The Funny Bin (Short One-shots) Updated 9/11/2013

Last Updated: 9/22/2013

I'm gonna use this paste to store random stuff as it pops out the ol' noggin.

 

>Day Hoop-a-day-yo in Equestria

>You've been hanging out with the horses for a while. Eh seem to be pretty cool guys.

>Twilight comes up to you with the rest of the Elements behind her. They all greet you cordially and you start talking about everyday stuff.

>Twilight: "So how are you enjoying us ponies, Anon?"

"Well enough. I was worried about you guys at first, but I think you've grown on me. It feels homey here, if a bit silly in how colourful everything is."

>"Aw, well that's good to hear! So what was the main thing that won you over?"

"Well there were a lot of factors, but you guys are just so darn cute! The outline thing is just adorable. Reminds me of grade school, my childhood, and whatnot. Just makes me feel safe and brings out the silhouette."

>"Outline thing?"

"Yeah, you know? You ponies all have this outline thing on the borders of all your fur, hair, and stuff! Boldens you out - looks good!"

>"Uuuh, Anon. I don't know what you're talking about."

>You reach over to her, pinching her back.

"Well you know its just this line thing that, uh..."

>As you pinch, you notice the line builds up a little in your fingers. You give it a little tug and more comes out.

"Surrounds...your...body structure..."

>You pull harder and start reeling the border like a fishing line. When you separate it from Twilight entirely, she falls to the floor like a puddle. No one notices. Rarity does that thing where she talks with her eyes closed.

>Rarity: "Why that's preposterous, Anonymous! None of us have this 'outline' your speaking of, an-"

>You pull Rarity's outline around her mouth, causing it to disappear. Rarity goes silent as she pours white and eyes out of her skull.

>The others act like nothing is going on.

>You go home, checking your hairs.

>Today was a bad day.

 

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/6EKn4.jpg

Monopony? I love that game!

Rarity is fucking terrible at it - always wasted everything to get Canterlot and Cloudsdale. Spike's a little bitch and always makes bad trades to help her. Twilight's always too busy bitching about how a "get off the moon free" card would even be feasible to play well.

>Be on the Moon

>Roll 2 5's

>Free parking $500 + $650 collected taxes

"Bam, Applejack! The stars aided in my escape FROM YOUR HOTELS!"

>"Consarnit. I knew I shouldn't have traded Manehattan to Pinkie."

>PP:"Aw don't be a spoil sport, Applejack!"

>RD:"Easy for you to say. Every time you land on chance, it sends you to one of the railroads!"

>PP:"So?"

>RD:"You OWN ALL THE RAILROADS!"

>PP:"Well DUH! That's how Anon got his utilities and moon cards!"

>RD:"Still a crazy trade."

"Don't question my methods when all you've got is Rock Farm and Ponyville. No offense, Pinkie."

>PP:"None taken!"

>R:"Well, it's only a matter of time until Lady Luck sends one of you poor foals straight to Lady Rarity."

"Please, Rarara-

>R:"Don't call me that!"

"Rarity. We all know why you REALLY pick those board pieces."

>R:"They compliment my coat and mane?"

"They let you snuggle up around your old friend, TOM."

>R:"Why, you!"

"Hey, hey! No magic at the game table! Especially when you're trying to cut me with Community Chest! Besides, it's my turn again."

>Two 3's Everfree Forest

"Darnit."

>FS:"Um, Anon, it's OK. You don't have to pay my house fee if you don't want to."

"No Fluttershy, it's fine. Part of the game. I'm getting out of here anyway."

>Snake eyes. Zecora's Hut.

"...and I'm paying at your hotel, too."

>FS:"It was, um... nice having you over."

"Charmed."

>T:"even WITH the stars, it would take a thou-"

All:CAN IT, TWILIGHT!

 

 

 

>Day Singalong Song in Equestria

"You have got to be kidding me."

>"Come on Anon, you can do it!"

>Twilight egged you on with the rest of the mane 6.

>And half of Ponyville.

>In Canterlot.

>In front of Princess Celestia and Luna.

>So, apparently there was a national holiday an Equestria purely dedicated to singing.  The ponies had this magical way about them wherein they could pick up the tempo of any song and know the words.  You've seen it in action several times in Ponyville, so you know they're up for anything.

>Just one problem.  You don't know any songs.  Oh sure you remember tons of them, but you'd be a dam fool if you tried to nail the lyrics perfectly.  Twilight had put you on the spot, for as a 'citizen' of Ponyville, you had to contribute as well.  The Princesses were looking at you expectantly, and Twilight would be devastated if you let her down.  You don't want to, but...

>...It's the only song you know for sure.

>Do ponies even have these words?  You find yourself a wall to lean on to start.

"Fuck...Fuck...Fuck..."

>You get off the wall and start bobbing your head, occasionally swaying it side to side.

"Fuck Fuck Fuck.

>You can hear the ponies starting a hoofbeat.  For some reason, Big Mac instinctively walks over to you and leans up against the wall.  On two hooves, no less.

"Mother mother fuck, mother mother fuck fuck, mother fuck mother fuck noish noish noish. One, two, one two three four noish noish noish noish."

>The ponies have started singing with you, though turning to one another and raising eyebrows at times.

"Smokin weed, smokin whizz, doin coke, drinkin beers, drinkin, beers, beers, beers. Rollin fatties, smokin blunts. Whos smokes blunts? We smoke blunts. Rollin blunts and smokin..."

>Big Mac catches your eyes with a hoofpoint.  Rainbow dash walks up to you with Scootaloo behind her.  There's a quizzical look on Dash's face.  She puts her hoof out and starts saying words she's not sure of.

>"Hey Anon, uh, let me get a... nicklebag?"

>You give Big Mac a glance, who raises his eyebrows in interest.  You look back at Rainbow.

"15 bucks, little mare. Pay those bits, if you dare. If that money doesn't show me then you'll owe me owe me owe."

>You shoot a grin at Big Mac before continuing.

>"My jungle love! Yea, owee owee owee oh. I think I wanna know ya know ya..."

>Rainbow Dash is perturbed, but pulls out some bits and hands them to Big Mac, who then produces a nickbag for her.

>"What the hell are you singing?"

"You dont know Jungle love? That shit is the MAD notes! Writen by Luna herself-"

>You point up at Luna, who immediately blushes.

>"and handed down to the greatest stallion in the world - the mother fuckin Time Turner!"

>Scootaloo pipes up.

>Scoot:"You mean that guy in that Prance movie?"

>RD: "Yea, Purple Rein."

>Scoot:"That shit is so gay. Fuckin Gen 1's style"

>You raise your eyebrows at Big Mac, who shares your shock.  You immediately lunge at Scootaloo and pin her to the wall.

>Scoot:"Hey!"

"You NEVER say an unkind word about Time Turner!  Me and Big Mac model our whole fuckin lives around "More is Day" and "To Roam". I'm a SMOOTH pimp who LOOOooooves the pussy, and Big Mac here is my Zebra servant. WHAT?!"

>Shining Armour comes out of the crowd, causing you to put Scootaloo down.

>Shining:"What did I tell you two about dealing in Canterlot Square?  Now drop the filly and deal your wares somewhere else, monkey boy."

>You give Shining a death glare.

>Shining:"And for the record, Time Turner sucked ass."

>You clocked Shining in the face, spinning him round, then punted his ass into the crowd.  As you wipe your hands together, the crowd stares at you.

"Part of the song."

>You make a blunt using some of the shit you sold Rainbow, stopping by a stunned Twilight to get Spike to light it, then wade through the crowd.

>Today was a good day.

 

 

 

 

Day Hitting shift-period is Hard in Equestria

Rarity is taking Spike up towards Smokey Mountain for some gem hunting.  They're still paranoid as fuck about Diamond Dogs, but when you gotta fill an order, you gotta fill an order.  Making sure they see know burrow holes in the area, Rarity gets to work sweeping for gems.  Time goes on, and Rarity can't seem to find a single gem.  That and all the ground seems to be fine as silt.  This goes on for half an hour with disbelief from Rarity and hungry, whining groans from Spike.  When they reach the end of their quarry, they can hear sounds coming from over the rocks.

There's all kinds of ruckus coming from the next gem digging pit.  Fearful it may be Diamond Dogs, Rarity climbs the rocks slowly and silently, then peers just over the tip of them.  To her surprise, she finds a massive assortment of bipedal creatures mining, digging, and raking all over the quarry.  They looked similar to Diamond dogs, but had no muzzles, hunched shoulders, or real fur.  They seemed placid enough, so she left spike on the rocks and ventured down to ask for some gems.  Charm never fails, after all.

After multiple attempts at bothering workers, she found the creatures to be near automatons.  It was then she noticed one of the creatures heading to a podium with a megaphone.

"BLACK FRIDAY GEM SALE COME CLOSE.  WORK HARD FOR GEM NOW."

She headed over to the strange being.

"Excuse me, Sir, I was wondering if-"

"WANT GEM?"

"Well yes, you're just so good at getting them, and-"

"POUCH TWO DORRAR.  SCOOP FIVE.  PILE TEN.  BUCKET TWENTY.  CRATE FIFTY. MOUNTAIN ONE HUNDRED DORRAR."

"You OWN Smoke Mountain?!  And would sell it for one hundred of these... dorrars?"

"SECURE BUY NOW GOOD PRICE. 1-2 HOUR DELIVERY"

"Goodness!  Well, would you accept bits instead dorrars?"

Rarity holds up a bit to the strange figure, who inspects it and laughs.

"100 DORRAR 435000 BITS."

"F-for-four hundred THOUSAND?!"

"ALSO 35000 GOOD PRICE BUY TIME"

Rarity stammers, muttering incoherently to herself about dorrars and fabulousness before falling down, dazed.  When her eyes begin to focus again, she stares upside down at a well-suited biped who was approaching the speaker.  He pulls out a small black device, rubbing his finger across the front of it in different ways.  Suddenly, bits just begin OOZING out of him, the quarry echoing their chinking sounds a hundred fold.  As quickly as the bits appeared, they're sucked like a vacuum towards the megaphone biped, seemingly vanished from existence.  The megaphone wielding human yells something incoherently towards the other bipeds.  Some of them turn around, nodding, then move towards a MASSIVE open top crate of gems.  They place it on a wheeled cart and pull it over.  The well suited being gives Rarity a small glance, causing her to close her slack jaw, before moving over to the crate and talking with the other bipeds.  As they chatter, one of the tanner ones makes his way over to you.  He kneels down as he approaches to try and talk head-to-head better.

"Gibe mone pleeahzay."

The thing seems to be asking for something, but she really can't tell.

"I'm sorry, ehem, darling, but I've no idea what you mean."

The creature stands, raising an eyebrow.

"Aeiou?  Mone pleeahsay por Mordekaiser."

Rarity continued her broken conversation with the tan biped.  It was clear from his pantomiming he wanted something, but he seemed awfully frantic about it.  

"Brazil?"

"Braz - Brazier?  I don't see one in the area-"

"Gibe mone."

"Look, I'm sorry, but I don't have whatever it is you're looking for!"

"I repot you."

"I don't see any plants around here, either!"

The suit wearing fellow had finished his transaction and was preparing the crate to be taken out of the quarry.  Overhearing Rarity's conversation, her turned to the megaphone biped, presumably the leader, and pointed out the straying one near Rarity.  The megaphone one seemed angry, shouting something through the speaker system, which caused the tan one to stop pestering Rarity and move back to his work zone.  His fellow bipeds were waiting for him, making gestures and inquisitive tones.  The returning biped threw his arms up in the air, causing the surrounding miners to shout about hues.  Was there something wrong with its clothes?

The suited biped had begun moving past Rarity with the crate on wheels.  It was different from the others, sporting a emerald tinge on it's features.

"Excuse me, Sir"

The creature stopped his cart, letting go of it to face you.

"Yes?"

"How on Equestria did you produce those bits?  It seemed like quite the feat."

"That's easy.  Just move the internal game clock through the settings system."

"The..what now?"

"Here, let me show you."

The creature reaches with one of his Minotaur like hands into his suit, pulling out the black device from earlier.  He sets his finger in place, then turns to you.

"Look up."

Rarity obliges, curious as to why he'd have you took at the sk-

GOODNESS GRACIOUS THE SUN AND MOON WERE FLIPPING LIKE MAD!  The insanity came to a stop as fast as it started, leaving the sun just where it was moments ago.  You turned to the creature, mouth agape.  He puts the device back into his pocket.

"See?  Easy."

Rarity stands silent as he picks his cart up to move again.  He takes a few steps, wheels chruning in the dirt behind him, before stopping and looking towards her again.

"You know, you can have some of these gems.  I only needed 950 for Celestia anyway."

Her brain failing to process anything around her, Rarity mumbles out a "Oh yes, thank you." before magically holding a clump with hundreds of small gems.  Anonymous as he would tell her to call him, left the quarry soon after, whistling along the way.  Zombified, Rarity walked back to the quarry wall and made her way over the rocks to Spike.  

"RARITY!  Is everything OK?!  I saw the stars zooming around all over the place - do you think Discord broke loose?"

Worldlessly, she dumped a wad of gems in front of him before continuing on towards Ponyville.  Some time later, Rarity made it to the Carousel Boutique, dumping the assorted gems into a chest she then locked.  She walked to her chaise longue, too tired to pull it over, and threw herself onto it for rest.

Today was a long day.

 

 

 

There once was an Anon, his will to write frail

He begged us for stories to little avail

For begging's no time-skip, and the author's aren't paid

You'll sit there and wait though the writing's delayed

 

Quality is virtue, and quantity slop

Any fool can greentext, rainbro, or clop

A good story you wait for. A bad one, ignore

The best ones take longer, but build a rapport

 

So sit there but silent, make /formal/ request

All writers are working at Anon's behest.

Telling takes time, and tailoring more

The stories will come, AIE guarantor

 

 

 

>Wonderbolts think they're hot shit

>They don't know Obama

>You put on a massive hooded robe and make your way into one of their presentations, getting past the stands and into the field.

>Just as a trio of them make their low pass near the fans, you snatch the middle pony right out of the fucking air.

>Cackling madly, set pyrotechnics explode all around you, setting the scene in a ring of fire.  Johann Sebastian Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor plays the opening notes from otherworldly organs.

"Spitfire, welcome to some time in the future!"

>The Wonderbolt squirms in your grasp, flapping furiously to get free.

>"What the BUCK are you talking about?!"

"THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!"

>You release Spitfire, then immediately throw your robe, blinding her.  When she blinks her way back to sight, you've revealed your true form.  You stand in front of her, clad in black pants and shirt with a black leather jacket on, your hands in black gloves.  You rise above her, and she soon notices an uplifting force on herself as well.  Looking down, she finds herself on a floating scion disk.  The ground between you two quakes, a maw breaking loose from the Equestrian soil to spit out a strange orange and black board.  You throw a plastic bag filled with metal BB's at Spitfire who catches them idly, still staring shockingly at the rising board.  Raising your arms to gainthe crowds appeal, you shout to the heavens, the pyrotechnics blazing upwards alongside you.

"CROSSFIRE!"

 

>A musical beat begins to pick up, and all the ponies instinctively begin pounding there hooves along to it, singing the words.  You turn to Spitfire, placing two ball-set triangles onto the playing field and displaying how to load the BB Gun on the board.

 

>The game begins.

 

Wake up - in another dimenSHUN

Standing on a scion in perfect suspenSHIAAAWN

TheN - look UP! to see your greatest RIVAWL

YOU GAWTAH WIN, IT'S A FIGHT FOR SAVIVAHL!

 

CROSSFIYAH!  YOU'LL GET CAWGHT UP IN THE-

CROSSFIYAH!

 

CROSSFIYAH! YOU'LL GET CAWGHT UP IN THE-

CROSSFIYAH!

 

CROSSFIYAH!

CROSSFIYAH!

CRAAAWWWSSSFIYAAAAAAAAH!

 

It's a - death battle for a key to the paaa-ast

Your ammo is conNECTEHD to the fight can laa-hast

GUNZ blazin and the fire's HAAH-OUWT

YOU'VE GAWTAH WIN, SO GIVE IT ALL YOU GAAAAWGHT!

 

CROSSFIYAH!  YOU'LL GET CAWGHT UP IN THE-

CROSSFIYAH!

 

CROSSFIYAH! YOU'LL GET CAWGHT UP IN THE-

CROSSFIYAH!

 

CROSSFIYAH!

CROSSFIYAH!

CRAAAWWWSSSFIYAAAAAAAAH!

 

>As you shout out the final line, your gun's punishing barrage of BB pellets sends a triad into Spitfire's goal pit.  Her scion begins rotating, impossibly accelerating to ludicrous levels of speed before she vanishes from existence entirely.  You look to the spot where she once was, fire surrounding you on all sides as you begin fist pumping.

 

"YEAH! YEAH!"

 

>CRAWSFIYAH.  YOU'LL GET CAWGHT UP IN IT.

 

 

 

>Day Racist Barn Meta Humour in Equestria

>You've head over to Sweet Apple Acres to see how the extended family gig is coming together.

>Applejack is hopping up and down like mad.  She's still psyched about getting her own song piece today.  You'd seen her carrying a lyric board all around Ponyville for the last week, memorizing lines.  As you walk up to the house doors to greet her, she suddenly gasps.

>"CONSARNIT!"

>She shakes the lyric board in her hand like it insulted her, then throws it into the dirt.  Concerned, you let her steam off for a few moments before moving up to speak.

"Sheesh Applejack, what's got you boiled up?"

>"It's mah darn song!"

"Is there something wrong with the song?"

>"Read the song!"

"Is there something wrong with it?  Is the song too dull?"

>"Would you read the song?"

"What's wrong is the song too hard?"

>"Will ya just READ THE SONG?"

"Alright, I'll read the song!"

...

"Where's the chorus?"

>Applejack waves a hoof at you, knowingly.

>"Ah-hah...Ah-hah!"

>You raise an eyebrow quizzically, looking over the board to her.

>"There IS no chorus!  They wrote the darn song and didn't put a restin' period innit!"

"Well, that's a bit odd, but at least you still get to sing."

>"Ya don't get it, Anon.  The show's only twenty one minutes long - we gotta be at twenty-two!"

>Now this gets you confused, who the crap cared about one less minute?

"Or else what?"

>Applejack scuffed the ground, then began to speak in a low mutter.

>"Or else Hasbro's television rights deem the extra ad minute low-end and the space cheap to Gak suppliers."

"Fuck that."

 

>"So ya gotta help me, Anon!"

"How am I sposed to do that, get the writers to go over it again?"

>"We're airin' in thirty minutes - ain't got time fer that!  Anon, yer gonna have to write the chorus yerself."

>You were never a fan of unwarranted duties.  Flaring your arms out, you look at Applejack, aghast.

"Why should I have to do it?!"

>"I've got little song experience as it is, and I sure as Celestia ain't gonna try my hand at writin more!  Besides, I need you to write it down on the manuscript so we can have it on record for later."

>Applejack walks into house for a moment before returning with a quill and ink, placing the ink on the windowsill and hoofing you the quill.  Taking the quill from her, you eyed her suspiciously.

"And why can't /you/ write the lyrics down?"

>Applejack looked down at the ground again.

>"Ah got bad mfrhmhm"

"What was that?"

>"AH GOT BAD HOOFWRITIN', ALRIGHT?  Folks might not be able to tell what it is."

"Ah come on Jack, mines barely better than chicken-scratch, and quills instead of pens ain't helping."

>"Just do this fer me, will ya?  I'll give you first go at the cider next season?"

>A chance to buy and hold Apple Family Cider, even before Pinkie Pie got a taste?  Rationing it out, you could have quite a few ponies in your pocket for favors or coin.

"Deal."

>Applejack lets out a massive sigh of relief, then starts to walk off with a smile.

>"Thank ya kindly, Anon.  Just set the lyric board on the windowsill when you're done.  I've got to go see how the rest of the family is doin'."

>When she's out of sight, you look towards the lyric board, nibbling the quill a little in your mouth.

>That's when you realize you barely have any song experience yourself, either.

>Gak on a Hydra's balls this is bad.

 

>You rack your brain for any kind of fitting chorus, but nothing's coming to mind.  It didn't help that your sleep had been crap recently, what with having to explain to pinkie "Party in your Pants" was just a figure of speech.  Giving up somewhat, you opt to go with something simplistic.  Thinking back to your childhood, you try to remember what kind of stuff you liked.  You recall a children's show from the past, and as it bring a smile to your face, you get an idea of what to write.

>You scribble down some basic rhymes with somewhat of a strong ending chorus to change up the repetition.  Applejack probably won't notice the quality drop.  You also wrote in more screen time for that German Pony, because jesus fuck, dat German pony.  Your deed done, you made your way off the Apple farm.  You slow down a little, checking your surroundings to see if anyone is around.

>Nope...

>You start up a beat with your feet as you walk, matching up with a clap or leg pat here or there as needed.  Your legs kick the pebbles about in the dirt as your stepping pace increases.

"I...count...slowly, slowly, slowly getting faster.

Once I start in counting, it's very hard to stop.

Faster, faster, it is so exciting!

I could count forever, count until I drop!

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!  ONE TWO THEE FOUR

ONE TWO THE FOUR ONE TWO - I LOVE COUNTING!

WHATEVER THE AMOUNT!  ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

HEY-YEY-YEY-YEY HEY-YEY-YEY-YEY

ONE TWO THE FOUR ONE TWO - THAT'S THE SONG OF THE COUNT!

HEY!"

 

 

 

>Be Anon.

>Be in Equestria.

>Be in Ponyville.

>Pinkie pie immediately runs up to you, mouth gaping wide to say hello.

>Stomp a foot down her throat.

>Lyra comes by with Bon Bon and gasps at the sight of your form. Bon Bon gasps at pinkie on your foot.

>Stomp and punch.

>2 shoes and a mitten now.

>No they aren't dead, this is a cartoon show.

>They are making adorable squeaky noises though.

>Rainbow Dash, upon seeing the plight of her friends, surges down from the skies yelling at you. You catch her on your free right arm.

>You proceed into town with your pony armaments, beating Bon Bon and Dash on your chest to perform musical beats alongside your feet.

>The ponies come out of their houses, caught by your macabre musical display.

>Equestrian magics bid them to join with you in the music, despite their horrified minds.

>As Ponyville's population is forced to dance around you in circular patterns, Twilight shouts at you to explain yourself.

>You inform her of the "Squee" gland near the vocal chords of every pone. You grip these glands to produce the squeak sound for your music.

>It turns out Twilight called for Royal Guards before leaving her house via Spike, but they are quickly put under your sway.

>You get into the evacuation chariot they brought with them and bring the best squee glanded ponies along with you.

>Upon arriving in Canterlot, you make your parade march to the palace and into the throne room. You upgrade to royal glands, taking Blueblood and Fancypants as your low squee with Luna and Celestia as your high squees.

>The reign of Mad King Anonymous lasts one day, after which your arms and legs are too tired to continue musical production.

>You are exiled to the cold north, though your actions cause music writers to start involving squees.

>Three months later, you emerge in the Crystal Empire, taking over Cadence's realm, and use the Crystal Heart to drown the world in obedient Squee.

 

 

 

>Day Woke to Silence in Equestria

>This is quiet.

>Too quiet.

>Even for yellowquiet.

>It's eerie, really. You've gotten to used to the constant sounds. The light scuffling, the flap of a wing, or the sounds of feather and fur brushing against a surface as the owner tries to peer around a corner.

>Your days were mostly peaceful but there was always an incessant, though minute, disturbance.

>Each day, she would eventually approach fully, then ask the question.

>Each day, you would have the same reply.

>But today, silence. Complete silence.

>It wasn't serene. This kind of calm held mystery, not solace. You could track her before, like a constant radar blip in your head. In this dead zone, anything could happen.

>You slide off of the bed, letting out morning breath that could kill a dog. You should brush before you head out, lest Colgate accuse you of halitosis again. At least she provided you with all kinds of dental tools when you first arrived.

>Throwing some jammy/jumpsuit pants over your boxers, you make your way downstairs. The creaking of the floorboards beneath your feet provided background noise to settle your worries.

>You noted your heating system must be in working order since you repaired it after "are blanket snuggles your fetish" happened.

>They weren't, but it was still adorable.

>You scratch at your stomach as you enter the bathroom, then stretch both arms out for a yawn before taking toothbrush and toothpaste out of a nearby glass.

>Swishing around some antiseptic afterwards, then washing out your mouth, you dab at your chin with a towel while looking in the mirror.

>You don't remember putting on a scarf.

>Especially a ye-

"AAAH!"

>"Oh my-"

>You flail about, causing Fluttershy to flap her wings to keep balance while wrapped on your neck. Once you calm down, you can feel her soft fur laying against your back.

...

>"So, are Sloths your fetish, Anon?"

>Today was a Fluttercape day.

 

 

 

I respond to the following question:

>Suddenly Cheerilee shits next to you

Wat do?

 

If we're on earth, note it and explain that we have to clean up

If we're in Equestria, let it sit if it's outside

If we're in a public space, whisper and ask if that's normal

If we're in a hellspun dream...

>Think I'm Pacman and eat it like they're pellets, then pick her up, squeezing for more and dash around down with my pellet power.

>The disturbance is horrific and the ponies are freaking the fuck out as I rush about town devouring feces.

>Someone asks me what I'm doing.

>I say that if I knew Numemon had it this good I'd have done it years ago.

>Twilight freaks out and sends a panic letter to Celestia.

>I continue rushing around down squeezing pony butt cheeks for delicious power pellets.

>Celestia and Luna come down, trying to quell the disturbance.

>They're angry, but too horrified to act on it.

>I spy them and make a rush at them.

BIG PELLET TIME

>I take Luna and raise her into the air, her wings flapping wildy in a fit to escape.

>It's too late.

>The power pellet is mine.

>Suddenly, a robotic noise is heard around Ponyville.

>Everyone's mouth inexplicably goes squiggly.

>I turn to my right and devour Celestia.

>Whole.

>Her magenta eyes come back out of my mouth.

>They fly off into the distance.

>Everyone freaks the fuck out and runs for it, but I keep Luna braced under my arm as I give chase.

>After some time, she's seen too much, and asks why I don't just devour her as well.

>I state that she was already a weak ghost cuz of her colour.

>The tale comes to an end when the mane 6 all take part in helping pinkie bake a massive pretzel, which I attempt to devour, killing myself.

>As I lay in my own yeasty barf on the ground, my body rises into the air and contorts upon itself until nothing is left, and I vanish in a blink.

>Suddenly, the night sky overtakes the daytime, and all the stars rearrange in the sky.

>They create a high score game's board, and there is a flashing underscore next to a score of 99999999999999999.

>The underscores start taking letter form and the word ASS is spelled out.

>Today was an Arcade day.

 

 

 

I reply to an Anon asking "Fuck, how do I write guys?"

 

I like to get on a caffeine high and write the first wad of bullshit that surges into my mind. That starts me off, then I actually think about stories I'm working on.

 

>Day Bullshit in Equestria

>Meet a pony.

>He's a blank flank.

>He's all flankflustered cuz he can't into good story.

>"Aw man how do I write?"

>You put on a small smile and walk over to him.

"Hey, you need writing advice?"

>"I'd love some, yeah!"

>You kneel down to look at his work space. Just a small desk with parchment, ink and quill. The pony droops over it, staring depressingly at the blank page.

"Well, I've always lived by one set of rules."

>"What's that?"

"When something gets hard to do..."

>You lean over to the foal's ear

>And shout.

"You PUT YOUR DICK IN IT."

>Expertly having hidden your unbuttoning pants, you thrust directly into the foal's arse.

"UNF. UNF. YEAH. AW YEAH GURL."

>"EEEOH GOD! I'm a boy!"

"YEAH GURL."

>The foal screams in pain, unable to escape your massive man claws as you thrust.

"PICK UP THAT QUILL AND START WRITING."

>"Eeeeuuh what do I write?!"

"ANYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND. DO IT FAGGOT."

>"Ok, OK! Just please go slower!"

"NO BRAKES."

>The foal starts writing madly, covering line after line in shaky ink lettering.

"PUT SOME EMOTION INTO IT. YOUR CHARACTERS ARE TOO STOIC."

>"What emotion do I use?!"

"ALL OF IIIIIT."

>Your thrusting intensifies, the foal being dragged from the desk with each push and pull.

>"Ok, the first chapter is nearly done!"

"WRAP THAT BITCH UP."

>"I made a novel reference!"

"LOOKS GOOD."

>As he finishes, so do you, spending yourself in a ridiculous Japanese-styled explosion, but none landing on the page. Wiping off the foal, you look at his backside and see something on each flank.

>A book and quill.

"Looks like someone got their cutie mark. What's your name, kid?"

>The foal is dazed, passing out on the desk, but manages a reply.

>"Tra...True Story."

>You stand, slapping his behind as you leave.

"That's a cool story, True Story."

 

 

 

>Another glorious morning in Equestria. The grass rustles in a light breeze, the flowers bobbing as they await glorious day's embrace. The sun lilts on the horizon, just peeking over the top of a high hill, it's corona licking the air in a dark orange haze.

>Something was off, however. Instead of it's usual speedy ascendance, there was a pause. Erupting from the sun itself, soft but low, a disgruntled voice could be heard echoing across the plains.

"Do I /have/ to do this?"

>Little did the ponies below know, an argument was being had in Canterlot.

>"Yes, Anon!"

"Celesta, I haven't done this since I was a /toddler/"

>"And that's why you should do it now!"

"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ON CAMERA THEN!"

>"Anon you looked ADORABLE. You HAVE to do this - at least once!"

"Sigh... Fiiiiiine"

>Outside of Canterlot, the day resumed scheduled programming with the sun rising up.

>What they didn't expect, however, was the pouting face of Anon plastered across their glorious sphere. From out of the air, their ruler Celestia's voice could be heard.

>"Over the hills and far away, Equestrians come to play!

>On Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack appears from out of her barn. As her family appears, she counts them.

>"One, Two, Three, ... uh, Bic Mac?"

>Big Mac gets his fat arse up.

>"Four! Equestrians!"

"This is cruel and unusual punishment, Celestia."

>"Hush!"

>Applejack continues her routine.

>"Old Granny Smith, Big Mac, Lil' bloom, Me. Equestrians. Equestrians! Say hello!"

>As you scare the populace with your contorted faces of anguish, Celestia's titters draping across Equestria, you come up with an idea. Drifting the sun over to a nearby windmill, you begin blowing as hard as you can, sending it into a fiery spiral. Applejack and her family look up.

>"Uh oh!"

>As they run into their house, you're left floating about on the sun with a shit eating grin. Back in Canterlot, you take your head out of the scoping device.

"Yeah, never again."

 

 

 

 

WARNING: Not so Funny

 

>Write Petlestia, Anon

Yeah, OK.

 

"Celestia! Tck tck! Here, girl!"

>You place the gilded, name-engraved bowl on the grass. Out over the hill, you can see Celestia's ears perk up as you call here name.

>"That's right, girl, over here! Got some nummies for you!"

>Her wings unfold and she takes to the skies. Like a falcon, she thrusts herself high into the air before gliding into a dive. The dive is at a wide angle, as to stop before the bowl, and she already droops her head in anticipation.

>"Just a little further now, come on! Come get your-

GUELCH

>Her horn ruptures your neck, jutting through your voicebox to the other side. She kicks the tray away with her front hoof before raising her head to it's proper height. Your body is dragged along with it, legs dangling from off the ground.

"Kchh kck kha...."

>"I'm a sentient being, you despicable swineherd."

>She swings her head, rotating you like a helicopter propeller before apruptly stopping to let the moment fling you off. You roll down the hill, painting a red line from your neck's gouge before dying of blood loss.

>Celestia stares at your rolling corpse as it continues down the hill with gleeful contempt. She turns back to the golden bowl, eyeing it with some curiosity.

>"Always wanted a dog."

>She picks up the bowl in her mouth gingerly before flying back towards the castle, leaving your carcass for the birds.

 

 

 

 

 

Back to the funny now!

 

 

A guy in the thread says "Post vacuum stories"

 

>Day Unf in Equestria

>All dese ponays, but no peepoles

>How's a guy gonna get laid?

>Oh well, at least you have your dreams.

>This one's pretty kinky.  You've got sweet mama's of all kinds covering themselves with oils, jelly, and shit.  You stay away from the peanut butter bitches, though.  That shit don't end well.

>As you strump (that's strolling for strumpets) along over to the lathered ladies, hell bent on some jelly jumblies, a voice cries out in the distance.

>*Gasp*, "No, Anon!  The land of Equestria is filled with happy dreams of wonder, not of carnal desire!"

>Fucking wat.

>You turn around to see Luna leaping out of a bush (surrounded by nothing and conspicuous as hell expect you're in fucking dream land).  She looks red-faced, but determinedly disdainful at your booty creations.

>"We shall scrub out this error immediately!"

>Reaching into the bush, she pulls out...out...

>What the fuck is that.

>It's a fucking red bucket with a black hardhat, an elephant trunk of a nozzle, wheels, and a fucking FACE.

>The vacuum HAS A FACE.

>"Hello!"

"AAH!"

>IT FUCKING TALKS.  Luna throws it towards your sexy time friends.

>"Have at them, Henry!"

>"Oh boy!"

>The mutant fuckup of the century goes hurtling into the hoochies, sucking them into his giant nozzle.

>Worse yet, it starts singing.

>"I'm Henry, the Vacuum! I like to keep it clean!

>No bitches wet with margarine in pornographic dreams!

>I'm Henry, the Vacuum!  They call me Bitch's Bane!

>I'll clean them out with my big snout, but leave your bed's cum stain!"

>Luna joins in his merry jaunt, singing along and skipping.  As you scream incoherently at the disruption of your sexy times, you can feel the dream world peeling away.  With a last "Fuck youuuu", you drift back into consciousness.

>She made you pee the bed.

>The bitch.

>Tonight was a bad night.

 

 

 

(Anon posted a picture of Photo Finish in a cocktail dress sitting on a piano saying "Maestro, play my song")

>Dat picture

 

>Day pianist puns in Equestria

>You're having a pause in-between your performances at a slow night club when some jean-coloured bimbo cosplaying Jessica Rabbit with a garterbelt decides to lay sultrily on your piano.

>"Maestro, play my song."

 

>The fuck is this.

>The fuck even IS this?

>You can't even play the bitch in C minor because her legs are in the way.

>Fuck it. You place your fingers where you can, making a heavy bass background for your light-pitched ditty.

"You asked for it, lady."

 

"Could ya move your legs off of the fucking keys?

I need to feel up my, ivories.

I know your eyes are saying 'fuck me, please'

and ya want me in your, dungarees.

 

But I've got a song, yeah some music to play

If I wanna keep workin' and make my pay

Cuz it's green not blue that holds my sway

and I'm not getting in your denim vajayjay

 

Rock's my music, yeah rock's my soul

and though you want me to fill up every hole

I gotta tell ya, it's not on my payroll

So get off my keys and go take a stroll

 

If every mare that took my D

Was as slutty as you, well then I'd be

In the hospital ward with horse HIV

and a few creepy babies cookin up for me

 

How are you still here? Did I not make it clear

That I'm not gonna fuck you in the rear?

Just get off the keys, if ya fuckin please

and go sit back down, put my mind at ease

 

Oh thank dear Christ, no just thank Celestia

The song is done and I've got the best of ya

It's like every night there's some new mare

That just wants in Anon's underwear

 

You know what?

 

Fuck this job and fuck these keys

and fuck every one of you on your knees

and fuck this world of fucking toons

that just wants me to get inside of mare poons

 

I'm fucking done, that's what I said!

I'm quittin this job and going to bed

and if I wake in pony land

I'm gonna fuck Luna with a hot iron brand."

 

>You slam the keys with your firsts to end the song, immediately exiting the stage and out through the emergency door.