Girl's Night Out (sans Dipper)

"Mabel! Hurry it up already!" Stanford Pines honked on the horn for the third time since getting in ten minutes ago.

 

"Just another minute, Gruncle Stan!" Mabel shouted from the attic window. He was losing patience, but what was he going to do? Tell her he changed his mind?

 

Dipper wandered by, "Hey Dipper, you sure you don't wanna come with? We've got room for one more...although with that one girl we'll probably have to put you in the trunk."

 

Dipper just stared at him.

 

"It's because she's fat, you see."

 

"Listen," said Dipper, "I'd love to ride in a car with three girls for an hour listening to them talk about boys over their girly pop-musi-"

 

"Pffft, ahahaha!" Gruncle Stan honked the horn while laughing. "I'm sure you'd hate that! Seriously though, get in the car, they're going to drive me insane."

 

"Gruncle Stan, I have better things to do than spend all day hanging out with kids my own age..."

 

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

 

"Like..." Dipper shuffled his feet, he peeked at the window in the side of the Mystery Shack at Wendy. "Like hanging out with Soos..."

 

"Yeesh, you need some serious help," Stan stuck his finger in his ear and pulled out a wad of something that may have been earwax. "So you're saying that rather than spend the day with girls, your own age, you'd like to sit here and try to catch rats with Mr. Musical Armpits?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Geeze, are you becoming a priest or something?"

 

"Come on, Dipper!" Mabel appeared right behind him startling them both. She had the reflexes of a cat. Sometimes she'd appear so suddenly that one time she almost literally gave Gruncle Stan a heart attack. "We can go to the arcade, and get ice-cream, and see a movie..."

 

"And braid each others hair, and go clothes-shopping, and get our nails done, nuh-uh. I've been to the mall with you enough times before to know where this is going," said Dipper.

 

"Geeze, Dipper it sounds like you'd fit right in!" Gruncle Stan laughed while honking the horn again. The horn made him feel funnier.

 

"This time will be different! This time my friends are coming along! You'll get to hang out all day with Candy and Grenda and me! It'll be awesome!"

 

"No thanks," said Dipper. "I think I'll pass on Girl's Night Out."

 

"Suit yourself!" said Gruncle Stan. Mabel climbed into the front seat. "But the next time you want me to waste gas on you it'll be too soon."

 

"You waste enough gas on us already, Gruncle Stan," Dipper smiled.

 

"Harumph," Gruncle Stan put the car in first and headed out on the road.

 

"He knows Wendy's going home, in like, an hour right?" said Mabel.

 

"What, does he have a crush on her or something?" asked Stan.

 

Mabel smiled. "I don't think he'd like me telling anybody...but yes!"

 

"Yeah, I figured as much," said Stan. "I could've sworn I saw him making out with his hand earlier. He said he was, 'Chewing on a mosquito bite.'"

 

"Get out!" she punched him in the arm. "That is hilarious!"

 

"I told him that chewing and licking are completely different things!"

 

They both laughed long and loud. When it died down silence pervaded the car.

 

Mabel kicked her feet against the glove box. "So...how are things between you and Lazy Susan?"

 

"Every time I talk about my love-life with you, Soos ends up in a dress," said Stan, "and as hilarious as that is, that's something I try my best to avoid."

 

"Did you go on a daaate?" Mabel smiled.

 

"No."

 

"Boop!" she poked him in the nose. "Yes you diiid...boop boop!"

 

"Stop booping me! It wasn't a date..."

 

"Yes it waaas, beep bop boop!" She was poking dangerously close to his eye.

 

"Shut up! What have I told you about booping in the car?" He sighed. "We had lunch at the diner. You gonna draw up wedding invitations?!"

 

"Oooh, I knew it...wait, the diner? Greasy's Diner?"

 

"Yeah, I got a discount," Gruncle Stan turned left.

 

"Ugh, Gruncle Stan! She works there!" Mabel crossed her arms. "That's so lame..."

 

"What do you take me for? She wasn't working at the time! We both had a delicious half-off lunch special!" Stan smiled. "Plus she didn't leave unsatisfied. When it comes to pleasin' the ladies, there's a reason they call me Stan the Man..."

 

"What are you talking about, you didn't know the first thing about even talking to women last week!"

 

Gruncle Stan sweated, "No, I mean...not talking to ladies...but...listen, maybe I'll explain when you're older...or not at all...ew..."

 

"What?"

 

"ASK YOUR PARENTS ABOUT IT! DISCUSSION OVER!"

 

"There they are!" Mabel pointed out her window to her friends standing by the side of the road. They screeched to a halt. "Hey guys!" She got out of the car.

 

"Greetings, Mabel!" said Candy.

 

"Hi Mabel!" said Grenda, gripping her in a bear hug. They all piled into the backseat; the car noticeably shifted when Grenda got in.

 

"Hey you, get in the middle, I don't want the tires to wear on my passenger side," if Grenda was offended, she didn't show it.

 

"Is that a lizard?" asked Stan.

 

"Yeah," said Grenda, "Its name is-"

 

"Is it going to let one go all over my pleather interior?" Stan squinted his eyes.

 

"Oh no, its trained...for the most part..."

 

Stan growled something under his breath.

 

"So a-Mabel, did you whatch Popular Cel-hebwity Dan-hesing Con-atest last-eh night?" said Candy.

 

"Here we go," said Stan, as the three proceeded to yammer on and on about who knows what for the next hour. They talked about teen-dramas, and who was dating who, they sang along to a couple songs on the radio, and at one point they talked about how Mabel made her sweaters.

 

"I have a notebook that holds all my future-sweater ideas! I call it my Sweat-tome! Next time I get near a sewing machine, I'm gonna make a sweater with a crocodile holding a guitar that says Rock-o-dile!"

 

Gruncle Stan had a sewing machine stored in a closet somewhere...he made a note to make sure she never found it.

 

They arrived at the mall in the next town over a half hour later. "You three stick together!" yelled Gruncle Stan from the car window. "I'll be back here at eight o' clock on the button so don't make me get out of the car to look for you!"

 

"I can't believe they're making a movie out of Duck-tective!" said Mabel as they came out of the theater. "That's gonna rock So Hard!" she screwed up her face to look how she felt. Intense!

 

"I a-hear they're going to get John Oleevur to play a-Duck-tective..." said Candy.

 

Grenda's face lit up. "Really?! John Oliver's so hot. This one time, I had a dream that he took me on a gondola ride through Venice!"

 

Mabel smiled, "It sounds like somebody has a cruuush!"

 

"You're dang straight I do, girlfriend!" said Grenda. They all started laughing.

 

"We must be at my dad's ranch, cause I can hear the horses whinnying," came an all-too-familiar voice. "Nope, it's just Mabel and the Clod Squad!" Pacifica Northwest stood there laughing at her own joke, flanked by her friends.

 

"Hey Pacifica," said Mabel, ignoring another insult. "Do you like Duck-tective?

 

"I'm sorry, what?"

 

"Duck-tective! It's a show about this duck that solves mysteries in London's East End! I know you have the channel, it's on Public Broadcasting!" Grenda and Candy looked scared, but Mabel continued to beam. Whether she was oblivious or optimistic, they couldn't say.

 

"I don't watch shows that are on channels you don't have to pay for," said Pacifica. "I swear, you really are hopeless, Mabel."

 

"I don't follow..."

 

Pacifica flicked her hair back and gave a sadistic smile. "You...are...hopeless. As in, there is no hope for you...as in, you can't get any more hope, as in, you're a dorky little kid still playing with dolls while the rest of the world is going on dates and owns cellphones."

 

"I could get a date..." said Mabel, feeling unsure of herself. "...I'm just happy the way I am is all..."

 

"And a-besides," chimed in Candy. "Cell-phones give offa dangerous radiation."

 

"I swear if I ever want to feel better about myself, all I need is to hang around you three," said Pacifica. "Talk is cheap, Mabel. Why don't you show us how much of a 'big girl' you really are? If any of you can find a date in one hour, I'll treat you all to dinner. Even Grenda, although I'll have to max out my dad's card!"

 

"Ow...that one hurt more than usual," said Grenda.

 

"And if we win," continued Pacifica, "well, we get to keep on living amazing privileged lives that you can only dream of..."

 

"You know what, Pacifica, you're on!" Mabel put on her determined face. "Come on girls! Let's snag ourselves a man!"

 

Candy held up neon orange, green, and pink bits of string she'd won earlier from the arcade, "Where there a-friendship bracelets, anathing can be a-possible!"

 

When Pacifica was out of earshot and eyesight, they huddled together, "Okay," said Mabel, "Who's got a plan?"

 

"I don't think we can do it, gals," said Grenda. "Every time I talk to boys my hands get all sweaty and I sort of freak out."

 

"Come on, Grenda!" said Mabel, "Get your head in the game! We're gonna make Pacifica eat her words while we eat the dinner we made her pay for! Candy, what do you got?"

 

"We could a-go to the food court...or to the ahcade, or we could just walk aroun, there ah plenty of boys everywhere," said Candy.

 

"Good, good, what else?" asked Mabel.

 

"We should probably split up," said Grenda. "That way we don't have to compete with one another and we can cover more ground."

 

"Yeah...yeah, I'm likin' your thinkin' Grenda! Candy, you head to the food court, Grenda, you go to the arcade. And me? I'll cover the spaces in between the two. And remember girls, we have the power of friendship bracelets...ready...break!"

 

They split off and Mabel started in immediately. She closed in on a boy with red hair, that looked roughly around her age. "What's the word, hummingbird?"

 

"Hummingbird?" The boy was confused.

 

"It's an old-timey phrase my gruncle uses...it means, 'What's going on?'"

 

"What's a Gruncle?"

 

"You know, like Great Uncle? Gruncle?" He started backing away. "It's like a grandpa, but not. Come on, don't you have a Great Uncle?"

 

"I don't...think I do?"

 

"You haven't answered my question yet, hot-stuff."

 

"About hummingbirds?"

 

"Well, yeah, but about how you're doing!"

 

"I'm...fine..."

 

Mabel decided she wasn't going to close this deal, she'd better move on to improve her chances. "Well, it's been fun, great to get to know you. If you run into an Asian girl in the food court or a girl with a lizard on her shoulder in the arcade, you should totally ask them out!" He started briskly walking away. "It's like you're made for either one of them!"

 

Candy looked around the food court. There was a blond boy with a skateboard sitting at a table eating a burger that was too big for him. "Friend-aship Bracelets..." she whispered to herself as she walked over to him.

 

"If you cut yowah bewrger in half you can make it a-fit youwah mouth much better, I think," said Candy smiling.

 

He looked at her and lifted the burger to his mouth.

 

"Plus, if a-you eat the edges first," said Candy, he held the burger in mid-air with his mouth still open. "You a-keep the ketchup from spilling out a-the sides...of course you couldeh use the wrappor to hold the a-bewrger togethur. But at thisa point, you'd have to wrap it up again."

 

He stared at her and continued lifting the burger to his mouth.

 

Candy started feeling nervous, "And if you remove the lettuce, tohamayto, and the-uh onion, iz like a littuluh salad that can a-go with the hambewger."

 

He took a bite of the burger and chewed slowly.

 

She could feel sweat start to form on her forehead. "You don't a-want to date me e-yet, do you?" asked Candy.

 

He got up, picked up his skateboard, put the burger in his mouth, and walked away.

 

Candy put her head on the table. She looked sadly at her friendship bracelet. "You have fehled me..."

 

At the arcade, Grenda had been watching one particular black kid lose badly at Plumber Warriors, but he kept playing.

 

"Hey," she walked up behind him, but he didn't hear her. "Hey there...you."

 

"One sec," said the boy. His plumber was killed by a Sewer Turtle. "Ah crud! Sorry man, did you want a turn?" He turned around to look at her, slightly shocked.

 

"Nah," said Grenda. She ran her fingers behind her ear. "I just wanted to say that...you could probably live a lot longer if you held the down and jump button. It makes your guy slide across the floor and kills the Turtles."

 

"Really?!" he put another quarter in and started playing, "is this how you do it?" He performed the Floor Slide.

 

"Yeah, there you go! Now you can pick up their turtle shells and throw them."

 

"Ah cool! It's like I'm playing a whole new game!"

 

Grenda smiled.

 

"What's your name?" said the kid.

 

It started. Her palms were sweating. "Uh...my name's Grenda. What's your name?"

 

"The name's Tom. Is that a lizard on your shoulder?"

 

Grenda looked at her lizard and then down at her feet. "Yeah...yeah it is." She turned to go.

 

"That's sooo awesome! I wish I had a lizard that I could put on my shoulder like a pirate!" Her knees started trembling.

 

"Uhm...you can swing from those little rope dealies up there. It helps you get over the spikes..." Her heart started beating faster.

 

"Wow, you're like, a one-woman walkthrough! Do you play this game a lot?" He continued to play.

 

"Yeah, I...uh..." said Grenda. She started hyperventilating, "I play this at home all the...uh...time..." The room was closing in around her.

 

"Dang it! My guy died! I'm not very good at this." Everything started sounding muffled, like she was underwater.

 

"We don't have video games at my home, so I only get to play them here." Everything was going black, why was it so hot? What was he saying? She couldn't hear him! "I hope this isn't weird, but would you like to go hang out at th-" WHAM

 

Grenda punched him in the face. "I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! RAAAGH!" She ran screaming from the arcade.

 

Mabel, Candy, and Grenda regrouped later where they made the promise with Pacifica.

 

"How did you guys do?" asked Mabel, defeated.

 

"I found thewty two new a-ways to eat a hamburger...but no a-mall boys," looking pitiful.

 

"I punched a kid in the face and ran for half a mile," said Grenda, rubbing her arm. "You?"

 

"I don't know...I talked to twenty five boys but none of them knew what a Gruncle was. I blew it you guys. I didn't mean to drag you into this..." Mabel hung her head in shame. "Maybe we should leave the mall before Pacifica finds us."

 

"Uh oh," said Grenda. Pacifica was closing in.

 

"Well, well, well, it looks like Sad, Sadder, and Saddest get to eat poor people food again tonight," Pacifica laughed. She snapped her fingers and her friends laughed in tow. "Or am I wrong, did any of you find dates...anyone?"

 

"Listen, Pacifica, we..." began Mabel but at that moment the mall music cut out and a particularly loud announcement was made over the PA system.

 

"Attention shoppers," came a familiar voice. "Will Pacifica Northwest please report to the Millard's Department Store. You've left four packages of personalized granny-style under garments on the counter..."

 

"What?! Those aren't mine!" yelled Pacifica.

 

"Your personalized granny-style under garments have your name embroidered on them. That name is P-A-C-I-F-I-C-A Northwest! That is all."

 

"Granny Panties?" said Mabel grinning from ear to ear.

 

"Those aren't mine!" Pacifica turned around to her friends, "Those aren't mine!" They started backing away, like they barely knew her.

 

"Granny panehties?" said Candy.

 

"Not even my grandma wears those," said Grenda. She furrowed her brow, "Because they're so lame..."

 

"No!" Everyone started looking at her. "Those aren't mine! I'm not lame!" She ran screaming at the top of her lungs.

 

"Yeesh, what's her deal?" said Gruncle Stan, tossing a tiny radio onto the ground.

 

"Apparently she left her old-woman underwear somewhere and she's running to go get them," said Mabel, she smiled, but it was a sad smile.

 

"Hah! She won't coerce a group of yahoos to pelt an old man with tomatoes again, anytime soon. What's wrong with you, munchkin?" said Stan. Mabel held her elbow and her lower lip trembled.

 

"It's just...we spent all night trying to find dates, because of something Pacifica said...and she was right all along...we're hopeless..." They all looked down at their feet.

 

Gruncle Stan got on his knee and put his hand on Mabel's shoulder. "Mabel, the only thing that people like Pacifica worry about is what other people think of them. And when you spend all your time being someone you're not, you end up forgetting who you are and what makes you happy. All Pacifica has is money, but you girls have more heart in your little fingers than she has in...that place where her heart should be. And besides, you girls are still young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. And when you're older, you'll all find that special someone that can tolerate being around you the longest. And you'll feel the same way about them."

 

They all gave hopeful smiles, "Thanks, Gruncle Stan," said Mabel kissing him on the cheek.

 

"Meh," Gruncle Stan grunted and wiped it off, but smiled and gave Mabel a tiny hug. "Oh! FYI, we need to get out of here before Mall Security shows up. I kind of kifed one of their radios to make that announcement and I'm not technically 'allowed on the premises.'"

 

"There he is!" said an overweight man in a mall-cop uniform, "Get him!"

 

"Cheese it, girls!" yelled Gruncle Stan.

 

"That was some nice hustle you showed out there today, Grenda!" said Stan. "Plus you've got one heckuva right hook! That guard's gonna wake up in the morning thinking he got hit by a truck! You could make some money off that if you work on it!"

 

"Aw, thanks Mr. Pines," said Grenda blushing as she got out of the car.

 

"And Candy, wow," Stan continued, "who knew there were so many ways to eat a hamburger!"

 

"That is what I a-have been sayhing!" Candy got out as well, smiling.

 

"I'll see you later girls! Tonight was the best!" yelled Mabel.

 

"Good night, Mabel!"

 

"See a-you later!"

 

Gruncle Stan put it back in first and then second. "Thanks for turning things around tonight, Gruncle Stan," said Mabel. "Without you we'd probably never talk about tonight again."

 

"Well, I've had plenty of those kind of nights for one lifetime," said Stan, adjusting his mirrors. "Just do me a favor when we get back..."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Tell Dipper that Wendy showed up at the mall and asked where he was."

 

"Aheha! That'll get him good!" said Mabel. They laughed about it the rest of the way home.