Anon On a Bike: 4

>*beepbeep* *beepbeep* *beepbeep*

>...

>You are Anonymous.

>You've been having a lot of crazy dreams.

>You remember being chased by something, then there was something about apes and magic.

>But now that you're slowly awakening, you can just write it all in your journal and not worry about it.

>You shift on your stomach slightly, and you feel something wrapped around your lower back.

>Your right arm, straightened out by your side, lifts up to feel what's there.

>It's a bit sore, but you can move it.

>Your hand feels tight bandages.

>Parts of it feel different, like it got damp, then dried.

>It's not hurting, so maybe whatever the wound was had healed.

>You'll have to check later.

>Now's the time to get up...

>*beepbeep* *beepbeep* *beepbeep*

>To turn your fucking watch off.

>Slowly fighting against your usual morning grogginess, you push yourself up, throw away the heavy covers, and slide off the right side of the bed to go to your desk.

>...

 

>?

>You feel around.

>...There is no desk.

>The hell?

>You open your e-

>You're momentarily blinded by the sun.

>You turn away with spots in your eyes.

>You take a moment to recover before realizing your still-beeping watch is on your wrist.

>Weird, normally you take your watch off when you sleep.

>/"Oh well."/

>You turn off the alarm and look around.

>/"First off, how is the sun above these trees at 6:30 in the morning?"/

 

>Wait...

>You remember this room.

>Yeah, it's that other cottage up north.

>You can't recall how you know it's a cottage up north, but there are more important matters right now.

>For instance: why are you naked?

>You always have boxers or something on while sleeping.

>You know something's up, but you just can't figure it out.

 

>...Oh hey: running clothes.

>You walk across the dainty room to the chest your clothes are on.

>/"Don't see any other clothes, so these'll do."/

>With your brain on autopilot, you put your light and neon clothes on without incident.

>You finish by stuffing your headphones in one pocket.

>Before dropping your iPod in the other pocket, you check its charge.

>A quarter of the battery is left.

>Hopefully you can find a charger soon, otherwise it'll get boring fast without your music.

>You look to the stairs in the corner of the room, and you wonder what's downstairs.

>No point standing around now.

>Being careful not being too loud with your shoes on, you slowly descend the wooden stairs.

>As you carefully step down, you hear the fading sound of hooves on wood, then a door closing.

>Oookay...

>You clear the second floor and look in what appears to be the living room.

>You're greeted with the oddest of sights.

 

>Critters, critters everywhere.

>There're squirrels on the green sofa.

>There're bluebirds on the cuckoo clock.

>There're chipmunks stuffing their mouths with acorns by an unlit fireplace next to the stairs.

>A single, cartoony-looking rabbit is laying on the rug in front of the sofa, nibbling on a carrot.

>You're so befuddled by what you're seeing, you misstep and the wood creaks loudly under your shoe.

>Every living thing snaps its head towards you and freezes.

>Silence.

>Ever so awkward silence.

>You don't know what to do.

>What do you do?

>The rabbit answers by taking its half-eaten carrot and chucking it at you.

>You duck and the impromptu projectile slams into the wall behind you.

>You straighten up and glare right at the offending rodent.

>Somehow the creature recognizes that you're looking very pissed off.

>He begins to slowly take a step back when everyone hears a particularly empty sound coming from your stomach.

>You look down, then back up at the rabbit.

>He's shaking.

>Your frown turns into a sadistic grin, and you allow a bit of teeth to show.

>That sends every one of the critters scampering and flying out the open doorway on the opposite side of the room.

>You wait for all of them to disappear before shrugging and following them through the opening.

>You navigate through the cottage and find yourself in the backyard.

>At least you think it's the backyard; you can't see any roads.

>Then you spot all of the pens.

>Several pens, fencing, and what appears to be a chicken coup are spaced out in an impressively large open lot.

>Then there are the animals themselves.

>You recognize the diverse lot of them: chickens, pigs, more rabbits, and more types of birds in the trees than you care to count.

>You look closer, and they seem to be like the rabbit: cartoony.

>You don't know what, but they seem...off with the way they look.

>Actually, everything looks off.

>You prepare to venture further when you hear another door opening.

>It sounds like it's coming from the front of the cotta-

>"Alright, Fluttershy, where is he?!" says a prepubescent voice, followed by several whooshing noises.

>/"...What?"/

 

>You hear a multitude of hooves on wood along with girls talking.

>You're not surprised that whoever lives here has horses, but in the house?

>You could only rationalize that a bunch of spoiled daughters have ponies with them.

>But a little listening in won't hurt.

>You go back inside while taking light steps.

>You hear the many "hoovesteps" fade, presumably upstairs.

>You're not sure how this'll go.

>Hopefully if the girls find you, you can explain yourself.

>But you don't want to be swarmed by a bunch of girls and their pets.

>You decide to hide until you can figure out who owns this place and talk with them.

>It might be this "Fluttershy" girl.

>By this time you're in the room adjacent to the living room, and you hear several gasps from upstairs.

>Sounds like they realized you're gone.

>They're gonna be searching for you, and the confrontation will be awkward as fuck.

>Time to get moving.

>You turn towards the door, but then you feel something...something in your pants.

>You look down, and there's an unnaturally large bulge.

 

>That wasn't there before.

 

>Whatever's in there is making you feel VERY uncomfortable.

>You hesitate before reaching down to see what it is.

 

>Turns out you didn't have to, for something impossibly pink and poofy pops out, with an audible *pop*.

>It shakes its head, opens its huge blue eyes to look up at you, and smiles.

>"Hi!"

 

>NO

 

>You grab the thing by its ears, pull it out of your pants, and fling it at the doorway.

>It hits the side and pings like on a pinball machine, bouncing into the living room and out of sight.

>There is a pause before hooves start thundering down the stairs.

>That's the last thing you hear before you burst out of the back door and start running.

>You need to get away.

>You don't want to think about what just happened.

>Just get away.

>You sprint towards the nearest trees, past the chicken coop.

>The cottage's back door opens just when you get to the closest tree.

>You hide behind it, staying low and doing you're best to keep your arms and legs out of sight.

>It's been a while since your last run, so all of your joints feel stiff and you have to catch your breath.

>You can hear the girls calling out for you, calling you "Mr. Ape".

>Why the fuck they're calling you that, you have no idea.

>You wait for a while, not daring a peek, and it sounds like they've fanned out now.

>Determined girls.

>You wait some more, but after a minute of hearing them searching you hear grass crunching near your tree.

 

>Looks like you dug your own hole.

>Now you get to try to explain yourself.

>It'll be awkward as fuck and you don't want that.

>So you sit there, making yourself as small and still as possible.

>Perhaps by some slim chance the girl won't notice you.

>The seconds crawl by, and the girl slowly inches her way forward.

>...

>...

>The anxiety starts to wear off.

>In all honesty you wonder why it's taking so long.

>You mean, she's gone about a foot or two and it's been a full ten seconds.

>...

>/"Oh, fuck it."/

>You emerge from behind the tree, standing up while doing so.

>You see the cottage along with a few colorful spots in the woods.

>There's something yellow and pink at the bottom of your vision.

>You look down and...

 

>And...

 

>Right in front of you is a small, butter-yellow horse with pink hair.

>It-no, that's certainly a she-looks up at you with manga style blue eyes.

>It appears she only goes up to your stomach at her tallest.

>Her surprise quickly turns into fear as she realizes how tall you are.

>She starts to shake, and that's when you realize that this...horse...pony...thing...has wings.

>...

>What, the, fuck...

>If this is what /The/ Pegasus looks like then you wish you had never read up on Greek mythology.

>Even though she's the one shaking, you're the one who takes a few tentative steps back.

>The pegasus girl pony thing stops shaking at this and takes a step forward.

>Her eyes say something like worry or confusion.

 

>Then:

 

>"Mr. Ape?"

 

>!

 

>Nope.

>Nope nope nope.

>NnnoooOOPE!

>You spin on your heel and kick up mud to get away from the TALKING YELLOW PEGASUS.

>You sidestep trunks, tear through tall vegetation, anything to get away from something that defies logic and nature.

>Something looking so childish.

 

>Wait.

>That's what's been bothering you ever since you woke up:

>Everything looks like it's from a kid's show.

 

>It's not anything you recognize from your childhood.

 

>Therefore you realize: YOU FUCKING HATE THIS PLACE.

 

>A prepubescent voice yells "Hey!"

>*whoo-*

>Something slams into your upper back hard...

>Just as you were jumping over some tall roots.

>You clear the roots, but you smash into the ground.

>Hard.

>*THUD*

>Fuck!

>The wind gets completely knocked out of you.

>You almost miss the voice screaming "What did you do to Fluttershy!?" right at the back of your head.

>That alone kickstarts a headache.

>You try to bring your hands up to cradle your head, but a pair of hooves slam onto your shoulders, sending needles down your spine.

>"I asked you a question!"

>You're too busy writhing in pain to answer.

>"Rainbow Dash!

>Get off of him!"

>"Why?!

>He sprayed mud at Fluttershy just to get away!"

 

>While they talk, you try to clear your head:

>Nononono

>What the fuck is going on?

>...

>That landing may or may not have bumped your head.

>But...Talking Pegasi?

>Just...no.

> It can't be.

>Your rattled brain couldn't of chosen something so ridiculous to let you see.

>But what was that /thing/ back there?

>Something in your eye?

>No, even that's a pathetic excuse.

>You mentally sigh and guess that, for now, you'll deal with these demented figments of your imagination.

>Even though you've never experienced hallucinations.

>Goddammit.

>*sigh*

>So, it seems you're dealing with little weirdly-colored Pegasi.

>Judging by their voices, they're all young and diverse.

>Just like from a show.

>And from what you've seen, everything around you is all from a kid's show.

>You fear what that may entail.

>You swear, if they start singing...

 

>You let them talk, and you wish you could drown them out.

>Their voices were already getting to you.

>One girl in particular was saying a cliché speech about not jumping to conclusions.

>She sounds like a know-it-all.

>The prepubescent one, for one reason or another, agrees silently and steps off of you.

>Seeing that as your cue, you slowly turn over and sit up.

>You don't stand since you feel you're in for a long discussion.

>As you tuck in your legs Indian style, you look at the colorful ponies before you.

 

>There are six of them in a semicircle around you, well out your reach.

>The one right in front of you, with a coat the same color as a plum, steps towards you.

>Her hair is either dark purple or black, and has a single pink streak going through it.

>A horn is sticking out, making Twilight a fucking unicorn.

>Her eyes (like all of them: manga-esque) has the same color as her fur.

>"Mr. Ape?"

>She puts a hoof (that's the same color as the rest of her body) to her chest.

>"I'm Twilight Sparkle."

>...Silly name aside, that voice sounds familiar.

>Why?

>Twilight points towards an orange coated pony to her left that has braided blonde hair and a straw cowboy hat.

>Her emerald green eyes stand out.

>"That's Applejack."

>Smiling courteously, Applejack, somehow, uses her hoof to tilt her hat towards you.

>You bet she even has a southern accent.

>The purple unicorn gestures to another unicorn to her right that has white fur, blue eyes, and heavily stylized purple hair.

>"This is Rairity."

>The first word to pop into your mind is: Lady.

>She even bows in a court-like fashion.

>For a pony at least.

>Then there's the bouncing pink one.

>The same one that somehow teleported into your pants.

>"That's Pinkie Pie."

>Pinkie stops long enough to give you a huge smile before continuing to jump up and down.

>"And you've already meet Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy."

 

>...

>You look around at the creatures as your mind wages war on itself.

>It's torn between wanting to d'aw at them and their cute looks, and wanting to scream out and start ripping and tearing.

 

>/"It's strange that they're actually tolerating our presence.

>They're FUCKING PONIES, of course they would!

>Yes, their innocence can be their undoing, but it shouldn't be us that ends them.

>Why not!? We're huge compared to them, and we're human.

>Even with magic, they'll have to deal with our brutal cunning.

>We're not a brute, and we're certainly not here to kill them all, let's make sure they understand that.

>Why do we need to let them know?

>They'll find out about our true nature eventually.

>That being?

>Being human, you know what that means.

>Hm...it would be interesting to see their reaction.

>Yes, I would LOVE to have them fear us.

>Of course, but what about them?

>Them?

>Don't we want to learn about these ponies?

>...Maybe.

>FUCK NO!

>Just listen, dammit.

>So far, from what we've seen, this place is NOT Michigan, and considering what's in front if us this certainly isn't earth.

>We could be high and hal-

>We haven't smoked anything.

>But FUCKING PONIES!

>Enough denial, let's just roll with it for now and worry about what's real later."/

 

>"Uh, Mr. Ape?"

>You snap out of your inner debate and look back at the purple unicorn.

>She's now just outside arm's length.

 

>You were just about to open you mouth to tell her to please stop the "Mr. Ape" crap, when Applejack speaks.

>"Ah don't think 'e kin understand ya, Twilight."

 

>HA!

>You knew she would have the accent.

>And along with that moment of pride, an idea begins to form in your head.

 

>Twilight turns to her southern friend.

>"But, he was trying to talk to us last night."

>At least, I think he was."

 

>/"Oooh yes, doubt yourself, Sparkling Twilight.

>Doubt yourself that I spoke last night so I may hide under the guise that I do not understand any of you.

>Do this to let your companions feel comfortable speaking freely around me, so that this alien being may hear their honest thoughts about himself."/

>You realize you don't normally think or speak like that, but it feels incredibly appropriate for a plan such as this.

>And when it came to mind games, fancy speaking is a must.

>Especially after reading Frankenstein.

>Nice read.

>You commend Ms. Shelly's handling of the creation.

>You especially enjoyed reading about him learning of old Europe.

>Hmmm....

>Yes, that will be your plan.

>Act dumb, or at least act that you don't understand what they're saying.

>That way they won't try to paint everything all nice for you.

>You want to see this...world, coma-induced hallucination, whatever it is, for what it actually is.

 

>You look back at the ponies, who were discussing your intelligence.

 

>Twilight steps forward again.

>"Mr. Ape, can you understand me?"

>You stare at her with a blank expression for a few seconds.

>"I'm Twilight Sparkle.

>Twiiiliiiight.

>Ssspaaarklllle."

>Oh god she's doing that.

>Why do people think that somehow helps?

 

>Just to get them off your back for a bit, you decide to show a little intelligence.

 

>You lift your finger and point it right at Twilight's nose, causing her to go cross eyed.

"Twilight Sparkle." you tell her in a neutral tone.

>Not waiting for a reaction, you point to the cowpony.

"Applejack."

>You go down the line:

"Fluttershy."

"Rarity."

"Pinkie Pie."

"Rainbow Dash."

 

>You don't know how you've remembered the names when they were spoken once.

>Maybe it's because they're so weird.

>Anyhow, the ponies seem delighted that you know their names.

>You look back to Twilight, and raise an eyebrow when she points her hoof at you.

>You realize they want your name, so you point to yourself.

 

"Anon."