(HandyAnon) Ciao! Manehattan (6) (FR)

>Day At Least Harry Dresden Had Magical Powers. In Equestria.

>Sadly you're vanilla mortal.

>With a scorched up hand.

>And a busted up mug.

>You can still taste the tongue that was forced down your throat last night.

>Your bandaged hand smells unkindly of medical sterility and soup.

>Something is heavy and grinding up against your back.

>Gnawing on your hair.

>You slide out of bed and wipe a large glob of saliva off your shoulder.

>The small of your back is wet too.

>Well that's unpleasant.

>Fucking Fluttershy.

>She's laying in the bed, stretched out and grappling for covers after your warm form leaves the bed.

>She looks peaceful.

>She's drooling all over your pillow.

>And she's dripping a small puddle of...kindness.

>Out of her...yeah.

>You should probably do some laundry soon.

>Time for a shit, shower, and shave.

>You can still move your fingers on your boiled mitt.

>A dry shave.

>Feels good in the worst sort of ways.

>Shower. Cold shower.

>Hand's a throbbing numbness in a plastic bag outside the shower.

>Soap off the dried horse fluids from your back.

>Today you're going to help out the Cakes.

 

>Go to get dressed.

>Towel wrapped around you.

>Can't naked strut with someone in your bed.

>Fluttershy is wearing a pair of your boxers on her head.

>"..oh..hi Anon."

"Sorry I didn't have any briefs. They make better superhero masks."

>She blushes.

>"I-i-i...it wasn't anything...weird..."

>And all aboard the mumbletrain.

"Can I have those?"

>She stares at your towel.

>For about a minute.

>Give the people what they want.

>Or in this case, the pony.

>You flash her.

>She blushes.

>Towel back around the waist.

>Underpants are relinquished.

>You get dressed knowing full well she's checking you out.

"I uh, wanted to say thanks for last night."

>She's mumbling and trying to memorize every detail of your body.

"I get that you like me, and thanks for not making a move..."

>Your hand hurts. You're unconsciously rubbing the gauze.

"I've got to get to work today, but it uh..."

>Shit or get off the pot, bro.

>You go over and just give her a light hug.

>She's shocked and silent.

>But you can hear here trying to say something.

>Can't make out a goddamn word of it.

"Just, thanks."

 

>No time for breakfast.

>But you did have time for a thermos of coffee.

>It's almost 7:30 in the AM.

>Ponyville in winter at dawn.

>Beautiful really.

>Sort of like if you combined one of those New England Norman Rockwell Paintings with...uh...

>Those psychedelic children's folders girls used to have back when you were in grade school.

>With like the pink and yellow seals in space.

>That comparison was dead on arrival.

>But it still looks lovely.

>Wearing gloves today for more reasons than just the cold.

>Don't really want to have to explain to the Cakes about recent injuries.

>They're nice enough to stop you from working.

>Y'know, out of concern for you injuring yourself further.

>Do ponies do workman's compensation?

>Questions for another time.

>Head over to Sugar Cube Corner.

>Meet up with some delivery ponies and help unload some confectionery supplies.

>It hurts a little to lift with your hand. But you've had worse.

>Mr.Cake greets you in the basement, he's clearly been up for hours.

>And not in the good way.

>More in the father of two constantly crying babies way.

"Morning Mr.Cake."

>You offer him some coffee.

>He accepts it and it's that knowing sort of smile.

>"Morning Anon, you ready for today?"

 

>You nod and get to work.

>As much as you think doing some baking and uh...

>Is the term chocolatiering? Well, it's best to leave it to the professionals.

>You're taking stock and making sure the pipes are working.

>Windows aren't letting in moisture.

>Shovel the path. Clean the floors.

>Unclog the bathroom toilet.

>And shower.

>And sink.

>Pinkie needs to do something about her hair. It gets everywhere.

>The clock says it's only 9:00 in the AM.

>You're being exceptionally productive today.

>"Anonymous, are you ready?"

>Mrs. Cake calls to you from the shop proper.

>Rather than shout back, which would be unprofessional,

>You wipe your gloves off on your pants and go to her.

"Ready for what, 'mam?"

>Pinkie is leaning against the counter and...wow.

>Hawaiian shirt.

>Big goofy sunglasses.

>Long lollipop sticking out of her mouth.

>Flask of pop.

"Uh...Very...What?"

>No time for humor, you've got no fucking idea what's going on.

 

>"You agreed Anon!"

>Pinkie's voice can be...shrill at times.

>She pulls up her shirt to reveal an old style bulky tape recorder.

>She hits play.

>Pinkie's mile a minute machine gun joy voice.

>Followed by you.

>A: "I didn't catch any of that, but sure."

"...Did you hear the first part?"

>She rewinds it. And presses play and another button.

>Super slow-motion Pinkie sounds funny.

>P:"Anon-if-you-want-to-make-it-up-to-me-will-you-come-to-Manehatten-for-a-stand-up-routine-I-want-to-try-I-won't-do-it-around-here-because-it-might-not-be-great-yet.-I've-got-street-cred-to-maintain-bro."

>She fast-forwards. Your "But Sure" plays in a loop.

>She gives you a dark look.

"So I'm going to Manehatten?"

>She nods.

>You look at Mrs. Cake.

"You guys okay with me checking out early?"

>She nods.

>You look at Pinkie and crack your knuckles.

"Yeah, why not. If it's anything like Manhattan, maybe I'll enjoy myself."

>Pinkie laughs.

>"Man-hattan? Because you're a hu-Man?"

"Uh-"

>"That's just silly Anon."

>If this is anything like her comedy routine, shit'll be golden.

 

>You've never traveled by train.

>Pinkie thinks this is hilarious.

>She attempts to entertain you with tales of her exploits upon trains.

>Transporting a tree.

>Stopping superspies who wanted to ruin her cake.

>Going to the Royal Wedding.

>Going to perform in some big play.

>The stories aren't actually that fascinating.

>"Have YOU ever gone someplace cool, or interesting, or weird, or awesome, or fancy, or-or-or-uh--Anon!"

"What?"

>"What's another word that means cool or interesting or weird or awesome or fancy or-uhm."

"I dunno? Funky?"

>"Ooooh Funky~"

>She does some funky phresh dance moves.

>That arm wave thing. You used to dance like that as a kid.

>Dancing like you were out of a Pup Named Scooby Doo to terrible Disco tunes because you couldn't figure out how to change the tapes in the stereo system.

>You do a little dance as well.

>"See Anon, fun can be fun!"

"I never said I didn't like fun."

>"Yeah but you never said you LIKED Fun."

>She pauses and looks ponderously at you.

>"And really, you should LOVE Fun. FUN is GREAT!"

"I hear that a lot, I've been meaning to try it."

>She nudges you in the chest and grins.

>"You should do stand-up too!"

"That's not happening."

 

>It's awhile on the train. Two days.

>Pinkie runs out of interesting things to say on the end of the first day.

>The second day is the emergence of the boring Pinkie.

>She sighs a lot.

>Her hair poofs and depoofs.

>Much like the hair, Pinkie poofs and depoofs.

>Bipolar disorder is what we'd call this in the normal waking world.

>But this is ponyland.

"So...comedy?"

>The prospect of conversation has her smile wide and glowing with renewed vigor.

>"Ahuh-ahuh yep! I'm the Element of Laughter!"

"I sort of assumed the whole...Savior of the Kingdom thing would take up most of your time."

>She's sing-songy.

>"It's a hobby~. But!"

>Music seems to start up out of nowhere.

>Oh god, what fresh new hell is this?

>She's singing.

>There's nothing else going on here.

>This song will be stuck in your head for days.

>You put your hands together and squeeze your scorched hand tightly.

>As other ponies appear out of the woodwork, somehow knowing the lyrics and dancework you just smile.

>You're digging your thumb nail into the wound and twisting it.

>Everyone is dancing and happy and smiling.

>You're in pain.

>And this is getting you off a little.

>You remember when life was normal.

>That was too long ago.

 

>"Anon, why are you making that face?"

>You snap out of it.

>Your face feels tense.

>"Do you gotta poo?"

>You release yourself from the lesser of two evils option.

>Your hand is throbbing.

"What?"

>"Because the bathrooms on trains are really weird!"

>"They've got like plungers and you gotta push things otherwise it doesn't go down."

>"And there's this blue liquid thing--but don't taste it because BLEGH"

>She makes a face of disgust, her tongue lolling out of her mouth.

>She doesn't stick it back in her mouth immediately.

>"Eht thasthes thisthustin'."

>She sucks it back in her face and smiles.

>"So you should always read the instructions on the wall!"

"I'm fine. I was just...absorbing your melodious voice."

>"Ooooh~ I'm glad you liked it!"

>She laughs.

>"It looked like you were either in serious ouchie-baba-wawa-PAIN or you needed to poo!"

>"I guess that's just your concentration face, huh?"

"One of my many concentration faces."

>"Humans are so weird. I love it!"

"I'm glad you're entertained."

>"I wrote another verse if you wanna hear it!"

>She clears her throat and is about to begin.

"I'm going to go use the bathroom. Uh...you can start without me."

>"Okay-dokey-Anonymous-po-ponymous-fee-fi-fo-banana-ramma-fo-"

>You get up and make your way to the bathroom.

>You spend fifteen minutes reading all the labels on all the items, as well as the instructions.

>You didn't really have to pay attention when you used the bathroom last night.

>But anything to kill time.

>Fucking Pinkie Pie.

 

>Manehattan is awesome.

>You imagine the shithole that is Manhattan.

>And it is a shithole.

>Only place in the human reality where you ever got clotheslined by an old woman.

>Who called you a bitch.

>And who you called a wafflecunt in retort because you couldn't properly prepare for the surreality of the situation.

>Manehattan is like that but without all the terribleness.

>You and Pinkie arrived in the afternoon.

>You've got maybe thirty bits, so you hope food here is cheap and shitty like it is in your world.

>Y'know, provided you find the dive end restaurants.

>The really shady ones where the pizza might be a bit plastic.

>Pinkie however seems intent on dragging you along the more expensive looking streets.

>She's still looking like Raoul Drake.

>You sort of look like some chump who needs a winter coat.

>Manehattan is apparently a melting pot of cultures.

>Ponies, Zebras, some Dragons. Weird dog-things.

>You get a passing glance but nobody really stares.

>Pinkie shows you all the big fancy restaurants and clothing shops and high end stores.

>"Rarity had dresses on display when Sapphire Shores was doing the Zigfilly Follies."

>"Twilight doesn't know about this bookstore because I've never brought her here because I know she'd stay in there FOR-EVER, and then she wouldn't come back to Ponyville and be my friend and then she'd forget who I was and it'd be awful!"

>"Applejack wishes she could sell apples to this store but they think Apples grown anywhere but Outer Manehattan isn't good apples."

"Fascinating."

 

>Night Horseshoe Comedy Club. In Manehattan.

>You're nursing your second slice of very cheap pizza.

>Pinkie bought a whole pie.

>The backstage room is seedy and sketchy as all hell.

>But there's some charm to it. Reminds you of your dorm room in undergrad.

>Pinkie is putting on an ugly beige suit and combing her hair back.

>Over a gaudy rhinestone outfit that'd make Rarity die of embarrassment.

>Sort of looks like Gordon Gecko's retarded cousin.

>She's got a guitar case and is practicing talking in a dumb accent.

"So, this is a joke thing?"

>"It's more of a...a...Song and Dance act. I'm trying something new."

"So it's just like-"

>You put on your best Jerry Seinfeld.

"What's the deal with Shining Armor? He's not shining and he's naked half the time. What is UP with That?"

>Pinkie goes into a giggle fit before slicing her hoof in the air next to her throat.

>She calms the fuck down.

>"You can be really funny, Anon. But this is just...I want to explore something. So can you just sit in the audience and support me no matter what?"

>You get some cheese grease on your shirt collar and shrug.

"Well I'm not going to come all the way to Manehattan and be a jerk to you."

>She looks at you with a small smile and puts on a terrible accent.

>"Zankchu veddeh mutch."

>Stifle a laugh.

"Oh god, you're going to talk like that?"

>"Zhat eez zeh phlan."

"May your pagan pony overlords have mercy on your--"

>Not being a jerk, Anon.

"I'm going to enjoy this show."

 

>The Horseshoe Comedy Club has a a horseshoe shaped bar around a stage.

>A Zebra in an ugly ass suit and no tie is finishing up some comedy.

>Everyone is laughing and having a good time.

>You're sitting at the bar.

>"...I said make it all three! I'm not takin' any chances! Have a good night Manehattan!"

>The comic waves and exits, the crowd applauds.

>There's an awkward break in the entertainment.

>Pinkie suddenly appears on stage dragging her guitar case by the mouth.

>She looks at the audience and adjusts her tie.

>Everyone is just looking at this pony in a terrible suit.

>Some cough.

>The room hushes, unsure as to who she is or what is happening.

>"Now? Now?...."

>She taps the microphone and it gives feedback.

>She looks like she has serious stagefright.

>This is agony.

>She looks around.

>"Zankchu veddeh mutch. I am veddeh happeh to bhe here. I zink--zhiz is veddy boochiful plaze. But uhm...One zing I do nott zike iz ze too muach traffic."

>Awkward as fuck. What is she doing.

>"Tonight I had too kame fram, eh, and ze thrain, eet waz zo muach traffic. Eet took mhe hour end alf zo geet haer!"

>Pinkie chuckles, as if this was a punchline.

>You and everyone else in the crowd is baffled.

 

>Pinkie adjusts her tie and begins to sweat.

>She wipes sweat from her brow.

>"Rhight naow, I whood like zo do fir hyoo sam em-ee-tay-shuns. Zo first, is ze Hoity Toity."

>She clears her voice.

>And her voice remains just as broken and terrible and weird.

>"You iz...zat iz zee dress end get out zhow end...Hello, I em Hoity Toity, ze fay-mouse fay-shun dee-zign-ur."

>Ponies and zebras begin to boo. Some giggle.

>You look at her as though this is going to crush her.

>She wipes more sweat off her brow.

>"End naow...I whood like zo em-ee-tay-te ze faymous Fancy Footwork."

>Pinkie turns around, her back to the crowd and walks over to her guitar case.

>She looks over her shoulder and grins stupidly.

>She produces the tape recorder from the case, as well as a gaudy guitar.

>Dramatic music begins to play.

>She pops the collar of the jacket.

>Rips off the sleeves.

>Licks her hoof and runs some of her hair down the sides of her face into mock sideburns.

>Rips off the jacket.

>She looks like Elvis Presley...heh, Fancy Footwork.

>Weird universal constants.

>She picks up the guitar and her voice is now a perfect imitation of The King.

>Or at least his pony equivalent.

>She plays and sings and it's hilarious and great.

>The crowd loves it.

>It's unique, weird and new.

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gfq8tKSAYA )

 

>The show's a hit, albeit a little strange.

>You meet her backstage and she seems happy with the results.

>She strips down back to her usual nakedness and finishes off the cold pizza.

>"Was it funky?"

"Mad funky, Pinkie. I can see why you wanted to try it out somewhere else."

>"Not everyone gets my humor it's a certain jenny saint croix."

"Je nes se quois."

>"Yeah, her!"

"How do you guys know French without a France?"

>"Anon, I didn't know you could speak Prench."

"...We're dropping this conversation now."

>The rest of the night is spent wandering around lower Manehattan and enjoying the night culture.

>Which, given your budget, is not much of a cultured night.

>You head back to the train station with Pinkie Pie.

>It's very cold out at two in the morning.

>You both sit on a bench and wait for the train to arrive.

>It'll be about thirty minutes.

>"So you and Fluttershy totally -did- it."

>That's abrupt and weird.

>You begin laughing hysterically.

"What? No. Seriously, Pinkie?"

>Singy-songy voice Pinkie is taunty in tone.

>"I can smell~ her~."

"We slept in the same bed."

>You run your hands over your face.

>It doesn't hurt your nose for once.

"It's complicated."

>"She likes~ you~."

>Yeah, she does. But how do you feel?

>You could take it or leave it.

>And that's not the appropriate emotional response Pinkie or Fluttershy wants to hear.

 

>"You guys should date!"

>This is a great conversation to be having in the middle of the night waiting to catch a train.

>"Oh...Rainbow Dash likes you too right?"

>You haven't been able to work for two days on a train.

>"You guys could DOUBLE DATE!"

>You came here for one evening on a favor for Pinkie to patch things up.

>You'll be another two days out of work on the ride back.

>With your recent trend of being bad at keeping up jobs, finding work might be harder.

>Though the Cakes have to understand. They let you go.

>"That's what double dating means, right?"

>Worry about it when you get back to Ponyville.

>Tonight was fun.

>No bodily harm.

>Or tongues getting forced down your throat.

>Pinkie likes you again.

>"Anon are you even listening to me?!"

"Pinkie, I get what you're saying but..."

>You're still in the hole, even if you can't admit it.

"Listen, I'm in a bad place in life right now."

>Down, down, down in the hole.

"Money is tight, I've gotten hurt a bit lately."

>You'll be safe when the thunder starts to roll.

"Had some...legal/royal issues."

>Because you're still down.

"And no Pinkie, I'm not. For the record."

"Fucking Fluttershy