The Crossest Man in Equestria 6

 

“A fucking barn? Fucking hick fucks, can’t even find a clean place to throw a fucking party…”

>”That’s what they told me.” you say.

“Aye I bet they did. This is going to be some Deliverance, Wicker Man shit.”

>”Why are we coming again? Couldn’t you just wait until later?”

“Listen, love, I’m doing things that you will not fully comprehend until you’re a fucking pensioner. Trust me, this is the best play.”

>He still doesn’t look happy as you draw near to the Applejack barn.

>It looks deserted.

“Definitely here, right?” asks Anon.

>You’re still pretty certain they said the barn by the farm. But…”

>”Let’s just…let’s just see. They must be waiting for us.”

>Crickets chirp as you approach.

>You can hear your own breath. Your own heart…

>You knock.

>Somewhere, you hear the sound of a muffled giggle.

>You turn around to Anon. He heard it too. He rolls his eyes, but nods. There’s a protocol to follow for these kinds of things.

>Very gently, you open the barn door, and walk in.

>”SURPRISE!”

>You try to look surprised.

>”Oh, thank you so much!” You say. And you do mean it.

>It’s a lot of ponies, squeezed into a relatively small space. You spot Pinkie immediately, and she bounces over.

>”Gotcha!” She says.

>“Haha, yeah, you had me going there!”

>”Sorry it’s way over here at AJ’s, but the Cakes want a little quiet time and-hey, why’s it gotten quiet again? The surprise is over, let’s party already!”

>You knew why.

>Anon stands up straight by the open barn door, arms crossed, glaring at the crowd.

>They stare back.

>You see Twilight Sparkle by the punchbowl, open-mouthed.

>For a split-second, everypony present thinks about his or her next move.

>Anon thinks fastest.

>Somehow, he’s found a pair of sunglasses and a party hat

“Did someone say…Party?!”

>He poses.

>”Oh, oh! I did! Party party party party!” says Pinkie

>Right on cue, the music comes on, and the crowd cheers.

>It’s that easy. The crowd simply accepts that yes, Anon is in fact here to party.

>You see him swagger into the crowd, gangly arms aloft, laughing and talking.

>”Psst! Stargaze!” hisses a voice.

>Twilight has found you.

>”What is going on? I thought you said you’d get rid of him!”

>”I said I’d think about it. And I did! But, well…”

>”Well?”

>There’s a lot you want to say to her, about Anon, and why you’re here, and what you want.

>”No deal.”

>”Are you insane? You must know what he’s like. Unless…”

>She looks thoughtfully at you. You avert your eyes.

>”Stargaze. Anon, is he-“

“A beast in the sack? Only one way to find out”

>Anon materializes behind Twilight, drink in hand. His tie is gone.

”Twilight, love, long time no see. Never took you for a party person, are you doing a paper on it?”

>”Er, hi Anon.” Says Twilight.

“Oh, don’t be so shy. Come on, let’s hit the floor, you and me!”

>”Eh? Why would you want to-“

“Stargaze! Remember, no drinking!” >says Anon, before taking a drink.

“Now Twilight, much to talk about…”

>He leads his victim away, offering her a drink, and you lose track of the conversation.

>You try to enjoy yourself as the night goes on. You talk to some of the locals.

>Mostly you keep an eye on Anon, who is in a constant state of motion, talking to ponies and then leading them off places.

>He largely keeps away from you, which is fine.

>Eventually, you see a familiar earth mare talking to Time Turner, who looks a little down.

>”I’ll sort that human right out, don’t you worry! Boom, pow, right in the kisser!” says Mayor Mare.

>She mimes a punch, and falls over.

>Oh no, her too? Hasn’t she got better things to do?

>She must have came in late; there’s no way you and Anon could have missed her.

>And yet she looks completely out of it.

>You rush over and help her up. She grins vaguely in your direction.

>”Mayor Mare, could I just…”

>You manoeuvre her to an island of relative privacy.

 >”Aren’t you supposed to be…doing Mayory stuff, I guess?”

>”Why, dear, this is Mayor stuff. I’m *hic” engaging with my fellow townsponies.”

>She carefully high-fives a passing Pegasus, as if to illustrate her point.

>”I can see that, but…well, you seem a little…”

>”*hic*Yesh?”

>”You’re drunk, Mayor.”

>She smiles sheepishly.

>”Good thing, too! This election stuff…it takes a toll, Starface”

>”Stargaze”

>”Right, right. It takes a heavy toll. And hey, I’m still young! I’m “down with it”, as the foals say! You know, when I was your age…”

>At this point, the music changes. It’s “Mares Just Wanna Have Fun”.

>You used to like this song when you were in college

>The Mayor’s face lights up.

>”Yes! Come on, Starfish, dance with me!”

>Before you can protest, you’re dragged back into the crowd.

>You catch glimpses of ponies from before, all seemingly having a good time.

>Anon is now talking to Rainbow Dash, who looks in even worse shape than the Mayor.

>He spots you, and raises his glass, smiling.

>Then he sees the Mayor.

>Oh, crap.

>He drops Rainbow Dash on top of the nearest pony, and starts to push his way toward you.

>”…Wanna have fun..wanna have fun…” sings the Mayor, oblivious and happy.

>You just hold onto her, waiting.

>Then feel Anon pulling her out of your grasp.

“Come see the fruits of my labour” he says.

Then he swivels, and walks back into the fray.

>You follow him, moving through his wake.

>Eventually, you see what he’s been working on tonight.

>In the corner of the barn lay Twilight and her four friends.

>And they are completely shit-faced.

>“Oh, that’s so true, Rainbow! It’s completely unfair…oh, hello again, Anon!” says Rarity, waving a spare hoof at the newcomers.

 “I do apologize for my absence, but I’d like to just bring my…good, personal friend Mayor Mare into this little soiree.” says Anon, shoving the Mayor forward.

>”Friend? Oh...yyyyess, we are friends aren’t we? We’re all friends really. Friends are so lovely!” Says the Mayor.

>Everyone laughs. Even Twilight looks happy. She’s wearing Anon’s tie.

>What on earth where they drinking?

“A.J, tell her that story about your cousin. You need to hear this.”

>”Well, o.k, one more time. Well, you know my cousin Braeburn? Well one time, he was up visiting…”

>As Applejack tells her story, Anon gently slides away from the group, pulling you with him.

”Thank you for keeping an eye on her. Good thing I’ve not seen any cameras here, otherwise I would have had to kill everyone here.”

>”Uh, you’re welcome.”

“Glad you didn’t get shit-faced either. Very professional and meant you could deal with the Mayor.”

>” Was this your plan all along? To get them shi...poop-faced?”

“Seems to have worked. A bit of drink, some shit jokes, maybe the odd “heartfelt” apology, and hey fucking presto, everybody’s friends again.”

>He grins triumphantly, and presses his face close to yours.

“Well, that’s what you wanted to see, right? Me making friends…”

>…

>Oh, shit.

>You feel sweat trickle down your face. He knows. He must know. How could you have thought he wouldn’t know why you were really here?

>Anon leans in closer. He’s barely audible.

“I’m good at making friends. The right sort of friends, for the right occasion, for the right length of time. I just hope, when the times comes…you’ll be a good friend to me.”

>He pins you to the floor with his stare, still smiling. Behind him, the little “soiree” explodes into laughter.

>He turns back to them.

“Ahaha! I just hope it wasn’t permanent. Hey, we should meet up again. Twilight, are you free tomorrow?”

>As he makes his plans, you stand apart, and listen to the crowd sing along to the music.

>Towards the back, you see a shy looking Pegasus, eying the human.

>She catches you looking at her, and retreats. You lose track of her before you can approach her.

>She didn’t look happy at Anon.

>You suddenly don’t feel like partying anymore.

>As you leave, a small, stocky unicorn bustles over to you.

>”Hey, you. You’re with the Mayor’s group, yeah?” he asks.

>You tell him that yes, you are. He gives you a card.

>”Come see us tomorrow.”

>You don’t read the card until you’re back in bed.

>It’s an address, written in gold. The other side has a slogan on it.

>“Vote for Rich”