Title:           Teaching a Princess
Author:          Bronitz
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/WePSH8ub
First Edit:      Friday 27th of April 2012 11:15:43 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Friday 27th of April 2012 11:15:43 AM CDT

>Hear high-pitched whining and the sound of something soft scraping against dirt in your backyard
>Check it out
>Your neighbor's fluffy pony is trapped under a loose board
>"hewp! meanie fence munsta got pwincess!"
>That was the name your neighbor gave the pink fluffball with the purple mane
>And he treats her like one
>"wet go of fwuffy or get ouchies!" she orders the piece of wood
>Pokerface.jpg
>Decide to help
>Go over to her
>Lift the loose fence board
>She scrambles into your backyard
>Reach down to pet her
>She slaps your hand away with a marshmallow hoof
>"no hugsies 'til spasgetties!" she says
>She sits up on her back legs and crosses her front legs together
>She glares at you and blows a raspberry
>Not sure how to react
 
>Just stand there staring at the fluffy
>"gif sketties! hooman dum? can' hear? wan' nummies!"
>You're a reasonable guy
>Go inside, whip up some chow for her
>Microwaved canned chicken noodle soup
>The same kind your mom made for you when you got sick
>Go back outside and set the bowl in front of Princess
>The only thing she says is "'bout time!" and goes "hmph" at you
>She stares at the bowl, and then back at you
>"whewe spoon?"
>Huh?
>She makes an angry, whiny groan
>"stoopid hooman suppose'ta feed pwincess! dummy human!!"
>She runs over and bucks you in the shin
>Jeez...
>Crouch down and bring the bowl to her lips
>She goes "hmph!" again before tasting the soup
>She spits it out on your hand
>She's clenching her little fluffy pony teeth now
>"HOOMAN DUMB! DIS NOT PASKETTIES!"
>She waddles over to your feet
>"now pwincess give dum hooman sowwy-poopies!"
>She drops a fat turd on your shoe
>The shoes your father, who worked as a door-to-door shoemaker/salesman/repairman for twenty years, hand-made for you
>Now it's ruined
 
>You're quiet for a second
>"hooman weave now! dis pwincess new pway pwace!" she breaks the silence
>Uh-huh.
>You dump the soup on her with one flick of your wrist
>"owwies! wawa hot! hooman dum! make oopsies! wan' mo' sowwy-poopies!"
>Drop the bowl and backhand her
>She shrieks and flies a few feet
>She lands with a little splash from all the soup in her fur
>Walk over to her
>"owwies..." she's a little quieter on the gruond
>She stands back up
>"no wike dis game!" she puffs out her cheeks at you
>Backhand her into the ground this time
>Pick her back up by her chest fur
>Start hitting her some more
>Backhand, punch, backhand, punch
>A little spray of soup every time you make contact
>"nuu--fwuffy--fw--fwuffy s--sowwy!" she manages to get out between strikes
>This is the problem with some fluffues
>They're never sorry until they're in danger of being punished
>And they'll promise to be good fluffies "fow evah"
>And then they'll forget a day later and do it again
>You're going to make her remember this
 
>Ask her why she's sorry
>"pwincess--" she flinches and puts her little hooves up against her head to protect herself
>"princess sowwy fo' make bad poopies!" she says quickly
>Ask her how she's going to make up for it
>She stares blankly at you with big, tear-filled eyes
>Ask the little shit again
>"pwincess--pwincess dunno!"
>You have an idea
>Put her down in front of your soiled shoe
>She tries to stand up, but you push her down to the ground
>Tell her to eat it
>"wah? nuu! no smeww pwetty!"
>Pick her back up and start hitting her again
>Now she starts crying
>Put her down again and tell her to eat it again
>She looks back up at you and tries to get back up
>You raise your hand and she cowers back down with her head under her hooves
>She gingerly reaches for it with her tongue and licks it
>The moment she does, she draws it back with a "no taste pwetty! dun wanna!"
>Time for drastic measures
>Flip her on her back
>Backhand her again for good measure
 
>Put your hands on both sides of her jaw
>Force it open
>Start squeezing
>She starts shrieking in agonizing pain as the bones slowly and audibly crack and collapse
>Now she can't move her jaw
>Tears are streaming out of her eyes
>Pick up the brown turd on your shoe and hold it over the pink turd on the ground
>Drop it into her open mouth
>Her screaming turns into a muffled groan
>The turd's still too big to go down
>Idea!
>Put one hand on her upper jaw and one hand on her lower jaw
>Pull them apart
>Not too far, mind you. Don't want to kill her. That'd be too nice for her
>Blood sprays out of the torn corners of her mouth
>Push the turd into her mouth
>That's probably gonna get infected
>But at least it fits better now
>Close her mouth over it
>Massage and compress the mouth to help the turd fit down her throat
>This is incredibly painful for her because of her broken jaw
>But she swallows, piece by piece
>Let go of her jaw
>Her jaw hangs open now
 
>Pat her on the head
>Her fluff is quite soft
>Wipe off the rest of the shit on it
>She starts sobbing
>Go back inside to wash your hands and clean your shoe
>The sobbing cradles you off to happy dreams
>Your neighbor comes back from his business trip a week later
>You're the first person he asks about what happened
>She can't say a thing with her immobile, broken jaw
>Not that she could do much good with her feeble fluffy intellect
>So you tell him you found a stray mutt violently french-kissing her, but you chased it off just in time
>He thanks you, calls you a hero, and resolves never to leave Princess alone again
>But his job takes him all over the place and that mortgage won't pay itself...
"Hey, anon, you wouldn't mind babysitting my sweet little Princess next week, would ya? I can pay you."
>Not at all, buddy. Not at all...