Title:           Biologist vs. Fluffy
Author:          Bronitz
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/iLjwyjzJ
First Edit:      Sunday 5th of August 2012 12:37:03 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 5th of August 2012 12:37:03 PM CDT

>You're a biologist who's out for the week doing field work.
>You've been sent to a rural area to document and take notes on the local wildlife.
>You told yourself that you would probably be gone for longer than expected, so you packed extra supplies.
>You also have a good supply of tools, you never know what you'll find in the middle of nowhere
>You stop, set up camp and get settled.
>Proceed to set out on your journey
>It's a good thing you packed extra notebooks, and you really haven't had to take your hands off of your camera yet.
>You're just walking along, snapping a picture or writing a note every minute or so
>Suddenly, a small bush a few feet off the path rustles.
>You ready your camera and approach the shrub.
>3 small balls of pastel-colored fuzz waddle out of the bush.
>You think to yourself, "What in the hell?"
>They don't seem to notice you.
>You decide to move a bit closer.
>Upon a closer look, you remember what you've heard
>These are "fluffy ponies"
>Genetically engineered miniature ponies that are now the fastest breeding invasive species in the world.
>Also, they have an incredibly low mental capacity, and people have taken to domesticating them.
>The fluffies, being very stupid, don't notice you untill they're very close.
>Having taken them by surprise, they scream and try to run.
>Apparently, a fluffy's max speed is only about 5 miles per hour.
>You grab it, and it screams bloody murder and flops around like a fish.
>"God, these things really don't shut up", you think to yourself.
>After getting it to shut up by screaming at it, it pretty much just sits there whimpering.
>It's too scared to try anything, so it just obeys you.
 
>You write about half a page on it before you're rudely interrupted by a shout.
>"Wet go fwien, munsta!"
>You look up and standing in front of you are 4 more fluffy ponies with their cheeks puffed out, trying to look threatening.
>They look pretty damn stupid.
"Relax, I'm going to let your friend go soon."
>You're not done sketching it, so you let them know that you'll be done in a moment.
>Apparently they're too stupid to process that you just told them their friend will be fine, and charge you.
>They start biting and bucking your ankles.
>It really doesn't hurt, but you're defensive when you need to be.
>You kick one of them.
>It flies through the air and lands several feet away, and gets up and limps back at you and continues nipping you.
>"Wow, these things really are fucking morons."
>You grab one of them forcefully and throw it back at the other fluffies.
>You proceed to kick them until they give up.
>They limp back to the bushes, crying about "Big mean munsta huwt fwuffy!" "Fwuffy wan nummies!"
>You never get to finish your notes. Fuck.
 
>The next day
>You wake up, put some clean clothes on.
>When you exit your tent to brush your teeth and get breakfast, you can't believe your eyes.
>The fluffy ponies are back, but this time there's about 20.
>A slightly bigger one walks to the front of the pack.
"You huwt fwuffy fwiends, an now we gon gib you big owwies!"
>You laugh.
"Get lost, before your friends are the least of your worries."
>The big one, the "Smawty fwien" as you can tell from the rest of the herd's chatter, is a lot stupider than he looks.
>They run at you in a fashion almost identical to the attack you fought off yesterday.
>They bite and buck your ankles, but it still doesn't hurt.
>You step through the sea of fluffballs, and pick out the Smarty Friend from the group.
>You grab him, pick him up, and suddenly he's not so brave.
"WET FWUFFY GO! FWUFFY SOWWY!"
>You throw him as hard as you can against the ground and forcefully step on him.
>You feel his bones crack beneath your feet.
>He lets out a bloodcurdling shriek and the herd goes silent.
"Get lost, you little shits, or you'll all end up like your friend."
>Without hesitation, the entire herd turns around and runs.
>The Smarty Friend is hobbling slowly after them.
>You go to pick him up, and decide to use him to continue your sketch from where you left off with the fluffy yesterday.
>You remember to note features such as "Incredibly low mental capacity"
>You finally finish your writing, which you could not be more relieved by.
>The broken and defeated fluffy will just not shut up.
>"Wet fwuffy go! Fwuffy sowwy! Fwuffy neva bova munsta again!"
>You throw him on the ground and plant a swift kick on his head.
>You jot down "Low bone density"
 
>After lunch, you decide to go on a bit of a nature walk, minus the note taking.
>Everything is beautiful, and every animal you see seems indifferent to your presence.
>Something's out of place.
>No fluffy ponies.
>You shrug the minor detail off and keep walking.
 
>After a few hours, you return to your campsite.
>You can't fucking believe what you're seeing.
>Fluffy ponies. EVERYWHERE.
>There has to be at least 5 times the amount that showed up at your campsite in the morning.
>Oh shit.
>Before you left on your walk, you left your pack out on the table.
>Your food is gone, and your tools are strewn everywhere. >Your pack itself is covered in fluff and shit and ripped up.
>They invaded your tent and shit everywhere inside it. They ripped up your tent itself and destroyed your sleeping bag and cot.
>You are done taking taking shit from these little monsters.
>You have kept your cool up until now, but now you're ready to explode.
"LISTEN TO ME! ALL OF YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!"
>"LEAVE! RIGHT FUCKING NOW BEFORE I MERCILESSLY KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!" You spout.
>The new Smarty Friend waddles his way to the front of the herd.
>"Mean munsta give fwiens big ouchies, naw we get munsta back!"
>"Go way, munsta! You meanie! Dis aw land naw!
>All of your life, you never remember being more angry than this.
>Tearing up your belongings and eating your food supply is one thing, but your shit being destroyed by such stupid creatures?
>You charge at the Smarty Friend, and grab him by his tail.
>You start smashing him against the ground repeatedly.
>Each hit you hear another sickening crack as his tiny skull collides with the earth.
>He's bleeding, shitting and screaming everywhere.
>You don't care, you aren't even started.
 
>You get up to claim your next victim.
>You reach down blindly and pull out a rather chubby foal.
>"Nu huwt fwuffy! Fwuffy wan mumma!"
>You pull off his legs, one by one.
>"WAN WEGGIES!"
>You grab him by the tail and swing him forcefully.
>You manage to club a good amount of fluffies with the fat foal.
>You then rip him half whole. He stops screaming after a few seconds.
>You throw the pieces of the destroyed fluffy back on the ground and begin stomping out as many fluffies as possible.
>You then look over.
>You forgot about your truck.
>You climb in the drivers' seat as fast as possible and stamp the pedal to the floor.
>You completely destroy half of the herd of fluffies as they are crushed beneath your tires.
>You get out of the truck and grab as many fluffies as possible to throw into a large trashbag had in your glove box.
>You pack up what you can salvage from your campsite and head back to your company's lab.
>You hand the remaining shit-covered, screaming fluffies over to your coworker who will put them in the incubator, where they can be experimented on later.
>Your boss is extremely pleased with your notes, pictures, and the fluffies you brought back.
>You get promoted to the head of the field team.
>No one ever asks why you came back 3 days early.