Thread Bumpers: Crimes Against Humanity (12/30/13)

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Summary: This is for the inane ramblings that are potentially sex/clop. Keeping these separate from the thread bumpers page.

 

Bubbly Boner: Rule 63 (genderswap) of ponies. Anon seeks to replace his penis with another in an attempt to curb his human sexual stamina.

 

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>Once again you are left unsatisfied.

>It took years to get over everything being an animal or mythological beast, them being intelligent helped, and yet, you just can’t find carnal release.

>No matter the species or gender, the only thing capable to match your endurance is your hand. If only you had necrophilia as a fetish, then you might find some relief when they ultimately collapsed and laid there like a cold fish, but you need response.

>Physical, emotional, visceral responses; pain and pleasure. Sex needs interaction, and you are fed up with being the one unable to get your rocks off. You thought long and hard about this. The decision is not one you were willing to make before testing every other option, but with the repeated failures you see little choice.

>Which brings you back to Ponyville and the tree library. Face to face with the unbearable purple unicorn.

 

“Dusk Shine, transform my penis to stallion’s dong.”

>”What?!”

“Do it.”

>”Is this about the size again?”

“Fuck you, you know you’d be a limp mess underneath me, size be damned. I’m tired of not getting my shared relief from sex. I haven’t had a good lay since I got here, and it’s all because you lot can’t keep up. I’m tired of fighting it.”

>He just smirks at you in that confident way he always does. Dude thinks he’s hot shit just because he has some bling.

>”How about a hoofjob?”

“I told you no already. You don’t even have fingers; I can do that a million times better by myself. Plus you’re too much of a douche for me to even tolerate you for five minutes. It physically pains me to talk with you this long.”

>”Always hatin’. Come on, Anon, you’d enjoy it. I know how to enjoy the ‘little things’ in life.”

>Smug asshole. He may be famous enough to get a quickie anywhere else, but not being able to get to you really burns his ass. Even if you have to live a life of celibacy, you’ll always have that one joy.

 

 

“Screw this, I’m out.”

>You leave with as much pent up frustration as your one night stands. The built up stress is really a pain the balls, literally. Who else is good with magic, and less insufferable than Dusk? Didn’t that one unicorn pull in a few days ago?

>No…that’s a horrible idea. You said LESS insufferable.

>”WHO INTERUPTS THE TREMENDOUS AND IMPRESSIVE MAGNIFICO?”

>Why are you in front of his trailer? Why did you even knock? You didn’t notice doing either of those things. Once again your dick had taken control and led you into trouble.

>”Oh, it is you Anon. Have you come to take Magnifico up on his previous offer? It is of a limited time you know.”

“You just want some to say you could. Well today is your lucky day, but you have to do something for me first. Something ‘magical.”

 

>You lightly shake jazz hands in front of you, emphasizing the utter bullshit this world and its magic is. Of all the spells, why was one never created to lengthen sexual endurance?

>”Magnifico laughs at your challenge. Tell me your insignificant request.”

“Change my penis.”

>That catches Magnifico completely off guard so much he breaks his annoying habit.

>”…With my butt?”

>Fuckin—okay. What you’re asking is a little weird here; you’ll let that one slide.

“No, I want you to change my HUMAN STRONG penis to that of a stallion so that you don’t pass out before I’ve had my fun. Drastic I know.”

>Magnifico remains stunned for a few seconds before realizing his dumb expression and collecting himself.

>”That is…a little more difficult than I expected. BUT! Nothing the TREMENDOUS AND IMPRESSIVE MAGNIFICO CANNOT HANDLE!”

>If he keeps talking like that you’re going to leave before he gets anything to handle. You’d rather be testing your new rod on a mare anyway, or Lizzy as long as she doesn’t mention the egg laying part again. Stupid dragons having lizard parts.

 

 

>”Come inside Anon.”

>Ignoring the obvious setup, you follow him into the cabin and remove your pants as needed. Magnifico studies your junk like some sort of creepy doctor.

>”I don’t see what’s so special about it.”

“That’s what they all say until the after party.”

>”Yes, let’s hurry and get to that part. Sit down and let Magnifico work his magic.”

>As you take a seat, the light blue unicorn’s horn charges and a magic cloud cups your balls and works the shaft. A tingling sensation excites your hope of finally having a happy ending.

>You throw back your head and enjoy the spell; you should have tried this sooner. You try to grab the cloud, but your hands wave through with zero resistance. The feeling soon stops, and you quickly look down to see.

“No….”

>Your eyes go wide in panic.

“No, no, no no, NO.”

>”Hey Nony~”

>FUCKING NO!

 

“WHAT THE HELL! I said I wanted the penis OF a stallion, not AS a stallion!”

>Pink, everything pink. Bubble Berry now sits in your crotch, AS your crotch, complete with bushy tail. The only thing missing is his rear legs that end where you begin, but he still has his front legs.

>Magnificent-fuck-up is equally surprised, and looking for somewhere to escape or hide.

>”It…it shouldn’t be. The spell was flawless. I-I-I…it looks good on you.”

>”I always said pink was your color.”

>This can’t be, something like this should be impossible. What the hell are you going to do? What can you do?

“FIX IT!”

>”I can’t! It’s a permanent spell! Only a high level dispel would work!”

>”We’re like roomys.”

“Not as my body! Magnifico, I swear to whatever equivalent you have as God that you better cast that dispel right now!”

>The panic in Magnifico’s eyes magnifies as you stand. His sight bounces across the room before finally settling on your Berry Johnson.

 

 

>”Okay-okay, stand still.”

>You can sense the magic around your member again, which honestly worries you. Bubble Berry confirms your worries without delay.

>“Ooooooh. That’s nice.”

“Stop enjoying it.”

>”You stop enjoying it.”

>Every moment you’ve ever talked to yourself flies out of your memory and is replaced with Berry’s voice responding. This better work, you can’t live like this. When the vibration stops you quickly take a look.

>Nothing.

>Literally nothing. You’re genderless.

>”I’m right here, Nony. Just invisible.”

>Although you can’t see the waving, you can still feel it. Then you notice the blue bastard trying to dash off.

>Instantly you give chase, your lower half flapping freely in the wind.

>”Wheeee!”

>Berry’s cheers spur you on to speeds beyond that of even Blitz. Closing in on your target you tackle him to the floor; your weight holding him down, preventing escape.

>”I see London, I see Prance~”

 

>The implication of your position unnerves you for the first time. Not only is your appendage talking, it’s also invisible. Yanking Magnifico by the collar of his stupid cape, you stand up.

“Fix this, and don’t you dare run off again.”

>He gulps down the terror in his throat, and nods.

>”I can undo the chameleon spell, but not the transformation spell.”

>You only give two slow and powerful words in reply.

“Who, Can?”

>”Dusk Shine.”

>You drop Magnifico back onto the floor, and rub your temples.

“I knew it.”

>The invisible bouncing underneath increasing your aggravation.

>”Let’s go see Duskie, he’ll cheer you right up Nony. We can all play a game of tag when we get there.”

“Ugh, I can’t deal with this. At least break the invisible spell.”

>In a flash you can see your exposed member again. You return to your chair to try and build up the willpower needed to deal with Dusk Shine twice in one day alongside your pink pecker.

 

 

>”Anon, you need to relieve some stress.”

>That’s what the whole plan was for!

>With the way things are now, you can’t even enjoy a wank. An insidious, mischievous, even perhaps cruel idea pops into your head.

“Magnifico, get over here.”

>He slowly walks up to beside you.

“You caused this mess, you take care of it.”

>”What?!”

“You heard me. Give me a magical hoofjob.”

>”But, that’s—“

“I’m fully aware. Now you two make friends.”

>Your zealous package throws his front limbs up into the air.

>”I love making new friends!”

>Hold strong sanity.

 

>Magnifico is unsure at first, but seeing your demanding stare he tries to focus on the springy schlong. You’re in no mood to relent, and the dancing mass below tries to entice him. A soft glow encompasses Berry, and glides up and down his length.

>”T-t-that’s nice.”

>You close your eyes and try to blockade any thoughts of your regular penis no longer being there. In the meantime the pace speeds up as your senses are given an outlet.

>”Ffffffaster...”

>Stop talking.

>”I feel tinglyyyy”

>Almost…

>”I’m gonna party!”

>BLEH

>Confetti shoots out of Berry’s mouth directly at Magnifico. Bits of colorful paper and glitter get stuck in his face. The magical aura disappears, and Berry collapses against your stomach.

>Opening your eyes, you take a look at the scene. You first look to Berry, then Magnifico, then you both look back at Berry. Magnifico is the first to break the silence.

>”I guess the spell worked in a way.”

“Shut up.”

>Berry chuckles from your stomach wearing a stupid blissful face with his tongue lolling out to the side.

>”That was the most fun I’ve ever funned.”

>Honestly, it was the best you’ve felt in years, too.

 

 

>Now with a clear head you could put up with Dusk for a bit. You also think of a solution to going outside this way.

“Magnifico, go get Dusk Shine and bring him here. We’ll do this thing in your wagon.”

>”You want THE TREMENDOUS AND IMPRESSIVE MAGNIFICO to go outside looking like this?”

“I don’t care if you look like some sort of cheap harlot, I want this fixed. Get going glitter face.”

>Magnifico mumbles whatever passive aggressive nonsense he has to say under his breath as he leaves. You lean back and wait, feeling oddly relaxed. It’s a lot easier to do with a quiet dongle.

>Minutes later the pain in the ass shows up alongside Magnifico. He takes a look at the crime against nature, and gives that same smugass smirk.

>”One wasn’t enough for you? Why didn’t you just say so?”

“Fix it if you want me to entertain our usual back and forth.”

>”Oh I can fix it alright, but I want something in return.”

>Of course.

“What?”

>”Just a kiss.”

>That’s far from what you were expecting.

“Sure, confetti cheeks over there will be my stand in.”

>”If you want me to kiss him first fine, but then the glitter will get on your face too.”

“Just fix me.”

>”Gladly.”

 

>Dusk casts a spell and the balloon tattoo, along with the other oddities, fade away. You are entirely you again.

>”There, good as new.”

>The door suddenly slams open, and Bubble Berry once again fills your vision, but this time not attached to you.

>”Where’d I go?”

>You don’t know and don’t care; just happy to finally be back to normal. You also got some release. For not things are awwwwright.

>”Now about my reward.”

“Why not, you earned it.”

>You give Dusk a quick peck, but he is unfazed at your attempt to aggravate him. A familiar feeling quivers your body. The glow of Dusk’s horn becomes apparent as he moves to whisper in your ear.

>”You know, Anon, nopony can hold a spell as long as I can.”

 

 

>The cheeky mother fu— that blue blabbermouth must have told.

>”The kiss was nice, but really I just wanted you close.”

>Pleasure stimulates your still naked lower half awake; the shots fired by your bubbly boner proving not enough for one day.

“My place or yours?’

>”Right here is fine.”

“You’re going to regret this in the morning.”

>”I’m looking forward to it.”

 

>For the rest of the day the wagon became a love shack, you each making good on your promise and the other two joining in. Using either sheer tenacity, endless energy, or pure one-upmanship; the trio helped clear the several years worth of backlog despite the many hours you put them through.

>When the last of their worn bodies collapsed you found yourself equally exhausted. Not a one of you left the cart that night, and you slept the most satisfied you ever did.

>Now if only you could get one of them to make you a sandwich.

 

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