NBG-I

>You've finally given up

>You're accepting that your life sucks

>You didn't have money for college

>You needed to get a job and save up money

>The economy is shit and unemployment is soaring

>The only place that would hire you was a farm miles away from the city

>That's why you're screwed out on this long empty road

>There's nowhere to take cover as the engulfing flame approaches

>You wouldn't get to live to say you lived through the first nuking of America

>You wouldn't get to make funny but inappropriate puns about it

>But worst of all, you wouldn't get to kill zombies created by the fallout

>All those hours spent reading your zombie survival guide

>All those hours spent slicing watermelons with that katana you bought off eBay

>All a waste

>You would have wrecked that shit

>And in your last moments you make a declaration that all Americans will hold to

"Fucking China. I always knew it was going to be fucking ChinaaaaAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

>You scream at the top of your lungs as everything becomes intensely white

>Then black

>It's over

 

>It's all over

>All the important things you've done and... actually you've never done anything important, but that's besi- wait? You see a another white light in the distance

>Then an incredible pressure

>And everything goes blindingly white

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

>You start screaming again

>Is this the afterlife? Continually dying in a nuclear explosion? Pain for the rest of eternity? What have you done to de-

>"Congratulations! You've given birth to a handsome young colt! And with quite healthy lungs I might add."

>You stop screaming

>Congratu- given birth- colt? Wait... wait... wait... WHAT??

>The whiteness slowly starts to dissipate

>Your eyes begin to adjust

>Colors explode everywhere

>Everything is crisp, so clear

>This must be heaven! It's all so beautiful you could-

>*WHACK*

>OW! WHAT THE F-

>*WHACK*

"Aaaaaahhhhh!!"

>"There are those healthy lungs!"

>There's that voice again

>You focus through the tears and try to locate the voice

>You make out a large tannish shape

>It almost looks like... a pony?

>The figure smiles down at you

>"Well hello there little one. Sorry about all that. Had to make sure we got your lungs all nice and open."

 

>Holy crap it is a pony

>A talking pony

>Like a My Little Pony

>You're in Equestria

>Or you got salmonella from handling those chickens and you are seriously trippin' balls

>Or maybe this IS the afterlife

>Or... wait just a minute. Does salmonella get you high?

>As you ponder these things, you're unaware of being carried over to another pony lying in a bed

>"And here is your mommy"

>Mommy?

>"Oh... he's so adorable and handsome"

>Wait... that one pony said something about giving birth...

>"Just like his father, huh?"

>And... that bright spot of light in the darkness

>"Of course sweetie. Of course."

>Were you just... Did you...

>"But we're calling him Ace after my brother."

>You were just born.

>Well, reborn

>"I think that's a swell name honey-buns."

>And your "parents" are apparently mushy-gushy lovers

>As if you didn't get enough of that crap from your real parents

>Well, your first real parents

>Damn this is confusing

>"Does sum widdle pony wan sum miwk? Himz must be firsty after awa dat yewwing."

>Oh great. You're going to be baby-talked as well. This sure is going to be- WAIT ARE THOSE BOOBS?

>You latch on to a nipple as fast as you can

>"Boy! Look at those instincts! He knows what he wants."

>Heh. Instincts. Sure.

>"Except... he seems to be doing a lot more licking than sucking..."

>Damn it dad. Can't you go give out cigars or something?

>"Oh don't worry honey. He'll get the hang of it."

>Heh. Sure thing momma pony. But I think I might be a slooooooooowwww learner.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Story Break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

>"Ace! Come down for breakfast!"

>You shift in your covers a bit

>Breakfast later. Sleep now.

>*Clop, clop, clop*

>Uh-oh, here she comes...

>"Ace! Get out of bed. You don't want to miss your first day of school do you?"

>You poke your head out from under the covers

"Well actually..."

>"Downstairs. Now."

"Yes mom..."

>"Say it like you mean it."

>You sigh

>"What was that?"

"Why of course mom, I'm gonna go right downstairs and enjoy your wonderful meal."

>"Right after you brush your teeth."

"Yes mom, how silly of me to forget."

>"Mhm."

>She turns and walks out of your room

>You toss your blankets on the floor

>You'll do that later

>"And fix your bed!"

>You'll do that now

>You throw some magic around the blanket and sheets, moving them off the bed and tucking them in

>You were a unicorn, just like your parents

>Black fur, red mane and tail

 

>No not really

>You were green with orange hair

>Kind of bland actually

>Your dad's special talent was weather manipulation

>Your mom special talent was growing plants and flowers

>Which led to you living on a farm

>Fucking irony

>At least this one won't blow up

>You hope

>After your teeth are nice and clean you head to the kitchen

>Dad is sitting there reading the paper

>"Hey there kiddo! Ready for your first day?"

"Yeah dad. Can't wait."

>"That's good to hear. I'm sure you'll make lots of friends being the little smartypants you are."

>You weren't really that smart

>At least not by the adult terms you used to be on

>But if you were to be graded on your childhood, you would be an A+++ student

>You heard your parents mention the age at which foals begin to speak, and waited close to that time

>It actually took a while after that time before you could speak

>You hadn't realized talking with a muzzle would be so difficult

>There was also the issue of the breastfeeding

>All that licking led to your parents thinking you didn't know what to do, so they put you on a bottle instead

>Ya dun goofed

 

>After breakfast you grab the saddlebags mom packed for you

>"Have a good time son. Don't kiss too many fillies."

>"For Celestia's sake honey! Don't listen to your father dear. Do you need me to go with you?"

"No thanks, I've got it mom."

>"That's my son! A fearless leader, just like his pop."

"Of course dad."

>You quickly head out the door to avoid anymore family time

>You're greeted by a beautiful summer day

>The crops are almost fully grown, which means corn stalks as far as the eye can see

>No, really. The corn is tall. You can't see farther than 5 paces along the width of the road

>Welcome to Oatlahoma

>At least, that's what you think all of Oatlahoma is like

>You've never actually left the general area of home

>There were all the neighbors on their own farms, but most of them were older ponies

>The only time you saw a pony even close to your age was when one of the other families' grandkids visited

>You're actually pretty excited about to school now that you think about it

 

>About a half-hour's trot later, Marelow comes into sight

>Upon getting closer, you notice most of the buildings are brick, with the rest being wooden

>And that wood being painted. Why did you notice that? Because the farm ponies never paint anything. Lazy hillbillies

>Passing through town, you eventually come upon the school

"Wow... that's a big building."

>At least, the biggest you've ever seen in Equestria

>"You've never seen the school before? Did you just move here?"

>Turning around, you take notice of the white mare standing behind you

"Ummm... I... I live outside of town on a farm"

>"Oh! You must be Ace then."

>You nod your head in reply

>"Well then, come inside and pick your seat. We'll be starting class soon."

>You follow the mare into the building, and to your classroom

>There are several fillies and colts already in there

>You take a desk in the middle

>Not up front like the nerds, and not in back like the kids who eat paste

>After the last few children arrive and the remaining seats are filled, the teacher calls you all to attention

>"Hello my students, and welcome to kindergarten!"

 

>"My name is Black Clouds, but you can call me Mrs. Black."

>Black? But she's... white... You really hope somepony bitch-hoofed her parents for that one

>"And in case you were wondering, my parents were colorblind."

>Oh...

>"Just kidding! Trying to ease the tension and all."

>"But... teacher... I'm colorblind..."

>Hehehe, nice one teach

>"Er... Well, uh... what a wonderful idea! Let's all say our names and tell something about ourselves."

>"I'll even start. My name is Mrs. Black, and I'm a teacher. Now it's somepony elses' turn!"

>May as well get this over with

"My name is Ace, and I live outside of town on a farm."

>"Very nice to meet you Ace! That's very interesting! Who would like to go next?

>That sounded so fake it hurt

>The rest of the students speak and tell their names and things about themselves

>Some are actually pretty cool

>Most are stupid

>Yes, you are an earth pony

>Whoop-de-do

>At last, we finally get down to the one shy kid that doesn't voluntarily talk, and ends up being last

>She's a filly

>Nerdy glasses, ponytail

>Heh, ponytail...

>"Let's see... has everypony gone yet? What about you? The filly in the back."

>'Ummm... m-my name is... um... Midnight Siren..."

>"And what's something about you Midnight."

>"I, um... I... I like to make up songs..."

>"That's very interesting!"

>You'd hate to see how she'd react to something NOT interesting

>"Alright now class, today we're going to start learning to count to 10! Doesn't that sound fun?"

>Oh here we go..

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Story Break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

>"Hello my students, and welcome to the middle school!"

>Somehow, Mrs. Black got transferred up a few grades

>"My name is Black Clouds, but you can call me Mrs. Black."

>"And in case you were wondering, my parents were colorblind."

>Never change Mrs. Black. Never change

>"But teacher... I'm colorblind."

>"Iris? I... I thought you moved."

>"We moved back when my dad died..."

>"Oh... well... that's very interesting!"

>Oh boy, here we go again

>"Let's all say our names and..."

 

>The school year goes on just like the past several

>You continue flying under the radar, just waiting until you become an adult

>Also, you kind of need the schooling

>You never paid attention the first time around

>And what little you did learn seems to have been lost from neglect

>You spent most of your time trying to avoid appearing too smart

>Don't wanna be picked on by the bullies

>Like that one poor nerd over there getting a noogie

>Of course, there's always that-

>"Pssst."

>-one pony who-

>"Psssssssssst, Ace."

>-who going to-

>"PSSSSSSST!"

>to be-OHDAMNIT

>You look at the pony a couple seats ahead of you

"What do you want Blitz??"

>"Aw c'mon Acey, that's no way to treat your old pal Blitz."

>No, the way to treat you would be with fire and gasoline

>"So Mr. Magic, got a date for Hearts and Hooves day yet? Oh that's right, nopony wants to go with someone that' so horny."

>Shortly after starting school, you soon realized that earth ponies were the dominant race in this hick town

>Other than Mrs. Black that is

>But you're pretty sure she was kicked out of whatever town she previously lived in

>You had a few good friends at least

>In fact one of them has-

>"Are you gonna try and cast a love spell? Haha! That's the only way you would ever get a mare."

"How about I put a curse on you instead?"

>"Oh yeah? Well how about I-'

>"Good morning class!"

>Saved by the dumbbell

>"Sorry I'm late. I was at the office because we have a new student transferring in."

>A violet filly walks in

>Wait, wait, no

>A violet UNICORN walks in

 

>"Class, this is Shining Amethyst. She comes from Applewood."

>"Applewood? Isn't that were they make the Daring Do movies?"

>"Yes. My mom is an actor in movies, and my dad does commercials."

>Oh gosh her voice is beautiful

>This is it

>She's the one

>And she will be yours

>"Why don't you take a seat Amethyst."

>There's only one empty desk in the class

>Right by yours

>It was Midnight's until she left for some unknown reason

>This is happening

>She begins walking your way

>Oh gosh, what should you say?

>Should you speak at all?

>What about...

>YES

>Yes there's no way it can fail

>Look right into her eyes

"Hey-"

>"Here! Take my seat. I wanted to move back anyway."

>What

>NO

>"Oh, well thank you."

>What just happened

>She sits down as another pony moves to the seat next you

>This isn't happening

>"Hey Mr. Horny, now we can be best buds."

>This just happened

 

>You begin contemplating once you get home

>So what if she isn't sitting next to you

>You can still woo her

"She's going to be mine."

>But now you're going to have to come up with a reason to start a conversation

>You'll have to be smooth

>You'll have to be subtle

>But most of all, you'll have to be alpha

>Hearts and Hooves is in two days

>You can do this

>Eventually you find yourself in your dad's closet

"Let's see... cologne, yes. Mane gel, yes. Ball gag... wait... what? OH FFFFFFF-WHY??"

>"Ace? Is something wrong?"

>OF COURSE SOMETHING IS WRONG YOU DIRTY WHO-

"No mom, I just uh... it's nothing."

>"Alright honey, dinner will be ready soon."

"Kay mom."

>Back to the search

>There's not much else in here

>Wait, what's that box?

>You open it up and find...

>You just found the holy grail

>Amethyst will be yours

>It is unavoidable

 

>Tomorrow comes too slow

>But it finally comes

>You are ready

>You are the boss

>You are alpha

>Here you go

>The door flies open as you walk in, strutting your stuff for all it's worth

>The eyes of the entire class are upon you

>Including those of Amethyst

>You lock her in a fierce gaze

>Your eyes tell her everything

>She is yours

>And there's not squatfuck she can do about it

>You begin your walk towards her, with that sexy Han Solo half-smile

>She just stares back at you

>She seems stunned

>Not surprising

>You're a whole lotta stallion

>Technically a colt still, but whatever

>This is it

>It's time to deliver the hookline

>There's no escape

"Hey baby, have you seen any-"

>*Thwump*

>Ow

>Damned pony legs

 

>Mrs. Black looks over at you with a bored expression

>"Are you alright Ace? Didn't hurt yourself did you?"

>Only your pride

>Stand back up

>Try again

"Hey ba-"

>"Is that a fedora he's wearing? What a loser! He's trying to hit on you with a fedora!"

>Blitz you retard

>Fedoras are cool

>You turn back to Amethyst

>Only to see she's laughing hysterically

>The rest of the class is as well

>Your heart sinks

>Then it gets eaten by a sea monster

>Which then explodes

>You turn to Mrs. Black, looking for help

>She's trying to suppress laughing as we-

>Nope

>There she goes

>"And I thought I was terrible at romance!"

>Oh...

>That's it

>You can die now

>Just spray the cologne in your mouth until the poison kills you

>"Haha! Look at his cutie-mark!"

>You pause

>What?

>What did you possibly do that...

>It's a plate

>A plate full of spaghetti

>This...

>Didn't just happen

>But it did

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Story Break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

>"Does your breakfast platter come with eggs? I don't see them on the menu."

>You look at the mare disdainfully

"Miss, this is a family-friendly dining establishment. Not a drughouse. If you need your fix, you'll have to get it elsewhere."

>"But... I just wanted..."

>The mare looks at you with the most confused face before getting up and leaving

>You just can't escape the druggies

>Even in Equestria

>She left her newspaper

>You give the front page a glance

>*Blitz Krieg up for sportspony of the year. Set to break the record for-*

>Damn it Blitz

>That muscle-headed jerk had gone on to be a professional sports star

>Money, mares, he had it all

>You on the other hand...

>You had decided to roll with the whole spaghetti thing

>Cutie-mark destiny and all that crap

>Your parents were very supportive of you and your "talent" as they thought it was

>Dad even talked to one his buddies in town and helped you buy one of the buildings that had been abandoned

>In time, and after some major renovation, it became a restaurant

>Your restaurant

>According to the sign on the front, it was known as "Ace's Place"

>With a fedora over the A

>It was a fedora got your cutie-mark

>You know fedoras are cool, and you won't give up until everypony else knows it as well

 

>The establishment is doing alright

>But you live in a small town

>A very small town

>And not many ponies care for a fine dining experience

>Damned Hillbillies

>Or would it be hillfillies?

>whatever

>Better take care of that new customer

>Hope this one isn't looking for gateway drugs too

"Hello miss, how many will you be dining with tonight?"

>"Just the one, Ace."

"Alright miss, if you'll come right thi-"

"What? How do you know my..."

>Wait

"I'm sorry, I... what was your name?"

>"I go by Eclipse."

"E-E-Eclipse..?"

>Eclipse?

>ECLIPSE???

>The famous singer from Applewood?

>The one that did all the music for those movies Shining Amethyst was in?

>You really shouldn't be watching those just to see her

>But why would anypony like her come to a place like yours? In a town like this?

>Well... at least revenue will increase when word of her eating here got out

>But... how does she know you?

>And...

>"Yes, but..."

>But?

>"My... actual name is Midnight Siren."

 

>Midnight Siren?

>Didn't you know a...

>"I believe we were friends... back in school."

>What

>But

>Huh

"You... You mean the nerdy filly that I was always paired with in projects?"

>"Yes. Because I always told the teachers we wanted to work together."

"You did..? But... why?"

>"Because... I always had a sort of... crush... on you..."

"Oh, well... wait, what?"

>"I always thought you were cute. The dorky, country unicorn that was always trying to be cool."

>Dorky? "Trying" to be cool?

>Miss has insulted mine honor

"Hey, I was cool!"

>"Of course you were. At least... to me."

>She gives you a look

>The kind of look that... Well, you don't really know

>A female has never given you that look

 

>Maybe she just...

>"I came here for... more than just food."

"You're visiting your family as well?"

>"I actually came to visit a friend."

>She isn't talking about you is she?

>So what if she had a crush on you in were you were kids

>She's rich and famous now

>Why would she come all the way here to-

>"A friend that owns a restaurant."

>There are other restaurants in town

>It could be any of-

>Oh just fuck it

"Are you referring to me?"

>She leans in close with that same look in her eyes

>"I don't know cutey. Am I?"

>What

"Excuse me for a second."

>"Oh, well, what for?"

"I just need to check something real quick."

>*THWACK*

>OW

"OW!"

>But seriously, ow

"Yep. Not dreaming."

>"Ummm... anyway... would you possibly like to... go out tonight? If you aren't too busy that is."

"I don't know... I have to run this place and..."

>You look back at the restaurant

>Not a customer in sight

"And I would to."

 

>You remember that night fondly

>You made some bad jokes

>She pretended they were funny and laughed

>Or maybe she really was laughing

>At how bad your jokes were

>But she always made you feel... "cool"

>But maybe that's just because you were with her

>She has that... She's just...

>Well what you're trying to say is...

"I do."

>"And do you, Midnight Siren, take Ace to be your lawfully wedded husband, until death do you part?"

>"I do."

>"Then by the power invested in me, I declare pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss-"

>You don't let him finish before embracing Midnight into a long passionate kiss

>You've seen enough weddings to know how this works

>You look into her eyes

"What now?"

>"Well first..."

>She knocks your fedora off

"Hey!"

>"Fedoras aren't cool."

"What? Fedoras are awe-"

>She shuts you up with another kiss

>"And now... comes the fun part"

"Oh..."

>Yes

>Oh

>You can give up fedoras for "oh"