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AlaskanAnon in equestria ch. 9

By: CuriousAnon on Oct 7th, 2012 | syntax: None | size: 41.05 KB | hits: 401 | expires: Never

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>Consciousness breaks upon your mind slowly, heralded by the sound of soft breathing all around you
>You're warm
>Really warm
>You didn't think it would be possible to be this warm with just blankets
>But you are anyway
>You crack your eyes open
>And nearly jump out of your pants
>Inches from your own, a purple face smiles
>Uh oh
>You forgot to turn your swag off
>Now you've woken up covered in mares
>Literally
>Your blanket is on the floor
>Replaced by a softly snoring layer of flesh and fur
>Even in sleep, they blush
>Twilight herself lays on your chest, smiling
>Well shit
>You need to stoke the fire and cook breakfast
>And, more importantly, you have to piss
>You carefully free your arms from underneath Rarity and Rainbow
>Then, slowly, gently, you lift Twilight off your chest and set her next to you
>She sighs, but doesn't wake up
>Phew
>You sit up
>Now for the p0nies on your lower half
>Fluttershy lays across your waist
>And on your legs are Pinkie Pie and AppleJack
>Fluttershy is the first you move
>You marvel at how light she is
>Must be part of the whole pegasus thing
>...and your pants are still on
>Thank god they couldn't manage your zipper while sleeping
>You don't know what you would have done if you woke up t-
>Best not to think about that
>You move AppleJack next
>She slides off willingly enough
>Pinkie Pie though
>Damn
>She's fucking cuddling your leg
>Your attempts to dislodge her only cause her to giggle faintly and wrap her hooves more firmly around it
>That's one hell of a grip she's got
>You could pry her off
>If you really wanted to
>But from what little you know of the bubbly pink menace, she'd probably wake up the rest of them in the process
>And you don't need that right now
>So you allow her to remain attached
>Instead, you grab your stuff
>On go the glasses, the holster and knife, all the other little things that help you through the day
>That accomplished, you limp over to the stove to stoke up the fire
>The bed of coals glows, then flares into brilliant light as you place a few sticks inside
>The fire stoked, you consider your situation
>You really have to piss
>Really, REALLY badly
>Fuck it
>You don't care what Pinkie Pie sees or does not see
>You're gonna go piss RIGHT NOW
>You stumble out the tent flap
>And right up to an inviting tree
>Upon further consideration, you reach down and spin Pinkie around your leg so she's facing away
>Then you pull down your fly and unleash the waterfall
>When you finish, you've melted a hole straight through the snow and down to the ground
>You zip up your pants and head back inside the tent
>Time for breakfast
>You stiff-leg it over to the pile of bags and extract a few cooking supplies
>ingredients, spatula, frying pan
>All the good stuff
>Then you make your way back over to the stove and begin cooking
>If you're lucky, the smell will cause your companions to wake up thinking of food instead of how to corner you
>You're just setting the pan on top of the stove when something pokes your groin
>Your head snaps downward
>A pair of blue eyes stare back at you innocently
>"Hiya Nonny! Oh, can I ca-"
Pinkie
>"-ll you that? Anyway, I was wo-
PINKIE
>"-ndering if you could make some of th-"
PINKIE LET GO OF MY JUNK
>The hoof falls away and instead wraps back around your leg
>You immediately look over to the other five
>Who, by some form of miracle, are still sleeping
>Then you look back down at Pinkie
>Where do you even begin...
Pinkie, could you please get off my leg?
>"I could get off your le-"
>TOO LOUD
SSSSHHHH
>"Why? Is th-"
>You reach down and put a hand over her muzzle, ceasing her babbling
I want to surprise everyone with breakfast when they wake up
>You release her muzzle
And I can't really do that if you wake them up before then, can I?
>She puts both her hooves over her mouth and nods
Now then, could you please get off my leg?
>Pinkie immediately releases your leg, and stands up
>"So, can I call you Nonny?"
Call me Anon
>"Alright Anon!"
She turns and heads for the tent flap
>She probably has to go too
Hey Pinkie
>You whisper
>She stops
How long have you been awake you awake?
>"Long enough"
>When she's all the way out the flap you shudder
>Then you turn back to the stove and resume cooking
>Pinkie bounces back through the flap just as you're cracking the eggs
>Then she sits down to watch you
>When you dump the eggs in the pan, she opens her muzzle
>"Hey Nonny, I could show you a REAL party..."
Really Pinkie? Really?
>She grins at you
>"Nope! Just kidding!"
>Half a minute passes as you continue to flip eggs
>"Unless you want to..."
Nope
>You respond without even looking over your shoulder
>"No?"
>You turn around to look at her
>She's smiling at you again
Uh uh
>The smile grows wider
>"Not even a teensy weensy littl-"
>The improbability of the situation dawns on her
>She sits down and starts giggling
>Then, realizing her folly, she puts her hooves up to her mouth and downgrades to a few muffled snorts
>When she finishes, you speak up
Pinkie?
>"Yeah Anon?"
Would you like to help me make breakfast?
>"I'd love to!"
>Pinkie Pie is a surprisingly adept cooking assistant
>Then again, she does work in a bakery
>So perhaps not all that surprising
>You manage to fry the eggs and hashbrowns to perfection without incident
>But now it's time for the tube cakes
>You pick up a bowl and mixer, along with a few choice ingredients
Pinkie, could you turn around for a bit?
>"What?"
It's time for the tube cakes.
>You tap the side of your nose
Family secret, remember?
>"Oh! I remember!"
>She turns around
>You correspondingly turn to the mixing bowl
>Then, just as quickly you turn back to Pinkie, who is watching you over her shoulder
NO PEEKING
>"Awwwwww!"
Pinkieeeee
>"Okie Dokie!"
>She turns back around
>You go back to your batter
>Twenty minutes later, the delicious aroma of cooking flapjacks fills the tent
>You set the steaming plate of tube cakes with all the rest of the food
>Now for the fun part
>Waking up the rest of your charges
Pinkie, you can turn back around now. I need your help
>"Why, whatever do you need, dearest Anonymous?"
>You grimace
Could you wake up the others while I get out the drinks?
>"Of course I can!"
Great
>You make your third and final trip to the supply pile
>Glasses in one hand and water jug in the other, you turn around to see Pinkie with a party blower the approximate size and length of her leg
>She takes an impossibly massive breath and brings the blower to her mouth
P-
>The party blower extends, emitting a sound not that far from a foghorn
>The effect upon the sleeping p0nies is immediate
>Fluttershy jumps three feet in the air, then rolls over on her back when she lands, frozen
>Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, shoots straight through the roof
>Rarity yelps, her mane poofing out to Pinkie Pie levels of puffiness
>Twilight rolls over, somehow still groggy
>"mmmhm... Yes, I'd love to..."
>AppleJack seizes her hat without even opening her eyes and jams it on her head
>"ALL RAIGHT GRANNY, AH'M READY FER APPLEBUCKIN'!"
>Eyes still closed, she takes off at a dead run for the tent flap
>And straight into your legs
>When the world stops rotating sickeningly, you open your eyes
>And for the third time this morning, you jump involuntarily
>AppleJack is inches from your face, laying on your chest just like a certain purple mare was not even an hour ago
>The primary difference being that AppleJack is very much awake
>Something is...
>Off about her
>You can't quite place what i-
>Oh
>She doesn't have her hair bands on
>You've never seen her without them
>Her mane is tickling your neck
>"Wahl, good mornin' thar sugarcube" she says, winking at you
>Never a break, it seems
Get off
>"Now why would ah do that? Ah'm perfectly happy raight where ah-"
>You shove her off your chest and leap to your feet
>The rest of the p0nies are in various states of recovery
>Twilight grins sheepishly at you
>Fluttershy is just now regaining her feet
>Rarity is staring into a small mirror with no small amount of horror
>A pair of magenta eyes peer through the hole in the tent roof
>And Pinkie Pie is rolling on the floor laughing, the party blower nowhere to be seen
>You pick up the scattered cups and jug as AppleJack grabs her hat and removes two hair bands from the inside
Good morning everyone
>"Pinkie, darling, did you have to be so loud?" asks a grief-stricken Rarity
>"No..."
>"then... why?" squeaks Fluttershy
>"Because it's more fun this way!"
>You sense a shitstorm a-brewin'
>And you don't need any more holes in the tent
>So you point to the small feast, recently assembled
Breakfast?
>They all pick up their small bags and head outside
>They too, it seems, have business to attend
>While they're busy, you set out plates, cups and silverware in a circle
>In the center you place the food, along with the water jug, the milk jug and the orange juice
>A voice drifts down through the hole in the roof
>"Hey Anonymous, could you throw me my bag?"
Uh, sure
>You pick up the small blue duffel bag and toss it through the hole in the ceiling
>Something, presumably Rainbow, catches it and pulls it out of view
>"Thanks"
No problem
>You're not going to ask
>By the time you finish setting the eating area, the p0nies are back inside
>They all look very much refreshed
>Twilight's mane is no longer frazzled from sleep
>AppleJack has her hair bands on once more
>Rarity's even managed to return her mane to its usual, curly state
>You sit down crosslegged in front of your plate
Alright, let's eat
>A commotion of activity erupts as everyone reaches for the food
>your hopes seem to be realized
>The mares are more focused on the food than you
>"Aw man Anonymous, did you make those awesome pancakes? I love those pancakes!"
>Well someone's enthusiastic this morning
They're tube cakes, and yeah I-
>"Ah do like me some tube cakes, ah must admit"
>There's a general scramble for the plate of tube cakes from all but Rarity and Fluttershy
>"Rarity, you have to try Anon's tube cakes! They're the best tube cakes EVER!" Chimes in Pinkie
>"Hmmph. I don't see why he needs to roll them up like that..."
>None the less, she takes a tube cake and daintily cuts a piece off the end
>Then she considers it for a moment as it sits on the end of her fork, before taking it delicately in her mouth
>The instant it hits her tongue, she's sold
>All the daintiness Rarity employed for the first bite disappears in a flurry of maple syrup and flying cutlery
>Rarity more or less inhales the rest of her tube cake
>She seizes another and reduces it to edible chunks
>This one, too, disappears with similar rapidity
>She reaches for a third, at which point you reach out and stop her
Leave some for Fluttershy, could you?
>She pauses
>Then, just as quickly as it came, it passes
>She begins cleaning herself with a napkin
>"Why Anonymous, these... "Tube" cakes are positively divine! I had no idea you were such a good cook"
>You smile at her
>Breakfast resumes its usual rate
>That is, until Twilight's horn starts glowing...
>Twilight pans her head around a bit
>Then her gaze locks right on to you
>FUCK
>You should have known better than to make pancakes for unicorns
>You remember what happened last time
>That white sheen covers her eyes and she starts to hover in a crackling purple field, just like before
>Now Rarity's horn is glowing too
>"Uh, Twilight? Rarity? What's going on..."
>Interesting
>Rarity doesn't seem to get the sheen over her eyes that Twilight does
>Nor does she hover quite as hig-
>"Aaahh! Wh-What is this! I've never f-felt such p-"
>Your train of thought is utterly blown to shreds as an all-too-familiar purple beam shoots out of Twilight's horn and into your forehead
>It is joined a second later by a pale blue beam, from Rarity
>Before the light utterly blanks out everything, you manage one last thought
>Double the fun
>You're the first to sit up
>All the dishes and food are still in place
>There are still a few crackles of purple and blue energy sparking about
>In front of you sits a stack of multi colored ammo cans
>There's one large, standard ammo can
>Like, really large
>YOu're not sure the military ever MADE a can this large
>Lining the edges are six smaller ammo cans
>One purple, one white, one blue, one orange, one yellow and one pink with various markings on the corners
>And sitting on top of the large ammo can is a grey square of neatly folded cloth
>By now, some of the others are beginning to recover
>"BEST TUBECAKES EVER!"
Why thank you Pinkie. I appreciate your enthusiasm
>You reach out and grab the square of fabric
>The second you touch it, you nearly drop it
>It changes instantaneously from grey to an off white with faint streaks of grey light
>You persist in picking it up, and it unfurls
>You have to stand up to get it unfolded all the way
>it comes up to about neck height
>At the bottom there's a metal clasp made to look like a snowflake
>You flip it over and examine the clasp more closely
>The workmanship is superb; if it wasn't a polished grey, you could swear this was a snowflake
>So, a cloak
>Just the right height too
>Rarity sits up
>her mane has returned to Pinkie Pie levels of puffiness
>Win some, lose some, you guess
>"Anonymous... May I see that?"
>Something on the inside of the cloak catches your eye
In a minute
>Your suspicions are rewarded when you find a pocket
>It's roughly the size of a deck of cards
>Curious, you stick your hand inside, feeling for the bottom
>Your arm goes in up to your elbow before you realize what's happening
>The pocket widens to accommodate it
>You keep pushing, and soon you have your entire arm up to your shoulder inside a pocket that should barely be deep enough for your forearm
>By now, the rest of your companions have recovered their senses
>"Whut in tarnation..."
>"What the hay just happened?"
>You shrug, the cloak bobbing where your arm should be
It's magic
>You look at Twilight and wink
I've found it's better not to question it
>You withdraw your arm and hand the cloth over to Rarity's waiting hooves
>When it touches them, the cloth immediately changes color
>Rarity gasps
>Now, instead of the off white the cloth is a deep, aquamarine blue
>Shot through with diamonds, emeralds, rubies and other precious stones
>As you watch, it shrinks
>And the clasp morphs from a snowflake to a trio of diamonds, just like Rarity has on her flank
>Rarity now looks more like someone just punched her in the face
>This, combined with her new mane, creates quite an amusing sight
>So much so that you snicker a bit
>This breaks her trance
>"I... I've seen similar things done before, but never to this detail..."
>She goes over the entire cloak with her hooves, inspecting it closely
>Hmmmm
>"can I see that now?" pipes up Twilight
>"Certainly, dear"
>Rarity hands the cloak over
>This time, the cloak turns a deep purple
>The same color as her mane
>It is patterned with both the mark on her flank and some sort of emblem
>It looks like a crossed quill and unicorn horn
>The clasp, too, changes to the mark on her flank
>Something else you'll have to ask about
>You leave Twilight to examine the cloak and turn to the ammo cans
>Colorful cans, or Big Willy?
>Big Willy
>You grab the large can by the handle and lift it out of the ring of smaller ammo cans
>Then you set it in front of you and start undoing the latches on the side
>The attention of your compatriots shifts from Twilight to you
>The can unseals with that familiar hiss
>Inside, you see...
>Shotgun shells
>Shotgun shells everywhere
>The inside is neatly partitioned into three separate compartments
>And in each compartment lay shotgun shells
>This is a fuckton more ammo than you have in the truck
>Awesome
>Set neatly into an indent in one divider is a small cardboard box
>You pick up one of each of the shells from the three compartments
>You have BB, 00 buck, and slug here
>Excellent
>Twilight looks up from the cloak momentarily
>"Anonymous, those look like... Do you have guns you haven't told me about?"
>What an observant purple mare
Yep
>"Show me!"
Later
>You return the shotgun shells to their compartments and instead pick up the cardboard box
>It's full of various shotgun chokes
>Sweet
>You put the chokes back in the box, and the box back in the ammo can
>Then you close it up, and reach for one of the colorful ammo cans
>You pick the blue one, with the cloud spitting a rainbow thunderbolt on the side
>You swear you've seen it somewhere before...
>A line in the conversation going on between the other 6 occupants of the tent catches your ear
>"See? I told you He'd pick mine first!"
>Your gaze shifts up to Rainbow Dash
>And suddenly, it all clicks
>Each ammo can corresponds to your six companions
>They even have the same marks
>You quickly look back down
>Then you deliberately reach over and pull all the colored ammo cans to you
>The first can you open is the purple can
>Surprise, surprise
>More shotgun shells
>These ones are different, though
>You pick one up
>The base of the shell is regular brass, sure
>But the shell itself is purple, with two narrow, adjacent stripes; one deeper purple and one pink
>The star mark on the can is present once, on the side of the shell
>You return the shell to its can and close it up
>Then you reach over and grab the orange can with apples on it
>This one also contains shotgun shells
>They, too, have regular brass bases, and hulls the same color as the can
>Along with the triple apple mark
>You quickly check through the rest of the cans, coming up with similar results
>You're going to have a great deal of fun finding out what these shells do
>But not right now
>No, right now you need to deal with the mares staring at you
>Something is...
>Missing?
>Gone?
>Oh, yeah
>It's the aroma of tube cakes
>Fluttershy finished off the last two while you were checking out the ammo cans
Well, I think it's about time we got going
>You get up and yank on your cold weather gear
>can't be too careful
>Then you hold out your hand to Twilight
May I have that?
>She reluctantly hands it over to you
>It morphs back to the streaked white once again
>You quickly clasp it around your neck, making sure it sits properly on your back
>Then you pick up one of the smaller ammo cans, and experimentally lower a corner into the pocket
>The pocket stretches to accommodate the ammo can, admitting the entire thing
>This is great!
>You reach for another ammo can, then look over at the mares
>All of them look rather dumbstruck, with the exception of Twilight and Pinkie
>YOU don't think anything can surprise Pinkie
Well, what are you waiting for? The truck's not going to load itself
>"Ah would rather-"
Yes, I think I know by now what you would be doing if I let you. Now load the goddamn truck
>"Ahlright... but don't thank thi-"
GO
>While Twilight and the rest of them load goods into the back of the truck, you load the rest of the ammo cans into your new cloak
>Then you help take the tent down, and pack it away in the truck
>By the time you finish, you're ready to scream
>Your companions (excepting Twilight) have been hitting on you constantly
>So you bundle them into the rear of the truck as quickly as you possibly can
>Then you open the front door, and pause
>Twilight looks at you curiously as you reach under the seat instead of climbing in
>You first remove the three boxes of .45 ammo and bags of mags that were generated the last time you fed a unicorn tube cakes
>And stick them in your cloak
>Then you remove a pair of long, stocky black cases with padlocks through the handles
>These, too, you slide into your cloak
>Then you step aside and gesture to the open door
Ladies first
>"Please don't tempt me"
>You hold your hands up in mock surrender
Sorry, sorry
>She squints at you, then jumps in the truck
>You climb in after her and shut the door
>Then you start the truck and slam it in gear
>"Do you have any idea what that cloak is?"
Nope
>"It's an incredible work of precision! To get those two spells working in harmony..."
>"And all triggered by those pancakes."
Tube cakes
>"Tube cakes. You have to tell me how you make them!"
Twilight, we've been over this before. I'm not going to
>"Anonymous, please"
No
>"Why can't you tell me?"
Because no
>"Come on! This is amazin-"
Not gonna do it
>"But I have to know!"
Is it really that im-
>"YES!"
>You glance over at Twilight, startled by her sudden outburst
>She has turned pure white
>Even whiter than Rarity
>Her pupils are now blood red
>And her mane is...
>OH SHIT
>FIRE
>SHIT SHIT SHIT
WHAT THE FUCK TWILIGHT
>"I- what?"
>The ceiling fabric is already starting to smoke
>You slam on the brakes and bring the truck to a halt
>Then you frantically unbuckle your seatbelt
>You reach over and seize the burning p0ny and yank her on top of you with one arm while opening the door with the other
>Then you squeeze your eyes shut and fling the two of you out the door
>You hear a hiss as her mane and tail are extinguished
>Finally, you remove your arm and open your eyes, afraid of exactly what you'll find pinned in the snow beneath you
>Twilight looks up at you with half lidded eyes
>Incredibly, she's back to her regular purple self
>Blush and all
>"I... oh, this is nice..."
>You hastily lever yourself up and off the purple mare
>Now it's your turn to ask questions
Why, exactly, were you on fire?
>"I- What?"
Your mane and tail were practically made of fire
>"That happens to all unicorns when extremely angry"
You mean you weren't actually burning alive?
>"No..."
Well shit Twilight, remind me not to piss you off
>Twilight looks down at her hooves
>"Anonymous, I apologize..."
Hey, cut that out. I'm not mad at you, just... try not to light my truck on fire, okay?
>Once back inside the truck, Twilight repairs the singed ceiling and seat cushion with her magic
>Then an uncomfortable silence falls over both of you
Twilight, pick up that soda can
>You point downwards without looking
>The soda can floats up into your line of vision, surrounded by a purple glow
Now, how did you do that?
>"I used my magic"
And how did you use your magic?
>"Well, I just... know how to do it."
Well Twilight, I just know
>You grab the soda can out of the aura
That if you try to experiment on my tube cakes, or put them in a lab, or anything like that
>You set the can back in its holder
Not only will they cease to create those amazing effects, they won't taste nearly as good!
>Twilight digests this tidbit for a while
>So you reach down, and flick on the radio
So if you get pissed off or scared enough, you catch fire?
>"Yeah..."
That's pretty damn awesome
>"Really?"
Hell Yeah! All I get is adrenaline
>"Adrenaline? What's that?"
What, you don't know about adrenaline?
>"No..."
Actually, I think everyone gets adrenaline.
>"Well, it would help if you told me what it was..."
>Right
>You dredge up your memories of psychology class
Adrenaline is a stimulant excreted by the endocrine system...
>The rest of the drive to Canterlot goes by without incident
>It starts snowing around 10:00, and stays at a light downfall for most of the ride
>When you stop for lunch, you receive a fresh barrage innuendo from your other passengers
>You have to throw AppleJack in a snowbank again
>And you can tell most of the others aren't that far from having a go at it
>But, hopefully, Twilight's "Princess Celestia" will have a solution for your... unique problem
>Twilight is silent now
>And you can see a golden spire on the horizon
>When the royal city, Canterlot, finally comes into view, it takes most of your concentration to keep your jaw out of your lap
>The entire thing practically sparkles, even with the cloud cover
>On the outside, at least, the city is coated in a brilliant medley of whites, golds and silvers
>A massive castle built into the mountainside towers over the entire thing
>"It's quite a sight, isn't it?"
Yes. Yes it is.
>Twilight smirks a bit at your face
>And, to be honest, you probably would too if you could see it
>You idle up to the closed city gate and wait
>And wait
>And wait some more
>"Maybe the guard is asleep?"
>You crack a mischievous grin at Twiight
I can fix that
>Then you reach up to a cord that runs along the ceiling, and give it a yank
>The five train horns you mounted to your cab yourself respond enthusiastically with a brain-rattling blast blast
>A golden armored p0ny launches itself off the top of the wall and plummets into a snowbank as the echo rumbles up and down the mountainside
>It takes Twilight a few seconds to uncross her eyes
>"Wha-What was that?"
That was MY horn
>"Your... How did you do that?"
>You reach your hand back up towards the cord
I can do it again, if you like
>"NO! NO NO N- err, I really would rather you didn't."
Suite yourself
>You open your door and hop out
>Then you unstrap the secondary shovel from the topper and turn back to Twilight
We better go dig that guard out before he freezes to death
>"Good idea"
She jumps out after you
>You dig a couple feet into the snowbank
>Then your shovel clinks as it hits something solid
>You pass the shovel back to Twilight and get to work with your gloves
>The first thing you clear is a patch of golden armor
>Then a white leg
>You continue clearing snow until you find another leg
>Then you grab both legs and yank
>Out of the snowbank pops a golden-armored white unicorn with a mostly white mane and tail
>You quickly release his legs, and he stands up and begins turning around
>"Thanks fellas, I was j-"
>He abruptly stops talking when he sees you
Hello
>"I-Identify yourself creature!" he shouts, with a bluster even you can see through
Relax, I'm here with the Elements
>You step aside and reveal Twilight, who was standing behind you
>The guard goggles at the pair of you
You okay there?
>He shakes his head, seemingly to clear it
>"You must be the human..."
Damn right I am!
>You turn and point
Can you get that gate open?
>"I, uh-Of course!"
>He turns to the gate, and his horn glows
>A much quieter trumpet sounds, and the gates creak open
>You turn and head back over to the truck, opening the door for Twilight
>Then you pause, and look over your shoulder
>The guard is still standing in the snow, seemingly in shock
Well come on!
>"What?"
I need someone to show me how to get to the castle!
>A grin passes briefly over his face
>"You mean I get to ride in THAT?"
Yep!
>He makes no further comments and heads for the door
>You close it after he climbs inside, then run around and jump in your own side
>Then you put the truck in gear and rumble through the gate
I never got your name. Mine's Anonymous, what's yours?
>"Guardsp0ny Sky, sir"
Hey now, we're all friends here, you can call me Anonymous. Now, what's your full name?
>The guardsp0ny visibly relaxes
>"Sunny Sky"
Well Sunny Sky, it's nice to meet you. Do I go left here, or...
>"Yes, take a left"
Great
>The streets of Canterlot are somewhat narrow and clogged with carts transporting all manner of goods
>After your hasty left turn, you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam that stretches halfway to the castle
>So you settle in for the wait
>Twilight devotes her time to staring at either you or Sunny Sky
>You find the passerby interesting enough to occupy your attention...
>Until you hear the tinking sound of metal rapidly striking metal
>You look over at the right side of your cab
>Sunny Sky is shivering
Sunny, take that armor off
>"What?"
It's wet and cold and you're going to catch pneumonia if you keep it on
>"All guardsp0nies must remain in armor at all times when on duty"
You know I'm right
>"But-"
I won't have anyone catching pneumonia in my truck. Now off with it
>"Alright..."
>You turn your head back to the traffic as he disrobes
>It doesn't take long before you hear the entire assembly clink down into the passenger footwell
>You flip the foot heater on to dry it out faster
Do you have a any particular preferences when it comes to music?
>"No"
Ah, loosen up. Call me Anonymous, remember? Everyone has a preference in music
>"Okay... Anonymous"
That's better. Now, do you mind if I put some wubs on?
>"Nah"
>You reach down and flick the radio knob
>And in doing so glance at a grinning Sunny Sky
Hey, didn't you use to be...
White?
>The royal blue, yellow maned unicorn looks back at you
>"...Yes?"
Then how are you blue...
>"Oh, that's the armor. All Celestial Guard armor turns the wearer white whenever it's worn"
Magic?
>"Yes, that"
Well alrighty then
>An hour later, and it's starting to get dark
>The snowfall is picking up
>And you're bored out of your skull
>You flip your headlights on and look over at your passengers
You may want to cover your ears
>Twilight emerges from her self-control induced stupor long enough to comply
>Sunny takes a bit longer
>Almost too slow
>You reach once again for the cord mounted to your roof and give it an extended tug
>The streets clear out fairly rapidly after that, allowing you to make excellent progress towards the castle
>"What... how..."
Five train horns man, clean your ears in a hurry
>"Ookay..."
>Ten minutes down the road, and you're almost at the castle gates
>Sunny Sky starts putting his now dry armor back on
Hey Sunny Sky, do you think you could lead us to the Princess?
>"Well, I could... but why?"
I get the feeling any guide we get in the castle will be a mare. And mares haven't exactly had a stellar record with me this week, if you catch my drift...
>You gesture to Twilight, who follows your hand lazily with her eyes
>Sunny Sky grimaces in sympathy
>"Alright, I'll do it"
Thanks man, I appreciate this
>You pull up to the castle gate
>This time, you don't have to employ your horns
>The gates open for you
>You drive right on through them and stop
>Then you look over at Sunny Sky
Is there anywhere I can park?
>"There's the chariot garage..."
Perfect. Which way?
>He points with a hoof
>"That way"
>Your headlights eventually pick out a large wooden door on a larger building
>The door's even big enough for your truck!
>Sunny's horn glows with a golden aura as he opens the doors
>And you pull inside
>You end up parking way at the end of the garage
>You shut off the truck and open the door, letting your two companions out
>They follow you around to the tailgate, which you swiftly open
>You get your arms up and intercept the pink blur that launches out of the truckbed
>"Hi Nonny!"
Hello Pinkie. Did you have a good ride?
>"Of course Nonny! I always have a good ride when YOU'RE driving!"
That's great Pinkie
>You quickly set her down on her hooves before turning back to the truckbed
>The rest of them look at you with bedroom eyes that would put a Bond film to shame
Come on, let's go
>You turn back to a faintly bemused looking Sunny Sky
Lead on
>Sunny Sky leads you out the door and through the falling snow
>And up to a fairly large door set into the front of the main building
>Fairly large in this case meaning you don't have to crouch to walk through it
>He pushes the door open, and beckons the lot of you inside
>The inside of the main building reminds you of pictures you've seen of old castles
>But much more colorful
>And the ceiling is tall enough for you to stand up all the way
>"This way"
>The halls themselves are occupied by p0nies of all walks of life
>P0nies in servant attire step aside for hard-bitten laborers, while socialites turn up their noses and entertainers ply their trade
>The halls are not crowded by any stretch of the word
>Heads turn as you go past
>But thanks to the rather aggressive stares of your friends, you are given a wide berth
>As you work your way deeper and deeper into the castle, the halls become more regal
>And less populated
>Eventually, you come to a very royal looking door, etched with gold and inset with dozens of precious stones
>"This is the Day Court" elaborates Sunny Sky
>Then he opens the door
>You step through the door into a cavernous room resplendent with glass windows
>A few p0nies are gathering their things to leave in the lower portion
>And at the end of the room sits a throne, on top of which rests a large white p0ny you assume to be Princess Celestia
>She wears golden shoes, some sort of chest piece inset with a large gem, and a golden tiara on her head
>And she has both a horn and wings
>Something's different from when you saw her two days ago, however
>Her ethereal, billowing mane and tail still flows in an unseen wind
>But now instead of a mix of pink, blue, and green
>The entire assembly is a delicate pink
>When you and the rest come through the door, the princess stands up and canters across the room
>Princess Celestia is much larger than the other p0nies
>Her head comes up to just below your shoulders
>She has just the faintest hint of a blush
>Hah
>You never thought you would get to look down on royalty
>Twilight is torn between staring at you and staring at the princess
>She manages a sort of half-bow
>The rest of them simply nod to her before clustering around your legs now that you've stopped
>Sunny Sky gives you a sympathetic look, then practically prostrates himself in front of the Princess
>You yourself settle for as much of a a bow as you can manage without getting your face too close to your friends
>"You must be the Anonymous I've read so much about. I must admit, you're... Taller than I expected"
It's a pleasure to meet you, Princess
>"Likewise. Hello Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, AppleJack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. I trust your trip was without... complications?"
>"The trip went jest fine, Princess!"
>Celestia raises a hoof to her chin for a moment
Once I lower the sun, I was going to break for dinner. Would you care to join me?
>Lower the sun
>LOWER THE SUN
>What
>That is impossible
>You resolve to ask Twilight later if she's for real
>"Of course!"
>"Yeah!"
>"Only if Anonymous can too..."
>"Come along then, my little p0nies"
>Celestia turns to Sunny Skies
>"Guardsp0ny, you have done well to bring the Elements to me. You are dismissed"
>Sky about faces, then walks out the door
>Princess Celestia leads you out of Day Court through a different, smaller door
>You pass through a few corridors, completely empty of p0nies
>She steps out onto a balcony at one point for a few minutes, then comes back inside
>Then she leads you through another door, to a large dining room
>The mares reluctantly leave your legs to take positions around table
>The princess takes her place at the head
>There's even a place set for you
>No chair, though
>So you remove your jacket and opt to kneel instead
>A waiterp0ny appears from seemingly nowhere
>"Your orders, please?"
>"Ah'd like apple fritters, if ya please"
>"I shall have a salad"
>And so the orders go on
>You opt for hardboiled eggs and a plate of nachos with cheese
>The look on the waiter's face is worth any and all ribbing you might endure from Rarity for your choice
>Dinner passes surprisingly quickly
>The other p0nies hold a halting conversation that breaks frequently in order to stare longingly at you
>When dinner finally finishes and the plates are being cleared away, Celestia calls for everyone's attention
>"You all know where your rooms are, but I am afraid there has been a bit of a change in procedure"
>"P0nies have been coming in from remote residences all around Canterlot, and I have opened the castle for their use"
>"So I'm afraid you will have to double up in your rooms for the time being."
>AppleJack is the first to speak up
>"Aw shucks Princess, 'taint no big hassle."
>"I CALL ANONYMOUS!"
>Oh shit Pinkie, don't open that can of worms....
>"Oh no Pinkie, Anonymous will obviously be sharing MY room"
>"Ah don't thank so"
>"ORDER, NOW!" shouts Celestia, before the real fighting starts
>"I shall discuss Anonymous's sleeping arrangements with Anonymous himself."
>She beckons you towards yet another door
>"Without any outside influences"
>You gratefully stand up and head towards the door
>Finally, a mare that's not trying to get in your pants
>You step through the door and into a corridor, with one window and another door at the end
>You hear the door close behind you and turn around
>Princess Celestia's blush has deepened considerably
>And that's the only thing you notice before she tackles you onto the ground
>Her front hooves are now on either side of your head
>Her breath washes across your face, hot and moist
I-Wha... Why?
>Celestia grins mischievously
>"Now the real fun begins!"
But you were so civil before
>"Anonymous, you are truly something else. I have lived for years uncounted, and I cannot recall a single time when I was more attracted to a stallion than this very moment."
>Damn
>You sure hit the phermone jackpot
>Celestia lowers her white nose down to your shirt and inhales deeply, drinking in your scent like a drunk pulls from a bottle of whiskey
>then she rises to speak
>"Love me, Anonymous. Steal me away! Carry me off into the dark of the night; make me love every minute"
>So saying, she bobs down for a peck at your mouth
>And then, a sensual whisper in your ear
>"Rut me into the ground..."
>Nope
>Fuck this
>Fuck everything
>You reach up and seize Celestia's horn in both your hands
>She gasps
>"Oh Anonymous, you rapscallion you!"
>You give the damn thing an indian burn
>Celestia convulses on top of you, her wings shooting out to their full extent
>Her magenta eyes roll up in seeming ecstasy
>You roll the moaning Princess of the sun off you and spring to your feet, donning your jacket
>You need to get out of here
>Can't go back through the dining room
>Which leaves the door at the end of the hallway
>You stomp up to the door and try the handle
>Locked
>Last option now
>Celestia's moaning ceases behind you
>You better get your ass in gear
>You seize a brass lamp off the wall and chuck it through the window
>Then you dive through headfirst
>Straight into near-blizzard levels of snowfall and wind
>As you plop into the snow, you hear the sound of flesh impacting wood behind you
>Celestia must have caught her wings on the window frame
>You quickly pull the hood of your cloak up over your head, and then pull your arms back underneath
>Then you hold perfectly still, hardly daring to breath
>And wait
>"Anonymous, get back here this instant! I'm not done with you!"
>Fuck fuck fuck
>The sound of powerful wings beating passes over you, and then off into the distance
>Phew
>You push yourself up and out of the snow
>After washing your hands thoroughly in it, you pull out your gloves, goggles and scarf and put them on
>You can't stay in the main building
>That would just give Celestia or some other opportunistic mare a chance for round two
>And you also can't drive your truck out of here
>You would get bogged down in the streets and captured
>For that matter, you'll be caught trying to get out the front gate
>Your only option, as you see it, is to hide out in the castle somewhere
>And to do that you need all the good stuff in your truck
>Your course of action decided, you begin tracing your way around the main building
>And towards the garage
>You approach the garage from the rear
>There's a smaller, p0ny sized door which is mercifully unlocked, so you slip inside
>Your truck is still exactly where you parked it
>You open the tailgate and hastily begin shoveling supplies into your cloak
>In goes the stove, the tent, both shovels, all the blankets and the sleeping pad
>The remaining food, your axe, chainsaw and necessary maintenance supplies
>You slam your truckbed shut and turn to the smaller door to leave
>Then you steal away into the snowy night, intent upon your freedom
>Right now, you need somewhere you can pitch your tent
>You saw a tangled mass of green on your way in
>You figure that's your best bet
>So you trek off toward it
>When you arrive, the purpose of the structure becomes much more clear to you
>It's a hedge maze
>And what's more, the hedges come right up to your nose
>Wonderful
>That's roughly how tall the tent is
>You enter the hedge maze and start searching
>At the first major clearing, you stop and consider
>The snow has drifted from the wind, with a bank reaching to the top of the hedge on one side and correspondingly thinner snow on the other
>You pull out your shovel and begin clearing out an area for your tent
>Setting up the tent, you notice the hole in the ceiling has been patched
>Thank you Rarity
>You go back out into the hedge maze, collecting dry dead branches with your axe
>You make sure not to venture too far from your clearing, so as not to become lost
>Several armloads later, and you're set for the night
>You don't know how much smoke this stuff generates when burned
>But you do know from both your experience and the barometer in your watch that this snowstorm isn't going to end anytime soon
>You are confident that even if the stuff burns like old tires the smoke can't be seen from the castle
>After getting the fire going, you lay out your sleeping pad and strip out of your gear
>As you lay down to sleep, you can't help but wonder
>How far will Celestia go to try and get you back?

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>Consciousness breaks upon your mind slowly, heralded by the sound of soft breathing all around you
>You're warm
>Really warm
>You didn't think it would be possible to be this warm with just blankets
>But you are anyway
>You crack your eyes open
>And nearly jump out of your pants
>Inches from your own, a purple face smiles


>Uh oh
>You forgot to turn your swag off
>Now you've woken up covered in mares
>Literally
>Your blanket is on the floor
>Replaced by a softly snoring layer of flesh and fur
>Even in sleep, they blush
>Twilight herself lays on your chest, smiling
>Well shit
>You need to stoke the fire and cook breakfast
>And, more importantly, you have to piss
>You carefully free your arms from underneath Rarity and Rainbow
>Then, slowly, gently, you lift Twilight off your chest and set her next to you
>She sighs, but doesn't wake up
>Phew


>You sit up
>Now for the p0nies on your lower half
>Fluttershy lays across your waist
>And on your legs are Pinkie Pie and AppleJack
>Fluttershy is the first you move
>You marvel at how light she is
>Must be part of the whole pegasus thing
>...and your pants are still on
>Thank god they couldn't manage your zipper while sleeping
>You don't know what you would have done if you woke up t-
>Best not to think about that
>You move AppleJack next
>She slides off willingly enough
>Pinkie Pie though
>Damn
>She's fucking cuddling your leg


>Your attempts to dislodge her only cause her to giggle faintly and wrap her hooves more firmly around it
>That's one hell of a grip she's got
>You could pry her off
>If you really wanted to
>But from what little you know of the bubbly pink menace, she'd probably wake up the rest of them in the process
>And you don't need that right now
>So you allow her to remain attached 
>Instead, you grab your stuff
>On go the glasses, the holster and knife, all the other little things that help you through the day
>That accomplished, you limp over to the stove to stoke up the fire
>The bed of coals glows, then flares into brilliant light as you place a few sticks inside
>The fire stoked, you consider your situation
>You really have to piss
>Really, REALLY badly
>Fuck it
>You don't care what Pinkie Pie sees or does not see
>You're gonna go piss RIGHT NOW
>You stumble out the tent flap
>And right up to an inviting tree


>Upon further consideration, you reach down and spin Pinkie around your leg so she's facing away
>Then you pull down your fly and unleash the waterfall
>When you finish, you've melted a hole straight through the snow and down to the ground
>You zip up your pants and head back inside the tent
>Time for breakfast
>You stiff-leg it over to the pile of bags and extract a few cooking supplies
>ingredients, spatula, frying pan
>All the good stuff
>Then you make your way back over to the stove and begin cooking
>If you're lucky, the smell will cause your companions to wake up thinking of food instead of how to corner you
>You're just setting the pan on top of the stove when something pokes your groin
>Your head snaps downward
>A pair of blue eyes stare back at you innocently


>"Hiya Nonny!  Oh, can I ca-"
Pinkie
>"-ll you that?  Anyway, I was wo-
PINKIE
>"-ndering if you could make some of th-"
PINKIE LET GO OF MY JUNK
>The hoof falls away and instead wraps back around your leg
>You immediately look over to the other five
>Who, by some form of miracle, are still sleeping
>Then you look back down at Pinkie
>Where do you even begin...
Pinkie, could you please get off my leg?
>"I could get off your le-"
>TOO LOUD
SSSSHHHH
>"Why?  Is th-"
>You reach down and put a hand over her muzzle, ceasing her babbling
I want to surprise everyone with breakfast when they wake up
>You release her muzzle
And I can't really do that if you wake them up before then, can I?
>She puts both her hooves over her mouth and nods
Now then, could you please get off my leg?
>Pinkie immediately releases your leg, and stands up
>"So, can I call you Nonny?"
Call me Anon
>"Alright Anon!"

She turns and heads for the tent flap
>She probably has to go too
Hey Pinkie
>You whisper
>She stops
How long have you been awake you awake?
>"Long enough"
>When she's all the way out the flap you shudder
>Then you turn back to the stove and resume cooking
>Pinkie bounces back through the flap just as you're cracking the eggs
>Then she sits down to watch you
>When you dump the eggs in the pan, she opens her muzzle
>"Hey Nonny, I could show you a REAL party..."
Really Pinkie?  Really?
>She grins at you
>"Nope!  Just kidding!"
>Half a minute passes as you continue to flip eggs
>"Unless you want to..."
Nope
>You respond without even looking over your shoulder
>"No?"
>You turn around to look at her
>She's smiling at you again
Uh uh
>The smile grows wider
>"Not even a teensy weensy littl-"
>The improbability of the situation dawns on her
>She sits down and starts giggling
>Then, realizing her folly, she puts her hooves up to her mouth and downgrades to a few muffled snorts
>When she finishes, you speak up
Pinkie? 
>"Yeah Anon?"
Would you like to help me make breakfast?
>"I'd love to!"


>Pinkie Pie is a surprisingly adept cooking assistant
>Then again, she does work in a bakery
>So perhaps not all that surprising
>You manage to fry the eggs and hashbrowns to perfection without incident
>But now it's time for the tube cakes
>You pick up a bowl and mixer, along with a few choice ingredients
Pinkie, could you turn around for a bit?
>"What?"
It's time for the tube cakes.
>You tap the side of your nose
Family secret, remember?
>"Oh!  I remember!"
>She turns around
>You correspondingly turn to the mixing bowl
>Then, just as quickly you turn back to Pinkie, who is watching you over her shoulder
NO PEEKING
>"Awwwwww!"
Pinkieeeee
>"Okie Dokie!"
>She turns back around
>You go back to your batter


>Twenty minutes later, the delicious aroma of cooking flapjacks fills the tent
>You set the steaming plate of tube cakes with all the rest of the food
>Now for the fun part
>Waking up the rest of your charges
Pinkie, you can turn back around now.  I need your help
>"Why, whatever do you need, dearest Anonymous?"
>You grimace
Could you wake up the others while I get out the drinks?
>"Of course I can!"
Great
>You make your third and final trip to the supply pile
>Glasses in one hand and water jug in the other, you turn around to see Pinkie with a party blower the approximate size and length of her leg
>She takes an impossibly massive breath and brings the blower to her mouth
P-
>The party blower extends, emitting a sound not that far from a foghorn
>The effect upon the sleeping p0nies is immediate


>Fluttershy jumps three feet in the air, then rolls over on her back when she lands, frozen
>Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, shoots straight through the roof
>Rarity yelps, her mane poofing out to Pinkie Pie levels of puffiness 
>Twilight rolls over, somehow still groggy 
>"mmmhm... Yes, I'd love to..."
>AppleJack seizes her hat without even opening her eyes and jams it on her head
>"ALL RAIGHT GRANNY, AH'M READY FER APPLEBUCKIN'!"
>Eyes still closed, she takes off at a dead run for the tent flap
>And straight into your legs
>When the world stops rotating sickeningly, you open your eyes
>And for the third time this morning, you jump involuntarily
>AppleJack is inches from your face, laying on your chest just like a certain purple mare was not even an hour ago
>The primary difference being that AppleJack is very much awake
>Something is...
>Off about her
>You can't quite place what i-
>Oh
>She doesn't have her hair bands on
>You've never seen her without them 
>Her mane is tickling your neck
>"Wahl, good mornin' thar sugarcube" she says, winking at you
>Never a break, it seems
Get off
>"Now why would ah do that?  Ah'm perfectly happy raight where ah-"
>You shove her off your chest and leap to your feet


>The rest of the p0nies are in various states of recovery
>Twilight grins sheepishly at you
>Fluttershy is just now regaining her feet
>Rarity is staring into a small mirror with no small amount of horror
>A pair of magenta eyes peer through the hole in the tent roof
>And Pinkie Pie is rolling on the floor laughing, the party blower nowhere to be seen
>You pick up the scattered cups and jug as AppleJack grabs her hat and removes two hair bands from the inside
Good morning everyone
>"Pinkie, darling, did you have to be so loud?" asks a grief-stricken Rarity
>"No..."
>"then... why?" squeaks Fluttershy
>"Because it's more fun this way!"
>You sense a shitstorm a-brewin'
>And you don't need any more holes in the tent
>So you point to the small feast, recently assembled
Breakfast?


>They all pick up their small bags and head outside
>They too, it seems, have business to attend
>While they're busy, you set out plates, cups and silverware in a circle
>In the center you place the food, along with the water jug, the milk jug and the orange juice
>A voice drifts down through the hole in the roof
>"Hey Anonymous, could you throw me my bag?"
Uh, sure
>You pick up the small blue duffel bag and toss it through the hole in the ceiling
>Something, presumably Rainbow, catches it and pulls it out of view
>"Thanks"
No problem
>You're not going to ask


>By the time you finish setting the eating area, the p0nies are back inside
>They all look very much refreshed
>Twilight's mane is no longer frazzled from sleep
>AppleJack has her hair bands on once more
>Rarity's even managed to return her mane to its usual, curly state
>You sit down crosslegged in front of your plate
Alright, let's eat
>A commotion of activity erupts as everyone reaches for the food
>your hopes seem to be realized
>The mares are more focused on the food than you
>"Aw man Anonymous, did you make those awesome pancakes?  I love those pancakes!"
>Well someone's enthusiastic this morning
They're tube cakes, and yeah I-
>"Ah do like me some tube cakes, ah must admit"
>There's a general scramble for the plate of tube cakes from all but Rarity and Fluttershy
>"Rarity, you have to try Anon's tube cakes!  They're the best tube cakes EVER!" Chimes in Pinkie
>"Hmmph.  I don't see why he needs to roll them up like that..."
>None the less, she takes a tube cake and daintily cuts a piece off the end
>Then she considers it for a moment as it sits on the end of her fork, before taking it delicately in her mouth
>The instant it hits her tongue, she's sold


>All the daintiness Rarity employed for the first bite disappears in a flurry of maple syrup and flying cutlery
>Rarity more or less inhales the rest of her tube cake
>She seizes another and reduces it to edible chunks
>This one, too, disappears with similar rapidity
>She reaches for a third, at which point you reach out and stop her
Leave some for Fluttershy, could you?
>She pauses
>Then, just as quickly as it came, it passes
>She begins cleaning herself with a napkin
>"Why Anonymous, these... "Tube" cakes are positively divine!  I had no idea you were such a good cook"
>You smile at her
>Breakfast resumes its usual rate
>That is, until Twilight's horn starts glowing...


>Twilight pans her head around a bit
>Then her gaze locks right on to you
>FUCK
>You should have known better than to make pancakes for unicorns
>You remember what happened last time
>That white sheen covers her eyes and she starts to hover in a crackling purple field, just like before
>Now Rarity's horn is glowing too
>"Uh, Twilight?  Rarity?  What's going on..."
>Interesting
>Rarity doesn't seem to get the sheen over her eyes that Twilight does
>Nor does she hover quite as hig-
>"Aaahh!  Wh-What is this!  I've never f-felt such p-"
>Your train of thought is utterly blown to shreds as an all-too-familiar purple beam shoots out of Twilight's horn and into your forehead
>It is joined a second later by a pale blue beam, from Rarity
>Before the light utterly blanks out everything, you manage one last thought
>Double the fun


>You're the first to sit up
>All the dishes and food are still in place
>There are still a few crackles of purple and blue energy sparking about
>In front of you sits a stack of multi colored ammo cans
>There's one large, standard ammo can
>Like, really large
>YOu're not sure the military ever MADE a can this large
>Lining the edges are six smaller ammo cans
>One purple, one white, one blue, one orange, one yellow and one pink with various markings on the corners
>And sitting on top of the large ammo can is a grey square of neatly folded cloth


>By now, some of the others are beginning to recover
>"BEST TUBECAKES EVER!"
Why thank you Pinkie.  I appreciate your enthusiasm
>You reach out and grab the square of fabric
>The second you touch it, you nearly drop it
>It changes instantaneously from grey to an off white with faint streaks of grey light
>You persist in picking it up, and it unfurls
>You have to stand up to get it unfolded all the way
>it comes up to about neck height
>At the bottom there's a metal clasp made to look like a snowflake
>You flip it over and examine the clasp more closely
>The workmanship is superb; if it wasn't a polished grey, you could swear this was a snowflake
>So, a cloak
>Just the right height too


>Rarity sits up
>her mane has returned to Pinkie Pie levels of puffiness
>Win some, lose some, you guess
>"Anonymous... May I see that?"
>Something on the inside of the cloak catches your eye
In a minute
>Your suspicions are rewarded when you find a pocket
>It's roughly the size of a deck of cards
>Curious, you stick your hand inside, feeling for the bottom
>Your arm goes in up to your elbow before you realize what's happening
>The pocket widens to accommodate it
>You keep pushing, and soon you have your entire arm up to your shoulder inside a pocket that should barely be deep enough for your forearm
>By now, the rest of your companions have recovered their senses


>"Whut in tarnation..."
>"What the hay just happened?"
>You shrug, the cloak bobbing where your arm should be
It's magic
>You look at Twilight and wink
I've found it's better not to question it
>You withdraw your arm and hand the cloth over to Rarity's waiting hooves
>When it touches them, the cloth immediately changes color
>Rarity gasps
>Now, instead of the off white the cloth is a deep, aquamarine blue
>Shot through with diamonds, emeralds, rubies and other precious stones
>As you watch, it shrinks
>And the clasp morphs from a snowflake to a trio of diamonds, just like Rarity has on her flank
>Rarity now looks more like someone just punched her in the face
>This, combined with her new mane, creates quite an amusing sight
>So much so that you snicker a bit
>This breaks her trance
>"I... I've seen similar things done before, but never to this detail..."
>She goes over the entire cloak with her hooves, inspecting it closely
>Hmmmm
>"can I see that now?" pipes up Twilight
>"Certainly, dear"
>Rarity hands the cloak over


>This time, the cloak turns a deep purple
>The same color as her mane
>It is patterned with both the mark on her flank and some sort of emblem
>It looks like a crossed quill and unicorn horn
>The clasp, too, changes to the mark on her flank
>Something else you'll have to ask about
>You leave Twilight to examine the cloak and turn to the ammo cans
>Colorful cans, or Big Willy?
>Big Willy
>You grab the large can by the handle and lift it out of the ring of smaller ammo cans
>Then you set it in front of you and start undoing the latches on the side
>The attention of your compatriots shifts from Twilight to you
>The can unseals with that familiar hiss
>Inside, you see...
>Shotgun shells
>Shotgun shells everywhere
>The inside is neatly partitioned into three separate compartments
>And in each compartment lay shotgun shells
>This is a fuckton more ammo than you have in the truck
>Awesome
>Set neatly into an indent in one divider is a small cardboard box


>You pick up one of each of the shells from the three compartments
>You have BB, 00 buck, and slug here
>Excellent
>Twilight looks up from the cloak momentarily
>"Anonymous, those look like... Do you have guns you haven't told me about?"
>What an observant purple mare
Yep
>"Show me!"
Later
>You return the shotgun shells to their compartments and instead pick up the cardboard box
>It's full of various shotgun chokes
>Sweet
>You put the chokes back in the box, and the box back in the ammo can
>Then you close it up, and reach for one of the colorful ammo cans
>You pick the blue one, with the cloud spitting a rainbow thunderbolt on the side
>You swear you've seen it somewhere before...
>A line in the conversation going on between the other 6 occupants of the tent catches your ear
>"See?  I told you He'd pick mine first!"
>Your gaze shifts up to Rainbow Dash
>And suddenly, it all clicks
>Each ammo can corresponds to your six companions
>They even have the same marks
>You quickly look back down
>Then you deliberately reach over and pull all the colored ammo cans to you


>The first can you open is the purple can
>Surprise, surprise
>More shotgun shells
>These ones are different, though
>You pick one up
>The base of the shell is regular brass, sure
>But the shell itself is purple, with two narrow, adjacent stripes; one deeper purple and one pink
>The star mark on the can is present once, on the side of the shell
>You return the shell to its can and close it up
>Then you reach over and grab the orange can with apples on it
>This one also contains shotgun shells
>They, too, have regular brass bases, and hulls the same color as the can
>Along with the triple apple mark
>You quickly check through the rest of the cans, coming up with similar results
>You're going to have a great deal of fun finding out what these shells do
>But not right now
>No, right now you need to deal with the mares staring at you


>Something is...
>Missing?
>Gone?
>Oh, yeah
>It's the aroma of tube cakes
>Fluttershy finished off the last two while you were checking out the ammo cans
Well, I think it's about time we got going
>You get up and yank on your cold weather gear
>can't be too careful
>Then you hold out your hand to Twilight
May I have that?
>She reluctantly hands it over to you
>It morphs back to the streaked white once again
>You quickly clasp it around your neck, making sure it sits properly on your back
>Then you pick up one of the smaller ammo cans, and experimentally lower a corner into the pocket
>The pocket stretches to accommodate the ammo can, admitting the entire thing
>This is great!
>You reach for another ammo can, then look over at the mares
>All of them look rather dumbstruck, with the exception of Twilight and Pinkie
>YOU don't think anything can surprise Pinkie
Well, what are you waiting for?  The truck's not going to load itself
>"Ah would rather-"
Yes, I think I know by now what you would be doing if I let you.  Now load the goddamn truck
>"Ahlright... but don't thank thi-"
GO


>While Twilight and the rest of them load goods into the back of the truck, you load the rest of the ammo cans into your new cloak
>Then you help take the tent down, and pack it away in the truck
>By the time you finish, you're ready to scream
>Your companions (excepting Twilight) have been hitting on you constantly
>So you bundle them into the rear of the truck as quickly as you possibly can
>Then you open the front door, and pause
>Twilight looks at you curiously as you reach under the seat instead of climbing in
>You first remove the three boxes of .45 ammo and bags of mags that were generated the last time you fed a unicorn tube cakes
>And stick them in your cloak
>Then you remove a pair of long, stocky black cases with padlocks through the handles
>These, too, you slide into your cloak
>Then you step aside and gesture to the open door
Ladies first
>"Please don't tempt me"
>You hold your hands up in mock surrender
Sorry, sorry
>She squints at you, then jumps in the truck
>You climb in after her and shut the door
>Then you start the truck and slam it in gear


>"Do you have any idea what that cloak is?"
Nope
>"It's an incredible work of precision!  To get those two spells working in harmony..."
>"And all triggered by those pancakes."
Tube cakes
>"Tube cakes.  You have to tell me how you make them!"
Twilight, we've been over this before.  I'm not going to
>"Anonymous, please"
No
>"Why can't you tell me?"
Because no
>"Come on!  This is amazin-"
Not gonna do it
>"But I have to know!"
Is it really that im-
>"YES!"
>You glance over at Twilight, startled by her sudden outburst
>She has turned pure white
>Even whiter than Rarity
>Her pupils are now blood red
>And her mane is...
>OH SHIT
>FIRE
>SHIT SHIT SHIT
WHAT THE FUCK TWILIGHT
>"I- what?"


>The ceiling fabric is already starting to smoke
>You slam on the brakes and bring the truck to a halt
>Then you frantically unbuckle your seatbelt
>You reach over and seize the burning p0ny and yank her on top of you with one arm while opening the door with the other
>Then you squeeze your eyes shut and fling the two of you out the door
>You hear a hiss as her mane and tail are extinguished
>Finally, you remove your arm and open your eyes, afraid of exactly what you'll find pinned in the snow beneath you
>Twilight looks up at you with half lidded eyes
>Incredibly, she's back to her regular purple self
>Blush and all
>"I... oh, this is nice..."


>You hastily lever yourself up and off the purple mare
>Now it's your turn to ask questions
Why, exactly, were you on fire?
>"I- What?"
Your mane and tail were practically made of fire
>"That happens to all unicorns when extremely angry"
You mean you weren't actually burning alive?
>"No..."
Well shit Twilight, remind me not to piss you off
>Twilight looks down at her hooves
>"Anonymous, I apologize..."
Hey, cut that out.  I'm not mad at you, just... try not to light my truck on fire, okay?


>Once back inside the truck, Twilight repairs the singed ceiling and seat cushion with her magic
>Then an uncomfortable silence falls over both of you
Twilight, pick up that soda can
>You point downwards without looking
>The soda can floats up into your line of vision, surrounded by a purple glow
Now, how did you do that?
>"I used my magic"
And how did you use your magic?
>"Well, I just... know how to do it."
Well Twilight, I just know
>You grab the soda can out of the aura
That if you try to experiment on my tube cakes, or put them in a lab, or anything like that
>You set the can back in its holder
Not only will they cease to create those amazing effects, they won't taste nearly as good!
>Twilight digests this tidbit for a while
>So you reach down, and flick on the radio


So if you get pissed off or scared enough, you catch fire?
>"Yeah..."
That's pretty damn awesome
>"Really?"
Hell Yeah!  All I get is adrenaline
>"Adrenaline?  What's that?"
What, you don't know about adrenaline?
>"No..."
Actually, I think everyone gets adrenaline.  
>"Well, it would help if you told me what it was..."
>Right
>You dredge up your memories of psychology class
Adrenaline is a stimulant excreted by the endocrine system...


>The rest of the drive to Canterlot goes by without incident
>It starts snowing around 10:00, and stays at a light downfall for most of the ride
>When you stop for lunch, you receive a fresh barrage innuendo from your other passengers
>You have to throw AppleJack in a snowbank again
>And you can tell most of the others aren't that far from having a go at it
>But, hopefully, Twilight's "Princess Celestia" will have a solution for your... unique problem
>Twilight is silent now
>And you can see a golden spire on the horizon


>When the royal city, Canterlot, finally comes into view, it takes most of your concentration to keep your jaw out of your lap
>The entire thing practically sparkles, even with the cloud cover
>On the outside, at least, the city is coated in a brilliant medley of whites, golds and silvers
>A massive castle built into the mountainside towers over the entire thing
>"It's quite a sight, isn't it?"
Yes.  Yes it is.
>Twilight smirks a bit at your face
>And, to be honest, you probably would too if you could see it
>You idle up to the closed city gate and wait
>And wait
>And wait some more


>"Maybe the guard is asleep?"
>You crack a mischievous grin at Twiight
I can fix that
>Then you reach up to a cord that runs along the ceiling, and give it a yank
>The five train horns you mounted to your cab yourself respond enthusiastically with a brain-rattling blast blast 
>A golden armored p0ny launches itself off the top of the wall and plummets into a snowbank as the echo rumbles up and down the mountainside
>It takes Twilight a few seconds to uncross her eyes
>"Wha-What was that?"
That was MY horn
>"Your... How did you do that?"
>You reach your hand back up towards the cord
I can do it again, if you like
>"NO!  NO NO N- err, I really would rather you didn't."
Suite yourself
>You open your door and hop out
>Then you unstrap the secondary shovel from the topper and turn back to Twilight
We better go dig that guard out before he freezes to death
>"Good idea"
She jumps out after you


>You dig a couple feet into the snowbank
>Then your shovel clinks as it hits something solid
>You pass the shovel back to Twilight and get to work with your gloves
>The first thing you clear is a patch of golden armor
>Then a white leg
>You continue clearing snow until you find another leg
>Then you grab both legs and yank
>Out of the snowbank pops a golden-armored white unicorn with a mostly white mane and tail
>You quickly release his legs, and he stands up and begins turning around
>"Thanks fellas, I was j-"
>He abruptly stops talking when he sees you
Hello
>"I-Identify yourself creature!" he shouts, with a bluster even you can see through
Relax, I'm here with the Elements
>You step aside and reveal Twilight, who was standing behind you
>The guard goggles at the pair of you
You okay there?
>He shakes his head, seemingly to clear it
>"You must be the human..."
Damn right I am!  
>You turn and point
Can you get that gate open?


>"I, uh-Of course!"
>He turns to the gate, and his horn glows
>A much quieter trumpet sounds, and the gates creak open
>You turn and head back over to the truck, opening the door for Twilight
>Then you pause, and look over your shoulder
>The guard is still standing in the snow, seemingly in shock
Well come on!
>"What?"
I need someone to show me how to get to the castle!
>A grin passes briefly over his face
>"You mean I get to ride in THAT?"
Yep!
>He makes no further comments and heads for the door
>You close it after he climbs inside, then run around and jump in your own side
>Then you put the truck in gear and rumble through the gate


I never got your name.  Mine's Anonymous, what's yours?
>"Guardsp0ny Sky, sir"
Hey now, we're all friends here, you can call me Anonymous.  Now, what's your full name?
>The guardsp0ny visibly relaxes
>"Sunny Sky"
Well Sunny Sky, it's nice to meet you.  Do I go left here, or...
>"Yes, take a left"
Great


>The streets of Canterlot are somewhat narrow and clogged with carts transporting all manner of goods
>After your hasty left turn, you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam that stretches halfway to the castle
>So you settle in for the wait
>Twilight devotes her time to staring at either you or Sunny Sky
>You find the passerby interesting enough to occupy your attention...
>Until you hear the tinking sound of metal rapidly striking metal
>You look over at the right side of your cab
>Sunny Sky is shivering
Sunny, take that armor off
>"What?"
It's wet and cold and you're going to catch pneumonia if you keep it on
>"All guardsp0nies must remain in armor at all times when on duty"
You know I'm right
>"But-"
I won't have anyone catching pneumonia in my truck.  Now off with it
>"Alright..."
>You turn your head back to the traffic as he disrobes
>It doesn't take long before you hear the entire assembly clink down into the passenger footwell
>You flip the foot heater on to dry it out faster


Do you have a any particular preferences when it comes to music?
>"No"
Ah, loosen up.  Call me Anonymous, remember?  Everyone has a preference in music
>"Okay... Anonymous"
That's better.  Now, do you mind if I put some wubs on?
>"Nah"
>You reach down and flick the radio knob
>And in doing so glance at a grinning Sunny Sky
Hey, didn't you use to be...
White?
>The royal blue, yellow maned unicorn looks back at you
>"...Yes?"
Then how are you blue...
>"Oh, that's the armor.   All Celestial Guard armor turns the wearer white whenever it's worn"
Magic?
>"Yes, that"
Well alrighty then


>An hour later, and it's starting to get dark
>The snowfall is picking up
>And you're bored out of your skull
>You flip your headlights on and look over at your passengers
You may want to cover your ears
>Twilight emerges from her self-control induced stupor long enough to comply
>Sunny takes a bit longer
>Almost too slow
>You reach once again for the cord mounted to your roof and give it an extended tug
>The streets clear out fairly rapidly after that, allowing you to make excellent progress towards the castle
>"What... how..."
Five train horns man, clean your ears in a hurry
>"Ookay..."


>Ten minutes down the road, and you're almost at the castle gates
>Sunny Sky starts putting his now dry armor back on
Hey Sunny Sky, do you think you could lead us to the Princess?
>"Well, I could... but why?"
I get the feeling any guide we get in the castle will be a mare.  And mares haven't exactly had a stellar record with me this week, if you catch my drift...
>You gesture to Twilight, who follows your hand lazily with her eyes
>Sunny Sky grimaces in sympathy
>"Alright, I'll do it"
Thanks man, I appreciate this
>You pull up to the castle gate
>This time, you don't have to employ your horns
>The gates open for you
>You drive right on through them and stop
>Then you look over at Sunny Sky
Is there anywhere I can park?
>"There's the chariot garage..."
Perfect.  Which way?
>He points with a hoof
>"That way"


>Your headlights eventually pick out a large wooden door on a larger building
>The door's even big enough for your truck!
>Sunny's horn glows with a golden aura as he opens the doors
>And you pull inside
>You end up parking way at the end of the garage
>You shut off the truck and open the door, letting your two companions out
>They follow you around to the tailgate, which you swiftly open
>You get your arms up and intercept the pink blur that launches out of the truckbed
>"Hi Nonny!"
Hello Pinkie.  Did you have a good ride?
>"Of course Nonny!  I always have a good ride when YOU'RE driving!"
That's great Pinkie
>You quickly set her down on her hooves before turning  back to the truckbed
>The rest of them look at you with bedroom eyes that would put a Bond film to shame
Come on, let's go
>You turn back to a faintly bemused looking Sunny Sky
Lead on


>Sunny Sky leads you out the door and through the falling snow
>And up to a fairly large door set into the front of the main building
>Fairly large in this case meaning you don't have to crouch to walk through it
>He pushes the door open, and beckons the lot of you inside
>The inside of the main building reminds you of pictures you've seen of old castles
>But much more colorful
>And the ceiling is tall enough for you to stand up all the way
>"This way"
>The halls themselves are occupied by p0nies of all walks of life
>P0nies in servant attire step aside for hard-bitten laborers, while socialites turn up their noses and entertainers ply their trade
>The halls are not crowded by any stretch of the word
>Heads turn as you go past
>But thanks to the rather aggressive stares of your friends, you are given a wide berth

>As you work your way deeper and deeper into the castle, the halls become more regal
>And less populated
>Eventually, you come to a very royal looking door, etched with gold and inset with dozens of precious stones
>"This is the Day Court" elaborates Sunny Sky
>Then he opens the door
>You step through the door into a cavernous room resplendent with glass windows
>A few p0nies are gathering their things to leave in the lower portion
>And at the end of the room sits a throne, on top of which rests a large white p0ny you assume to be Princess Celestia
>She wears golden shoes, some sort of chest piece inset with a large gem, and a golden tiara on her head
>And she has both a horn and wings
>Something's different from when you saw her two days ago, however
>Her ethereal, billowing mane and tail still flows in an unseen wind
>But now instead of a mix of pink, blue, and green
>The entire assembly is a delicate pink
>When you and the rest come through the door, the princess stands up and canters across the room


>Princess Celestia is much larger than the other p0nies
>Her head comes up to just below your shoulders
>She has just the faintest hint of a blush
>Hah
>You never thought you would get to look down on royalty
>Twilight is torn between staring at you and staring at the princess
>She manages a sort of half-bow
>The rest of them simply nod to her before clustering around your legs now that you've stopped
>Sunny Sky gives you a sympathetic look, then practically prostrates himself in front of the Princess
>You yourself settle for as much of a a bow as you can manage without getting your face too close to your friends
>"You must be the Anonymous I've read so much about.  I must admit, you're... Taller than I expected"
It's a pleasure to meet you, Princess
>"Likewise.  Hello Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, AppleJack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity.  I trust your trip was without... complications?"
>"The trip went jest fine, Princess!"
>Celestia raises a hoof to her chin for a moment
Once I lower the sun, I was going to break for dinner.  Would you care to join me?
>Lower the sun
>LOWER THE SUN
>What
>That is impossible
>You resolve to ask Twilight later if she's for real
>"Of course!"
>"Yeah!"
>"Only if Anonymous can too..."
>"Come along then, my little p0nies"
>Celestia turns to Sunny Skies
>"Guardsp0ny, you have done well to bring the Elements to me.  You are dismissed"
>Sky about faces, then walks out the door
>Princess Celestia leads you out of Day Court through a different, smaller door
>You pass through a few corridors, completely empty of p0nies
>She steps out onto a balcony at one point for a few minutes, then comes back inside
>Then she leads you through another door, to a large dining room


>The mares reluctantly leave your legs to take positions around table
>The princess takes her place at the head
>There's even a place set for you
>No chair, though
>So you remove your jacket and opt to kneel instead
>A waiterp0ny appears from seemingly nowhere
>"Your orders, please?"
>"Ah'd like apple fritters, if ya please"
>"I shall have a salad"
>And so the orders go on
>You opt for hardboiled eggs and a plate of nachos with cheese
>The look on the waiter's face is worth any and all ribbing you might endure from Rarity for your choice


>Dinner passes surprisingly quickly
>The other p0nies hold a halting conversation that breaks frequently in order to stare longingly at you
>When dinner finally finishes and the plates are being cleared away, Celestia calls for everyone's attention
>"You all know where your rooms are, but I am afraid there has been a bit of a change in procedure"
>"P0nies have been coming in from remote residences all around Canterlot, and I have opened the castle for their use"
>"So I'm afraid you will have to double up in your rooms for the time being."
>AppleJack is the first to speak up
>"Aw shucks Princess, 'taint no big hassle."
>"I CALL ANONYMOUS!"
>Oh shit Pinkie, don't open that can of worms....
>"Oh no Pinkie, Anonymous will obviously be sharing MY room"
>"Ah don't thank so"
>"ORDER, NOW!" shouts Celestia, before the real fighting starts
>"I shall discuss Anonymous's sleeping arrangements with Anonymous himself."
>She beckons you towards yet another door
>"Without any outside influences"
>You gratefully stand up and head towards the door
>Finally, a mare that's not trying to get in your pants


>You step through the door and into a corridor, with one window and another door at the end
>You hear the door close behind you and turn around
>Princess Celestia's blush has deepened considerably
>And that's the only thing you notice before she tackles you onto the ground
>Her front hooves are now on either side of your head
>Her breath washes across your face, hot and moist
I-Wha... Why?
>Celestia grins mischievously
>"Now the real fun begins!"
But you were so civil before
>"Anonymous, you are truly something else.  I have lived for years uncounted, and I cannot recall a single time when I was more attracted to a stallion than this very moment."
>Damn
>You sure hit the phermone jackpot
>Celestia lowers her white nose down to your shirt and inhales deeply, drinking in your scent like a drunk pulls from a bottle of whiskey
>then she rises to speak
>"Love me, Anonymous.  Steal me away!  Carry me off into the dark of the night; make me love every minute"
>So saying, she bobs down for a peck at your mouth
>And then, a sensual whisper in your ear
>"Rut me into the ground..."
>Nope
>Fuck this
>Fuck everything
>You reach up and seize Celestia's horn in both your hands
>She gasps
>"Oh Anonymous, you rapscallion you!"
>You give the damn thing an indian burn
>Celestia convulses on top of you, her wings shooting out to their full extent
>Her magenta eyes roll up in seeming ecstasy


>You roll the moaning Princess of the sun off you and spring to your feet, donning your jacket
>You need to get out of here
>Can't go back through the dining room 
>Which leaves the door at the end of the hallway
>You stomp up to the door and try the handle 
>Locked
>Last option now
>Celestia's moaning ceases behind you
>You better get your ass in gear
>You seize a brass lamp off the wall and chuck it through the window
>Then you dive through headfirst
>Straight into near-blizzard levels of snowfall and wind
>As you plop into the snow, you hear the sound of flesh impacting wood behind you
>Celestia must have caught her wings on the window frame
>You quickly pull the hood of your cloak up over your head, and then pull your arms back underneath
>Then you hold perfectly still, hardly daring to breath
>And wait
>"Anonymous, get back here this instant!  I'm not done with you!"
>Fuck fuck fuck
>The sound of powerful wings beating passes over you, and then off into the distance
>Phew


>You push yourself up and out of the snow
>After washing your hands thoroughly in it, you pull out your gloves, goggles and scarf and put them on
>You can't stay in the main building
>That would just give Celestia or some other opportunistic mare a chance for round two
>And you also can't drive your truck out of here
>You would get bogged down in the streets and captured
>For that matter, you'll be caught trying to get out the front gate
>Your only option, as you see it, is to hide out in the castle somewhere
>And to do that you need all the good stuff in your truck
>Your course of action decided, you begin tracing your way around the main building
>And towards the garage


>You approach the garage from the rear
>There's a smaller, p0ny sized door which is mercifully unlocked, so you slip inside
>Your truck is still exactly where you parked it
>You open the tailgate and hastily begin shoveling supplies into your cloak
>In goes the stove, the tent, both shovels, all the blankets and the sleeping pad
>The remaining food, your axe, chainsaw and necessary maintenance supplies
>You slam your truckbed shut and turn to the smaller door to leave
>Then you steal away into the snowy night, intent upon your freedom


>Right now, you need somewhere you can pitch your tent
>You saw a tangled mass of green on your way in
>You figure that's your best bet
>So you trek off toward it
>When you arrive, the purpose of the structure becomes much more clear to you
>It's a hedge maze
>And what's more, the hedges come right up to your nose
>Wonderful
>That's roughly how tall the tent is
>You enter the hedge maze and start searching
>At the first major clearing, you stop and consider
>The snow has drifted from the wind, with a bank reaching to the top of the hedge on one side and correspondingly thinner snow on the other
>You pull out your shovel and begin clearing out an area for your tent

>Setting up the tent, you notice the hole in the ceiling has been patched
>Thank you Rarity
>You go back out into the hedge maze, collecting dry dead branches with your axe
>You make sure not to venture too far from your clearing, so as not to become lost
>Several armloads later, and you're set for the night
>You don't know how much smoke this stuff generates when burned
>But you do know from both your experience and the barometer in your watch that this snowstorm isn't going to end anytime soon
>You are confident that even if the stuff burns like old tires the smoke can't be seen from the castle
>After getting the fire going, you lay out your sleeping pad and strip out of your gear
>As you lay down to sleep, you can't help but wonder
>How far will Celestia go to try and get you back?

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