CYOA Sage and Femanon 2 (guest OPtimistic as Sage)

Episode 2: OPtimistic guest starring as Sage.

(note, OPtimistic has a different writing format that we’re keeping for his sake)

 

>Be Femanon.

>You’re at Sweet Apple Acres, helping Applejack pick apples.

>She’s injured her leg after a small mishap with Sage.

>You carefully climb a small tree.

>You never really were good at climbing.

>You reach out and grab an apple, before losing your balance and falling.

>The orange pony breaks your fall.

>”Anon, why can’t ya just buck the trees? It’d sure save ya a lot of hassle and me from gettin’ any more bruises.”

>You sigh.

>You’ve picked maybe a few dozen apples over the course of five hours.

>She would have had the entire orchard cleared in seconds.

“I’m not a pony, Applejack. I can’t just kick a tree and make apples rain. Humans aren’t nearly that strong.”

>Applejack sighs.

>”I appreciate your help sugarcube, but we’re not gettin’ very far. Maybe I should get Rarity or Twilight to help instead?”

“Rarity is sick, and Twilight is…”

>You blink.

>Where is Twilight?

 

>Be Sage.

>You’re running like hell away from a purple unicorn.

>”Sage, wait!”

>Twilight gallops after you.

>”I’m not trying to hurt you!”

>The hell she isn’t!

>You saw needles and everything in the basement of the library.

>You’re willing to bet that her “analysis” involves some sort of probing.

>Femanon must have put her up to this.

“You’re not touching me with that stupid machine!”

>”It’s not stupid!”

>You throw some hay bales from a cart at her to slow her down.

>She narrowly dodges one.

>And walks straight into another.

>Direct hit!

>Score, twenty points!

>You pump a fist into the air and run off.

>Those things weighed like 50 pounds, easy.

>She’s gotta be unconscious.

>Ah well.

>You pluck a stray straw from your shirt and chew on the end.

>A thought hits you.

>You haven’t seen Femmy all day.

>Where is she?

 

Sage

>Maybe she went to the hotel?

>Even if she wasn’t there, you’d see her come home eventually.

>You look behind you.

>No purple unicorn in sight.

>You slow your pace down and head into Sugarcube Corner.

>The smell of chocolate cake and sweets makes you drool.

>Maybe you should bring cake home with you.

>Put a big giant one in Femmy’s room.

>With lots of frosting.

>Ooh, and ice cream!

>Girls love ice cream cake.

>You nod.

>Yeah, let’s go with that.

>”Hey there Sage! What would you like today?”

>Mrs. Cake greets you warmly, as always.

>You smile.

“One of your finest ice cream cakes please.”

>She smiles and disappears into the kitchen.

>The baking pony comes back with a double layer cake the size of your head.

>You hand her a few bits.

>Fantastic.

>Now all you need is cast an enlargement spell.

>You carry the cake back to your room, and kick open the door to Femmy’s side.

>Wait a sec.

>You set the cake down.

>You don’t know of any enlargement spells.

>You could summon a certain bottle of enlarging pills, but that wouldn’t work on a cake.

>You scratch your head.

>Wait.

>Idea!

>You slam the door, snap your fingers, do some jazz hands, and reopen it.

>A sudden wave of heat hits you.

>Purple smoke swirls around you.

>You reach in and grab a pony, and slam the door.

>The pony stares at you in surprise.

>You tell him what’s going on.

>”You want me to cast a spell to make this cake bigger?”

>You nod your head furiously.

>The red unicorn pony sighs.

>”Such a waste of my time…”

“What? Don’t devil ponies know how to do that?”

>”Yes… but it’ll cost you.”

 

Femanon

>You remember that you asked her a favor yesterday.

>To babysit Sage for a couple of hours while you helped Applejack.

>She was supposed to come get you an hour ago.

>You sigh.

“I’ll go get Twilight. You should just relax for now Applejack.”

>”Don’t you worry about me Anon. I’m perfectly fine. Look, my leg is all better!”

>She tries bucking a tree.

>And falls flat on her face.

>Yeah.

>Totally better.

“Just sit tight.”

>You pat dirt off of you and walk back into town.

>You see a small crowd gathering around a cart.

>Huh?

>What’s going on? Is there an accident?

>You push your way through.

>And see a purple pony clutching her head.

“Twilight?”

>She’s leaning against a hay bale.

>You walk over to her.

>”Anon? Wh-... huh?”

>She looks a little crosseyed.

“What happened?”

>”I-... Sage threw a hay bale at me.”

>He did what?

>Those things are like 50 pounds and Twilight looks like she was hit in the face.

>She could have a concussion.

“Fucking Sage...”

>You carefully help her up.

“Let’s get you to emergency care.”

>She doesn’t protest.

 

Sage

>Let's make this cake bigger.

>Fuckin' Lulu ult or someshit.

>What's it gonna cost?

>Not like you have any money or anything.

>Cake's some really expensive shit.

"You're going to have to pay with a month off of your life."

>Um...

>Deal.

"W-what? So decisive!"

>Pff... if Femmy wants a cake, she's getting a fuckin' cake.

"Are you absolutely sure?"

>What's a month off of your life?

>Not like you're gonna know or anything.

"One month is a long time... You know what you could accomplish?"

>Jack shit, you're gonna be old!

>Remember the last time an old guy tried to accomplish anything?

>How'd you get your powers again?

"Alright then... you're actually going to need to help me."

>Nigga, you're stacked to the max.

>You pat your needlessly large rod in your pocket.

>Ready to help in any way.

 

Femanon

>You help Twilight over to the medical tent.

>You keep her focused on you, making sure she doesn’t fall unconscious or anything.

>What the hell was Sage thinking? Twilight could be seriously injured right now!

>You call out to one of the nurses and leave the poor purple pony in her care.

>You turn on your heel and start stomping towards the hotel.

>Because if anything, Sage will be there.

>Probably playing video games, or doing something incredibly stupid and unproductive.

>Your fingers are crossed that he’s there.

>Because if he is?

>Holy shit.

>You’re going to wreck him.

>Absolutely tear him to bits.

>Give him a concussion of his own.

 

Sage

>You’re battling a nigger in space.

>If that’s what it takes to bake a pretty cake.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdaOT72ieXs

>Should be a piece of cake.

>Um… uh…

>Jk, you’re on the ground… drawing a pentagram in condensed milk.

>You gotta make it pretty.

>Pretty pentagrams make for a cool cake.

“Good… good! Everything’s going to plan.”

>And… the door’s rumbling!

>Looks like Femmy couldn’t resist your chocolatey goodness.

>Shit, but the cake’s not ready yet!

>You try to draw a little faster.

 

Femanon

>You storm into you room.

>Three things catch your eye.

>Cake.

>Condensed milk fucking everywhere on the floor.

>And a red pony with cartoon-styled devilish ears and tail.

>Dafuq?

“... what are you doing?”

>”Happy… um… birthday! I got you a cake!”

“Birthday? It’s not my birthday. You know that… I’ve told you like fourteen times or something.”

>“You’re fourteen today?!”

“... I’ve told you fourteen times when my birthday is. WHICH IS NOT TODAY!”

>He shuts up.

>You huff and take a deep breath.

“Look, I get it. You’re an idiot. Just explain to me what the fuck you’re doing in-... what you’re doing to my room?”

 

Sage

>Wait, not her birthday?

>Holy shit, what day is it?

>September… kinda sounds like August, right?

>Almost.

“Well?”

>You tell her how you bought her a cake for her not-birthday.

>And summoned a pony to make it bigger

[spoiler]>Same post?

>Lol, you try writing this shit.[/spoiler]

>She looks furious.

“I don’t want it.”

>Bitch don’t love no cake?

>Ah hell nah.

>You press her further, she better have this cake.

>Mary Antoinette’s having some.

“For the last time, no. I’m not having any cake!”

>You spent some serious dinero on this shit.

>She facepalms, sighs, and storms off.

>Well… you’ve got a unlarged cake… and a demon pony.

>Don’t forget a shit ton of condensed milk.

>You twiddle your thumbs.

 

Femanon

>Fuck this.

>You’re not about to deal with his shit right now.

>You storm away.

>Fucking buying a cake.

>For what reason?

>You blink.

>Wait, did he say buy?

>... with what money?

>You rummage around in your pockets.

>Son of a…

>You dash back into your room.

>He’s still there, on his knees, face to the floor.

“Did you steal money from me? Again?”

>The can of condensed milk is in his hands… next to his face.

 

Sage

>Wow… this smells fantasmic.

>Even better than that one time you…

>Uh…

>Yeah, better than that!

>You try to get a better smell of it.

>Oh fuck too close.

>Shit goes in your nose, and down your throat or whatever.

>Oh shit! What if that gets into your lungs?

>Meanwhile, Femmy’s over there tapping her foot like this is some kind of DDR level.

“Answer me, you dolt!”

>Oh… that was her money?

>You thought the cleaning pony left a tip!

>Cheap immigrant labor.

>Not even leaving tips.

“A tip? It was in my wallet, in MY ROOM!”

>That… was hers? You try to tell her sorry.

“... you’re dead!”

>She’s closing the distance on you.

>She wants a hug!

 

Femanon

>You leap at him and throw a punch to his face.

>”Ow!”

>He uses his magic to phase through your arms.

>That little...!

>You whip around and throw your fist at his back.

>And… you’ve hit nothing but air.

“Get back here Sage!”

>He can hurt Twilight.

>He can trash your room.

>He can even make you miserable without even trying.

>But he went through your stuff.

>And he’s going to pay.

>You run outside of the hotel and look around.

>But he’s gone.

>Fuck!

 

Sage

>Whew… thank fuck for TP.

>Shit…. 5 minute cooldown.

>Where are you, anyways?

>Not at a ward.

>Not at a tower.

>You take a look around… and you see a giant castle.

>Canterlot Castle?

>Bitchin.

>Now she’s gonna have to work for that hug.

>You meander through the city streets.

>It’s reached that point in the day where the streets are pretty bustling.

>But… you stick out like a hot girl at a [spoiler]brony convention[/spoiler]

>Wait, what does that even mean?

>Eh, whatever.

>Time for some fun.

>Maybe a little Robin Hood action?

>You waltz down the main street peering through stalls and vendors.

 

Femanon

>He’s gone.

>You breathe. In. Out.

>Fuck.

>You need to cool off.

>Sage is really starting to get to you.

>You’re lucky this time it was just a cake.

>But he stole this month’s rent.

>And wasted it.

>Damn it!

>You walk through Ponyville.

>This idiot is terrible.

>How can Celestia expect you to live with him?

>You blink.

>Sage just hurt Twilight.

>He also just summoned a devil pony.

>How can Celestia not listen to you after that?

>You sprint towards the library and break down the door.

“Spike!”

>”AHHH!”

>The dragon dives for cover behind some books.

>”Wha- huh? Anon?”

“Spike. I need you to write a letter to Celestia. Now.”

>He stares at you.

>”Why?”

“Now!”

>The dragon jumps.

>He grabs a quill and scroll and unravels it nervously.

>”Uh… okay…”

“Princess Celestia. I have a request that I need to be addressed, as soon as possible.”

>Spike nervously scribbles down as you dictate.

“Sage is out of control. I found him destroying my room and stealing from my belongings. He’s summoned a devil, and he’s even gone and hurt Twilight! He must be dealt with immediately.”

 

Sage

>Time to give to the rich and steal from the poor!

>Oh… did I get that right?

>Give to the steel and pour to the rich!

>You start to ask around.

>Anybody know where Blueblood lives?

>Some really slim and shady looking pony guy looks at you.

“Ah can show you.”

>Sweet!

>You follow him around, through dungeons deep and caverns old.

>As you reach… what seems to be a decent manor, Slim Shady over here turns around and squints at you.

“You tryna steal something? I’ve been casin’ the joint for days now.”

>He’s walking close to you. Gettin up in yo’ grill.

“Man, you’d best step off my job, bruh.”

>He’s getting real friendly right now.

>Sleepy wave!

>You jazz hands in front of his eyes.

>And Slim Shady just became Slim Sleepy.

>You’ve got a beautiful looking residence in front of you…

>Not to mention a sleeping gangster.

 

Femanon

>”Uh, Anon? There isn’t a single request in this letter.”

“Just send it.”

>Spike grumbles and sends the letter.

>You continue doing breathing exercises.

>Crap.

>Not helping.

>You need a drink.

>You go into the kitchen and start looking around.

“Spike? Do you have anything mindnumbing to drink?”

>He looks at you.

>”N-no.”

>He burps up a letter.

>A response!

“Anonymous. Twilight Sparkle is my personal student and a very capable pony. She should be fine. I will look into the demon matter, thank you for bringing this to my attention. However I have a more pressing matter at hand here in Canterlot involving a prince, so I will have to address your request at a later time. -Princess Celestia.”

“WHAT?!”

>You feel like you’re going to faint.

“Spike, I need that drink now…”

 

Sage

>You Solid Snake your way into the manor.

>First… an unlocking spell on the front gate.

>He’s never gonna expect that one.

>You pass through the front gate, giving your back a check

>Oh shit. You forgot someone was taking a nap!

>You drag his body somewhere a little more comfortable.

>That mat looks pretty soft.

>You lay him down gently on the welcome mat.

>There we go. Now he can have a good dream.

>Comfy bed, comfy dream.

>Taking a look through a window, you see nobody.

>Time to Danny Phantom.

>You phase shift through. Time to play.

>You begin running through the mansion, as quietly as you can.

>Paradoxes lel

>And… you pocket anything that can fit in your robe.

>Arc of the Covenant.

>Holy Grail

>Sip until your cup runneth over.

>Nope, not today.

>You pick up one more golden object…

>And you can’t move?

>You drop the golden object, and you can move again.

>Fucking overencumberance game mechanics.

“Halt, who goes there?”

>Not an invisible guy. Definitely not.

“Huh? O-okay then.”

>Time to go.

>And you’ve got a robeload of treasure, heading out to the front door.

>You feel something heavy fall out.

>Oh shit.

>Now’s not the time, you gotta fuckin’ bounce.

>The sleepy pony stirs.

>And you don’t wanna find out if he had a bad dream or not.

>I mean, you tried, but… oh well.

>But he’s sleeping on the most important object of all!

>The welcome mat.

>You grab his arm and try to pull.

“Hold it right there, criminal scum!”

>You freeze, Slim Shady in hand.

“Thank you, kind sir, for stopping this hoodlum!”

>Nuh problem brah.

“Ey man, I didn’t do nothin!”

>You walk away fiddling some coin in your hand.

 

Femanon

>You reread the letter again.

>She cannot be serious.

>She’s ignoring you completely.

>Doesn’t she understand how incredibly awful Sage is?

>How he’s literally killing off every single fiber of motivation and happiness you have left?

>How he’s fucking up and hurting people in Ponyville?

>He fucking got Rarity sick.

>Sprained Applejack’s hoof with a “prank”

>And gave Twilight a concussion.

>He’s already killed the greater part of your sanity.

>You dejectedly trudge to your room back in your hotel and stare at the stained carpeting.

>Oh god.

>He drew a pentagram.

>No, that’s it.

>You have to do it.

>You have to remove him from the picture.

>You notice the can of condensed milk is still sitting on the ground.

>... maybe you could poison him?

>I mean, yeah… he already drank himself to death once.

>Though it wasn’t actually him…

>He’s not too bright. Poison could work.

>You look around and find some laundry detergent that the idiot magicked up one night.

>That’ll work.

>You pour a significant amount into the can and set it on his bedside table.

>Now you just have to wait.

 

Sage

>Let’s head back in there.

>You see the guard hall off the drowsy pony … somewhere.

>Hopefully to a better place where he can sleep.

>Floorsleeping isn’t comfy.

>Just ask Femmy.

>You go through the neighhhh borhood.

[spoiler]muh puns[/spoiler]

>You find a decent apartment complex.

>The clerk up front stops you.

“Hello there, are you new here?”

>Um… kinda.

>You’re just visiting a friend.

“Who is it?”

>You… um…

>X-ray vision!

>You’re staring at his dick.

>You look back up at a registry. Seeing lists of names.

>Banquet sign in from a month ago?

>Which one sounds fanciest?

>Celestia.

”The princess? You’re friends with the Princess?”

>Uh… yeah, sure, let’s go with that.

“Oh my…”

>The clerk calls a royal guard over.

>Stiff and quiet here mindlessly leads you to the castle.

>Damn son.

>This shit’s dope.

>You spot a golden vase in the lobby and pocket it in your robe.

“Sage? What wonderful timing.”

>Sunbutt say wut?

“I received a letter from your companion, Anonymous.”

>Aww… she’s writing about you?

>She really does care.

“Do you have any idea what this could be about? Devil summoning? An attack on Twilight Sparkle?”

>Not ringing any bells.

[spoiler]>Well, at least I can’t remember that far back.[/spoiler]

“Anonymous… she must be under some stress. Sage?”

>You stand up straight.

“Do me a favor and make sure she’s happy. Bring her a cake. On me.”

>She writes a royal decree ordering a large chocolate cake.

>Oh… wouldja look at that… TP’s off cooldown.

>Back home!

>You zoop on over to the hotel, and jog right on over to Sugarcube Corner.

>Did Applejack name this place?

>You’ve got the voucher in hand.

 

 

 

 

Femanon

>”Oh my goodness! A royal decree?”

>You hear a voice from next door.

>Is that Mrs. Cake?

>”I have just the thing!”

>Royal decree?

>What does she mean by that?

>You have no idea.

>Do you even care?

>Not rea- wait.

>The letter.

>Why would Princess Celestia order something from the Cakes?

>Is that what royal matter the princess was talking about?

>You groan.

>So apparently, cake is more important to her royal highness than the wellbeing of a lowly, pathetic, girl.

>Fuck.

>That makes you angry.

>Angry enough to give Celestia a verbal flip off.

>You’re going to have Spike send another letter.

>You get up and open the door.

>Only to see a giant cake flood your field of view.

>”Anon!”

>Mr. Cake seems to be struggling, carrying the enormous thing.

>You step back and away, giving him room to bring it in.

>You see a slice has already been cut out of it.

>Why the fuck is a cake being delivered to your door?

>”Compliments of Princess Celestia.”

>You hear a voice say.

>You turn and look at your magical human friend.

>He smacks his lips and licks his fingers.

“So delicious.”

>He’s not a friend.

>He’s an enemy.

 

Sage

>She looks happy! Sweet.

>Cake was a great and original idea.

>Celestia’s so smart.

>Why couldn’t you think of that?

>That cake was definitely not a lie.

>Real niggas say word.

>You cut a slice from the top tier and put it on a plate, handing it to Femmy.

“...”

>It’s from Celestia! Take some!

“I-... uh…”

>S-she… doesn’t want any?

“I’m… flattered? I don’t know what to-.... why don’t you have some?”

>Her voice sounds a little off.

>You already had some… and you’re pretty stuffed.

>It’s some good ass cake doe

>She walks over to your bedside, in her hands… a can of condensed milk?.

>Mamma Sage always used to let you lick the spoon when she stirred that stuff in!

>She innocently hands you the can.

>Maybe one more slice wouldn’t hurt.

>She smiles as you pour some of that goodness on your chocolate.

>You’re drizzling it all over.

>Taking a spoon to the cake, you guide it slowly to your mouth.

>Mama Sage always used to feed you.

>Femmy seems overjoyed that she shared her cake with you that her smile is twitching.

>You let the chocolate goodness slip into your mouth.

>Letting the creamy syrup send your taste buds into a sugar shock.

>Doublenice.

>White milk and brown chocolate together.

>This is how the world should be.

>Pure and sweet.

>You kick back and let the cake digest.

>Femanon looks excited.

 

Femanon

>He did it.

>He ate it.

>He ate it!

>No clones.

>No freaky doppelgangers.

>No second chances.

>You can hardly contain your enjoyment.

>You’re free!

>For real this time.

>You sit on the edge of the bed and stare at him.

>Waiting until he falls over in pain.

>And when he finally realizes what has happened, it’ll be too late.

>He’ll be gone.

>He’ll be out of your hair.

>You’ll live a peaceful life in Equestria that doesn’t require fixing his mistakes.

>Ten minutes of silence pass.

>Then twenty.

>The fuck?

>Then thirty.

>What’s going on?

>He should be crying right now, clutching his stomach in pain.

>He should be foaming at the mouth, unable to breath.

>Why the fuck is this imbecile still breathing?

>”You haven’t eaten any of the cake yet, Anon.”

>Mr. Cake says nervously.

>What?

>”It’s a special cake. We had some very special ingredients from the Everfree Forest in it.”

>Special… ingredients?

>That’s not-... it can’t possibly...

>Your spirit shatters.

>You quietly ask Mr. Cake to leave.

>You can’t deal with this shit right now.

>You raise your hand to a flinching Sage.

“You….”

>You can barely breathe.

“D-don’t… say anything... to me. Just eat the cake… and go to sleep.”

>You walk over to your bed, collapse in it, and outwardly cry.

>Inwardly, your heart lets out a screaming wail of devastation.

 

Sage

>You’re surprised.

>She’s not doing her almighty day-ending yell.

>It’s a sad, sobbing cry.

>You try to ask her what’s wrong.

“J-just go away...”

>Why?

“G-get out!”

>Bitch tosses a pillow.

>Don’t need no magic to dodge that one.

>But you do as she says.

>Maybe she just doesn’t like chocolate?

>A lot of people don’t like chocolate.

>You ask her if she wants the condensed milk instead.

>She pauses a bit before groaning again.

>Okay,so she doesn’t have a sweet tooth at all.

>Can’t be helped.

>You float the cake over into the refrigerator, moving all leftovers to the right.

>Rightovers.

>You write down on a piece of paper and stick it onto the fridge.

“Femmy,

Cake is in the fridge. I’ll be playing Skyrim. Love ya. Sweet dreams.”

 

/thread