Miscellaneous / Oneshots (Updated 6/17/13)

-Directory-

L007: Anon in Equestria Girls

L057: Money Troubles

L140: Strange Talk

 

 

-=Anon in Equestria Girls=-

 

"I can't believe you guys had a portal back to my damn world all this time and never told me!"

>A moderately distressed Twilight runs after you, her purple and green assistant holding onto her mane tightly. "Anon, wait! It's not like that! That world isn-"

"That's enough outta you, Purplicorn."

>You kick open the sparkly doors of the crystalline palace's chamber, where you were told was this portal thinger.

>You gesture determinately at the large mirror that served as a focal point of the room.

"This the thing?"

>"Yes but-"

"Good. Bye."

>With not even an ounce of hesitation, you leap headlong into the mirrored surface.

>Space twists violently around you, as a menagerie of colors swirl into infinity.

 

>With a heavy thud, you crash into the dirt.

>Spitting earth from your mouth, you jump up and excitedly lay eyes on...

>...The fuck was this?

>Before you was a large gaggle of vaguely humanoid... things, walking hither and thither, ignorant of your presence.

>Their heads were unnaturally large, like the ponies of the world from whence you just came.

>Unlike the ponies, however, their bipedal bodies were sickeningly thin, shifting the overall look from "kinda cute" to "oh sweet fuck kill it with a shovel".

>As well, they all sported an amazing spectrum of confusing skin colors, like they were all survivors of a horrible Skittles factory accident.

>Another two thuds behind you rouse you from your stupor.

>You look over to find some strange creature evidently masquerading as Twilight, and... was that a fucking green and purple dog?

>The humanoid beast gets up and dusts herself off as you turn back to silently stare at the crowd.

>"Well, this is it, I guess."

>You remain silent for a moment.

"...Oh."

"Well, let's go."

>"But we're already here, don't you want to-"

"LET'S GO."

>You forcibly grab her by her pencil-thin wrist and fling her frail body like a discus into the portal.

>You then promptly grab the dragondogthing and toss him through after her like a football.

 

>Twilight faceplants into the crystal floor, her once-again equine form slumping over just in time to serve as a landing pad for Spike.

>You casually step out of the portal, whistling a jaunty tune.

>Rubbing her nose with a hoof, Twilight looks up to see you strolling out of the room.

>"Anon, where are you-"

>The door closes before she has a chance to finish.

>After a moment, it opens again.

>Twilight looks up from her task of checking Spike for injuries, to find you sauntering back in, still whistling.

>"Anon, where did you get tha-"

>With a mighty grunt, you swing the sledgehammer into the surface of the mirror, shattering it into a million tiny pieces.

>A sigh of contentment escapes your lips, and you casually toss the hammer off to the side.

>Twilight seems stunned for a minute, then speaks up as you start heading back for the door.

>"What'd you do that for?!"

"There are some worlds man was not meant to go."

>"But we're ponies!"

"Yeah, well, them too. Anyway I'm taking the train back; if I hurry I can still get back in time to see if Rainbow still wants to play a game of Scootaball. See you back at the stupid tree we live in."

>The door slammed once again, leaving Twilight and Spike to contemplate the ruined portal.

 

 

-=Money Troubles=-

 

>You are Anonymous.

>About a week ago you were transported to the magical world of Equestria, due to a severe miscalculation in the amount of jiggawatts necessary to facilitate time travel.

>That or the Ford Pinto by nature could only travel across dimensional boundaries, and not temporal ones.

>Probably buried in the manual somewhere, you never read that thing.

>Your time amongst the colorful equine denizens of Ponyville was pleasant, at least.

>No one did any running or screaming or any of that rubbish; as it turned out there were far stranger denizens of this crazy world than just a hairless ape.

>Since then days have been rather easygoing, while you tried to find your place in the world.

>As luck would have it, a house near the center of town was vacant, after it's owner mysteriously disappeared in a bizarre, totally unrelated "Flying Ford Pinto" incident.

>Today, however, you had come to find the fridge was now empty of it's former owner's food, and it was finally time to take a shopping trip.

 

>The market square was bright and vibrant, like most everywhere else in this technicolor land.

>Making your way through the many market stalls, you soon spy a basket of the most delectable apples you've ever laid eyes on.

>You approached the stand, smiling at the familiar orange pony behind it.

>She was one of the six you met at that weird "Welcome the big goofy-lookin primate guy to Equestria" party that one of them had thrown.

>She tips her weathered stetson and smiles back.

>"Howdy big fellah. You lookin to buy some apples?"

"I do believe I am, Applejack. How much for this fine bushel right here?"

>"That'n is o sale for only ten bits."

"Uh... can you break a twenty?"

>"Twenty ah whut?"

>You hold up the slightly coiled green bill expectantly.

>"Uh.. sorry Anon, we don't take foreign currencies here."

"I was afraid of that. Alright, I'll be back later then, I need to take care of a few things."

>"Alrighty then. Have a nice day!"

 

>Now, for most people, getting thrown into a bizarre universe with no job or means of financial support would be a bad thing.

>But not for you, with your... unique talent.

>You had discovered it at the tender age of fourteen, during that exploratory phase.

>Though afterwards most boys didn't look up to find a dollar bill plastered to the wall.

>You had asked your mother about it, which led to a somewhat uncomfortable story about this one time in her college years when she got drunk and fucked a bank.

>Not a banker, or a guy that owned a bank or anything like that.

>A literal bank.

>You were too disgusted at the time to ask exactly how she accomplished that.

>As time went on the denominations grew, making financial stability easier, especially with the amount of free time and unlimited access to the internet you had.

>Even when traveling you found that the type of currency changed to fit whatever country you resided in.

>You wondered how that worked, but it was probably as confusing as the origins of the ability.

>Anyway, all that meant was it would be a quick trip home and you'd be able to buy whatever you needed.

 

>A knock came to the door.

>Perfect fucking timing, you were almost there.

>Hopefully they weren't persistent.

>Another knock, god damnit.

>And now, a posh, proper voice you'd recognize anywhere.

>"Anonymous, are you home? I had a few questions about your new wardrobe I was putting together."

"Just... just a second... I'm in the middle of something!"

>"Dear, are you alright? you sound tense."

"Damnit Rarity just a secoooOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

>The blood-curdling scream you emitted prompted the ivory fashion designer to quickly kick the door open.

>"Anonymous, are you alrigh- oh goodness!"

>There she found you, hunched over on the floor, pants long discarded.

>Beneath you on the hardwood there laid four large golden coins, laying in a small pool of blood.

>Panting heavily from the pain, you eventually look up to the shocked unicorn and stammer out a question.

"Why... why did none of you tell me this place didn't use paper money!"

>Her shock soon subsides and she walks over to console you.

>You were a little weirded out by the situation when she started patting you on the back.

>"Oh, there there, dear. Not everyp0ny can produce as much as the rest."

"...What?"

>"Sure, four bits might not be much, but I'm sure our friends can help you out anytime you need it."

"What... what in the name of mortarfucking college women are you talking about? I'm the only person that does this."

>"Maybe where you come from, sure. But it's as common as the sunrise in our world."

>The pain of your shredded manhood was actually subsiding, pushed out by blind confusion.

"You... you're joking, right?"

>"Hardly, I'm not Pinkie Pie. Besides, how do you think one such as Fluttershy gets by?"

"I don't believe this..."

>"I know it's a lot to take in at once, but chin up, I know a solution to your inadequacy problems, at least."

>You suddenly didn't like where this was going.

"...Oh god, don't tell me."

>"The profit is much better when two individuals... combine efforts, so to speak."

"Good lord, what deranged, wild world have I come to?"

>"A very fun one, if you ask me. In fact, if you'd like to make a deposit, I may be able to help you out..."

>Well that certainly wasn't the outcome you expected of this situation.

>Still, don't look a gift horse in the- uh, nevemind.

"...Okay. But can we go to the hospital first? I can't really work with a broken gun here."

 

>The next week or so you spent recovering, having to rely on the generosity of friends for a little while.

>Eventually, your little ATM was back up to full speed, and you took a first, bold step into a wonderful partnership with Rarity.

>On that night, however, you learned another harsh lesson.

 

>Vaginas that suddenly fill themselves with sharp, pointy gemstones are not fun.

 

 

-=Strange Talk=-

 

"Lovely night out tonight."

>"I guess."

"It's still strange to me, to think that the entire night sky is crafted by hand... er... well. You know."

>"It's never been that strange to me."

"Well, yeah, of course it isn't. You're a blue horse with wings that kicks clouds for a living."

>"Well somebody's gotta control the weather, it doesn't just happen on it's own."

"No, of course not. That would be silly."

>"Doesn't somepony control the weather where you come from?"

"Someone."

>"Huh?"

"You should say 'someone' in that instance; there are no ponies where I come from. ...At least, none like the ones here."

>"Whatever."

"Heheh. And no, there isn't. Just happens on its own, like you said yours supposedly doesn't."

>"Well it doesn't!"

"What about the Everfree?"

>"What about it?"

"You girls once said the weather doesn't need controlling there."

>"I guess? I don't know. But that's different. The Everfree's... strange."

"Strange how?"

>"Strange because the weather works on it's own!"

"Is that all?"

>"No... the plants don't need anyone to plant them either."

"Unheard of."

>"And it's full of big mean monsters."

"Uh... hm. Alright I'll give you that one. Wolves made out of wood is strange even where I come from."

>"But weather that works on it's own isn't?"

"Nope."

>"Huh..."

"I thought you'd say 'strange' again."

>"Why?"

"Dunno. It's just come up a lot lately."

>"Well you are strange. Strangest creature in all of Equestria, probably."

"Psh. I find that hard to believe."

>"And why's that?"

"Because I've seen pegasi, unicorns, griffons, minotaurs, hydras, manticores, and all manner of other strange things in my time here."

>"But have you ever seen another thing like you?"

"Well, no."

>"Then that makes you the strangest."

"I like to call it 'unique'."

>"Call it what ya like, you're a weirdo."

"And you're blue."

>"What's wrong with being blue?"

"Nothing, I suppose. Just that there's no one that's blue where I come from."

>"I'll bet none of them are as awesome as I am though."

"So blue's the color of awesome now?"

>"It might as well be, with me around."

"Of course."

 

>"...Do you ever, y'know, miss it?"

"Miss what?"

>"Where you came from."

"Hahh... sometimes."

>"I don't know what I'd do if I ended up somewhere I'd never see any of my friends again..."

"You could always make new ones."

>"What, just like that?"

"Well, it was probably easier for me. Most of my friends there were jerks."

>"Heheh..."

"...I do miss some of them, sometimes. Some more than others. ...Some a lot more."

>"So... how do you deal with something like that?"

"It's hard, sometimes. Some days I just want to hole up in my little house and drink until I forget what breathing is."

>"But you don't, right?"

"No, I don't."

>"Why?"

"Because I remind myself that I still have friends, even here. Friends like you guys."

>"Don't you go and get all mushy on me."

"You're the one that brought it up."

>"And you're reminding me why I usually don't."

 

"Twilight might not feel all that friendly for a while, though."

>"Can you blame her? You did kind of burst into her house covered in blood and ranting about the reckoning coming."

"With an even bloodier you slung over my shoulder, yes."

>"It was totally worth it though, the look on her face was priceless!"

"Indeed it was. ...I don't entirely know if taking away my gravity was necessary retaliation, though. Like, I didn't even know that was a thing you could do."

>"Just be glad I'm here to keep you from going any higher."

 

"Stupid magic."