Hoon in Equestria 3

>You stood in a field, surrounded but several pastel coloured ponies and a baby dragon, your mouth agape.

‘Yeah, can you repeat that for me?’ you finally ask.

>Princess Celestia nodded her head, and looked you in the eye.

>’That creature you described. It sounds like a dingonek. A carnivorous jungle walrus.’

‘Well… fuck.’

>’Anon, are you okay?’

‘Yeah, yeah. I think so. It’s just, that didn’t look like a dingonek that you find on my world.’

>’What is a dingonek from where you are from?’

‘Well, it holds a dingo head to a dingo body.’

>You let out a forced laugh and look at your feet.

>TS ‘Anon, this isn’t the time to make a joke. This is serious.’

‘Twilight…’ you take a deep breath and sigh. ‘Whatever.’

>Pinkie suddenly freezes, and bursts into laughter.

>PP ‘BWAHAHAHAHA! I get it now! PFFT, DINGO NEC K!’

>You smile and shake your head.

>PC ‘Anon, how was it possible that you were attacked by one?’

‘Two of them, sorta.’

>Celestia’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped in shock.

>PC ‘T-t-two of them?  Here? That can’t be right.’ She mutters.

‘Deadski,’ you say, walking back to your car.

>PC ‘But… but how were you able to kill two of them at once?’

‘One at a time, and Miggy took down one when it tried to attack me.’

>You open your car door and begin searching through the back seat.

>PC ‘Anon, I think you need to explain this to me.’

‘Yes, I think I do.’ You pull out a bottle of water and a muesli bar. ‘But not now. Maybe when we are less… crowded.’

>You unwrap the muesli bar and begin eating your breakfast.

>Rarity spoke up next. ‘You are eating at a time like this?!’

 

>You slump your head and swallow your mouthful, knowing full well that if you spoke with any food in your mouth, she would go off on a tangent.

‘Rarity, when you got up today, did you have breakfast?’

>R ‘Yes, of course I did. It /is/ the most important meal of the day.’

‘Well, I didn’t. I don’t have that luxury of a home or a large selection of food. Hell, I got up and went for a walk immediately. I even was so gracious as to not steal from that apple orchard outside of town. So excuse me while I eat and drink, I need to do so to survive.’

>AJ ‘Whah didn’ ya’ll just grab an apple?’

‘It is stealing. I did not feel right being a thief, but now I kinda wish I did.’

>AJ ‘Ah wouldn’ ‘ave minded it. Ya’ll was hungry, ya’ll should eat.’

‘Thanks, but what’s done is done. Excuse me.’

>You finish off your bar and wash it down with heaps of water.

‘Mmm, better. Rainbow loudmouth, ready to race?’

>RD ‘What did you call me?’

‘Rainbow Dash,’ you say with a straight face.

>RD ‘Well, sure. If you think you can keep up with the Dash.’

‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained.’ You turn to Twilight. ‘Miss Sparkle, can Spike come out to play?’

>TS ‘Are you serious?’

‘No. I wanted to annoy you one last time, just in case.’

>TS ‘In case of what?’

>You say nothing, only smiling, before walking around the other side of Frostbite.

>PC ‘Anonymous!’

>Celestia sounded borderline angry, with a hint of fear.

 

>You turn to see her approach you.

>PC ‘I do not want you around my little ponies until you tell me what happened.’

‘Princess, I meant that in the best possible way. I don’t want to traumatise the ponies any more than you do. Once I finish this race, you can ask them to leave, and I will be at your service.’

>PC ‘Anon…why? Why must you do this now?’

‘Because I am me, and she is she.’

>You smile and lean in close.

‘And when I feel stressed like this, driving seems to help.’

>’Promise me you’ll be safe.’

‘My my, Princess. If I didn’t know better, I would swear you were worried about me.’

>’Try as you like to hide it, I can see that spark of kindness.’

‘Shh… can’t let them know.’

>You chuckle and climb into your driver’s seat.

‘Start the race when you feel ready.’

>As Celestia walks away, Rainbow Dash confidently trots up and you roll down your window.

>RD ‘You ready, Anon?’

‘Give us a second. Need to wake up the beast.’

>You turn on Frostbite’s engine, the turbo chargers kicking to life.

‘What’re the terms?’

>RD ‘Up to the tree line and back. When you lose, you have to admit I am the fastest.’

‘Sure, but if I win, you need to… stop flying for a week.’

>RD ‘Pfft, fine. You got yourself a deal.’

>You roll up your window and strap yourself into your seat.

>Celestia gives you and Dash a nod, before bringing her wings up.

>You take a deep breath and do your best to calm your nerves.

‘It’s going to be fine. Just breathe.’

 

>Celestia drops her wings, and you slam Frostbite into first gear.

>Your wheels spin at first, but gain traction and you blast forwards.

>You glance next to you to see Rainbow Dash keeping pace with you.

>She was fairly fast, but you could be faster.

>From first to second, Frostbite gains a lead, only for Rainbow Dash to push harder.

>The forest line was coming closer by the second, and you switch into third gear.

‘Come on, come on. Think.’

>You were not good at driving on dirt. Asphalt was easier to deal with. It was flat and nicer on your car.

>Dirt was an evil bastard, especially when you needed to do a quick U-turn.

>Speaking of which, the tree line approached and you started to turn.

>You rip the handbrake and turn the wheel to the left, hoping today was going to be good on you.

>It was not your day.

>Frostbite’s rear end slid out from behind you, your speed making it harder for you to control.

>You spin the wheel in the opposite direction to correct, but you over steer it.

>Slamming on the brakes, you bring the drift under control, but you realise the effect it had.

>While you dealt with the dirt sliding, Dash was able to pull a tight hairpin mid-air and was already a third of the way back.

>You begin to laugh, a smile growing on your face again.

‘Oh, NOW IT’S A PARTY!’

>You shift from third to first, bringing Frostbite back to speed, and slamming it back to third.

>This was not going to be good for your gear box.

>Nor would this be good for Frostbite’s engine.

>But this was a race, and you needed to win.

 

>Fourth gear, and you were gaining on Dash at immense speed.

>She turned her head to see you gaining and she pushed even harder.

>As you hit fifth, you were neck and neck with her, and the finish line was only half a kilometre ahead.

>And behind the line was all of the ponies, cheering you and Rainbow Dash on.

‘No… No no no no no!’

>They were standing in the way.

>You had no room to stop Frostbite.

>Slamming on your horn, you roll down your window and try to wave them away.

>The stupid ponies thought you were waving at them.

‘FUCK!’

>With only a few seconds left, you rip the handbrake back up, jump on the brakes and spin the wheel to the right.

>Frostbite slides off course and into a bush, just as Rainbow Dash crosses the finish line.

>RD ‘YEAH! I WON!’

>You take a few deep breaths and turn off the engine, before uncoupling the harness and leave the driver’s seat.

>As you walk over to the rest of the group, you see Dash pumping her hooves in the air.

>She sees you and shoots for your chest.

>RD ‘YEAH MAN!!’

‘ALRIGHT!’ You yell. ‘You won. You are the fastest.’

>’Man, what’s up? I just wanted to say that was the best. I haven’t had so much fun in ages.’

>You stop and realise something. Dash loved to race too, but she wasn’t a sore winner.

>You smile and put out a hand.

‘Good work Dash. You won.’

>RD ‘Dude, what was up with that ending? You just ran off the path?’

‘Nothing. It was nothing. Look, I need to have a word with the princess. Can you take Spike back to… wherever he lives?’

>’Uh, sure. I’ll get them all together.’

>Rainbow shakes your hand, and flies off again.

 

>As you walk ahead, you watch as all the ponies smiling at you.

>Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy, AJ, Spike and Dash all met you half way.

‘Okay, so… I’ll see you round?’

>PP ‘Okie Dokie Lokie,’ she says, giving you a hug.

>R ‘Yes, it was nice to meet you.’

>Rarity bows, and you do the same.

>FS ‘G-goodbye Anon.’

>You smile and scratch her behind the ear.

>S ‘See ya bro.’

>You complete the second bro fist of Equestrian history, and wave them off.

>Rainbow Dash approaches you last.

>RD ‘Anon, what happened? I know you veered off at the last moment.’

‘It was nothing, Dash. I’m cool.’

>She punches you in the arm and stares at you.

‘Fine, fuck! Frostbite wouldn’t have stopped in time at that speed. Rather than kill someone, I lost a race.’

>RD ‘You know you will need to race me again.’

‘No, you would have won anyway. I need more practice on the dirt.’

>Dash stares at you again, before shooting off into the clouds.

>You continue forward to see Celestia and Twilight waiting for you, Frostbite parked next to them.

‘Magic?’

>PC ‘Magic. Now, I believe it is time you tell us the whole story.’

‘Us? You sure you want to let Miss Sparkle here hear the finer details.’

>PC ‘Anonymous, I trust my student. I know she can handle this information. Please stop stalling.’

‘Who’s stalling?!’ you wave your arms in the air. ‘I’m just worried about-‘

>TS ‘The pony who accused you of being a monster? Twice, by the way.’

‘Fine…’ you sigh. ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

 

>You explain everything that happened between you and the dingoneks, including how Miggy saved your life twice.

>By the end of it, Celestia was pale, more pale than she was normally.

>Her usual flowing mane was now dead limp.

>Twilight, on the other hand, was wide eyed with excitement over a new species to study.

>You sigh and take a seat on the ground.

‘Well, that went different than I expected.’

>Princess Celestia took a few deep breaths and regained her composure.

>PC ‘Anonymous… that was… deeply horrifying.’

‘Try being there,’ you chuckle.

>PC ‘But there was something else you kept repeating.’

‘Yeah, that’s a swear word we use on Earth,’ you say. ‘I seem to swear a lot more when I get stressed.’

>PC ‘No, I mean “fire extinguisher”. What is that and how did it kill a dingonek?’

‘Well, as the name suggests, it extinguishes fires.’

>You stand up from the ground and walk up to Frostbite’s back door.

>Opening it up, you grab the large red cylinder from the floor.

‘The one I used was from Miggy’s car.’

>You walk forwards, pulling the pin on the handle, and smiling at Twilight.

>TS ‘Anon? What are you doing?’

‘Cooling you off.’

>You bring the hose up to Twlight’s face, blasting her in the face with a burst of CO2.

>Twilight screams and jumps as she is hit with the cold air.

>PC ‘ANONYMOUS!’

>Your extinguisher was ripped from your hands in a light pink aura and you turn to see Celestia was pissed off again.

>PC ‘HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KILL MY STUDENT?!’

‘Princess, stop. That wouldn’t have killed Twilight.’

 

>PC ‘Why should I trust you?’ she growled.

‘Because I am in the presence of the leader of this land, the creature who protected me the first time around.’ You grab the fire extinguisher from mid-air, ‘Duh.’

>You give Celestia a little puff of CO2 to show her it is safe.

‘This is carbon dioxide. It deprives the fire of oxygen, snuffing it out.’

>TS ‘It was so cold…’

‘It has two forms, solid and gas. When it is a solid, it can burn with cold. When the dingonek ate one, it froze from the inside, killing it.’

>PC ‘I see.’

‘And I kinda lied. If I sprayed Twilight for long enough, she would have suffocated.’

>Suddenly, a wave of fire rose from the ground mere inches from your face.

>You jump back in fear, screaming, before falling to the ground.

>When the fire calmed down, you see Twilight, horn glowing and a smirk on her face.

>Rage overcomes you, and you jump to your feet.

‘THAT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY, TWILIGHT!’

>You throw the fire extinguisher at her head, only to be caught in Celestia’s magic.

>PC ‘Anonymous! It was only a joke.’

‘Oh, bullshit! That was no joke! Fire can kill in seconds, and she decides it is the best time to shock me?!’

>You climb into Frostbite, and turn on the engine.

>PC ‘Where are you going?!’ she calls as you rev your engine.

‘Somewhere where I won’t choke something!’

>You kick it in first, and speed off before Celestia can catch you.

 

>You spend a good few hours just ripping up mud in an abandoned field, allowing your anger to vent into driving skill.

>By late afternoon, you were sitting on the ground, leaning up against Frostbite, eating another muesli bar.

>PC ‘Feeling better?’ comes a familiar motherly voice.

‘What do you want?’ you growl.

>‘Not much. I just like to learn about my new subjects. I am quite surprised that my new human is afraid of fire.’

>You don’t bother looking at her, choosing to stare at your feet.

>‘It can’t be a species thing. The humans of old used fire like crazy.’

‘It’s not. I’m just… different.’

>’Anything you’d like to tell me?’

>You take a deep breath and look up to see Celestia giving you a soft, caring smile.

‘Des, aka AAA, was killed in a terrible car accident. Some guy he raced wasn’t happy he lost, so he smashed Des off the road. Joe and I… we did our best to get him out, to put out the flames, but we were inexperienced, young. For months, I dreamt of Des’ screams for help as he burned alive.’

>‘Why didn’t you tell us about this?’

‘One, none of anyone’s business. I don’t share everything. Two, what if it falls into the wrong hooves? Someone comes to know I am afraid of fire, and they use it against me.’

>‘Who would want to hurt you?’

>You give Celestia a dead pan stare, but don’t speak a word.

> ‘Oh, I see. Well, at least talk to Twilight. Apologise for the fight. Can’t have you two housemates fighting.’

‘Housemates?’

>‘Come. We should get going back to town.’

 

‘Do you want a lift?’

>Celestia “hmms” a couple of times, before smiling.

> ‘Sure. I would like to test out this “Frostbite” for myself.’

‘Are you going to fit?’

>‘Don’t worry about me.’

>There was a burst of white light, and where Celestia once stood was a tiny version of her.

>’I can take care of mythelf.’

>Your eyes go wide and you slam your hand over your mouth.

>’Anonymousth, what isth wrong?’

‘Please…stop talking…’

>’Anon, why are you looking tho thick?’

>Can’t hold it back…

>You burst out in laughter, falling to your side.

>’ANONYMOUSTH!!’ she said angrily.

‘STAHP IT! YOUR LISP IS KILLING ME!’

>You feel something whack you on the head and you open your eyes to see a very cross tiny Celestia.

’Oh shit! The tiny princess is angry now!’ you scream in faux-fear.

>’You asthk for thith.’

>There was another bright flash of light and you fall to your back.

>As you sit back up, you notice Frostbite had disappeared and Celestia was back to normal.

>’Let’s see how you like walking.’

‘Cheater. If you hurt my car, I’ll hurt you.’

>’Silly words from a silly human. You will find us at the large oak tree in the centre of town.’

>Another flash of light and you were alone in the field again.

‘Alright… time to get my car back.’

>You begin walking into town, whistling a simple song.

‘Whatever could go wrong?’