SlothAnon (Backburnered Work)

SlothAnon

     

     Life isn't a race - you take things slow.  You've always prided yourself in knowing when to move over moving as much as possible.  Sometimes, the best solution to a problem is to sit and wait it out.  Life taught you that, and you planned to die the way you lived.

Which is why you weren't among those running from the burning white temporal rift opening in front of you.  They fled, thinking to save themselves from the flame, but you knew such efforts were futile.  Rather than run from death, you embraced it with the action you knew best.  Sloth.

And see how your faith has been rewarded.

>Celestia rose from her slumber, the slight tinge of the Sun cusping over the horizon catching her eye.  It would soon be time to accelerate the great sphere, that it may continue its orbit around geocentric Equestria.  She shifted her hooves out from under her bed's fine down comforter, rolling her body that she may slide off the cumulus mattress and let the blankets slip off behind her.  Standing, she pushed her back hooves into the bottom of the bed, stretching all her legs out by moving forward with the other two and tensing.  Fanning her wings for good measure, Celestia gave them a good flap, and then rose fully.  It felt good to have so many kinks worked out in her joints, but the day had to come to a true start before could work at any more.  In order to that, she had to get dressed.

     

    >The Royal Raiment was more than mere jewelry.  It was a symbol of office, crafted by the finest pony smiths specifically for Celestia's form eons ago.  The gold and gems were without any impurities, the inlays masterfully crafted.  Celestia's hoof garments had seen the test of time, being worn thousands of miles worth of distance, yet showed no signs of age.  As it was imperative that a Princess look her most regal at all times - nothing could be left to chance.  This was why over a thousand years ago, Celestia had Starswirl the Bearded concoct an enchantment.  Once put on for the day, the Royal Raiment would not budge from its resting place.  It could rotate, shift with her hooves, and be lightly adjusted, but would never fall, nor could it be removed.  It was only once the Sun set and Celestia prepared herself for sleep that her garments could be taken away.  They were to be worn all together or not at all, as it would be improper to be seen in half uniform, and royals must pride themselves on foppish dress.  So strong was the enchantment and so brilliant Starswirl's work that there hadn't been a single wardrobe malfunction across all of Celestia's reign.  The sheer thought of undoing such an enchantment was unthinkable - it would take explosive amounts of magic to even come close.  

     

    >Sure of her old friend's handiwork, she began the daily ritual of adorning herself.  Levitating the hoof guards over, she placed them on, each one clacking on the marble floor as her legs pushed down and released them from her magic hold.  The breast piece was next.  Floating it over her head, she was careful not to strike her horn, angling it properly as it went.  Its cold touch caused her to bristle slightly, aiding in its own way to wake her up as the reassuring weight of the piece hung on her form.  She leaned her neck down, pulling the parts of her mane caught underneath the piece back out to flow freely.  Finally, Celestia raised her tiara from its plush, velvet pillow on the bedside counter and made to set it on her head just above her horn.  Just as she was about to place it, she was stopped by a strange sensation.  Her hairs were beginning to stand on end, fraying her mane.

>Static electricity?  Odd, she hadn't been scuffing her feet on and carpets, and the floor was marble.  There certainly couldn't be much charge from pulling the tiara off the pillow.  Shrugging it off, Celestia picked up a comb with her magic, moving the crown over so she could brush her hair back into place.  Unfortunately, the hair continued to rise back up after every stroke, eventually clinging to the brush itself as it built charge.  Disgruntled, she gave up, opting to just have her stylists deal with it later.

>That was about the time her tail started acting up.

>Worried now, Celestia tried to use her magic to kempt her hair by pressuring it down, and found that they were all being drawn to the same location.

>Directly above her.

     

    The time spent in the burning white temporal rift was short, or, perhaps it was long.  None can truly tell with these time-warping, reality altering devices.  What you did know was that it was indeed a rift - that became very apparent when you did not instantly die.  You drifted through the white-hot miasma, placid in your prison, for you had come prepared.  A neck pillow, a bottle of Mountain Dew, and the clothes on your person were all you needed.  If one must face the eternity that is their death, they may as well do it well rested and taste of life's sweetest nectar on their lips.  You rather liked the warmth emanating all around the rift, so you could not help but frown when a cold spot could be felt on your back.  Rotating yourself around, you noticed a pinprick of off-white in the otherwise pristine radiance of your rift.  For it was your rift - you had squatting rights.  

This perpetrator of perpetual brilliance widened itself, the off white's center turning blacker as it expanded until a faint suction could be heard.  The rift began to rip open, and you found yourself pulled towards the tear as everything depressurized around you.  Your body slowly drifted downwards to the blurry expanse where a glint of gold caught your eye.  Seemingly rising into the rift from the tear, you came across the most peculiar sight of a golden, gem-set tiara, which you picked up at the ends with your fingertips to observe.  You must have catalyzed something, as the light pull became a quick tug, and you soon found yourself losing grip of the tiara as your body collided with something below.

     

>This was a predicament.  

>As Celestia had peered above herself to observe whatever force was acting on her mane, the intensity of the pull increased.  She jumped slightly at the sudden pop of air when a brilliant white light came into being just overhead.  It struggled against itself, shooting crooked arcs of energy erratically out into the room.  Celestia was just about to move away when a bolt of light caught her magically held tiara, pulling it towards its hot center.  As it neared the core, her tiara seemed to phase out into a mist before disappearing entirely.

>Well, there would be none of that!  Though physically missing, Celestia could still feel the magical hold she had on her tiara.  She promptly yanked it downward, hoping to have it return from whatever mysterious place it was sent.  What she didn't expect was for it to not come alone.  From out of the white rift came the glint of her golden tiara, but also the black shadow of another object.  It became more refined as it fell with the tiara, but suddenly gained speed upon exiting the rift.  The tiara fell directly in place on Celestia's head, but her eyes caught a blur of movement, and her knees bent at a sudden increase in weight on her back.  Looking round, she took sharp breath at the sight that met her.

>A four-limbed creature clad with something round its neck and clothing had its appendages limply swinging at the side of each of her legs.  As the creature lifted its head off her coat, it met her bemused stare with a tranquil one of his own.  They stayed like that, Celestia with mouth agape and Anonymous with a slight frown, for several moments before Anonymous used his free hand to make a small waving gesture.

"Hello."

     

>You had stated your greeting calmly, not wishing to startle the creature you found yourself on.  The equine-like being held its shocked stare, its mouth struggling to produce some form of sound.  You could feel its body beginning to quake slightly beneath you, clearly unable to cope with the circumstances.  Perhaps a compliment was in order?  That always seems to settle things a bit.  Grasping - quite literally - at something to comment on, you found your hand met a strange, flowing substance.  As you twiddled your fingers in the rainbow stream, you found it connected to the equine in question.  Not smiling, as you didn't want to be taken as creepy, you spoke.

"I really like your mane."

>You turned to her gaze again, which was still awestruck.  With nothing left to say, you bided for time by taking your Dew bottle in both hands, having a sip, and then twisting the cap back on.  You break eye contact and pinched a little at the fine white hair beneath you.

"Coat's nice too."

>That's when the bucking started.

>"GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IF OFF!"

>The mythical equine had begun kicking madly in an attempt to force your dismount.  She bashed about what you came to understand to be a bedroom, judging by the plush square area with canopy and wide walking space which you currently hurtled through on horseback.  Though you had no particular reason to deny her wish that you remove yourself, dong so at this stage would surely end in harm.  You wager you've invaded some privacy due to the room's setting, and attempt to remedy the situation.

I apologize for my intrusion, but I'm sure we can talk this out."

The horse continues to scream.

"There is no reason to be upset."

     

>Time went on, and your radiant carrier seemed to tire herself.  You lay slumped, silently, for some time, not wishing to immediately scare her again.  As her heavy breathing began to stabilize, you took another drink from your bottle, wetting your throat to speak.  The soft "pssht" of escaping air caused your companion's ears to perk up.  She turned to see your risen form, now sitting properly in the rider's position.  Holding your bottle to the side again, you look back at your otherworldly acquaintance.  The contempt on her features was evident as she regarded you as one would an unswattable fly.  You blinked slowly, showing no reciprocated sense of annoyance, then spoke.

"I believe introductions are in order.  My name is Anonymous."

>"Princess Celestia."

"I've never met royalty before.  Then again, I've never met a... what you are, either."

>"Alicorn."

"Ah."

...

>"And you?"

"Human."

...

"Would you like me to-"

>"Yes."

>"Certainly", you mutter as you make your way off of the Alicorn, temporarily placing your bottle just above the small of her back.  Swinging your leg over her side was far more difficult than you imagined.  Perhaps gravitational pull was stronger wherever the rift had sent you.  Shrugging it off, you made to hop off of her back with a push of your hands, which too seemed to defy you.  You wrenched one hand away, but could not remove the other.  Perplexed, you stepped towards the ground only to find your legs rotated round the equine, now resting on her stomach.  It took you placing both hands back on her side in order to get your legs upright.  You attempted to pull both hands away, but to no avail.  Moving one away caused a tug at your legs, and vice versa.

"It would seem I cannot keep away."

>"And why not?” she asked incredulously.

     

"You're very attractive."

This causes an immediate blush to form on the Alicorn as she stammers.  You pay no mind, still attempting to remove yourself.

"Exceptionally so.  Observe."

Holding her back with both hands, you brace your right foot against the Alicorn's side.  Carefully, you remove one hand as you tilt back and leave the ground with your left foot, having it drift upwards and set adjacent to the right foot, then removed your other hand.  You stood sideways like that for some time, arms crossed, before stooping back towards the mare and plucking your Dew bottle.  You had to admit, this had its perks, as you didn't even need to tilt your bottle anymore, just twist, drink, and close.  You readily do so, observing only a few sips remain, then look "downwards" to regard the Alicorn.  She's lost her blush and gone back to being dumbfounded.

"At least I can keep my hands off you."

With little to do to console the mare, you decide to stretch yourself out, working the kinks in your system.  A shoulder pop here, an arm roll there.  You find the mare still boring into you, and offer a shrug.

"Well, it's a fine morning."

>Celestia's eyes widen at some sudden realization, instantly leaping into action by rushing towards the balcony.

>"The Sun!"

>Normally, you would contemplate such a sudden statement and try to dissect it for meaning.  Unfortunately, you were now the lengthy sideways obtrusion of a moving horse heading full gallop towards a balcony.  As you approach the bedpost, you wonder if the corner columns are made of mahogany or teak.  Upon closer inspection, you find them to be redwood, and nearly topple over the bed as your body is thrown at them – such extravagancy!  Clocking your head on the outside wall for good measure, your host made her way to the balcony edge.

     

>Now, you’d like to say what followed was a delusion of the mind.  You did, after all, just get bludgeoned by hardwood three times across multiple parts of your body.  Your host had run out the balcony to catch the rising Sun.  A beautiful, somewhat romantic scene, if it were not for two things.

>One, your battered form, swinging from the side of her, incapable of forming a comprehensible comment.

>Two, that fact that Celestia had quite literally caught the Sun.  From your vantage point, you saw the Sun begin to decelerate in its ascension.  Whips of flame shot off the sphere into space before it seemed the almost plummet out of place.  The ground around you seemed to vibrate, the white coat you were attached to becoming a surprisingly strong heat source.  A few pebbles clatter about on the ground as you begin to hear a strange, ethereal ringing.  Looking to Celestia, you see her horn has been basked a yellow, sparkling light.  It fluxes gently around the surface, coming to a bright light at the tip.  The Sun stops its slow plummet and starts accelerating, following Celestia’s horn as she slowly tilts up her head.  Celestia's horn dims as the Sun comes to a near-noon position, the heat you felt quickly fading away.  Celestia lets out a deep sigh of relief and stares out towards the Sun.

>"That was too close..."

>Your attempt at a reply comes out as garble, causing the princess to turn to your disoriented body.  The red stain across your forehead and swaying form makes the collision with her bed posts apparent.  She blushes at her actions, giving a sheepish smile of apology.  Collecting yourself, you make another attempt at response.

"What on Earth was that?"

     

>"Equestria."

"Pardon?"

>"You're in Equestria, not Earth.  That term fell out of use in the provinces with Puddington."

>You blink, slowly.

"Right.  What did you just do?"

>"Rose the Sun.  It's my main job alongside governing my little ponies.  My sister raises the Moon."

>You blink, slower.

>Holding a palm up for Celestia to pause, you walk in orbit around her, stopping at her back legs to grab the Dew bottle from the start of the balcony.  It fell during her mad dash to the outside, but thankfully there wasn't enough left for fizzing up to be an issue.  Staring into the bottom of the green, plastic bottle, you twirl the last vestiges of your precious liquid, watching it flow about the five humps of the container.  Returning to your sideways position, you open the bottle, drinking all that's left.  The cold  soda soothed you as it left your tongue and ran down your system.  It helped you come to terms with what you were hearing.  You take a deep breath, recapping the spent bottle, then look away from it to a perplexed Celestia.

"I'm willing to accept that now."

>Celestia doesn't say anything.  In her silence, you opt to raise your bottle for a question.

"Tell me, do you have these in Equestria?"

>You flick the bottle, its empty sounds horrifically evident.

>"I've never seen anything like that container, though the shape reminds me of a sarsaparilla bottle."

>You grimace.

"So you don't have Sprite?  Pepsi?  Coca-Cola?  Sierra Mist?  Seven Up?  Canada Dry?"

>Celestia shakes her head.

>"Never heard of them."

>You absentmindedly drop your bottle.  Celestia stares at you with concern.  You don't look mortified or scared, nor do you look devastated.  You just look... lost.  Soulless.

>"Anonymous?"

"Your world is a far crueler place than I could have ever imagined."

     

>You lay in stupor, stomach up on Celestia's back.  You felt yourself lift and dip with each breath she took, your arms dawdling to either side.  As you came to terms with your soda lacking state, your mind settled on your current predicament.

"Celestia?"

>Celestia raises her head, opting not to turn her neck fully round to speak.  

>"Yes, Anonymous?"

"You said you moved the sun with your magic."

>She nods, you catching the notion in the movement of her hair.

>"My daily duty, yes."

"Where I'm from, the Sun is a massive thing.  A miasma of incandescent plasma.  If your magic can move that, surely you can move me off of you?"

>You turn over and look towards Celestia in time to catch her facehoofing herself.

>"Why, didn't I think of that..."

"You've been having difficulty coming to terms with recent events?"

>Celestia cocks an eyebrow at you, to which you can only answer with a half-managed shrug.

"S'true."

>"Easy for you to say.  Now hold still."

>Celestia's horn begins to glow, a white-yellow aura surrounding you.

>You feel a... familiarity.

     

    Anon turns out to be a magic eater.  Celestia's magic tastes like Hi-C Blast's Orange Supernova.  They find that the magic she casts cannot remove him from her.  It's at this time Luna comes into the room from the fact that the Sun rose late today.  She see's Anon as a horrific parasite that's come to attack her sister and tries to pull him away.  Much to Anonymous' delight, it turns out that Luna's magic tastes like the discontinued Mountain Dew: Pitch Black.  Despite her angry visage, he immediately becomes endeared to her, as she is the only bastion of delicious Dew on this hellish, pastel landscape known as Equestria.  There's a little scene along the lines of

     

    >Celestia: "Well what about me?"

    "Eh, your magic is OK."

    >"That's not fair."

    "I think someone is just jealous about not being best Princess."

     

     Of course, there's also the fact that Anonymous learns that the entire night sky is thanks to Luna's magic.  The stars and space itself fall beneath her influence.

     

    "My God... it's full of Dew."

     

    Celestia, Luna, and Anon settle down for a thinkhard session, in which they realize Anonymous is tied to the rest of the Royal Raiment.  It is impossible to remove him in all the same ways.  Celestia is aggravated by this, but won't tell Anonymous why.  All he comes to understand is that there's a matter of time pertinence.

     

    A day rolls by with Celestia delaying her royal duties.  An "aliens specialist" is brought in from Ponyville to figure out if there's a way to remove you magically or send you back where you came from.  It turns out to be Lyra (OH BIG FUCKING SURPRISE GUIZ. WOAH. SHEEEIT. DAM.), who does her whole oggle the human routine, albeit not lust-filled. She spends most of the day talking to Anonymous until eventually she picks up a parchment and quill to begin  writing.

     

    That's about the time Anonymous notices her magic is green.

     

    "Your horn."

    >"Hm?"

    >Lyra continues to scratch a few things down about Anonymous' figure onto paper.

    "Your horn is green.

    >"Heh, yep it is!"

    >She says this giving a little swirl of her head.

    "Your magic is green."

    >"Yeeeaaah?"

    "So hit me."

    >Lyra puts the paper down.

    >"Sorry, what?"

    >You take your left sleeve and pull it up, leaving the naked side of the arm outstretched towards Lyra.

    "Come on, hit me with what you got.  Give me the stuff."

    >"Umm... I don't..."

    >Celestia lets out a a sigh, turning to Lyra.

    >"He wants you to shoot him with magic, Lyra."

    >"What?!  Why would anyone want that?"

    >You slap your left arm's skin with your right hand, gaining the attention of both of them.

    "Come on, Lyra, don't hold out on me.  I know you got the goods.  Hit it up!"

    >You bite into your left sleeve, right hand holding the left arm out.  You give an eyebrow wiggle for good measure.

    >"This is...really weird."

    >"Just do it, please, Lyra."

    >"But.."

    >"The only way he's going to stop is if you shoot him.  He'll be fine."

    >The mint mare backs up a little as she stands up, he horn growing to a brighter aura.

    >"Ok, if you guys are sure."

    >The spell slams into you.

    >The sleeve drops from your mouth.

    "HOH YEAH, BABY!  CRANK IT UP!"

    >YES. YES!  GOD YES!

    >IT'S NOT DEW, BUT IT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!

    >You slump down on Celestia's back, motioning to Lyra to keep the stream up.  Celestia turns to you with a slight smile.

    >"How are you feeling, Anon?"

    "Oh, I'm mellow.  Mello Yello, to be exact."

    >You lazily smile at both mares, your body taking in the sweet substitute for your Dewy substance.

     

    So Anonymous and Lyra become pals, with Anonymous begging for Lyra to stay when the day comes to a close.  Celestia agrees, as to keep Anonymous in a state of complacency.

     

    At the start of the next day, there is a council meeting Celestia can no longer put off.  She opts to wear an old battle raiment - untouched since the days of Discord and Pre-Equestria - and claims to be having it refurbished and polished.  As it is horse armour, it comes with the metal drapes clad all around it, which Anonymous must hide beneath.  Needless to say, Anonymous is not happy about being left in darkness while being gravitationally forced into hugging Celestia from her underside.  Celestia has to go through with the meeting with an already disgruntled host of nobles.  With Anonymous squirming about trying to get comfortable underneath her, she snickers at highly inopportune times.  Blueblood, being somewhat close to his auntie as a whiny child would be, takes note more than the others.

     

    Meanwhile in Anon Town, Anonymous has been trying to settle in the darkness, as he can't hear what the hell is going on outside.  While he shifts about, his feet come across an odd sensation.  A bump in Celestia's fur.  Turning himself round, he inspects the bump with his hands, testing it's somewhat orbular shape.  Anonymous comes to the realization that a tick has come to rest on Celestia's glorious hide, likely getting there from the old raiment.

     

    Meanwhile, Celestia is trying to conceal a growing blush as she shuffles wit her hooves.

     

    Anonymous concludes there is not one, but TWO ticks defiling the pure white of Celestia, and they must be dealt with expediently.  He tries to force them away, blows and tugs, but they're stuck on tight.  He attempts flicking, hoping that the sudden force will wrench their nasty little teeth out and send them flying, but to no avail.  It's at this point in time that anon goes for the ultimate sacrifice - he'll try to clench the bastards with his teeth.

     

    Upstairs in the land of Equestria, Celestia has made a hasty exit from the council after meeting her absolute minimum of duties and rushes down towards more empty palace halls.  Little does she know, Blueblood has followed her out of concern, and is especially weirded out as he hears his auntie talking to herself.

     

    >"ANON.  WHAT IN /MY/ BLAZES ARE YOU DOING?"

    >The battle raiment around you rattles fiercely. It would appear the Princess wishes to consult.  You scuffle round towards where you heard the voice strongest and speak through the neck hole.

    "You've got ticks down here!  I'm trying to get rid of them - you should really store your clothes better so they don't get bugs like this!"

    >"Ticks?!  What the-"

    "I've almost got them, I'll be right back-"

    >"NO! Anonymous, NO.  Those are NOT. TICKS."

    "...Then what are they?"

    >"We're not getting into that."

    "But"

    >"NOT. NOW.  I've got enough damage control to deal with already."

    >Hoofsteps can be heard on the marble floor, Celestia turns around to see Blueblood coming towards her.

    >"Auntie, is everything alright?  I heard voices, yours mostly.  Are you talking to somebody?  Is everything alright?"

    >Celestia manages a soft smile, years of courtly practice kicking in.

    >"Of course, my dear nephew.  Everything is fine!  I've just been a little itchy in this old raiment and recent /pressures/ have been getting to me."

    >She accents this by rocking her raiment around and giving a quick kick of the hoof to her underside.  There's an odd muffled noise.  Blueblood closes in, still concerned.

    >"You acted /highly/ irregular in council today, Auntie dearest.  Are you sure there's not anything else bothering you?"

    >Celestia takes a sharp breath.

    >"Oh, I can think of some things."

    >Her complexion calms.

    >"But nothing I can't handle, Blueblood.  Preparations for the ceremony and such."

    "Ceremony?"

    >There's that noise again, and Celestia gives a quick scratch at herself.  Blueblood raises an eyebrow while looking down towards Celestia's hooves.

    >"Er, yes... the ceremony.  I'm sure the Captain and Mia Mora Cadenza's wedding will go swimmingly under your watchful eye."

    >Celestia nods.

    >"Yes, under my raim - AHEM - watchful eye, yes.  Thank you, Blueblood."

    >Celestia puts on the best smile she can muster, and the two equines stare at eachother for a time, Blueblood unsure about how to proceed, and Celestia trying to be be rude in asking for his leave.

    >It isn't long until Celestia starts strained giggle fits again.

    >"Celestia?"

    >Another strained noise.

    >"Is something the matter?"

    >She looks towards Blueblood fearfulyl for a moment.

    >"No! Haha! No - just-"

    >She gives herself another kick and turns away.

    >"Stop it!" she hisses to no one in particular.  Blueblood puts a hoof down, clacking it to the marble floor.

    >"WHO are you talking to, Auntie?"

    "Oh, that's IT."

    >Suddenly, Celestia's battle raiment makes all kinds of clanging sounds.  It's battered about as if she was kicking madly from underneath, but her feet are as stuck as her shocked stare. A few of the armoured links begin to slump, and the draped bottom become undone as something causes locks to undo in the settings.

    >As the drapes fall to the floor, a horrific mash of flesh and coloured cloth scrambled about Celestia before resting atop back, legs locked to each side.  It stares, angrily, before pointing to its chest.

    "She's talking about ME."

     

    ...

    ...

     

    >"I can explain thi-"

    >"ASSASSIN!"

    >Blueblood leapt at the aberration, attempting to knock it off of his beloved aunt.

    >"INVADER!  ASSAULT!"

    >"Blueblood!  What are you doing?! Blueblood, stop!"

    >Blueblood's horn shines a blue-tinged white, his magic surrounding Anonymous.

    >"OFF, YOU ABOMINATION!"

    >Anonymous begins gagging, retching up the magic his body attempted to devour.

    "OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP."

    >Blueblood magic vibrated spastically about Anonymous until Celestia slapped him across the face with a hoof.

    >"CONTAIN YOURSELF, Blueblood!"

    >Getting over the sudden shock, Blueblood goes into stutters.

    >"B-but Auntie.  That - that thing!"

    >"It's a /long story/, Blueblood.  He's harmless."

    "Blegh!  ACK!  I can still taste it!"

    >"The council should know about this immediately!"

    >Celestia runs around him, stopping is fleeing body.

    >"The council will know NOTHING about this, Blueblood!  Or so help me, I'll tell everyone about your little night soirées with the help!"

    >"N-no one knows about that!"

    >"They are MY maids and they report TO ME, Blueblood.  I honestly can't believe you tried to swoon Feather Duster, she's far to smart for charm like that."

    "Burn!  Ah, oh God, it's still there."

    >Blueblood stares daggers at you, though a blush covers his face.  He tries his magic on you again in an attempt to shake you.

    "DEAR LORD IT'S TERRIBLE.  IT TASTES TERRIBLE.  MAKE IT STAHP!"

    >"Blueblood!"

    >His magic cuts off immediately, shaken by the tone in Celestia's voice.

    >"Anonymous, don't harass my nephew.  That's my job."

    "Easy for you to say, you're not tasting this."

    >"What are you going on about?"

    "His magic!  It's sparkling water!"

    >"So?"

    "It's god awful!  He has no taste, Celestia! HE HAS NO SOULLLL."

    >You cling to Celestia's neck, words hissing with head outstretched towards Blueblood.

     

    So Blueblood is blackmailed into shutting the hell up, but Anonymous finds out that Celestia is trying to remove him because she has a wedding to be the priest for, and she doesn't want the entirety of Canterlot freaking out over Anonymous' presence.  Well too bad, because the wedding is two days away.  Anonymous begrudgingly spends the next days beneath Celestia in a gown which she claims is her dress for the wedding ceremony.  He contests her consistently about Cadence and Twilight Sparkle, as he thinks the pieces add up.  Celestia defends her relative.  In the ultimate scene where Chrysalis reveals herself to Canterlot, Celestia doesn't go for the direct approach, instead opting for a sneak attack because of Anonymous.  Unfortunately, Anonymous can't keep his big mouth shut, and yells an insult towards Chrysalis.  Chrysalis thinks Celestia said it, and challenges her on the spot.  Forced to fight in the public eye, Celestia rises into the air only to have Anonymous scramble round and sit atop her.  When anonymous gets a good look at the Changeling Queen and her charging spell, his eyes go wide.  He throws his hand out to the oncoming green blast, and proves his intuition right.

     

    Changelings live in the mountains of the Badlands.

    Changeling magic is green.

    It's fucking Mountain Dew.

     

    >He immediately Thrusts his mouth into the ray, shouting for more.  Chrysalis gets angrier and supplies, and despite Celestia's warnings, Anonymous eggs her on.  Sure enough, Anon has to stop for a moment to swallow down his precious Dew, and the spell hits Celestia full force, knocking her out.  As the mane 6 rush out to get the Elements of Harmony, Anonymous find himself free from Celestia.  Thanks so the massive magic barrage and Celestia's knocked out state, Anonymous is free from his stuck position.  He uses this to immediately begin pestering Chrysalis about hitting him up with more magic, which Chrysalis denies.  Anon weirds her out, insulted her earlier, and she's already got enough to deal with.  Unfortunately for Chrysalis, Anon is immune to every attempt at stopping him.  Changeling goop is a no go, spells won't work, and he's too big compared to drones for them to pose a threat.  That, and using any magical means against him makes him HAPPY.

     

    >"This day is going to be perfect."

    "It is? Because I don't seem to be getting any Dew-age over here."

    >"SHUT UP, YOU THING!"

    "Human.  Seriously, that's inconsiderate."

     

    The Elements comeback, Shining and Cadance do their thing, and just as Chrysalis is being thrown out by the force, Anonymous rushes towards her and grabs onto a hoof.

     

    "It's a good thing you've got these holes, otherwise I might have lost my grip!"

    >"ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME."

     

    So Anonymous is blown the fuck away from Canterlot alongside Chrysalis, still begging for magic mid Team Rocket Blastoff. After losing her love connection with Shining and getting thrown out, Chrys needs some emotion, and it appears Anonymous would love anyone and anything that would satisfy is Dew-y desire.  She finally concedes to shooting him up, and Anonymous goes into a near euphoric state as a result, his emotion feeding the Changeling Queen and helping heal some of the damage she'd taken.  As he flies along in this Euphoria, Anonymous notes that Chrysalis is getting farther away.  For some reason, he's slowing down.  His Dew stream is cut off.  He looks down at himself, and sees that he's wrapped in a familiar yellow-white aura.

     

    "No."

    >You flap your arms, trying to provide forward acceleration.

    "No no no."

    >Chrysalis pulls farther away, becoming more obscure with each passing second.

    "NO NO NO NO NO!"

    >She's barely a black spot on the horizon now, and you swing about madly, trying anything to stop flying backwards.

    "NO GOD DAMMIT NO.  I NEED HER.  I NEED IT.  I NEED THIS.  NO NO NO NO DAMMIT WHHHYYYYYYYYYY-"

    >Celestia begins to open her eyes on the cold Canterlot floor.

    >She stands, finding herself surrounded by changeling cacoon goop and familiar faces.

    >Shining, Cadence, and the Elements all look to her with concern.  She smiles, shaking her hooves to remove more of the goop.

    >As she begins to walk, she feels an odd tugging at her body.

    "-YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

    >Your form decelerates as it enters the window of the Canterlot church.  Slowly, you drift down towards Celestia, the last bit of your scream echoing in the halls.  The enchantment places you carefully on Celestia's back, rider style, which you then break out of as you slump forward. to rest on Celestia's neck.

    "I hate this world."

    >Twilight Sparkle looks at you inquisitively.

    >"Celestia, who's that?"

    "This world hates me."

    >"Eh... His name is Anonymous, Twilight.  He's with me."

    "I hate everything."

    >The pink one jumps about.

    >"Ooh! OOH!  Is he a new friend?  Are we all meeting him?!"

    "Everything hates me."

    >"I suppose you are, Pinkie Pie."

    "God is dead."

     

    >Today was going to be a long, slow day.