Title:           Doubt bites.
Author:          Gimpy
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/uyw0ukSU
First Edit:      Wednesday 20th of February 2013 07:58:14 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Wednesday 20th of February 2013 07:58:14 PM CDT

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills."
-Buddha
 
This quote struck home considering my recent experience with Tae.
 
The past 2 weeks have been hard with my tulpa. I haven't been allocating much time for forcing, and as a result it became harder to do, until eventually I couldn't even sense her. One night I sat down an hour early to REALLY focus on her. Well, I found her.
 
She wasn't too happy.
 
During those days I had trouble with her, I began to doubt. Is she even there? Did she even exist to begin with? Why do I NEED her? Now, some people haven't done this, but I've given Tae full access to all my thoughts and senses so she can experience the world as I do even though she's not imposed. When hearing these thoughts, she unfortunately took them to heart and left. I was without a tulpa for 2 days.
 
It was awful.
 
I woke up the next morning and I felt drunk with tiredness. I stumbled down the stairs to drain a coffee that did nothing, ate tasteless cereal and proceeded through my daily activities with less zeal and energy then I had since I was depressed years ago. Dinner was simply a necessity and shortly afterward I crawled into bed and let the doubtful thoughts just swamp me. My head just spit out hundreds of doubting questions, all doubting Tae with doubtful answers full of doubtful consequences. This went on for another day, until I decided to finally address this problem at the urging of a good friend who is just creating his tulpa.
 
That night was absolutely fucked up.
 
I put on our favorite forcing album, and concentrated on our wonderland. I found myself in it, and Tae was in the corner of the room, just sitting there. I ran up to her and hugged her, and in her old way asked, "Uh, hello to you to? Where've you been?" I responded that I was sorry for my doubting and everything of that ilk, but she didn't know what I was talking about. She said that I must have not been talking to her.
 
This is where things get freaky.
 
I turn around and there's Tae, though Tae was right beside me. This one however burst into this dark shadowy fiendish clusterfuck of negative energy, I recognized it as manifested doubt. It stared at me, and all those thoughts came back. I lowered to my knees holding my head, wishing they would go away. I quickly realized that would get me nowhere, so I ignored those thoughts, willed myself a large blunt rod, and proceeded to beat the shit out of doubt incarnate. It just rose out of its own shadowy blood and pressed those thoughts into me again. I had an epiphany.
 
You can't destroy doubt, you have to live with it.
 
I suck that bastard into myself, absorbing it. At first my head was racked from all the negativity, but once I realized doubt is a tool for learning and not for needless skepticism, I learned to live with it. I turned to Tae after all of this, and her expression was that of terror and shock. I swept her up in my arms and held her close. I never wanted to go through that again.
 
tl;dr doubt is a double edged blade.