Bags and Hoofers

>Okay!

>Today’s the day!

>You’ve got one objective:

>Seduce Twilight Sparkle.

>The purple unicorn has been on your mind ever since you arrived in Equestria.

>It’s taken you so long, but you’ve finally built up the courage to ask her on a date.

>You get up out of bed, full of energy and enthusiasm!

>You leap to your bathroom and start your morning routine!

>Shit, sha-

>*KNOCK* *KNOCK*

>What the...

>Already?

>But you haven’t even gotten a chance to have a shower yet!

>You put down your razor.

>It makes a whining noise as you put it down.

>It didn’t get to make sweet love to your facial follicles today.

“I know, Slasher. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of work to do tomorrow.”

>You stomp downstairs to see who it is that has interrupted your day.

>You fling the door open to reveal...

>3 guesses.

>...

>No, it’s not Cadence.

>Nor is it Twilight. That would make this too easy.

>...

>No, it’s not Doctor Whooves!

>It’s Fucking Fluttershy!

“What is it, you yellow wretch?”

>”Mmpf mmf!”

>Fluttershy is lying on your doorstep, gagged and bound in the most unusual fashion.

>Her legs have been tied underneath her, and she has a couple of plugs shoved into her mouth and...

>Yeah, her yellow butthole.

>You shudder at the sight.

>A note attached to her side catches your attention.

>Before you can read it, a white unicorn with squiggly purple hair waves to you from your front gate.

>”I hope you enjoy it, Anon! She had me make that for her especially. Ta-ta!” Rarity calls.

“N-no! Wait!”

>Dammit, she’s out of earshot.

>You need to talk to her today to get your new clothes...

>Damn.

>Now what does Flutternutter want with this note.

>You stare at the piece of paper with your bleary, sleepy eyes.

>”O-oh, Anon...” It begins.

>Great, she stutters in text as well.

>”I w-was wondering if using me like a bag was your fetish. You can pick me up by the plugs inside me. Feel free to stick whatever you want in m-m-my v-v-vagoo!”

>You crumple the note up in disdain.

>Upon closer inspection, the plugs inside Fluttershy seem to be connected by a strap of durable material.

>Just for the sake of it, you heft her up by the strap to get a feel of how heavy she is.

>”MMMMMPF!”

>The plugs tug and stretch Fluttershy out, but they hold.

>You look closer, and it seems like there is some kind of lock on each end.

>A timer indicates that Fluttershy is trapped in this state for the next 20 hours.

>Damn, she’s dedicated.

>She’s really quite light.

>You jiggle her by the strap, and she squeals in a mixture of delight and slight pain.

>Well, actually, this could be one of Flutters’ more useful attempts.

>You can’t exactly leave her alone today in this state.

>You pick her up and sling the strap over your shoulder.

>OBTAINED: FLUTTERMESSENGER BAG!

>What?

>Who the heck said that?

>Ugh. Whatever.

>You head back inside, but stop dead in your tracks when you see the clock on the wall.

>Shit! You’re late!

>All that messing about with Fluttershy has thrown you off schedule!

>You need to get into town, now!

>Still in your unwashed, unkempt, bearded state, you rush off down the road towards town.

>Fluttershy jostles alongside you, squeaking and squealing in ecstasy as each stride makes her squirm in delight.

>You take no notice though.

>You only have eyes for a purple unicorn today!

>You’re about halfway down the road when all of a sudden a blue blur swoops into your vision.

>”Hey, Anon! Whatcha doin’?”

“Hey... Dash... Can’t talk! Gotta go fast!”

>Dash simply flies alongside you effortlessly as you sprint towards Ponyville.

>”Yeah... Yeah... Cool. I love to go fast. You know me!”

>She takes a look at your Flutterbag.

>”Oh, hey! Awesome! That looks totally cool! Oh, wait... That’s actually Fluttershy? Oh my gosh, that’s even cooler! Hey, can I try?”

>Suddenly a weight on your back throws you off balance.

>OBTAINED: RAINBOW BAG!

“What? Hey! Get off!”

>”No! I’m in your inventory now, and it’s really cool! You’re really comfortable, you know!”

>Rainbow Dash has hooked her forelegs over your shoulders and her hind legs underneath them.

>Her blue belly rests against your back.

>Her head rests over one of your shoulders.

>She has made herself into some kind of fuzzy backpack.

>Her tail tickles your knees.

“Arrgh! I never asked for this!”

>You shake yourself to try and dislodge her.

>She holds on tight.

>”Haha! It takes a lot more to unequip me! You’re not getting rid of me that easy!”

>Great. Now you’re stuck with her.

>Well, just like Fluttershy, she’s not that heavy.

>Looks like you’re just going to have to deal with it.

“Fine. You can stay. But don’t bother me, ok?”

>”You got it, bro! Hey, where are we going, anyway? Into town? Oh, can we go see Pinkie?! I want to tell her all about how cool this is!”

>You groan.

>This is going to be a long day.

 

“I’m telling you, Rarity! It’s not going to fit!”

>”Darling, anything is possible with the power of love!”

“Well I don’t love it!”

>”You don’t love it ENOUGH, darling. Let’s try again!”

>You bend over once more, allowing Rarity access to your body.

>Her horn lights up and she works her magic.

>You grunt and wince and grit your teeth as your body contorts to her whims.

>Rainbow Dash giggles.

>Once again, you and Rarity sigh in defeat.

>”This would be a lot easier if Rainbow Dash just got out of the way...”

>”No! My human! You just want to take his back slot!”

“Seriously, Rainbow. Get off!”

>”No! She’ll take my comfy spot!”

>”Darling, I promise I won’t latch onto him like a limpet. It is unbecoming of a lady. Either way, I’d rather take the waist slot.”

>Rarity licks her lips in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.

>And that’s no gooooooooood.

>”F-fine. But put me back right away, Anon!”

>Rainbow’s death grip on your shoulders finally relents.

>She slumps to the ground, sulking the entire way down.

>”There! Now we can get your shirt on, Anon!”

>Finally!

“Right. Take it away, Rar!”

>Rarity’s horn lights up, and she floats over a piece of sky blue material.

>She stretches it over your head and your arms fit through the short sleeves on the side of the shirt.

>”There. Done! Doesn’t it look marvellous?”

>You turn around on the podium in Rarity’s boutique.

>Three mirrors all reflect a hideous image back at you.

>You’re now dressed in a tiny T-shirt that only comes down to the bottom of your ribcage.

>It’s way too small for you.

>Printed on the front is the picture of a pony that looks a lot like Rainbow Dash, albeit quite badly drawn and malformed.

>The text alongside it indicates that she, and by extension you, are 20% cooler.

>You’re stunned.

>”I saw how much the fillies and colts love Dash, and I just thought you’d be the talk of the town with this little number! It even shows off your midriff!”

>You turn once more to face Rarity.

>Your best WTF face is on full display.

>You’re about to tear the fashion disaster to shreds, but suddenly Rainbow Dash clings to your back once more.

>”MINE!”

“What, no! Get off! I need to burn this thing!”

>”No way! It’s super cool! I love it!”

>”Indeed, darling. I can assure you that it is fashionable and will be for the next 5 hours. So long as you wear it, you won’t have to pay me for it.”

>You groan.

“Can I at least get my jacket back?”

>”And cover up my hard work? I don’t think so.”

>You sigh.

“Fine. Let’s get going.”

>You step down to the podium and walk to the door.

>You pick up Fluttershy, who was hanging on a hook next to the door.

>She squeaks and drips a bit onto the floor.

>You look awful right now.

>Your stomach grumbles.

>”Oh, hey! Anon! That reminds me! We’ve gotta go see Pinkie! We’ve just gotta!”

>Normally you don’t wear apparel that talks to you.

>But it seems today is anything but normal.

“Fine. But I still need to go see Twilight!”

>”Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

>You carry the two pegasi towards Sugarcube Corner.

>As you cross the square that separates the boutique from the bakery, you’re stopped by a gaggle of odd looking ponies.

>You recognise these guys.

>They’re all wearing white unitards and chanting.

>You’ve come across them before.

>”The marker must be in my hole... The marker must be in my hole...”

>They’re some weird cult that has decided to start worshipping you.

>Rapeotologists or something.

>They want your marker.

>The marker is your penis.

“Fuck you, and fuck your marker!”

>”Yes, exactly...”

>All of a sudden, the ponies swarm your legs.

>Like a group of sex-crazed piranhas they nip and bite at your trousers.

>You flail your limbs to try and disrupt the constantly moving torrent of ponies that swirl around and through your legs.

>The ponies are too small, too numerous and too fast for you to land any blows, so you do the only other thing you can.

>You run.

>Rainbow Dash laughs as you lurch towards Sugarcube Corner.

>Eventually you escape the maelstrom of public >rape that was chasing you and barricade yourself in the bakery.

>You pant to get your breath back.

>”Ahahaha! You’re totally out of shape, Anon!”

“Fuck... You... Rainbow Dash...”

>You look down to see that the crazy ponies completely destroyed your trousers.

>You’ll need to get back to Rarity’s to get a new pair!

>But you can’t get there now. They’re still out there!

>Your pulse is starting to slow down, but is suddenly raised sky high by the sudden appearance of a pink puffball in your vision.

>”Ohayōgozaimasu, Anon-kun!”

>Holy fuck that scared the shit out of you.

>Pinkie Pie just popped up in front of you, wearing a kimono and brandishing a plate of something in your face.

>To be fair, you should have been expecting this.

>It’s Pinkie Pie, after all.

“Ohio gesundheit to you too, Pinkie-poon.”

>Pinkie giggles.

>”Silly Nonny! That’s not how you speak in Japaneighs!”

>Oh, she’s being Japanese today.

>That would explain the oriental decor that adorns every inch of Sugarcube Corner.

>Hanging lanterns...

>Suits of samurai armour...

>Slime orgy in the corner...

>It’s so authentic!

“Wow, Pinkie... You put a lot of effort into this. I guess you’re a big Japanophile, huh?”

>”I’ll have you know I was acquitted of all charges of that, and I regularly babysit the Cakes’ kids nowadays.”

“What?”

>”Oh, nothing. Hey, would you like to join in with the festivities?”

“Uh-“

>Before you really have a chance to answer, Pinkie Pie shoves some food in your mouth.

>Again, this is normal behaviour for Pinkie Pie.

>You bite into what seems to be a paste filled pastry.

>You immediately spit it out when you get to the filling.

>It’s grass flavoured.

“Blech! That’s awful, Pinkie! You know I can’t eat grass!”

>”Oh, sorry, Anon... I forgot. Hey, take these instead!”

>Pinkie pulls out a couple of wooden objects from... You know, you don’t even want to speculate where she pulled them out from.

>She hands them to you.

“What are these, Pinkie?”

>”They’re super cool thingies for your feet! I can’t remember what they’re called... But they’re all the rage right now!”

>You look at the wooden sandal-type objects.

>Oh yeah, you recognise these now.

>They’re old style japanese shoes.

>You’ve seen them in a couple of animes.

>What, you can’t enjoy some Samurai Champloo once in a while?

“Uh, thanks, Pinks. I’m not sure they’re really my style though...”

>”Wear them for me, Nonny?”

>Pinkie bats her eyelids and looks up at you with big puppy dog eyes.

>Don’t give in!

“Uh, I just don’t think...”

>”WEAR THEM!”

>Gone is the pleading look, instead replaced by an insistent frown.

>It’s much more convincing than her begging form.

>Talk about bipolar!

>You put the damn sandals on.

>They have a -1 AGI stat on them.

>Goddamn! How does anybody walk in these things?

>As soon as Pinkie sees you wobbling in the wooden footwear, her frown turns upside down.

>”Yay! Thank you, Nonny! As soon as ponies see you in that super cool getup, they’ll be flocking to the store to see where you got your gear from! I really appreciate it!”

“Uh... Anything to help a friend...?”

>Pinkie’s grin stretches from ear to ear.

>You’re not sure that’s supposed to be physically possible.

>Again, this is normal behaviour for Pinkie Pie.

>”That makes me so happy to hear, Nonny! Now you go have a really good day with your ponybags, ok?”

“Okay. Thanks, Pinkie.”

>You turn to leave, when Rainbow Dash finally faces Pinkie Pie.

>”Heya, Pinks!”

>”Oh my gosh! You got one of those talking Rainbow Dash bags! That’s so cool!”

>”I’m not a bag, Pinkie! It’s me, the real Rainbow Dash! I’m just equipped in Anon’s back slot!”

>And here comes the gushing.

>”Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshwhatdoesitfeellikeitmustbesocoolblahblahblah...”

>You tune the two rapidly talking ponies out.

>Now that you’re facing the door, you look out on the square.

>The rape cult has moved on for now; you can’t see them anywhere.

>Finally!

>You need to get moving now.

>Twilight’s housebrary is just on the other side of the fountain in the square!

>You need to cut Dash’s conversation short.

>”...and he’s so warm and comfortable! You’ve gotta try this some time!”

>”Oh wow! That sounds like so much fun! Have you let him use your special ability yet?”

>”No, not yet. I don’t think he even knows that he gets stat bonuses from me.”

“Sorry, ladies. Gotta go!”

>You fling open the door and take the opportunity to start running across the square.

>You manage to get a quarter of the way when the -1 AGI stat causes you to stumble and fall.

>Fluttershy slips off your shoulder and goes bouncing away, squeaking the entire time.

>Bugger.

>”Y’all alright, sugarcube?”

>You’d recognise that southern accent anywhere.

“I think so, AJ.”

>Applejack reaches out a hoof to help you get up.

>You accept her gracious offer.

>”Now where’re you goin’ in such a hurry?”

“Today’s the day I ask Twilight out on a date, you say proudly.”

>”Well golly! It’s about time! I know you’ve had yer eyes on her for a while now!”

>You bashfully rub the back of your neck.

“Heh, yeah... I do a pretty poor job of hiding it, don’t I?”

>”You can sure say that again! I’m surprised you haven’t had somepony’s eye out with that thing yet. Y’all are dangerous, walkin’ around at pony head height.”

>Okay, she may have a point.

>More than once you’ve gotten an eyeful of purple pony plot and have thought about rutting it 6 ways to Sunday.

>But you can’t help it!

>She must have put a spell on it, because damn...

>You’re bewitched.

>Thankfully the conversation is broken by your stomach growling again.

>This is what happens when you skip breakfast.

>”Don’t tell me y’all are goin’ around on an empty stomach, Anon?”

“I didn’t quite have a chance to have breakfast, so...”

>Applejack’s eyes sparkle with what could only be described as a mixture of opportunity, desire and excitement.

>”Well you stumbled in front of the right apple pony today, sugarcube! Let me fix ya right up!”

>Applejack kicks a hind leg out at the cart behind her.

>It unfolds automatically to reveal a veritable cornucopia of baked apple goods.

>”Now open wide, Anon! Ya gotta eat up everythin’ to grow big an’ strong!”

>Applejack advances on you menacingly with a slice of apple pie.

>You don’t know if you like where this is going...

 

>15 minutes later, you definitely didn’t like where that went.

>Applejack’s cart is devoid of all apples.

>”There y’go, Anon! Still feelin’ hungry?”

>You weren’t after the first slice of apple pie.

>But she just kept on cramming more and more apples down your throat.

>You told her you couldn’t eat all those apples.

>She took that as a challenge.

“Uuuugh... My stomach feels like it’s going to explode...”

>”Good! That’s a sign of a good home cooked apple meal. Mac eats twice that for his breakfast!”

>That’s because he’s a fucking horse, you stupid bint!

>You don’t say that out loud.

>You struggle to stand up.

>Your belly now hangs over your pants.

>You have a food baby.

>Rainbow Dash laughs.

>She always laughs.

>”Well, I’d better get goin’! Gotta go get more apples!”

>Applejack canters off into the distance, leaving you to deal with your distended belly.

>Rainbow Dash stops her mocking to whisper something into your ear.

>”You know her fetish is feeding, right?”

>Shit, that explains a lot.

>You’ve got to remember never to be hungry around her ever again.

>You set off at a sluggish pace towards Twilight’s library.

>You’re so close now.

>”Hey, brochacho! Whoa... That’s a mondo tubular look you got there!”

>Oh no.

>Not here.

>Not now.

>You wearily look to your right to see a cream fuzzball staring at you.

>”Hey, Anon! How’s it hanging?”

>Shit, what was this one’s name again?

>All these alpacas look the same!

>That’s not supposed to be racist, either.

“Uh... not so great...”

>”Cool. Awesome. Hey, I got that thing you requested!”

>Oh shit, now you remember.

>You ordered something special ages ago from one of these guys.

>Of all the days to finally get it done, they had to pick today.

>The alpaca starts to turn in place.

“N-no! Ricardo! Stop!”

>He stops dead in his tracks and cranes his neck to face you.

>”What’s up, bro?”

“Uh... Now’s not the best time. Maybe we could do this somewhere... not in public?”

>Rainbow Dash is peering over your shoulder with obvious intrigue.

>”No way! Cough it up, bro! I wanna see this!”

>”You got it, talking backpack!”

>The alpaca coughs into his hoof.

>He produces a mare fleshlight.

>It’s pink.

“Arrgh! Ricardo, no! I asked for a purple one!”

>”You... You got a replica of Twilight’s... BLEEEEEEEEEEEEGH!”

>Rainbow Dash throws up all over your head.

“Ah, shit! Dash! What the hell?”

>”That’s fucking disgusting, Anon! How could you... BLEEEEEEEEEGH!”

>Dash pukes again.

>It’s rainbow coloured.

“Ricardo, get rid of that thing!”

>”Oh, okay. I’ll just shove it in your bag for later.”

>Ricardo trots over to your Flutterbag and shoves the pink fleshlight into her vagina.

>It enters her effortlessly, since she’s so well lubricated.

>”There you go, man. Take care!”

>Ricardo wanders off.

>His fuzzy fringe causes him to trot straight into a lamppost.

>How do those creatures even function?!

>”Sorry about that, Anon...”

“It’s fine, Dash...”

>How are you going to clean yourself up?

>”Oh, hey, Anon! I have a great idea! Put down Fluttershy for a second!”

>You comply.

>Rainbow spreads her wings.

>ACTIVATING SPECIAL ABILITY: FLY

>Wut?

>Suddenly you take off like a rocket into the blue sky.

>You take this sudden turn of events like a real man.

>Kicking and screaming all the way like a little girl.

>Rainbow Dash takes you looping through the air, crashing through as many clouds as she can.

>You see her plan now.

>She’s trying to wash off her rainbow puke.

>After she smashes through about 10 clouds, knocking off a few pegasi along the way, she sets you down in front of the library again.

>”There you go, Anon! Good as new!”

>You take a look at your hair.

>It’s still rainbow coloured, but the stains are gone from your clothes.

>In fact, you’re mostly dry except for the parts that were covered by your limbs.

>So you’ve got two great big damp patches underneath your armpits.

>Wonderful.

>You look around for your Flutterbag.

>Ah, there she is.

>She’s squeaking and squealing as a stallion is sniffing her rear.

“Hey, go on! Get!”

>You shoo him away and heft Fluttershy onto your shoulder again.

>She sighs in relief as she relishes the security you give her.

>Right, well...

>It seems like it’s time.

>You’re going to ask Twilight Sparkle out on a date.

>Take a deep breath...

>You can do this.

>You knock on the library door.

>Twilight herself answers it.

“Uh... Hi Twilight, I...”

>”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!”

>She slams the door in your face.

>Well that went a lot worse than you anticipated.

>What the hell went wrong?

>You look at yourself.

>You’re wearing a Rainbow Dash shirt.

>A Rainbow Dash bag.

>A Fluttershy bag.

>No trousers, just boxers.

>Weeabooish footwear.

>Your hair has been dyed rainbow colours.

>You have a large belly and a neckbeard.

>You smell because you didn’t have a shower today.

>You have become that which you hate.

>A brony.

“NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

>All chances of winning Twilight Sparkle have disappeared.

>All that remains is to head back home.

>You load up your magical computer and head to /mlp/.

>You find a spaghetti thread.

>You descend into the deepest depths of faggotry to reflect your current look.

“omg gurlz just don’t appreciate nice guys, right /mlp/?”