Almost Human Chapter 3 - More Flankin' for the Spankin'

“GREETINGS!”  A large blue pony wearing a crown screams at you while inches away from your face.

 

Dat voice…  

 

It was anything BUT alluring!  Oh dear God, your ears!  They won’t stop ringing!  Why won’t they stop ringing!?  Is someone talking!?  Hello!?    

 

The deafening sound of her voice nearly pops your eardrums and the wind from her breath blows violently into your face causing you to trip over.  You shake your head to clear the ringing and stand on your two feet once again.  The ringing in your ears had thankfully subsided quickly.

 

As the door opens, it reveals a blue pony that was somewhat smaller than Princess Celestia.  She too also wore a crown and was dark blue with various areas of black around her.  And her mane, Mother of God!  It flowed elegantly in the air like her sister’s and it was the color of the night.  It was truly a sight to behold.  As you stare at her mindlessly at her mane, she interrupts your trance by once again shattering your eardrums.

 

“I AM THE LUNA!  GODESS OF THE MOON AND RULER OF THE NIGHT!  I AM THE SISTER OF THE GODESS OF THE SUN AND CO-RULER OF EQUESTRIA, PRINCESS CELESTIA!  THY HUMAN, WHAT IS THE NAME OF THOU!?”  The blue alicorn continued while nearly yelling at you.

 

Is she pissed at you or something?  You stand back on your two feet regaining your composure and your sense of hearing.  Her voice may be intimidating, but you stand your ground.

 

She also said she was a princess and that of royalty.  Not only that, she was the sister of the one giving you a luxurious room within the castle and free food.  Knowing that, you greet her the same way as you do Celestia.  You assume the same kneeling position as before.

 

“My name is Anon, your highness.”  You say while facing the ground.

 

“ON THY FEET, HUMAN!  WE WISH TO EXAMINE THEE!”  She spoke.

 

“Umm…   Yes, your highness?”  You reply while sounding somewhat confused.  

 

As you quickly rose to your feet, she then starts circling you several times while examining you closely.  She moves in and looks close enough to almost invade your personal space.  You start eyeballing her as she walks around you while not making a move.  

 

“Hmm…  Mmhmm…  Yes…  Oh!  I see…  Uh-huh…  Interesting…  Oh my…!  Mmmm..!”  She said with her “inside” voice while still closely examining you.  

 

She also leans in every now and then and starts sniffing you on various parts of your body like that of a bloodhound.  You feel her warm breath on your skin as she exhales causing you to shiver slightly with goose bumps encroaching your body.  This very sentient being you are holding a conversation with apparently still held some of her ‘animalistic’ mannerisms.  

 

She was quite the curious one.  That’s for damn sure

 

Your Jimmies.  They rustle.  Make it stop.  In the name of Rachel Rays’ recycled and rehashed leftovers, make them stop.  

 

She then stops in front of you while facing you directly in the eyes with her face once again a few inches from yours.

 

“Anon, was it?”  She continued.

 

“Y-yes, your highness.”  You replied.  

 

“Charmed.”  

 

“Likewise.  The way that you speak…  It is not like your sister’s way of words.  Almost that of a different dialect.”

 

“Ahh yes.  The tone of my voice is the way I address my subjects in older times.  My sister too speaks this way, but as of late, she’s adapted a new dialect of which seems rather new and strange to me.  I am still trying to learn of this modern language of hers.  Please forgive me if I had startled thee.”  She said while rubbing one of her forelegs with one of her hoofs and turning her gaze away from you.

 

“Now now, Princess.  Your voice may be fierce, but there is passion when you speak in your old tongue.  I can see those of whom you speak to can be intimidated by you.  I will admit that I was taken by surprise, but do not apologize for your tone.  I am rather… impressed and intrigued by it.”  You say.

 

Brain:  You are so flirting with her.  And with a horse of all things.

 

You:  The fuck you talking about, brain?  It’s called complimenting and striking a conversation.  A princess like her should be used to it, I’m sure.  Besides, a little bit of flattery can help get on her good graces.

 

Luna then starts rubbing the back of her mane with one of her forehooves and starts blushing slightly.

 

You:  Fuck!  I hope that last remark I made didn’t come out the way I think it did.  Surely it-  Nah, it couldn’t have.  She’s a princess.  She should be used to all the ass-kissing and praises she gets from her subjects.  Even she can’t be THAT much of a hermit crab.

 

“R-Really?  Well, I don’t know about that.”  She said while giggling slightly.  “Well, I too am impressed with you, myself.”

 

“Hm?  How so?”  You ask while tilting your head to the side.

 

“Usually, when I address my subjects with my old tongue, they are frightened and timid.  I have met few of whom were able to stand undeterred by my use of the traditional way of speaking.  You must not scare easily.”

 

“Heh!  Yeah. well…  You know…”

 

Maximumpokerface.jpg

 

Brain:  How scared were you?

 

You:  Shitless.  

 

“Are you… some kind of knight or warrior?”  She continued while raising an eyebrow.

 

“I wouldn’t really consider myself either, princess.  But I have faced confrontation.”  You say.  

 

“Anyways, what can I do for you, Princess Luna?”  You continue while trying to change the subject.

 

“I wanted to see you, the human, myself with my own two eyes.  Also I must say, you are a rather interesting…  Specimen.”  She said while continuing to eyeball you up and down.  

 

“Umm…  Thanks.”  

 

Brain:  Mmm-Hm…

 

You: Shut up brain.  Don’t make me stab you with a q-tip!

 

“Also I was asked by my older sister to inform you that dinner will be served shortly.  Come along now and accompany me.”

 

You nod your head as you take her side and walk beside her.

 

“My sister has spoken of you continuously ever since your arrival.  She seems to have quite the fascination with you.”  She said.

 

“Looks like I got a fan.”  You reply.  “Judging from what I’ve learned about your world so far and my race, my kind isn’t exactly easy to find considering that I am supposed to be make-believe in your world.  It’s like I came right out of a book, eh?”

 

“Or even a little ones’s imagination.”  She replied.

 

You smirk as you continue to accompany her.

 

As you enter the dining hall, you see Celestia seated at the end of the table.

 

“Ahh!  Anon!  Luna!  Have a seat, we can begin shortly.”  Celestia greeted to the both of you.  “Please Anon, have a seat right next to the both of us.”

 

Luna takes one side of her sister as she sits while you take the other side sitting cross legged.  

Another pony emerges from the distance wearing a tuxedo with a notepad and a pencil held in his mouth.  

 

The waiter approaches Celestia first.

 

“What will you have this fine evening your highness?” He asks.

 

“A salad will do.”  She replies.

 

“Excellent choice!  And for you Princes Luna?”

 

“I’ll have the very same.”

 

“Very well then, Princess.  And for our guest here, what will you-“ He stops mid-sentence with a look of shock and horror on his face.

 

You sigh while turning your attention to the stunned waiter.  You start leaning in towards the waiter slowly, but the he is too scared to even move a muscle or back away.  You move in close enough where your nose is literally an inch away from his face.

 

“BOO!”  You scream at the top of your lungs.  Your waiter shrieks and cowers behind Celestia.

 

Luna and Celestia both start giggling with their hoof covering their mouth.

 

“Do not be alarmed.”  Celestia said while addressing the waiter while trying to suppress her giggles.  “Treat him as our guest.  I assure you that he comes in peace.”  

 

“Y-yes.  As you say, princess.”  The waiter said while emerging behind the larger alicorn.  The look of fear was still somewhat apparent on his face.

 

“Sorry about that.  I just couldn’t resist.”  You say while facing the waiter.  

 

“N-no problem, sire.  What will you have this fine evening?”  The waiter said while sounding a little more relaxed.

 

“What kind of cuts do you have?”  You ask.

 

“Cuts?  I’m actually quite fine sir.  I have no bruises or markings on me.  I’m quite healthy sir.”  The waiter replies while sounding somewhat confused.

 

Luna and Celestia then raised their eyebrows while turning their head slightly to your direction.  Their ears started perking up and your conversation with the waiter starting to become a subject of interest to them.  They seem to be curious of what you are talking about.

 

“No.  That’s not what I meant.  Do you have any poultry or cows?”  You say while sounding a bit confused yourself.

 

“Well… Yes.  There are some residents of cows here in Canterlot, Ponyville and various parts of Equestria.  Chickens also roam the land as well.  I would love to discuss more about the demographics and residents of Equestria with you, but it will have to be at a later time.  I do have a kitchen to run and several others to feed.  So what can I order for you?”

 

“Demographics?  Residents?  Sir, I was wondering what kind of mea-“

 

Oh god…  No.  

 

“Do you have any burgers?  Do you serve bacon?  Steak?  Pork?  Jerky?!”  You ask while becoming increasingly worried.

 

“Burgers?  Bay… Kin?  What are these meals you speak of, sir?  I have never heard of such delicatessens.”  He asks still clearly confused.  

 

You turn to both Celestia and Luna who both just shrug at you with no clue what the Hell you are talking about.  

 

You then stare blankly across the table.

 

“Anon?  Anon?”  Celestia says while nudging your damn-near lifeless body with her hoof.

 

Ponies.  Talking animals.  Animals as sentient beings.  You have come to one dreadful conclusion of this world and its inhabitants.  

 

They are all …vegetarians.  Herbivores.  For anyone to consume red meat in this world would probably be borderline cannibalism or some form of it.  Judging by the reaction from everyone around you, meat appears to have no place in this world nor has it been considered.  It was one thing to hold a conversation with your food, but to be eating it later on wouldn’t have felt right.  

 

“ANON!  IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THOU!?”  Luna screams at you.

 

You snap out of your trance and find yourself in the dining hall with the two princesses and waiter by your side.

 

“Huh?”  You say dumbfounded while noticing everyone staring at you.  

 

“Oh!  Ummm…  Make that 3 salads.”  You reply with a melancholy tone.

 

Suddenly, the iron fist ruling of a demented mass murdering conduit didn’t seem that bad.  At least they served prime rib where you were from.

 

“Very well then, sir!  I’ll get right on it!”  The waiter replies while dashing back into the kitchen.

 

“Forgive me, Anon.”  Luna said while lowering her voice.  “You seemed to have been in some type of trance with an unusual expression on your face.  Is everything okay?”

 

There’s a term for that facial expression.  It’s called misery.

 

“Don’t worry about it.  I’m fine, really!  I guess I’m just still a bit groggy from my nap.”  

 

“So Anon…”  Celestia asks while turning her full attention to you.  “Why don’t you tell me a little bit about where you’re from?”

 

“I come from a city called San Ramon.  It’s somewhere on a state called California, west of a Continent called North America.  Ever heard of it?”  You ask.

 

“I can’t say I’ve ever heard of this land ‘North America’ or ‘San Ramon’ you speak of.”  She replies while sounding intrigued.  

 

“Heh.  I guess I’m a bit a ways from home.”  You say.  

 

“Don’t worry, Anon.  We’ll see if we can find a way to help you uncover more of what happened during your time away from home.”  Celestia says.

 

Your ears perk up.  

 

“Umm…  I…  Uh.. w-wouldn’t want you to look too much into this.  It’s quite alright, really!  I mean, don’t you have enough to worry about?  You have a kingdom to run and I can only imagine how much of your time and energy it takes up.  I really don’t want you to bear any more weight on your shoulders than you have to already.”

 

“Oh!  My, how very…  Considerate of you!”  She says while sounding almost taken back.

 

“I can tell you are caring by your very nature.   It’s a nice trait, but if you do nothing but worry, you’ll just have more problems added already to your existing ones and they’ll never get solved!  Don’t you worry about my problems; you let me worry about ‘blank’…  Err..  My problems.  These sort of things can weigh you down and really ruin your beauty sleep.”

 

Celestia continues to gaze at you.  

 

“N-N-NOT THAT YOU SEEM TO BE LOSING BEAUTY SLEEP, YOU’RE QUITE BEAUTIFUL!  But it’s just that…  umm…  yeah.”

 

Smooth.

 

Brain:  More flirting I see.  You are quite the lady killer, I must say.  Or in this case, the mare killer.  

 

You:  This shit again?  Remember what I said about Luna?  About her being a princess and receiving praises and compliment from her subjects?  I’m sure she’s used to it also…  Right?

 

Brain:  Ahh, yes.  What DID you say about that?

 

You turn to see that her face is blushing slightly while she faced you with a smile and half lidded eyes.  

 

You:  Her too, huh?  

 

Brain:  Yep.

 

For a solid 9.84658375939398738694587584783982121 seconds, you stare into her half-lidded amethyst eyes while she kept the same expression on her face.  Being the socially awkward faggot you are with female anything, you immediately turn away to the table.

 

BetaAsFuck.jpg

 

You grab the glass of water and quickly take a sip avoiding her gaze and swirling your glass.  You also place your dinner napkin on your lap while trying to seem uninterested in her and trying to look busy while hoping she would turn her attention away from you.  Your hand on the table is shaking with your fingers drumming the table continuously.

 

Brain:  Is she still looking at you?

 

You look back at her noticing that she still has the same gaze upon you.  You turned away once again.  

 

Jimmies are approaching rustling at break-neck pace.

 

You:  Yes, she is.  And she caught me stealing a glance.

 

Brain:  Beautiful.

 

You:  FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

 

Awkward silence fills the air, and what felt like seconds felt like hours.  The tension has thankfully  been cleared by the waiter as he carries three large bowls of salads being wheeled out on a cart.  

 

Thank God.

 

“Is there anything else I can get you?”  The waiter asks after laying out all of the food on the table.

 

“That will be all for me.”  Celestia says.

 

“Me as well.”  Luna says.

 

“Nah, I’m good.”  You reply.

 

As you begin eating you turn to your right and see the princesses of day and night eating out of their bowl like that of an animal in your world would.  It was almost like your cat back home and how she would eat directly out of her food bowl.  But then again why were there utensils on the table?  Was it there just to hold the table down from floating?  Was it there for decoration?

 

A smirk appears on your face as you watched Luna eating out of her bowl.  Luna then turns her face and notices your gaze upon her.

 

She caught you staring at her.  Peeper.

 

“Umm…  Yes, Anon?  Is there something I can do for you?”  Luna ask while giver her full attention to you.

 

“Oh!   Ummm….  Er…”  You said while stumbling on your own words.

 

Brain:  Think, stupid!  Think!  Think of something to say!

 

You:  Isn’t that YOUR fucking job!?

 

Brain:  Wait, I think I got something…

 

“Could you…  Um…   Pass the salt?”

 

“Certainly, Anon!  Here!”  She replied while levitating a salt shaker to you.

 

“Thank you Prin-“  You cut off your own speech and bolt upright standing while backing a few steps from the table abruptly.  

 

“Anon, is there something wrong?  Did we accidentally hand you the pepper shaker?  Is this some kind of human custom where we have offended thee?”  Luna asks while concerned over the look of shock on your face.  Your eyes were widened.

 

“That salt shaker…  It… It floated by itself!”  You exclaim.

 

Wait…  Were there conduits here in Equestria also!?  Have they taken some kind of equine form?

 

“Anon, what are you talking about?”  Celestia says while turning to you.

 

“That salt shaker!  Don’t you see it?!  It’s floating!”  You say while pointing to it.

 

“Oh this?”  Celestia says while smiling.  “Luna is simply using her magic to give you the salt shaker.”

 

“Wait…  M-magic?”

 

“That is correct, Anon.  Magic.”

 

“Magic.”

 

“Indeed.”

 

You look back at the floating salt shaker, Luna, and Celestia several times switching gazes with each of them.

 

“Magic, huh?”  You say while grabbing the salt shaker that was once suspended in the air.  “Wait…  What?”

 

“I honestly don’t know how to make this anymore clearer, Anon.  Is there not any magic from where you came from?”  Celestia asks.

 

“Umm…  No.  Magic was nothing but make-believe in my world.  It doesn’t exist where I’m from.”

 

The two princesses gasp at you.

 

“Then how did you manage to get things done in your world?  How did you live?  How does your race survive?”  Luna asks.

 

“Considering that magic never existed in my world, that may take some time to explain.”

 

“Perhaps another time, Anon?”  Celestia spoke.  “Let us enjoy the evening and each other’s’ company, yes?  Let’s save the work for our scholars.”

 

“Yeah, sounds good.”  You say while calming down and taking your seat next to Celestia.  “Oh, also...  When I was thrown in prison, I seemed to have lost my belongings.  Do you know where they might have gone?  They’re all I have left.”  You ask.

 

“Ahh, yes.  It must be in confiscation.  I’ll be sure to inform Captain Shining Armor and have them brought up to your room.”  

 

“Thanks.”

 

After some time had passed, the three of you had finally finished your dinner.  The waiter comes out once again with several other ponies following him.  The waiter approaches the three of you while the other two cleared the table while taking occasional glances at you specifically.

 

“How was everything?”  He asked.

 

“Superb!”  Celestia says.

 

“Magnificent as always!”  Luna says.

 

“I’m not a salad man, myself.  But you did manage to somehow make it palatable for me and I enjoyed it.  You’re quite the chef, I must say.”

 

“Thank you, kind… human!  As the head chef of this castle, I do pride myself in making only the highest quality of food fit for royalty and the princess’s guests!”

 

Although, a dead animal would have been even better.

 

“Umm…  Just call me Anon.”  You reply while taking a sip of water.

 

“Very well, Anon!  Now then, shall we get started on dessert?  Will you be having your usual dessert of chocolate coated sugar cubes this evening, Princes Celestia?”

 

“Ahh, my favorite!  Yes, please!”  Celestia replies enthusiastically.

 

You just felt your insulin spike up tremendously upon hearing that.

 

“I will pass on dessert tonight.  I should be watching my sugar intake.  It becomes quite difficult to watch thy figure if one does nothing but indulge in sugar cubes and dessert.”  Luna says while standing up.

 

“Oh, come now!  Don’t deprive yourself of such pleasures, Luna!”  Celestia says.

 

She then pauses for a moment and a smile creeps on her face.  

 

“Oh!  I see what the problem here is…  It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.  I understand completely!  It’s nothing to be ashamed of, really!”

 

“Hmm?  Whatever do you mean, elder sister?”  Luna asks.

 

You continue hearing the conversation between the two alicorns while occasionally taking sips of water and pretending to ignore them.

 

“Are you being self-conscious about your big flank again?”  Celestia asks while poking the moon symbol on her sister’s plot with her hoof.

 

You perform a spit take while covering your mouth preventing as much water from splattering everywhere the best you could.  You start coughing and gagging while wiping your face and table.  You still pretended to ignore their conversation, but you weren’t convincing anyone.  

 

Celestia then turns to your direction and starts laughing at your reaction. She then redirects her attention towards back to her now blushing furiously sister while still suppressing her laughs.  

 

“Sister!  H-how… could you!?”  Luna yelps while acting flustered.

 

“Oh, don’t be ashamed.  Many colts find that sort of thing attractive.  You should be proud and learn to embrace such a quality.  I’m sure there are many jealous mares out there who wish to have a flank as big as yours!”  She continues while laughing out loud once again.

 

“Well!  I never!”

 

“And with a flank like that, I’m surprised you haven’t!”

 

Trollestia.jpeg

 

“M-…  M-must you ridicule us in front of our guest?!  Such uncouth manners, we must say!”  Luna continues while gasping.

 

“Oh relax!  He is not a diplomat, messenger, or a representation of royalty!  He is not as much of a stiff like the few other guests we had in the past.  He is simply but a friend joining us while we enjoy each other’s company.  Right, Anon?”

 

Isn’t this nice?  Doesn’t being part of tender family moments like this warm your heart while knowing that you have no choice but to be a part of it?  Isn’t feeling the tension and animosity between these two rising a beautiful thing while you stand smack-dab in the center of it?  

 

Isn’t it just…  fucking grand?

 

You nod your head while forcing a smile.

 

Luna then looks at you while having an expression of embarrassment as clear as day on her face.  She then looks away in shame.  Celestia on the other hand was still giggling like a japanese schoolgirl on amphetamines and MAO inhibitors.  

 

Even if it was just typical sibling teasing, you couldn’t help but notice the long face on Luna.  

 

BA DUM TSSS

 

You couldn’t help but feel embarrassed for her also.  You decided to step up to the plate.  

 

“Now now, Princess Celestia.  Play nice with your younger sister, you hear?”  

 

“Oh, Anon.  I was just simply having a bit of harmless fun with her.  She needs to lighten up sometimes.  There’s nothing wrong with that, I’m sure!”

 

“But, still…”  Luna said while still facing the both of you away.  She now had the a melancholy tone in her voice.

 

Celestia’s laughter had suddenly disappeared and now a look of guilt and sympathy was on her face.  She was genuinely sorry and you saw it on the elder sister’s face.  Celestia rubbed the side of her foreleg with one of her front hooves as silence filled the air.

 

You:  Hey yo, Brain!  We should probably do something.  It’s kinda hard seeing her like this.  I think I’m going to need your help here.

 

Brain:  Relax, I got this.

 

“Luna, I think your sister may have a point.”

 

The goddess of the night meets your gaze with her.

 

“Does thou think thy backside is enormous as well?”  Luna asks.

 

“Yes…  I mean no!  I mean…!  Look, your xbox hueg flank is not the problem here, okay?  It’s something beyond that.  Your sister is trying to teach you something here.”

 

Celestia then turns her attention to you with a look of curiosity.  She seemed to have taken interest in your words suddenly.    

 

“And what might that be, Anon?”  Luna asks.

 

“You can’t always take things too seriously.  You have to learn to laugh and enjoy life a little more, even if it means laughing at yourself every now and then.  If you let your fears get the best of you, whatever it may be including something meaningless such as your insecurities, then your fears will hold you back from living your life.”

 

“Oh!  I see.”  Luna said while her tone of voice sounding a bit uplifted.

 

“You know your older sister loves you!  Isn’t that right, Princess Celestia?  She just has her own way of showing it.  Granted that it’s not ‘traditional’ love, but it is still there.”  You said while turning your attention to the elder trolling sister.

 

“Of course I do, Anon!  And what you said just now…  I couldn’t have said it better myself.”  She replied while now turning her attention to her younger sister.  “I am sorry, dear sister.  It was only meant to be harmless fun, but I will be more considerate next time.  If I do seem to step out of line, please let me know.”

 

Luna then makes her way to Celestia.

 

“Apology accepted.  And perhaps it is me who should learn to…  How you say; ‘lighten up’?  It has been a while since I’ve been… you know…  around others.  I am still trying to become reacquainted with this new world.”

 

“I understand, Lulu.”  

 

You start wondering to yourself:  Did something happen between those two in the past?  Maybe you should have stayed out of delicate family matters such as this.    

 

But then again, you changed your mind when you saw the two of them embrace each other as a sign of their reconciliation.

 

“And as for you Anon…”  Luna said while releasing her embrace from her older sister.  She then walks towards you as you face her.

 

“I thank thee.  I never knew that humans can be so... full of wisdom.  It is almost that of like my sister’s.”

 

“Heh.  I wouldn’t exactly call myself the kind of guy you would look up to.  There are others who can be a better role model or source of wisdom than I.  It’s just a little something I learned.”    

 

“And humble too, we must say!  Perhaps if thou isn’t preoccupied with obligations to others, we would like it if…  um…  we can... exchange pleasantries while engaging in social interaction with one another?  I would love to engage in indulging myself with more of your wisdom and partake in this activity called ‘fun’ with thou.”  She said while once again looking away from you and shuffling her hooves.

 

AllOfMyWhat.jpg

 

You then turn your attention to Celestia with a quizzical look on your face.

 

“She wants to hang out with you if you’re not busy.”  Celestia said while giggling.

 

“Oh!  Sure!  I’d like that very much, Luna.  Whenever you have time, we’ll do something together.”

 

“You will!?  Oh, this is most excellent!  I do wish we can do this ‘hanging out’ activity sooner, but I do believe that it is time for me to tend to my duties.  Now then, if you’ll excuse me…”  Luna says while leaving the dining hall.  You noticed that her gaze was now facing forward and her mood was completely uplifted.

 

“Is it time already?  My how time flies.  I will see you later, Lulu.”

 

“Likewise, Tia.  And I will see you later, Anon.”

 

Tia?  Lulu?  Must be their nicknames for each other.  

 

“You two play nice now, you hear?”  You said.

 

Luna and Celestia nods at you with a smile.  

 

You should get your own daytime talk show or something.

 

Not like the Jerry Springer kind, but more like the Oprah Winfrey, Sally Jesse Raphael, or DAAAWCTUR FEEEEYUUL kind.

 

Luna stops before the exit and looks back at you.  As you catch her stealing a glance from you, her wings sprout into the air as she shuffles and leaves the dining hall in a hasteful manner.

 

Well, that was weird.

 

The waiter then clears his throat and you turn your attention to him.          

 

“And for you, Anon?”  The waiter asks you.

 

“I’ll skip on dessert tonight.  I think I’ll be a GOOD boy this evening and also skip on the sugary stuff.”  You said while turning your attention to Celestia and emphasizing the word ‘good’.

 

The both of you exchanged smirks with each other.

 

“As you wish, Anon.  One order of chocolate-coated sugar cubes for Princess Celestia coming right up!”  

 

The waiter and his two followers headed back into the kitchen.

 

Sugar cubes?  Odd choice of dessert.  But then again, it made sense.  She was an equine.

 

But chocolate covered sugar cubes?  Good fucking Lord…

 

Suddenly, you remember the conversation that was held between Captain Shining Armor and one of the guards while they carried you from Evertree Forest.

 

-Flashback-

 

“Hahaha!  Fat Flank!  That’s a good one, Soldier!  With the way Princess Celestia eats sugar cubes, it’s gotta be pretty hard to hide that thing!”  One of them said while the both of them let out a boisterous laugh.

 

“Yeah!  And Princess Luna is getting kind of big also!  She might be letting herself go!  Her flank is getting kinda huge as well!  But hey, it’s not always a bad thing now is it, Captain?”  The other replied while letting out a chuckle.  

 

-End flashback-

 

Celestia had turned her attention to a window as she watched the moon rise on the horizon and night falling.  With Celestia distracted, you turn your eyes down to her flank to see if there was any truth to Captain Armor’s comment on her supposedly huge posterior.

 

It was…  actually…  kinda big.  

 

Well isn’t she the one to talk!  

 

It was WAY bigger than her younger sister’s flank, but then again she was bigger than her.  The captain was right after all.  It wasn’t grotesquely out of proportion compared to the rest of her body, but it did kinda stick out quite a bit.  It was evident that she did have a thing for sugar cubes.

 

Wait, why are you even analyzing this horse’s huge ass in the first place?

 

“Umm….  Anon?”  Celestia says while now looking at you and where your eyes are directed.  “Are you okay?  Is there something wrong?”

 

You snap back to reality while breaking your gaze from Celestia’s HYOOGE flank and redirect your eyes toward hers.  You see that she has one of her eyebrows raised while looking at you.

 

“N-nothing’s wrong!”  You say while somewhat flustered but trying to hide it.  You turn you gaze away from hers once again.  You take another glance at her and her face was now approaching yours.  

 

You really need to work on your eye contact.  Big time.

 

“Was there something down there that caught your interest?  What was it you were looking at?”  She continued in a hushed tone, almost close to whispering.

 

“Umm…”  Your eyes widened nearly popping out of your head and your voice breaking.

 

The direction of where this conversation was heading was beginning to rustle your jimmies in ways you can only imagine.

 

Brain:  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.  Don’t say ‘your flank’.

 

“I was looking at… your flank?”

 

>FML

 

Brain:  That’s it.  I’m outta here.  *footsteps*  *Door slams shut*

 

Fan.  Fucking.  Tastic.

 

Looks like it’s back to the dungeon for you.  Damn that Captain Shining Armor!  He’s going to get your ass in trouble!

 

Mental note to self: drop the people’s elbow and layeth the smackdown on the Captain’s candy-ass when he isn’t looking.

 

“My…  flank?”  She asks.  You couldn’t detect her tone of voice or reaction.  

 

But her intentions were made clear as day when she started scooting closer towards you.  

 

“Now why would you be looking at my flank?  Is there something about it that interests you?”  Her voice was getting damn close to whispering.

 

“Umm…”

 

“Yes, Anon?”  Her face was now inches from yours.  Her tone was now approaching a somewhat seductive tone.  And along with that voice of hers…  Hohohooooo man…  

 

Okay.  Think.  Think.  Think.  Think.  Think.  You work best under pressure anyways.  

 

“I was just…”

 

“Hm?”

 

“…Admiring your…”  

 

You’re a big boy, Anon.  You know how to bathe, dress yourself, and apply deodorant.  You can do this.

 

“Yes..?”

 

“Flank mark; that sun crest symbol!  The artwork on it is quite superb!  Who painted it on for you?“

 

Did she fall for it?

 

“Oh…”  She replied while sounding somewhat disappointed.  “Yes…  That is what we call a cutie mark.”

 

Awesome!  She totally bought it!

 

“A cutie mark?  Does it represent something?  Is there some kind of history or meaning behind it?”  You say while trying to steer the conversation in your favor.

 

Celestia then started backing away from you and her face was thankfully far away from yours.  She made her way back to her usual spot.  

 

“Yes.  It is a unique marking that represents the talent, profession, and even personality of an individual pony.  And it wasn’t painted on, it appears magically when either of these things have been met.”

 

“I see.  Interesting.”

 

The tension once again started clearing up once again when the waiter brought out another plate covered with a silver dome.   You swear, this waiter was a life saver when it came to awkward moments with her.

 

“Your dessert, Princess…”

 

Celestia claps her hooves in excitement as the dome comes off the plate and placed in front of her.

 

She wastes no time and starts levitating each piece of what appears to be a chunks of solid chocolate with blocks and cubes of pure sugar sticking out.  You watch in utter disbelief and horror as she chomps and bites each piece vigorously.   You just couldn’t turn away.  You cringe slightly as you hear each crunch and hear her…  Wait… Is…  Is she…  Moaning!?  

 

Jesus Christ riding a three-legged burro…  This shit is wrong.

 

“I’m so sorry that you were exposed to this, Anon.  You’ll get used to seeing that, trust me.”  The waiter says to you while noticing the look of terror on your face.

 

“I most seriously doubt that.”  You reply while not taking your eyes off her.  “What would happen if I just took the plate away from her?”

 

“You will suffer a wrath with the intensities that of a thousand exploding suns.”  He said while staring at the princess seemingly unfazed by this horrific sight.  

 

“I’m inclined to believe you.  I would hate to be her dietician or personal trainer.”

 

“Nopony would EVER want to be.  You’d be the first.”

 

She doesn’t seem to appear to notice your conversation between you and the waiter.  Or the world around her; she appeared to be lost in her own.

 

Thankfully, it doesn’t take long for her to wolf down her coma-inducing dessert.  If she wasn’t diabetic then, you were damn sure that she was now.

 

“Exquisite!”  Celestia says while wiping her mouth with a napkin ever-so gingerly as though that horrific sight never took place.  It’s like she never even knew what just happened.  “Now then, Anon.  I believe we are done here.  Shall we head out?”

 

“Yeah.  Sounds good.”

 

The both of you walk alongside each other as she escorts you back to your room and both of you stop in front of the door.  

 

“I do wish I could spend more time with you, but I have other things to tend to.  I’ll be sure to inform the Captain of your belongings and have them brought up.”  She says while facing you.

 

“Thank you.  I suppose our time together is over for now, huh?  Don’t worry about it, I understand.  I’ll keep myself busy with a bit of reading and learn a bit about your land and ways.  Plus I think I’m gonna go to bed right after.  I do have a bit of work with your scholars and historians tomorrow anyways.”

 

“Very well, then.  Rest well, Anon.”  She says as she turns around and walks away.

 

"You as well."  You reply.

 

You open your door and walk inside your luxurious room.  

 

But unbeknownst to you, Celestia stops and turns her gaze upon you.  A smile appeared on her face as she turned around and resumed walking to her bedroom.