Aussie Anon Instalment Six

Journal entry no. 33

 

>Day 22 in Horse Territory.

>For the sake of self satisfaction, I've decided to let Jane do that "shopping" stuff that dames apparently like. I hate having her spoiled like this; next thing you know, she's gonna ask for clean water or new briefs. There's a silver lining though; if we're going shopping, I'm at least buyin' myself some booze.

>Jane and I head out of the forest, and for the first time since our arrival, we are actually going to the heart of the town. As we walk, Jane begins speaking with enthusiastic anticipation.

>"Isn't this great, Anon? Can you imagine how chipper the cave will look with furniture? We could make it into our own little home away from home."

It is NOT going to be a home away from home. You're talking like we're actually stuck here.

>"Well, we sort of are," she says in a dead tone. "I don't mind though. I kind of like this place. It seems so warm and inviting. I know how much you love new societies and cultures; you should at least try to enjoy this place."

>I shrug, unable to give a good answer.

>I'm unsure what to expect.

>As we've come and gone from Rarity's home, I've seen the busy streets of Horse Valley in the evening. The many colorful equines chatting, selling goods, breaking into song, they seem like a fair civilization. I almost hope a bit of Rarity rubbed off on me, because I have the feeling today will end with someone in a body cast if I'm not careful.

>As we pass the town's border, the hustle n' bustle of what has to be the town's farmer's market begin to quiet down as the many civilians begin to stare at us. Some begin to murmur and whisper to each other, and I can distinctly hear a pair of purple pegasuses talking nearby.

>The one with a spiky blue mane mentions, "I heard that guy can lift trees out of the ground."

>Jane begins walking to the two of them, and they freeze unsure of what to do.

>With the sweetest tone, she tells them, "Excuse me, ma'am? Me husband and I are trying to decorate  our adobe; might you know where we might be able to buy a couch?"

>The duo begins to calm down and the pegasus with a smoother blue mane and bow tells her, "Mr. Davenport sells sofas and quills down the street. Head north till you see a sign and green roof."

>Jane pets smoothie's mane and tells her, "Thank you, miss."

>The mare smiles enjoying the feel of Jane's delicate fingers running through her hair.

>Jane soon removes her hand and tells me, "Come on Anon, we have shopping to do."

You go on without me. I'm on a quest for some morning ember.

>"B-but I wanted to shop WITH you. I don't want the cave to look tacky, and I could use an opinion before I buy anything." she says.

>Spike-head affectionately tells her, "You live in a cave? How retro."

Not my problem.

>"But if Fluttershy thinks it's gaudy-"

Like I give two s@#ts about Fluttershy. Spike head,

>She jumps back startled by me approaching.

you know where a bloke can get off his face.

>"What?" she confusingly asks.

Ya know, a pub to get plastered?

>"Umm."

...Drunk?

>Nothing.

"Where in the Bloomin' Ale can a man get some alcohol?" I frustratingly say.

>Smoothie asks, "Alcohol? Do you have a cut or something?"

...There is no booze here, is there.

>Silence.

Damn it. All I want is a good drink, and I can't even get that.

>An orange colt with a wicked five o-clock walks over and tells me, "The Apple Family makes a pretty sweet drink, if you're into apples."

>I get down on one knee to look im' in the face.

Anything to get a man drunk?

>"I don't know what that is so...maybe?"

Where are they.

>"Well--they, uh, live in a farm west of here. Just keep walking and you'll find the place," he says pointing the direction.

>I turn where's he's pointing and head off.

See ya when I see ya Jane.

>Jane asks, "Are you sure you don't wanna stick around?"

"Not in this lifetime love," I say as I wave off.

>As I walk through the dirt and stone roads, I can't help but notice the many civilians who back away at my giant hulking figure. I don't care though, all that matters right now is getting a good drink.

>I continue west until I see a barn on the horizon outside of town. Once it comes into view, I pick up the pace until I'm eventually jogging my way out of town.

>I exit town and soon reach the border of the farm that bloak was talking about.

>There are hills of apples as far as a hussy's leg in heels. It's absolutely beautiful.

> Pass the opening gate, I see a large barn, and peering through one of the windows, there's...ghehehehehe; that yellow filly from the trio's in there.

>Her head ducks down once I see her, but I can tell. It's that girl that hangs out with Snow White and the orange lad.

>I swing the sign on the gate away from my face and head straight for the door. As I walk, I can hear the sound of her hooves pattering away, and the faint noise of her talking to someone.

>Before I can even make it to the front door, a larger orange mare with freckles opens it and walks out.

>"Uh--Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres. Yer a lot taller than I heard," says the horse with a strong southern accent.

>It extends a hoof, and I crouch down to give it a shake.

>The voice makes me want to say it's female, but this is a pretty manly hand shake I'm getting right now.

I'm dryer than a dead dingo's donger here, and I need a pint a beer.

>"I'm not sure what that is."

>A green old mare comes to its side and tells me, "We don't make whisky."

Finally! Someone who gets it. Old lady horse, do you at least know how to make whisky?

>"First of all, I ain't old, I'm just age impaired, and second, we don't need whisky in these kind of parts. This is a good town full of good ponies, the last thing I wanna see are some drunks bumblin' through these streets," she says.

A refusal? I'm not surprised.

>I reach into my pocket and pull out a small ruby. Both of their eyes widen at the sight.

I've got millions worth of stone in my home. You scratch my back, and I can make you guys very happy.

>They continue to stare at the gem and contemplate what to do, but granny eventually breaks her lusty gaze and gives a response.

>" I'm sorry, but we ain't compromising our morals."

For the love of whoopin' wallies-What's the strongest thing ya make?!

>Apricot mare tells you, "Our cider's got a bit a kick, but that's only seasonal."

Seasonal?

>Grapefruit elaborates.

>"Back when it wasn't seasonal, we'd have ponies like you drop by everyday to try and get some. We could'nt work and fill demand at the same time. It only got worse until we decided to make it seasonal."

Sounds like the real deal. I want a barrel of this cider as soon as possible. I'll give ya whatever ya need.

>"Sorry, but no," says orange. "If we compromise for you, it'll cause a chain reaction we just ain't prepared for."

What's the worst that could happen?

>"You don't even know," she says ominously.

>I notice her vision's slightly to my left, so I turn to see if she's looking at something. For a brief moment, I see a pink figure in the distance watching us, but it disappears like a blur. The hell that was, I have no clue.

I don't get yer problem, and honestly, I don't care. Ya just sound lazy in my book.

>Granny green's expression shifts from docile to pissed off in a fraction of a second.

>"Get down here so I can see yer face," she says.

>I crouch down accordingly.

>"Look here boy, the Apples are the hardest working families this side of Equestria. My grandbaby right here works every day bucking apples out of trees, my grandson tows so many apples, that he's the strongest colt in Ponyville, my grandest daughter spends her days doing everything under the son to find her cutie mark, and don't even get me started on the work I put in with my parents to make this town the way it is. You have no clue how hard I work! Now get offa' my farm before I sic Winona on ya."

>I get as close to Granny's face as I can without kissing her snout.

You wanna talk me down? ME? ANONYMOUS?!

>I laugh a little.

Listen here 'girl'. I spent every day for over a dozen years fighting, hunting, and scavenging to survive. I've never had the luxuries of others to rely on for a decade. Everything I earned, came from the most dangerous work possible that could kill a lesser man. I'M the strongest human where I come from, and now that I'm here I'M the strongest man in this horse filled twilight zone. Don't you dare try to talk me down ya bloody bogan, because it's literally impossible.

>We stare each other down for a lifetime until tangerine blast breaks us apart.

>"Now you just wait a sec. Big Macintosh is the strongest thing in Ponyville; you can't top him," she says.

GUAKYAHKYAH! Sorry horse, not a chance.

>Granny gets back into my face as she tells you, "Wanna put yer ruby where yer mouth is?"

>This seems like the perfect time for another survival tip.

>Remember future explorers, when walking into new territories, always bring an air of confidence to the party. How you act and respond to your surroundings can be a dead give away to if you're a threat or not. Certain species will try to challenge you, especially when you enter their turf, but I assume you're probably not in it to fight wild animals. The important thing is to stand your ground, and don't over-extend yourself. It could be the difference between being the hunter or the hunted. Time to show these horses who the real alpha dog is.

>The green mare begins walking out to the hills and tells me, "Follow me, human."

>I follow the mare accompanied by the orange lad, and we begin walking through the many hills and past the plethora of trees until we finally see a large red colt hauling a giant wagon of apples that stretches to my height and is just as wide.

>He looks to my direction and gives a small wave.

>Before he can even get a word out, granny green tells him, "Big Macintosh, are you feelin' tired?"

>"NNNOPE," he nonchalantly says.

>Granny tells him, "This colt is Anon; he thinks he's stronger than you."

>His sheepish grin comes to his face.

>"That's cute," he says.

"So what now?" I say to the granny, "I could school this fool, but what's in it for me?"

>"Well, tell ya what. Outmatch Big Macintosh, and I'll get you a huge barrel of cider, free of charge; beat Mac, and you give us that ruby and wait till cider season like the others," says Granny.

I could clear a barrel in an evening. Make it two barrels and you've got a deal.

>She gives a cocky smirk before extending her hoof. I shake in agreement.

>Macintosh asks, "Wait, there's a ruby involved?"

>Granny tells him, "You bet, and it's all ours if you can beat him. You can do that, right deary?"

>"I guess so," he says.

>With the bet set, Granny points to a pair of trees just a few feet away. Both of similar size.

>"Listen up, Anon. If you can knock more apples out of the tree on the left, then Big Mac with the tree on the right, then you win," she says.

Cool.

>Freckle face gives Mac a hug and tells him, "Good luck brother."

>Macintosh tells me, "Good luck Anonymous,"  and gets into a stance. His hoof grinds into the dirt a couple of times, and he begins sprinting to the tree.

>In a swift turn, he sends his hooves into the tree, and it rumbles fiercely. Every apple falls out in a matter of seconds. When his hooves remove themselves, there are two visible indentations.

>"That's about forty-three apples," says the Granny without counting.

How can you tell?

>"I just can. Yur' up Anonymous," she says.

>I walk my way to the tree, and take a deep breath. In a quick motion, I send my right palm into the trunk and the entire tree grinds a foot through the dirt, practically falling over. I guess my form was a little off.

>I struck the tree so hard, that it literally changed its spot, but only a few apples actually fly out.

>"Twelve apples," says granny green. "I'm...not sure if this should count of not."

>Not-so-big Macintosh tells her, "Maybe we should try a different test."

How about something more my style?

>The others give me their attention and Macintosh asks, "What do you have in mind?"

Arm wrestling. My hand, your hoof.

>Carontenosis asks, "Is it like hoof wrastlin'?"

I guess.

>Granny tells you, "Sounds like a plan. Everypony, back to the barmy so we can do this on a table.

>We all head off, ditching the wagon of apples Mac was pulling.

>During the walk, Big Macintosh asks, "Hey, anypony know where's Apple Bloom?"

>"She's hiding from Anon because the girls aren't here," says carrot cheeks.

>I need to remind myself to revisit this place exclusively to spook this 'Apple Bloom'.

>You all arrive back at the barn, and finally you get to walk inside. The  interior seems very classic, but I don't care, I'm just glad I can walk through the door without turning sideways. Still gotta squat though.

>Rangpur walks to a small pedestal and removes a photo sitting on it with her mouth. It then moves the pedestal to the center of the living room with its teeth and places it down.

Okay 'partner'. Si'down so I can get my cider.

>I take a seat, and put my elbow down in anticipation.

>"No hard feelings, okay Anon?" says Macintosh.

Sure thing.

>His hoof interlocks with my palm and granny begins a count-off.

>"Okay now. On yer' mark, get seeet, GO!"

>This bloak goes all out to try and bring my arm down. Crikey, he's got strength like a gators got bite!

>I actually have to do something I've rarely done for a while, and struggle against this guy's strength.

>Even with me struggling, we're completely dead in the middle.

>"Now, I respect how strong you are Anon, but I'm not letting you win. That ruby's gonna be ours, but maybe we can be friends after this is over," he says.

I gotta admit, you're pretty tough. Tell me, if I broke your leg, would they drive a bullet through you skull, or try to fix it here?

>"Probably fix it. But I'd hate to be useless while it heals. The farm needs me and all," he says.

Fair enough. I won't break it then.

>I shut off my natural sense of restraint, and drive this colts legs into the pedestal dislocating it in the process. He gives out a loud wale as I let go and he doubles over.

"GHAAAHAHAAA!"

Strongest.

>He takes a few deep breaths to try and absorb the pain. Doesn't look like he's taking it too well though.

>Dotty cheeks yells out, "WHAT IN THE HAY, ANON?!" as Mac's Granny rushes over to him at a snail's pace.

You gonna be okay, Big Guy?

>"Yye-" pop "NOPE!

>In at least a week, it'll get better on its own, but I decide to have pity on him, and relocate it.

>Orangey Apple-bottom tries to stop me when I reach for his leg, but I just push the horse into the wall and grab it anyways.

 I know what I'm doing.

>I pull the leg back, and he begins giving bitter groans.

Don't be such a baby. At least I didn't break it.

>In a swift push, you send it back into place.

There. Now how does that feel?

>"It sort of stings," he says.

Deal with it. You should be okay if you don't push yourself.

>As the orange horse gets up from me pushing her, she says in an almost unsure tone, "Uh, thanks, I guess?

Don't mention it. So Granny, how about that cider?

>She tells me, "Well, Mac is usually the one to power the juicer, but I guess Applejack will have to handle it this time.

Wait, wait, wait. You, freckle puss, your name's 'Applejack'?

>"Yeah. You didn't know that?" it says.

>I begin to laugh a bit.

Fluttershy mentioned ya, and this entire time I didn't even know you were her!

>I laugh some more, and Applejack laughs a little with me.

Aw man do I feel like an arse, hehe...but seriously, I want that cider as soon as possible.

 

Journal entree 34

 

>I gotta admit, I kind of like the Apple Family. They got spirit in them.

>I return home with two barrels of chilled cider in my arms. Both were free of charge, but I gave them the ruby anyways. It meant more to them then it would've to me, and I didn't care about it so long as I had what I wanted.

>I was accompanied by the misses after tracking her down in town, and she came home wheeling all sorts of junk. A burgundy couch, a mattress and blankets, detergent, a washboard, a clock, bags of groceries despite the fact that we can scrounge off of the forest, and a case of medical supplies. I guess the last one is koind of okay, but she could've at least cut the groceries.

>Now that we're home, I just wanna enjoy my cider, but no; I have to move our new couch in front of the gem pile.

>"A little to the left, please," she says.

>I take a step to my side.

>"Two centimeters right, and three and a half inches forward."

Jane Doe, I love you, but don't think I won't break your ankle if you keep making me move this.

>"Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah just a little bit more," she says nonchalantly.

>I take another step forward and scoot a little to the right. Jane then scoped the entire place with her hands before making a decision.

>"Perfect. Nice and symmetrical," she says with a smile.

So are we done of what?

>"We're done love, you can go on to your bloody cider," she says cheerfully.

>With everything taken care of, she heads to the mattress and gets comfortable. I take a seat with her, grab a barrel next to the mat, pop the tap, and chug away as if it's a large beer can.

>As the flavor hits my tongue, I feel a strange sensation of flavical bliss I've never had before. It's so, cool and crisp, and the apple taste is so pure and delicious. It's like mouth cocaine, or something.

>"How is it, hon?" asks Jane.

This is the greatest drink I've ever had in my life.

>She pops the second barrel's tap, and fills half a scorpa-lion's skull with it. She takes a sip, and her pupils shrink as the flavor hits her.

>"This is pretty good. It doesn't even have the horrid taste of alcohol."

Well, it's not really beer. It's actually cider.

"Are you feeling a buzz or anything?"

>I sigh in disappointment.

Not even close...I'm gonna go kill something to make me feel better.