Laughter Is The Best Medicine CH4

>The first thing that greets your vision when you awaken is Pinkie’s wide, apologetic grin.

>”So uh, you sure don’t like surprises!” She chuckles, a volcanic blush forming on her cheeks.

>You groan in frustration, pulling the sheets of the hospital bed up around your face.

“What part of you… thought that was a good idea?” you slowly mutter, too tired to explode at her.

>”I’ve never had a pony faint before! Not even when I throw my super special secret surprises!”

“Well, in future don’t scare me like that,” you grumble. “I… I don’t handle jump scares well, especially not after waking up in hospital with two broken legs and a mental crisis on my hands.”

>You sigh, before pulling the sheets back down and locking eyes with Pinkie’s friends.

“Well, I might as well introduce myself while you’re all here. No sense in being an asshole at this point.”

>”My word!” the pale white unicorn with a prominently extravagant mane exclaims. “How can you use such foul language willy-nilly?”

“Pleasure to meet you too.”

>The unicorn pauses for a second, before frowning.

>”I suppose it was rather rude not to formally introduce myself, but regardless, there’s no need to be a potty mouth.”

>You keep your mouth shut, starting arguments with a total stranger was not high on your priority list.

>”My name, by the way, is Rarity. I’m terribly sorry for the whole… er, problem.”

“Don’t be. Unless, of course, you were the one who put me at the top of that damned tree after whisking me away from my home.”

>”Of course I wasn’t! Twilight is usually the one who does silly experiments like that.”

>”Hey! I had a very sound, logical reason for putting that cockatrice in the canopy!” Twilight splutters.

“Cockatrice? Actually, I don’t even want to know what that is…” you sigh, before turning your attention to the remaining three ponies.

>You greet them all in turn; Applejack, who sported a striking southern accent and a Stetson hat to match: Rainbow Dash, who lived up to her name with her mane, and Fluttershy, who seemed to take particular interest in you.

>”Just what are you?” she coos gently, examining your crippled legs with pity and fascination.

“I’m a human. Ever seen anything like me around?”

>”Not at all!” she says, wide-eyed with delight. “Oh, I’m so happy to see that you’re ok! When we stumbled across you-“

>”Thanks to me, remember!” Pinkie chimes in, flashing you a grin.

>”Er, when Pinkie stumbled across you, I thought you might not make it. It’s so awful what happened, I—"

>She suddenly begins to tear up, sniffling at you.

“I, uh… Please don’t cry?”

>”Fluttershy! Why don’t you help Pinkie set up the party?” Twilight interjects, steering Fluttershy towards the party-preparing pink menace.

>”Don’t worry about Fluttershy getting emotional,” Twilight reassures you. “She’s like that with animals. Any sort of cut or bruise or devastating limb annihilation is enough to set her off.”

“Not living up to her name very well, is she? Then again, I suppose I am an animal she’s never seen before.”

>”Exactly! In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that moving you right now would cause excruciating pain, she’d probably take you back to her house and look after you herself!”

“That’s both extremely reassuring and utterly terrifying at the same time.”

>”So Anon, are you looking forward to your party?” Pinkie Pie asks enthusiastically, bounding over to you with a bunch of balloons held by her mouth.

“I guess so,” you admit. “I still don’t get why you’re being so friendly to a stranger from a different species though.”

>”Hah! You think I’d care what somep0ny looks like?”

“Well, I don’t really know much about you,” you mutter. “Come to think of it though, anyone as friendly as you wouldn’t stoop down to a petty prejudice like that.”

>”Exactly!” Pinkie exclaims. “It doesn’t matter who or what you are, I just want to be your friend!”

“Back in my world, people would think of you as creepy.”

>”Good thing we’re in Equestria then!” she giggles, happily setting up decorations around your bed.

“Good for you, maybe… Thanks though.”

>Her head swivels round and her eyes widen.

>”Thanks?”

“Uh, yeah. For the party, I guess.”

>The look of unmitigated delight on her face elicits a satisfied feeling of happiness within you, and you find yourself grinning as well.

>Within a few minutes, she’s finished setting up the rest of the decorations, turning the drab hospital ward into a comforting, almost homely domain.

>An array of delicious looking party snacks lie on a multitude of platters, and catchy tunes blare from a record player Pinkie wheeled in.

>Not the most exciting party you’d ever been a participant of, but it was a nice gesture of Pinkie to go to the effort of setting it up for you.

>You’d really have to make an effort to return that friendliness. Looks like her ploy to coax you into being friends with her was going to work…

>Settling back into your bed, you let the atmosphere of the afternoon wash over you, bringing peace to your mind.

>”So, whaddya think?” Pinkie asks, bouncing in rhythm to the music perfectly.

“It’s great Pinkie! Shame I can’t fully enjoy the music though.”

>”You know what you can enjoy? My double stuffed chocolate glazed triple iced doughnut supremes!”

“Your wha—“

>Your question is answered as Pinkie energetically crams a number of the baked goodies into your mouth.

>”Pinkie!” Redheart snaps. “I didn’t let you in here so you could choke Anonymous to death!”

>”He’s fine! Look at him, he’s smiling!”

>You were indeed smiling, but that’s because your mouth couldn’t physically alter its shape due to the amount of food shoved down your gullet.

>With help from the copious amounts of punch Pinkie Pie provided, you swallow the baked goodness down, your taste-buds rejoicing at something other than hospital food.

“As much as I object to being force-fed, that was great! Beats the hell out of hospital food,” you chuckle, flashing Redheart a grin. “No offence intended, of course.”

>”None taken,” she replies with a laugh. “We don’t make that stuff for you to enjoy it.”

“Then Pinkie’s baking is a sweet reprieve, in every sense of the word. Heh, I could do with a daily dose of her cooking…”

>”Really?” Pinkie asks, her eyes widening.

“Well uh, maybe every day would be a little overkill—“

>Pinkie ignores your second remark, instead opting to exclaim in excitement.

>”You bet your flank that I’ll do it! A cupcake a day keeps the doctor away!”

>”Well, seeing as I’m a nurse, that shouldn’t be a problem,” Redheart says, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

>It’s pretty clear that she disapproves of Pinkie’s presence here…

>Best not to challenge that though. No sense ruining the mood now.

>As the hour passes, Pinkie’s friends begin to make their excuses and leave.

>You felt that you’d got off to on a good footing with them all: none of them seem to be perturbed by you, and they were all relatively sympathetic over your slight leg problems.

>One by one they leave, until it’s just you, Pinkie Pie and Nurse Redheart left in the ward.

>After the hype of your reluctant agreement to let her visit you daily had died down, Pinkie had settled into telling terrible jokes to try and raise a smile from you.

>”Oooh, I’ve got it! Anon, what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?”

“Uugh… I don’t know Pinkie, what do you call a three legged donkey?”

>She slides over to a drum kit, giggling like a madman.

>”A wonky!” she cries, drumming out a rimshot to punctuate the awful joke.

“Wait, where the hell did that set of drums come from?”

>”I don’t know, but what do you call a fly without wings?”

“Dead.”

>”Close! It’s a walk!”

“How are they close in any way?”

>”I don’t want to explain the joke silly, because then it’s not funny anymore!”

“You’re implying it was funny in the first place.”

>”You’re implying it wasn’t!”

>You and Pinkie stare at each other for a silent second, before you both giggle.

“All right, you win this time. Unfortunately, I think its due time you left.”

>You jerk a thumb towards Nurse Redheart, who was quietly dozing in a plastic chair, a party hat perched precariously on her head.

“She didn’t seem too happy at your earlier presence, and if you’re still here when she wakes up…”

>”I understand,” Pinkie sighs with a twinge of disappointment. “Well, there’s always tomorrow, right?”

“Sure, Pinkie. Not like I can stop you from visiting anyway, can I?”

>”Nope!” Pinkie says, perking up. “What about the decorations? Want me to take them down, or—“

“Nah, leave them up. Much better than having some dreary, barren walls surround me anyway.”

>”That’s the spirit, Nonny! See ya tomorrow!”

>With blistering speed, she packs up her record player and drum kit, before scooting them out of the ward.

>Soon only silence remains, interrupted by the gentle snoring of your less-than-watchful nurse.

>With nothing better to do, you shift in the bed and prepare to drift off.

>A twitch from your guts catches your attention, and you suddenly realise something important.

>How the hell were you going to shit while immobile in bed?

>You try to ignore the commotion in your guts, but you soon realise it’s in vain.

“Uh, Redheart?”

>The pony continues to gently snooze, mumbling something about ghosts in her sleep.

“Redheart!”

>She snaps awake, looking round in confusion.

>”Huh? Oh, Anon! Is there something wrong?”

“Well, yeah…” you say with a grimace. “I, uh…”

>”Yes? There’s no need to be embarrassed about anything-“

“I need to shit really badly!” you blurt out, before cringing.

>Real smooth, asshole.

>Redheart blinks in surprise, before sighing.

>”I suppose this was inevitable.”

>She gets off her seat and approaches you, before digging something out from underneath the bed-sheets.

“Is that a bedpan?”

>”Correct.”

“Redheart, I… I can’t do my business like that!”

>”Unless you’ve got a better plan for relieving yourself, this will have to do.”

>Your cheeks turn bright red as Redheart lifts your gown up, slotting the bedpan underneath your ass.

>”Don’t worry about it, you’re not the first patient I’ve had to do this for, and I bet you won’t be the last.”

“How did my life come down to shitting in a pan while being watched by a talking horse?”

>”If you think this is bad, you don’t want to know what we’re doing for your urine.”

“Catheters?” you groan, your dick muscles clenching in fear.

>”Catheters,” Redheart confirms with a nod of the head.

>You process the information for a second, before leaning back into the bed and cursing.

>”Now that you mention it, I should add them now before you need to relieve yourself. This’ll only take a second…”

 

(Pinkie’s POV)

>You happily bounced along the street, headed home for Sugarcube Corner.

>Finally, Anon was warming up to you! This was going to be so great! You’d always wanted a big hairless monkey thing as a friend… wait, was it a giant hairless monkey or a spider pony friend?

>Ah, what does it matter? You’d made another friend, and—

>Your ear suddenly twitches as a bloodcurdling scream reaches you, emanating from Ponyville hospital.

>Sounds like it belonged to Anon!

>You almost turn back and head to the hospital, but your Pinkie sense tells you that everything is okay.

>They wouldn’t do anything horrible up there, like shove tubes up his willy! Hospitals are for helping ponies, not hurting them.

>You put the moment out of your mind and continue skipping on home, already planning for the visit tomorrow.

>How nice of Anon to let you visit every day! You could just tell that the two of you were going to become super duper friends!

>And if you were going to become super duper friends, then you’d have to make every visit extra special!