Chapter 2: The One where I clarify a few things

I’m telling you if I skip to the part where I become a pony it’s not going to make a lick of sense. You think that my excessive adding of details would have little to no effect on the major story, well that’s where you are wrong. I’ll share with you a brief moment where I was in the process of changing from human to pony and you try to add up all of the details.

 

So there I was with friend Paul and Laurel, and we were doing our usual Friday night plan of drinking and driving. I’m going ahead and assuming you have two questions that need answering. Who were Paul and Laurel? Why would you drink and drive? Well one, I was just about to introduce Paul and Laurel before you so rudely interrupted me and two, we weren't actually drinking and driving.

 

So by the final race it seemed neck and neck and for whatever reason my hand seemed to numb up, I could only tell that my hand seemed to numb up because I realized that I had been steering a little too hard to the right at times. You know what; this story doesn't even make sense without any context. Could I tell it the way I want to? But first I need to clarify a little detail.

 

For all intents and purposes I have forgotten my name for back when I was a human. That’s the truth, I still remember how I got here, but for whatever reason, I just can’t seem to refer to myself as anything but Cloud Charmer. Nowadays, everyone around here calls me Charmie, which really doesn’t make any sense since it’s like my last name?

 

Honestly, I haven’t really figured out how pony names work. Pinkie Pie had a Grannie Pie, but Twilight Sparkle was siblings with Shining Armor. Was he Shining Armor Sparkle? I understand how the cakes work since they’re a family, but what about confirmed sisters Rarity and Sweetie Belle? Oh yeah other important detail, apparently all of the events in our T.V show actually happened here in Equestria, so there was that. I’ve met most of the Elements of Harmony, or as we used to call them the Mane Six. It seems like Equestria really does revolve around them. Seriously, have I accidentally been reduced to just background to these ponies? Concentrate. Names. So, since I’ve become Cloud Charmer, that’s the only name I can remember, so it’s either that or Anonymous. But I’m a person… errr… individual and this is MY story.

 

Before I was so erroneously cut off, everything was always tied to a hangover, hopefully I don’t have to repeat what happened the night prior. Overall, the entire week went along without a hitch. Other than than my sister finding a way to make fun of me every hour on the hour for suggesting we watch ponies. Conversations typicially followed as such,

 

“Hey Charmie,” I’d like to point out again that I don’t remember my old name so I refer to myself as Charmie, “how about that tea party last night? Did you want me to bring Mr. Fuzzybottom to your next My Little Pony marathon?”

I would like to apologize to the bear who I met yesterday whose name is in fact Mr. Fuzzybottom. He is quite the nice fellow and was able to help me move into my new home. Another weird thing about Equestria, all of the animals here seem to have some semblance of intelligence. I mean, I’m a talking Pony so I guess I don’t really have any grounds on this argument, but its real strange considering where I come from where any animal not tamed in any sort of way is either eaten or found in a zoo. Many conversations would revolve around how I was watching ponies and that my sister did eventually grab a glimpse of Cloud Chaser, my original character. I paid no attention to it as I had begun to lock my doors whenever I would watch more episodes and learn about Equestria.

 

By the end of the week I had stormed through two seasons and decided that I needed a drink. Picking up whatever cash I had lying around I decided to call up my good friend Paul.

See Paul became my neighbor around the age of 6 where he was a year and three quarters older than me. Not exactly three quarters mind you, but around that amount. He also had a girlfriend Laurel who he would encourage to invite to our drinking nights. Laurel was a kind enough person but she did not seem to know when she was going over the top and being annoying. Paul always seemed to show up to what I would hope to become Guy’s Night Blacking Out. This time I would discover and conjure a plan to keep her out.

 

On one of my many liquor runs, I had found and noticed a bar in the middle of nowhere where no one seemed to want to go; anypony except for me of course. I phoned up Paul with the simple question,

“Dude, bar?” and the conversation seemed to follow as such.

“Where?”

“Marty’s Place on route 30”

“Sounds awesome”

 

I wondered why he didn't even suggest inviting Laurel. But I decided not to ask.

 

We decided to bar. After arriving at 10:04 PM, we immediately pounded a few beers and began talking about random things.  We talked about school, to television and whatever video games we were playing at the time. The annoying thing at the time was that he kept attempting to bring up the My Little Pony stuff that I was drinking to forget. He kept asking about what I’d do if I could go to that world of pastel ponies. I decided it was time for shots.

 

So after spending a good two hours at this shady-ass bar in the middle of nowhere I finally grab Paul and get out. Paul had somehow found a way to finish a good pint of hard liquor in just a few hours on top of the beers we had had within ten minutes of showing up. Meanwhile, my efforts of drinking as much beer as I possibly could imagine had come to a rising halt.

 

Why did I always choose beer? Well my big issue with hard liquor is how it always seemed to ‘sneak up’ on me. I had plenty of experiences where I was fine one minute and rolling around on the floor in my own vomit the next. So, instead of having this intangible mysterious liquid whose fabulous secret powers were able to elude my comprehension, I stuck with beer. See beer is finite. You have one beer, you drink one beer. On average the human liver can metabolize one beer per hour. That shit’s tangible. Hard alcohol, it’s a shot per hour. Well when you’re pouring and guessing how much in your mixed drink, you get confused. So I stick to beer and when I’m not drinking beer at the bar, I’m getting ready to leave. Or shots, everyone loves shots.

 

Unfortunately, I came to the realization that neither I nor my good friend Paul was in any shape to drive. However, I may have ignored that thought at the time, and I might have driven home just a little tipsy. In my defense, I’ve played a lot of drinking games where you’re drunk and not allowed to drink and drive. But all of these have been video games and I feel that an N64 controller is very dissimilar to a steering wheel and I realize now that the only reason I was good at Mario Kart 64 is because I had found a means to muscle memory every single track of the game so my body was able to operate on autopilot whenever I needed to drive around on a thumbstick. All signs pointed to the calling of a cab and leaving my car at Marty’s Place but I decided against it. As luck would have it, the moon seemed especially bright that night, allowing myself to easily drive around my hometown. I like to think back to this moment that somehow somewhere you were protecting me,

“What?”

 

I had a week of doing nothing so I did a little research, give me a break! Back to me driving, after I was able to drop Paul off at his house, I decided to return back to mine to finish off the night with whatever liquor I was able to find around my house. At 12:34 AM, I finally realized that perhaps I had in fact become an alcoholic. However, I continued with my drinking. Seeing as everyone in my home was either asleep or nowhere to be found, I decided to go back into the basement and watch few episodes of My Little Pony.

 

Seeing as this was my new secret obsession, I felt as if my alone time could be shared between my love of alcohol and my new love of pastel ponies. The drinking continued until I heard the most peculiar noise. In many other contexts the noise wouldn’t be peculiar, in fact I often heard this noise during the daytime when the local Jehovah’s Witnesses would make their morning rounds, Halloween was also a good time for said noise.

 

I’ve never really understood the context behind Halloween, I mean originally it was a celebration for the dead, but how did that become dress up and get candy? It’s not like I’ve disagreed with the holiday considering all of the Women would slowly and slowly wear less and less as they grew older. Wait, how do ponies approach Halloween? Am I going to have to dress like a slutty mare in order to fit the norm? Ugh… Wait ponies don’t even wear clothes normally, so why would the act of putting on clothes somehow make me sluttier? You know what, I’ll cross that bridge when it comes.

 

The noise, was a knock on the door followed by a ring on my doorbell. As I said, it wouldn’t have been peculiar except for the fact that it was 1:11 AM. But the even odder oddity was the fact that no one else seemed to hear it. Not even my dog, who would bark at the slightest pin drop assuming that it could be a threat outside, or a friend outside. Sometimes, I wasn’t really sure why or who he was barking at. I groggily paused the video walked upstairs, and contemplated opening the door.

 

It was at this brief moment that I realized while this could be nothing, it could be a serial killer or it could be Paul that for whatever reason decided to show up to my door wanting to party even more. However, it was option four, a package, addressed to Cloud Charmer. This time the actual Cloud Charmer, I remember that it was one hundred percent not my name at the time, but my name now. This struck me as odd, as I hadn’t been going by that name and that I had just made a silly original character not one week ago with the same name. I opened the box looking at the contents inside, only able to leave my mouth open,

“Oh my god"

It was me.