The Ballad of Anon and Maria

'Many happy returns'? Don't make me laugh.

 

Another year older, not a single day wiser. Shorter of breath, and one step closer to death. I was going to recite all the cliché moans about having a birthday, before a deep, powerful rumbling starts to shake my dining room.

 

"What in the-?"

 

A cacophony of horns, nylon string guitars and burritos fills the air of my sordid little grief-hole, sending my birthday decorations flying across the room like discarded toys.

Wind howls, windows shatter, lights flicker, until suddenly...

 

"BUENOS DIAS, SEÑOR!"

 

There's something standing waist-deep in my massive, untouched cake. My vision, obscured by splattered icing, prevents me from seeing who has materialised in my abode. Licking the icing off using my prehensile tongue, I see her.

 

A beautiful, purple-skinned woman, with soft breasts just heaving out of her top, shining silver hair splayed behind her, a snake's tail where her legs should be, a sombrero placed upon her head at a jaunty angle and a moustache.

 

"A moustache...?"

 

I'm taken aback as the snake lady flops down from the mess of frosting and sponge, and slithers right up in front of me.

 

"SO YOU MUSTA BE... EL ANIÑO HERNANDEZ?"

 

I simply stare back at her, entranced by her massive tits and bristly facial hair.

 

"AND IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY, GRINGO?"

 

I manage to regain some control over my body.

 

"Uh, yeah... that is"

 

I'm interrupted by a hearty slap on the back, one that sends my tiny party hat spiralling to the floor.

 

"THEN IT IS UP TO ME, MARIA RAMIREZ, TO SING UPON YOU 'EL BALLADO DOS RAPERIO VICTIMOS IN SU CASA'!"

 

"...A ballad?"

 

Before I can question her further with my short, ellipses-filled sentences, she leans forwards and reaches down to her ass. Reaching deep between the cheeks, she grasps hold of what appears to be a Classical Guitar, and heaves it up and out. She strums a single chord.

 

What follows is a joyful flurry of impassioned song, so beautiful and foreign that the writer of this story couldn't even be bothered to think of some funny faux-Spanish lyrics relating to impending sexual contact. I expect the neighbors to make a fuss about the racket, but it seems that they too are entranced by the wondrous song of this beautiful, hairy snake.

 

After 2 minutes of Latino wailing, she finishes and takes a bow. I have no other choice but to wipe a solitary tear of happiness from my eye and applaud her.

 

"I... thank you." I move towards her, taking her gloved hand in mine.

 

"I was feeling so bad today, because another year had passed in my life and I felt that I'd achieved nothing... but then you come along. You appear in my life and brighten it up with song. Like a beautiful bird, flying into my cage and... Hey! What are you do-"

 

It appears that during my stirring, climactic speech, the Maria had taken it upon herself to pull down my trousers and start fiddling with my schnauzer. I try to wriggle away, but she quickly coils around me, her

powerful muscles preventing any escape.

 

"NOW FOR EL PAYMENTO, SEÑOR..."

 

"Puh-puh-payment?" I stutter, unable to talk in sentences longer than 3 stuttered words.

 

Flinging away the guitar and tossing off her Sombrero, she licks her lips and plunges her head on my inexplicably hard cock. For the next 15 minutes, her head flies up and down my shaft. The throat that produced such beautiful sound now being raped by my meat pole. The lips that formed such tender lyrics of emotion and hope now suckling my spam spewer as if it was a piece of candy. Saliva flies everywhere, as does my precum.

 

Essentially, every sexual body fluid known to man is being lathered and slurped about. But I can still make out the odd Spanish-sounding phrase being murmured by Maria as she fellates me.

 

"OH YES... IS MUY BIEN... AY CARUMBA!"

 

Her tail muscles squeeze me, causing me to thrust inadvertently deeper into her mouth. It's at that moment that I can take no more, and I blow my load right inside her.

 

It comes as a surprise to Maria, who is unable to swallow the incoming semen fast enough. It bursts out of her mouth, dripping from her moustache like she's a spokesperson for one of the milk adverts.

She unravels her tail, collects her things and climbs into my fireplace.

 

"Where... where are you going?"

 

I want her to stay. I want her to eat my burrito every day. I want her to strap on a churro and make my quivering taco convulse in ecstasy, as she pounds me like a bronco in the bullring. But alas, she gives me a smile and a wink.

 

"I AM NEEDED ELSEWHERE, SENOR... BUT HERE... MY CARD."

 

She flings a small rectangle of card at me, and blows me a kiss. Coiling her tail up like a spring, she suddenly rockets up and out of my chimney, soaring into the skies above.

 

Left alone, naked and sexually satisfied, I take a look at the card.

 

Maybe she'll be back next year?