Carfag - Smokey at the End of the Rainbow

>Throughout this fic, you can play https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mos18RbWaqs for minor effect.

>We begin our ballad in the back roads of Canterlot, in a dragstrip.

>It's Saturday afternoon, with banners laden across the booths proclaiming, "Drag Race Tournament Today!"

>Two girls, one about 13, the other 16, walk side by side.

>"We'll need somebody legendary."

>The one girl, red haired and pale skin, looked incredibly serious.

>Another with purple hair, a little short, looked up and smiled.

>"I know exactly who."

>The three girls all drove to a nearby drag strip, where their mark was.

>"Rainbow Dash."

>Their 'legendary' racer laid in a hammock, wearing a small Rockabilly-like cowboy hat covered the entirety of her face.

>Under the hat, her slightly tanned face was crowned with female Aviator sunglasses.

>A sign near her said "Racer 42, Rainbow Dash. Signatures given."

>She lifted her hat, to reveal a flowing head of hair, laiden with the seven shades of the rainbow.

>All she did was laugh, as she looked up at the two girls.

"Well, if it ain't Scoots and Sunny."

>The older one was pretty irritable.

>"It must be hard to define a legend if all you do is lay on your ass."

"I get things done, on my own time."

>"C'mon, Dash, let's walk and talk."

>Dash slung herself around and got up and in doing so, grabbed a bottle of Hard Apple Cider from a tray passing by.

>Hard Apple Cider was normal Apple Cider mixed with any type of alcohol, and sold commercially in Canterlot.

>She twisted off the bottlecap, somehow, and took a long drink.

>"Now, you see all these drag racers here, Dash?"

"What about 'em?"

>"Just look. Some of their cars, cost $100,000 in parts and performance."

"Okay, so what?"

>"I've got a good friend here. His birthday's tomorrow, and he wanted some, special, drinks."

"There's a soda truck down the way."

>The older one was obviously frustrated at this point, but kept calm.

>"I'd like you to drop out of the races for a better deal."

>Clearly the younger girl could negotiate.

"Why in the hell would I do that?"

>"Well, what's 1000, times 400?"

"400,000."

>"That's why."

"Dollars?"

>"Yep."

"So what is it that's worth 400,000 dollars?"

>"400 cases of Hard Apple Cider, down near the brewery in Appleloosa."

"Sounds easy, it's a 2-day drive. Child's play."

>"Well, I said his birthday's tomorrow."

>Dash was taken aback.

"Jesus Christ, how fast do think I am?"

>"Depends on you."

"Well I'll need a car, to block the truck, y'know?"

>She counts a wallop of $100 bills.

"Speedy car."

>She counts a few more.

"Smooth ride."

>Couple more.

"Real fast. Plenty of power."

>Then the little girl grasped all the money in her hand.

>"Y'know what? Take the whole damn stack."

>She handed the bills to Dash.

"If you say so, madame."

>Dash hopped in a silver Peterbilt and headed down to a local car dealership.

>"Welcome, What can I do ya for?"

"What's a nice little car, got lots of power, and really fast?"

>"Look no further. Here, follow me."

>The salesman led Rainbow Dash to the back room.

>"Here it is."

>He flipped the light switch.

>In the center of the room, on a platinum pedestal, sat a stunning 1971 Plymouth Duster 340 in Evening Blue.

>Accessories include: a black hood that was crowned with dual functional hood scoops, "340" stripes emblazoned on the hood, hockey stick-type stripes on the sides, all topped off with chromed Mopar Rally Wheels.

"Now, how much do I owe you?"

>"20,000, with all the options, 30."

>She got $50,000 from the girls.

"Less than I expected. Here, this'll cover it."

>She handed the bills over to the salesman, of whom then shook hands with her.

>"Much obliged, ma'am. Here you are."

>After being signing the car's pink slip, she loaded the Plymouth onto the trailer and headed west.

>Rainbow then stopped at a small farm, parking the Peterbilt in front of the farmhouse.

>Dash rushed to the porch, and knocked on the door.

>A small girl, about 10 years old, opened the door.

>"Oh, hi Rainbow Dash."

"Hey Applebloom, can you go get Applejack?"

>The girl dashed back inside, and Dash was greeted by a woman that had blonde hair, which was covered by a similar Rockabilly hat, and wore jeans, leather cowboy boots, a leather belt, accompanied by a fairly large belt buckle, and a red plaid shirt, which was tied in a knot in the front, revealing a tanned midsection.

>"Rainbow, how've ya been?"

>She had a clear-cut Southern drawl in her voice.

"I've been great, but I'm way better today."

>"Here, come on in and tell me 'bout it."

>They walked inside, as the wooden storm door smacked the door frame.

"Here AJ, I've got a deal for you."

>"I'm all ears, shug."

"I got a job, and I gotta go to Appleloosa to get it."

>"Get what?"

"400 cases of Hard Cider."

>"Y'all know that's bootleggin', right?"

"Yeah, but you still wanna do it?"

>"Well...I ain't gonna get thrown in jail, again. And hell...I also gotta pick up some manure and get it to Manehatten tomorrow."

"Must be a shitty job."

>"Yeah, yeah...I still don't know, shug."

"C'mon, It's us! AJ and Rainbow Dash!"

>"The hell with it, I'll do it."

"Great!"

>"Now, you got a fast set of wheels? To block the truck?"

"Why don'tcha wait a second, and I'll unload it off the truck."

>Dash fired up and pulled the Plymouth Duster 340 out onto the grass.

>"Well, well! Look at that beauty!"

"The dang thing was a pretty penny, but it's fast, and loud, as hell."

>"I'm impressed myself that'd you buy a Plymouth, 'n not a Chevy. C'mon Winona!"

>She whistled loudly, and small Beagle bounded out of the house.

"Let's go, AJ."

>Rainbow took the Duster, revving the 340 Slant-6 engine a few times, and sped off into the afternoon.

>Applejack opened up the passenger door to the cab, letting her dog in, the mounted up and fired the engine to the monstrous 18-wheeler.

"Breaker Goldielocks, c'mon back."

>"You got me here, girl."

>They used the CB Radio, which was an option that came with Dash's Plymouth.

"You got the plan for the radio, right?"

>"Are we gonna use a special station or somethin'?"

"Here, when I say, 'Go to 6.', go to 5. You get my idea?"

>"10-4. What's your twenty?"

"I'm headin' west bound and down on the good ol' Interstate, We'll meet up at 9th and Kensington."

>"I copy. 10-4, RD."

>She placed the microphone back in its holster and continued down the road.

>Then a red flag popped up.

>Actually, a red light.

>And a blue one.

>And a siren.

"Ah, shit."

>She took the Plymouth and swerved off the road, pulling up behind a motel.

>It was nighttime.

>To be cautious, she turned off the lights and the engine.

>The police cruiser, a '76 Plymouth Gran Fury, passed right by without checking behind the motel.

>She then pulled it out slowly, keeping the headlights off, and then back until she reached the parking lot, to which she flashed a shit-eating grin and squealed away.

"Goldielocks, what's your twenty?"

>"Mile marker...85, come on!"

>There's a bark in the background.

"How are your vocal chords, AJ?"

>"Well, my vocal chords are fine. I may be a little worried 'bout Winona here, she's chewin' up everything in this doggone cab!"

"Ha! 10-4, sister."

>After four hours, they reach a small town.

>"Welp, we're here."

"Guess it's inside."

>Applejack tried the door to the designated place, the back of a liquor store.

>"Damn, it's locked."

>Dash kicked the door open.

"Not anymore. I'll get the cider, you load it up."

>"Now what exactly are you going to get it with?"

"That. A forklift."

>"Y'all can't drive a forklift."

"I can drive anything I forkin' want."

>"Y'all got jokes, don'tcha?"

>Dash took the forklift and loaded up the boxes, until the trailer was full.

"Let's get going, AJ."

>"We gotta pay for the mess we made."

"Make the bill out to Scootaloo and Sunset."

>Applejack stayed there, scribbling on a pad, as Dash peeled off.

>"Send bill to Scootaloo and Sunset Shimmer..Scoot-a-loo..Okay..Sun-set..Shim..Shit, I've got to go."

>She ran to the cab and fired up the truck, speeding to catch up to Rainbow.

>Then the County Sherriff's Department caught wind of a reckless driver in a blue Plymouth Duster, and the squad cars went on chasing Rainbow Dash.

>"RD, I just passed another group of smokies, you read?"

"Loud 'n clear."

>"Breaker breaker 1-9, for the Blue Duster."

"Come on back, Breaker."

>"I got a smokey report for you, c'mon!"

"Well talk to me, boy!"

>"You got trouble comin'..."

"Well, what's your handle son, and what's your twenty?"

>"This is Smokey Bear, and I'm tail-grabbin' your blue ass right now!"

>Behind her, immediately as she checked in the rearview mirror, was Appleloosan Sherriff Willis B. Traveler in a Dodge Monaco squad car.

"Ah, god damn it."

>She took and flicked the wheel left and right, and floored the accelerator.

"Let's see what he's got under that hood."

>By now, Dash had fallen behind AJ's truck, and proceeded to speed ahead and pass the rig, before an oncoming car nearly took her out.

>The sherriff, however, swerved to avoid said car, and ended up being tossed to the side by the rig.

>"RD, you see that?"

"What?"

>"That doggone sherriff was tryin' to drive under my damn wheels."

>"This is Sherrif Willis B. Traveler, where are you, Duster? Do you hear what I am sayin'?"

"I hear you, Sherriff."

>"Where in the hell did you go?"

"Well, Sherriff, can I ask you a question?"

>"I don't see why not."

"Do the letters FO mean anything to you?"

>No response.

"Hey Diamante, this is Rainbow Dash, come on back."

>"I hear you, Rainbow Dash. This is Diamante, please respond."

>It was Rarity, owner of a local alterations parlor.

"You got any sort of distraction?"

>"Well, Rainbow Dash, what kind of predicament have you gotten into this time?"

"I've got a few smokies on my trail. And a skirt chaser or two."

>"Again? Oh, well I have a funeral to attend, so the 'procession' can work for you, if you wish. Just head east on Interstate 55."

"Thank you very much."

>She snickered to herself.

"He's not going to catch up."

>The 340 rumbled through another 5 miles before another intervention.

>"RD, c'mon back to AJ over the CB, you got your ears on?"

"I hear you crystal clear, hon. What's up next?"

>"Y'all might have to pay attention, those smokies are gonna follow you."

"Alright, Goldie, I'll have to turn you loose a second."

>A woman in a long purple dress was hitchhiking.

"Twilight?"

>She flicked her head towards Dash and her Duster.

>"Oh! Hey!"

"C'mere, get in the car!"

>Twilight flung the door open and dropped into the black leather bucket seat, another option.

"So what are you doing in a cocktail dress standing on the side of the road?"

>"There was some group of rowdy guys with Flash, and they just decided to leave me here."

"I understand, but why would he do that?"

>"He's just, unh, an ass."

>She began tearing off her clothes, leaving her lacy magenta and purple lingerie, then grabbing the bag of normal clothes from a bag she tossed onto the floor earlier.

>Rainbow decided to be cheeky and held a CB microphone up near Twilight while she was rambling on about what happened.

"AJ, you hear this?"

>"Impossible not to, sweetheart."

>She then directed her attention back to Twilight.

"Didn't know you were one for that kind of crowd, Twi."

>"That's just, how it came, oof, to be."

>She was still talking as she undressed.

"Just gotta get out of there, right?"

>"Yeah, guess so."

>Twilight continued, as she put on a casual outifit.

>"So what are you doing this time, Rainbow Dash?"

"Business."

>"What kind of business? Rally racing?"

"No, I just got bet by some girls back home to bring back 400 cases of hard cider in a short time."

>"How much time do you have until the party?"

"28 hours."

>"28 hours?! That's crazy!"

"You should know that I'm a little crazy."

>"Not as crazy as Pinkie Pie, though."

"No doubt. Didn't she jump, like, 20 buses with a '67 Mustang?"

>"Yeah. She tried to set a record."

>Dash turned on a police scanner.

>"What's the that for?"

"You see, since I'm not the one driving a truck, I gotta block the truck, y'know?"

>"Divert the attention of the police to you, rather than on the illegal shipments of beverages. Brilliant plan."

"Hold on a second."

>She flicked the steering wheel back and forth.

>"I didn't know you drove like this, Rainbow Dash. Makes me wonder how you got a license after how many times you failed on the test."

"Hey, hey. I still got one, didn't I?"

>After all, she had to drive home in 28 hours.

>"RD, watch for those smokey patrols on I-55, you read?"

"Copy, 10-4. Hey, looks like I'll be takin' a stop. Get some go-go juice and some snacks. Keep on truckin', Goldie."

>"I read you. 10-4."

>Rainbow ended up pulling up near a diner/gas station.

>"Duster Twister! What's your pleasure?"

"Fill 'er up."

>Dash walked inside, taking a seat at the counter.

"Lemme get a Chickasaw burger and an iced tea."

>"Alright, shug."

>The sherriff came in, not noticing Dash.

>"You want something?"

>"A drink or somethin', sherriff."

>"Well, we ain't got no goddamn time for you think, son."

>He storms back over to a spot, the assorted pieces of metal jingle-jangling on over.

>"I'll need a Diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper, I'm in a goddamn hurry."

"You chasing somebody, Sherriff? Somebody chasing you?"

>"Nobody's chasing me, ma'am. I've been chasing a goddamn maniac, from Appleloosa."

"Oh?"

>"I'm damn sure of it."

"What'd he do? Rob a bank?"

>"Bank robbery?! Bank robbery is baby shit compared to what this fool is doin'!"

"You must be in one hell of a hurry, huh, Sherriff?"

>"You bet your candied ass."

>She rolled up a bag.

"Here, sherriff."

>Dash slipped a 20 on the counter.

>"There ain't no need for that, ma'am."

"Just for an officer of the law."

>"Well, much obliged, and do you know where the can is?"

>She pointed to a door.

>Rainbow now had put her hat back on, and sprinted out to the parking lot.

"Twilight!"

>Twilight drove the Duster along the parking lot, as Dash jumped through the window.

"What the hell are you doing?"

>"The Sherriff was in there!"

"I know that! Here, just..."

>After about 10 minutes of driving and what may have looked like softcore pornography, Dash and Twilight switched seats while still on the move.

>Then a wrench was thrown into the plans.

>The Sherriff from Appleloosa was on Dash's tail again.

"What's an Appleloosa cop doing in Canterlot?"

>"I don't know, Rainbow Dash."

"I don't know either."

>She looked at Twilight.

>"I don't know!"

>She threw her arms up, with the "I'm serious, I don't fucking know" look.

"Well, who the heck knows? AJ?"

>"I sure as hell don't know."

>They continue about 10 miles then see an upcoming roadblock.

>Rainbow looked up beyond the dashboard to see 2 squad cars blocking the road.

>She slammed the brake and tugged the wheel to the left to derail the roadblock.

>For fun, she turned on the scanner.

>"You see that Sherriff? They completely denied the roadblock!"

>"You poor sons of bitches couldn't close an umbrella, much less a non-residential roadway."

"Ha! You copy that, AJ?"

>"10-4, I got it."

>The Duster handled the off-road session well, despite its ground clearance.

>"Rainbow, I don't think this car was built for this..."

>Twilight's voice wavered as you hit multiple bumps and roots along the backroad.

>Then a delightful "Bridge Out" sign greeted their prescence.

"That's not good."

>She slammed the gas, turned the wheel and tapped the brake, and preformed a J-turn.

>After going the opposite way, she saw the police cruisers following her.

"That's worse."

>She preformed another J-turn.

>"What are you doing?!"

"Just watch."

>She blows through the sign.

>"Are you crazy?!"

"Hold on to your stuff!"

>The engine roared and screamed like a caged lion, and before long, the Plymouth was airborne.

>It seemed to glide through the air, and then hit the ground, hard.

>The suspension buckled severely, and threw the two around.

>"Rainbow Dash! You're just as bad as Pinkie Pie!"

>She looked over to Twilight, giving an "Are you reeeeally sure?" look on her face.

"You sure about that?"

>"Well, no..."

"Anyways, Goldielocks, where are you?"

>"I'm, oh, 16 miles outside Fillydelphia."

"Well I just dumped those smokies off the Rembrand Bridge, they all took a little swim."

>"Don't they know this ain't Saturday?"

"Heh, well I guess not."

>"Hey, uh, RD, I just passed another kojak with a Kodak, this place is crawling with bears. Where are the hell are you?"

"Interstate 76."

>"Interstate 76?"

"Yep."

>"Shit, you got some ground to cover there. That's about 25 miles out my back door, sister."

"I got plenty of time. Canterlot's just around the corner."

>"Yeah, around the corner alright. And 88 god-dang miles."

"Alright, alright."

>Then over the CB, Dash heard a motorcycle engine

>"You hear that? That be Mr. Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme a hand, sister, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission, gal!"

"Hold on to what ya got! Here I come!"

>The Duster Twister's 340 roared and flied down the oddly barren highway.

>Must be time for church.

>Soon enough, the truck is pulled over on an exit for Interstate 10, the next route.

>Before long, that motorcycle cop is now on Dash's tail.

>She took the wheel and swerved to the left, causing the motorcycle to lose control and veer off into a drainage ditch.

"C'mon back to me girl, I lost him."

>"Hot damn, You lucky devil! Where are you?"

"'Bout a mile and a half ahead of you, and rollin'."

>"Imma catch up."

"Alrighty. It might be a minute, I still got some smokies on my backdoor."

>"10-4. What kind of smokies are rolling around here?"

"I don't know, they can't stay on my trail long enough for me to see."

>"I'll change channels here, y'all need some help by the looks of it."

"Breaker Breaker 1-9, this is RD on the CB, I need a cover on my backdoor here, anyone read?"

>"RD, this is Hungry Jack, the rollin' highway man. I heard you need some help on the backdoor, you read me?"

"10-4, bud. What's your twenty?"

>"Right on your trail, sweetheart."

An 18-wheeler rolled up behind her.

>"Breaker, RD, this here's Eagle Eye."

"C'mon back, breaker."

>"You need a front door on this house, gal?"

"I do, I do. C'mon down in front, I'd be very happy.

>Another 18-wheeler rolls up beside you.

>"Breaker, RD, I'm comin' up on your right, you read?"

"10-4. What's your handle, son?"

>Another one right of Dash, in a twist of convience.

>Nice to have friends in high places.

>"This here's Pig Pen, c'mon."

"Well I'd very much appreciate the help here."

>"10-4. Pullin' down the speed here."

>Rainbow, Twilight and their Duster were now voluntarily boxed in.

>Glancing under the tires of the 18-wheeler next to her, Rainbow saw a battalion of Pontiac LeMans, Dodge Polaras and Monacos, and Oldsmobile Cutlasses.

>She was quite the bandit.

"Much obliged for all your help, gentlemen, but I've got somewhere to be."

>The one on the side pulled ahead and merged right ahead, all three honking in celebration as the Plymouth sped ahead.

>She sped ahead, and passed the sign describing the exits.

>In the midst, her eyes trailed to the radio sitting between hers and Twilight's legs.

>The electronic face read 3:45 P.M.

>You almost hit the time limit.

"Goldielocks, I think we need to call this puppy off."

>"Woah woah woah! What kind of thoughts are runnin' through your head?! We ain't come this far to give up, RD!"

"I suppose you're right. Besides, we're doing what they say can't be done."

>"Amen, Amen. 10-4."

>Dash and Applejack reached the fairgrounds, the site where the trip began.

>Everyone cheered, as the two girls from earlier greeted Dash and Twilight.

>"Well, I'll be damned."

"What I tell you?"

>"I never thought you could do something like this."

"Well, I damn did it."

>"Now, how's we say to up the ante?"

"What?"

>"Double or nothing, you get to Cloudsdale and get me and my friend a Rainbow Scrambler."

>A Rainbow Scrambler was a mixed drink solution brewed only in Cloudsdale, and therefore only sold in Cloudsdale.

"Ain't that far."

>Applejack jumped down from the truck's cab, and came up next to Rainbow Dash.

>"Wait just one minute here, RD. Are you seriously considerin' doing another? After a close call like this'un?"

>"Yeah Rainbow Dash, should we do it after the close time you had here?"

>"Double or nothing. You two up for it?"

"Uh..."

>The attention focused to the two girls.

>"18 hours tops. Do we have a deal?"

"I don't see why the hell not."

>The sherriff from Appleloosa slammed his mostly destroyed Dodge Monaco into the stand wall, across the way from the Duster.

>"Apprehend that horse-ass for reckless driving!"

>His deputy sat next to him, ordered by the sherriff to arrest a guy in a 1970 Dodge Challenger.

>"But Sherriff--"

>"Do what I tell you, ya pile of monkey nuts!"

>He ran the opposite way everyone was standing.

>"You serious about this, RD?"

>"Yeah, are we really going to do it?"

"Why don't we stop yappin', and go do it! Now, Shh, all of you, for just a second."

>Dash picked up the CB microphone.

"Sherriff Willis B. Traveler, please."

>He picked up a CB microphone, as well.

>"Who's there?"

"This is Rainbow Dash talkin'."

>"Where are you, you goddamn maniac!"

"Before I tell you where I'm parked, Sherriff, there's one thing I got to say. You must be part wolf, because I've been chased by the finest of 'em, and buddy, you make them all look like purse puppies."

>"Well thank you, Ms. Rainbow, and I have to say, as the pursuer, you are the goddamnest pursuee that I have ever pursued. And now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, GODDAMN IT?"

"I'm down in the strip, next to a little girl with purple hair."

>He started his Monaco.

"Actually, sherriff, hold on a second. I can't lie to you. You're too good a man. Now, I want you to look over your right shoulder."

>He starts up the wreck that is his Dodge Monaco squad car, just as his deputy attempts to run after the car.

>"Sherriff! Wait!"

>"I ain't waiting for nobody, god damn it!"

END.