Never Meet Your Heroes

>Day grown men hanging out with children in equestria

>Wake up to the prodding of something

>You grumble and haphazardly slap at it to make it stop

>Such are the sacred rules of the alarm clock

>"Mr.Anon? It's 4 o' clock and you said we were going to hang out or something." Said a dopey sounding voice

>Oh yeah

>You were given some weird love drug from Fluttershy thing and did favors and nice shit for everyone

>Turns out it was a platonic love drug

>And it turns out you promised a day with this little guy uh

What was your name, again?

>"Snails."

>Snails that you'd hang out together today

Hey don't you usually hang out with that fat colt who's good at cutting hair?

>"Yeah, but he's out on business."

 

>You are Snips

>and you are on business

>"NOW, YOUNG ONE, STRIKE WHILE THE BEAST IS VULNERABLE!" Booms an old, bearded pony.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CUTTING HAIR, SIR!?

>"COMPLETE THE RITUAL!"

>Drive your pair of sacred, sacrificial scissors into the heart of the great spawn of unholiness

>It screeches louder than it was already doing

>A flash of bright light engulfs the underground stone temple you're in

>And suddenly you're in what looks to be a cosmetologist school

>"Alright, well done, Mr.Snips. Here is your hair stylist license." says a teacher-looking pony

>You just sit there for a while and try to soak in what just happened

 

>Be Anon

>You brush your teeth, take a piss, and get dressed

>Don't shave because you've always been pretty much bald on anywhere but your head

>After your morning routine of lamenting the fact that you'll never have a kick-ass mustache, you talk to snails

So what did I say were going to do?

>"You mostly just talked about how great the elements of harmony are, so can we visit them today? They're kinda celebrities and you know them well."

>Yeah alright, you can do that

>You didn't really like Rarity anymore than the other horses, but you admire her skill with a sewing machine

>Thanks to the fact that you were some inter-universal passenger, you got a, you all went on some wacky retarded adventure together and now you're friends apparently

Alright, I got nothing else to do here, let's go

>You leave without locking or even closing your front door

>That's probably how snails got in

>It would also explain the hornet nests

 

>First up is Applejack

>You and Snails head up a trail to that farm that she and her family live on

>Notice they're not out working

>Remember it's conveniently Sunday, everyone should be off today

>Reach the door to her house

>You hear odd, rythmatic bumping and groaning coming from inside the house

>Knock on the door

>Hear a someone scrambling about inside

>The door swings open, revealing OrangeHorse looking flushed, her mane all mussed up, her hat on backwards

>"H-HEY! Anon, good to see ya! Ah am just SUPER busy today with work so I can't really talk right now!"

But it's Sunday

>She stares at you for a minute as her face begins to get a little redder

>"Did you uh, need something?"

Yeah, in a drug-induced act of kindness, I promised Snails here to take him to see the famous 'Essences of Tranquility'

>"Elements of Harmony." Snails says

Right, whatever

>"O-Oh. Well, uh, hey Snails." Applejacks cereal, part of a complete breakfast says

>"Hi."

>There is an extended moment of awkward silence as you all just sort of fidget around

>Big Mac pokes his head out, covered in girly make up

>"Are they gone, Daddy?" He says

>Applejack whips her head around

>"NO, GET BACK IN THE ROOM!" She screams at him

>He yelps and complies

>"SORRY ANON, SORRY SNAILS, BUT WE'RE JUST SWAMPED WITH PAPERWORK BUT IT'S BEEN NICE SEEING YA BOTH BYE!"

>She slams the door so hard the house shakes

>Snails blinks

>"What were they doin'?"

Well I think it's obvious, Snails

>He just stares

>You sigh impatiently

They were CLEARLY rehearsing a play

>"Oh."

 

>Next up is Pinky Pie

>You and Snails are now both in ponyville square

>Make your way up to the sugarcube corner

>Open the door

>"WELCOMETOSUGARCUBECORNERWOULDYOULIKETOTRYOURDAILYSPECIAL!!!?" Say a pink vibrating blur

No, Pinko. We're just stopping in.

>"WHO SENT YOU?" she loudly whispers into your ear, for somehow she is now behind you

Snails, I guess.

>"WHERE IS THAT LITTLE SHIT!? TRYING TO JUST WALK UP IN HERE AND KILL ME!? CELESTIA BETTER TRY A LOT FUCKING HARDER IF SHE'S GONNA STEP TO ME!" She screams

>Snails is now clutching your right leg pretty tight, and trying to conceal himself behind you.

>"I-I'm scared, Anon." He whimpers

Eh it's fine. Hey, yo, Porky Pig, calm down. We just wanted to say hi, is all.

>"OH, WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO." She says rather loudly

>Pakaderm Patrick calms the fuck down, and sits down next to you both, although still vibrating at an incredible frequency

>You notice that her eyes are damn near blood red, her teeth are all kinds of messed up, and her ribs are poking out under her skin.

>"Are you okay, Ms.Pinkie?" Snails Asked

>"I COULD not BE BETTER. I GOT THIS SPECIAL CANDY FROM SOMEONE I CAN'T REMEMBER AND NOW I CAN SEE VERY CLEARLY. YOU SEE CELESTIA IS TRYING TO KILL ME."

Special candy?

>"YEAH. 'CRYSTAL' SOMETHING! IT MUST BE FROM THE CRYSTAL KINGDOM, EXCEPT YOU CAN'T EAT THIS CANDY, YOU GOTTA SMOKE IT!"

Oh. Sounds alright. Good luck with Celestia, come on Snails.

>Snails silently and closely follows you out of that place.

>"OH AND SNAILS! YOU TELL CELESTIA THAT HER DAYS ARE NUMBERED."

>"O-Okay."

>You both exit and head onward on a cobblestone path

>after a pause you pipe up

She seemed a little calmer than usual.

 

>You two now head to Rarity's as she's the closest at the moment

>Her shop's not open, but you think she's still home

>Knock knock

>The door magically opens

>Ol' purple hair pokes her head out

>I'm afraid we're not open today, dear, but if you come back tomorrow-

We ain't here for clothes, Rarity, just stopping by to meet and greet.

>"Oh well that is just sweet of you, dearie, who's with y-" She stops and stares at Snails as soon as you realize that he's with you

Uh, him, but I guess you can see that now.

>She doesn't say anything, she just continues to stare at the young, puke-yellow unicorn, starts to breath harder and faster, and shiver

>Also there's a puddle forming behind her

>Fuckin' cheap-ass carpentry these ponies are running

>You'd know something about that

>Your shit roof couldn't even handle a little cannon fire

>You stand there for about 15 seconds, arms crossed and a stern expression on your face before Snails breaks the tension and your deep engrossment within your own thoughts of poor construction

>"...Um, Hello, Ms.Rarity. My name is-"

>"Snails! You're one of Sweetie Bell's little friends. I know of all her little friends."

Oh, well that's saves us some ti-

>"Would you like to come in, Dearie?" She interrupts while still glaring at Snails

Alright.

>Walk into the shop

>You each find a seat

>Make sure to sit facing the mannequins

>You don't trust them

>Breaking your accusing stare of the faux horses, you break the ice

So what's been happening, lately, Rarity?

>She's still intently staring staring at the little guy

>Also she's sitting oddly close to him

>Must want a living shield nearby once those mannequins strike

>"...What? Oh! Well, Sweetie Bell and her little friends left for the weekend to go try and slay dragons for their cutie marks."

>That would explain why Applebloom wasn't home

>"Neat." Snails comments

>"Oh, but it's left me SO lonely..." Rarity says in a whiny tone as she brushes up against Snails

>"Th-then I guess it was good for us to visit." Snails nervously adds

>"Oh yes! It was sooo nice of you to come." she puts her hoof on his leg

>"But it gets the MOST lonely of all at night!" At this point she's pretty much leaning on him

I can sympathize with that

>That's why you released about 13 rats into your house to live there so you'd never be alone

>"Then maybe you can help me out, Dear."

>"Help with what, Ms.Rarity?" Snails says

>Silly little Snails, so naive

>She clearly wants to buy some rats off of us

>But you are a shrewd business man, and must let her think that your rats are worth your high prices

>"I was hoping you could come over for a little sleepover."

>You huff and stuff your rat pedigree papers back in your back pocket

>"I , uh, don't-"

Sure we can!

>Like hell you were leaving and innocent pony alone at night with those wretched mannequins

>"Wonderful! I'll have everything ready by 8:00 tonight! See you then!" she hops up from her seat. or Snails. Whichever was supporting more of her weight

>She pretty much throws you out of her shop with magic, while neatly placing snails on the ground and combs his hair a bit with her hoof

>While Snails makes his way over to you, you try to conceal your crying at the nasty scrape you recieved from the contact with the ground

>"Anon, what's wrong?" he asks

L-let's just go

 

>You tried visiting Rainbow Dash but she called you a bitch and said if you weren't buying crystal then she had no business with you

>You asked if she sold Pinky the crystal candy that she was smoking, but then she just got super pissed and stopped paying attention to you

>Said something about someone else in her territory

>Then she flew off

>You didn't know horses marked their territory

 

>After that you visit Twilight

>You just walk in to her house because it's a public library

HEY YO, MAGIC LADY, WHERE ARE YOU

>Hear crying coming from the basement

>Like any proper horror movie character you decide to investigate

>"Uh, Anon, is that a good idea?"

The answer is no, now come on.

>Continue down the stairs with your cowardly acquaintance

>You find there's a single light illuminating the basement with purplesmart fidgeting underneath it

>Also she's fucking covered in blood

Hey, crazy, what's happening.

>"Anon!? Why are you here?"

Snails decided he wanted to meet the saviors of all of existence today and you were next on the list, so we decided to invade your privacy to come and say hi.

>Snails is scared stiff at all the blood and doesn't say anything

>Maybe next time you'll take him to a sausage factory to see what happens

>Remember sausage doesn't exist here

>You make a mental note to shed some tears over that later

So what's with all the blood? ...Are you by chance making sausage?

>"N-no. I don't know what that is. I'm actually trying to fix something."

>You seriously can't get over this lack of sausage, but you work your way through the pain and choke back the tears to speak up

Usually blood implies that something is breaking.

>Chuckle and lightly elbow the still petrified Snails

Anyways, what are you fixing?

>"Myself."

>Notice several surgical tools lining a desk she's sitting at

I wouldn't suggest home surgery, I tried it before, it doesn't work out too well, generally.

>"I can make it work."

>You notice a nub on her back covered in gauze

>The wheels in your head are a-turnin'

Didn't you used to have two wings?

>"Yes. I also used to have no wings, a state which I am trying to attain again."

...

>"But those wings are special!" Snails finally says

>"Special? Wanna know what's special about them? How they remind me that I'm going to outlive everything I love. How none of my friends are even close to the same level I am anymore. How nothing is a challenge anymore with the immense magical prowess I've been bestowed with without even having to work at it. That's special."

>Oh shit Snails you got your shit slapped

Oh. Well see you later!

>"But, Anon." Snails says

Shut up Snails we're leaving

>No way your are consoling a depressed girl

>Last time you did that, you tried to cheer up an ugly girl that cut herself by saying that she made others look good in comparison, and she killed herself

>No telling what a girl that's cutting off her fucking limbs will do

>Book it out of there and straight to Fluttershy's

 

 

>Arrive at Yellowquiet's

>before you can knock the door opens

>"Anon! Hello, sweetie!"

>She notices Snails

>"And you brought your fetish! I guess I was really close when I guessed fillyfiddling I see!"

>This damn horse

>Always trying to guess you sexual paraphilia

>You'd think that she was attracted to you

>But she's a pone, that can't happen

>It is that same level of trust that made you think it was a good idea to accept unlabeled drugs from her

>Not that you wouldn't do it again

That's not my fetish, fritoshy.

>("Anon what's a fetish?") Snails asks

(It's a type of strudel filling)

>"Oh, well would you like to come in me?"

What?

>"Would you like to come in?"

Nah, we can't, Snails just wanted to meet the armaments of blasphemy

>"Hello." Snails blurts

>"Oh, um, Hello."

>More of dat sweet awkward silence ensues

>You'd be lying if you said you weren't beginning to enjoy it

>"Anon, are you doing anything later?"

Yes, Snails and I are going to a sleepover at Rarity's

>"Rarity!? You never come to my sleepovers."

That's because I'm pretty sure that bear you keep around wants to eat me. Well we'll see you later.

>"B-bye."

>"Bye Ms. Fluttershy."

>Faintly hear someone grumble "Fucking Rarity" as you leave

 

>It is now 8:00

>You are in what you would prefer to call your most luxurious jammies

>Silk/cotton blend with an expert gold hemming job

>You rub your pajamas into yourself while standing at Rarity's door, waiting for Snails

>Ponies are starting to stare

>You don't care

>Oh there he is, walking up with a sleeping bag

Hey

>"Hi."

>Not long after, the Carousel Boutique's door open magically, revealing a pathway of rose petals and candles.

Swaaan-ky. Come on.

>Head on in.

>Follow the path of eviscerate plant sex organs which leads you upstairs, and you are both directed into the door to a room.

>You attempt to walk through the door itself and bump the fuck out of your nose

>Even you gotta admit that was fucking retarded

>"Heh heh."

Yeah, yeah. You'll get yours you little... mumble grumble...

>Knock on the door

>"Cooome in~..."

>Open it up, and you both are greeted with a sensually posed Rarity, dressed in a rather revealing Lingerie.

>You don't get it, as ponies don't generally wear clothes

>The same could not be said for Snails, who was jarred stiff as soon as he saw her

>"Oh, hello, Snails...~" She says in a breathy, drawn out voice

And Anon too!

>"Oh, uh, Anon, go to the next room down the hall."

Okay!

>"Um, Anon?" Snails stammers as you were about to walk down the hall

Yes little buddy?

>"I don't think-"

ME NEITHER!

>You excitedly shove him in the room, which the door then magically closes and you hear a latch lock

>Continue down the hall

>Admittedly, your room trail is lackluster

>Nothing but sawdust and newspaper clippings

>Reminds you of your days trying to be a hamster

>That didn't work out too well

>Had about 30 kids with some random hamster bitch and had to pay child support out the ass

>Had to fake your death AGAIN just to get out of it

>In your state of inattention, you walk straight into the door your path led to and hit your nose again

Son of a FUCK

>Hold your nose and open the door

>Notice a pone on the bed inside attempting a sexy pose

>"Hello, Anonymous...~" Fluttershy says

Hey beast-tamer

>"Uh, w-why don't you come over here?"

Alright

>You walk into the room and close the door behind you

>Mozy up next to the bed

>"Now how a-about you make a m-mare outta me?"

...

>Within the silence, you hear a faint voice

>"M-miss Rarity! I don't- ooohh unngh"

>Sounds like Snails and Rarity are hitting it off well

>"Anon?" Fluttershy says

Oh, right. Mare. Making.

>You adopt of ready looking stance when you realize something

I don't know what a mare is or how to make someone into one.

>"You have s-sexual intercourse with me."

Oh. No I'm nah doing that.

>"Ugh. Just take this." She holds up a large pill

Alright, more illegal drugs!

>Hurriedly scarf it down

>Wait a bit for the effects aaaaand...

>You suddenly feel weak

>Like REALLY weak

>You collapse on the bed

>Fluttershy flips you on your back

>"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this, sweetums."

>Oh shit this is serious

>Like AIDS serious

>Try to scream

>It does not work

>She's fiddling the elastic of your jammie pants

>Oh shit oh shit oh fuck out of all the things you don't want to happen you actually REALLY don't want this to happen

>And there go your pants

>After a short segment of her nuzzling your crotch through your undergarments, she goes to take off your shirt

>And makes short work of it

>"And now..."

>You just close your eyes and try to think of England

>Thoughts of the queen give you an erection

>Fuck

>"I see you've saved me some time." She says as she flicks your boner through your underwear

>FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

>You believe all hope is lost when

>KRACK

>WHUMP

>and Flutterrapist is knocked clean out-cold

>After a short amount of time stunned, you take the time to thank baby Jesus

>But who saved you

>In the darkness, you see only silhouettes

>They step forward revealing that it's

THE MANNEQUINS!

>It was indeed the mannequins, animated, and saving your ass and dick

Thanks a lot. I used to you guys were evil, but from here on out, you're alright by me.

>Everything turned out better than expected

>The mannequins all look at you, then the front one nods at the other two

What is it?

>One gets behind you on the bed and holds down your arms

W-what are you doing!?

>Another holds your legs

Stop!

>The final one straddles you

NO!

>It tenderly places its false hoof on your lip, and traces it down your chest

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>You are then raped continuously by the clothes-model horses all night

>It is horrifying

 

 

END