The Crossest Man in Equestria

>you are Stargaze, a small, perhaps slightly shy earth pony. You’re also a newly appointed member of Celestia’s Royal Council.

>Right now, you really wish you weren’t.

>The five-strong council, fresh from some reshuffles, had attempted to push through some new policies.

>The new head of Security, Red Rock, had tried to toughen up after the recent “incidents”

>Copporbottom subsequently needed to find new funds, and now debts were soaring.

>You, having replaced the retiring Public Relations Minister, tried to keep the ordinary folk happy with your new “Trust in Us” campaign, but someponies said some very mean things about you instead.

>It’s not your fault. Public speaking is hard! And calling your posters “intimidating” and “embarrassing?” That’s a contradiction! Honestly.

>As a result, the princess’s approval rating was down to a historic low of 95%.

>Which almost certainly meant that, as punishment, she would not be attending this month’s meeting. Instead, she would be sending...”Anon”.

>The Monster of Canterlot.

>You trot down the corridors with the other council members. The mood is sour, and you are mostly silent. Then, the treasurer speaks.

>”She’ll have sent the human.” moans Copper Bottom. “She always sends him when we make a mess of things.” There was a collective murmur of agreement.

>“He’s going to eat one of us.” Says Seabreeze. “ I’m not joking, I literally think he’s going to just take a bite out of whoever’s closest to him. Which will probably be…well, you, Olive.”

>“He’s a human, not a shark. He talks big, but he’d never harm anypony. Not if he wants to stay in Celestia’s good books.”

>“How did he get so close anyway?” asks Copper. He meets her once and suddenly he’s stomping around like he’s the Monkey King of Canterlot. It’s” he looks around just in case, and then lowers his voice “…it’s bucking outrageous!” You wince at the profanity. Bad language just seems so unnecessary to you.

>“I hear he was summoned by a wizard. From Tartarus.” Says Seabreeze. “He’s bound to the Princess, like a familiar.”

>“I can certainly believe that” mutters Copper Bottom. You know that he has a particularly strong dislike of Anon, which was saying a lot. Nopony seemed to like Anon. Nopony except the Princess.

>You have only met him once, when he told you of your appointment. He didn’t seem so bad, although he did say the f-word. Maybe they’re just jealous because the Princess likes him!

>You arrive at the entrance to the Council Chamber. It’s eerily quiet. It’s clear that nopony really wants to open the door. Eventually, Olive uses her magic to force the door open.

>You bite your lip and pray that it will be Celestia waiting behind the doors. But if it had been, there would have been a gentle light flowing from the council room.

>The room is lit, but faintly, and by torchlight. The curtain has been drawn over the window. You have to strain your eyes slightly as you look at the table that sits in the centre.

>Sitting at the far end of the table, you see a slender figure in a black suit.  You can’t see his face well, but you’re sure that you can see his teeth. Is he smiling? Maybe he’s not so bad-

“Get your arses in here and sit the fuck down, you useless pack of shites”

>Oh.

>No one knows where he came from, or how he came to Equestria. All that was known was that he had originally settled in Manehattan, and that his…”straight-talking”, as he princess called it, had impressed Celestia enough to earn him a place as a close personal advisor.

>A popular story was that he had refused to bow to her when a whole city had. Instead of being insulted, she had admired his guts. How that had led to his current unofficial position at her side was anyone’s guess.

Others, like Seabreeze, had more sinister theories. Perhaps he really was from Tartarus-no one had ever admitted to seeing him eat a meal, or even sleep.

>The truth was that no one knew.  Anon was a complete mystery; a terrifying source of nature, ready to go through ponies like a hot knife through butter, regardless of their rank.

>Each of you sit down at your respective seats. If the atmosphere was “down” before, it’s now positively subterranean.

>Anon stands up. He has editions of the day’s papers tucked under his arm.

>You’ve never seen him up close before. He was surprisingly tall, easily towering over the council even when sitting down. His…hands, are splayed out on the desk, with the digits arched. You want to study his face, but you’d rather not get his attention while he’s upset.

“Remember last month, guys? Remember when you all came up to me like wee kids trying to impress a teacher? Full of ideas about “toughening up” and “improving the public confidence” and shite like that? Do you remember me saying “Oh aye, that sounds great, go ahead”?

>No one answers. Most ponies are fixing their gaze downwards, or towards the torches. Anywhere that wasn’t Anon. You swear that can feel his stare drilling through the side of your head. He goes on speaking.

“No, you don’t remember me saying that. Because I didn’t fucking say that. Cause wee kids usually have shite ideas like building a time machine out of their own snot. What I said was “Calm down right now, and let’s make a plan”. Or words to that effect. I might have used some “bad language””.”

>He uses his fingers to make sarcastic quotation marks here, which you think was a little unnecessary.

>He begins to walk around the table, towards Olive. Of all the council members, she appears to be the most level headed. She only looks slightly nervous today, probably as she had the least to do with the “Trust in Us” initiative.

>Anon paces right past her without a glance, and stops when he is between her and Seabreeze before turning to the group.

“So…what the fuck happened?! How did you manage to make such a fucking mess of things? You-Red Whatever your name is.”

>He points at the crimson unicorn seated beside you, who stands to awkward attention.

“Please, tell just what the fuck what wrong.”

As a one time protégée of Shining Armor, you know that Red Rock must be tough. But like you, he’s new to this. Hearing so much swearing at once was simply an alien experience to the vast majority of ponies, especially in Canterlot, and the big stallion seems unsure how to respond.

“Well, er, sir, I thought that…well, sir-“ Anon cuts him off.

“Oh for-stop calling me “sir” for fuck sake, I’m not a sergeant. It’s just “Anon”.  Or “stud” if you want to get in my pants, ya big poof”.

“Yes sir. I mean, uh…yes, Anon. I don’t want to…” He’s cut off again.

“It’s a joke. I want to know why you turned into Big fucking Brother for a month. I couldn’t take a piss without seeing one of those bloody posters of you”.

>You blush slightly. Perhaps you did overdo it with the posters…

>RedRock struggles on against the building storm that has now occupied the room.

>“I thought that if we made ourselves look , er, strong and secure, then outside forces would be less likely to attack. Sir. Anon.”  Anon raises his eyebrows.

“Oh aye? Did you send a bunch of posters to the changeling hives? Sometimes tells me they don’t really give a shit about posters”.

>“It was more than posters, Anon. We had more ponies on the streets, with better armour and-“

“Aye I fucking seen that, General Bigbaws! You were marching up and down the street like a wind up toy with a stick up its arse! I understand that you’re new, and that you want to wave your dick about and impress the other guys. But you should give the impression of restrained strength, not recreate the march on fucking Stalliongrad.”

>Anon is racing around the table now. His tail would be up if he had one. He held the paper he was holding and shoved it in the stallion’s face.

“Look at this. Fears as new Captain of the Guard buffs security. What is Celestia afraid of? Another attack imminent?” Does this sound secure to you, oh captain my captain?”

>Redrock shrinks away, visibly embarrassed. Tough or not, he’d never faced anything like this. You don’t train for something like this in bootcamp.

“And you! Copperarse Shitforbrains.”

>The earth pony visibly flinches.

“Why the fuck did you not see this was a crap idea? Do you just give all your mates the Princess’s money?”

>Copper has taken a heavy interest in the markings on the table, which somehow makes Anon even angrier. He marches towards the earth pony, and as he passes you, you see his teeth are bared like an animals.

“Don’t you fucking ignore me, you big fat fucking…I will tear the ears off that big head of yours if you’re not using them! Prick!” Spittle sprays from the human as he tears into the Royal Council’s treasurer. You can see him tensing up, holding back any replies he may be thinking of.

>Anon swings around madly, looking for eye contact. Your gaze locks with his.

>Oh, poop

>“Stargaze, sweetheart.” He sounds almost tender. He did single you out for this job.  He seemed nice then.

>“You made those posters? Gave it a name, what was it…”Trust in us?”? I’ve got to be honest love, I need to ask you a question, please-do you have special needs? Cause for fuck sake that was just embarrassing. You’re like a fascist Marry Poppins.  I genuinely think you are a little retarded now. That means dumb by the way, I know you must struggle a bit with bigger words.”

> You want to respond, but when he’s in your face, looming over you, with his eyes popping out of his skull, you can’t think straight. It’s humiliating and terrifying all at once.

 >“’m sorry” You finally squeak out, trying desperately to placate him. Instead he leans in closer.

“You’re what?”

>“I Said I’m sorry! I’m sorry…” This does not improve matters. Anon advances, his voice descending to a menacing whisper.

“Oh well that’s ok then. You’ve completely fucking failed at the job that the princess gave you, which as I’m sure you’re aware, means the job that I gave you, and that if it wasn’t for me, you’d be a fucking no one, painting pictures of stars on a hill or whatever the fuck that tattoo on your arse is meant to convey…”Sorry”? You think that’s good enough?”

>You start to shake. You can feel your eyes start to sting. Thankfully, he turns away, if only to redirect his fury at the room in general rather than you specifically.

“I’d love to sit and just bollock you all individually for the next hour, but I’m running a bit short on time on account of this mess, so I’ll sum it up: Fucking get it together, or I will personally guarantee you never hold a position more powerful than a janitor. Understood? Great.”

”Seabreeze, I want perfect skies to make the ordinary folk a bit happier, real oil-painting stuff. Olive, find out anything that makes the Griffon Kingdome look like even bigger pricks than we look right now. As long as it gets Captain Marvel here off the front pages.”

>Anon shoots a glare at the Captain, Not knowing what else to do, he falls back on the tried and tested “salute and shut up”

“You just take it easy and get the Grande Armee off the streets, before ponies start thinking we’re about to start World War fucking Three”.

 >“Sir?”

“You know what I mean!”

>He marches towards the door. The end is in site.

“The rest of you, try not to be such gigantic fucking failures! Especially you, Stargaze. Try not to betray my confidence in you.”

>With that, he turns the handle, and disappears into the corridor.

>There is a pause, as every pony present takes inventory. You collapse onto the table, feeling like you’ve ran a marathon. Copper lays a hood on your shoulders, as Olive politely clears her throat.

>“Well, all things considered,  I think he took that all rather-“

>Anon pops his head back in

“Are you all waiting for a personal invitation? GET OUT AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS”.

>He slams the door, and this time, he’s gone.

>You bust into tears, burying your head into Copper’s shoulders. He tries his best to soothe you.

>“There, there Stargaze, it’s alright…er…I quite liked the posters myself. Although they were rather a lot of them-“

>“This has gone far enough!” Says Seabreeze, wings ruffing indignantly. “I’ll let the Princess know that as long as that…madthing is attending meetings, then I won’t be.”

>Rocky is still madly saluting the door.

>Olive stands up.

>”Seabreeze is right. He might have the Princess’s eye, but a mass resignation would send a message. We’ll force Celestia’s hoof.”

There is a general agreement. With newfound backbone, the Royal Council files out of the chamber. You sit at the table for a while, alone in your world.