BALLAD OF THE PLANETEERS: A CAPTAIN PLANET TALE

                            BALLAD OF THE PLANETEERS: A CAPTAIN PLANET TALE

Detroit, a perfect city containing everything you could ever ask for, hookers, bricks, pizza, bricks, robo-shamins, bricks, fondue machines, rectangular blocks formed from clay that are typically used in building construction, cops, and bricks. It was a peaceful August when suddenly a rock smacked a child right dab on the nipple. Who threw the rock was none other than Vermonous Scum, the rat-looking whore is a try-hard, a single mother and entrepreneur. He began to bring upon chaos, in the form of bleeding, bruised, rotten, smelly, salty, tangy nipples. When suddenly 3/5 of the Planeteers arrived to save the day! They all got off the Moped they probably stole, using Kwame’s keen knowledge of the subject, and formed a line in a Power Rangers like fashion.

“Stop right there, you cock-gobbling, fuckerfaced Manturtle!” yelled Wheeler.

“YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! STOP IT!” screamed Gi from the top of her lungs like a lunatic with that has their dick caught in a fan.

Wheeler whipped out a 9mm gun that reeked of dead fish and blood, (a.k.a. Kwame’s basement). Wheeler was just about to fire when suddenly Kwame grabbed his arm, with a look on his face as if he was about to commence an ungreased, backdoor, lovemaking session with Wheeler.

“That is not how we do things here”, Kwame said in a calm voice. Kwame look straight into Wheeler’s eyes, staring into his soul. Wheeler wanted to let go, but Kwame had an iron grip, probably due to his childhood of being in the army and working in a blood diamond kiosk outside of Taco bell. Besides, Wheeler’s mind said “Run” but his heart and body said “Stay”. Vermonous Scum ruined this ungodly moment by throwing a rock straight to them, but Kwame used his laser eyes to destroy the rock, along with Vermonous Scum’s dreams and aspirations.

As Vermonous Scum was contemplating about his fuckshit life, Gi took this window of opportunity to kick him behind the knee, making him fall down into a puddle of feces and Gatorade. The police arrived and picked him up, only to give him 5 dollars, telling him to “buy himself something nice and pretty”. As he ran off to Abercrombie and Fitch to get that dress he’s had his eyes on for the middle school prom, the gang were high fiving.

“WE REALLY SHOWED HIM!”, yelled Gi at the top of her lungs either to mock Vermonous, or to somehow get a green card so that she would not be mocked every time she tried to sell her parents at the “World famous” Gold and silver pawnshop.

“Wheeler,” Said Kwame,” we don’t use guns, you know that.”

“B-b-but...” Kwame put his finger on Wheeler’s lips, making its way into wheeler’s mouth. As Kwame felt Wheeler’s tongue press against his finger, Kwame moaning in estrus, Gi yelled, “WEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRE ARE THE REST OF THE GANG?!?!?!”

Kwame yanked out his finger quickly and replied, “Yeah, um, Linka, last I heard, was doing something in Vegas, and Ma-Ti, I’m not sure.”

 

“Was?” Wheeler replied.

“Yeah, she left, but we are not sure where.”

“Let’s first head to Vegas, maybe there is a clue to Linka’s and Ma-Ti’s whereabouts”, Said Wheeler.

“Yeah! Let’s take that perfectly unguarded Ford Sedan!” Replied Kwame, anxious to steal another item.

“No Kwame, we are ready have the Moped.” Wheeler, Kwame, and Gi turned around only to see a gang of homeless men raping a child, use the muffler of said Moped as a fleshlight. Taking no second to think, Kwame was token over by his instinct and hotwired the Ford Sedan. “LET ME DRIIIIIIIIIIIVE!” Yelled Gi as if she had a vibrator with a knife taped to it jammed into her womb.

“God no, you’ll kill us all!” Exclaimed Wheeler as he jumped into the driver’s seat. “Vegas here we come!”

A few days later, the three Planeteers are in Utah, eating tacos discussing their game plan. “So, um, *chew* when we reach Vegas, where do we begin?” Said Wheeler, chewing on his “El Locos Doritos mocos munko chunko silky hunko burrito” (You know, the one they discontinued because people started using it as a sex object during rape, before they started using vehicle mufflers).

“The Santiago Hotel and casino.” replied Kwame as he licked up some spilt sauce off his nipple.

“I HUNGER FOR A SPICY PUNGER!” screamed Gi as if she was being face-fucked by Octimus Prime whom has barbed wire wrapped around his robo-dong.

Wheeler, wanting to shut the bitch up, dipped a napkin in hot sauce and shoved it down her throat. They were eating their food when suddenly a shady looking man walked into the Taco Bell where they were at. He was wearing a trench coat, fedora, Nike sneakers, a “Support cancer research” wristband, and a “Fuck Cancer Research! Let them die!” tattoo on his forehead next to the swastika tattoo. He sat to the back of the restaurant and began to seductively eat his food while staring at Gi.

“WHOOOOOOSE DAT FUCTARD?!?!” Yell Gi like a Manturtle being boiled in hand sanitizer.

The man began to open his coat to reveal a Nation Rife Association t-shirt covered in Mitt Romey 2012 buttons. He stroked his nipples with a slight pinched then yelled “Damn, you the hottest Chink I’ve seen all day!” to Gi.

Kwame, jealous and in-heat from what just happened, walk up to the man to punch him....or something. “Listen here you, Goddamn Manturtle looking son of a bitch, leave my friend alone or else I will block out the sun and release a fury upon you.”

“If that’s how it’s going to be…” muttered the shady man as he put on his Klan hood. Then the battle commenced.

 Since the incident in Detroit, Kwame was low in HP. Naturally, being a black mage; he didn’t know any healing spells. The Shady man used the move DOUBLE PUNCH. It hit three times. It wasn’t every effective, but it wasn’t weak either. Kwame used his side of French fries to recover 5 HP, but it wasn’t much. Kwame wanted to use the move FLY, but they were indoors. So, he used to ring to be able to use the move ROCK SLIDE. It landed a critical hit, so Kwame and the 1940’s detective looking guy were even regarding HP. Kwame looked at his friends, who were ignoring the whole battle that was basically destroying the Taco Bell. Wheeler didn’t give two shits about defending Gi’s honor, and Gi actually would have given the Shady Man a rimjob if Kwame hadn’t intervene. Kwame sighed and looked through his inventory to see if he had something that would give him an advantage. To his luck, there was a potion that would boost his MANA bar, making his next attack more effective, but in would end his turn if he used it, giving his opponent a window of opportunity to rape and kill him (not particularly in that order).  Kwame did the smart thing and used the move EARTHQUAKE. It was not super effective, but defeated the Shady Man. As the Taco Bell collapsed killing just about everyone inside, Kwame grabbed his defeated opponent by the throat.

“Who send you?!?!?” Kwame yelled.

“C-C-Captain Pollution sends his regards” the man ripped open his pants, giving Kwame a big eye-full of his five inch well shaved penis, and something that may or may not be 4 pounds of C4 wired to a detonator in the man’s hand. Suddenly, the man somehow exploded, knocking Kwame across the ruins of the Taco Bell. Kwame looked amongst the rubble to see Gi and Wheeler limping from the wreckage.

“Damn! To think, if we were background characters, we might have just died back there!” Wheeler proclaimed while supporting Gi’s bruised leg, and also cupping a feel for her breasts.

“I KNOW, RIGHT!?!?!?!” yelled Gi like a sane person crying in pain due to having to watch more than 2 seconds of Jersey Shore.

“Looks like we are walking to Vegas” Kwame said.

“Last one to Vegas is a rotten egg!” Wheeler yelled as he threw Gi on the ground and began running into the sunset. Kwame chuckled then accepted this challenge, summoning the Usain Bolt within himself, and with a little voice in the back of his head saying “Run like that one time you stole money from that cracka-ass white man”.

Kwame eventually reached the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign, with Wheeler huffing and puffing, running right behind him.

“I win!” Kwame proclaimed with the most stupid shit eating grin on his face, (the kind that just makes you want to punch him in fucking nose for no reason). Wheeler just shook his head, trying to catch his breath.

“Le-l-lets go get some water then decide what to do next.”

Later at a cheap IHOP, the two were eating pancakes and eggs, even though it was about six in the afternoon.

“So, um, like, ugh, hmmm, where do we begin?” Kwame said with his face stuffed with napkins.

“This is Linka’s last tweet she made on her twitter account” Wheeler showed Kwame the tweet.

                         Having soo much fun! XDXDXDXDXD ;D

                          at the CALLAMOS HOTEL AND CASINO

                          #vegas #manturtle #bestnightever #cockmongler

“The Callamos Hotel n’ Casino, that’s where we will go first.” As they were leaving the IHOP, (knowing Kwame, he probably didn’t pay) a car pulled up, and Gi stepped out angry like hell. The car drove away and Gi waddled right up to Wheeler, breathing into his face.  “Yo-your breathe reeks of semen.” Muttered Wheeler, scared like hell.

“HITCH HIKING ISN’T FREE, ASSHOLES.” Gi yelled with the force of a thousand angry ManTurtles. Instead of beating the shit out of them, she curled up into a ball and went to sleep, in the middle of an IHOP parking lot. So, Wheeler scooped her up into his big, strong, pasty white arms.

 

The Two Planeteers walked pass all the hookers, drug dealers, gangsters, and ManTurtles as they made their way into the Callamos Hotel and Casino. Wheeler, still carrying Gi like a baby stood by as Kwame checked in. They went up to their room, each doing their own thing. Kwame went straight for the shitter; and Wheeler laid Gi on the one and only bed in the room.

Once Kwame finished his loaf pinching adventure, he crawled into bed with Wheeler and Gi after a political pillow fight and a slight nipple clamp busting foreplay, they all drifted into unconsciousness. Gi was having a dream/fantasy about Al Qaedirection. Wheeler was spooning with the Planeteer of dark skin’s right thigh when suddenly he began to have a soul binding dream.

He was standing in a dark, lonesome field. The ground was lined with maxi pads (fresh ones), and the air was distorted, carrying the scent of Manturtle Spaghetti. There were no other people, much less any minorities. The ground ripped open and there arisen Shrek, in all of his glory, holding a frozen, dead child.  “WHAT THE FRENCH FRUIT LOOPS?!?!” screamed Wheeler, pointing at the kidsicle.” This wee laddy froze to death,” Shrek looks up into his eyes, “He shoulda wore layers.” As they laughed hysterically, he threw the corpse onto the ground, and then they proceeded to twerk right above it. As Wheeler was about to reach a twerkgasm, Shrek grabbed his shoulder. “ Listen Wheela, a great apocalypse is at hand. When the eclipse has broken, the earthian savior must beckon his heart to the grand aura, and the Devine ones shall show the way.” Everything began to fade to black in a poorly written fashion. Wheeler awoken coved in sweat, and loads of junk funk. Unsure of whose man yogurt it was, he scooped some up and tasted it. The taste of rancid swamp water and onions filled his face hole. ‘It’s a sign that Shrek was here!’ Wheeler thought to himself. He contemplated his surroundings. In the corner was Kwame covered in bicycles which he defiantly didn’t steal (sarcasm). “Wake up you drunken manturtle!’’ Wheeler yelled as he threw a small fetus at Kwame. Kwame caught the unwanted bastard in his mouth like a popcorn kernel, engorging the unborn flavors and absorbing its strength. He arisen from his bike pile and finished his can of ice tea and bag of Skattles. “Man, I need to stop hanging out with Trayvon.” Kwame groaned. “You know Trayvon, doing weed during the day,” replied Wheeler, “and shots at night.”

      Kwame looked around the room and noticed that Gi was gone. “Hey, where is the bamboo coon?’’ Kwame asked. The douche bag duo walked out to the balcony, were a laptop with a green question mark on the screen was. Kwame pressed a key when a video began playing. It showed Gi, tied to a chair, blindfolded. She had no visible bruises or marks, but it was clear that the blindfold was stained with tears. “Named after a letter, with slanted eyes, Find me now or else she dies.” A voice in the background said. “Don’t worry if you land with a thump, sometimes you’ve just got to jump!” The computer exploded into spaghetti, which caught the two off guard.  As Wheeler healed his intense, horrid, gruesome wounds, he looked over the balcony to see a big, green question mark, with the dot replaced with a target. Having nothing to lose Wheeler stood on the balcony ledge, preparing his body for this leap of faith. He jumped. Seconds turned to minutes. He realized what would happen if he failed. Could the rest of the Planeteers fulfill the prophesy? No, Wheeler didn’t tell anyone about his dream. What would happen to Shrek, Gi, and the rest of gang?

     Time began to speed up, and Wheeler hit the target straight on. Instead of dying, he went straight through the ground into a giant, sewer like area. He whipped out his phone and called the nigger. “Dude, what the fuck? How are you alive?” Kwame said. “I am in some kind of tunnel. Call the police and have them send some units into here. Now get yo chocolate ass down here now.” Wheeler ordered. In no time at all, Kwame jumped into the hole followed by 50 SWAT personnel. Suddenly the tunnel was lit up by lights hanging from the ceiling.  The SWAT team led the way, holding their rifles. The sides of the walls opened, and giant rotating pillars covered with dragon dildos began attacking the men, kind of like those things in a carwash. There were many casualties. At this point, there were 30 men left. The tunnel stopped at a staircase.  The personnel began rushing down when a strategically placed banana peel claimed five more lives. The stairs lead into an empty room. The 25 guys kept alert, holding their guns up, securing the area. Suddenly an armadillo fell from the ceiling with a spoon and VHS copy of Bill Cosby’s “Ghost Dad” as weapons. After a tough fight, there were 10 men left.

     At the end of the room, there was a door. The remaining SWAT team members bust through the door, only to find boxes upon boxes of doughnuts on the left side of the room, and a note on the right side of the room. The team split in half, inspecting each side, with the two Planeteers on the right side. Suddenly, a glass wall came down, separating the room and the team in half. The note read “If they do not eat all the doughnuts, both sides of the room will be filled with gas.” The men had no choice, eat the pastries or die. In no time they shoved their fat fuck faces with food. The team on the left turned into giant round balls. Suddenly, the floor opened into another tunnel, one that goes downhill at a steep pace. The fatfuckers began rolling, and the following events were just like that one scene in the first Indiana Jones movie. The team from the right side where running like hell, trying not to die. Ahead, they could see that the tunnel was beginning to end at a pool of lava. In a split second, they jumped to the side and allowed the hamplanets to burn in the lava. At this point, only five men are left with the two Planeteers. As the last American ball burned in the lake of purity, a bridge suspended from the ceiling lowed, allowing access across the lake.

       At the end of the bridge, another room awaited. In this room there where two pills on top of a table, one red and one blue. “Take any one you want, but choose wisely.” A voice said from thin air. After much hesitation, two brave officers consumed the pills. The man that took the red pill dropped to the ground, awake but unable to move, only talk. Clearly the pill was some sort of tranquillizer. The other cop grew a huge throbbing, veiny, hairy, sticky, moist, hard, and smelly erection. It appears that the blue pill was a Viagra. “You must rape the guy on the floor, or else everyone will die!” exclaimed the voice. It was an intense moment. It was literally a fuck or die moment. “J-j-just do it.” muttered the paralyzed man. The heavily erect man was in awe, “Dude! T-this isn’t right.” He said. “And letting everyone else in this room die is right? Just get it over with.” He replied. “B-but” muttered Hard-on Harry. “No butts, except mine.” He replied. Just as the officer began getting a rhythm, a bunch of chemical gases sprayed his face, making him thrust at mach three speeds, barely feeling fatigued. A door opened, allowing the rest of the horrified group to leave the two poor souls together.

         Wheeler felt like a rat in a maze, unsure of what is going to happen next. However, he was determined. He nimbly dodged every trap and plot hole in this story. The three remaining officers were even more terrified, because they knew they were next in line for a soul-shattering bizarre trap. The canals of the sewer were becoming more and more twisted as the brave men pushed forward. Just around the corner was an Asian woman. Wheeler squealed and ran up to the woman, thinking it was Gi. However, he saw that she was wearing short shorts, a tank top, and long fish nets on her legs. This was not Gi at all, just some prostitute. “FIVE BUCKS, SUCKY SUCKY.” exclaimed the hooker. He knew it was nothing less than a trap, so he backed away carefully. One officer was seduced by the hooker’s sophistication and good looks. He quickly ordered her services, and then they began the transaction immediately… in front of everyone. “ME ROVE YOU RONG TIEM” she exclaimed during the colitis.

 Much to everyone’s surprise….A GIANT TENTACLE CAME OUT OF THE VAGINA and choked the poor horny bastard to death. More and more tentacles emerged from her vagoo and began snapping at the cops. They use their batons to beat the octopussy appendages, but it was no use, they were only growing stronger. The hooker’s body began to mutilate and turn into a giant potato made of flesh. Soon, the vaginal entrance turn into a mouth and her clit grew into a giant, red eye ball. The Dickcheese Duo knew what exactly to do. Kwame ran up and grabbed all the tentacles at the base, straddling them all. Wheeler jumped onto Kwame’s back, and then jumped up to the clit-eye. He delivered one heavy punch making it exploded into cumfetti. The cops were dead, for it was destiny. This was the battle for Wheeler and Kwame to fight, not stupid law enforcement people.

  Having dealt with enough of this shit, Kwame kicked down the next door. “Oh sweet merciful god.” He muttered. Clearly, this was a sight not meant for human eyes. Wheeler followed Kwame’s example and threw up 5 gallons of murky black liquid. TOO BE CONTINUED!