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Humor Series Sweetie Belle: Carrot Expert

By: Hand-Made on Jan 14th, 2013  |  syntax: None  |  size: 6.08 KB  |  hits: 263  |  expires: Never
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  1. >another day in Equestria
  2. >poop, primp, poof!
  3. >you look precious!
  4. >another lovely day to go out for a trot
  5. >maybe you'll swing by his house...
  6. >maybe you'll see him outside in the garden...
  7. >maybe you'll finally drop off that card that asks "Do you like me? <3" while you stare at him with eyes full of hope...
  8. >your thoughts are interrupted as you walk through the local market; your snout bumps against a familiar, tall leg
  9. >"Hello there, Sweetie Belle! How are you doing today?"
  10. >oh gosh....
  11. >oh gosh....
  12. >oh.....gosh.....
  13. >he is actually talking to you
  14. >and you just ran into his leg...
  15. >he must think you're an idiot
  16. >Anon raises an eyebrow, as if waiting for an answer
  17. >wait
  18. >he asked you a question
  19. >HE ASKED YOU A QUESTION
  20. >what was it...?!
  21. Oh yeah the market is really great!
  22. >he smiles awkwardly at you
  23. >a bead of sweat forms on your forehead as you force the widest possible smile
  24. >"Thaaaats nice, Sweetie Belle...."
  25. >he states flatly
  26. >gosh dang darn it Sweetie Belle, get it together!
  27. So Anon, what brings a fun colt like yourself out today?
  28.  
  29. >he rubs the back of his head
  30. >"Well, I'm just out buying some carrots, Sweetie."
  31. CARROTS?!
  32. >you squeal with excitement, blushing slightly as you tone down the volume
  33. I love carrots! This one time, I ate a whole bunch of them, but they tasted sooo good I couldn't stop! I should get a carrot eating cutie mark! I can fit a big one in my mouth and eat it too. But first I sometimes gotta make them smaller, even through Rarity laughs at me and calls me a little filly. But that's okay, because she says that eating big carrots means I'll be ....good at...
  34. >your bouncing up and down stops as you notice Anon's face
  35. >you grin as he shifts awkwardly
  36. >the silence hangs in the air for many painful seconds
  37.  
  38. >"Sooo, Sweetie Belle.....I'm sure you best be getting home soon"
  39. Nope! I'm free allllll day.
  40. >more awkward silence
  41. >boy Anon sure gets quiet when talking about carrots
  42. >it's too bad carrots made you think of penises all the time
  43. >growing up sure is weird
  44. >maybe Anon is thinking about penises too
  45. >maybe he just really needs somep0ny who understands awkward penis-carrot comparisons
  46. It's OK Anon, I think about penises too all the time! I promise it isn't always about carrots and penises though. Just penises. Or carrots. Separately.
  47. >the entire group of ponies around you both stop and stare
  48. >some look on with confusion, others with jealousy and others with disgust
  49. >one with a knife and Bunsen burner cutie mark gives Anon a sly wink
  50. >"She's totally legal, man. Go for it."
  51. >Anon shudders at the statement
  52. >quick, Sweetie!
  53. >do something to make him feel better about the situation!
  54. Want me to help you out with your shopping today?
  55.  
  56. >"Sure. Whatever, Sweetie. Let's just...get out of here...."
  57. >you squee with delight and skip your way with him around the square to the carrot stand
  58. >wow, look at all those carrots
  59. >they sure are big
  60. >you wonder if Anon has a big penis
  61. >oh p0nyfeathers!
  62. >you just TOLD Anon that you don't think of penis and carrots at the same time
  63. >now you're a dirty p0ny AND a liar
  64. >"So Sweetie, which ones look the best to you?"
  65. >you're snapped out of thought by Anon's question
  66. >thank goodness, since you were about to feel tingly in your lower belly
  67. Well the best way to find out the best carrots ever is to examine them all!
  68. >you beam up at him
  69. >he smiles back gently
  70. >you jump into the massive carrot pile on the ground and begin sorting
  71. >now's your chance to impress him with your abilities!
  72. >you pluck a hefty one from the stack
  73. See this one? Its super thick and kinda stubby! You gotta find one that is a little bit longer. It doesn't really look like a regular carrot, but some p0nies really like thicker carrots because of how they cook in their crock pots!
  74. >you beam with pride at your expert analysis
  75. >Anon's face looks so pale though...
  76. >oh no!
  77. >maybe he didn't like the carrot you picked out
  78. >or maybe he thought you weren't descriptive enough
  79. >you hastily grab another, different looking one
  80. This carrot is a lot longer, but it is really thin! I think that these carrots are perfect for snacking on, but can be hard to store because of how loooong they are! You really gotta work at finding a place for them to fit unless you chop them up first!
  81. >you beam again, only to see Anon looking even more uneasy
  82. >maybe he doesn't think your carrot choices are the ones he needs...
  83. >maybe you don't know your tubers after all....
  84. >you scramble for another
  85. >you nearly think all hope is lost until...
  86. >there it is!
  87. >the perfect carrot!
  88. >you quickly snatch it up in your hooves and present it to Anon
  89. See, THIS carrot is the best! It isn't too dirty, and isn't limpy so you know it hasn't been sitting in the pile forever! It isn't too thick or too thin or too long or too short...the perfect size to fill you up so you don't have that big hole inside saying "I'm still hungry!"
  90. >you smile at the ideal choice of carrot as Anon look as though he's about to cry
  91. >he must love it!
  92. >or maybe...he's sad?
  93. >oh no!
  94. >he must have forgot his bits at home!
  95. Don't worry Anon! This one's on me!
  96. >the pony with the knife/Bunsen burner cutie mark trots up from before
  97. >"That's alright, cutie. This is my stand, and as long as you show up with your "coltfriend", then your pick of ten carrots are on the house."
  98. >you blush heavily at the assumption you two were dating
  99. >you knew you'd be the cutest couple ever!
  100. >Anon looks at him
  101. >"Don't encourage her!"
  102. >he grabs ten carrots and begins to storm off in a huff
  103. >aww
  104. >he is so shy!
  105. >you slide down the carrot stack with a giggle
  106. >....and you only got poked in your mare-zone by one
  107. >....or two
  108. >carrot slides are fun....
  109. >stupid horny-mones
  110. See you tomorrow Anon! Or when you need more carrots! Which I hope is soon! Since I need carrots too!
  111.  >you wave happily
  112. >he waves back reluctantly, juggling his load of carrots
  113. >that was so much fun!
  114. >you totally can't wait to give him that letter!
  115. >.....someday.....
  116. >now how to spend the rest of your afternoon?
  117. >hmmm...
  118. >well, you are at the market
  119. >maybe you can pick up some of those cucumbers that Rarity keeps running out of...