Pastebin launched a little side project called HostCabi.net, check it out ;-)Don't like ads? PRO users don't see any ads ;-)
Public Pastes

Trouble In Paradise, Part 2: Wingman (Not canon)

By: Fuckasaurus_Fuck on Oct 5th, 2012  |  syntax: None  |  size: 5.00 KB  |  hits: 41  |  expires: Never
download  |  raw  |  embed  |  report abuse  |  print
Text below is selected. Please press Ctrl+C to copy to your clipboard. (⌘+C on Mac)
  1. >An hour later, Anon has just left
  2. >Dinner was disastrous, just as you thought
  3. >Anon somehow managed to get Starsplash to ask Jennifer about a variety of awkward topics
  4. >These included sex, her relationship status, and her breast size
  5. >They're 32C
  6. >You sigh after cleaning everything up
  7. "So, uh...that went...well."
  8. "Yeah...Is he always like that?"
  9. >Jen hasn't really been around Anon since Cleveland
  10. "You really don't know the half of it."
  11. "Right. I get the idea he was trying to...set something up."
  12. >Shit
  13. "What do you mean?"
  14. "Daddeh, you bein a dummeh! Jennifew askin bout bein speshuw fwends."
  15. >Dammit, Sunsplash, if you weren't so adorable there would be a sorry box on your property
  16. >Jen pats Sun on the head
  17. "Oh, wow...this is awkward..."
  18. "You can say that again..."
  19. >Neither of you speak for about five minutes
  20. >Jen continues petting Sunsplash
  21. >You just stand there
  22. >Spaghetti levels rising
  23. "Hey, Marcus?"
  24. "Yeah?"
  25. "Do you mind if I ask you something?"
  26. "Daddeh gon be yo speshuw fwend?"
  27. >You need a drink
  28. "No, Sunsplash...I was just wondering what made you let me stay here."
  29. "Well, I mean...Cleveland's fucked for lack of a better word, and you DID say you didn't have anywhere to go."
  30. >Recap: Cleveland is a shit-filled crater at this point
  31. >Literally
  32. >Honestly, though, you hadn't thought about that yourself
  33. >You just kind of...offered
  34. "I mean...I had a lot of room. I just sort of asked I guess."
  35. "Well, I never really thanked you. That was pretty amazing."
  36. "Daddeh nicest hooman!"
  37. >Jen rustles Sunsplash's mane again
  38. "Well, it's been an...interesting day. I'm going to sleep."
  39. "See you tomorrow then."
  40. "Sunspwas sweepy too..."
  41. "I'll put you to bed tonight. I think your daddy's staying up for a bit."
  42. >Jen carries Sunsplash upstairs
  43. >You head downstairs to your bar
  44. >That's right, you had one put in. Money's cool like that
  45. "Captain Morgan, you're my best friend..."
  46.  
  47. >Three hours and several drinks later, you're fucking wasted
  48. >Naturally, you pick up your phone and make a call
  49. "Marcus...it's two in the morning...what do you want?"
  50. "Anon...you- you was a asshole...you an' Shtar-Sun...what'sh his name..."
  51. "Marcus. You are drunk. I am exhausted. Let's discuss this tomorrow."
  52. >Anon hangs up
  53. "Yeah, well fuck you too..."
  54. >You barely manage to stumble back upstairs
  55. >You fall face first onto your couch and pass out
  56.  
  57. >You are Anon, and you've been woken up by a very drunk, very angry Marcus
  58. >After a very short, very drunk, very angry conversation, you're very tired
  59. "Fuckin' two thirty..."
  60. >Maybe this IS somewhat your fault, though
  61. >Just a little bit
  62. >You did kind of tell Starsplash to ask Jen some...less than gentlemanly things
  63. >But that is no excuse for waking you up at two in the morning!
  64. "Ugh...who drinks this early anyway?"
  65. >You roll over and fall back asleep
  66.  
  67. >You wake up at ten
  68. >Now that your head's a bit clearer, you can think about what you've done
  69. >There's a few possibilities
  70. >Number one: Marcus and Jen shrugged it off and did nothing
  71. >Numbet two: They had extremely awkward and shameful sex
  72. >Number three: They are now a couple
  73. >Number four: Murder-suicide
  74. >You're pretty sure it's either two or four
  75. "Better check on him...Come on, Starsplash. We're visiting uncle Marcus."
  76. >Upon arrival, you spot Jen tending to the Alicorns
  77. "Hey, Jen. Uh...sorry about yesterday..."
  78. "Don't worry about it. I thought it was kind of funny. Might want to check up on Marcus though."
  79. >You head into the house
  80. >Marcus is asleep on the couch with an empty bottle of Captain Morgan in his hand
  81. >You start poking him
  82. "Hey, sleepyhead...wake up. Someone's apologizing to you..."
  83. >He just groans and rolls over
  84. "Well, I tried. Let's go Star-"
  85. "Not so fast, asshole...I'm awake."
  86. "Oh, um...good morning, Marcus. I just wanted-"
  87. "YOU, just decided to fuck around with my perfectly fine private life."
  88. "Well, when you put it THAT way..."
  89. "Uncwe mawcus, you weawwy makin daddeh sound wike an asshowe."
  90. >Now you're glad you taught Starsplash to swear
  91. "Anon, do you have any idea how unbearably awkward it's going to be around here now that you-"
  92. "Now that I accomplished my mission as best wingman ever? Come on, Marcus. Just go for it.
  93. "No fucking way. Not going anywhere near that. I mean, fuck...I let her live here for free after Cleveland."
  94. >He DID just let her stay after Cleveland exploded...
  95. >But that just doesn't seem right to you
  96. "Uncwe Mawcus...quit bein a pussy. Jus go fow it o you wegwet it fowevah."
  97. >Such wisdom from your little man!
  98. "He's right, dude. Remember high school?"
  99. "I remember YOU getting with Bailey..."
  100. "Because YOU didn't go for it..."
  101. >Marcus sighs
  102. "Alright. Fuck it. I'll take her to Olive Garden or some shit. But if this goes south, you owe me."
  103. >Nailed it
  104. "Sure, Marcus. If that happens, just let me know and I'll get you whatever it is you need."
  105. "You better hope that doesn't happen, Anon."
  106. >You're like... 87% certain it won't
  107. >Mission accomplished
  108. >You say your goodbyes and walk out the door with Starsplash
  109. >You grin widely the whole way home
  110. >Best. Wingman. Ever.
create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data