Title:           Everybody's Favorite Greenman - Prelude
Author:          DerpeDarp
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/6cwWUc3K
First Edit:      Thursday 1st of October 2015 05:54:57 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 1st of October 2015 05:54:57 PM CDT

>You be anon
>You've been living in Poneville for about 5 years now.
>The little kiddos annoy you to no end.
>You don't really have a job, because a certain purple alicorn always gives you whatever the hell you need.
>She even helped build your house for you.
>Its a nice place, in the outlying neighborhoods of the town.
>Not too far away from the Castle, "just in case you need anything."
>Hell, she walks up to your door, twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with at least 400 pounds of groceries.
>You wish she would come inside and help organize your kitchen, because either she wants it to be overflowing, or she wants you to be a glutton.
>About three years ago, you managed to find a way to get meat into Equestria from back home.
>Or rather, Purplesmart did. She brings you your meat burgers and bacons every Tuesday and Thursday.
>You haven't told her what those are made out of.
>Probably a good thing that you haven't.
>Most of the ponies are really nice and don't really seem to bother you that much.
>Most.
>The midget ones, though.
>The little kids.
>You wanted to scream, hurl out the window, and put a fist through the wall, all at the same time, just thinking about them.
>Every. Single. Fucking. Morning.
>"Mornin', Anon! Are you up yet?!?"
>Five. FUCKING. YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>"Hiya, Anon! Do you wanna come play with us?"
>It used to be that only one of them could get through the window, two if they were lucky, in the mornings.
>Once the orange chicken learned to fly, she simply catapulted all three of them inside.
>Three small horses, in your bedroom at 5 AM, asking loudly if you're up yet.
>And if you try going to bed at a later or earlier time to try to avoid them, They somehow manage to guess when you're getting up.
>1 AM: "GOODMORNIN, ANON! YOU UP YET?"
>Noon: "GOOD AFTERNOON, NONNY! YOU UP YET?"
>You even tried making yourself nocturnal for a while, just to avoid them.
>That failed miserably.
>6 PM: "Hiya Anon! Why've you been asleep all day?"
>Also tried sleeping nude, without bedsheets.
>You almost got hypothermia that night.
>And those little horses don't give a damn if your nightstick is showing.
>"Hiya Nonny! You look cold, need some warmth?"
>Good thing those little shitstains didn't stick around long enough to find out what morning wood was.
>If they had, you would have been arrested for pedophilia.
>Good thing.
>You got a chance to look at the laws of the place when you first got here.
>Some of the punishments were too draconian for you to believe.
>The punishment for Invasion of Privacy was a public flogging with a barbed cat o' nine tails.
>You vowed that from that point on, you would not dare break into a pony's house.
>To think that such a Confucianist society would use such harsh punishments for things like Breaking and Entering.
>It's like these ponies are insecure or something.
>Either that, or they just wanted to see one of their many supervillains get flogged with that hellish whip.
>You shudder at the thought.
>Nobody or pony deserved that, no matter what they did.
>If you remember correctly, the number of lashes was 100.
>Once again, you shudder.
>You also found out that a certain pretty pink princess was on her way to Poneville.
>Some sort of "annual visit" or something.
>You didn't care that much.
>Honestly, you were an extreme introvert.
>You liked that almost nopony bothered you here
>almost.
>Back on Earth, you despised the government whenever they called you in for jury duty.
>It seemed as if they liked you as a jury member.
>You got called in as often as was legal.
>The other members of the jury regarded you as the person whos input they trusted when it seemed like nobody could agree upon anything.
>You shake your head, trying not to remember your life on Earth.
>And how you were such a lonely faggot.
>You were thirty years old and still had never had a girlfriend at one point.
>You're thirty seven now, and you thought that would never change.
>You thought.
>implying.
 
To be continued...