next day brought another day in which your beloved bug horse thing locked herself in her office.

>You were tempted to let her know that you had a plan for fixing the wedding situation, but thought better of it.

>Sure, Cocoona was supposedly going to drop by later today, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get anything out of her.

>She is, after all, an asshole.

>No matter, you now have a day more or less to kill. Any preparations you had were finished up the day before.

>Taking a seat on the golden throne of Ponyville, you contemplate what your next move will be.

>You look over to the adjacent couch. Derpy is sitting there. She looks to you.

>”Oh! Hi, Anon!”

“Hello, Derpy.”

>She smiles simply at you as you continue thinking of things to do. However, nothing really comes to mind.

“Say, Derpy, what are you going to do today?”

>”The same thing I do every day, Anon!” You frown.

“...Deliver the mail?”

>She blinks. “Oh. Well, yes. That. Do you want to come?”

“...Eh.”

>And thus the day was spent carrying a huge bag of mail and chasing after the grey mailpony, whose ‘excellent’ sense of direction ensured ‘quick and easy’ deliveries.

>On the plus side, it was good exercise. Heck, you only tripped... twelve times?

>A personal best. And worst.

>Returning home, you flee the scene to get cleaned up and steel yourself for your next encounter with your potential mother-in-law.

>You can suddenly relate so much more with those poor sons and daughters whose in-laws cause them so much strife. Ha! And you’re not even married...

>On your way out of your personal bathroom (though you obviously shared it with Chrysalis) you ran into, yep, Chrysalis.

>She blinks. “Oh. Anonymous, hi.”

>You put on a smile for her, a hand holding up your towel.

“Hi, Chrysalis. How’s the paperwork coming?”

>She smiles weakly. “It’s coming. Don’t worry, we’ll be back to having fun in a few days. I’ve just been busy.”

“It’s fine.”

>You walk past her to a dresser and start searching for some clothes.

>”How about we do something nice when I’m free? To make up for all those failed attempts of yours.”

“Sure. Did you have anything in mind?”

>From the corner of your eye you see her shrug. “I have a few things. I’ll let you know later.”

“Sounds good.”

>You begin getting dressed up in some rather nice clothes.

>Chrysalis smirks. “What’s the occasion, Anon?”

“Oh, I’ve got a hot date tonight.”

>She laughs. “Riiight. Well Anon, don’t ruin all your suits now. That’s my job.”

>You turn to her, raising an eyebrow. She laughs before walking into the bathroom.

>Fucking changelings...

-

>Downstairs, in the office of one Commander Ditto, you waited.

>Cocoona was going to come specifically to this room, specifically to see you. Maybe.

>Permanence said he would try to get her to come by, but you weren’t one hundred percent certain quite yet. He was, after all, just a count (which he had told you. The more you know!)

>With said count’s help, though, you managed to set up said office in a way that would hopefully keep the mare happy.

>For example, the chair you’re sitting in is notably a good distance away from the fancy glass table that sits in the middle of the room.

>Permanence was even able to supply you with some typical changeling food, though unfortunately the troops next door managed to snag a few packages before you could. No matter.

>With some snacks prepared, you hope you can possibly speak to her through her stomach.

>You honestly doubt a diet high in love would make a changeling so absurdly... big.

>Yes, big. Not fat. In fact, you remind yourself once again to not say anything about the mare’s physique. That will only cause problems.

>You also had a plan B, assuming of course she would even show up. Your good friend scotch would save the day. Thank god Rainbow Dash still had her stash, too. The store was all out.

>Though, if things get out of hand, probably not your pelvis. Eurgh.

>Despite Ditto’s research into the subject, he remained unable to figure out why alcohol did what it does to changelings. Oh well.

>Sighing, you continue to wait, still hoping someone will turn up, if only to tell you that she can’t or won’t come.

>Your patience is rewarded, eventually, by the telltale sound a hooves on cavern stone. Looks like your messenger is here.

>...Though that could potentially be even worse. That changeling kind of scares you.

>Knock knock.

“Come in.”

>The door glows a faint green, slowly creaking open, revealing a tall muscular changeling in armour.

>The being steps in, moving off to the side without so much as looking at you.

>Behind him is your pal Permanence, who smiles nervously before moving to the side opposite the Black Guard enforcer.

>And behind him? Cocoona.

>The queen mother immediately glares at you, gritting her teeth in sheer frustration. Unfazed, you give her your best inviting smile and begin.

“Ah, your majesty. I’m glad you could make it.”

>”You can cut the flattery. It’s not going to work.”

>You shrug, instead continuing with your plan to more or less butter the mare up until she slips.

>...

>Inwardly, you groan. You are definitely going to need a better metaphor to describe that...

>”Anyway...”

>She walks to the side, planting her bulbous behind into the big chair you set out for her, another change marine entering and closing the door after her.

>The changeling narrows her eyes at you, her horn glowing faintly and lifting one of the weird cookies to her mouth. She takes a bite.

>”What do you want, Anonymous? I was /pretty/ sure I made myself clear last time that you’re never, ever, marrying my daughter.”

>Cocoona glances over to Permanence. “You can go.”

>He glances to you briefly before quickly scurrying away. Cocoona adds cryptically, “But I wouldn’t stray too far...” as he goes.

>The ex-queen impatiently turns to you, obviously wanting to shut you down as fast as possible and leave, probably with the food.

“Well, I know what you said. However—“

>”However, you want to waste even more of my precious time by having me sit here and listen to you try and point out how great and lovely you are.”

>You raise an eyebrow and shake your head.

“No, no. Nothing like that.”

>Now Cocoona is raising an eyebrow. “Hrm? Then what do you want?” She finishes her sweet and floats another over to herself.

“I wanted a chance to, well, prove my worth. Give me a task to complete, and we’ll go from there.”

>”Why should I?”

“What do you have to lose?”

>She rolls her eyes. “My daughter?”

>You give her a look.

“Do you really think I can take Chrysalis away from you? Surely you have more faith in her than that.”

>She blinks, not immediately sure of how to respond. “Eh...” She shrugs.

>You frown, a tad disappointed. Does she really have this little faith in her daughter?

>”I don’t suppose you have something to wash these down?” She shakes her half-eaten cookie thing.

>A tad surprised, you reach for the bottle of scotch, which you kept beside your chair, as opposed to on the table.

>Her magic snatches it away before you can even get up. She hovers it to her face, reading the lable.

>”...And this is?”

>You grin. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Oh, you know, just a poison we humans drink. Try some?”

>The change marines turn to you, the first movement you’ve seen from them in awhile. Cocoona shoos them away. ”Poison? And why would you drink poison? Or give it to me?”

“I figure if little fragile things like us can drink it, you’ll have no problems downing it.”

>She rolls her eyes. “Oh yes. And I’m sure you didn’t put anything in it to skew my judgement either.”

>Rather roughly, she magically tosses it to her closest bodyguard, who unflinchingly catches it midair.

>So that’s where all the good soldiers are...

>The trooper immediately cracks the bottle open, rather poorly you might add, and, after snatching up a glass, pours himself some and takes a drink.

>He immediately regrets it, and, while he doesn’t drop immediately like your commander friend did, he flinches from the burning.

>It probably helps that he’s maybe twice as large as the drone commander, at least in terms of mass.

>Cocoona then has him recite a bunch of random but simple information. He passes, and, satisfied, Cocoona pours herself a glass.

>She doesn’t actually drink it, though. “Hrmph. So, you want me to give you something to do, so you can prove your worth, despite me already knowing you’ll fail horribly and this entire thing being a waste of time? Really, Anonymous?”

“Come on. You’d get to rub it in when you’re proven right.”

>”You’re assuming I want to waste any more time with you to do so.”

>She has you there. Fuck.

>Not waiting for a response, the queen takes a sip of the drink, not noticing how the bodyguard that tested it is now swaying in his post and blinking heavily.

>Cocoona, while expecting it to be bad, obviously underestimated your lovely human poison drink, flinching as the liquid sawdust rolls down.

>”Ack...” She coughs. “This is horrible.”

“You get used to it.”

>She glares at you, your smile immediately falling.

>Shaking her head, she looks away, thinking. “Anyway, thing, I really don’t have time for this. Unlike some changelings, I have things to do.”

>She turns to you, magically hovering another cookie thing off the plate.

>”But tell you what. Since I’m in such a /generous/ mood, I’ll go ahead and give you a little task. Nothing somep0ny of /your/ calibre can’t handle.“

“Oh?”

>”Up in that little castle town lives a stupid pretty sun princess. She has a crown. I want it. Go get it.”

“...You want Celestia’s crown?”

>She grins, putting down the drink. “That’s right. Chrysalis did a great job at not brining any loot back from her attack last year; perhaps you can do better.” She shrugs. “Wouldn’t be hard.”

>She gets up and gives you another hostile look. “Now, if you’ll excuse me...”

>The mare turns away and marches out, her changeling bodyguards following right behind her.

>Well, except the drunk one, who bumps into the door frame before promptly correcting himself.

>He doesn’t actually close the door, though you’re not particularly surprised.

>A few minutes pass before Permanence pokes his head through the door.

>Bitterly, you comment, [spoiler][/spoiler]“She was much more pleasant than last time...”

>”That isn’t saying much, Anonymous. Now, I need to go as well. Good luck with... What did she ask for?”

“Oh, you know. Nothing big. Just a hat.”

>”Ah. Right. Well...”

>His magic snatches one of the cookies. You shake your head judgingly, but he doesn’t care and quickly heads off, not wanting to get left behind by the ex-queen’s carriage.

>Celestia’s crown, huh? That’s totally not absurd at all.

>Sighing, you get up and, before leaving, decide to try one of these damn cookies.

>Taking a bite, you’re immediately repulsed.

“The fuck? Who puts turnips inside of cookies?”

-

>The next day finds you sitting in your chair, like you usually do.

>After thinking it through for awhile, you suddenly realize you have absolutely no idea on how to actually take Celestia’s crown from her.

>It’s not like you could ask for it. While she probably wouldn’t care if she lost her shoes, as according to Luna she owns dozens of pairs, losing her crown would be a much bigger deal.

>There is, after all, only the one.

>Cocoona would probably also not go for a decoy, so you couldn’t just pull something out of your ass either.

>Sipping on some non-alcoholic, non-carbonated water, you continue to think.

>A few minutes earlier you sent Derpy off to fetch ‘smart ponies’ that weren’t Twilight. Primarily, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie, though the former isn’t exactly your definition of a tactical genius.

>A little later the ponies arrive, though there’s an unexpected extra following right behind.

>Fluttershy.

>You haven’t actually spoken to that mare in awhile... Perhaps she can help too?

>May as well try. What do you have to lose?

>Besides, of course, your ability to live aboveground in Celestia’s glorious pony kingdom.

>Rainbow soars over, landing on the nearby couch’s arm. “Hey, Anon! How’d it go?”

“Eh. Have a seat.”

>She ignores your command, instead standing in the same pose as the others catch up.

>They greet you, they being Pinkie. Fluttershy simply looks at you silently, trying to hide under her mane and failing.

>The ponies all take their seats and, after checking that no one is watching from outside the door, the little meeting begins.

“So. As you guys know, yesterday I had a talk with /her/.”

>You pause, realizing that Fluttershy has no idea what the fuck is going on. You ask Derpy to fill her in quickly.

“Luckily for us, I guess, she decided to play my game. Unfortunately her task isn’t really something I can just do.”

>Pinkie frowns, pondering briefly before smiling. “Does she need food for a feast?”

“No, Pinkie.”

>”Huh. Does she want you to build a giant monument to celebrate her glory?”

“No. Though that’s a better guess.”

>Pinkie opens her mouth to suggest another over the top idea, but a glare from Rainbow silences her.

>Dash faces you. “Well? What is it?”

“She wants Celestia’s crown.”

>The room goes silent.

>You look from pony to pony, seeing what sort of reaction each has to this bombshell.

>Dash looks conflicted, Pinkie has a rather nice pokerface on, Derpy is worried and Fluttershy is horrified.

“Yeah. I know.”

>The ponies look to each other, thinking over just how serious the ramifications of her request are.

>This isn’t just some random person’s wallet. All of these ponies, barring Derpy, actually know the princess, at least to a point.

>Perhaps this isn’t such a good idea...

>Luckily, Rainbow Dash at least seems partially committed to the cause. “So, uh, what do we need to do?”

“Well, an excuse to be in Canterlot would be nice. A bit of cover, you know?”

>Pinkie slowly nods in agreement, her face significantly more serious than usual. “Mhm.”

>Derpy however isn’t so big on it. “Um... Anon? I don’t really like the way this is sounding...”

“If you don’t want to help I won’t force you. Just do go telling everyone that we’re planning grand theft regalia, alright?”

>The mailmare quickly nods and flies away, almost missing the door in the process. You turn to Fluttershy.

>She clenches her eyes shut, steeling herself before whispering, “I’ll help.” As usual she can barely be heard.

“Well then. It’s the four of us vs. Celestia’s royal guard. Great.”

>Dash chuckles. “No problem. As long as they don’t know what’s up I’m sure we won’t have to worry about any giant shields surrounding Canterlot.”

>It’s Pinkie’s turn to glare at Rainbow. “Don’t jinx it!”

>The mare flinches away, chuckling nervously. “Don’t worry, I’ll just Sonic Rainboom it if we have to.”

“I’d rather it not come to that. I’m sure there’s a much easier way to get a hat.”

>Fluttershy nods. “Yes. I’m sure uh... Celestia doesn’t wear it all the time...”

“Exactly. The problem of course is getting said crown, since she’ll probably put it down in her bedroom when it’s off. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.”

>Dash nods. “Yeah, we need to actually be in Canterlot first.”

>However, after a half hour of idea generation, you end up in more or less the same position.

>You have absolutely no reason to be in Canterlot. Risking the suspicion could prove disastrous—the guard will probably assume it’s the fault of the changelings and be knocking down your doors.

>Luckily for you, it would so happen that the solution would fall right into your lap.

>Not literally.

>Your discussion is rudely interrupted with Chrysalis barging into the room, looking for one Anonymous.

>”Ah! There you are!” She trots over, ignoring your companions. Chrysie is doing a rather bad job at hiding her excitement.

“Hey, Chrys. What’s up?”

>She grins, her fangs shining in the light. “You will never guess what I’ve arranged for the two of us!”

“I don’t know. Tell me?”

>Her grin falters. “I’m not just going to tell you. Guess.”

>Pinkie smiles, “Ooh! Did you buy a huge cake that won’t explode for him? Can we have some?”

>Chrysalis looks to Pinkie, just a little confused. “Er, no.”

>Rainbow shrugs sarcastically, “You’re going on a cruise to New Mareleans?”

>The changeling queen glares at her. “No. New Mareleans is a horrible vacation spot.”

>Fluttershy mumbles something sexual in nature, but Chrysalis either ignores or doesn’t hear her.

“Come on, Chrys, just spit it out.”

>She sighs. “/Fine!/ You never let me have my fun...” The mare pouts.

>Seeing that your expression hasn’t changed from the look of mild amusement that you’ve worn since she entered, she sighs again before magically floating over a distinct golden piece of paper over to you.

>You reach for it. [spoiler][/spoiler]”Is this what I think it is?”

>”Probably not. You’re not one for fancy events...”

>Yes. It’s what you think it is. A ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.

>That’s one problem solved... Though a few new ones made.

“So who did you have to bury to get your hooves on these? Last I checked, these things were handed out by our friendly neighbourhood princess personally.”

>Chrysalis laughs. “Yes, they are. And as a rather influential mare myself, it only makes sense that /I/ would be invited.”

“And I’m your date. Woohoo?”

>She glares at you, not pleased by your lack of enthusiasm. In truth, you’re actually a tad pumped about the upcoming boring pony’s party, but there’s no reason to lead her on.

>The last thing you want is your lover getting suspicious of you.

>”You would do to show more enthusiasm.” She looks over to Pinkie Pie. “And you, stop distracting Ditto! The guards I have him training are never going to get disciplined if you suck up every moment of his time.”

>Dash laughs. “Nice word choice, Chrys.”

>The queen rolls her eyes. “Anyway, back to work for me. We’ll discuss this more later, alright Anon?”

“Sure thing, Chrys.”

>Silence reigns until the mare is gone. You turn to your friends and give them one last command:

“All of you, go get tickets from Twilight. Do favours or whatever. You need tickets. It shouldn’t be too hard.”

>Pinkie nods. “I’ll throw her a big book party!”

>Dash grins. “I’ll uh...” Her grin falters. “Crap. I don’t have a clue...”

>Fluttershy simply nods quietly.

“Good luck, and god speed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to...”

>You pause, contemplating what to do next.

“Actually I don’t know. But shoo. Chrysalis will flip her shit if Ditto gets distracted by you three causing trouble again.”

>The ponies nod and quickly flee the scene, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

>That is until Dinky shows up with her friends and begins watching shows on the television.

>You sigh, thinking. This hat you’re going to steal. It’s much rarer than any other hats out there.

>This wasn’t one that you just suddenly found in a crate one day. Oh no.

>This was the sun’s hat. Hopefully you won’t get burned.

>Much.

-

>Tomorrow comes sooner than expected, though these things happen when you’re tired.

>It took a lot more effort than you thought it would to get Chrysalis to agree to heading to Canterlot a few days before the Gala, as opposed to the day of.

>You’d still need a way to slip away from the lovely mare, but you’re sure you’ll figure something out along the way.

>For now, you’re stuck packing. Always packing...

>That, and spending money. Chrysalis is dead set on having the greatest outfit at this party, probably to show off her changeling supremacy or something.

>Because that’ll definitely work when a pony is the one designing the dress. Most definitely.

>Not wanting to drown in the posh fashion, you excuse yourself to do other things.

>Though on your way out, you can’t help but wonder if this means Rarity will be coming to the Gala too. She seems quite keen on seeing the dress she hasn’t even made yet in action.

>Leaving the mare to her madness, you head off to meet with your crew of outlaws at, where else, Sugarcube Corner.

>It isn’t your first choice, but it’s closest. Besides, there’s food there too.

>Taking a seat, you are not surprised to see that Dashie is late. However, Pinkie and Fluttershy not being around is a bit more peculiar.

>Your worries are for naught, though, as the ponies file in one by one, taking the booth’s remaining three seats.

>Except Fluttershy who snags the seat next to you.

>She’s not particularly confident in her venture though, choosing to sit as far away as she can without falling off the seat. The effort is a tad annoying.

>Regardless, Rainbow eventually does shows up.

“So. Did you all get tickets?”

>Pinkie nods, clapping her hooves together. When she releases them a golden ticket is suddenly between them.

>You nod slowly before looking to Rainbow. “Yeah, I’ve got one. Trust me, it was a pain to get.”

“I’ll bet. Fluttershy?”

>”I-I got one.”

>Rainbow turns to her, sceptical. “Really? How’d you manage that?”

>Fluttershy looks away. “I, uh, had Spike send a letter.”

>You sigh.

“Anyway, now that we’re all going, we still need a plan to get the... you know.”

>Pinkie nods, pulling out some night vision goggles from somewhere. “I’ve got an idea!”

“Really?”

>She nods and begins to explain an extremely elaborate and absurd plan involving Griffon mercenaries, a zombie, an ancient empire which you’ve never heard of’s magic artefact, a box of reptilian sex toys and, of course, night vision goggles.

>You can’t even come up with a response to this plot. It’s just... what.

>Rainbow Dash shares your sentiment, but remains silent. Pinkie sure is confident too. You almost don’t want to tell her no.

>In fact, you decide, sure, she can do that.

“Uh, okay. You go ahead with that plan, then.”

>Pinkie cheers. “Great! I’ll go send some letters!”

>The mare bounces away, leaving you with your remaining pony friends.

>Rainbow looks to you, raising an eyebrow. “So, what’s the real plan?”

“I figured you two would just airlift me up into Celestia’s room when she’s asleep and I snag the crown.”

>The multicoloured mare nods. “Seems easy enough.” She looks to Fluttershy, who shrinks in on herself.

>”Um. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”

>You cross your arms, not buying it.

“You’ll be fine. Besides, I figure you’d be all for putting your hooves on me.”

>She gives you a look. “Are you trying to trick me?”

“Of course not.”

>Fluttershy sighs. “Well, okay. So, what about the Gala? Do we just go as normal?”

>Dash shrugs. “Makes sense. I mean, we can’t exactly steal a crown that Celestia’s wearing, can we?”

“Right. So we’ll do it after the Gala. It won’t be too bad.”

>Your bro for life turns to you. “Sure. Assuming you can get rid of Chrys for a second. We all know how possessive that mare is.”

>Fluttershy slowly nods. You glance sceptically at them.

“I’ll handle it. Speaking of which, I should probably go check on her. See you in Canterlot?”

>Your ex-stalker quickly scurries out of your way, letting you out of the booth. Giving the pair a wave, you make your way back to Carousel Boutique.

>Perfect timing too...

>”Ah, Anon dear, you’re back. Perfect timing. I need to take a few measurements for your new outfit. Come now.”

“Wait, what?”

>Chrysalis, who’s sitting in a lovely lounge chair off to the side, rolls her eyes. “What? You really think we’re not going to have matching outfits?”

>Not wanting to cause a scene, you comply and suffer through a billion years of measurements.

>Dull would be an understatement, though at least Rarity tries to keep a conversation going.

>Sadly for her, you’re not particularly interested in discussing which shade of green your suit is going to be.

>Especially since you really have no say anyway. Chrysalis ultimately overrides all of your suggestions. >You just hope there’s no wool.

-

>A few days later, you find yourself unpacking a handful of outfits and other miscellenous materials out of a suitcase.

>You told Chrysalis that it’s pointless to unpack when you’ll be in the lovely hotel for maybe three days but she won’t hear it.

>She won’t hear a lot of things, actually. If you didn’t know better, you’d say it was her time of the month.

>You eventually chalk it up to stress.

>Walking into the little living quarters your penthouse suite had (as Chrysalis ‘persuaded’ the manager to give you the best room), you find Chrysalis lying peacefully on her back, relaxing.

>Not wanting to disturb her, you chart a course around her and the oddly muted television, but she spots you anyway.

>“Going so soon?”

”Just getting a drink.”

>“Mhm. Get me one too, would you?”

>You frown, looking to the fancy glass table in front of the mare. And, of course, the glass of water sitting on top of it.

“I’m pretty sure that one there is yours.”

>She rolls her eyes. “I want to make sure you come back.”

>Shaking your head, you fetch the mare another drink, setting it before her. “Thank you.”

>She sits up, magically lifting up a remote. With one press the sound is resumed, though it’s still a bit quiet.

“New show coming on?”

>”Why yes. Today the new season of my favourite cartoon premieres. Watch it with me?”

“Sure. What’s this one about?”

>She shrugs. “I haven’t checked. Would rather avoid the spoilers.”

“Right.”

>Both of you remain quiet as the little cartoon plays. While you can tell Chrysalis is loving her little fish cartoon, you’re just a little less enthusiastic.

>Paying only a little attention, your mind drifts to other matters, like tomorrow’s Gala.

>It occurs to you about halfway through the show that you really need to go and survey the castle’s layout. And, of course, figure out which tower Celestia actually lives in.

>Sure, you could assume it’s the tallest one, but for all you know that could be Luna’s room.

>Walking into Luna’s bedroom in the middle of the night would definitely not get you any closer to Celestia’s glorified hat. Oh no.

>If anything, it’d end all efforts entirely.

>Though you could probably very easily get Luna to stay quiet through... various means.

>But that’d just cause more problems.

>Focusing your attention back on the show, it occurs to you that this advertisement for... some sort of goo thing has played four times in a row now.

>You turn to Chrysalis, who turns to you.

>”Remind me to buy some of that stuff.”

“...Why?”

>”Look how stretchable it is! It’d be a much better imprisonment tool than the slime we use now.”

“...I guess.”

>The show continues on for another half hour or so. It was pretty good, though the villain was a little lacklustre.

>All he did was show up and die. Rather dark for a foal’s show too.

>Not that you’d tell Chrysalis she’s watching children’s cartoons. You rather enjoy your tongue.

>Haha. And so does she.

>As the credits play, you rise up from your seat.

“Well, I better check on the castle. Make sure everything’s prepared for your arrival. And stuff.”

>Chrysalis pouts. “Oh, you’re leaving me already?”

“Sorry, Chrys. But you know how I am.”

>She shrugs. “Fine. Just try not to get raped. I hear Applejack is in town.”

>Applejack is coming too? Oh for god’s sake. How did she know?

“I’m more than able to handle a little horse, Chrysalis.”

>”Of course dear. And I can beat up Celestia single hoovedly.”

>You pause, thinking of how to respond. She kind of did do that...

>”Aren’t you going somewhere?”

“Oh. Right. See you later.”

>She shrugs, waving you off. “Have fun.”

>Canterlot is much the same as the last time you visited.

>You can actually taste how stuck up and preppy this place is. Jeez.

>Taking a look around the streets, you half-heartedly hope to spot that Fancy Pants fellow. He was a cool guy.

>However, he’s not out today, or if he is he’s not in this part of town. Sighing you start down the main road, keeping your eyes peeled for a certain donut shop.

>After awhile the donut shop comes into view. You expect to be the first one over.

>You are happy to be wrong, though Pinkie being here first isn’t exactly that helpful.

>She’s sitting a table with two extremely angry looking griffons. Both of them are scarfing down donuts faster than Rainbow Dash can crash into stop signs.

>Not wanting to disrupt their lovely conversation, you head over to the counter to see Donut Joe.

“Donut Joe? Don’t you run a place in Ponyville?”

>Joe blinks. “Huh? Wha—Oh. No no. I’m /Pony/ Joe. Donut’s my brother.”

>You narrow your eyes at the stallion that looks exactly like Donut Joe.

“...Right. Um, I guess I’ll get a half dozen assorted. No raisin, please.”

>”Sure thing.”

>As you wait for your circles with holes in the middle, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy enter the shop. They smile at you and trot over.

“Glad to see you’re up.”

>Rainbow rolls her eyes. “Duh. Now, what’s the plan for today?”

>You turn away to ‘Pony’ Joe and obtain your donuts, tossing him a few bits to pay.

>Taking the donuts you reluctantly lead your horses over to the booth beside Pinkie’s booth which is full of Griffons.

>That does stop Pinkie from hoping up onto her seat and saying hello.

“Hi, Pinkie. How’s your plan going?”

>”Great!”

>You nod nervously. She really went and hired some griffon mercenaries... You were hoping that was a joke.

>From behind the pink party pony you hear one of the griffons state, “Yes... Soon we shall bring glory to our homeland!”

>The other one cheers and the two take swigs from beer mugs they didn’t have a second ago. Right.

“Anyhow, Pinkie, you should probably calm your ‘friends’  down. Don’t want Joe to get antsy.

>She shrugs. “I guess.”

>The mare turns to her birds and you turn to your horses. Rainbow rolls her eyes. “So, anyway...”

>You place the box of donuts onto the table, opening it and taking out a...

>Jelly donut. Hm.

“Well girls, we need to figure out a few things. Like what tower Celestia actually lives in, where the guards are posted and other things. Even at night, I’ll be kind of an obvious sight in the sky.”

>You glance over to not Donut Joe, who is on the far side of the room putting donuts into an oven.

>Dash nods. “Right. So we need to know where’s the best place to ascend. Gotcha.”

>She leans over the table, snatching up the box. A bit awkwardly she pulls a donut out of the box with her hooves.

>Fluttershy shakes her head, using a wing to quickly snatch one out. They are both jelly donuts.

>Rainbow gives the shy pony a sort of self-conscious look, like Fluttershy just did something your little Dashie can’t.

>Though, honestly, it doesn’t interest you that much.

“Enjoy your donuts and then we’ll get going.”

>They do just that, each pony eventually taking a second donut for themselves. All of them are jelly.

>Assorted indeed.

>Making your way out, ponies in tow, you wave goodbye to the party pony and her avian feline friends.

>Those two are definitely... creepy. They keep talking about ice, the great roost, and how they don’t like Celestia.

>Whatever. If you beat Pinkie to the punch it won’t be your problem. Maybe.

>As it so happens, this donut shop is actually pretty close to the castle and within a few minutes you’re safely inside its white marble walls.

>Well, safe as you can be. There are quite a few guards floating around today.

>However the ones right at the entrance aren’t particularly interesting. You’re more concerned of the ones hanging out around the towers.

>And, of course, Celestia’s room.

>Making up a story about wanting to see Luna for something miscellaneous, you manage to get passed a few guards and begin searching the castle.

>Everything goes well. You manage to pinpoint a few safe zones around the towers and, with a little coercing, manage to convince what you’re guessing is a court mage to tell you which tower Celestia lives in.

>As it so happens, her room is indeed on the highest tower. How cliché.

>Regardless, your observation mission is done. Now you just need to get out before anything bad happens.

>Of course, that’s not going to work. Nothing ever works...

>Turning a corner, your pony friends trailing behind you, you almost bump right into one of the palace’s royal residents.

“My bad.”

>You try to slip by, but it quickly occurs to you that the navy blue Alicorn isn’t exactly going to let you go.

>”Anonymous?”

“...Luna?”

>Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy catch up, only to see one of the ponies they’re stealing from standing right in front of you.

>”I was told that you wished to see us.” She smiles.

>Err... Hm.

>This is a problem, obviously. Princess Luna will surely rat you out if she catches wind of your plan.

>...Or will she?

“Haha... Yeah. Well, I was hoping to get a tour. Or something.”

>Rainbow Dash cuts in. “But since you weren’t around, and, uh, I’ve seen this place all the time, I did it! Yep!”

>Luna frowns, giving Rainbow Dash that typical royal stare. She turns to you. “I see.”

>She remains silent after that, maintaining her stare. Does she expect something is up?

>Growing a bit nervous, you fail to make eye contact.

>The mare narrows her eyes. “...What are you up too?”

“Nothing in particular. I was actually about to... go... home. To my hotel room. Because the Gala isn’t tonight. Yeah.”

>Luna nods. “Right. Could I speak to you for a moment, Anonymous?”

>Oh boy here we go.

“...What about?”

>”Oh, you know. Things. Since, after all, the Gala isn’t tonight. Yeah.”

>And now she’s mocking you...

>The night pricness turns to Rainbow and Fluttershy. “Carry on, little ponies. This will not take long.”

>Both are a bit hesitant to flee the scene. A glare from Luna solves that.

>Dash quickly trots off, dragging Fluttershy with her. “We’ll be right outside!”

>You’re almost mad that they’re bailing, but then again, this IS a stealth operation.

>You can’t exactly steal a fancy hat if you’re in jail.

>Luna turns to you, the royal Canterlot blank stare back. Ha! Some pokerface that is.

>”Well? What are you doing?”

“Taking a look around the castle. What’s so bad about that?”

>”Anonymous, don’t lie to us. We know you’re up to something.”

“How can you know that?”

>She rolls her eyes. “You come here, ask to see me, and then slip through into these corridors to ‘look around.’ Why would you ask to see me if you wanted a tour? It doesn’t add up.”

>You remain silent.

>She sighs. “Anon, please. Just tell me. I promise, nothing bad will come of it.”

>Smiling bitterly, you shrug. There’s no way out of this, is there?

“I was given a task. An illegal task. Involving hats. Fancy hats. So I needed to know where they are.”

>She blinks, not having any idea what you’re talking about. “...You’re going to steal hats from the treasury?”

>Close enough. You slow nod, smiling innocently. It is for a good reason, after all.

>Luna sighs. “It’s always something, isn’t it? I CAN give you one of the royal giant hats, you realize. Which one do you want?”

>She pauses before sighing again. “Or do you not know?”

“I know which one I need.”

>Luna nods, waiting for you to continue.

“...You know how you and Celestia always have those little tiaras...?”

>Her face hardens. “You cannot be serious.”

“I kind of am.”

>The princess throws her head up in disbelief. “You /cannot/ be serious!”

“It’s not like I want yours. Come on, relax.”

>She turns back to you. “Anonymous, that ‘little tiara’ is a 1200 year old relic. How am I supposed to give it you? Just waltz up to sister and ask for her crown? You’re mad.”

“Most humans are. But regardless, I need that crown. Nothing else will do.”

>Luna sighs. “I can’t help you with this...”

“Why not?”

>She glares at you.

>You cross your arms, turning your head slightly to the side.

>The mare steps over to you. “Follow me. Quietly.”

>Nodding, you do as you’re told, following the mare through the castle before finally ending up in some sort of internal barracks. The room is eerily quiet.

>She leads you into another room and turns to you. Inside is a table and some pillow chairs.

>Luna doesn’t bother sitting down. “Tell me your plan. All of it.”

>Not really having an option, you go ahead and let her in on the little plot. Somehow you can’t help but think you’re screwing yourself over with this.

>She could go and tell Celestia about everything in 10 minutes, tops.

>And then all she has to do is send the guard. Hell, she could just arrest you right now.

>However, the mare doesn’t say anything as you elaborate on the actually fairly simple plan.

“...And then I escape with the crown into the night and avoid Celestia for the rest of my life.”

>Luna nods sceptically. “I see.”

>You wait for her to give some sort of commentary, but it doesn’t come.

>Instead, she outright walks passed you and out the door.

>Uh... That’s not a good sign. Scanning the room, you find a window. Walking over, you glance outside.

>Since this is the heroic castle, there’s unfortunately no conveniently placed pools of water to get in.

>So, no, this won’t work. You’d prefer not breaking all your bones.

>Before you can come up with another escape plan, Luna returns with two of night guards.

>The first you’re pretty sure is the one from before. Not really hanging out with the night guard much, you haven’t a clue who the second one is.

>It’s giving you a sort of Dracula vibe. He grins, though not particularly at anyone or anything.

>You look up to Luna. “Fluttershy isn’t going to be any good at lifting you and you know that.”

>Eh, maybe. Depends on if you can get her worked up.

>”These two will do that for you. Of their own volition, of course. Not because they are being told to.”

“Of course not.”

>”Additionally, I have been told that the Canterlot Elite are quite fond of Sonic Rainbooms. While I would never condone such, your friend performing one would quite likely keep the day guard out of your hair.”

>Huh. That’s actually an idea. Though it may take some effort to get Dash to not follow you to the tower anyway.

>The not stylish guard speaks. “We shall meet you at the base of the tower immediately after the Gala.”

>The second nods.

“Alrighty then.”

>You look to Luna, smiling. [spoiler][/spoiler]”I’m sure we’ll have lots of completely legal card game fun. Haha.”

>Luna rolls her eyes. “You owe me.”

“I know.”

>The mare leaves the room, the guards following her. Well then.

>Taking one last look out the window, you slip out of the room and make your way outside.

>And here you thought Luna wouldn’t help you. Ha!

-

>For the rest of that day and the first half of the next one, you did nothing really significant.

>Other than running into Pinkie one more time and her showing off some blue rock, that is.

>Just what is that mare up too?

>On second thought, it’s better if you don’t know.

>You look into the body length mirror, turning and observing your fancy outfit.

>Not bad, Anon, not bad at all.

>As soon as you think that, Chrysalis of course appears in the mirror. You turn to her.

>”Mmm, not bad...”

>Her horn lights up as she goes about to adjust your outfit, which you were pretty certain was on correctly.

“Is this really necessary?”

>”Yes.”

>Sighing, you let the mare’s magic whip around and fix the apparent errors in your outfit.

>A few minutes later, you’re released. “There. That’s much better.”

>You turn around and take a look in the mirror. As far as you can tell, nothing has changed at all.

>Completely typical. Not wanting to get off on the wrong foot, you just nod and return your gaze to the queen.

>She has on her fancy dress, designed by, of course, Rarity. It’s...

>Well, you’re not really a poet. Safe to say, it’s quite impressive.

>It’s also very expensive, as the numerous encrusted gems and gold linings would suggest.

>Hopefully not so expensive that it’ll piss off Cocoona again.

>Now that you think about it, you can’t help but wonder just how much money Chrysalis is sitting on.

>You’ll have to ask later. Or most likely forget to.

>Smiling, you glance over to the door.

“I guess we’d better get going?”

>The queen shrugs, “I guess. It’s not like I’ve wanted to go to this for awhile or anything.”

>You cross your arms, smirking.

“Well then. Guess we’ll stay here.”

>The changeling queen stares menacingly at you as you slowly walk away.

>Doing a 180, Chrysalis sees your playful smile. She mirrors it, though you can tell she’s getting a bit antsy.

“Come on.”

>Rolling her eyes she follows you out of the fancy room, down the stairs, and out the door.

>There awaits the carriage you most definitely payed handsomely to obtain.

>Opening the door up for your lady, she enters. You follow her behind.

>”So... What’s the plan for tonight, Anon?”

“Have fun, of course.”

>She nods. “Obviously. But what sort of fun?”

>Your face becomes serious.

“Fun that doesn’t involve a political scare, I hope. While everyone should be over the whole invasion spiel, we don’t exactly want to cause problems.”

>”What makes you think I’d cause problems?”

>It’s honestly not her that’s causing the problems...

“Let’s just keep a low profile? We can have lots of fun with our friends. Remember them?”

>”Bah. Don’t remind me.” She pouts. “They aren’t riding with us, are they?”

“No.”

>The queen smiles, satisfied. “Good.”

>Silence overtakes the little mobile room, the pullers doing a good job at making the ride as little bumpy as possible.

>Though the paved Canterlot road’s probably help too.

“That said, I don’t want you rushing to escape or anything. I’ve warned you about how... dull these things get.”

>Chrysalis rolls her eyes. “Come on, Anonymous. I’m a queen. I hold lots of fancy parties like this all the time. They aren’t boring. You just need to know what to look for.”

“I honestly doubt this sort of party will be anything like one in your Alpha Hive.”

>The mare doesn’t respond, instead glancing out the window.

>Tonight’s going to be a long night.

-

>The Grand Galloping Gala is, as anyone might guess, the most prestigious event to occur in the great glimmering city of Canterlot.

>Everyone who was anyone would attend, generally yearly, to get a glimpse of the grandeur that graced the golden halls of Canterlot Castle.

>And here you are, standing about in the foyer, slowly inching your way through a still fairly short line up.

>It is, of course, policy to be greeted by her royal highness before entering.

>Chrysalis is not exactly happy to be waiting, but the line is moving just fast enough that she isn’t pulling out her wings to fly over the crowd.

>That wouldn’t be good. Especially since you’d be left behind.

>Eventually, you and your hopeful bride arrive in front of the sun princess, who, as usual, decided against wearing a fancy dress to the gala.

>You can’t help but wonder why she does that. Surely she has some amazing outfits stored away in her closet(s).

>Though for all you know they simply don’t have her size at the local clothing boutiques.

>Either way, it really doesn’t matter.

>”Hello, Anonymous, Chrysalis. It is good to see you again.”

>Chrysalis shrugs. “Likewise, I guess. Having fun in your little castle?”

>The princess nods, ignoring Chrysalis’ emphasis on little. “Indeed. It is quite homely, I assure you. Full of all manner of artwork and other treasures from all across the large, prosperous Kingdom of Equestria.”

>The two of them stare intensely into each other’s eyes, Chrysalis scowling angrily while Celestia maintains her usual regal smile.

>If you knew the princess better, you’d know that this specific smile is her angry smile.

>Not wanting to hold up the line, you interrupt the mental duel.

“So, which way is it to the... gala... room. Thing.”

>Celestia quickly gestures to her left. “Right down the hallway. Have a wonderful evening.”

>Chrysalis grunts, walking off rather quickly.

>A rather strong magical tug pulls you off in her direction. Smiling nervously, you wave slightly at the princess, who gives no response.

>Just as Celestia indictated, the ballroom is right down the hall.

>Already, you can see numerous Canterlot elite standing around, looking important, or talking to each other about seemingly important things.

>There’s no sign of your ponies in arms, nor Luna, nor even the royal guard. They don’t appear to even be here.

>You’re so caught up in observing the room that you don’t even notice Chrysalis staring at you.

>”Is something on your mind?”

“Hm? What?”

>You look to her, blinking.

“Oh, no. So, why don’t you show me how to enjoy one of these lovely parties?”

>The mare smirks. “Why certainly! Come, let’s get a good vantage point...”

>She turns, leading you away from the main ‘crowd’ to one of the sides of the room.

>”It’s all about paying attention, you see. It would also help to have hearing as good as mine.”

“I’m sure I can manage.”

>Some time goes by with you and Chrysalis continuing to observe the room.

>Rainbow Dash is the first of your friends to actually show up here. She’s wearing the same outfit from her last Gala.

>Rarity is next and is utterly horrified than Dashie is reusing one of her pieces. Come on, ‘darling’, it’s been what, two years?

>The others slowly file in and nothing has actually happened.

>Though there is a griffon noble guy standing on the other side of the room, glaring daggers at you and Chrysalis.

>Someone is obviously upset.

>”Ha. He’s just jealous his mares aren’t as attractive, wouldn’t you say?”

>Chrys brushes a hoof through her mane, a smug smile on her face.

"Don't know about the rest of them, but you're beautiful enough for me."

>The queen blinks at you, blushing. She looks away from you, smiling silently.

>Things continue much the same as before, and while Chrysalis appears to be enjoying herself from her lovely little corner, you can’t help but find yourself getting just a little bored.

>Not even Twilight pestering Celestia about absolutely anything can bring any serious life to this party.

>And then, as if an angel answering your prayers, Princess Cadance, who you didn’t even notice was in attendance, walks up to you.

>”Enjoying the party, Anon?”

>Before you can even react, your marefriend glares at the love princess, as if she’s intruding on her territory.

>”What do you think you’re doing?”

>Cadance blinks, taking a step back. “...Saying hello? Aren’t you enjoying yourselves?”

“I’m—“

>”Yes. We are. Go away.”

>Cadance gives you a puzzled look before removing herself from Chrysalis’ sphere of influence.

>In fact, now that you think about it, the party goers appear to be specifically avoiding the little corner you and Chrysalis are standing in.

>Perhaps they aren’t quite over the massive amount of property damage she inflicted...

>Though you’d expect them to be happy. Insurance pays well.

“So, Chrys, what was up with that?”

>”What was up with what?”

“Oh, you know. I figured you liked pink pony princesses.”

>”I hate pink pony princesses, Anon. It’s a horrible color for a mare.”

“What about Pinkie?”

>She turns to you, about to respond, but stops. “...She makes it work. But Cadance can’t.”

“If you say so.”

>The mare rolls her eyes. “You’re obviously not enjoying yourself. Why don’t you go say hello to your friends, then?”

>You frown, shaking your head.

“We’re supposed to be spending the night together, aren’t we? Can’t really do that if you’re over here.”

>Chrysalis smiles. “No, I suppose not.”

>A pause.

>The queen frowns. “Well? Aren’t we going to go say hello to somep0ny here?”

>You nod before leading the way into the crowd of talking horses, the rather tame and melodic sound of the band trailing behind you.

-

>With your little ponies helping out, the night proves not as completely boring as hell as you thought.

>Good, too. You’d probably have ripped your hair out if it was.

>Honestly, you could only listen to nobles discussing their economic plans, attempts at forging claims on some county you’ve never heard or making alliances for so long.

>Chrysalis however still enjoyed herself and as the night dragged on, eventually it got late enough that even Celestia couldn’t risk staying up any more.

>Though knowing her, she could probably stay up for years if she put her mind to it.

>Either way, with the party winding down, you decide to make your way out.

>But you need to make one tiny little pit stop before you head off.

>Glancing to the side, you ever so slightly tap your marefriend’s shoulder. “Hm?”

“Terrible timing, I know, but I’ve got to take a leak. I’ll be right back.”

>Chrysalis looks at you. You look at her.

>”Don’t you have to go? Don’t let me hold you up.”

>Faking a grateful smile, you flee the scene, heading off in a miscellaneous direction until you eventually end up in a small outcrop of flora.

>Right on cue, the castle is rocked by a brilliant rainbow of color which of course originates on the other side of the building.

>Any guard that might be in the vicinity quickly stop being so and rush over to see what the hell is going on.

>Hopefully Dash won’t get any shit for sonic rainbooming without a permit.

>Slipping through the internal garden, you eventually find your way to the castle wall.

>There, waiting patiently are two night guards. And Fluttershy.

>The guards look to you and nod. One of them still has that cryptic smile on his face. Fluttershy just kind of stands there.

>”Good, you are here. We will retrieve the crown and pass it on to yourself.”

“If I recall correctly, I’m supposed to get the crown. You’re here to airlift me up.”

>The lead guard narrows his eyes. “Sir, it would be much smarter for us to simply retriev—“

“I’m getting it. Right Fluttershy?”

>You look to the mare, who, after a brief pause, nods. “R-Right.”

>The second guard smiles. “It will be fine. Come, let us go.”

>What kind of accent even is that? Romanian or something?

>Shaking away the thoughts, you get into a somewhat comfortable position as the pair of bat ponies slowly lift you up into the sky.

>It’s been a long time since you’ve travelled like this. It reminds you of back when you first met Chrysalis.

>Running back and forth to hide the mare.

>Blowing up clock towers by accident.

>Constantly getting ambushed at that fucking lake.

>And of course, hiding out in Rainbow’s house.

>Recalling the good times furthers your resolve. This is definitely worth it.

>Even if you fail, you can just run to Epsilon Hive and try again later. Nothing can stop you now.

>Except of course, gravity. The serious guard does a fantastic job at lifting you, your form slipping a tad out of his hoovey grasp.

“I’d prefer /not/ going splat today, Mr. Nightguard.”

>”It’s been a long night.”

>The mellow guard laughs at some nonexistent joke.

>Up and up you go, up the tower. Fluttershy trails ever so slightly behind the stallions.

>Finally you’re set down on a balcony. The serious guard looks to you.

>”Princess Celestia is a /very/ heavy sleeper. However, her guards right outside are not so oblivious. Remain quiet, or we will have problems.”

>To show your compliance you nod silently.

>You look to the doorway, and slowly creep over to its white metal frame, peeling it over. Unlocked.

>Someone clearly isn’t worried about getting attacked at night.

>Then again, the sun princess could easily smack around anything that’d fit in the door in the first place.

>The room is deathly silent, except for the heavy breathing of a big white lump in the middle of the room.

>No, scratch that. Not breathing. Snoring.

>...

>Princess Celestia snores? That’s something you didn’t know before.

>Anyhow, you begin scanning the actually quite huge room for the object of your mother-in-law’s desire.

>Eventually you spot it. The crown. It’s not on a fancy pedestal with laser defences either.

>It’s actually just sitting on a large vanity right beside the bed.

>Taking a look at the night guard, they gesture you forward, and, carefully, you creepy around the bed, approach the vanity and pick up the hat.

>You half expect an alarm to sound, but nothing happens. Looking across the bed at your guards, you give them a thumbs up.

>It’s at this point you notice the chilled out guard rooting through another vanity closest, his entire snout buried in the poor piece of wood.

>As you make your way back across, he pulls out a rather frilly pair of panties.

>No really, what?

>While in any other case you’d remain quiet, that proves to be too much. In a whisper, you ask his companion, quite literally, what the fuck.

>”Our pay isn’t good. He needs extra money. They sell very well. Don’t ask questions.”

>Shrugging, you decide that’s good enough and are about to leave when the mare you just robbed mumbles something in her sleep.

>”Mmm... Where’d I put... Smarty... p...”

>The princess shifts a little in her bed. You breathe a sigh a relief.

>And then the mare’s horn barely lights up and, without actually waking up, grabs Fluttershy, who foolishly stood only a half dozen feet from the bed.

>The poor pegasus is too spooked to even squeak out a response as her sovereign princess’ magic drags her over.

>”There you are...” she yawns, before grabbing the pony, pulling her in close.

>The guards look on in horror. Fluttershy looks desperately to you.

“...Any chance we can get her out?”

>”No.”

>Fluttershy’s face drops from that, her view shifting to the big white mare holding onto her. She’s practically buried in the princess’ chest.

“...Today has been weird. Sorry, Flutters, but you’re stuck.”

>Now, any other mare would probably immediately sabotage or rat on you for this, but this is, after all, Fluttershy.

>And after a few moments your ex-stalker seems quite comfortable beside the princess. She says a goodbye, though it’s muffled by the white fur.

>Slipping out the balcony, the night guards lift you up and after a short trip down put you back into a safe location.

>You tuck the crown safely away into your nice outfit.

“Thanks again, you two. Once I’m King of the Changelings, I’ll get you a nice reward. What are your names again?”

>They let you know and you remind yourself to remember these two. They made everything possible.

>...

>Though you still wonder why the night guards all have such paradoxical names. What kind of ‘night’ guard is named ‘Dawn?’

>Though it’d be better to ask why a stallion’s name is that in the first place.

>Either way, you need to get the fuck out of here, and quickly rush off to find Chrysalis and escape the castle.

>She isn’t particularly far from where you left her. She glances over to you, more peeved than worried about how long you’ve been gone.

>”Quite the stream, huh?”

“You wouldn’t believe the lineup.”

>”Probably not. Now, let’s go. Those griffons keep eyeing me, and I don’t like it.”

>You across the room to see the same two griffon mercenaries from the donut shop.

>It takes you a moment, but you quickly agree that it’d probably be better to not be here right now.

>Exiting the castle, you get back into your carriage, which pulls off into the night.

>Mission accomplished.

>You did it Anon. You actually did it.

>Now you just have to get it to Cocoona...

-

The Next Morning...

>Princess Celestia yawns, her eyes slowly opening themselves up.

>Most would be hard pressed to call 4:30am ‘morning’, as the sun has yet to rise.

>Easily remedied, though. Yawning, the mare begins to shuffle herself out of bed.

>But then she notices that there’s someone else hiding in her bed.

>Looking down, the princess of the day notices that, surprisingly enough, Fluttershy is sleeping right beside her.

>”What...?”

>Moving away, the pegasus is quickly disturbed and crankily peels open her eyes. “Huh?”

>Celestia continues to put distance between herself and her unlikely visitor.

>Now out of her bed and thus free from the piles and piles of pillows and blankets, the mare stands to her full height.

>Even without her fancy necklace, crown, and flowing hair (as her mane remained in its ‘deactivated’ state), the mare is quite intimidating.

>”Fluttershy?”

>The yellow mare blinks a few times, before her eyes focus on the mare before her.

>The shy pegasus blushes, as if on cue.

>”Oh... Good morning princess. Was it good for you too?”