Title:           Dumb shit I wrote
Author:          FlamingHomophone
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/6YzwYu3g
First Edit:      Tuesday 13th of October 2015 01:33:10 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Sunday 25th of September 2016 03:23:47 AM CDT

>Gracious me, we're here already?!"
>"Well, welcome to Ponyville, Anonymous!"
>"No need to be shy, everypony here is so nice and loving!"
>"We're sure to find your special somepony here!"
>"Now before we start, you have to tell me what you're looking for."
>"What is she like, dearie, the gal of your dreams?"
>"Is she kind and gentle?"
>"Maybe charitable as well?"
>"Or is honesty the best policy?"
>"Do you seek laughter and mirth?"
>"Does she always have her nose in a book?"
>"Or perhaps her head is in the clouds?!"
>"No matter what, I know there's a pony here for you!"
>"All we have to do is get started!"
>"Pardon us, miss."
>"My friend and I just arrived in town, and we could really use some guidance."
>"Perhaps you aren't too busy to join us for a spot of tea?"
>"Oh, of course. Prior engagements must come first. It's always important to keep promises!"
>"We hope you have a wonderful day!"
>"No matter, Anonymous, there are plenty of other extraordinary mares in Ponyville."
>"Miss?! Miss! Greetings!"
>"I was hoping you could show this kind gentleman around town."
>"Oh, you're spoken for. Ah, I can sense it in you now, your love for him is boundless!"
>"I wish you and your loved one joy eternal! Goodbye, for now!"
>Oh my, perk up now Anonymous, I'm sure this is just a rough patch."
>"I might not find you a soulmate before tea time, but I'll find your waifu if that means turning all of Equestria upside down!"
-----
>You will never sneak up behind A.K. Yearling as she sits in front of her typewriter trying to untangle a writer's block.
>You will never wrap your arms around Yearling in a big surprise hug.
>She will never push you away, annoyed.
>You will never sensuously invite her to bed to help create some "inspiration."
>She will never flatly state she's busy.
>You will never sulk off to bed for another lonely night.
>Your screams of terror will never cause Yearling to rush to your room, too late to save you from being kidnapped by the evil Ahuizotl.
>She will never throw aside her disguise and become Daring Do.
>She will never go on an epic quest to save you.
>You will never have hot steamy horse sex with your rescuer.
-----
>Be anon standing in middle of town, minding your own business.
>A spirited young filly runs up to you, practically hopping up and down with excitement.
>A similarly colored mare follows suit.
>"Mom, mom! Here it is! I just saw it wandering around on its own! Isn't it just the cutest? Can I keep it, please?! Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease!!"
>"I don't know, sweetie. A human is a big responsibility."
>The motherly mare canters up to you and affectionately places a hoof on your stomach.
>"It is pretty adorable though," the mare says.
>She starts rubbing your belly.
>"Aren't chu just pwecious, yes you are! Yes you are! Who's a funny bunny studdy buddy!? You, that's who!"
>The little filly clings to your ankle like it's a life preserver in the middle of the open ocean.
>"Is that a yes then, mom?"
>"Ooooh, all right," she says after not a lot of thought at all.
>"But I expect you to feed it, bathe it, and clean up after it, all on your own. Is that understood, young lady?"
>"Yes! Yes! Yes!"
>The ecstatic little filly wraps her hoof around your hand and starts dragging you away.
>She starts running her mouth off, going through all the fun adventures you two will soon have; how you'll sleep at the foot of her bed, how she'll train you to do funny tricks to impress her friends, how you'll both grow old together and she'll tearfully have to put you down.
>God damn it this is like the fourth time this week this kinda shit has happened these small fucking horses.
-----
>You will never invite Rarity to stay at your house while her boutique gets renovated.
>You will never insist that she sleep in your bed while you crash on the couch.
>She will never politely decline, even as you keep demanding she sleep in your room.
>You will never race Rarity to your couch.
>You will never fall onto the couch first, a big stupid grin on your face.
>She will never jump on top of you.
>You will never laugh with her so much you both tire out.
>You will never fall asleep on your cramped couch with Rarity in your arms, her head laying against your chest.
>You will never wake up the next morning and impale your eye on her horn.
>You will never get to wear a bitching eye patch.
-----
>Bout a month since Rarity passed
>Turns out those shiny green gems she had been using were uranium-235
>Say what you want, but at the end of her life she was absolutely glowing
>Everyone took it pretty hard
>Especially Sweetie Bell
>Visit Rarity's tombstone to pay respects
>Find open grave
>Fuck
>We got a zombie on our hands
>And a radioactive zombie at that
>The worst kind, after magic zombies
>Head over to carousel boutique to warn Sweetie Bell (zombies eat family first)
>She doesn't answer the door
>Bust it down, find Sweetie Bell in a hooded cloak, red and black for maximum edge potential
>She's standing over candle-lit pentagram drawn with red crayon, in the middle of which lays Rarity's body
>Sweetie turns to you, "D-don't try to stop me Anon! I want my sister back! I don't care what it takes!"
>She levitates a butter knife and disembowels a small animal
>Fucking candy falls out
>What a waste of time
>Could've used this time to do something productive, like refining uranium
>You turn to leave, when Sweetie takes out a old leathered book from under her book
>It's the goddamn necronomicon
>Before you can sprint over and grab it
>"Klaata berata niktos."
>The center of the pentagram explodes into smoke and ash
>It knocks you and Sweetie against the wall
>As the smoke clears, Rarity's very much alive form appears
>Her coat has a reddish tinge, like a double delight rose and she's sporting a new pair of bat wings on her back
>Two petite horns adorn the top of her head
>Her previously twirly tail now tapers off to an arrowhead point
>And her hooves have been replaced with evil hooves
>They're different because they're more demonic and shit
>She opens her eyes, glowing like fiery embers
>"I ARISE. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAA."
>Sweetie is cowering in fear
>Damn, you want to fuck that semen demon