The Crossest Man in Equestria 2

>You are still Stargaze

>And right now you’re standing right in front of Princess Celestia

>It’s pretty scary

>Your fellow members of the Royal Council are lined up beside you

>United in a single purpose: Getting rid of Anon.

>You had to be dragged along, mainly out of fear as to what Anon would do if, or when, he found out.

>You just wanted to make cool plans to help out other ponies. You hate this kind of political stuff. But on the other hand, if it meant no more Anon screaming abuse at you…

>So far, results have been mixed

>”I can’t simply “fire” him, you understand. He holds no official position. I offered him a title, but he refused. He is simply a very trusted assistant of mine”

>This is the Princess speaking. She sits on her throne, looking down on you and the others. You don’t think she’s really on board with this.

>”Then…ban him or something. Order him not to interfere with the governing of the city. You’re the Princess, you can do such things I presume?” says Copperbottom, the Royal Treasurer. He’s perhaps pushing the hardest out of all the Council members, although so far ineffectually.

>”I don’t like taking such draconian methods. Anon takes great pride in his free will. It’s a human thing, he tells me.” replies the Princess, with calm authority. “Besides, he’s proven himself to be a very capable aide.”

“He’s got a filthier mouth than any pony I’ve ever seen. I’ve not even heard of most of the words he’s using.” Says Seabreeze

“Do you know what a…”poof” is? He mentioned it last time and I’m still a little confused” asks Rocky, the new Security Counsellor. No one answers him.

>“Has my Council grown so soft that they cannot deal with coarse language? I for one admire his creative language. He expressed himself very well, don’t you think?” Celestia is practically smiling as she says this.

>”He threatened to tear my ears off!”

 >”And since your meeting, I notice that the approval ratings are back up to their average mark of 100%. Perhaps he should threaten you more often.”

>Your ears twitch a little. You swear you can hear someone shouting in the distance…

>Olive Branch takes a tiny step forward, and raises her head.

>“Princess Celestia, The fact of the matter is that neither I, nor the other Councillors, will return to our posts as long as Anon is in a position to threaten, bully and otherwise intimidate us. It is demeaning, completely unnecessary, and seems to be contrary to the values you yourself promote. He is not…”friendly”.

>There is a tiny, almost undetectable change in the Princess’s expression as Olive finished speaking. She opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by the sound of throne-room doors opening.

>Instead of the usual sound of clopping hooves, you hear only the faint beat of leather shoes pressing against the floor.

>Oh, bum

Alright, gayboys! Sorry if I’m interrupting your little circle-jerk, can I just squeeze in there?

>While the other Council members turn around, with varying degrees of panic washing over their faces, you sneak a look at the Princess first.

>She smiles vaguely at the approaching human, but she seems occupied somewhat.

>”What is the meaning of this? We instructed the guards NOT to let you through!” says Seabreeze. Anon shrugs.

“Aye, I figured that. I’m very charismatic. Good lads, those guards. Good head on their shoulders. Which is more than I’ll be able to say about you, after I’m done here. What the fuck is this?”

>Seabreeze attempts to splutter a response, but Olive takes the initiative.

>“We’re resigning, Anon. All of us. Until you quit.”

>Anon’s face twists itself into a sort of manic grin.

Oh really? You’re trying to force me out? A little coup d’état, as a wanker might say? How about this for a counter-proposal: you unresign right fucking now, or I’ll resign your eyes right out of your fuckin-

>”Good afternoon, Anon” Says the Princess. The human lifts his head in acknowledgement.

“Aye, good afternoon yourself“

>he lazily waves a hand at her, without taking his predatory eyes off of Olive.

>Even now, his manners astound you. You knew he was an as…you knew he was…rude, but surely the Princess can’t be treated like a drinking buddy?

>Not that you have any drinking buddies. Maybe a glass of wine or two with your friends, but that’s completely different. You’d still treat them with more respect than this.

 “You’re not really listening to this lot, right? You were just humouring them until I showed up, so I could then eviscerate them for your viewing pleasure, yeah?”

>The Princess pauses, and then sighs.

>“The Council do not wish to continue with their roles, as long as you continue to attend.

>”As long as he’s still in Canterlot, I fear he will continue to bring his unwanted presence into political matters, my Princess” Says Olive.

>”Yeah!”

>”He’s a barbarian in a suit!”

>”He said I was a poof! Whatever that means”

“It means your gay, you MASSIVE POOFTER! Listen, Celestia, who cares if they resign? Frankly it would be a good thing.  There’s plenty of other ponies who could gladly do the job these ones aren’t doing. There’s only one me, I guarantee you that“

>You look at Celestia, who seems to be considering this. Olive opens her mouth to speak, but Anon is on a roll.

”None of these guys are irreplaceable. This lot couldn’t find their way out of a wet paper arse. The purple one’s too young for the job, Captain Equestria there isn’t a politican, and the rest are, with all due respect, absolute shitebags.

>You wince as he mentions you. You know that he knows your name. You deserve at least your name, surely?

>”Do you see what we have to put up with?” moans Copporbottom.

“This is NOTHING, my four legged friend, compared to what rats like you deserve.  I’ve been Mahatma fucking Superghandi to you pricks. You keep this up and I will show you just how nasty I can be.”

>“Theats, again! It’s just constant, on and on…”

>Anon and the others begin to argue. While this goes on, the princess looks you directly. Her violet eyes stare deeply into you.

>“You have been very quiet during all of this, Stargaze. I know that you’re an honest pony, so tell me: What do you think of Anon?”

>You don’t look away. You don’t even have to think about it. You just give her what she wants: the truth.

>“I think…he’s a horrible person. I don’t understand why you like him. How could you be friends with somepony like that?”

>For a brief instant, Celestia’s eyes seem to reflect some sort of regret. Then she closes her eyes and nods her head

>”I see”

>She turns to the bickering figures in front of her.

>“May I have your attention, gentlecolts?”

>Without even raising her voice, the argument comes to a dead stop. All eyes are on Celestia.

>“Thank you. Now…Anon, step forward, please.”

>Eventually, the room unfreezes. Anon walks to the base of the stairs leading up to the throne. His face is a grim mask.

>”I admire and respect you and your ability, Anon. But it seems as if you are making more enemies than friends in Canterlot.”

Thank you, your highness.

>He bows, mockingly. Celestia does not smile.

>”I’ve decided on a compromise. You will remain a close advisor of mine, and I will seek your opinion when needed. However, you will no longer be attending the Royal Council meetings. I have a new request of you, Anon”

>There is a sigh of relief from the other ponies. All smiles before, Anon’s teeth are bared. His eyes are bulging out of his head.

>”This morning I received a letter from the mayor of Ponyville, requesting advice on her upcoming re-election campaign. She has proved a loyal servant, so I will grant her request. You will be that aid. I wish for you supervise her campaign as an independent advisor who in no ways speaks for me or the throne. Do this for me, and I will reconsider your position in Canterlot. Do you accept this?”

This is a pile of shite. You’re making a huge fucking mistake here, Celly-

>Anon starts, before locking eyes with the princess.

>”I trust you, Anon. All I ask is that you trust me, too”.

>It feels like an eternity before one of them moves again. For the first time, you see Anon back down from a challenger. He nods gravely, turns around, takes the time to shoot looks of pure venom at you and the others, and then, very slowly, walks past you and towards the door.

>It’s hard to get a read on his face, given its strange dimensions. All you can really tell is that he doesn’t seem angry as you were expecting.

>He was, of course, still extremely cross looking. He just hasn’t killed anyone yet.

>Before he goes, you hear him whisper something in Olive’s ear. She does not react, but keeps her eyes on the retreating human until he is finally gone.

>Celestia, who had watched him go with an inscrutable expression, declares the meeting to be over.

>Copporbottom bows so low you feel he might snap in two. Olive lets a subtle smile appear on her lips.

>She’s won. We’ve won!

>It begins to sink in that you’ve all actually managed to get the better of Anon, the most feared political entity in Equestria outside of the Princesses. You’re not “happy”, so to speak, but you feel relief flooding through you.

>Perhaps this job isn’t going to be so bad after-

>“Stargaze, can you remain behind for a moment? I would like to discuss something with you.”

>You turn around, startled. Did you do something wrong?

>You approach the throne as the others leave. The door shuts ominously behind you.

>”Y-Yes, Princess? I mean, what do you need? Did I say something that-“

>“Calm yourself, Stargaze. I wish to talk to you about Anon. Do you really hate him?”

>You think for a second.

>”I wouldn’t say I hated him, Princess. I just don’t really want to see or hear him anymore.”

>Oh wait that sounds pretty bad.

>”Er, I mean, I know that you like him, so I’m sure he’s actually really nice to you?”

>The princess sighs.

>”Do you think I would tolerate a creature like Anon without good reason, never mind like him? We understand what it’s like to be different from normal ponies. We can find a little comfort in each other.”

>She lingers on the word comfort as she says it.

>” I fear that he and normal ponies are simply…incompatible. It’s not good for him. If I only cared about results, he would still be on the Council. But Anon has spent years in Canterlot, spending every waking hour helping me and this city, and yet he’s managed to become even more feared than when he first showed up. The council’s rebellion offered me an opportunity to give Anon a fresh start. This is my way of helping a friend. I think he understood that.”

>Despite yourself, hearing the Princess speak of him like this makes you feel a little sorry for Anon. It must be a lonely life.

>You’re still glad he’s not going to be around, though.

>“I would like you to go with Anon to Ponyville.”

>“…Excuse me?”

>“Anon may be gone, but he was right about you. You have a kind, gentle heart, and you’re a very creative planner, but you’re too inexperienced for politics at this level. I’m surprised Anon picked you in the first place, to be honest. You could learn a great deal watching Anon work.”

>A part of you wants the ground to swallow you up, but in your heart of hearts, you know she’s right. The last few days alone have worn you to the bone. The Council members have been as warm and inviting as a fridge. At least Anon talked to you, if only to call you an idiot.

>”Officially you would be his assistant. In reality, I just need you to stay close to him, and to report on how he is doing. I know he’ll get results with the Mayor, but what I really want is for him to revaluate what he’s doing with his life. There’s more to it than just politics and power.”

>She looks you in the eye again

>“Please help my friend, Stargaze.

>You don’t want to do this. You really, really don’t want to do this. Anon hates you. You might hate Anon. You don’t know anypony in Ponyville. You didn’t understand Celestia’s intentions at all. These are all the rational things you should be thinking.

>But you’re beginning to see the romantic side of what she’s saying. It’s like in the Bronco Sisters novels, with the dark hero with a heart of gold! And you as the heroine, who helps him find his soul! Only you wouldn’t have babies with him at the end because that would be weird.

>Your Cutie Mark is a starry night with tiny constellations forming inside of it. It represents your capacity to find romance and great ideas in everything. You are a dreamer at heart. Now, once again, a dream is forming in your mind.

>“Ok, Princess. I’ll do it.”