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Science Is Fun, Part 2: The Gauntlet

By: Fuckasaurus_Fuck on Sep 12th, 2012  |  syntax: None  |  size: 4.67 KB  |  hits: 74  |  expires: Never
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  1. >You are an employee for Hasbro Bio-Toys
  2. >Your new designation is Employee #098263-A
  3. >You've been promoted
  4. >Now, you get to work with a brand new group of fluffies
  5. >You get your assignment from your boss
  6. "Alright...your job is to simply tell the fluffies they get spaghetti if they survive. Take notes."
  7. "It's that simple, sir?"
  8. "Of course not...these are Alicorns who've been injected with 'normal' genes."
  9. "I see."
  10. "Have fun."
  11. >You intend to
  12. >Before releasing the fluffies, you examine their enclosure
  13. >It's exactly the same as the Alicorns'
  14. "Huh...what's this button do?"
  15. >You see a button labeled, "PUSH ONCE FLUFFIES RELEASED"
  16. >You release the fluffies and tell them the drill
  17. >This time there's 10
  18. >Again, genders are divided half and half
  19. "Alright, everyone. If you can survive for one day, you all get spaghetti."
  20. >Mixed results
  21. "SKETTIS! Wah? Wewe scawy noise come fwom? Pway? MEANIE VOICE! WHY CAN' FWUFFY SEE!?"
  22. >First note: "The fluffies seem to have the cognitive abilities of a bag of hammers."
  23. >This group should be interesting
  24. >You look down and notice that shiny red button
  25. >You feel as giddy as a school girl as you press it
  26. >You look into the enclosure as it changes before your eyes
  27. >A buzzsaw now sticks out of the center of the floor
  28. >Cattle prods protrude from a corner
  29. >The other corner appears to be glowing red
  30. >That corner's heated from below
  31. >It is 600 degrees, Farenheit
  32. "Oh, boy this should be hilarious."
  33. "New fwen? Wan huggies?"
  34. >One of the fluffies approaches the buzzsaw
  35. >It hugs it, and immediately becomes two fluffy-halves
  36. >You jot down another few notes
  37. >"Subject tried to make friends with buzzsaw. Results were predictable."
  38. "Why fwend sweepy? Wake up!"
  39. >The other 9 fluffies try to hug the two halves of the corpse back to life
  40. >When they fail, they notice the bloody saw
  41. "MEANIE MUNSTAH MAKE FWEND TAKE WONGEST SWEEPIES!"
  42. >They blow raspberries at it
  43. >At least they can learn from experience
  44. >A few more notes
  45. >You look up to see one with its rear pointed at the saw
  46. "FWUFFY GIF SOWWY POOPIES!"
  47. >It sprays a stream of liquid shit at the saw
  48. >The saw, in turn, flings diarrhea all over the fluffies
  49. >Neat
  50. "Nu smeww pwetty..."
  51. >They do not appear to have connected shitting on the saw with being showered in shit
  52. >Notes, notes, notes
  53. >This group is definitely gonna keep you entertained
  54. >You sit and watch as two more fluffies wander to the cattle prods
  55. "Buzzy fwends wan huggies?"
  56. >The prods emit an audible hum
  57. >You giggle a bit as the fluffies go to hug them
  58. >FUCKING ZAP
  59. "www-w--ww-why fw-wfwf-fwend hh-h-huwt ff-f-f-wuff-fie...?"
  60. >The fluffies have either lost control of their muscles or are too dumb to let go
  61. >Their fluff begins to smolder where the prods make contact
  62. >They void their bowels and begin screeching
  63. >Their eyes pop, and they go limp
  64. >Next note: "Fluffies attempted to hug cattle prods. Results were pretty fucking cool."
  65. >7 remain alive
  66. >By now, there's a smarty friend
  67. >How did this one come to be smarty?
  68. "Fwuffy am smawty becus haf wingies AN head pointy! Means am smawtest fwuffy evah!"
  69. >The rest agree
  70. >No sign of intelligent life
  71. >You watch for a few more hours and 3 more die
  72. >2 on the buzzsaw: one from hugs and one trying to give "owies"
  73. >The other tried to wake the charred corpses on the caddle prods
  74. >Somehow, it accidentally got one lodged in its throat
  75. >It basically cooked from the inside-out
  76. >The remaining 4 fluffies seem to be doing well
  77. >They somehow haven't discovered the-
  78. "WAAAAH!!! FWUFFY BUWNY! HEWP FWUFFY!"
  79. >Whoops, spoke too soon
  80. >One of the fluffies walked right onto the superheated metal plate in the corner of the room
  81. >He instantly combusted
  82. >He ran in circles for a few seconds
  83. >The other fluffies tried to make him better
  84. "Wah wong? Need huggies?"
  85. >Oh my God they're not going to...
  86. >They are
  87. >They try to hug him back to health
  88. >They all catch fire
  89. >They scream and run in circles for about 3 minutes
  90. >By then, all that remains of the test fluffies are corpses in various states of, for lack of a better word, shit
  91. >4 melted fluffies
  92. >3 cooked fluffies
  93. >3 fluffy-halves
  94. >You finish up your notes and check the clock
  95. >They all managed to kill themselves within 3 and a half hours
  96. >You summarize your notes with one simple sentence:
  97. >"Fluffy ponies are fucking retarded."
  98. >You hand in your notes to the boss man
  99. "Well, that was quick...how'd the exper-"
  100. "They're dead already."
  101. "Thought so..."
  102. >He glances over your notes
  103. "You've done some great work this week. I'm giving you another promotion."
  104. >You now make $150 thousand a year, and get to decide what traps to use in future experiments
  105. >You walk out of your boss's office with a devilish grin on your face
  106. >Science sure is fun
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