Title:           The Crossest Man in Equestria 5 (Part i)
Author:          Buckett
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/sLvZpSre
First Edit:      Sunday 1st of September 2013 07:02:42 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 1st of September 2013 07:02:42 PM CDT

>You are still Stargaze, former member of the Royal Council.
>Now an errand runner for Anon the human, a.k.a Scary McDeath, who is helping Mayor Mare win her re-election campaign in Ponyville.
>Oh, and Princess Celestia wants you to turn him into something halfway decent.
>It’s been a weird couple of days.
>And right now things are getting even worse
>Anon wanted you to go talk to the most influential ponies on town, to try and set up some early alliances.
>The good news was that you found almost all of them at once, in a library that was also a tree.
>The bad news...
>”I can’t believe he’s here! Urgh, this is terrible.” said Twilight Sparkle.
>As it turns out, the personal protégé to the Princess had already met Anon.
>This was, obviously, a bad thing.
>But you had to try.
>”He’s…changed! Really! Please, he’s just…we’re just doing our jobs. We need you. The Mayor needs you. Please..?”
>You turn your pleas to the other ponies in the room; famous Fashionista Rarity, the unmistakable Rainbow Dash, and their friend Applejack.
>”Well, I’ve never had the pleasure of his company, but Twilight does make him sound a little…uncouth” says Rarity.
“>Yeah, and he sounds like a jerk!” adds Rainbow Dash. “No way are we helping that guy.”
>”I heard he called Twi some mighty nasty names. Threatened her too. How can anypony work for somepony like that?” says Applejack, shaking her head.
>You try to think of a cunning argument to change their minds.
>”Pleeeeeeease?”
>There’s a mass shaking of heads.
>“Look, we’d gladly help the Mayor with her campaign.” says Twilight. “She’s a great leader, even if she can be a little…frazzled, sometimes.”
>Success!
>”But Anon is bad news. He would only make things worse and make everypony in town feel bad.
>Oh
>”Get rid of Anon, and then we’ll help you. How does that sound?”
>They all smile and nod. It must seem like such a no-brainer to them.
“>Uh…well…”
>”Oh, come on! What is there to think about here?” asks the pegasus.
>Twilight puts a friendly hoof over your shoulder.
>”Tell you what. Go and think about it, and tell us tonight at the party. OK?”
>”Party? What party?”
>“Well, Pinkie Pie wants to throw a welcoming party for you. And it’s not like Anon would ever show up for it. We can talk about it then.”
>”Oh…well, to be honest, I think Anon wants me to do some work at the office tonight. Sorry.”
>They stare at you. Rainbow Dash hovers nervously.
>”Uh…you really don’t wanna skip out on this. Anon not coming is bad enough, but if neither of you two show, she’d flip out.”
>They nod solemnly.
>”Flip out?”
>”Trust us on this one.”
>”’sides, you can’t just let that big human boss you round like that. Stand up for yourself a little.” says Applejack.
>You think it over.
>“Well…I’ll…try?”
>They accept this, and you part ways.
>Ok, so that didn’t go quite as you planned
>In fact it went the exact opposite; instead of helping Anon, you might have just kind of made things harder for him.
>As you walk back to the Mayor’s office, you realize what must be done.
>You must convince Anon…to go to a party.
>Celestia help you.
>You enter the Town Hall. The old receptionist is still there. He is asleep.
>There is a note taped to his face. You peel it off.
“We’re sleeping here. Top floor, second door. I’m across from you. Come see me. Anon.”
>You were hoping for a house, or at least a proper hotel. Oh well.
>When you find his room, you knock. He tells you to come in.
>It’s surprisingly roomy, at least to you. It doesn’t seem to have been fitted for a human though.
>Anon is still fully dressed. There’s a cold cup of coffee by his bedside.
“Welcome back to Fawlty Towers, Manuel. What have you got for me? Did you find them ok?”
>Well, time to somehow get the world’s grumpiest sentient being to go to a party with ponies who hate him.
>This is going to be a little tricky. It would be easier to drink a rock though a straw.
>”…I talked to them, yes.”
>Well, most of them. You couldn’t even find a mail building.
“And?”
>How to put this.
>“Well…Twilight Sparkle was a little apprehensive.”
“Aye, I thought that. I met her a couple times, the stuck up cow. I’m amazed she’s living here in Pleasantville instead of in a castle made of fucking books and ivory.”
>He rolls his eyes.
”I take it the others weren’t exactly on board with me either?”
>”No. I’m sorry, I did the best I could-“
“I know. I was prepared for this.”
>”Really?”
>You don’t like the way he’s smiling. He waggles his eyebrows knowingly.
 “Remember that pink spastic thing that was talking about parties? See, turns out she’s got something of a reputation for parties. And she just so happens to be friends with the others on that list I gave you…”
>You can’t believe this.
>”So…are you saying we should…”
“Aye. We’re going. It’s the perfect cover.”
>Praise the sun
>”Wow, that’s a great idea!” you say. “When are we going?”
”Later. It’s still early. Fashionably late, and all that shite. Oh, and one rule: No drinking. I need you sober for this.”
>Awww
>”I understand”
“Good girl. In the meantime…”
>He hands you what some would call a buttload of papers.
“Read these. Then read them again. I’ll be quizzing you later.”
>You leave, enter your own room, lie down on your bed, and start to read.
>It’s mostly profiles on high-profile figures, adorned with the strange, unreadable scribbles Anon had penciled in. He must have been doing some research while you were out.
>Mayor Mare, Filthy Rich, Twilight Sparkle…so much to learn…
>You read it all.
>The sun starts to set. You think about tonight.
>Anon is planning something. He’s not told you what, but you know it.
>Twilight wants you to help her. What will she do when she sees Anon tonight?
>What will you do?
>There is a knock on the door.
“Wakey wakey. Time to party.”
>You open the door. Anon is, to your amazement, dressed in a slightly different looking suit; grey instead of black.
>He poses, arms stretched.
“Taa daa.”
>It raises a smile.
>”Shall we?”
>You leave the Town hall.