STRELNIKOV IS ROYAL PAIN

>>571455

>IF ONLY I WRITE GOOD IN ENGLISH. THEN I MAKE STORY OF PARTY WITH VODKA HOOVE

 

If a man's gonna throw a bro a party a man's got to have a pad. Anon usually builds a little shack or whatever outside Ponyville but that is not how Strelnikov rolls.

 

EQUESTRIA, PREPARE YOUR ANUS

 

PLACE: Royal Palace, Canterlot

TIME: Ten minutes ago

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    >A fiery blast and shower of splintered wood precedes a bloodied diamond dog into the Canterlot throne room.

    >His robes are torn, his walk is a stagger and one arm hangs useless, but his expression is triumphant.

    >Celestia stands before the throne, Luna at her side

    >"Surrender, wizard. Do you think you can defeat us alone? The others have been captured. Your coup has failed."

    >He gives the encroaching guards pause by reaching into a pocket and holding aloft a small crystal sphere.

    >"Oh no your *majesty*," he says, making the word a sneer.

    >"We only needed to get within your protective wards so that we could unleash our master."

    >He dashes the sphere onto the stone floor, producing a flash and a cloud of smoke

    >"Behold the coming of ...DISCORD!!"

    >dramatic pause as the cloud clears

    KAFF KAFF KAFF COUGH

    WHY SMOKE? WHERE IS CITY? WHY ROOM FILLED WITH HORSE?

    >"You...you're not Discord."

    >an enormous hand seizes the mage by his hood and raises him to eye level

    TALKING DOGGY, YOU GIVE ANSWER

    >Celestia flustered at being ignored

    >stamps hooves to get peoples' attention

    >"Large one, I demand to know the meaning of your presence."

    NAME IS STRELNIKOV, NOT 'LARGE ONE'

    >"That does not answer my question."

    LATER, I TALKING TO DOGGY

    >AngryCelestia.jpg

    >"You will tell me who you are and what you are doing here immediately!"

    >Strelnikov turns toward throne for the first time

    >spots Luna

    >eyebrow raise

    MAYBE WHITE HORSE ACTS BITCH BECAUSE BLUE ONE IS PRETTIER

    >"Wh- what? How dare you!"

    >brief glare at blushing Luna

    >horn swings down

    >"You're going back where you came from."

 

    >magic spears out and is intercepted halfway by a flung wizard

    >ZAP! - *poof*

    >a baffled yorkie pops out of nowhere over a street in St Petersburg and bounces off the pavement

    >re-aiming horn for a second shot

    >guards try to hold the massive human still

    >he seizes the largest of them and effortlessly flings him into the path of the beam

    >ZAP! - *poof*

    >St. Petersburg, a horse appears out of thin air and lands on the hood of a Volga, upending it and sending it careening into the opposite lane

    >Strelnikov starts running around the throne room tossing guards into the path of teleport bolts and laughing maniacally

    >Celestia's anger building

    >can't get a bead on him without banishing a guard

    >"Get out of my palace!!"

    HAHAHA I AM SWIFT LIKE RUSSIAN LIGHTNING

    > ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof* ZAP! - *poof*

    >St Petersburg, a deluge of horses starts raining out of the sky

    >pile-ups, screaming, sirens, animals running everywhere

    >absolute fucking pandemonium

    >Strelnikov throws an iron cauldron at Celestia between shots

    >perfect ringer

    >she tries to blast the pot off her horn

    >blasts the bottom off instead

    >pot slides down covering her head completely

    >blindly trips over the throne and lands backside up

    >Strelnikov jukes guards, heads straight for her

    >kicks her square in the gooch sending her ass-over-teakettle

    IS MOST ACTION YOU WILL GET NEAR HOT SISTER, HAH

    >he takes off down a hallway around the corner from the throne

    >guards running in circles

    >Celestia on her side comically trying to push the pot off of her head with all 4 hooves

    >Strelnikov's endless bellowing growing less distinct as he recedes down the hall

    >Luna just watching it all, stunned into catatonia

 

    >three guards manage to remove the cauldron with an audible *fop*

    >the princess gets her footing and throws them aside

    >face twisted in full-on Disney Queen rage

    >sounds of the human returning echo from the hall

    >Celestia surrounded by a nimbus of fire, eyes glowing red, horn throwing jags of flame like a tesla coil

    >"GET. OUT. NOW!!!"

    >crimson power erupts and surges toward the corner

    >Strelnikov rolls out on a hand cart clutching the back of a full-length mirror

    >*BWONNNNNG*

    >the bolt reflects off the mirror and hits Celestia

    >ZAP! - *poof*

    >empty tiara clatters to the ground

    >Strelnikov throws the mirror aside

    I HAVE VANQUISHED PRINCESS. NOW I AM PRINCESS!

    wait, is not right...

    oh yes - king!

    NOW I AM KING!

    >he pulls a blanket off the cart's lower shelf

    >pile-o-booze.jpg

    >grabs a handle of vodka and runs toward Luna

    >huge arm wraps around her making her squeak

    >other hand pops cork off the glass bottle by squeezing it

    >shoves it in her mouth so far she starts gulping involuntarily

    PLAY CARDS RIGHT AND MIGHT BE QUEEN

    LIKE PRINCE ENGLAND CHARLES I DO NOT MIND THE HORSEY FACE

    >his recent majesty leaps toward the center of the room and raises his fists to the ceiling

    AND NOW, CELEBRATION!

    >silence

    >annoyed, grabs rope tied to the cart

    >five trussed guards tumble into view, each tied to a different musical instrument

    AND NOW, CELEBRATION!

    >Russian folk music fills the air

    >Strelnikov laughs and starts cossack dancing

    >rest of the guards see which way the wind is blowing and join in as chorus or in the dancing line

    >throne room is filled with dancing stallions, baritone harmony and a dazed and still gulping Luna who is starting to sway

    LONG LIVE TO ME!

 

    >long live the king

 

    >Long Live The King!

 

    >LONG LIVE THE KING!

 

 

PLACE: Russia, Earth

TIME: Right now

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    >ZAP! *poof*

    >St. Petersburg, a radiant alicorn appears

    >catches motion in the corner of her eye

    >flies 12 feet up narrowly avoiding a bus

    >oh, a technological realm

    >wrinkles her nose

    >a filthy one

    >notices the bedlam caused by her missed deportation attempts

    >whoops

    >flies higher and hovers, shining with bright golden light

    >reverses all damage to people, cars and property

    >restores guards' minds and sends them home

    >notices rapidly growing crowd below staring at her in awe

    >closes her eyes and reaches out to discover what manner of race could have birthed that...

    >(loneliness-despair-war-drought-murder)

    -oh-

    >(hate-suicide-pollution-terror-pain-famine)

    -no-

    >tears fall and blossom into chamomile flowers on the frozen ground

    >multitudes silently watch as she hangs motionless in the air

    >eyes open

    "I'm staying."

    >rockets up 5000 feet

    >wings open to their fullest, smog and cloud cover roll away exposing the Sun

    >benevolent pastel luminescence envelops the entire city

    >awakens idea of harmony in all who see it

    >flutterwonder x 4.8 million souls

    >light spreads to every corner of the country

    >oligarchs step down and beg forgiveness

    >Celestia declared to be Tsarina

    >joyous united Russian people reclaim prominence on world stage

    >rival nations become jealous

    >nukes don't work

    >peace and harmony spreading everywhere

    >Pax Russica Aeternum

    >aliens decide we're finally worth visiting

    >are offered pizza with mayonnaise and cold borscht

    >they change their minds and leave

    >PinkieShrug.png