Fluffy Story: Science

>You're a scientist working at a university

>About a third of your day is spent teaching basic skills to inexperienced freshmen

>The other two thirds is spent researching with several of your underclassmen, veterans in scientific progress and witnesses to the horrors of organic chemistry

>Currently, a foundation has given the university large sums of money to buy equipment--the caveat is that the university must perform research regarding Alzheimer disease

>You and your students labor fruitlessly for months

>Errybody be tired

>Suddenly, breakthrough!

>You and your undergrads have managed to create a protein that combats the neurological aging that causes Alzheimers

>Science needs test subjects, badly!

>Human testing is unethical, despite how inhuman your freshmen seem in their ignorance

>Can't buy any more monkeys, especially since that incident the motherfuckers in philosophy and English caused.

>They decided it'd be a great idea to test out the saying that "1,000 monkeys typing at 1,000 typewriters will eventually produce hamlet"

>You couldn't believe the amount of blood the fuckers got in your labs

>You didn't know a typewriter could fit in a monkey like that

>You didn't want to ever see it again, either.

>No more monkeys, and no Shakespeare was reproduced

>And PETA would jump down the university's throat if any housepets were used for science

>You're left with one option: fluffy ponies

 

>Wall down to the pet shop

>It's kinda chilly outside, but otherwise it's a beautiful day

>Get to the pet shop

>Open the door

>You neglect to get on the floor, however you do walk the dinosaur over to the counter.

>A look of horror comes into the owner's eyes when he sees the university's logo on your jacket

>This is the store that they special ordered the monkeys from

>"No, no, we have nothing for sale here today."

Relax, I'm getting my niece a birthday present.

>"Monkeys don't make good pets for children."

I'm not getting another monkey; my niece loves this show on TV about ponies, so I thought I'd get her one of those fluffy ponies that have gotten real popular.

>"No sir, we don't sell those."

I walked by their pen on the way in. Look, I'm serious: this is for my daughter. What sick man would experiment on a fluffy pony? Besides, they don't have enough body mass to be scientifically useful in the testing we do at the university.

>With a sigh, the owner walks over to the fluffy pen

>"Take your pick." he says flatly.

She likes the pink one in the show.

>You point to a pink one with a red mane

I'll take that one.

>The clerk takes picks it up, scans and removes the barcode tied to its hoof, and hands it to you.

>He doesn't say a word

Well, have a good day.

>Still nothing

>Fucker won't say anything

>You walk out of the store with your new fluffy pony

>Oh the science we're gonna do together!

 

>Get back to the lab

>All your upperclassmen have left

>You figure it doesn't take more than one person to inject a pony with a syringe

>"Fwuffy pway?"

No, not right now. We'll play later.

>"But I wan' pway now!"

Okay, let's play hide and seek. Now, close your eyes and count to ten!

>"Yay fun pway! One...two....uhhh....one..."

>Fluffy can't count above two, so it just keeps going back to one

>Plenty of time

>You grab a needle and begin drawing it with the serum

>Grab the fluffy, stab it with the needle, and inject the serum

>The fluffy screams

>"Meanie! Owies, fwuffy hurts fwom meany's poker!"

>You hope you don't end up waking the night janitor

>You owe him some money since the last time he kicked your ass at cards, and you've been avoiding him ever since

>Seriously, fuck him. Fuck the pet shop guy. But more importantly:

>Fuck your freshmen.

>The goddamned fluffy is still screaming

>You realize you need its vocal chords in tact

>With a sigh, you inject it again with a sedative

>You wince from the screech it makes, but then it goes limp

>Fuck, you killed it.

>Well, that kind of sucks

>Oh well, you can at least have some fun dissecting it tomorrow.

>Yeah, that'll be cool.

>Leave the corpse on the table

>Cover it with a small sheet so your freshmen don't get the heebie jeebies like the last time you dissected something

>There were just so many dead monkeys in the typewriter incident...they wouldn't miss one corpse.

>The freshmen didn't eat bananas for like a month

>You started eating bananas every day once you noticed

>Laughed your ass off at their faces

>Exit the lab, turn off the light

>The mass under the sheet grows larger

 

>Wake up in the morning

>Feel quite like P-Diddy

>Glance at your calendar, realize what day it is

>It's 7:00 in the morning

>Gotta wake up

>Gotta go downstairs, have a bowl of cereal

>Cheerilee O's.

>Exit your humble abode

>Walk to work

>You've always walked to work; you lived incredibly close to the university

>Enter your science building

>Fuck yeah, it's Friday.

>And fuck yeah, it's your birthday. You might not yell at the freshmen today

>You're in an awesome mood

>But...

>Something seems...off

>The lights are on in your lab

>Jimmie status: Rustled

>If it's a freshman fucking around in your room, you're going to have another body to dissect.

>Open the door

>"SURPRISE!"

>What in the absolute fuck?

>There is a pony in your lab

>There are balloons everywhere

>The music is kindof catchy

>Everything seems cool besides the pony and--

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ARE YOU FAGCUNTS DOING?

>Your freshmen are eating. In your lab.

>Your freshmen are drinking. In your lab.

>You expressly told them never to do this.

>The music stops

>You hear a dripping

>Oh god, what now?

>A freshman has pissed itself.

Fuck.

>It runs out crying.

>Double fuck.

>The other freshmen file out silently.

>Oh well, at least you have tenure.

>"Hey, what's the big idea? I was just throwing a party for you since it's your birthday and all!"

>You look over to the pink equine

>She runs out to get the freshmen

>They come back in

>The party resumes

>The freshmen never eat or drink again in your lab

>Pink equine walks over to you

>You realize something:

>Pinkie pie is in your lab throwing you a birthday party.

 

>You weren't a brony

>You hated bronies

>They were flamboyant faggots, and flaunted their love of a little girls' show like your freshmen flaunted their ignorance

>Fuck your freshmen.

>Still, pink equine standing in front of you.

Who are you, and how did you get here?

>You know the answer to the first part already

>"My name is Pinkie Pie, and you bought me from the pet store, remember? I didn't appreciate being stabbed like that last night...but it's fine! Here, have a muffin!"

>She hands you a muffin

I don't know, really, it'---

>She shoves it in your mouth

>Jesus in a corndog, that is the most delicious muffin you have ever eatin

>You savor its flavor until you com to a sudden realization

You're the fluffy I bought last night?!

>"Yeah, you silly filly! Don't you recognize me?"

But you aren't fluffy!

>"Whatever you injected me with turned me into this! I feel a lot smarter and stronger now."

>Your jimmies are so rustled, that their jimmies are rustled. It's jimmieception going on inside of you.

Well-I...

>Fuck

>This isn't good

>You thought you had a cure to Alzheimer disease

>It turns out, you created a sentient species

>And you don't get to cut open a corpse

>Well, that last bit could be fixed...

>You glance over to a freshman, babbling to its classmate about something stupid

>No, not today.

>You can't afford manslaughter today

>Not when science has been done.

>You decide to take Pinkie out to eat tonight

Hey Pinkie, ever heard of the Chuckle Bucket?

 

>Pinkie agrees to come with you

>You both go to the Chuckle Bucket, an awesome standup joint that had great hot wings

>Somehow, Pinkie has acquired a tuxedo

>Order your food, idle chat with Pinkie about the stupidity of your freshmen while watching the standup

>The first comedian was pretty good

>The second one bombed

>You hate to say it, but even your freshmen could do better than that

>Fuck your freshmen

>"Hey Anon, I've got an idea!"

What, Pinkie?

>"I'll get up there and do some standup!"

>This won't end well

Pinkie, I...

>Before you can say anything, she's up there in ten seconds flat

>She pauses, a look of horror on her face

>You have got to be kidding me

>Pinkie Pie, life of the party, has stage fright

>Someone in the crowd shots "Come on, what are you waiting for?"

>Pinkie gets an idea

>Pun cannon activate

>"I dunno, water you waiting for?"

>She takes a sip of water

>Fluffy pone drowns

>You need a new fluffy pone