Title:           In Fwuffy Russia, Part 1 out of god knows how many
Author:          FuckingPhoenixBIOS
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/UyNDGLLi
First Edit:      Friday 6th of July 2012 04:09:36 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Friday 6th of July 2012 04:09:36 PM CDT

>Be your average guy
>Work has got you down, decide to get a fluffy
>Go to a local adoption center
>See the pathetic creatures lying in piles of shit and trying to hug each other
>All you can hear is "Wuv fwuffeh!" and "gif huggies"!
>You feel sick from this bullshit
>Suddenly you feel something against your leg
>A mound of fluffies has adhered to it, babbling happily
>"New Daddeh!"
>You, being naive, try to explain that it's impossible for you to be their father
>They keep babbling and trying to hug your leg
>A few at the bottom of the pile are choked to death
>You are genuinely surprised at the immense stupidity of these things
>You remember that you were going to take one of them home
>Grab one
>It starts mewling and you feel something hard against your hand
>It has a boner
>Ohgodwhatthefuck.jpg
>Proceed to rip its penis off
>Fluffy comes as you grasp its dick
>Daddeh gif' fwuffy good feehw!
>Hand is covered in fluffy cum
>Grimace and rip its dick off, peeling a long strip of skin off of it
>It screams with its shrill voice
>Other fluffies start trying to attack you, screaming "Munstah!"
>You choke the one in your hand to death, throw it out the window
>It hits a passing big rig and is sliced into strips by the front grille
>Blood spatters everywhere, the truck barrels on
>Turn back to the fluffies on the floor
>They are bumping up against your leg and rolling back
>Apparently that's their idea of attack
>You spot a large cabinet full of supplies against the cement wall
>Cabinet is black metal, scuffed and beat up, full of litter boxes, blocks, and other fluffy-related shit
>Tip it over and crush around 20 fluffies under it
>The cabinet falls with a satisfying thud accompanied by the cracking of fluffies' bones
>A pool of blood issues from under the cabinet
>A few are still running around, completely terrified, screaming "Munstah! Hewp fwuffy!"
>Shop manager hears the racket and opens the steel door leading into the dim cement room
>Ohshit.jpg
>"Dude, is everything like... okay in here?" he asks, taking a swig from his flask
>"Yeah, yeah, I'll pay for the ones I kill" you reassure him
>"Cool. Love seeing those little bastards die. They're so damn pathetic."
>"Shit, you're good at this" the manager says as you take a fluffy and hurl it against the wall
>You turn to the manager and smile
>The fluffy you chucked at the wall has crawled across the floor, dragging its rear legs, its spine broken
>It looks up at you
>Tears fill its eyes
>"Daddeh...Daddeh hewp fwuffy... Fwuffy wuv daddeh"
>"Watch this shit", you say to the manager
>He raises an eyebrow
>You bend down to the fluffy and say, "I know what will fix that, you'll feel great in no time"
>Hope fills its eyes
>"Pwease! Daddeh hewp fwuffy!"
>You light a cigarette, and shove it down the fluffy's throat, butt first
>The fluffy chokes and sputters as the hot cigarette scalds its throat
>You lift your leg and stomp the fluffy
>You hear the ribcage snapping as shit explodes out of the fluffy's ass
>You press on the fluffy's exposed lungs
>The cigarette flies out
>In one fluid motion, you catch it and throw it in the trash can
>Manager is amused-"Shiiit, you know how to treat these things. Imma have a seat, you keep going."
>The manager sits down, and you turn back to the fluffies
>The ones still in the cages are happily rolling in shit
>You yell, "YOUR FRIENDS ARE DYING, AND YOU DON'T CARE?"
>You don't wait for a response, becoming more familiar with their incohesive thinking process
>Take your cigarette lighter from your pocket, set one's fluff on fire
>The other fluffies hear its anguished cries of "Owwies! Munstah gif fwuffy ouchies!"
>They move closer, insisting that "Huggies make bettah"
>Fire spreads to the ones trying to hug the first one
>All try to hug each other
>They are all reduced to smoldering lumps of burnt flesh
>See one remaining fluffy in the corner
>It hasn't been annoying yet
>Guess it's the best one
>Pay manager shitload of cash for destroying merchandise
>"Come back some time, man. We'll mutilate these things again", he says
>Put the fluffy in a carboard box with holes in it
>Walk over to your car, throw the box on the back seat
>As you start the engine, it babbles "Loud sawhnd! Fwuffy heaww sound!"
>Apparently it finds commenting on everything necessary, as it accompanies every bump in the road with a string of incohesive speech
>It gets tired of speaking and to your dismay realizes that it is in a box, and boxes do not generally allow for very good lighting or vision
>It wails all the way home, complaining that "Dawk! Fwuffy wan' see!"
>Bring it home, pretty apprehensive
>You already hate it because of its atrocious English
>As you pick it up to put it somewhere, it starts talking again.
>Fwuffy wuv daddeh!
>These fucking retarded things trust any person they come in contact with
>Its babbling is really annoying you now, so you decide to throw it in a closet and go do something else
>Its terrible excuse for speech is now muffled, and headphones make it inaudible
>Have some decent leisure time gaming
>Keep gaming until you can't keep the screen in focus, you're barely awake
>You remember that fluffy piece of shit, decide to see if it's still talking
>You open the closet door, the fluffy barrels out, hugs your leg bawling
>What the fuck is this, you need sleep and this shit is being a first class attention whore
>Daddeh why no wuv fwuffy? Fwuffy wuv daddeh! it sobs
>In an emotional outburst it shits all over your feet
>You're barely containing yourself, tell the fluffy to shut the fuck up or you'll give it a reason to cry
>It seems to understand and resorts to shaking in the corner of the room
>You brush your teeth and go to bed
>Just as you're falling asleep, you hear the fluffy crying
>That cunt just signed its own gravestone
>You drag your feet to the room where the fluffy is
>It looks up at you and sobs
>Daddeh come fo fwuffy? Daddeh wuv fwuffy?
>You realize all it wants is love and means no harm
>The fuck kind of pussy-ass attitude is that
>Bitch, I told you that I don't want to hear another word from you
>Fwuffy sowwy, fwuffy be good, it whimpers, defecating and pissing on the floor
>The fuck is this shit
>You punt it square in the ass
>With a shriek it smacks against the wall and bursts out wailing on the floor
>We need some more disciplinary action up in this bitch
>You walk over to the fluffy
>It wails louder
>Which part of shut your fucking mouth do you not understand?
>Fwuffy no wan' ouchies! Fwuffy be good!
>This thing still isn't getting it
>You grab the object closest to you, which happens to be a corrugated steel flashlight, and shove it down the fluffy's throat
>It shudders and sprays shit in a 4 ft periphery all over your new TV
>This ain't gonna fly
>You take a pneumatic nail gun and pin it to a wall, put a bucket under it to catch inevitable shit
>Go back to bed
>After a few minutes, hear a loud clatter and screaming
>It somehow coughed up the flashlight
>You've had it with this shit, one last chance or it's dead
>You come up to it and try in the most diplomatic and refined of manners explain what you want it to do.
>IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH I WILL CUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!
>Daddeh! Fwuffy be good! Fwuffy wuv Daddeh! Fwuffy wan' sketties!
>Not only is this shit still babbling, it's demanding food
>I'M NOT GIVING YOU FOOD YOU FAT FUCK!
>You take a kitchen knife and grasp the fluffy's throat
>It seems to understand what you're about to do and starts trying to run, screaming
>Nuuuuu! Fwuffy wuv Daddeh!
>If you love me, why are you running away? you sneer
>Its flailing legs look so pathetic you burst out laughing
>Daddeh happy? Daddeh wuv fwuffy? Hope and terror are frozen in its eyes.
>No, you cunt.
>You put down the knife, take gardening shears and cut its legs off
>It starts rolling around like a soccer ball,leaving a smear of shit and blood
>That is too fucking tempting
>You dropkick it across the room
>It wails even louder
>You ignore it and bring the shears to its throat
>You can feel it trembling and its neck pulsating
>You slowly start cutting its neck open
>Fwuffy no wan' ouchies!
>It manages to squeal a final "Fwuffy be good..." before you close the shears around its neck
>Chunks of its spine fall down its esophagus, blood and shit spurts everywhere
>What the fuck, it's heart is still beating? We need to fix that.
>You call up your bro, a retired general
>He comes over in his Marauder armored personell carrier and rolls over the fluffy a few times
>Shit that engine sounds good
>Smoke billows out of the exhaust pipes as your friend drives back and forth
>This very well might be the most fun you've had in a while
>That does the trick, the fluffy has been reduced to matted fur scattered around a pile of crushed bones
>Its intestines are lying flattened on the floor, blood bubbling in a puddle
>You take its eyeballs out and shoot each one with a standard issue pistol your friend brought along
>Throw a grenade in the pile of fluffy
>Take a pressure hose and wash all the remains into the street drain
>Suddenly you stop in your tracks
>WHAT HAVE I DONE? I KILLED A DEFENSELESS BEING THAT LOVED ME!
>Your smile turns to a grimace as in anguish you regret all that you did
>A deep feeling of grief fills you
>What will your friends think?
>You knew you should have sliced it with a machete and served it up
>You have no steak
>Grill night is going to be shit