- This is a copy of the journal that I keep of my endeavours in tulpamancy. Every session I've
- ever done, and practically everything of importance that my tulpa, Swindy, has ever done,
- exists within these pages.
- This journal is written strictly from my (the host's) perspective, in an observatory manner.
- It's therefore very technical in its tone of writing. As such, it should be noted that while
- this journal describes what Swindy is, in fairly great detail, it does not describe who she is.
- She is NOT EVER involved in writing this journal, and her opinions can and will differ from
- mine, on a variety of subjects.
- This is also a personal journal. Most of the text below was never originally intended for eyes
- other than mine. Some personal information has been removed, and many entries are heavily
- censored or missing. Just keep that in mind.
- Some entries by topic:
- Independence/autonomy
- Practically all entries up until entry 100 or so.
- Vocality
- Starting at entry 16, scattered entries throughout, most are probably before entry 100.
- Visualisation
- Scattered entries throughout, most are probably before entry 70, trailing off slowly after
- that. Earlier entries are probably more interesting than older ones.
- Possession
- 57, 112, 116, 120, 131, 141, 146, 149, 155, 156, 159, 162, 164,
- Switching
- 147, 148, 154, 164, 166 (+ vocal possession), 168 (+ vocal possession)
- Amusing entries
- 31, 33, 34, 55
- "Breakthrough", or otherwise notable entries
- 7, 9, 12, 22, 28, 29, 64, 71, 91
- ###############################################################################################
- Entry 151 sums up the first six months of my tulpamancy, it's very long, but probably the most
- worthwhile read in this entire posting.
- ###############################################################################################
- Misc. information
- Dates (ISO 8601, YYYY-MM-DD):
- Conception of Rainbow Dash (Swindle):
- 2013-03-14
- First solid proof of sentience:
- 2013-03-23
- Renaming to Swindle:
- 2013-04-04
- First time acting completely and unquestionably spontaneously
- 2013-08-07 (Entry 132)
- Journal entry 1
- Session 1 (1 hour), 2013-03-14
- Used Tulpatone on speakers, I feel as if it didn't help much aside from adding noise.
- Achieving concentraiton was easy. After repeating some personality traits ("You are stubborn,
- you're prone to taking on projects you can't handle") for about half an hour, I tried to
- get some sound. I kept repeating "Say television" while listening for anything resembling that.
- After several minutes, I could make out "th..isi..n" from the white noise. I later tried
- telling the tulpa "You exist. Say you exist." several times and listening for a response,
- and much to my surprise I could make out a "shIesist" noise quite clearly after what felt like
- a quite long time.
- Imagining a shape is quite hard, I'm trying to model my tulpa after Rainbow Dash. I imagine
- a generic blue pony, but it's hard to keep it up.
- I am surprised by the positive results of only one hour of tulpaforcing.
- Journal entry 2
- Session 2 (1 hour 40 minutes) 2013-03-15
- Used pink noise. I feel as if it was easier to focus using Tulpatone, but it could just be
- nothing. I spent the majority of the session focusing on appearance and feel, trying to imagine
- how my tulpa (modelled after Rainbow Dash) looks and feels.
- She is covered with a thin blue fur. The skin below the fur is the same colour. The mane feels
- much like human hair. The tail is thicker. There are thin black hooves hidden under the fur.
- The wings are about an arm's length each and covered in large blue feathers.
- I spent some time on personality as well, about the last 1/3 approx. "You're not afraid to say
- things as they are, Rainbow Dash." "Your name is Rainbow Dash." "You may come off rude because
- of how honest you tend to be." "You like joking around and pranks."
- No real hallucinations, but I feel as if I might be on the right path toward basic closed-eye
- visualisation. I ended the session due to exhaustion (headache) and my imagination starting
- to run wild, causing some undesirable cartoonish effects.
- Journal entry 3
- Session 3 (1 hour 15 minutes) 2013-03-16
- Used Tulpatone on speakers. There was partying going on downstairs, and I'm very sensitive
- toward sound pollution, so keeping focus was hard (hence the short session). I thought I'd
- practise visual hallucination in order to get the basics down and make imagining easier. I
- feared that his might be the hardest part and such seems to be the case.
- I spent the first half hour or so, I simply repeating the phrase "I can see a blue ball" while
- trying to see a blue ball. Limited success was had, I managed to kind-of-sort-of see something
- spherical in the lower right corner of my eye. The rest of the time was spent trying to get
- my field of vision to light up. I managed to create one extremely lucid flash of light, but
- that was more or less it. I've managed similar hallucinations of my FOV lighting up while
- waking up in darkened rooms.
- Progress was made, but I was hoping to make more. I'll blame the sound pollution because I can.
- Journal entry 4
- Session 4 (1 hour 20 minutes) 2013-03-17
- Used Theta Tone on speakers for one hour (which was interrupted one or two times). Final 20
- minutes were silent and I wore Peltors in order to kill outside noise. Focused on form for the
- initial time, switched to personality about half-way in. Focused on curiosity, "coachiness",
- helpfulness and lazyness.
- In the middle of the personality forcing, I tried to make my image of her move about a little.
- To my great surprise, she started wandering about the black void in which she resides,
- looking around and trying to explore her surroundings almost autonomolously! I could not get
- her to stop walking around by imagining her in a certain spot, but I had to tell her to "calm
- down, I'm creating you. This is confusing but you'll have to trust me that it'll all clear up
- soon if you just stay put and let me work."
- Journal entry 5
- Session 5 (30 minutes) 2013-03-17
- Wore Peltors. A bit too tired, can't concentrate. Want sleep. Rambled on about determination,
- positivety, and some stuff like that.
- Journal entry 6
- Session 6 (1 hour) 2013-03-18
- Used Tulpatone on speakers, upon feeling tired wearing Peltors. I feel as if Tulpatone really
- helps me focus, if only by its rythmic beeping. Note to self: Try headphones.
- I focused entirely on looks this session, the face in particular. I made a nice-looking "oh-
- dear-I-don't-like-what-I'm-seeing" kind of face (teeth showing, eyes wide open, small pupils)
- and observed it from many an angle. I also made Rainbow Dash yawn.
- FEEL helps me visualise a lot. Just holding my hand on her snout while building an expression
- really helps with everything. It provides a sort of reference point. Just feeling the whole
- visualisation down also helps; feeling the mane, feeling the eyelids, the teeth, everything.
- I have trouble staying focused for more than one hour. I need to find a way around that.
- Perhaps I'm just impatient.
- Journal entry 7
- Session 7 (40 minutes) 2013-03-19
- Tulpatone, headphones.
- This session I tried something different: Moving about and PHYSICALLY feeling Rainbow Dash's
- shape with my hands. As in, I got up and started moving and waving my hands around in my pitch
- black TV room.
- Wow.
- What an amazing experience, this was more real than I'd ever even imagined this tulpa business
- would be before I started. I could HUG HER. I could wrap my arms around a friggin' blue and
- rainbow coloured cartoonish pony standing in my TV room in the middle of the night. I could
- stick my fingers in her mouth and make her do faces. I could open and close her eyes. I could
- grab her and turn her around, lift and move every limb.
- Sadly I could not manage more than about 20 minutes of this before starting to feel nauseous.
- Journal entry 8
- Session 8 (1 hour) 2013-03-20
- Tulpatone, headphones.
- This session continued on the last one, and I turned a small light on during the last half
- hour or so. Up until now, all sessions have been completely pitch black. Good success, I think
- I'm starting to get the visualisation part down well enough to start working on personality
- for real. As I type this, I have no problems "seeing" Rainbow Dash lying down on the floor in
- front of me, and feeling her presence in the room.
- These last two sessions have allowed me to get a decent feel for the scale and "touch" of RD.
- She stands a bit taller than waist-high when quadruped and about 1 m 50 cm tall on her hind
- legs.
- I should also note that I'm doing a lot of passive forcing throughout the day. The last few
- days I've driven to town (30 minute ride each way), and I've spent the entirety of them
- imagining RD in the passenger's seat. I've narrated to her about traffic, the weather, my Volvo
- and what-not. The solitude of the car on the country roads really makes for an ideal forcing
- environment; it's damn near active forcing, and I've racked up about four to five hours of it.
- Journal entry 9
- Session 9 (2 hours 30 minutes) 2013-03-21
- Longest session yet!
- I started by doing personlity traits (after "warming up" and practising some look/feel).
- "You're appreciative of life", "you've got a vivid imagination", "you're curious" were on the
- menu for about an hour and a half. I did this in a basic wonderland modelled after a nearby
- meadow in the summertime.
- A peculiar thing to note was that I (without at first noticing it!) drifted into auditory
- hallucination. I could very clearly hear birds chirping, trees moving in the wind and my
- footsteps in the ankle-long grass. Unlike my visual and tactile "visualisation", this was a
- proper hallucination; I heard with my physical ears, not my mind's ear.
- I was going to quit after that, but something unexpected happened: Rainbow Dash, who had had
- her eyes closed the entire time, opened them. It was completely spontaneous, and I could
- somehow ... feel something telling me not to go. Was this perhaps a "burst of emotion", as the
- guides speak of?
- I of course kept going after that, doing some more personality (you're adventurous, you're
- prone to taking risks) for a while. However when I started getting tired of it, rather than
- quit, I put on Pink Floyd's DSOTM in my headphones (and spawned a stereo in the wonderland). I
- turned the sky in the wonderland into a starry summer night's sky and just lay down in the
- grass with RD sitting/lying beside me. It was a beautiful experience, and I felt as if I was
- spending time with a close friend.
- Journal entry 10
- Session 10 (1 hour 30 minutes approx.) 2013-03-22
- It's true what they say about not forcing too much. I've been completely drained today despite
- sleeping well.
- I was pleasantly surprised when I entered the wonderland, as RD feels more ... animated than
- ever. Rather than just being the blue pony-shell she's been thus far, she is starting to move
- around a little. I felt as if she greeted me when I came to see her.
- I was too tired to focus on personality properly this session, after about 20 minutes I decided
- to just spawn the stero again and listen to some classical music while enjoying a sunset and
- casually talking to Rainbow Dash.
- I fell asleep on the couch and had a vivid dream about flying futuristic fighter jets with her.
- Journal entry 11
- Session 11 (1 hour) 2013-03-23
- I listened to Japanese flute music on the stereo this session, since the house was quite quiet.
- Personality! Making up for yesterday's lost time, I went through somewhere between 5 and 10
- traits this hour, ranging from playful through loyal.
- I entered the wonderland "by foot" and slowly walked up to where I left Dash, making an effort
- not to imagine her around until I approached. she "greeted me" once I arrived. She seems to
- move around on her own more and more for each session that passes, and she's started to track
- me with her eyes. In the middle of this session, she all of a sudden started panting for some
- reason, almost as if she wanted to acknowledge that she's working as well.
- We seem to be making very quick progress compared to many others I've read about. It should
- however be noted that our experiences in the wonderland are still very abstract and "unreal"
- for the most part.
- Journal entry 12
- Session 12 (1 hour) 2013-03-23
- Major breakthrough, I now have very little doubt that Rainbow Dash is sentient.
- This session was dedicated to look and touch, and after a while I got an idea to test whether
- or not it was I who was making her move. I created the "hoof-test": I told her to resist my
- attempt at trying to lift one of her hooves. I then grabbed her front right hoof and started
- lifting it, it resisted. I then stretched out my "IRL" arms and connected them to my wonderland
- arms. After a bit of practise, I could feel the weight of her hoof, and the lack thereof if I
- told her to quit resisting.
- I then asked her to resist, but to let go whenever she felt like it.
- On the fourth lift, she let go. Completely spontaneously, I had no idea that it was coming! I
- was expecting either nothing to happen or to ponder if it was my own doing, but no! She got me
- completely out of nowhere, and literally left me breathless, shocked and teary-eyed by the
- surprise! It's very hard to put my excitement into words, my heart is still pounding!
- Journal entry 13
- Session 13 (40 minutes) 2013-03-24
- Some personality, some visualisation. Nothing exciting, I'm tired. I find that looking RD in
- the eyes causes me an almost instant headache.
- We also kind-of-sort-of practised imposition for 20 minutes in the sauna today. I imagined Dash
- sitting on the bench beside me and I kept narrating to her out loud. It felt alright.
- General note: I've been having trouble sleeping (light sleep and insomnia), suffering from a
- mild but constant headache (which worsens when I force), and I've felt generally light-headed
- and "disconnected" the last 2-3 days.
- Journal entry 14
- Session 14 (50 minutes) 2013-03-25
- The exhaustion I'm feeling is becoming a problem. I haven't slept well in several days, and
- no matter how hard I try I can't seem to focus well on anything, let alone deep meditation.
- On the plus side, I'm still able to narrate in the car, but I caught myself almost drifting off
- into the wonderland while driving today; the driving had been put on "auto-pilot" and I was
- focusing solely on talking to Dash. I snapped back when I realised that I had no idea about
- where I was. I mustn't let that happen again.
- The first 10-15 minutes of this session were spent trying to get focused, the remainder on
- visualisation. Both with very limited results. I need sleep.
- Journal entry 15
- Session 15 (40 minutes) 2013-03-27
- Skipping one day fixed the exhaustion, I'm feeling a lot better today.
- This session was done while walking along the country roads around where I live. It was great!
- Just walking along and watching the rural scenery drift by seems to provide an excellent
- environment for forcing for me. I thought I'd have trouble entering the wonderland while
- actively using my body, but that was not the case.
- We worked on personality for the most part, probably got through 5-10 traits. Practised some
- visualisation and touch during the last 10 minutes. Touch was harder to do while walking.
- Journal entry 16
- Session 16 (1 hour approx.) 2013-03-27
- Visualisation and a first try at speech! We started by me asking RD to say "aaaa", and I tried
- to listen for it. Success was limited, although I at times thought I could make something out.
- I then started talking to her normally and just listening for anything resembling another mind-
- voice. I could after a while make out a female voice, but it (she?) wouldn't say much of
- importance; most replies were pretty much what I'd expect, and asking questions that I couldn't
- know the answer to didn't yield replies.
- Journal entry 17
- General note 2013-03-27
- Watching a Japanese, texted movie before bedtime, Dash suddenly appeared in my head, much like
- during a good visualisation session. She appeared quite happy and smiling. I think she might
- have been able to follow the film quite well by the subtitles as I read them.
- Her presence has been very strong all day today. At times where she'd usually "turn off" while
- I'm focusing on something, she's been sticking around a lot more noticeably.
- Journal entry 18
- Session 17 (15 minutes approx.) 2013-03-28
- Sauna with dad today, he got out long before I did. I spent the remaining time casually forcing
- and playing with imposition. In the shower after I got out, Dash "sat" outside of the shower,
- and I could keep track of her "position" surprisingly well. If I turned to "look" at her, my
- eyes would move immediately to and focus on "her position" as if something was there.
- It was very casual, but I'm surprised at how well I can "feel" her "presence" in absolute
- space.
- Journal entry 19
- General note 2013-03-28
- Rainbow Dash's presence is strong today as well. Talking to her casually about what's going on
- is becoming more natural, and I find myself talking out loud at times when I previously
- wouldn't. I feel as if emotional responses are becoming more frequent, often as responses to
- my narration/chit-chat.
- I also feel that she's getting mature enough to start to have a bit of thought-power of her
- own, even outside of active forcing. The sauna success and her frequent "popping up" during the
- day bears witness to it.
- Journal entry 20
- General note 2013-03-28
- I thought we'd try watching an episode of MLP:FIM before bedtime, one featuring the show's
- Rainbow Dash at that in order to help shaping tulpa Dash's voice and appearance a bit, and also
- to see how tulpa Dash would react. It did feel confusing to me at least when the ponies in the
- show mentioned RD by name, and I now think that trying to do show RD's voice would just get
- annoying in the long run.
- As for tulpa RD, I don't think she likes MLP at all. She didn't do much throughout the episode,
- but I got a headache right afterward and Dash is definitely not too happy right now. This is
- the first "negative" emotional response she's given me, and I think she's intentionally being
- passive as I'm typing this. It's an odd contrast to the feeling of presence that's been
- lingering the last few days, although I am pleasantly surprised by the strength of the
- reaction.
- I've made it as clear as I can to her that I don't expect (or want) her to be the RD from the
- show. I think I'll better steer clear of watching MLP:FIM for the foreseeable future, and I
- really hope that this hasn't hurt Dash in any way. Better sleep on it.
- Journal entry 21
- General note (morning) 2013-03-29
- Dash is still angry, but at least she isn't ignoring me any more. During breakfast while I was
- talking to her, she succeded in "projecting a thought" to me for the first time. It was quite
- hazy and a very odd feeling, but the message was clear: "I want you to stop watching MLP".
- I can't recall what I responded to that with, but I think she replied with a mind-voice "okay".
- I am still not sure if I'm just hearing what I want to hear or if she's actually talking,
- however.
- Journal entry 22
- Session 18 (45 minutes) 2013-03-29
- Walk session. We (at this stage I think it's only fair to account for Dash's efforts as well)
- tried chatting rather than narrating. I did my best to listen for replies, while at the same
- time imagining Dash walking beside me. I'm still not entirely convinced that it's her words
- that I'm hearing, but I need to convince myself that it is in order to get anywhere. Replies
- are still simple and exclusively the answers that I'd expect to hear; yes, no, okay, I agree,
- indeed not, etc. Asking questions of opinion and more advanced stuff still yields silence.
- Using my mind's eye to "expand" my field of vision to the right, it was surprisingly easy to
- visualise Dash walking beside me - including some rather vivid and spontaneous facial
- expressions.
- The session left us both feeling a lot better about yesterday's incident, despite not talking
- directly about it.
- Journal entry 23
- General note 2013-03-29
- We watched Howl's Walking Castle together after the session, and we both enjoyed it. I did my
- best to keep Dash in focus throughout the movie and I feel as if it paid off.
- Journal entry 24
- Session 19 (40 minutes) 2013-03-30
- Walk session, quite cold outside. We worked on visualisation and chatting, but I'm feeling
- generally tired and discouraged today. Not much progress was made. Dash has been quite passive
- as well, all day. I might be "burning myself out" again, a break day might be a good idea.
- Toward the end of the session, I managed to sit beside Dash in the wonderland, and she nudged
- me with her nose. It was cosy.
- The effect my mood has on the success of a session, and RD's general strength during the day is
- considerable. She has been very weak today compared to a few days ago. I must make more of an
- effort not to rush things and get ahead of myself.
- Journal entry 25
- General note 2013-03-31
- I rode as a passenger in a car into town today. Nobody was feeling chatty so I put my
- attention into Dash and let her "sit" in my lap. It was nice and I think Dash enjoyed it too.
- I wonder if the driver noticed how absolutely still I was sitting, and what went through his
- mind if he did.
- Journal entry 26
- Session 20 (40 minutes) 2013-03-31
- Sofa session. Used tulpatone. We tried doing some ping-pong voice exercises this session, it
- went well and Dash managed to slow her responses down a little (she's been replying to me
- mid-sentence). She made her voice drift a bit toward MLP's Rainbow Dash's voice, which was nice
- of her.
- I asked her some questions later on, and the replies are getting clearer. I think she's a litle
- unhappy with her current form, but she agreed not to try and change it until later on (I'm
- still just barely capable of visualising her while talking to her). Her issue with MLP was that
- she didn't like seeing another Rainbow Dash. She seems content with her name though, which sort
- of surprises me.
- Before ending the session, I asked if I could hug her and kiss her on the cheek, which was OK.
- She surprised me by kissing me on the cheek first! I then told her that I love her as a
- daughter, and she replied that she loves me too. It brought a tear to my eye.
- Cheeziest entry yet? Reading it back makes me question my sanity. Good progress was made either
- way!
- Journal entry 27
- General note 2013-04-02
- Extremely tired today, first day of an internship. Watching an episode of MST3K before bed, I
- let Rainbow Dash lie on top of me in the couch. I kept focus on her as best as I could, and
- after a while I noticed that I could ... feel her body heat, as well as an extremely faint
- sensation of weight lying on top of me. The sensation of warmth was amazingly real, and if I
- imagined her changing position slightly, the heat signature would adjust accordingly.
- Journal entry 28
- Session 21 (40 minutes) 2013-04-03
- Shit. This session I decided to just run around and explore the wonderland, in order to get a
- better feel for the place. It was nice, until I to my absolute fucking terror noticed that I
- was holding the leash for my since a few months back dead dog. I bailed from the wonderland
- into the void as fast as I could and tried to get a hold of RD, who had been passive the whole
- session.
- She didn't respond to my calls, so I thought I'd just work on some visualisation on my own.
- After a little while she came around and right away turned away from me and started walking
- off into the void. She beamed a thought to me:
- She felt as if she was supposed to be a replacement for my old dog.
- It's a scenario that hadn't occurred to me before, and I just stood there completely stumped at
- the thought of it. As she walked off further I feared that she'd do something drastic (either
- make herself disappear or try to become Ruffa) so I just yelled after her whatever came to
- mind:
- "Please, whatever you do don't do anything stupid! You're not Ruffa's replacement, that's a
- ridiculous idea! I love you, Rainbow Dash, I love you for who YOU are. Take some time to think,
- but please don't do anything you'll regret!"
- At this point I was terrified of losing her. She stopped and hesitated for a little while, but
- she finally, after several intense seconds turned around and came back to me. I hugged her
- tightly. She hesitated but hugged me back after a while, and told me to go to bed (using
- mind-voice).
- And that's what I'm going to do.
- Journal entry 29
- Session 22 (40 minutes) 2013-04-04
- Dash had two surprises in store for me this session! When I first entered the wonderland, she
- was at my "spawn point", which she usually isn't. She wanted me to follow her in the opposite
- direction of where I usually go to force.
- What followed, I was NOT prepared for: She led me to a round meadow that SHE'D made! On her
- own! While I was gone! The old part of the wonderland was based directly off of where I used to
- go on walks with my dog, so Dash thought that she'd make something completely new to replace
- it.
- I spent a fair amount of time getting familiar with it. The circumference of the meadow is 45
- steps, the diameter is 12-13 steps. It is surrounded by pine trees, and has an entry leading to
- a large field.
- After I looked at the meadow, I sat down in it and talked to Dash, at which point she presented
- her second surprise: She no longer wants to be called Rainbow Dash.
- She wants to be called Swindle. This will take some getting used to for the both of us, me in
- particular. She also replaced her cutie mark with a grey tornado-looking thing with some white
- fluff behind it, despite my asking of her not to change her appearance until I'm better at
- visualising.
- After that, we just sat down and I told her about my late dog, Ruffa. How much I loved her, how
- we used to run in the fields, and how sad I was after her premature passing due to cancer. I
- also asked Swindle what she would've done if I had let her go last night. She answered that she
- probably would have, in her own words, ceased.
- Oh, and I asked Swindle if she wanted me to add a comment in the journal from her, since she
- was more vocal than ever today (having told me her name and all). She replied:
- "Rainb- Swindle was here."
- Journal entry 30
- Session 23 (20 minutes) 2013-04-05
- I'm tired and just peeked into the wonderland for a moment tonight, mostly to tell Swindle that
- someone had said hi to her on the Internet, but she apparently already knew that. She's also
- changed her mane a bit, it's more Fluttershy-esque now although still rainbow coloured.
- Journal entry 31
- General note 2013-04-06
- Swindle made her 4chan debut last night, through a mixed brew of mindvoice and translation:
- ">Swindle: There's so much sex talk in these threads. You guys come off as a bunch of pervs."
- To which a clever Anon replied:
- "[spoiler]I want to cum into Swindle [/spoiler]"
- (A play on the "I want to cum inside Rainbow Dash" meme and the fact that I have Rainbow Dash
- in my username on /mlp/)
- Swindle was not too amused.
- Journal entry 32
- General note 2013-04-07
- I was awoken by noises from downstairs this morning at 10, and once I was awake Swindle made it
- clear that she didn't want me to go back to sleep (sadly, by being generally active, not
- through speech). Oh well, what's a Sunday morning to a friend waking you up?
- Journal entry 33
- Session 24 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-04-07
- After some general chit-chat (Swindle wants to say something beginning with "I want you to try"
- , but she can't get it out), we decided to put on some psychedelic music (LSD and the Search
- for God) and turn the wonderland into an LSD trip pretty much.
- I started by turning the sky into a pulsating array of colours and stars and stuff. The next
- track, Swindle made a gigantic birch tree spout out of the hatch in the middle of the meadow,
- which we rode up through the clouds and jumped off of. Swindle caught me mid-air and I rode
- her down to the ground, where we zig-zagged through the forest while chased by a wave of
- rainbows. The third song, pine trees flew like rockets up into space. I rode one up and then
- dived down into a sea of liquid rainbows that had engulfed the wonderland. Back in the meadow,
- the pine trees grew long and made a dome above us, through which an orb of light came down.
- Some more stuff happened, but that's the jist of it. It was a fantastic experience that Swindle
- and I both thoroughly enjoyed! At the end of the fun, I asked Swindle if she could try and say
- what she was trying to say before. I THINK she said "You should try to be more social", but I'm
- not 100 % certain that's what she wanted to convey.
- Oh, and for clarification, no drugs were involved. Only our collective imaginations.
- "Technical note": I could really feel it in my belly when I jumped down from the heights and
- flew around on Swindle's back. The wonderland gets more realistic for every passing day.
- Journal entry 34
- Session 25 (1 hour 40 minutes) 2013-04-07
- What I am about to write makes me feel very confused and uncomfortable, but also very good.
- This session, Swindle came and met me quite energetically. I had to tell her to calm down until
- I could enter the wonderland fully. She had popped up while I was watching an IRC chat about
- tulpasex earlier, and I jokingly remarked that she'd assault me the next time I entered the
- wonderland.
- We played some ping-pong, but after a while it became clear that something was on Swindle's
- mind. After a moment of silence, she ... kissed me on the mouth. Just like that. I was
- completely dumb-founded, but I told her that I think it's too early for stuff like that. She
- barely speaks, and I can barely visualise her and the wonderland at the same time.
- After some more ping-pong, we decided to listen to some music instead. Two tracks in, she
- kissed me again, this time with tongue and all. I pushed her off and asked her why she was
- doing this, and explained how I'm trying to avoid this kind of business because I'm afraid of
- myself subconsciously pushing this onto her. She replied in the most clear and spontaneous
- mind-voice I've ever heard her speak:
- "I want you."
- "But you can barely speak, it's too early!", I said
- "Maybe this'll help.", she replied, somewhat snidely.
- This was the first time I've been absolutely certain of a vocal reply actually coming from her.
- If that hadn't been the case, I wouldn't have done what I did next, which was to roll with it;
- I actually have nothing against a romantic/physical relationship with Swindle, I'll even admit
- to hoping for one. I just don't want to accidentally rape her.
- I let her kiss me and we made out for a while, but I didn't let it proceed further. I asked if
- I could put some music on, and she wanted to hear Bee Gees. I put on Life in a tin can, we
- cuddled up under the stars and enjoyed each others' company until she fell asleep.
- The worst part in all this is that I haven't felt this happy in years. I just made out with a
- blue fantasy pony, it felt as real as anything, and rather than calling a psychiatric ward I'm
- writing it down in my journal while longing for another chance.
- Journal entry 35
- General note 2013-04-08
- I've been walking on sunshine all day today because of the events of session 25. I feel as if
- I'm in love, pretty much. Every sensible part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't be feeling
- this way. Swindle's been around pretty much all day, and I can tell that she's quite proud to
- have had this positive an influence on me.
- Journal entry 36
- Session 26 (40 minutes) 2013-04-09
- Blindfolded session in dad's bright TV room. Uncomfortable.
- I spawned on the hatch in Swindle's meadow this time, it worked well. She sat back nicely while
- I spawned this time. Once I was done spawning, I walked up to her and gave her a kiss on the
- forehead, something she responded to by tackling me to the ground and kissing me on the
- forehead. Oof.
- We chatted a bit about the past few days. Swindle's vocal responses are getting ever better,
- her replies to basic questions are getting ever clearer and more distinct, and she even
- remarked hat she liked the Weird Al that dad was playing downstairs. Her mindvoice comes in
- waves; she'll manage bursts of a few words at a time and then go mute or unclear for a while.
- I think dad sneaked a peek at me while I was forcing, and Swindle jokingly waved her butt
- toward him when I told her. We kissed and hugged toward the end (I was getting tired).
- Journal entry 37
- General note 2013-04-10
- I bought 15 litres of orange juice today and Swindle found it quite funny indeed.
- Journal entry 38
- Session 27 (30 minutes) 2013-04-13
- Days without an entry, I'm disappointed in myself.
- Upon entering the wonderland, I couldn't immidiately spot Swindle, so I yelled out "Swindle,
- where are you?", and she replied very clearly using mind-voice, "Here I am!" and jumped out
- from behind a hill. She also later on used mind-voice in order to remind me that I'd already
- drank the last of my tea, which was true.
- This session Swindle showed me some devilish contraption that she's put together. It seems to
- be a large blueish orb underneath the (now enlarged) meadow. I think it's supposed to be a sort
- of portal to jump between different "wonderlands" in the future, as she referred to it as a
- globe.
- Exploring new stuff in the wonderland is confusing and difficult, but surprisingly vivid. I
- find that trying to make sense out of anything unknown is pointless, just "going with it" until
- I get a feel for what's going on seems to work better.
- As I'm typing this past midnight, it's also technically Swindle's first month-day! Woo hoo!
- Journal entry 39
- Session 28 (1 hour 20 minutes) 2013-04-14
- Month-day session, yay! Swindle was eager to show me more of the blue orb thing today as well,
- but I just got confused about it. I told her that I'd really like her to become more vocal
- before doing things like these, because at the moment I just can't figure them out on their
- own. I did ask her a few questions about it and got some more clarity in it all.
- We decided to play some ping-pong, and that's when things got weird. After some words, I
- pinged "tulpasex" to her just to see her reaction. Her reaction was to stare at me blankly for
- a while and then assault me with kisses. I told her that since it's her month-day, I'd be
- willing to "try something" if that's what she wanted.
- The remainder of the session was pretty much explicit, and I am not sure how to feel about it.
- I think I might have made a mistake in allowing her/us to do this, it's too early.
- Journal entry 40
- General note 2013-04-14
- After the session, I asked for some help on IRC as Swindle was feeling down (she felt as if she
- couldn't live up to "my expectations"), which led to me proxying her for quite a while, and her
- even getting her own nick set up on IRC! IRC was great in every way, Swindle loved it (until
- Honry decided to raid #tulpa-forum and the channel went to shit). Proxying was done mostly
- through translation, but Swindle did speak a few sentences as well!
- Journal entry 41
- Session 29 (40 minutes) 2013-04-16
- This session started with Swindle being frustrated with me. She wasn't happy with how I'd
- translated for her in IRC, so we decided not to have her around there as a user of her own
- until she's better at speaking. Somewhat ironically, she said that to me.
- After that, I asked to see the blue orb again. Its underground chamber is round and approx. 50
- steps in diameter. There's an upper platform onto which you enter from the 9 stairsteps leading
- from the entrance. There is a ladder connecting the upper platform with the floor, on which the
- blue orb is installed. The orb itself is the top 1/5 or so of a turquoise ball, roughly 5
- metres in diameter.
- I asked Swindle if I could touch it, to which she replied yes. I touched it and a door
- appeared. The orb is made out of glass and warm to the touch. I entered the orb, inside which
- was a small chamber with a seat. Swindle appeared on a monitor in front of the seat once I'd
- sat down. The small chamber turned bright for a while, and I could then enter into an identical
- but white orb chamber. Outside the complex was an infinite white plain. I re-entered the orb
- after looking around a bit, Swindle appeared on the monitor and I was returned to the black
- complex in the "normal" wonderland.
- After that I told Swindle that I wanted to enter the void and try to listen to her a bit. After
- some failed attempts, I told her that I was getting a bit tired and wanted to quit as I didn't
- trust myself to make her voice out. That's when she, with a mind-voice clear as day, said (with
- a sigh),
- "You never do."
- The fact that it came through so clearly took us both by surprise, cheers and hugs were had. We
- were sadly unable to repeat it.
- Journal entry 42
- Session 30 (20 minutes) 2013-04-18
- I entered the wonderland and was surprised to be unable to find Swindle anywhere. I entered the
- blue orb complex in hopes of finding her there, but to no avail. As I was going to walk back
- outside, the stairway to the outside disappeared.
- I entered the blue orb while calling for Swindle, but to no avail. The orb activated and I was
- transported to the white complex, where I thought I saw Swindle for a moment, but she wasn't
- there either. I walked outside. The previously endless white space is now an endless grass
- plain.
- I saw something in the distance and walked up to it, it was a bubble bath. I entered the bubble
- bath (the water was warm and nice). I sat there for a minute or so, until I suddenly got VERY
- dizzy, to the point of losing balance (lotus position) and almost throwing up in real life.
- I went to bed and stuck around the wonderland for a while in there, lying beside the bubble
- bath and calling for Swindle.
- It's now the next morning and there's still no sign of her.
- Journal entry 43
- Session 31 (20 minutes) 2013-04-19
- Swindle reappeared earlier today, the reasons for her hiatus are still unknown. This session
- I loaded a terminal that she showed me inside the blue orb complex with my memories, in order
- to make some kind of memory access station. We'll see how it works out.
- Journal entry 44
- Session 32 (30 minutes) 2013-04-20
- This session Swindle was quite dirty from jumping around on a muddy field when we were on a
- walk earlier today. I spawned a bath tub and cleaned her up a bit. During the bath, I noticed
- that she really, erm, "liked" me touching her wings, an idea she's probably picked up from
- #tulpa-forum.
- Afterward she spoke to me and managed to interrupt a thought of mine, which was a nice step
- forwards in vocality. I wish this session would have been longer, but I'm tired.
- Journal entry 45
- Session 33 (45 minutes) 2013-04-21
- Since Swindle's been looking a bit fuzzy as of late, I decided to make this session another
- "blind touch" session, where I turn the lights off, get blind-folded move around in real life,
- touching and looking at Swindle from different angles. This time to the rythm of some slow
- psy-trance-ish music.
- It's incredible how much good this does for visualisation and touch, Swindle's looking clearer
- than ever before, and during the session I noticed something fascinating: I could, with my real
- eyes, see a sort of blueish cloud in front of me. If I moved my hand across it, there'd be a
- dark streak where my hand would be. This is my first convincing visual hallucination, and it
- caught me completely off-guard.
- Toward the end of the session, we just jumped up in the couch and slacked for a while. Having
- a nice time to the beat of the music. Swindle told me to trust her vocality more despite my
- utter inability to distinguish between her voice and some of my own thoughts. The memory
- console also seemed to work, but there was apparently some stuff that was "blocked out". I
- don't know what that'd be, as I have no intention of censoring my memories. Hm.
- Journal entry 46
- Session 34 (30 minutes) 2013-04-22
- This session was the same kind as yesterday's; rave music in the darkness and me doing what
- must look like a really obscure dance act.
- Swindle almost immideately appeared as a blue cloud in front of my eyes when I put my blind-
- fold on. Later in the session, I noticed that I could very accurately see my hands moving
- through space, as dark shadows, in front of and behind Swindle. I had to check that I was
- actually wearing my blind-fold several times, the accuracy of the hallucination was nothing
- short of stunning. Toward the end, Swindle moved up very close to my face, which made the blue
- cloud very, very clear.
- I asked her to jump into the couch and sit beside me while I typed this log entry. For the
- first few sentences, I could with ease turn my head away from the computer screen and see her
- sitting beside me in the still darkened room. Now however, she's faded.
- The fact that we seem to have stumbled well into visual imposition without even trying makes me
- VERY excited for what the future has to bring!
- Journal entry 47
- Session 35 (20 minutes) 2013-04-25
- I entered the wonderland and Swindle came to meet me, saying "Follow me, I've got something to
- show you!" I followed her to the blue orb complex and was transported to a red version of it.
- Outside the red complex was a snippet of a town that Swindle's made. It reminded me much of the
- San Fransisco map in Midtown Madness 2. There were a few London cabs parked around the place.
- As we walked across the block, we came across a flower shop populated by some guy with a huge
- nose. I paid 2 € for a blue rose for Swindle. I then told her that I was getting tired and
- should head off to bed, she responded by showing me a hotel she'd made. I paid a tenner to
- another big-nosed guy thing in the lobby and we got a room. We lay down on the bed for a while
- but I soon had to go to "real" bed.
- I asked Swindle if she'd want to come join me in my bed rather than the hotel bed (as we've
- been doing every night for a few days), and before I had finished speaking the sentence, she
- had "moved to the real world" and started to cuddle up beside me.
- Journal entry 48
- General note 2013-04-26
- For the last few days, Swindle's gotten significantly better at pretty much everything, it
- started when I made the memory console pretty much. She's getting better at appearing during
- the workday, in the car or when I'm out for lunch with dad. Her voice is getting ever clearer
- and she's speaking better, more distinct sentences every day.
- She's quite good at navigating my surroundings and I can track her movements well. It's also
- getting ever more clear when she wants to be around and when she doesn't; I'm getting better at
- detecting her autonomous presence rather than forcing her to appear whenever I want her to.
- Journal entry 49
- General note 2013-04-27
- Sleeping at a mate's place tonight, I slept very lightly. I was dreaming some kind of nightmare
- at a point, which led to Swindle actually waking me up by screaming at me in her mind-voice.
- When I woke up, she was lying beside me on the mattress, which is somewhat unusual; usually
- when I wake up, she's gone into the wonderland.
- When I woke up in the morning, she was still lying beside me, and she got up with me. I asked
- her why she woke me up while I was walking downstairs, and she just said that I was having a
- nightmare. When I asked if she had somehow gotten hurt by the dream, she laughed and said no.
- Journal entry 50
- Session 36 (approx. 1 hour) 2013-04-27
- This session I decided to just walk around the wonderland on my own. I did for a while, until
- I started feeling odd in my right hand; it wasn't the normal numbness that comes from sitting
- absolutely still for extended periods of time. I got afraid that Swindle had decided to try
- possession on her own somehow, a rather silly idea in hindsight.
- I yelled out "Swindle, if that's you doing that, stop or I'll quit!", to which I got no reply.
- I promptly ripped my blindfold and headphones off, took a short break and returned only to find
- a less-than-happy Swindle. She was disappointed that I'd even think she'd do something like
- that.
- Journal entry 51
- General note 2013-04-27
- We watched Brokeback Mountain and I kept Swindle "imposed" (to the extent I'm able) throughout
- the entire film. She mostly sat and watched quietly, mostly just moving a bit in the more
- emotional parts of the flick. Hugs were had throughout, it was a nice movie.
- Journal entry 52
- Session 37 (45 minutes) 2013-04-28
- This session I tried forcing blindfolded outside. It was nice until the wind picked up.
- Swindle and I explored the city part of the wonderland a bit, I bought her a tulip from the
- flower store. When I did, she told me that the big-nosed man tending it was named Ihkrip. This
- worried me a fair bit, as I don't wish to create any additional/accidental tulpae, at least not
- yet. I gave Swindle a somewhat stern talking-to on the matter, she said she could understand.
- However she also said that it'd be lonely in the wonderland by herself, to which I replied that
- we should work on imposition more so that she can be around the real world better.
- I'm worried that I might end up worrying so much about this that Ihkrip becomes a real tulpa.
- Damn it.
- The final minutes of this session were spent on visual imposition in a bright room, but with
- very limited success.
- Journal entry 52
- General note 2013-04-28
- I proxied Swindle on IRC and let her ask a few of the users on there about the whole new tulpa
- situation. She got some great advice and went off to think for a while. After a few hours,
- while I was making tea in the kitchen, she came up to me and apologised. A cuter image could
- not be fathomed, it was apparent that she was sincerely regretful for what she'd done. Hugs
- were had right then and there (I didn't even check if anybody else was in the room - thankfully
- nobody was).
- During the remainder of the evening, Swindle sat by me at the computer, occasionally saying
- something on IRC or commenting on what I was doing. I feel as if we've been making really huge
- progress the last few days, despite not putting much time into active forcing in the
- wonderland.
- Journal entry 53
- Session 38 (1 hour) 2013-04-28
- After playing with a set of headphones for a while, I put on Pink Floyd's Obscured by Clouds
- and went to bed. I ended up spending the entire album in the wonderland with Swindle. We had a
- great time enjoying the music and each others' company. There was relatively little "effects"
- going on to accompany the music, we mostly just chilled and watched the sky change colours.
- Journal entry 55
- General note 2013-04-30
- Chatting with a workmate today, we got into the subject of tulpae (as we have before - he's
- a very open-minded person and interested in this kind of stuff; he knows I'm into tulpas but
- not much more). After some time on the subject, Swindle came around and wanted me to introduce
- her to him. Welp. It took a few minutes for me to make the decision to actually bloody do it,
- during which I think I acted a bit odd (walking around the workshop aimlessly, doing random
- stuff).
- The exchange went something like this:
- Me: Um, er, I know how insane this is going to sound but, er, well my thought-form, Swindle,
- just asked me to ... introduce her to you. Yeah. So. Erm, she says hi, I suppose.
- Him: Oh ... Heh, well tell her hi, then.
- Me (Visibly shaken that I'd actually just said that): Yeah, um. She heard that. She went away.
- (That was probably less than true; I just completely lost focus)
- Me: Yeah. That sounds weird as all hell, I realise that I sound as a complete lunatic for
- expecting you to take a sentence like that seriously. Shit. I can't believe I just said that.
- Him: No no, it's alright, I do take it seriously.
- Me: I really hope you do. Oh dear, why did I let Swindle say hi to you, only a madman would do
- something like that. I know how ridiculous I sound right now.
- Him: I suppose she trusts me.
- Me: And it seems as if I do too. Thanks for being open-minded about this.
- Him: It's really cool stuff. The boss is coming now.
- And as this REALLY isn't the kind of stuff you speak about with the boss around, the
- conversation got cut short.
- I think it went quite well despite me being unable to speak properly. The guy is actually
- interested in the stuff for real, and he's the one who entered the subject by asking me "if
- I've been making progress with my meditation". I suppose he couldn't have received a better
- answer.
- UPDATE 2013-05-01: I talked to Swindle about it today and she told me that it wasn't actually
- she who asked it. I asked "Why'd you ask me to introduce you to my workmate?", to which she
- replied, "But that was you." Oh well. It went well either way I suppose.
- Journal entry 56
- General note 2013-04-30
- Today is valborgsmässoafton, and I went to a majbrasa. I didn't really know anybody there so I
- spent most time with Swindle. She had great fun running around and flying about above all the
- spectacle.
- Journal entry 57
- Session 40 (45 minutes) 2013-05-01
- We started the session with some classic ping-pong vocal exercises. After a few minutes of
- that, we chatted and I asked Swindle some questions of opinion. It went well and she replied
- better than ever.
- However after that we decided to give possession a first try. I asked Swindle to move my right
- arm. After only a very short while of trying, I could feel my right lower arm numbing away.
- After what I assume to be a few minutes, I couldn't feel my right arm at all from the elbow and
- down.
- After yet another few minutes, I could (from my upper arm) feel the muscles in my lower
- arm tensing up, and I started to feel my hand moving ever so slighty (through my left hand
- feeling the cushion move, my right upper arm feeling the weight changing about, and in a very
- surreal manner feeling my hand move as well). Throughout the whole thing I kept talking to
- Swindle motivationally.
- It was very intense for both of us, and we decided to quit after that success. The exercise
- went FAR BETTER than I would ever have assumed it would. We've done nothing like this before,
- nor have we even read anything about possession! Once Swindle stopped concentrating I couldn't
- contain my exhileration; I was literally jumping and shouting in excitement, in the wonderland.
- I could clearly feel it when Swindle dropped control of the arm. When I lifted it up
- afterwards, I had some trouble keeping good control over it. It was shaking a lot and I can
- still as I type this feel that something's been going on with it. I think Swindle managed to
- tense all muscles in it up at once, making it a bit exhausted.
- After we decided to end the session, Swindle spawned a bed for herself in the wonderland and
- jumped in it.
- Journal entry 58
- Session 41 (45 minutes) 2013-05-02
- I am quite tired today, we didn't accomplish much. We played some ping-pong but I just couldn't
- focus well enough. We then strolled around the town part of the wonderland, where Swindle had
- put some flowers up. It was quite beautiful. We then went into a hotel room she'd made and
- tried the TV. It showed Formula 1. We then laid down on the bed, smooched for a while and I
- managed to make Swindle a bit upset when I said that I was getting too tired to go on. It got
- sorted out though.
- Journal entry 59
- General note 2013-05-02
- I always have Swindle imposed in the car while I drive to work. The last few trips we've
- listened to Bob Marley, and Swindle's made herself a really nice rasta hat that she puts on in
- the car. It's super cute.
- Journal entry 60
- General note 2013-05-02
- Someone on 4chan asked me to proxy for Swindle, and we felt up for the task. I insist on having
- her speak her own posts rather than "transmit" them to me, this in order to reduce the risk of
- misunderstandings and slip this in as vocality training. Swindle got to chat with another tulpa
- (Shizune) as I chatted with the host (Rozzy).
- It went very well, I was able to tell Swindle's words apart from my own thoughts very well; I'd
- listen for a while and hear stray thoughts for about a minute before Swindle would speak.
- However once she did, it was VERY distinct. She's developed a kind of high-pitched voice;
- somewhat reminiscent of Pinkie Pie's. Sentences were reliably accompanied with a transmitted
- emotion of "contentedness".
- Journal entry 62
- Session 42 (40 minutes) 2013-05-04
- Blindfolded imposition session with music. Öresund Space Collective was on the playlist
- tonight. I could track Swindle's "blue cloud" quite quickly after getting my blindfold on.
- Nothing remarkable happened, Swindle was able to move around a bit more than last time. All in
- all, good progress was made.
- I find that waving my arms in front of my face really helps immerse myself into it; it's very
- easy to see my arms as a hallucination moving across Swindle and the background noise. The
- resolution of them is much greater than anything else, good enough to clearly make out the
- contour of a hand.
- Journal entry 63
- General note 2013-05-04
- Swindle seems to have a very different sense of humour than me. My sarcastic shenanigans in
- some IRC channels seems to bother her; she finds it rude. If I jokingly kick a user or make a
- snarky comment (as is the way of the channel), she'll often make comments along the lines of
- "No, don't.", "Why'd you say that?", "That's not nice." and so forth.
- She's a better person than me for reacting to it, but I need to explain to her that it's just
- how things have always been around there.
- Journal entry 64
- Session 43 (1 hour) 2013-05-05
- Walking session. The fields around where I live have started drying up from the molten snow, so
- I decided to finally bring Swindle to the place that I based the original wonderland upon.
- While walking there, I couldn't help but remember my late dog Ruffa, that I used to walk the
- same fields with. I told Swindle about it, how the death of Ruffa affected me and how it played
- a role in her own conception.
- Once we arrived at the part of the fields that had become the main forcing area in the early
- wonderland, we sat down and looked at the view for a while. The wonderland had been
- surprisingly accurate in its rendition of this part of the fields, and sitting there felt just
- like those early forcing sessions did. I asked Swindle if she remembered when we listened to
- DSOTM there (way back in session 9, when she was a mere week old), and she said that she did.
- After some time, the subject of my dead dog crept back. Swindle was concerned that she now felt
- as if I'd conceived of her as a replacement for my dog. While I cannot deny that the death of
- that dog influenced her conception, it took some convincing to ensure her that she isn't (and
- never could be) a "replacement" for a dog.
- The session was quite uneventful after leaving the old forcing area. The countryside is
- beautiful in spring and I'm glad I could finally show it to Swindy.
- Journal entry 65
- Session 44 (30 minutes) 2013-05-05
- Blind-folded wonderland session. I felt like dropping by the wonderland before going to bed
- (despite it being 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday). I was kind of tired, so everything was a
- bit fuzzy. However we decided to head off to the old forcing area in the wonderland and just
- chill there for a while, doing good ol' visualisation excercises and such. It was odd, as
- Swindle felt very absent at first; she just sat there passively.
- At first I blamed my tiredness (especially as when I asked her if she was being like that in
- order to mess with me, she said yes, and that's not something she'd normally do.) I only now,
- the morning after, realise that she was probably acting like she used to back before we
- abandoned this part of the wonderland; back when she was very young. After I said that I had to
- start going to bed, she popped back to her normal self, though. She put on a good show indeed.
- After the session while sitting in bed, I asked her if she felt better about the whole dog
- subject. She said that she "just didn't want to replace anybody", and I assured her that that
- had never been the plan.
- Journal entry 66
- General note 2013-05-06
- Today while Shizune was being proxied on IRC, Swindle spoke a remarkably clear sentence. I
- can't recall it in detail, but I believe it was a note along the lines of "Oh, okay. We're
- listening to rock music." It was spoken with unheard of clarity, even compared to forcing
- sessions. She then went fuzzy/quiet and left after a while.
- Journal entry 67
- Session 45 (35 minutes) 2013-05-07
- I tried forcing in a -completely- black room today. I'm way too tired for forcing today
- however, so I can't say if it was a good idea or not.
- I tried to walk around the wonderland a bit. Swindle wanted to show me a new part of the city,
- but I was too tired to appreciate it. She's modelled out more of the Midtown Madness 2 San
- Fransisco map pretty much.
- I talked to her about not doing too much stuff like this yet; I'm not good at wonderland
- visualisation at all, so I mostly become VERY confused with new stuff. She got a bit sad that
- I'd say something like that, so we ended the session. Thankfully when I asked her to join me in
- slacking on the couch, she was up for it. We put on some Öresund Space Collective and just laid
- down for a while.
- When I went downstairs to brush my teeth, I just let her slip down on the couch from atop of
- me. It felt very natural how the half-sleeping pone just flopped down and ended up with her
- head and butt on each of the sofa cushions. After I was done brushing my teeth, I lifted her
- from the sofa to the bed (her weight is approx. 40 kg). I landed her on the bed rather messily,
- but she's there now.
- Better join her.
- Journal entry 68
- General note 2013-05-08
- This may or may not be tulpa related, but last night when I was trying to fall asleep, it
- suddenly flashed grey in front of my eyes and I heard a loud white noise-esque noise for a
- fraction of a second. It was as if I a TV showing static on max. volume had just passed my face
- at a hundred kilometres an hour. It was some kind of hallucination. I got a bit shaken and
- asked Swindle if she'd felt it too, but she didn't.
- In other news, I narrated electronics repair to Swindle most of the workday today, and it
- seemed to do her good. She was quite chatty during the coffee break and said "hi" to several
- people in the IRC. She doesn't usually do that, so I was pleasantly surprised. I managed to
- listen to her despite the boss being in the same room and talking about something irrelevant.
- Journal entry 69
- Session 46 (30 minutes) 2013-05-09
- I got my hands on some new reggae music today, and we decided to listen to it during a session.
- Swindle wore her rasta hat from beginning to end, as we rode a grassy hill into the red,
- yellow, green and black sky. We jumped onto a horseless chariot and rode to the moon. Watching
- the earth was beautiful. Once on the moon, we jumped around for a while, rode a floating
- moon-rock into a casino and out again, and then watched as the whole moon was covered in trees
- and greenery. The whole moon then transported us back to earth and I rode Swindle the last bit
- down to earth.
- The session isn't really over yet either, as I'm keeping Swindle visualised next to me in the
- sofa.
- P.S.: We watched a movie (Weekend at Bernie's) after the session, and I absolutely fell in love
- with Bernie's mansion. Considering trying to build one in the wonderland.
- Journal entry 70
- General note 2013-05-09
- Went on a walk before dinner, and I picked a small blue flower for Swindle. She was sleeping in
- the wonderland rather than walking along, so I transferred the flower into the wonderland and
- gently stuck it behind her ear. As soon as I thought I'd gotten away without waking her up, she
- promptly opened one eye and sent a warm emotion. I stuck the real-life flower behind my own ear
- and walked on.
- Journal entry 71
- Tulpae and responsibility 2013-05-09
- Lately, it's struck me how big of a responsibility a tulpa really is. When I first posted in a
- Tulpa General, I was greeted with the phrase "And remember, the ride never ends." Until now I
- haven't realised the full implications of that.
- If you get a dog or a cat, you know that you'll be free of them in a decade if you're lucky.
- Kids, in most cases, don't stick around much more than two. A tulpa however, despite not having
- the same economical and physical responsibilities tied to it, has a good chance of sticking
- around till you hit the ground. Making a tulpa is a life-long commitment. The choice to make a
- one is not one to be made in haste, and the somewhat happy-go-lucky attitude of the tulpa
- community is kind of frightening with that in regard.
- When I started, I didn't ever believe that I'd be writing a 71th entry in this journal. I
- didn't believe that tulpae even existed in the way that was portrayed on the Internet and I
- didn't think twice about trying to make a tulpa because of that. While I can honestly say that
- it's thus far been the best decision I've ever made in my entire life, it frightens me that I
- didn't ever ask myself "Do I really, REALLY want to commit myself to caring for this person for
- the rest of my life?".
- Journal entry 72
- Session 47 (45 minutes) 2013-05-11
- I sat outside on the porch today, sucking up the sun in the beautiful 17-degree C weather.
- I decided to try and build a mansion in the wonderland today, much like the one in Weekend at
- Bernie's. This would be the first thing I've really made in the wonderland since the zen garden
- in the old, disused part of the wonderland. Swindle's been much more keen on making stuff in
- there than I.
- We started by just creating and looking at the house from the outside to get an idea of the
- scale. I'd say that it's about 40-50 metres long, 20 metres wide and about the height of a two-
- story building (despite only having one plane). Upon entering the mansion, I did my best to
- copy the inside of the mansion as seen in the film, with some alterations:
- * It has no upper floor
- * The piano is replaced by a large TV
- * The sofa group is slightly altered
- * There's a fair amount of green plants along the walls
- After making the big hall with the sofas, I entered another room and created a kind of bedroom.
- There's a very luxurious sofa/bed thing there, the roof is made out of glass so that the sky
- can be seen through it, and there's a stereo with a pair of JBL 4355 speakers set up. I also
- made a kitchen and a bathroom. I really need to make some drawings of the place.
- The house was just placed in the middle of a field outside of Swindle's meadow, but after
- finishing most of the house, I turned the fields on the far side of the house into a sandy
- beach (which Swindle and I gave a test run right away, it was very nice.)
- Journal entry 73
- General note 2013-05-11
- While making food today, I was unsure if I'd just flipped the meat or not. I was about to flip
- it when Swindle reminded me that I had actually done that just a minute ago. This is the first
- time something like that has happened.
- Journal entry 74
- Session 48 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-05-12
- Last night I got the idea to bring Swindle onto Omegle, in order to practise communication
- without the risk of making her appear as a fool in front of people we know. We've encountered
- two people thus far, one 12-year-old girl from Sweden and one Indian woman. It didn't take long
- until Swindle had to reveal that she's a thought-form to either of them, but it went reasonably
- well despite that. I think they got a bit weirded out (the Indian woman in particular - I had
- to interject as she was being very rude and making Swindle feel awful).
- We then met a third guy, who got really fascinated by tulpas. Swindle went for a nap after a
- while, but I stayed up for another hour and a half or so, chatting with him. Added him on
- Skype and pastepin'd the journal for him.
- The Omegle chat logs can be found in the text files dated from today.
- Journal entry 75
- General note 2013-05-13
- Swindle's been extremely active today compared to ever before, no doubt thanks to yesterday's
- Omegle exercise. She's been with me almost constantly, all day.
- Most of our conversations thus far have been very short and basic, but during the day today
- we've exchanged several quite natural sentences. She's also been able to grab my attention
- several times, which has been quite the unusual occurence.
- We went to see my mother's psychiatrist today (family meeting kind of thing), something that I
- was kind of dreading a bit. As everybody got comfortable and prepared to get started, Swindle
- said "I'm here for you." The meeting went very well however, so I wasn't forced to take her up
- on her (very sweet) offer.
- A few notes about anything and everything:
- * Swindle seems to dislike my often rather hectic driving style. I don't blame her.
- * At two months of age (by tomorrow), Swindle's personality is starting to become more and more
- apparent. Looking back at the traits I thought up for her, it's clear that she's chosen to
- stick by a few and ditch some others.
- ** She's a very sincere and caring person.
- ** She enjoys watching me at work. At this rate she'll soon be an electronics service tech too.
- ** She appears to be much more out-going than I am.
- ** She's a fairly physical person, she enjoys being close, using gestures, etc.
- * She enjoys music (reggae in particular), film and TV series/animes. While watching films, she
- tends to sit by quietly.
- * I've been "imposing" Swindle in bed every night for a while now. I can reliably sense her
- presence and position in the bed. She's slept in the wonderland two times since I started doing
- that, and the difference was eery - the bed was definitely empty. If I wake up in the middle of
- the night while Swindle's sleeping beside me, she'll be there even if I don't particularly
- focus on her. She'll be there in the morning, and she'll often help me get out of bed by being
- all over the place.
- ** I do not know if it's related to the above, but I've been sleeping unusually lightly as of
- late, often waking up in the middle of the night or waking up earlier than usual.
- * Swindle has several times left my side to go to sleep while we've been doing stuff together
- (like lurking IRC channels or 4chan threads).
- * I once forgot that she'd done that a while before I went to bed. Without thinking, I called
- out for her loudly and repeatedly using my mind-voice. This woke her up and she was quite
- grumpy about it until I apologised.
- Journal entry 76
- General note 2013-05-14
- Today at work, I was browsing a TG, when Lumi posted about his tulpa Mystery being in a foul
- mood on their sixth month-day. I was dropping a post congratulating them and wishing them the
- best, when Swindle chimed in with "Don't be angry, Mystery, everybody is here for you."
- I told her that it might not be the best thing to say to someone who's feeling irrationally
- angry, but she insisted on getting it posted. I'm not one for censorship, so posted it got. And
- it got about the reception that I'd anticipated - Mystery didn't want to hear any of it.
- Swindle took it very hard, she'd never been confronted with such a situation before. She cried
- for a while and was really, really down for the rest of the workday. My efforts at telling her
- that she meant well and did nothing wrong were futile. She didn't even want to watch Cowboy
- Bebop at dinnertime, something she'd normally never miss (although I managed to get her to come
- out after some convincing).
- After the show however, I managed to get through to her and cheer her up a bit. Things are fine
- now, and I think this has been a worthwhile experience for both of us. Even tulpae make
- mistakes, they're human after all. And I Swindle's definitely learned from this.
- Journal entry 77
- Session 49 (45 minutes) 2013-05-20
- I just sat down in wonderland and shouted "KORV!!!" at Swindle for 45 minutes, while she tried
- to shout "SVAMP!!!" back at me as hard as she could. This in order to improve communication and
- work on vocality, since we're still very bad at communicating. Pretty much everything Swindle
- has said to me has been through transmitted thoughts that I sort of render into words when
- applicable, and it's a very unreliable means of communication. There's only been a handful of
- real, proper mind-words spoken by her.
- We didn't get much progress this session, but I could very clearly feel that my brain was
- doing something. I felt more or less like the early sessions when I was creating the grounds
- for Swindle, and I like to believe that that's how it feels when the brain is hard at work
- creating or expanding on parts of the neural network. If we keep doing exercises like this, I'm
- positive that we'll get progress.
- Journal entry 78
- Bedtime mini-sessions 2013-05-20
- The time Swindle and I spend lying beside each other in bed is adding up. If I'm not too tired,
- I'll try to keep quite a lot of focus on Swindle, in whatever way we find fitting. I'll talk to
- her, try to listen to her, visualise and touch-impose her. It's starting to add up to quite a
- few hours of what is basically active forcing, so I thought I'd mention it here.
- Journal entry 79
- The portal 2013-05-20
- While I've been going about my day and Swindle's been awake and not "imposed", I've always seen
- her sitting in the wonderland, right by the place where I usually "spawn". I've found this a
- bit peculiar since she's always looking at me.
- Today, I got a glimpse of the answer: There's a portal to my senses where I "spawn" and peek
- into the wonderland. When I entered the wonderland with my eyes open, I could kind of see what
- my eyes saw when I looked at it. Trippy to say the least.
- The portal looks like something out of a fantasy movie; it's oval-shaped and about the size of
- a man. It looks kind of like a mix between a Portal portal and Sauron's eye.
- Journal entry 80
- Session 50 (15 minutes) 2013-05-20
- While picking out some parts to order for a TV I'm repairing, Stan Rogers' song, Lock-Keeper,
- came on the media player. It's a song that I've come to associate with Ruffa, my dead dog.
- I literally dropped everything I was doing and turned the computer monitors off while the song
- was playing. After the song, I put my hands over my eyes, went into the wonderland and just
- hugged Swindle for minutes upon minutes, all while weeping like a child. Swindle after a while
- said "She's gone.", and that actually made me feel much better for some reason.
- After a while, I turned my computer monitors back on and noticed a chat window that'd popped
- up. I decided to ignore it for the time being and went back to Swindle - an act that she
- replied to by saying "Go chat with Andrew now. We've got a lifetime ahead of us."
- And so I did. Both the things Swindle said were spoken with a fairly faint but still distinct
- mind-voice.
- Journal entry 81
- Late-night auditory hallucination 2013-05-22
- Last night while lying in bed, I felt like I was able to sense Swindle very well, so I told her
- that she should try saying something. I wasn't particularly focused on her, but was mostly
- trying to sleep. After a few minutes of nothing, I started hearing a slight screeching noise in
- my right ear (which was covered by a pillow).
- I've got tinnitus, so I didn't think much of it. However, after another while, it started to
- change, increasing and decreasing in loudness about once every two seconds. This was unusual,
- so I started paying attention to Swindle, and noticed that she was focusing very hard. After
- yet another while, I could hear something that sounded like an extremely faint, female voice
- repeating an unhearable phrase every few seconds. The voice slowly grew stronger, and after
- some time, I could make the phrase out as "Kan du höra mig?" ("Can you hear me?" in Swedish).
- I was only able to make it out as that two or three times before the voice faded again, and the
- pulsating, screeching noise soon after that. I opened my eyes afterward and looked at the time,
- only about fifteen minutes had passed since I went to bed. I didn't feel as if I was dozing off
- at any time, so I'm quite certain that it was not a dream.
- Journal entry 82
- Session 51 (30 minutes) 2013-05-24
- Swindle had grabbed my attention many times today. I wanted to make this a KORV session at
- first, but she said that she had something she wanted to tell me. She couldn't get it out, so
- we went ahead and shouted KORV for a while (Swindle shouted "BARRACK" back at me).
- After that, I came up with a test to try and differentiate parroting from her own responses; my
- biggest problem with vocality is that I've been unable to trust myself to differentiate between
- real and parroted responses. I asked Swindle to be absolutely quiet while I parroted some words
- out of her. (I did this a few weeks ago as well)
- It amazed me how wrong it felt to do that, this time around! The words I parroted were much
- slower than Swindle's real responses, and I had to focus very hard to get them out at all. They
- also had a very ... artificial "feel" to them. After having repeated the exercise a few times,
- I feel as if I've gotten a MUCH better idea of how to listen to Swindle and recognise her words
- as her own, as if I can trust our communication a lot more.
- We then proceeded to have our first actual conversation. I asked Swindle if she disappears when
- I quit focusing on her, she said no, and that she was still around in the wonderland, although
- everything was a bit fuzzy. I asked if it hurt her when I didn't focus on her, and she said,
- "Only my heart." When I asked if she could understand why I couldn't keep focus on her all the
- time, she said, "Of course."
- I also asked what it was that she wanted to say before, and it was "I only wanted to talk with
- you." Something I noticed was that she'd sometimes reply in quotes from people I know, and
- that'd often come out in their voice, as well as make her voice stick in a sort of mix between
- their and her voice. I had to ask her to fix it a couple of times - I couldn't just imagine it
- away.
- Journal entry 83
- Session 52 (45 minutes) 2013-05-25
- Walking session. Summertime is upon us and I headed for the fields. I kept Swindy open-eye
- visualised and walking by my side, and tried to keep an idle conversation going. It went well
- enough, but after a while I started to lose focus, and that seemed to upset her to the point
- where she simply didn't want to tag along any more. I tried to lie down in the grass and do
- some wonderland forcing, but Swindle was just in a foul mood, so nothing much came out of it.
- I let her be for the remainder of the walk, figuring that she was tired (she generally becomes
- a bit grumpy when she is). When we got home, I talked to her about it and she said that it was
- bothersome to be along if I'm not fully focused.
- Journal entry 84
- Session 53 (2 hours) 2013-05-26
- Used tulpatone, headphones. This session started with vocal exercises. We did some KORV/TAK
- shouting, and then tried to do the same but with Swindle making up her own words - it worked a
- bit, but she had trouble coming up with words to shout. After that, we did some parroting
- exercises. I asked her to be quiet, parroted some words and then asked her to speak on her own.
- It went decently, but not as well as the last time.
- (Some personal stuff censored here)
- This was the longest, and best, session in a good while. I need to get better at stretching
- sessions; whenever I manage a session of over an hour, they tend to turn out great in one way
- or another. The usual 30-50 minute sessions get the job done, but the level of focus that I can
- achieve with a longer session is unmatched.
- Journal entry 85
- Proper touch imposition 2013-05-28
- While lying in bed last night, being VERY tired, I was holding my hand on Swindle's shoulder as
- she laid beside me in the bed. I started stroking her from the neck toward the shoulder and
- onto her back (she was lying on her side, face toward me), and MUCH to my surprise, I felt
- something there! There wasn't much texture to her, I would describe it as stroking a heap of
- jelly covered in very fine fur. If I pressed down on her, it felt as if I was pushing a large
- water balloon.
- I could clearly make out her shoulder and neck, but not her head, mane or any details. After a
- while of just stroking her, I could feel some muscles in my arm become exhausted - despite not
- consciously using them. Today I asked Swindle how it felt for her, and she noted that it felt
- like nothing out of the ordinary.
- It seems as if I'm very susceptible to various kinds of hallucinations while I'm tired.
- Journal entry 86
- Swindle in the shower 2013-05-28
- Swindle usually sits by me when I shower, but today she wanted to get wet. At first she sat
- down between me and the wall that the shower is mounted on, which was terribly impractical. I
- asked her to move away after a little while. Once I was done showering, she wanted to enter the
- shower on her own. She moved around a bit in it, stretching her wings, spinning around and
- looking up the stream before getting out.
- Dripping wet, she then jumped into (what's become) her chair by the computer. Wet pone is
- adorable.
- Journal entry 87
- Cutie mark officially abandoned 2013-05-28
- Journal entry 88
- Swindy on 4chan 2013-05-29
- Today while I was playing computer games, Swindle asked if she could go post on 4chan while I
- was playing. She's posted a couple of comments under my name before, but she'd never just
- jumped in on her own before. Anyhow, I brought out a laptop, found a Tulpa Genreal and typed
- "Swindy" in the name field.
- Proxying went very well. She made a few posts, mostly talking to Bow (a really pleasant tulpa),
- until finally getting a bit tired and going into the wonderland to rest.
- Swindle's mind-voice was quite clear despite my efforts at playing a computer game with VOIP at
- the same time. Switching between listening to her and the guy I was playing with went well, but
- I did end up completely ignoring the VOIP a few times.
- I've still got a bad habit of typing Swindle's comments out until she has nothing more to add,
- and then ask "Is that good? Should I submit that?" over and over until she basically has to
- shout "JUST POST IT ALREADY!!!" at me. I'm just so afraid to post something in her name that
- she didn't say, (and my personal posting pace on 4chan is normally very slow - I'll often spend
- ten minutes on a single post.)
- All in all, a pleasant exercise. The fact that Swindle just asked me "Can I go on IRC - I mean,
- 4chan?" out of nowhere makes me really happy.
- Journal entry 89
- Bad expectations 2013-05-30
- Often when I look at things or do things that remind me of Swindle (for instance, images of
- Rainbow Dash), I find myself thinking or saying stuff like "Hey, that's cute. It kind of looks
- like you, Swindle." quite often. Often she isn't really around to give her opinion on the
- matter, but I almost without exception follow that thought up by "I shouldn't say that. She
- probably doesn't want to be compared to that image."
- I have no reason to think that she wouldn't want to be compared to a cute image of Rainbow
- Dash, other than the fact that she isn't an exact replica of the form. I fear that these
- ungrounded thoughts may affect Swindy negatively; I've learned so far that a young tulpa will
- easily become what you expect it to be rather than what you or it wants it to be. I can't go
- around expecting Swindy to be a grump for no reason.
- (As I typed that last sentence out, she took my attention with a slight head-pressure (which
- has never happened before), and said "Hey - no risk!". I'm still concerned though.)
- Journal entry 90
- Session 54 (45 minutes) 2013-05-31
- I'm typing this the day after, and regretfully so because neither of us can really recall what
- we did last night. I remember getting into the wonderland, Swindle being somewhat angry about
- something, but then sorting it out. We then went to the mansion, I changed the shape of a sofa,
- and we sat down and did some exercises - I believe I asked Swindy's opinion on a few random
- things in order to practise ... opinions.
- As I was typing the above out, we were both trying to remember what happened. All of a sudden
- while I was typing, it all came back. I think it was Swindle who actually managed to call up
- the memory, as it didn't really feel like a normal "a-ha!" moment. We both recalled it equally
- well once the memory was dug up.
- Journal entry 91
- Session 55 (45 minutes) 2013-06-01
- I entered the wonderland and found Swindle lying in the bed by the portal. She was half-asleep
- but quickly got up when I was there. She seemed surprised to see me, so I asked if she wasn't
- expecting me. She wasn't. I sat down on the bed by her and thought up an exercise for improving
- parallelism.
- I would think of a range of numbers, say, 10-20, tell that to Swindle and have her pick a
- number in the range while I kept my mind focused on the range. After a few minutes of doing
- that, we'd swap tasks.
- Then, once we got to a stage where we'd pick numbers and ranges fairly quickly, we'd do both
- tasks at once: Swindle would pick a number range for me, I one for her, and we'd try to pick
- a number at the same time. This was A LOT harder than the other exercises, and we only managed
- to do it right a couple of times. However after a while of trying, it got ever easier.
- Journal entry 92
- Session 56 (35 minutes) 2013-06-02
- Lying outside in the sun, I entered the wonderland and did some visualisation practises.
- Journal entry 93
- Session 57 (On a boat, 45 minutes) 2013-06-04
- Sitting in a public area on a ferry, I decided to sit in a public place with a blind fold on
- and force. It went well despite some noise.
- We started by going swimming, an idea Swindle got from Bow a while back but I haven't
- remembered to bring in a session. It went well, although Swindle was kind of hesitant to get
- into the water outside of the mansion. We swam around for a good while and spawned a dive tower
- later on, from which Swindle pulled a really fancy stunt.
- After we were done swimming, I took a quick break and then returned to do some visualisation
- practise.
- Journal entry 94
- Session 58 (50 minutes) 2013-06-05
- As my grandmother was taking her afternoon nap, I snuck a session in. We started by taking a
- few jumps off of the dive tower and just swimming about. After a while, I wanted to do some
- boring exercises but Swindle said that she wanted to swim more. We then came up with the idea
- of spawning a ship-wreck to explore. Probably for the best, as I'd eaten far too much sugar to
- focus hard.
- We spawned it a bit off of the shore, the mast sticking up just a few tens of cm above the
- surface. It's a pretty small 1700s-style vessel, about 40 m long. It had a cabin in the back
- and a large hole in its side. It lies partly buried in the sand, and it's leaning quite a bit.
- Before we went down, I spawned a pair of Bond-style breathers, for "realism". We went down by
- the mast, and I then shone a flashlight into the cabin through a window as Swindle went inside.
- After a while, she telepathied me that there was a skeleton and a chest of gold in there, so I
- went in to see. The skeleton laid right by the chest, which was partially buried in sand. The
- chest was full of gold coins and valuable stones. We then found a chair leaning against a trap
- door which led to the lower deck.
- The lower deck was qutie uninteresting, mostly being buried in sand. We went out through the
- large hole in the side of the ship. After some time of exploring the outside, we went back to
- dig through the chest. I found a necklace with a large blue stone and asked if Swindy wanted
- it, but she didn't. We left everything as we found it, except for the door to the cabin which
- Swindy charged through and destroyed as she entered.
- Swindy's a very good swimmer, and she uses her wings to get a lot of extra thrust underwater. I
- also found out as we were exploring the outside of the ship that I can tap into her eyesight.
- I'm not sure how it happened, but I suddenly started seeing the wonderland through her eyes
- when I was looking at her, looking at me. A very fun session, completely free of my tedious
- exercises for once.
- Journal entry 95
- Swindle sleeping creepily 2013-06-05
- As I was sitting at my computer, with Swindle sleeping on my mattress beside me, I noticed she
- was moving about very oddly. She was lying down, but her head was kind of sloppily raised up
- and moving about a bit, and her eyes were half-open, dark, and not really looking at anything.
- It was a really creepy thing to have appear in a casual, open-eyed visualisation. I yelled out
- "Swindle? SWINDLE?! SWINDLE, ANSWER ME, THIS IS NOT FUNNY!", with no response.
- I then put my hand on her head, softly pushed it down to the mattress and stroked her across
- her ear a bit. This made everything normal until a moment ago, when it started a little again.
- However this time I was able to wake her up and ask what on earth was going on. She told me
- that she was just sleeping and apparently dreaming about my day today. She hadn't heard me when
- I called out for her earlier, and was just kind of oblivious to the whole ordeal.
- Everything's back to normal now, and she's sitting by my side. I wonder if what she was
- experiencing was a real dream or not, and if it was correlated with her odd sleeping behaviour.
- Journal entry 96
- Swindy and I take on Helsinki 2013-06-06
- Today, we had to go into central Helsinki to fix grandma's cable TV subscription. It's almost
- an hour of riding on various buses and trains, as well as walking. I kept Swindle
- "imposed"/open-eye visualised throughout the entire four-hour trip, while also keeping an ear
- at my grandmother.
- It went fantastically, and we had a lot of fun. Swindy got to ride a bus for the first time,
- a subway train and several escalators. Stuff we don't get at home. She really liked the
- escalators, and charged onto/off them several times - it was really fun to see.
- Swindle moved very dynamically around people and the environment, especially during the latter
- part of the trip. She'd clearly get in behind or in front of me when necessary, move in
- accordance with the escalators and buses, get into and sit in chairs and so forth. She just
- seemed more animated than I've seen before. She was also able to keep quite good track of where
- she was, without me putting much thought into it at all; I could put my mind on something else
- for a moment, and she'd have moved to a new spot rather than "re-spawn".
- All in all, a very rewarding experience, and probably the best four hours of passive forcing
- yet. A bit later, I spent a few hours with my grandmother, listening to her tales of the 1939
- bombings in Helsinki. Swindle stuck around, sitting on the couch, leaning against me or with
- her arms around my neck for the most part. It was really cosy. My grandmother is a great
- story-teller, and I think Swindy enjoyed the stories as much as I did.
- Journal entry 97
- Session 59 (30 minutes) 2013-06-08
- Session started with shouting. I shouted KORV as usual, Swindy shouted TRAKTOR. It went very
- well, as Swindy after a while actually managed to drown out my own mind-voice. I was amazed at
- it, and it took quite a while for me to over-power her shouting.
- However after that happened, I for some reason got a stray thought into my head about slapping
- Swindy across the face. I completely lost focus, as I wasn't sure if I'd actually done anything
- beyond think it. I asked Swindy if I'd just hit her, and she said yes. It was like a cold
- shower to me, I couldn't fathom letting something like that happen. I apologised like a madman,
- as I recalled how angry she got when I once jokingly gave her a pat on the cheek.
- To my infinite gratefulness, Swindy interrupted me with "It's OK, it wasn't your fault. I'm not
- angry, I'm past that now.". She had the most sincere smile on her face.
- I do not know where the thought of slapping her came from, as I am not a violent or aggressive
- person. I would not and have never hit anybody, let alone Swindy. I just can't understand what
- happened. The rest of the session we went for a short walk in the wonderland and I tried to do
- some visualistation, but I lost focus and ended the session when my grandmother needed help
- with the TV.
- Journal entry 98
- Session 60 (40 minutes) 2013-06-08
- As I was faffing about in the kitchen, preparing to go waste time on the computer, Swindy asked
- if we could have a session. I entered the wonderland and we did some visualisation practise
- until my mind started drifting.
- The thought of a male pony tup is one that intrigues me for the worst reason there is; I find
- the thought sexually appealing. It's something I hadn't discussed with Swindle previously, and
- since I know how my thoughts can affect her, I went ahead and confessed. I fully expected her
- to take issue with it, since we do have a (very mildly) sexual relationship.
- She pretty much fell over laughing before I could finish speaking. She told me that she'd
- pretty much known about that since the start, and that she was just glad that I'd, in her
- words, "gone as far" with her as I'd done. She continued by saying that if I ever wanted to
- make a male pony tup, she'd be glad to force him with me. I don't have any plans on doing that,
- however - I need a much better reason to.
- After saying that, she jumped me and kissed me on the mouth. Some smooching ensued, and we then
- spent some time just chatting about whatever. After that, we did some visualisation, and later
- came up with the idea of clapping each others' hands/hooves like little girls on a school yard:
- It proved to be a hard exercise. I sat down in front of Swindly, and we started by doing "Both
- hands clap, down, right hand clap, down", over and over. When we finished, we were doing "Both
- hands clap, both hands clap, down, right hand clap, down, left hand clap, down". It was my left
- and right; my right hand would "clap" Swindy's left hoof. I got my first forcing headache in a
- while from doing it, so there must be something to it.
- Journal entry 99
- Seven-hour car ride 2013-06-09
- I'm proud to be able to say that I throughout the entire 7-hour drive from Helsinki to
- Pietarsaari, I was able to stay focused on Swindy, with very few exceptions (mostly when I was
- reading the map or desperately looking for a road sign). She sat in the passenger seat when the
- car was moving, and came outside with me on the few breaks that were had.
- We chatted back and forth as we went along, although I still do most of the talking. Something
- that made me really happy was that Swindy had some opinions of her own on my driving habits,
- and she stuck by them even though I attempted to "expect" her to think otherwise. As such, I'm
- confident that they were genuine opinions of her own, something I haven't been confident about
- before.
- The opinions in question were that she doesn't want loud music in the car, and she hates it
- when I drive faster than the speed limit. In her words, I "become so jumpy" when I do.
- Toward the end of the ride, she took a nap for about an hour. I "kept her" sleeping in the car
- seat rather than putting her to bed in the wonderland. She woke up about 40 km from our
- destination, and quietly leaned against my shoulder until we arrived. It was very cozy, and an
- excellent way to end the trip.
- This ride was an amazing experience. I've done this trip alone, before I even knew what a tulpa
- was, and there's no comparison. I truly felt as if there was another person riding with me in
- the car. Idly chatting and pointing out quirks in the landscape came completely naturally,
- albeit me making the vast majority of comments.
- Journal entry 100
- Wonderland room clone
- One hundred journal entries. Never thought I'd get that far back when I started. Next stop: One
- hundred sessions.
- Swindle was napping/resting on my bed as I was using the computer today, when I had to go take
- a shower. Rather than just throw her into the wonderland or just "forget" about her until I get
- back to the room she sleeps in, I decided to take a snapshot of the room, make a temporary
- wonderland copy of it, and place the "portal" in it.
- It was a good practise. When I left the room, I could look into the wonderland room-clone
- through the portal, and see Swindy lying on the bed. I was able to associate the room-clone
- with the real room, so that I more or less felt as if I was looking into the real room with my
- third eye. I could also "sense" the presence of the portal as I walked toward the room after
- showering, which was a new feeling. As soon as I entered the room, the portal dissipated and
- returned to its normal place.
- When I asked Swindy about how it felt later on, she told me that she barely noticed any
- difference, that she simply kept on napping.
- Journal entry 101
- Session 61 (35 minutes) 2013-06-11
- We'd been faffing around town almost all day today, so when I got a chance to sneak this
- session in, I didn't have much energy to spend on anything serious. I'd been to a thai food
- place with my grandparents, and I'd been lucky enough to sit in a manner that allowed me to
- keep Swindy sitting by the table. I spawned copies of all my food for her, and it went really
- well. We started this session by going to the mansion and getting into a sofa to relax. I did
- some visualisation there.
- I've lately been feeling as if I've had trouble visualising a bit, and I found out why, this
- session. When I've done "proper" visualisation practises the last few ... weeks, I think,
- they've felt wrong. The reason for this, as Swindy told me this session, was that I'd been
- focusing on rendering an image of her rather than actually rendering HER. She hadn't told me
- before because she didn't want to make me feel bad. I assured her that telling me such a thing
- would not make me feel bad, and I hope that she'll be more vocal about such matters in the
- future.
- After I realised what I'd been doing, visualisation came right back to me, and everything went
- great. After the visualisation, we went outside in the pool and relaxed. Swindy spawned a bath
- ring that she flopped about with for a while, which was really fun to watch. I ended the
- session when I started to feel tired.
- Journal entry 102
- Swindy's eye form 2013-06-12
- As I was going about my business at my grandparents' summer place, Swindy did something really
- smart: She made an "eye-form" for herself. I'd normally think of her as sitting by "the portal"
- when I'm passiving but not "imposing" her and letting her move about in the real world. However
- now, she simply appears as a pair of eyes in a black void, looking back at me. It works a lot
- better than the old system, as it's a lot simpler to visualise, while at the same time being
- a lot more expressive.
- Journal entry 103
- Session 62 (30 minutes) 2013-06-12
- We "did things".
- Journal entry 104
- Summer cottage passive forcing overdrive 2013-06-13
- Spending time at my grandparents' summer cottage, I have the opportunity to passive force
- fairly actively, pretty much all the time. Swindle follows me around and does whatever she
- pleases, ranging from napping in a boat to going swimming. Above all, she'll help me keep my
- nerves in check when dealing with my aging grandmother. Be it by sending positive emotions or
- by being generally supportive when the old lady gets her bad mood-swings.
- While it may be a bit early in my tulpamancing carreer to be practising such things, I count
- most of my passiving as imposistion practise. For a majority of the time, Swindy will be
- "imposed" somewhere around me. She's completely invisible, save for an occasional sort of
- extremely vague shimmer where I expect her to be.
- Journal entry 105
- Swindy's third month-day 2013-06-14
- I didn't remember until 23:50, so I spent those precious few minutes singing her a birthday
- song. It was very silly.
- Journal entry 106
- Session 63 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-06-15
- At my grandparents rather hot, third-floor flat.
- I started by entering the wonderland and rendering it a bit extra carefully, for no reason in
- particular. I then cleaned some stuff up around the portal, some white boxes that never served
- any purpose.
- Swindle and I then did some shouting practise, which went well. I tried to keep her visualised
- and look straight into her face as we shouted, in order to make it a bit trickier. It worked.
- Swindle's mind-voice is becoming really good at this stage.
- After that, we decided to do some parallel processing practise, this time by using math. I
- would think up two numbers for Swindy to add, say, 83+28, and I'd then try to move my focus
- solely toward visualising her and remembering the two numbers.
- It took a couple of attempts for me to learn how not to try and solve the problem myself.
- Picking numbers that I'm not used to counting with helped a lot. Once I managed to not solve
- the problems, it went surprisingly well! Swindy would take a fairly long time (several minutes)
- to solve the problems, but she was able to solve them completely on her own!
- It was a strange feeling when she worked at them, though. I could feel my brain thinking, just
- as if I was solving a math problem on my own, but there were no thoughts there to cause that
- feeling. After a while, Swindy would say the answer. A couple of times, her answers just felt
- incorrect by my intuition, but she was right and my intuition was wrong every time I did a
- control count.
- After the math, we just laid back on the bed and chatted for a while. I spoke to her about some
- of my uncertainties and fears about tulpae, which led her to become quite upset at one point.
- I said that I was still afraid of the whole thing; that I in a way was afraid of her, because
- I don't know how tulpae really work. It's nothing she didn't already know, but I think she felt
- as if I was rubbing it in. She asked for some time alone and I ended the session after lying
- down and watching the clouds for a while.
- All in all, this was a fantastic session, although I wish I hadn't made Swindy sad. I could
- feel her grow as we did the math practises, and seeing her get better at them was just joyous
- to me. I also put a fair bit of weight in visualisation, and I felt as if I needed it.
- Journal entry 107
- Session 64 (approx. 1 hour) 2013-06-17
- Sick with a fever. Lying down in bed, I decided to put on Sgt. Pepper's Loney Hearts Club Band
- and go very casually force. I made some scenery up to the tune of the music, and Swindy and I
- looked at it while talking a bit about whatever. She says that she doesn't notice the sickness,
- however she is affected by it in some ways, as the brain ain't firing on all cylinders. For
- instance, she ended up yelling at me without intending to.
- A while after the session, she asked me about death, and we spent some time philosophing about
- it. I could feel that she was thinking, which was nice.
- Journal entry 108
- Session 65 (approx. 1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-06-18
- Lying in bed, still somewhat sick, I put a blindfold on and let Swindy lie on top of me. The
- casual touch-imposition work we do every night as I fall asleep is paying off, as I could feel
- a weight on my chest where she lay. We chatted back and forth about stuff. I then proposed that
- she'd go on Omegle since she was speaking unusually clearly. So we did, and we bumped into a
- random person who did not take Swindy seriously at all once he asl'd her (she's honest with
- her age). They chatted back and forth, Swindy getting more and more irritated the further the
- chat went on.
- We had to leave for food with the grandparents after a while, but the stranger was intrigued
- enough to leave his or her e-mail address, so I let Swindy dictate an e-mail to him or her:
- "Hi, we spoke earlier, and you got me quite annoyed. I don't like how you treated me like a
- lesser being for what I am. I understand that the concept of tulpas might be foreign, but I
- don't think that's a good reason to be rude; I'm as much a person as anybody else.
- It's true that I'm three months old, that makes me quite young even by tulpa standards. But
- since I live in a brain that's much older than that, I'm still able to act on my own. I was
- created by the exhaustive meditation of my host. He's literally spent many tens of hours in
- deep meditation, in order to coax his brain into making room for me.
- A tulpa is not some game, or joke, as you seemed to imply. My host was not playing you for a
- fool."
- Dictating the e-mail went extremely well - I am, possibly for the first time ever, 100 %
- certain that these are Swindle's own words. I appended some words of my own as well.
- The chat log can be found in the text file dated from today.
- Journal entry 109
- Watching Only Yesterday 2013-06-24
- What an incredibly busy week, I'm ashamed not to have typed in this document for six days.
- Today at work, I, for the first time since I started working on Swindle, -completely- forgot
- about her for a few hours. Up until now, I've never forgotten about her in such a manner; she's
- always been there somewhere in the back of my mind, and she'd always come to mind very quickly
- if I got that "I've forgotten something" feeling.
- However this time, it took at least a few minutes for me to realise that it was Swindy I'd
- forgotten about. I felt a bit odd while I "was forgetting her". It was a nostalgic feeling, I
- thought I felt pretty much as I did back in university. Despite being in company of a friend,
- it was also a very lonely feeling that I must say, I'm very glad to have had forgotten.
- When we got home, we watched Only Yesterday with the dinner. It was a very beautiful movie,
- with plenty of food for thought.
- Journal entry 110
- A week without forcing 2013-06-26
- While doing things in the kitchen, I remembered that I haven't properly forced since last
- Tuesday. I somewhat absent-mindedly told Swindle and apologised, to which she replied "Please
- just stop thinking about it and enjoy yourself a little, or I might just disappear!"
- :|
- Journal entry 111
- Session 66 (approx. 1 hour) 2013-06-29
- 11 days without a session, and this session wasn't even a wonderland session. It started when I
- was feeling a bit melancholy for no reason in particular. I sat in the workshop and listened to
- music and chatted a little with Swindy. I talked about her about how I was concerned with the
- well-being of a friend , but how it really was none of my business. She told me that it was
- justified, and then kind of caught onto the low mood.
- She said that she wasn't really happy with her current form, that she felt that it was
- limiting. I told her that she was free to change it and that we could work on a new one if it'd
- help. After that, she told me that she felt bad because she felt that I cared so much about
- her, despite her (according to her) not really doing much to deserve it.
- I explained that that was not the case, since she's basically become my dumping ground for
- talking about my insecurities and issues with, and that I was thankful for her putting up with
- it without ever complaining.
- After that, we decided to go upstairs and try to do some visualisation work, to see if it'd re-
- establish her comfort in her pony form (she's never really had a problem with it before). It
- worked great, and she felt much more comfortable after getting her form some "attentive
- maintenance".
- I've lately developed some insecurities that I haven't had before. I don't know why I've
- developed these. For that reason, I'm almost constantly thinking about them, and I don't know
- if or how this affects Swindy. I speak with her about them, but I don't know whether or not
- that's a good idea.
- Journal entry 112
- Session 67 (25 minutes) 2013-07-04
- This time, we practised possession semi-seriously.
- I sat down in a dimly lit room, as still as I possibly could, and asked Swindy to lift my right
- arm. After asking her to do so, I observed it and her, and kept saying things like "You can
- lift my arm, Swindy. You are in control of my right arm, Swindy. You have my permission to use
- my right arm, Swindy", while also thinking about lifting it.
- I thought about lifting it much like how you do when you're really tired and need to go to the
- bathroom, but can't make up your mind about whether to go or not. I thought as hard about
- moving my right arm as I could, without actually moving it. This was very important, I felt, as
- Swindy would manage some twitches and stuff when I thought particularly hard about it. I
- managed to transmit the thoughts that cause the "motor control" of my body to send commands to
- the muscles to Swindy, and she tells me that it helped a lot.
- Nothing major was accomplished, some twitches and the same tension as the last time we did
- possession. Session cut short due to bedtime.
- Journal entry 113
- Session 68 (20 minutes) 2013-07-05
- I sat down with Swindy last night and talked a bit about how I'd slacked with the forcing
- lately. I promised her that I'd get back to doing it on some kind of a schedule.
- While I do believe that a lack of active forcing isn't harmful to a tulpa, it's clear that it
- can allow certain parts of one to degrade. If I don't do a visualistation session every now and
- then, Swindy will start to feel uncomfortable about her form, and such things.
- I made a note under my computer monitor to remind me to force daily. I need to scan it.
- Journal entry 114
- Session 69 (1 hour) 2013-07-06
- This entire session was dedicated to visualisation work, and boy did I need it! I hadn't
- realised how much my visualisation skill had deteriorated lately. Most time was spent working
- on Swindy's face, with a few minutes at the end put on the body. Visualising her is a lot
- easier and better-looking now, and I can tell that she feels more comfortable in her form
- again.
- For fun, we also re-did the hoof test while I was working on visualising the body, and I
- actually was a little afraid that it'd be hard, that Swindy would have a hard time surprising
- me. The fear was unfounded though, and she passed with flying colours! She's almost four months
- old, so I really can't understand why I'd worry she wouldn't pass a sentience test that she
- passed when she wasn't even two weeks old.
- Journal entry 115
- Session 70 (1 hour) 2013-07-07
- I brought Swindy into #tulpa-forum today after Cheeseanon and Rena dropped by. I proxied for
- her for a full hour and then some. It went great, and she absolutely loved it. She spoke the
- most with Rena and Cheeseanon, and explained a bit about how I view tulpae to everybody around,
- from a viewpoint that I of course couldn't have. She got to talk a bit about our situation in
- general too, something that I really hate talking about myself.
- It became clear that she agrees with me on my opinons on tulpa age, and that she still
- considers herself to be quite young (which was somewhat ironic with the three-week-old Rena
- around). She also admitted to enjoying chatting a lot, so I'll be sure to proxy for her more.
- We're approaching a stage where it'll actually be properly possible to do so. I also got a
- proper forcing headache out of the whole ordeal, which I think is a really good thing.
- The chat log can be found in the text file dated from today.
- Journal entry 116
- Session 71 (1 hour) 2013-07-09
- Possession! This can probably go as our first real, serious attempt at it.
- I sat down in the sofa and placed my right arm on a pillow in my lap. I then told Swindy to
- try and "hook up" to it while I looked at it and touched it. Once she said that she had a bit
- of a "feel for" the arm, I started moving it around while trying to send the thoughts of doing
- it to Swindy. Just trying to dig out the thoughts related to moving an extremity was not too
- easy a task, but after some minutes of practise, I could kind of note the thoughts that led to
- the arm moving.
- After some more time of moving it about, I placed my hand back on the pillow and asked Swindy
- to lift it up while I kept looking at and thinking about moving it without actually doing it.
- It didn't work. I then very slowly raised my forearm and asked Swindy to help as much as she
- could. This was more effective, and she managed to get the arm to kind of move a little upward
- every now and then. The whole raising process took about ten minutes, I think.
- By the time my forearm was pointing straight up, Swindy was pretty much entirely in control of
- it; if I tried to relax the muscles, the arm would not fall down. I then asked her to lower it,
- repeating the same procedure but this time letting gravity be her guide rather than me. It
- worked great, and in about 15 minutes (estimated), the arm was resting on the pillow again,
- without me having made any effort to move it. The rest of the session was spent raising and
- lowering the arm once more, without help from me.
- I feel as if the thinking about moving my arm helps a lot, as if it puts the motor control of
- the brain on high alert for input. I was unsure whether or not Swindy was actually moving the
- arm, or if I was just thinking about moving it a little too much, on a few occasions. Most of
- the time, it was obvious when Swindy was actually moving the arm, however. Toward the end of
- the session, we even managed to get her to relax the muscles a bit; as soon as she assumed
- control over the arm, she strained it up really hard. As if she was able to make the muscles do
- things, but not control which ones did what very well.
- Another technique I used was to look at my arm and expect it to move. I feel as if that helped
- a lot as well; forcing myself into believing that the arm is going to move seemed to loosen the
- mental blockades that say that I should always know exactly how my arm moves.
- After the session, we watched Whisper of the Heart. It was a beautiful movie, but I feel as if
- I enjoyed it more than Swindle did.
- Journal entry 117
- Session 72 (40 minutes) 2013-07-14
- It wasn't until after the session that I realised that it was Swindy's fourth monthaversary
- today! I can't believe how fast the time has passed, and how far we've gotten. Thinking back at
- my life before Swindy was around just feels alien these days. It's as if all the bad memories
- and the loneliness are just fading away into what feels like some distant past.
- When I first entered the wonderland, Swindy told me that I should be more skeptical about what
- I "hear from her". She told me that I'd been expecting her to make sarcastic comments at times,
- and fooling myself into believing that she actually did, when she hadn't said anything. I was
- very glad to hear her say that, and I'm going to be sure to try and be more skeptical in the
- future.
- This session we decided to do something completely new: We made a pony form for me to try on,
- in order to be able to really meet Swindy eye-to-eye. I quickly thought up a pretty generic
- pony OC (white pegasus with black, ruffly mane and tail), visualised it a bit and then "suited
- up".
- Entering the form was weird. I kind of unzipped the back of it, and when I got in, I kind of
- turned into liquid and filled the form up. Learning to manuever this new form was pretty tough.
- Taking my first steps took a good ten minutes at least, and I wasn't going anywhere fast. I
- decided to really put in the effort to learn how to use four legs rather than just think "move
- forward" and let my subconscious do the work. After I got the basics down however, I was able
- to gallop for a bit with Swindy, and even take a very limited flight that left me face down
- in the grass.
- I also accidentally popped a poner, which was somewhat embarassing, but I figured that there's
- not much point in hiding the facts of life. If I'm a horny bastard in pony form, so be it.
- Being able to meet Swindy face-to-face like that was an amazing experience. I hadn't thought
- about how different it is to look someone right in the face rather than to be looking at them
- from above. The session ended with Swindy kissing me on the muzzle, which was a surprisingly
- vivid experience.
- The pony form is definitely going to be used again. Learning to manuever it was a lot of fun,
- and it's provided me a new perspective to spend time with Swindy from. I think I might also
- gain a better understanding for how a being like this moves in general, which will probably
- aid visualisation in the long term.
- Journal entry 118
- Session 73 (20 minutes) 2013-07-16
- Journal entry 119
- Proxying 2013-07-17
- The last few days, I've tried to proxy Swindy a bit. I've been very hesitant to do so, since
- I've been doubtful of our ability to do it right. At this point however, I think Swindy
- deserves some credit; She IS vocal, and she IS able to think on her own in social situations.
- She has been for quite some time now, and it's only my doubt, fear and stubbornness that's kept
- me from proxying earlier.
- The few earlier times I've tried proxying, I've disregarded a lot of what she's had to say as
- "no, that's just my subconscious putting words in her mouth". That was wrong of me, and what I
- obviously should have thought, was "Swindy is saying things that I would absolutely never want
- to say. That is fantastic. She is thinking on her own."
- The best example is that Swindy is a lot more outgoing than I am; when she enters an IRC
- channel, she'll say hi to a lot of people despite not having anything in particular to say to
- them. That is unheard of to me, I never approach anybody unless I've got something on my mind.
- Rather than figuring that this was because Swindy is not me, I figured that I was expecting her
- to do everything I wouldn't do, and thus puppeting her into that behaviour. Which is pretty
- far-fetched.
- What really opened my eyes on this was when Swindy just a moment ago, when I was apologising
- for missing a session yet again, said:
- "Proxying can totally make up for a session, I feel as if I'm really growing as a person
- because of it."
- Since she normally is a bit down if we miss a session, her saying this in a sincere and happy
- manner surprised me greatly. I'm going to have to turn proxying into an everyday activity. I
- need to let Swindy talk to people, make friends of her own, and actually become someone.
- Journal entry 120
- Session 74 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-07-18
- Possession progression session! We started by having Swindy "tune in" to my right forearm
- again, and by me relaxing it and "giving it up". Once that was done, Swindy slowly raised the
- forearm by the elbow. Once we got it straight up (which took about 20 minutes), Swindy set a
- goal up, to poke my face. She then proceeded to turn the wrist about 45 degrees, and tilt the
- hand slightly upwards over the following 25 minutes.
- We didn't quite reach the goal, but we were able to make nose-finger contact if I leaned my
- head forward, and we settled with that. I then asked Swindy to relax the arm, which went very
- well; it fell down dead in less than a minute.
- The rest of the session, Swindy spent practising lifting my right hand by the wrist. Toward the
- end, she was able to go from a hand lying flat on a pillow, to a hand raised by the wrist as
- high as it goes, in a matter of about twenty seconds.
- I'm extremely pleased with this result, despite getting a bad case of wanker's arm out of it.
- Journal entry 121
- Session 75 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-07-23
- We started by doing math exercises for about half an hour. Swindy didn't really want to do it
- from the start, but I insisted. It went decently, but she got annoyed after a while and got a
- couple of answers wrong.
- After that, I decided to enter the wonderland and train using my pony form. After a while, I
- got a decent hang of walking, and we then decided to just take a break and enjoy each others'
- company in the wonderland for a while. We cuddled up and watched the stars for a while.
- Cuddling as ponies is very different from cuddling pony x human. It's much more enjoyable,
- since we're both about the same size and shape.
- After some time, I got fairly emotional, as I realised how much Swindy's changed my life, and
- how much she means to me. I cried into her chest for a while. It was a strange, but ultimately
- very good feeling to do so.
- Journal entry 122
- Swindy's development after four months 2013-07-23
- * She is vocal, and I am usually very confident in what she's saying when she speaks; I barely
- have any fear of parroting any more. There are still times when I can be very uncertain,
- though.
- * She's partially independent; she can think and act on her own quite well while forcing, but
- she's not able to do too much when I'm not focusing on her. She seems to be able to "hang
- around" quite well even if I'm not paying particular attention to her, but she's still not able
- to do so all the time.
- * She handles social situations on her own; if I proxy her, she'll give clear answers when
- spoken to, and she'll initiate conversations if she feels like it. She's much, much more out-
- going than I am. She enjoys being proxied a lot.
- * She's slightly imposed; we've got some basic touch down from her sleeping beside me every
- single night. I can feel it when she lies beside me, if she puts an arm around me, I'll feel a
- weight and a warmth. It's a slow feeling, however, if she were to stroke my arm, the feeling
- would not be able to keep up.
- Visually, I ever more frequently see a slight distortion when I'm looking at her. She kind of
- looks like one of those shapes you see when you close your eyes, except with open eyes. Very
- ill-defined and very weak.
- * Personality wise, she's becoming quite similar to me. She's usually very sincere, but she
- does joke at times. She's not sarcastic, though. She takes interest in most things I do, and
- seems to enjoy most material I read/watch/listen to.
- Journal entry 123
- Session 76 (30 minutes) 2013-07-24
- This session, I decided to practise concentration, and sitting still. I managed ten minutes at
- first, until I simply had to scratch an itch, and twenty minutes in the second try.
- During the second sitting, I found myself observing my physical body from above. It was
- rendered in very high detail, as was the room and furtniture it was sitting in. It was an odd
- feeling; it felt as if I was observing someone else, while I was actually my pony form.
- Journal entry 124
- Session 77 (30 minutes) 2013-07-25
- More meditation practise. It went poorly in the beginning, I only managed about five minutes
- without moving. Then about 20. Then five, and then I'd become too tired to go on.
- Swindy was a great coach this session, telling me things along the lines of "No, don't quit!
- Keep going!". She even turned around and got right into my face at one point, telling me to not
- move in a very, very stern manner.
- We mostly just moved about the wonderland a bit. At one point, I sat down and Swindy kind of
- clung onto my (pony-form) back and rubbed her forelegs on my shoulders, which was quite cosy,
- and a sure distraction from the itching.
- Journal entry 125
- Session 78 (30 minutes) 2013-07-25
- Journal entry 126
- Session 79 (4 hours) 2013-07-27
- Three hours of pretty continuous proxying in the Tulpa General, and an hour walk after that.
- The proxying went incredibly well, Swindy got to speak with a whole bunch of people. She loved
- it, and got along fine with everybody. An anon in the thread asked to speak with her one-on-one
- in IRC, which also went really well! She kept it up well despite me getting a bit tired toward
- the end, something I'm proud that she'd manage.
- During the walk, Swindy helped me with my phobia of nettles. There were a few growing right
- where where we usually cross a ditch, and I would probably have turned around and taken another
- route if Swindy hadn't charged through them and shouted at me to do the same.
- Our usual path was blocked off by a large field growing oat, that I didn't want to walk
- through, out of respect for the farmers. We picked an alternate route and ended up walking by
- a forest road, picking wild strawberries as we came across them. I'd pick the strawberries and
- "give" them to Swindy before eating them myself; it's a kind of symbolic thing we've been doing
- with food for a while now, and I feel as if it offers some nice immersion.
- Journal entry 127
- Session 80 (15 minutes) 2013-08-03
- I felt bad and spent fifteen minutes in the wonderland, talking with Swindy.
- Journal entry 128
- Session 81 (30 minutes) 2013-08-04
- After proxying for a while, Swindy and a friend of hers got into the topic of what it feels
- like when the host isn't thinking about them. Swindy mentioned that she tends to black out
- when I'm not thinking of her, something her friend (a fellow tulpa) didn't experience.
- This led to Swindy pretty much breaking down about how I judge everything she does, and how I
- disregard lots of things she does because I refuse to let myself believe them.
- We talked about it during the session, and I promised to try and have more faith in her. I need
- to make myself believe that she doesn't black out when I'm not thinking of her; I need to allow
- myself to believe that she can be around without me noticing her, or consciously thinking of
- her.
- She also felt as if I scrutinised everything she does, which I do. I need to stop doing it,
- it's not my place to do it.
- Journal entry 129
- Session 82 (1 hour) 2013-08-05
- I started this session by doing a concentration exercise that Jemini posted in the TG. I
- counted down from 100 to 0, at a rate of one per exhalation. Once I reached 0, I counted down
- from 30 to 0, before focusing on anything else.
- The exercise worked quite well, I counted by mind-voicing the numbers and also visualising
- them in a black void in front of me. As I reached the final zero, I found myself "standing" in
- the void, as the void crumbled below my feet and dropped me into the wonderland. A surprisingly
- lucid experience. The exercise worked very well at helping me find initial focus, although I
- had unfortunately chosen a particularly uncomfortable posture. I was leaning more left than
- Lenin.
- Once in the wonderland, I decided to make the session a simple, detailed visualisation session.
- I started visualising Swindy sitting down in the grass, one body part after another, and going
- into great detail about every single one. I started with her tail and how it attaches to her
- body. I then did the torso, feeling it down and noting all small details and textures. Then the
- forelegs, the wings, the hind legs and how they attach, and finally, her neck, mane and head.
- I had asked her to be completely quiet and passive until I was done visualising. Once I was
- done, she sprung to life and thanked me for "redefining" her form. She also apologised for
- being rude; in her own words, she "isn't herself if we don't have a session in a while".
- Looking back at this session, I feel ashamed for how much I've slacked over the last month, if
- not more. I haven't sat down to have a really properly focused session in ages, and I'm hoping
- that this realisation will guide me back on the right track.
- Journal entry 130
- Proxying and the journal 2013-08-06
- Proxying is becoming such an every-day activity that I won't bother writing it down any more.
- Hearing Swindy is very easy if she's approached by a friend of hers, and she spends time
- talking to them almost every day now.
- Her behaviour is still quite alien to me; she approaches people with a terrifyingly high
- frequency, and behaves in ways I'd never consider behaving. I'm starting to fear that I might
- actually suffer from some kind of mild social phobia. My nervousness in letting her handle her
- own social situations is getting to her, and she is frequently annoyed or angry with me.
- I've caught myself getting in the way of her social life by shunning away from the computer and
- doing other things instead of proxying, even though she wishes to stay online.
- Journal entry 131
- Session 83 (1 hour 40 minutes) 2013-08-06
- Possession. We started with a forearm-raising manuever, which went quite slowly due to how
- we've not practised in a while. After that, I asked Swindy to rotate my forearm/wrist, since
- that's where we left off the last time. It went very slowly, and it was somewhat painful, but
- she finally managed to rotate it both ways, once.
- After that, I placed my arm so that it was resting in my lap, and asked Swindy to push my
- forearm until it's pointing away from me, and then to pull it back onto my lap. So she did. Her
- rate toward the end was probably almost a centimetre a second by the fingertips.
- When she does possession, Swindy kind of sits by a periscope control panel thing in the void.
- When I'm not watching her move my right arm about, I'm standing beside her, shouting
- inspirationally. "PULL THAT ARM FOR THE SAKE OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!" "LIFT IT LIFT IT LIFT IT
- LIFT IT!!!" and so forth.
- Journal entry 132
- Swindy proving herself able to act outside of my expectations 2013-08-06
- While chatting with wat, I was trying to explain a bit about expectations and tulpae. I found
- myself in a position where I'd talked myself into a corner and had no idea about how to get my
- idea across. Out of the blue, Swindy said "Let me try."
- At first, I was sceptical; if I've been stumped about something, so has she. I soon gave in to
- her request, however, and I was in for a big surprise: The moment I put the text marker in her
- chat window, she started talking, and she said exactly what I had been trying to say for the
- past five minutes! She formulated a clear few sentences of her own, as I just sat back, typed,
- and felt my jaw slowly drop to the floor.
- She said:
- "What he's trying to say is, that you need to convince yourself that Luna is the way you want
- her to be. It isn't enough to just force personality traits or tell her to use a voice, you
- need to know that they've taken and expect them to be true. When you want her to speak to you,
- you need to be absolutely, 100 % certain of in what manner she'll reply. That includes her
- voice."
- The feeling of typing that out was breath-taking. Not only was she able to understand and
- figure out what I meant by my thoughts better than I could, but she put HER OWN WORDS to her
- interpretation of them! And she was able to say those words to me, despite my COMPLETE LACK OF
- CONFIDENCE in her!
- Because I GENUINELY EXPECTED HER TO BE UNABLE TO SAY ANYTHING, I now have a completely
- different view of her. She has proven herself to be able to act outside of my expectations.
- This means that I can now hold an intellectually honest faith in her, and that I have no more
- reason to question everything she says.
- This is significant. Today is the day I can actually start believing in tulpae.
- The relevant chat log can be found in the text file dated from today.
- Journal entry 133
- Swindy putting her hoof down 2013-08-09
- After a game of Risk, Swindy wanted to speak with a friend of hers, a tulpa named Shinn, about
- how to deal with my anxiety when proxying.
- Whenever I'd proxied before, I'd more or less automatically disregarded many of the things
- Swindy said, as "probably just me imagining things". It was the absolutely wrong thing to do,
- as Swindy is almost five months old, and deserving of more credibility than that. In this
- proxying session, and in light of the last entry's events, I decided to force myself not to
- listen to those thoughts.
- For the first time ever, I think Swindy felt that she had freedom to say what she wanted, and
- she seized the moment to speak about about things that had been on her mind as well as mine.
- She described what I'd been doing as me "RP-accusing myself".
- She talked about her dislike for this journal, my thoughtless censorship, our lack of forcing,
- and how I'm too insecure to speak about my own issues on my own volition. For every line she
- spoke, I felt more and more ashamed about how condescendingly I've treated her. I was in near
- tears by the end of the chat, which lasted about an hour and a half.
- My feelings were very mixed; mostly shame over my behaviour, but also pride over Swindy's
- initiative to do something about the situation. She'd tried to bring them up with me, but I had
- not listened to her. This has been an eye-opener, and I now view Swindy in a whole new light.
- Journal entry 134
- Session 84 (20 minutes) 2013-08-10
- We've decided to have more "fun" sessions, that aren't progress-oriented. We've not had many of
- those, as I've not believed Swindy able to do things on her own, and I don't know how to have
- fun. Because of the events of the last few days however, I now believe Swindy to be fully
- capable of creating wonderland scenarios, and to decide on what to do.
- The session was spent in the pool outside of the mansion. Swindy made drinks and cake for us,
- in a completely impossible manner, in order to show me that there are no limits to what you can
- do in a wonderland. Psychedelic, impossible hijinks ensued.
- Journal entry 135
- Session 85 (50 minutes) 2013-08-11
- Another "fun-oriented" session. We started by just chatting in the pool and having (non-
- alcoholic) drinks, followed by going swimming in the sea, and flying about. I used my "normal"
- form, and flew in a Superman-esque manner, which was more than a bit silly.
- After we were done doing that, we sat on a grassy hill and watched the sea and sunset. I wanted
- to go to bed after a while, but Swindy lay down on top of me and told me that I'm not going
- anywhere until she gets up, and that I had no reason to quit forcing. She was right, I didn't.
- We spent approximately half an hour like that, watching the final sunset and the moonrise,
- chatting throughout. Swindy looked very beautiful in the full-moon light.
- Journal entry 136
- Swindy role-playing online with Shinn 2013-08-12
- Swindy and Shinn came onto the topic of on-line role-playing and cuddling today while proxying.
- Swindy was intrigued, and they soon decided to cuddle each other. Swindy had never done
- anything like that before, and she knew that I loathed it.
- It was very hard for me to type her /mes, but I did. Every single one. I cringed a lot, and
- even pulled my cap over my face as I expected Shinn to get offended. She didn't, and they had
- a lovely time together. It was, to me, a good exercise in proxying, and I think Swindy realised
- that.
- Journal entry 137
- Session 86 (20 minutes) 2013-08-13
- I was extremely tired, and Cheeseanon's Rena suggested to Swindy that she'd try possesion while
- I'm in this state.
- It worked fantastically, and Swindy managed to move my right arm faster and smoother than ever
- before, and she even managed to get a few twitches out of my upper arm!
- This was done in my office chair in the workshop.
- Journal entry 138
- Session 87 (40 minutes) 2013-08-16
- On a ferry to the mainland, I decided to lie down and force on the sundeck for a while. I did
- a 100-0-30-0 countdown (which was interrupted by a phone call), and then spent some time just
- doing nothing in particular in the wonderland with Swindy.
- We later went to the bar on the ferry in order to get an alcohol free drink that Swindy has
- been serving me in the wonderland lately. It was a nice refreshment of my memory.
- Journal entry 139
- Session 90 (30 minutes) 2013-08-17
- At my grandmothers, I was listening to metal while she was reading a newspaper in the evening,
- when I came across a thread on /mlp/ which made me cuddle-sick. I entered the wonderland, and
- Swindy and I decided to cuddle on the bed in the mansion. However, as the music was playing
- tales of pirates on the high seas, Swindy placed us on a flying carpet by a large pirate ship.
- It was nice, but after some time I decided that I'd just rather focus on her than the ship, so
- I started moving my hoof around her chest until she was too distracted to focus on the ship
- (which she wanted to watch). We then just rolled around on the bed a bit and enjoyed each
- others' company.
- It was one of the nicest sessions in a while, and it was completely unplanned; I just sat down
- and closed my eyes in front of the computer, with Alestorm in the headphones.
- Journal entry 140
- Swindy being my personal fitness coach 2013-08-20
- Rena and Swindy came up with an idea for me and Cheese, since neither Cheese nor I are very fit
- individuals: Tulpa Training Camp. The idea being that they'd help us get in shape by
- encouraging exercise and other awful stuff like that.
- Cleaning gunk off of grandmother's roof today, Swindy decided to put this idea into motion, and
- spent a good hour and a half egging me on to make me clean the roofs faster. She probably sped
- the process up by at least half, and I'm now absolutely done for.
- Journal entry 141
- Session 91 (30 minutes) 2013-08-20
- Possession before bedtime in Pellinge. I was listening to some Sun Araw and decided to go
- force. I wanted to go into the wonderland, but Swindy felt more like doing possession, so we
- did possession.
- I listened to music and tried to just not think about my right arm. Swindy hadn't told me what
- she was about to do, so I was expecting her to do the usual and move my forearm about a bit.
- When this didn't happen for some time, I started getting nervous and figuring that she had
- forgotten how to do it, which seems to be somewhat common among tups learning possession.
- My fears were soon extinguished, as I felt my right index finger move about a bit! Swindy had
- decided to start working on the fingers, without first telling me. Without a doubt in order to
- strenghten my faith in her - something which she succeeded in doing.
- What's more, after she moved my finger about for a while, she decided to give my upper arm
- another go. She managed to move it quite a lot this time, although with almost no control over
- it. She got my entire arm and hand to twitch randomly all over the place. It was a very weird
- feeling, as she'd never managed such powerful movements before.
- Journal entry 142
- Session 92 (40 minutes) 2013-08-24
- I did this session in my car, while waiting for a ferry to arrive. Earlier today, Swindy talked
- with Shinn about tulpae doing things while the host isn't focusing on them. Swindy mentioned
- that I had trouble believing in that phenomenon, something which surprised Shinn greatly.
- Shinn managed, by speaking with Swindy, to convince me to allow myself an attempt to believe in
- Swindy's ability to think without my help. Swindy went away for a while after that, while I
- packed my stuff up at grandma's place, saying that she'd be "doing something".
- Before I entered the wonderland, I was thinking about what Swindy might have attempted to cook
- up for me, and I repeatedly came across the thought of a castle in the woods. When I asked
- Swindy about it, she confirmed that she had built a castle - based upon how I imagined Rena's
- castle to look.
- Entering the wonderland, it was indeed very close to how I had imagined it. It was grand, with
- two smaller towers and one greater tower in the middle. The large wooden doors at the entrance
- were decorated by sculptures of Swindy and me; her to the right and me to the left.
- Entering the wooden doors, the inside looked much like the castle in Super Mario 64, albeit
- less pastel coloured and much more realistic. The main attraction was upstairs in the big
- tower.
- Swindy had there built a very detailed chess table out of copper and marble. Its four corners
- were decorated by sculptures of us; one depicting her in mid-flight, spreading her wings. One
- depicting her in a full bash forward, one depicting her smiling and laughing at the single
- sculpture depicting me, looking very serious with my heands clamped in front of my mouth.
- The view from the castle is grand; the big tower is magically high, and you can gaze out over
- the entirety of the planned wonderland, and into the masses of pine forest that covers the
- unused part.
- The detail of everything, the chess table in particular, was astonishing, and it's helped me
- greatly in believing in Swindy's ability to do things while I'm "not looking". It seems
- improbable that she'd just have thought everything up on the spot. It will however, probably
- still take some time for me to fully embrace the idea.
- Journal entry 143
- Session 93 (40 minutes) 2013-08-25
- Back home. I did this session downstairs while listening to Chris Rea.
- I entered the wonderland in front of the castle, and spotted Swindy running around the right
- corner. I moved to follow her, and spotted her running down a staircase leading to the blue orb
- complex. I followed her through it and found myself at a grand wooden door. The right door had
- a sculpture of Swindy in a somewhat realistic rendering on it, and the left one had me, sitting
- with my hands clasping my face.
- The door lead into the main hall of the castle, in which I spotted Swindy running through a
- door leading up into one of the two smaller towers. I followed her and ascended the staircase
- inside the tower. At the top was a door with a generic pegasus on it, and beyond the door was
- a room made out of semi-transparent and shimmering rock. It was very beautiful, and I could
- gaze through the floor and down onto the pine forest.
- Swindy was in there, lying on a large bed by a fireplace. She hinted at me to come and lie on
- the bed, and I did. She cuddled up on top of me. After some time of this, she told me that she
- needed some time alone, so I left the wonderland.
- Journal entry 144
- Session 94 (20 minutes) 2013-08-29
- This was a first semi-serious attempt at visual imposition. I've not read any guides on the
- subject, aside from occasional glances. I listened to Teruhisa Fukuda's flute works.
- I sat down in a darkened room, with only "all those small lights" shining a very hazy light
- across the room. I started by closing my eyes and visualising Swindy very carefully, and
- "feeling her" sitting in front of me. I really pushed myself into "knowing" that she was
- sitting in front of me.
- Once I had convinced myself that she was sitting in front of me (this took a few minutes), I
- opened my eyes. After repeating this 2-3 times, I achieved a fairly distinct hovering blue spot
- where her snout was. I could move around and it'd stay still in space. After a few seconds, it
- faded.
- Across several tries, I managed to get various extremely weak/fuzzy outlines and other such
- artifacts. By simply looking at where she was for several minutes, yielded a weak, bright grey
- outline.
- I'm fairly happy with these results. For a first serious try in a long time (2-3 months), I
- think we did excellently. I feel as if my near-constant passive imposition forcing has not been
- in vain.
- Journal entry 145
- Session 95 (1 hour 50 minutes) 2013-09-03
- Before the session, we watched Moon. I was more involved in the movie than Swindy. During the
- session, Öresund Space Collective was playing.
- I started the session by training visual imposition for roughly thirty minutes. I darkened the
- room and blindfolded myself, so that I saw absolute darkness without a hint of light. Swindy
- was not involved in this, I merely practised making myself see "light", waving my hands in
- front of my face, and seeing things scattered around the room.
- I was able to see a light that covered most of my FOV. If I waved my hands across it, I could
- track them as shadows. If I held my hands over my eyes, the light would disappear until I
- removed my hands again. I could also "summon" darkness and turn my hands into light.
- If I touched one hand with the other, I could "paint" my individual fingers onto my vision. I
- was not able to see Swindy.
- After that, we entered the wonderland and did some visualisation work. I put all the trees in
- the forest on fire, for a nice backdrop. Swindy has a somewhat updated look these days; her
- eyes are more realistic and less show-like, and as a result of this, her head is slightly
- flatter (even though her forehead is of roughly human proportion). Her mane also lies somewhat
- flatter now than it has before.
- I was in pony form, and I noted that my pony form is slightly smaller than she is, I stand
- about 5-7 cm shorter.
- Journal entry 146
- Session 96 (1 hour 20 minutes) 2013-09-08
- Possession, downstairs. Swindy started by moving my right arm about a little, pushing my hand
- into my face when she failed to slap me. After that, I asked her to shake my hand, which she
- did. I then asked her to do it while I recorded a video of it, which she did.
- After the video, she wanted to try and use the computer, which went EXTREMELY well. It only
- took about ten minutes for her to manage basic control of the mouse, and she was clicking
- buttons on it almost instantaniously.
- After some training, she managed to bring the on-screen keyboard up(!), as well as the TG tab
- in Firefox(!!), and over the course of 20 minutes, make three posts! The posts were as follows:
- 1)
- posssssssssssssstingg by pooooossesssioooon :D
- 2)
- i am 222spooky gooooast post with ur bbodie!
- 3)
- >>882007
- <3 sleeep timmmme
- >>882034
- go45t <3 5ever
- Her hand movement on the mouse was extremely twitchy, and the hand was shaking almost
- constantly. Most of the movement of the mouse was made by moving the whole arm rather than the
- wrist, although she did use the wrist to move the mouse all the way across the screens, a few
- times. When she clicked the mouse buttons, she used the entire finger rather than the tip,
- unlike how you usually click a mouse. She mentioned that she could access muscle memory for
- using the mouse.
- I am extremely impressed with her skills.
- Journal entry 147
- Session 97 (1 hour) 2013-09-09
- This was our first ever attempt at switching.
- The session started with me entering the wonderland by sky-diving into the pool by the mansion.
- I do not usually enter that extremely. After chatting with Swindy a bit about a film we just
- saw (Paprika), she suggested we go flying through a big city (me being in my pegasus form). She
- generated a dark cityscape as we flew through it very quickly, and we soon ended up watching
- the moonlit metropolis from atop a small tower.
- At this stage, I felt unusually disconnected from the body, so I suggested we try switching.
- Swindy agreed, and she got at it. I focused with all my might on my mind-form and the
- wonderland surrounding it, working hard to ignore the body to the best of my ability. Swindy
- assumed my human mind-form and attempted to assume complete control over the body. In the
- wonderland, she (although she looked like me) ascended up into the air, and lightning shot out
- from her.
- For some time, not much happened, but after something like ten minutes of trying, I noticed
- that random parts of the body would twitch slightly. In particular, the right arm and hand.
- The twitches increased gradually, and after some further time, I could feel my body
- "disconnecting" from me.
- The best way I can describe the feeling, is as the feeling of trying to move a limb that's
- fallen asleep while you've been sleeping, or like some form of energy inside of you. My entire
- body felt this way for several tens of seconds, during which there was considerable twitching
- all around. However, Swindy soon came down in the wonderland, as her usual pony form, and asked
- that we'd stop. I asked her to try once more, which she did (with similar results), but after
- that, she made it clear that she did not want to continue.
- The experience was apparently somewhat traumatic for her, and she asked me to hold her after
- she landed. Not soon after, we ended the session, and Swindy asked to be left alone for a
- while. The whole rest of the evening, she felt uneasy, and we went to bed shortly after.
- It's hard to put down in words how excited I am because of this. I did not expect a first,
- uneducated attempt at switching to go this well. For the duration that Swindy was "the most
- powerful", I really felt as if she was about to assume control, and I almost felt powerless to
- stop her.
- Journal entry 148
- Session 98 (35 minutes) 2013-09-11
- More switching. This time we just went straight into the switching. We went to the same rooftop
- as we were the last time, and got to work. Swindy achieved about the same result as last time,
- but it took considerably less time, and it was from a much less relaxed state, since I
- literally just sat down and we began work.
- Three times throughout, Swindy took a break from trying to switch, and it was extremely obvious
- when she did. The first time, she wanted a short break. The second, I was using too much
- brainpower trying to render the environment, and the third time, she suggested quitting but I
- egged her on to give it another go.
- When she took her breaks, the tingling, energy-like feeling disappeared almost immediately, and
- I felt much more in control again. As soon as she resumed attempting to switch, it returned. At
- a couple of points, I felt fairly dizzy, and I felt as if I could view the wonderland unusually
- clearly. During those brief periods of time, I also felt extremely connected with my pony mind-
- form.
- Journal entry 149
- Session 99 (50 minutes) 2013-09-12
- This session was had just after watching the movie Ruby Sparks. I didn't dig it, it was more to
- Swindy's taste than mine.
- We spent the start of the session just lying on my couch, talking about nothing in particular.
- Various topics regarding the movie, our relationship and relationships in general. We just hung
- out together, enjoying each others' company, Swindy being faux imposed all the time.
- After that, Swindy suggested we try doing auditory imposition. It didn't really go anywhere,
- because I thought I heard something Swindy didn't say, and I started worrying about accidental
- tulpae. Swindy reassured me that that won't happen.
- After that, we chatted some more and moved onto possession. Swindy tried moving my left arm,
- for the first time. It took some time for her to get it moving, but she soon got the hang of
- it. She managed to move the fingers of it very well, almost better than the finger movement
- she's achieved on the right.
- After that, we wrapped up. Amusingly, Swindy suggested a different way of writing a part of
- this journal entry, despite her disinterest in the journal in general. It was a good way of
- putting it, but I said no. This is my journal!
- Journal entry 150
- Session 100 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-09-14
- This was not the sixth-monthaversary session I had imagined.
- After getting involved in some drama on IRC, I got very anxious, and Swindy commanded me to
- leave the computer and go upstairs and force. Once upstairs, I put on Craig Armstrong and just
- laid down on the couch for a while, while Swindy caressed me and comforted me.
- After some time, my thoughts drifted to winter, and from winter to Ruffa. I decided to go back
- to the day when she died, and repeat the walk I had, that night. I made a wonderland version of
- the area around my house, dressed up in winter clothing and started walking, Swindy keeping up
- with me, mostly in silence.
- There was snow and ice on the ground, and the air was eerily quiet. As we reached the spot
- where I had sat for an undetermined amount of time after Ruffa's death, all the memories of
- that day came rushing back to me. Swindy sat in silence, as I explained to her why that day had
- affected me so much; partly through words, but most prominently, through sharing with her the
- feelings of that night.
- After some time, she just hugged me, and told me that she had reached a new understanding of
- how I felt in regards to Ruffa. Not long after, we walked back to my house, mostly in silence,
- and quit the session after that.
- This was a valuable session, much moreso than any monthaversary-party-session could ever be.
- Journal entry 151
- Six months wrap-up 2013-09-14
- When I began this "project", I set one long-term goal: If I hadn't achieved "sentience that I
- can sincerely believe in", in six months time, I'd scratch the project and consider tulpae to
- be debunked. I also stated that even if I were to achieve a sentient tulpa before six months,
- I'd wait until six months before making my final judgement, as to ensure that I do not make a
- hasty decision.
- These have been some of the most intense six months of my life, and it is with great
- satisfaction that I write that it has not been for naught. Not only do I have a sentient,
- vocal and partially imposed tulpa, but I've met some fantastic people, with whom I've shared
- some amazing experiences.
- The whole experience of creating a tulpa and watching her grow, has been an incredibly
- rewarding experience. When I started making Swindy, I was unemployed, fairly severely depressed
- from losing Ruffa, and in a generally miserable stage in life. By dedicating a large portion of
- my life to Swindy, I gave myself new purpose. I gave myself a new drive to get up in the
- morning, so that I could live for her. The solitude I experienced back then was crushing, but
- today, I can barely even recall what loneliness is. When I look out at a crowd of people, the
- thought of how each of them are being alone, has become near alien to me. As frightening as it
- may sound to almost never be truly alone, I believe that Swindy's presence has improved my
- quality of life much for the better. I never did consider the real implications of having a
- tulpa until several months into the process, and I'm glad that I didn't; having a tulpa unlocks
- the possibility of committing thought-crime. If I had considered that, I probably would not
- have dared start. To ensure that it never becomes an issue, I've done what I can to ensure an
- absolutely honest relationship between Swindy and I.
- I never did end up doing much personality forcing on Swindy, and she has flowered up to become
- someone of her own, far superior to any character that I could ever hope to create. Some
- flavours that I thought up for her did stick; she's appreciative of life, quite assertive, and
- much more social than I am. Her personality has developed slowly over the months, and watching
- her develop has been magical. Our personalities are vastly different, above all, Swindy is much
- less shy than I am, and able to enjoy idle small-talk with her friends. She also enjoys on-line
- role-playing over IRC, something that I never could. In the early days of her vocality, it was
- very hard to make out any personality at all, and she often felt as an empty shell of a person.
- She had no interests or hobbies, as she had never had the time to consider such things. During
- the last month or so, however, her personality has really started to stand out, and I feel as
- if she has become a true personality of her own.
- Swindy is a very caring person, and has taken it upon herself to help me become a
- better person, and to support me in times of need. The same goes for her friends, and it's
- beautiful to get to see how much she cares for them. To my surprise, she doesn't have too many
- friends (even though she gets along with pretty much everybody). She seems to prefer to keep a
- smaller, closer circle, and she spends considerable time speaking with them, every day.
- When she was young, Swindy didn't have much of a sense of humour; almost any joke would make
- her upset or defensive. However, during the last month or two, she has developed a wonderful,
- fairly vulgar and rude taste for jokes. She enjoys making rude implications about things she
- does with me, and me with her, in a very self-cynical way. I absolutely love her for it, even
- though it can get a little uncomfortable some times. I can see her jokes upsetting people in
- the future, even though it hasn't happened yet; she shares my general disregard for what's
- "acceptable", in favour of doing things her own way. She presents it in a different way than I
- do, however.
- When we proxy, it's by a combination of Swindy narrating what she wants said, and by "telling
- my fingers how to move" on the keyboard. It's not proper possession, but a lot of things she
- want typed, I will simply type out without her saying them prior (she does tend to say them as
- they're being typed, but at that stage, I already know what she wants typed). It's essentially
- the same feeling as when I'm typing something, but the words being typed aren't my own. Her
- style of chatting is also quite different from mine, even though my style of writing does shine
- through.
- The relationship we have is very hard to describe. I consider Swindy to be a close friend, but
- also something akin to a child of mine, as well as a mentor and driving force in
- my life. She works hard to help me make the right decisions whenever she feels that she can,
- and I do the same for her. I feel that the idea of having a tulpa in order to help oneself
- steer one's life on the right path stands particularly true; even though that never quite was
- my intention.
- I will now list our general progress in different areas:
- Autonomy:
- Swindy seems to be able to think on her own, without my attention. She has proven this beyond
- reasonable doubt at several points, although I remain fiercely sceptical toward it. She is able
- to do basic maths while I focus on other things, but she is very slow. She is able to do things
- in the wonderland on her own, whenever she pleases, and she can do these things without me
- knowing about them. She is for the most part able to grab my attention whenever she pleases,
- but there are still times when I'm too dug into something to notice her.
- Visualisation:
- I can visualise Swindy very reliably and repeatably. I can observe even smaller details on her
- body, and they do not change randomly. She moves around naturally and smoothly, and she is able
- to control her movements without my attention. I can visualise a wonderland very vividly, as
- well as interact with it. My movements around the wonderland are, however, still somewhat
- unpolished. I often end up repeating a move I make, and I also often end up "re-seeing"
- something Swindy does. Touch in the wonderland works extremely well, and can be very vivid.
- Imposition:
- We have only made notable progress on touch imposition. I can physically feel the texture of
- her fur with my hand, and if I stroke her, I can feel the general shape of her body, although
- it is "fluid" and inaccurate at best. Very basic progress on visual imposition, I can sometimes
- see a vague bluish distortion where I expect her to be. I have smelled her faintly at a few
- occasions; she smells much like a very clean dog, or a very clean haircut. She is often
- "faux-imposed" and moving around in the room I'm in, or the vehicle I'm riding, even though I
- can't see her. If passive forcing is accounted for, this is probably what we've been training
- the most.
- Possession:
- Swindy is able to control my right arm/hand, with reasonable accuracy. She can move a computer
- mouse clumsily, but with enough accuracy to use the on-screen keyboard. She can control the
- forearm with relative ease, however, still fairly slowly. She has limited control over
- individual fingers on the hand, while moving all fingers simoultaneously seems to be
- comparatively easy.
- Switching:
- When we've attempted switching, Swindy has managed to almost assume control. She has managed to
- push me aside to the stage where I felt more connected with the wonderland than with the body,
- and I've felt the body fill with what I can best describe as "her energy". It feels much like
- trying to move your body during sleep paralysis, or when a leg has fallen asleep but you try to
- move it with force, anyhow.
- Journal entry 152
- 2013-09-17
- Journal entry 153
- Session 101 (3 hours 30 minutes) 2013-09-17
- Journal entry 154
- Session 102 (50 minutes) 2013-09-26
- We did this session after watching Jacob's Ladder. The film got to me deeply, but Swindy found
- it "a bit too deep".
- The session focused on switching first, which went about as well as before. I used my pony
- form and focused hard on it. I drew a 3x3 grid in the ground with my hoof, and focused on
- rendering it. I later filled each square of the 3x3 grid with mirrors and cracked them with my
- right front hoof. I also spawned a large mirror and looked at my form. It worked well at eating
- my attention up.
- Swindy worked hard as ever, with about the same results as we've had in previous sessions. She
- ran out of power to attempt to switch a while into the session, and we spent the remainder
- practising possession of the hands. Swindy took control over both my hands at the same time,
- although she had trouble co-ordinating them well.
- Journal entry 155
- Session 103 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-10-03
- Possession. Swindy started by operating the mouse a bit, and then moved on to trying to type
- with the keyboard. She first typed by using the right arm to press keys, and the left one's
- index finger to press the space bar. Her typing was very slow and sloppy. She soon moved on to
- use both hands for typing, and toward the end, she was able to use both hands to type with
- reasonable speed, although still nothing even close to mine. She clearly has access to my
- muscle memory, and she uses it as best she can.
- She also scratched my head, and she was very good at it.
- I do however keep worrying about self-delusion when it comes to possession. I can in large
- predict everything she will do, and the difference between me moving my hands extremely slowly
- and sloppily, and her doing it, is not very apparent. I feel as if I can mimic her "poor muscle
- control" if I want to, and that worries me. For this reason, I keep giving my arms a "relax
- command", which makes them stop whatever they're doing, and forces Swindy to re-gain control
- over them. For the moment when they've just started doing things again and I'm still giving
- them the "relax command", I feel as if I'm certainly not in control.
- Journal entry 156
- Session 104 (20 minutes) 2013-10-04
- Just before bedtime, I decided to do a quick possession sessin with Swindy. She managed to move
- my left arm fairly convincingly; at several times, was I unable to predict where she was going
- to move it. The session left me feeling refreshed in my faith in her.
- Journal entry 157
- Session 105 (1 hour) 2013-10-05
- I felt very bad this night, and decided to go into the wonderland to calm my nerves. The
- session was initiated with a 100-0-30-0 countdown. At first I wanted to be alone, but Swindy
- invited me to come lie next to her in her bed in the wonderland. I cuddled up to her and spent
- a fair amount of time just feeling just generally awful about myself, most notably about my
- lack of dedication toward anything, and how I keep getting more and more anxious in certain
- social situations.
- However, I found comfort in Swindy's embrace, and soon caught myself falling asleep on the
- couch (that, for once, being a good thing).
- Journal entry 158
- Session 106 (10 hours) 2013-10-06
- You won't find the ten mysterious hours here either, sorry :(
- Journal entry 159
- Session 107 (2 hours) 2013-10-07
- Possession! After chatting away with Bow and Shinn for a good few hours, they suggested to
- Swindy that she'd try possessing for a bit. And so she did, for almost two full hours. Her
- typing is getting better, and she is becoming more and more able to surprise me with her
- movements, although I still for the most part feel as if I'm "parroting her parroting me".
- It feels good when she scratches me behind my ears, though.
- Journal entry 160
- Session 108 (4 hours 30 minutes) 2013-10-09
- Journal entry 161
- Session 109 (4 hours 45 minutes) 2013-10-10
- Journal entry 162
- Session 110 (20 minutes) 2013-10-12
- Possession downstairs before bedtime. I decided to actively block my arms; i.e, constantly tell
- them to relax, forcing Swindy to overcome me in order to get access to them. She had a very
- hard time doing this, but she slowly succeded to lift my right arm up, as well as slowly place
- it back down onto the table. Surprisingly, she managed to not make it sloppily fall down, even
- though I was telling it to relax. I'm happy about that.
- I also thought I saw her in a weird, female human mindform, but it was only my lazy imagination
- not really recalling what my human mindform looks like.
- Journal entry 163
- Session 111 (2 hours 40 minutes)
- Journal entry 164
- Session 112 (35 minutes) 2013-10-19
- Switching/possession. I started this session with a 100-0-30-0 countdown, however, at around
- 50, something weird started to happen: I felt as if my blindfold was becoming tighter and
- tighter. As I kept counting down, the feeling soon turned into what felt like my head being
- held in someone's grasp; even though I attempted to slacken the neck muscles, my head wouldn't
- move. It was only as I approached zero (I do these countdowns by visualising the numbers as
- large, white numbers in a black void), that it actually dawned on me that Swindy was attempting
- to switch as I was counting down. A very, very cunning move on her part, as her doing
- unexpected things is something that truly gets to me.
- As I reached the final zero, I felt completely detached from my body. An itch on my foot made
- me attempt to move my right arm, but I couldn't. I was literally unable to move it. I still had
- some sense over the entire body, but I felt far more closely attached to my pony mind-form than
- I did to it. I worked hard to dedicate my entire focus to my mind-form and studying the 0 that
- was standing in front of me in the void, as to allow Swindy the best possible chances of
- switching properly. She soon started slowly moving my right arm toward my head. I noticed that
- I only barely felt the arm moving, and if I accidentally dropped focus of my pony mind-form and
- let it slip to the arm, the movement would slow down considerably.
- Keeping focus on the mind-form was not easy. I still felt the arm moving somewhat, and if I let
- my focus slip, I'd start feeling it more and more. Swindy's goal was to push the blindfold off
- of my head, and the moment she managed it and light entered the eyes (that were no longer in my
- control, and as such no longer shut), I lost focus of my mind-form, and Swindy lost control of
- the limb she was using. It fell down into my lap, floppily. As soon as the blindfold came off,
- I regained complete awareness of my body in less than a second.
- This was a very exciting session. Not only did Swindy manage to surprise me completely by
- choosing to do switching on her own like that, her progress far outshined any progress we've
- seen before. This probably in part thanks to her learning more about it from when she
- accidentally turned a proxy session into a sort of switching.
- I haven't felt this excited about tulpamancy in months.
- Journal entry 165
- Session 113 (30 minutes) 2013-10-21
- Started the session by doing a 100-0-30-0 countdown. I was in my pony mind-form. When I reached
- 37, I decided to stick my head into the place where the numbers appear (when they change, the
- LSD fades away and the next digit comes rushing up from behind, in order to take its place).
- The 7 ruthlessly rammed into my snout, kicked me backwards and left me with a nosebleed. The
- experience was so immersive that I noticed my body's eyes tearing up pretty bad from the
- "pain". I did not stop counting down, despite trying to use my hooves to make a cotton bud to
- put into my nose in order to stop the bleeding, with little success. Swindy finally decided to
- come and shove something in my nose, despite my asking her not to.
- I do not usually allow myself to get carried away with things like that, since I could just
- have chosen not to get a nosebleed in the first place. However, this time, I decided to drop as
- much conscious control over the circumstances as I could, and just see what happens. I.e, I
- chose to use my mindform as my only tool.
- After the countdown and getting cleaned up, I decided to do some visualisation work with
- Swindy. It didn't take too long before I just lost the inspiration to keep doing it, because I
- wanted to talk to her about some stuff that had been going on recently.
- Namely, how I've been speaking with Semper and Bow about Shinn, behind her back. I never
- attempted to hide the memories from her in any way, or prevent her access to them, but I did
- ask her to go away while I was talking, and I took precautions to prevent her from "coming out"
- while I was talking. She wasn't too happy about what I'd done, but she did understand why I
- would choose to act in that way. I felt bad about it, and she comforted me by letting me lie
- underneath her wing, on her bed in the wonderland.
- Journal entry 166
- Session 114 (1 hour 30 minutes) 2013-10-26
- Switching and vocal possession.
- This was our first successful switch ever, and it was magical. I started the session - which
- wasn't intended to be a tulpa session - by just sitting down and focusing on the sound of my
- tinnitus and the rain, trying to pull myself free from the body and project into an existence
- where the sound was the only thing I was experiencing. It went reasonably well, but after
- a while, I asked Swindy to take care of keeping the body upright, since I have a tendency to
- topple over while sitting in the lotus position.
- It went well, and she maintained balance for a while, before slowly starting to lean over
- backward, finally causing us to fall over. This issue remained, and after some time of battling
- it, the meditation session had pretty much turned into a Swindy-trying-to-control-the-body
- session.
- After some time of this, I came up with the idea of projecting into the room our body was
- sitting in, and observing it as if I was observing someone else. I then bluntly asked Swindy to
- stand up. Which she, much to my surprise, started doing. She moved the legs as if they were her
- own, and while I did feel the moving numbly, I felt no agency over their movement. I was merely
- observing them move,through the nervous system. It took a few minutes for her to get up, but
- Swindy actually managed to stand tall for the better part of a minute, before trying to take a
- step and losing balance, causing me to lose focus and "catch" the body and stop it from
- falling.
- We then repeated the exercise, but this time allowing Swindy to open the eyes. I was expecting
- it to ruin my concentration, but it didn't! I was actually able to observe her moving the body
- around, through the eyes, without feeling as if I was a part of what was causing the movement.
- This time, she took a few steps before falling over again. I manuevered the body onto the couch
- after that, and instructed her to take over again. She did, and sat down on the couch, where
- she got the idea of trying vocal possession.
- She started by trying to figure out how to control the breathing, which had been on auto-pilot
- this whole time. After she got some sense of how to control it, she started playing around with
- the throat, taking deep breaths and forming grunts and noises. After that, she focused on the
- mouth, using the tongue to form silent sounds and words. After maybe ten minutes, she combined
- everything, and whispered, "Hej, jag heter Swindy". (Hi, my name is Swindy). She kept
- whispering it over and over, until she managed to get the throat to make some actual sound to
- go with it. Once that happened, she was able to speak one short sentence for every deep breath
- she took. Her exact words were (she repeated some of the sentences several times):
- Hej, jag heter Swindy (Hi, my name is Swindy)
- Jag kan prata (I can talk)
- Jag kan faktiskt prata (I can actually talk)
- Du lät mig faktiskt prata (You actually let me talk)
- Tack, Ludde (Thank you, Ludde)
- Jag har en röst (I have a voice)
- En riktig röst (A real voice)
- Hej, jag heter Swindy och jag kan prata (Hi, my name is Swindy, and I can talk)
- What surprised me the most about this, was that she spoke in a completely different accent and
- tone of voice than me. Whereas I speak in a very sharp and low, Finnish-Swedish accent, she
- spoke in a much softer, higher, Stockholm-ish accent.
- After she had spoken the last line, she went quiet, stopped moving the body and didn't answer
- my calls for her. I took back control and called for her again, to which she answered that she
- was "thinking", and that's why she wasn't replying or doing anything.
- What I think made this session so successful, was that I continuously as Swindy was doing
- things, kept my focus on my own consciousness rather than the body, and I kept telling myself
- that I'm merely an observer, with no power to affect what the body is doing. Needless to say,
- this was a very, very exciting session, and I'm extremely curious as to what the future will
- bring once we improve this art.
- Journal entry 167
- Session 115 (40 minutes) 2013-10-30
- I decided to just sit down and meditate downstairs for a bit, asking Swindy to keep the body
- upright, but also telling her that she's free to do whatever she wants while I try to focus on
- other things. I was fairly tired during this session, something which might have helped.
- After some time, she started moving the head from right to left, and move the hands about a
- bit. It was nothing much out of the ordinary, except her movements felt more alien than ever
- before. At one point, my left-hand fingers literally numbed away, but I could still feel her
- moving them against my leg, even though I was entirely unaware of my fingers even existing.
- I managed to focus quite well on some ambient music playing, and it was all in all a nice
- meditation session.
- Journal entry 168
- Session 116 (50 minutes) 2013-10-31
- Switching/vocal possession. I started by asking Swindy to "do the usual" and keep me sitting
- upright while I meditated to the noise of my tinnitus. I also told her that she could do
- anything she wanted to with the body while I was meditating.
- She started by mostly just moving the head and arms around a little, but after a while, she
- decided to do vocal again. She made some noises at first, before speaking a few words in
- English (along the lines of "I'm- I'm speaking English"). She wanted to record herself
- speaking, and first tried to do it through a Mumble server I had been talking on (but she
- couldn't do it in the end), so we took a short break in order to set up recording through
- Audacity.
- Swindy was in control of the whole body, but I couldn't maintain good enough focus for her to
- use the computer properly with open eyes; I kept involuntarily taking control within a minute
- of her opening the eyes.
- After I had set the computer up, she recorded a voice message for a friend.
- Journal entry 169
- Session 117 (1 hour 45 minutes) 2013-11-07
- Imposition. This session started with me just listening to music, and ending up meditating. I
- decided to go into the wonderland and look at what Swindy had done to the place. She'd made a
- little rose garden by the side of the mansion (copying her vision of Shinn's rose garden), with
- a big statue of Shinn in the middle. On the inside, she had added some soft carpets to the
- floors, changed the walls to be a dark wood colour, and added a fireplace in front of the bar.
- She also turned the bed/sofa thing in the bedroom into a darker colour.
- After the tour, we just chilled on the sofa in front of the fireplace and talked a bit. After
- I got tired of doing that, I decided to try and do visual imposition.
- I started by just staring at the wall, and trying to create a blue circle. Success was very
- limited, until I stared for long enough to start hallucinating, at which point, I became able
- to create a dark-blue/purple circle in my field of vision. It was very unstable, pulsating in
- and out of existence, and changing size (it started large, and became smaller until it faded
- away. About once every 3 seconds.) After some time, I became unable to create more circles,
- however toward the end, the size was much more stable than in the beginning.
- I then noticed two small white dots on the wall, that I used as a basis for trying to impose a
- triangle. I managed not to impose a triangle very well, but I did manage to impose a third
- white dot, where the tip of the triangle would have been. It was very vivi, but fleeting and
- unstable.
- Journal entry 170
- Session 118 (30 minutes) 2013-11-12
- Switching. Terrifying switching. I started this session by just meditating over some things,
- before giving Swindy the all-clear to try and switch in. I did a 100-0-30-0 countdown while she
- worked on it, and at the end of it, I was pretty "far out". She managed to move the entire body
- and walk around in the pitch-black room, while I focused on sitting in the sofa as my pony
- mind-form and focusing on the TV, and at watching Swindy move the body around the room. She did
- a lap, and then returned to sit in the sofa.
- Once sitting down, she did some thinking, and she realised that she could use the body to speak
- words out-loud, and that's when things got scary. She sat down and started to speak, when I
- started getting a hard time focusing on my mind-form. When she was thinking, her thoughts were
- overwhealming, and I couldn't ignore them entirely, no matter how I tried. As a result, I was
- acutely aware of every action she did and every thought she thought, and every word she spoke,
- despite not feeling any power to govern over the thoughts and words.
- After some time, I just felt as if there was no border between me and Swindy any more, and that
- I was forced to experience what she was experiencing. She picked up on my anxiety about it, and
- offered to switch back, which I did. That caused more worry, since it took about a minute for
- me to truly switch back and get back sense of ownership over the body; during that minute, I
- was able to move around, but it felt as if I was operating a machine.
- During the final moments of her being switched in, we talked about how I felt, and she
- explained that that was how she felt every day; overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, and
- often unable to think her own.
- This is extremely exciting progress. The fact that I felt so incredibly weak, and lost most of
- my ability to think, while still being aware of what the body was doing, fills me with glee.
- And terror.
- Journal entry 171
- Swindy helping me remember things 2013-11-15
- I was having trouble remembering what I'd spent a 50 € note on today, and I tried asking Swindy
- to dig it out for me. She asked me to quit thinking about it, which I did. I could feel her
- thinking and digging through my memories. After a couple of minutes, the memory was very clear
- in my head, despite me making no conscious effort of remembering it, or even particularly
- thinking about it. I'd purchased new windscreen wiper blades for the Volvo.
- Journal entry 172
- Session 119 (30 minutes) 2013-11-17
- Journal entry 173
- General note 2013-11-30
- Today, I remarked upon how familiar the concept of "hearing voices" has become to me; when I
- watch, read and hear about people spookily "hearing voices", I don't react to it as being
- anything out of the ordinary. It's strange to then catch myself and recall that most people
- have no concept of hearing thoughts other than their own.
- Journal entry 174
- Session 120 (6 hours) 2013-12-01
- Journal entry 175
- Session 121 (1 hour 30 minutes)
- Switching. I started out by sitting upstairs and focused myself into the front porch of our
- house, which I'd made a quick wonderland copy of. Swindy then took control and started by
- moving about, first the hands and voicebox, moving around and speaking a little, and then she
- got up and walked around the room with open eyes. It went better than ever before, and I was
- able to ignore the body enough not to take back control as soon as she opened the eyes.
- After walking around a bit upstairs, she asked (by speaking outloud) if she could walk
- downstairs to the computer room. I agreed (nobody else was awake). The descent took a few
- minutes, and consisted of two staircases and three doors. She generally moved slowly, but very
- quietly and precisely.
- After we got down, she recorded herself speaking, before deciding to start
- going back upstairs. However, once reaching the top of the first staircase, she came up with
- the idea of playing some computer games before giving the body back. She was very good at using
- the computer, moving the mouse and typing better than ever before. Feeling her use the computer
- was strange, since she'd react to things before I would (I was still clearly aware of the
- body), so she'd click things and do stuff before I had a chance of thinking through what she
- was doing. It was like watching the computer use itself.
- She also tried writing for the first time, on a paper note. It looked very good.
- Once she got BF3 started, she really kicked into high gear. While I was aware of the game being
- played, I had no sense of the game. It felt like watching game footage, or a demo of a game
- playing itself. If I really focused hard on the wonderland (or the monitor's power LED, as
- Swindy suggested), I could completely zone out and "not experience" what was going on on the
- computer monitor; I could become entirely ignorant of what Swindy was doing, only noticing that
- she had actually been doing anything at all once I lost focus of the wonderland or LED, and saw
- that she was in a different place on the game map, or something along those lines.
- This has been an extremely interesting session, I was not expecting to be able to stay out of
- control once Swindy opened the eyes, but I managed to. Watching her move around, and especially
- walk the stairs so gracefully, with only minimal sense of the actual body, was an amazing
- experience. The sense of disassociation from the computer game that was being played, was also
- amazing, and Swindy loved playing it. She kept saying that I had very good reflexes (referring
- to muscle memory).
- I feel as we're getting ever closer to me being able to literally zone out from everything,
- letting Swindy do things while I meditate or simply zone out entirely, returning only to have
- no recollection at all of what happened. I really hope we're able to reach that stage, since it
- would be amazing to be able to let Swindy do things that I simply do not have to observe in any
- way what-so-ever.
- Journal entry 176
- Session 122 (1 hour 10 minutes) 2013-12-15
- Switching. Swindy wanted to play a computer game, so she asked if she could switch.
- The switching process went pretty well, but nowhere near as well as last time; I was definitely
- aware of everything this time (although they never got their game going, so it might have been
- due to Swindy not really focusing too hard on what she was doing, chatting). On a positive
- note, though, so did Swindy type very convincingly on her own; both quickly and very
- differently from how I type. Above all, she didn't give a single bother to how she typed, and
- it looked horrible to me.
- After some time of this, she came down with a headache, and we decided to switch back.
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