Conduit: Chapter 1 - Dropping in

>Today has been a bad day.

 

>The front door listlessly bumps into the wall before being knocked shut. Light illuminates the living room with a flick of the wall switch, clattering echoes through the hall when a set of keys strike the counter. A burst of air escapes the couch cushions as a 200 pound mass slumps into it's faux-leather embrace.

 

>The events of the past day drift through your head as you stare at the ceiling. The alarm clock failing to go off, asshole drivers cutting you off repeatedly and running all over you, little kids throwing up in the produce aisle, the manager telling you your register was short and that the difference would come out of your paycheck, the little old lady asking where the mayonnaise is while standing directly in front of it, you shouting at her, you hurling jars of mayonnaise at a fleeing little old lady, your co-workers wrestling you to the floor; just another day in your tireless quest to be as unhappy as possible.

 

>Though in a way, you were a bit happier now, really. Another few weeks at that job and you might have been throwing things a little more dangerous than condiments. You let out a heavy sigh and roll onto your side. The stress of work wouldn't bother you anymore, though continuing to eat and live might prove troublesome. You'd think about that in the morning. For now, you just wanted to get some sleep. Well, okay; what you REALLY wanted was a chance to start over somewhere new, somewhere far the fuck away from the hellhole you found yourself living in for the past 5 years. But not having any immediate solution to that problem, you opted to tackle the sleep thing first. You curl up a bit into the couch, give a passing thought at how you really should buy a bed one of these days, and close your eyes.

 

>fwop

 

>...Fwop? What the hell kind of noise is that? And when did it get so windy in your living room? Upon opening your eyes, the answer makes itself evident; you're not in your living room anymore. In fact, you don't seem to be anywhere at all.

 

>Wait, no, you're definitely somewhere. The ground hundreds of thousands of feet below tell you that much. After a moment of contemplation, you decide to greet the sky around you in a manner it's presumably most accustomed to.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

 

>The sky does not respond. You repeat your greeting several times over, but it does not change the air's demeanor at all. Not one to be discouraged, you continue trying anyway.

 

>After a few more attempts you finally decide to asses your situation. It is nighttime. You appear to be falling. The ground is rapidly getting closer. You do not recall how you came to be here. The last thing you remember is laying on the couch and trying to sleep. Sleep! You must be asleep. This is one of those crazy falling dreams. Alright, situation assessed, you are in no danger. You'll wake up right before you hit the ground, like always.

 

>When your body crashes into the first large tree limb, you realize your assessment of the situation may have been erroneous. As your body crashes through many MORE tree limbs and finally into what you are sure is the thorniest bush in all the thornbush kingdom, you suddenly realize your life would have been much better off as a rock, and take initiative into following this wonderful new life choice by lapsing into unconsciousness.

 

>”So what do you think he is, Twi?”

 

>”Honestly? I have no idea.”

 

>”Come on, egghead, you're the smart one.”

 

>”He looks silly! Look at how many joints his leg has!”

 

>”How are you so sure that's his leg, darling? For all we know his kind could have evolved beyond the need of legs, not to mention a respectable fashion sense.”

 

>”Um... I think he's waking up...”

 

>You eventually awaken to the irritating sound of a group of girls talking and a searing pain in your everything. With great difficulty, you open your eyes to find yourself staring at the ceiling again. A different ceiling though, this one appearing to be made of wood. Not even panels, just straight wood, like it was carved out of one mother of a tree.

 

>”Uh, hi there, Mr. Whatever-you-are.”

 

>One of the voices from earlier addresses you in a peculiar way. You turn your head to it's source, which you can see is some kind of purple horse thing with the biggest damn pair of eyes you've ever laid your own on. Another five similar creatures were arranged behind it, each a different, ridiculous color. You take the opportunity to give a formal greeting.

 

“Hello talking purple horse.”

 

>”Actually, I'm a unicorn.”

 

“My apologies; talking purple unicorn.”

 

“...WHAT!?”

 

>Your brain's processing center finally gets the jump-start it needed and sends your body bolting upright in your makeshift bedding. This proves to be a mistake as waves of pain shoot from one side of it to the other, taking great care to smash into every part of you they can find. With a heavy grunt you fall back to what you really wish was your couch right now.

 

>”Hey, take it easy there. While I'm not perfectly clear on your anatomy, I don't think that many of your limbs are supposed act like they're devoid of bones.”

 

>The horse, er, unicorn creature seemed to be on to something. Both your legs felt like they were broken in at least two or three places, your left arm probably didn't always bend that way, and you weren't entirely sure you even HAD ribs anymore. You also picked up one killer headache. Bringing your right hand to your forehead found some medical gauze somewhat haphazardly wrapped around it, which also explained why you couldn't see out of one eye. That eye felt fine, one of the few things that did, but you weren't about to critique the medical abilities of the only things that could tell you where you were. Speaking of...

 

“Where am I?”

 

>”Oh! Pardon me, I completely forgot to introduce myself. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and you're in the basement of my house, Golden Oaks Library, located in scenic P0nyville. What's your name?”

 

>Name? You had a name? Oh, right, you did.

 

”Uh... Anonymous.”

 

>”Anonymous? What a peculiar name.”

 

“Right, this coming from someone that calls themselves TWILIGHT SPARKLE.”

 

>You lay a sarcastic tone into your pronunciation of her name, and make a waving motion with your one good arm. Good to know the fall hadn't robbed you of your cheery demeanor. And that you seemed to be taking this 'waking up in horse-land' thing rather well. Maybe the shock just hadn't worn off yet. The light blue creature with a mane of  many colors and a small set of wings on it's back chuckles at your statement.

 

>”He's got a point there.”

 

>”Oh, like yours is any better, miss RAINBOW DASH.”

 

>The purple unicorn remarks in a tone much like your own, something that almost gives you a bit of solace in this crazy situation. Blue responds with an air of confidence.

 

>”Hey, at least mine makes sense! I've got the rainbow, and I like to dash. I don't see what you have to do with twilight OR sparkling.”

 

>”Ooh, ooh, me next!” The pink one, which had neither horn nor wings and what looked like cotton candy on it's head, suddenly leaps clear over the group and lands front and center. “I'm Pinkie Pie! I'm definitely pink, and while I'm not a pie I certainly like pies! Oh, but I like cupcakes better. Are cupcakes part of the pie family? Or would they be part of the cakes? Do pies have family? I know the Cakes do, they make the best-”

 

>”Pinkie, dear, I fear we may be getting off track a smidge.” The white horned whatever with a curly purple hairstyle interjects, interrupting the spastic pink bundle of pleaseshutup. Pink visibly sinks a bit.

 

>”Awww... but we didn't even get to do Applejack or Fluttershy.”

 

>”I like my name...” says another, barely audible voice from the back. Looks like another winged one, this one yellow.

 

>”Listen, we can have this discussion about names later,” pleads the orange normalhorse that wore a cowboy hat befitting of it's accent, “right now what we aughta be doin is figurin out where in the world this strange feller here came from.”

 

>”Applejack's right.” Purplicorn regains control of the conversation, steering back to a more important track; your origins. “Now then, Mr. Anonymous-”

 

“Anon's fine.”

 

>”Right, Mr. Anon, we found you passed out in a terrible state at the edge of the Everfree Forest about three hours ago. Do you have any idea how you got there?”

 

“Not even remotely. Last thing I remember was getting home from work and laying down on the couch. Next thing I knew I was here, or at least some distance far above it.”

 

>Purplelight Sparkorse seemed moderately surprised as you gesture upwards.

 

>”Above it? You mean you fell from the sky?”

 

“Yes, and I do not recommended it. Unless you like gut-wrenching terror and immense pain.”

 

>”Or can fly.” sparks up Cyanwings, subtlety lording her superior aerial capabilities over you.

 

“Right, or that. ...Hey, uh, Twilight? You said we were in a place called, uh, P0nyville? Where... exactly is that?”

 

>”It's a small town nearest Canterlot, though I guess Cloudsdale is pretty close too, if the wind is right.” A brief glance at your blank expression tells her you have absolutely no idea where any of those places are. “Uh, but beyond that we're all in the land of Equestria.”

 

>The sheer volume of horse puns this creature just assaulted you with nearly drives you crosseyed. You maintain your composure to the best of your current ability and move on to a different question.

 

“Okay... I know this probably should have been my first question, but uh, what exactly are all of you, anyway?”

 

>“Well, we're p0nies, of course.” she answers, as if you should have known already.

 

>P0nies. You're in a world full of p0nies. Colorful, talkative p0nies to boot. You turn back to stare at the ceiling, the least confusing part of your day so far. It's smooth blankness was always sort of comforting to you, nothing complicated or ridiculous about it. Sure, this ceiling was in a bizarre alien world full of tiny multicolored equines, but it had a moderately similar effect on your state of mind. The orange behatted p0ny spoke up again after a time.

 

>”Well, now what?”

 

>”Hmm...” Purple strokes her chin with a near-featureless hoof for a moment before brightening up. “Ah! We write a letter to Princess Celestia, of course.”

 

>Princess? This place had a monarchy? No, then she'd be a queen. Actually there could also be a queen, you don't know. You literally just dropped out of the sky a few hours ago. A fact your body takes pride in reminding you of every 3 seconds.

 

>”Spike! Could you come down here a minute? Bring a quill and parchment!”

 

>Her shouting brings you out of your appreciation of the wood grain above.

 

 “Who's Spike? He another p0ny?”

 

>”Oh, no, he's a dragon, and my assistant.”

 

>A dragon. Why not? You wanted to disbelieve her, but at this point found it rather difficult. Sure enough, after a moment a small green and purple reptillian thingy bounds down the stairs, an old fashioned writing quill and yellowed paper in hand. ...In claw? Whatever. It's voice appears male, though a very young male.

 

>”What's up Twilight- WHOA, who's this guy?!”

 

>”This is Anonymous the... uh, what did you say you were again?”

 

“Human.”

 

>”Right, Anonymous the human.”

 

>The overgrown iguana seems excited to learn this, as he runs over to get a better look at you. “Whooa... What's a human?”

 

>A moment of silence, then an all-knowing “fuhiunuh” noise from his mentor. It seemed sufficient, so he turned away and assumed a writing position.

 

>”Write a letter to Princess Celestia, about how I've found a strange creature calling himself a 'human', who's unfamilliar with our world and it's inhabitants. Surely she'll know what to do with him.”

 

>Something about this situation unnerves you a bit. An alien creature has come crashing from the heavens, and their first idea is to contact the government. You've seen enough science fiction movies back home to know how well that turns out. But in your current state of what you've come to call 'total body ruination', you have little choice but to follow along, at least for the time being.

 

>”...Aaaand there. I'll send it right away.” The tiny dragon heads back upstairs, evidently going to just deliver the bloody thing on foot for all you know.

 

>“Right, looks like that's most everything for now. Unless I'm forgetting something.” Sparklight rubs her chin again.

 

“Some painkillers would be nice.”

 

>”Oh! I'm so sorry, I totally forgot, you must be in terrible pain.”

 

>”Good going, Doctor egghead.”

 

>Dashbow Wings sure seemed to enjoy prodding at your impromptu caretaker's failings. After giving her a glare, she turns and aims the small, twisty horn on her head at you.

 

>”This'll have you up and about in just a few days.”

 

>A few days? You weren't sure if you'd ever walk again at this point. The fact that you survived at all has been nagging at you all nigh- whoa now

 

>Suddenly, a faint, purple glow emanates from the horn, and soon around your entire body as well. Some of the pain that's wracked your body seems to fade, replaced by a light tingling sensation. Then that feeling is replaced by a much greater pain, as the bones in your legs, arm and chest start moving around, resetting themselves. You cry out abruptly in surprise, but before you can even enjoy the agony, it's gone. The glow fades, and the purple unicorn lifts her head back up.

 

>“There we go. Sorry about the sudden bone resetting, don't want them to mend wrong, do we?”

 

>You sit up. Much of your body still hurts, but not nearly as much, a seething pain replaced by a dull, throbbing ache. You look over at what you now can only assume is a wizard incredulously.

 

“The hell was that?”

 

>”Just a simple healing spell; resets any breaks and jumpstarts the body's natural recovery rate. It's not much, but you should be fine in a few days.”

 

>Oh, of course. The p0nies are magic, too. At this point you don't even care anymore, this day's gone on long enough.

 

“Right... well, thanks for the whole 'keeping me alive' thing and all, but I think I need to get some rest.”

 

>”Good heavens, I didn't realize it had gotten so late.” says Whitefancy, who you had almost forgotten was there, along with the others. “I'd better get home and get my beauty sleep.”

 

>The five other p0nies ascend the staircase, yawning and talking amongst themselves. Orangetexas brings up the rear, stopping before going through the door with the rest.

 

>”You sure you'll be alright with him here, sugarcube?”

 

>”Thanks, but I'll be alright, Applejack.” replies Twiwhatever, eventually going up the stairs herself. “Even with the healing spell I doubt Mr. Anonymous will be much trouble to take care of.”

 

>”Alright, well, you know where we'll be anyhow. Night.”

 

>Orange leaves, leaving only Purplesparkle standing at the head of the stairs. She flicks off the lights with another burst of purple glowy stuff, looking down at you.

 

>”You let me know if you need anything. I'll be right upstairs most of the night; I want to see if any of my books say anything about 'humans'. Goodnight.”

 

>The door glows and closes itself behind her, leaving you alone in a dark basement of a world you never knew existed. You lay back down and return to your good friend the ceiling. Just a few hours ago you were cursing the little alcove you'd carved out in life. Now you weren't so sure it was all that bad; at least there things made sense. They were miserable, but they made sense.

 

>P0nies. You were in a world full of colorful, magical talking p0nies. When you wished for a place to start over, this wasn't exactly what you had in mind.