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CYOA DUO - The Sage and Femanon Show

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>Day Bad Sitcom in Equestria
>With Sage and Femanon
>Celestia thought it’d be wise to have the only two humans in the world as roommates.
>What she didn’t realize is that one was magical and the other was just... normal.
>And the normal one hates the magical one’s guts.
>Either way, the two of them are stuck together in connected rooms in a hotel next to Sugarcube Corner.
>Be Sage
>You’re running as fast as you can.
>You might have stolen some things.
>Scratch that, a lot of things.
>From that awful rich p0ny Fancy Pants
>Guards are chasing you down the pier.
>You jingle a pair of keys.
>They’re for Fancy Pant’s fucking fancy yacht.
>All you need is a single smooth ride down the river to Ponyville.
>Wait until Femmy sees this
>Be Femanon.
>You’re minding your own business right now.
>While sage is doing fuck knows what, you’re doing the smart thing.
>Paying for the both of you.
>Your rent.
>By working at Sugarcube Corner.
>Pinkie’s been spending the entire afternoon teaching you how to bake cakes.
>You have no idea what the hell you’re doing, just that you’ve made about thirty or so bad batches.
>This one is different.
>You’ve followed the Cake’s recipe to the letter.
>Triple fudge chocolate supreme.
>This is going to work.
>You patiently wait as the cake is baking in the oven.
>All is going better than expected.
>Until you hear a loud as fuck scream from outside.
“The hell?”
>Be Sage
>Going down the river like a motherfucking speedy salmon on cocaine.
>It’s been smooth sailing so far.
>The guards stopped chasing you a while ago.
>You notice something floating ahead.
>Is that a-
>DAM?
>You let out the girliest scream you can muster.
>”What in the world?”
>Fluttershy walks out just in time to see her precious aquatic woodeaters flying through the air.
>She lets out a scream louder than a jumbo jet.
“Sorry Fluttershy!”
>You speed down the river.
>Getting ever closer to your goal.
>Ever closer to Femmy’s surprised face.
>You can see Sugarcube Corner in the distance.
>Wait
>There’s Femmy!
>You walk out to the stern and drop anchor.
Femanon
>You can’t believe your eyes.
>It’s a boat.
>A giant ship.
“Is that a yacht?”
>You wonder what the hell it’s doing here.
>But you’ve got a feeling you already know.
>Pinkie looks outside.
>”Anon, the cake is burning!”
>You grumble.
“Can you get it Pinkie?”
>She gives you a salute.
>You have someone you need to see.
>You walk down to the river.
>On the bow, waving to you.
>It’s your dumbass roommate, Sage.
“Do I even want to know where you got the ship from?”
Sage
“Haha, it doesn’t matter! I just paid our rent next week. And for years to come!”
>You wait to see her happy expression.
>It doesn’t come.
>Instead she sighs.
>”Sage, where did you get the boat?”
>She looks pissed.
>Maybe this was a bad idea.
“I... uh, borrowed it.”
>”From?”
“My... rich uncle, yes my rich uncle.”
>”We’re stranded in a world filled with ponies. You don’t have an uncle here.”
>She looks even madder than before.
>Probably because of your stupid lie.
>You run back to the stern.
>You cast a levitation spell to pull up the anchor.
“Well it was nice chatting... But I have to go see my... mother.”
>”What mother?!”
>You kick it into high gear.
>Let’s get the fuck out of here!
Femanon
>Uncles? Mothers?
>The fuck is wrong with this guy?
>Did he go around stealing? Again?
>You’re getting really sick of him playing Robin Hood?
>You chase after the speeding boat.
>You don’t know how far the river goes, but it can’t be that far, can it?
>After a while, your legs tire out.
>You collapse in the riverbed.
>Damn it Sage.
>Whatever.
>You’ll clean up his mess later.
>He’s gotta turn up eventually, and when he does, you’ll be sure to give him a swift beating.
>You decide to go back to Sugarcube Corner.
>Pinkie sighs.
>”Well Femmy, you did your best...”
>You look at the grossly burnt cake in front of you.
>Damn it.
>Well, did it at least taste good?
>”It’s not the best triple chocolate cake I’ve ever had. But it’s pretty good, especially all the itty-bitty chocolaty unburny-bits!”
>She cuts off a lightly burnt slice.
>And sprays hot sauce all over it.
>”Want some?”
“Pass.”
>You open another recipe book.
>”You still want another go? Anon, maybe this isn’t for you...”
>You aren’t having it.
>As much as it pains you to use stereotypes, you’re a girl, damn it!
>What sort of girl doesn’t know how to bake a cake? Or cook?
>You could imagine what sage would say.
>”A useless one.”
>The voice in your head is pissing you off.
Sage
>Damn it.
>Can’t that girl learn to have some fun?
>Why is she always so upset with you?
>You thought girls just wanted to have fun
>Isn’t that how the song goes?
>With your superpowers, her hanging out with you should be a blast!
>But she always manages to be a naggy buzzkill.
>Always so boring.
>So what if what you do is a little illegal?
>You guys are roommates and you should be together.
>Well, not be together together, just...
>The two of you should hang out.
>Right?
Sage
>Well, nothing can be done about it now.
>Maybe you should just follow this river out to the ocean?
>You could go fishing.
>Or treasure hunting.
>That’s it, you’re going treasure hunting.
>Damned be Anon if she tries to get in your way.
>Not that she could catch you, you’re on a motherfucking boat.
>You head out towards the ocean.
>After some searching, you finally find some scuba gear.
>Of course Fancy Pants has scuba gear.
>But it’s not quite up to par with your human body.
>You adjust it with your magic.
>You suit up and dive into the vast ocean.
>A long afternoon of searching awaits.
Femanon
>You spent the rest of the afternoon trying to perfect your baking skills
>Correction, trying to prevent the bakery from burning down.
>After one too many fires, the Cakes send you home.
>You plop on your bed, tired.
>You watch as a waterlogged magician walks into your room.
“Where exactly have you been?”
>”The ocean! I went treasure hunting and I found some shells and shit.”
“Treasure hunting? Do ponies even have buried treasure?”
>”Let’s hope they do because I may have hidden some goods down under. Arr!”
>You blink.
>The fuck?
>Do not want.
“Take a shower. Rarity has that thing tonight, remember? The debutante ball with Sweetie Belle?”
>”Oh yeah, the thing with the rest of those munchkins?”
>Fillies.
“They’re called fillies. Not that you care to learn equestrian terms, but fuck... they’re fillies.”
>”You’re a filly.”
>Sage walks off to the bathroom.
“Nice comeback.”
>You call after him.
>You make a mental note to ask for a new roommate next time you see Celestia.
>Twilight Sparkle would be better.
>Hell, Rainbow Dash even.
>At least he wasn’t fully sleeping in the same room as you.
>Just joined suites.
>And he just so managed to remove the lock on the door.
>Fucking magic.
Sage
>After a nice shower, you put on that fancy three-piece suit Rarity made for you.
>Tailor made, to perfection.
>And it costed a pretty penny, but whatever!
>You’re an advocate of only the best and finest.
>You walk out of your bedroom to see a prettied up Femmy
>You also caught yourself staring at her fine tits
>You quickly look away.
>Naughty Sage
>Now is not the time to be thinking like that
>Maybe just one more look.
>She folds her arms over each other.
>Damn it.
“You ready to go?”
>”Yeah.”
>Her voice is monotone. Disinterested.
“So which mare are you taking? Am I picking her up?”
>”... mare? Dude, I’m not into girls.”
“C’mon, take a joke Femmy. Humor me.”
>She rolls her eyes.
>”We’re supposed to meet Pinkie outside soon.”
“Alright, alright, let me just grab my wallet and we’ll go.”
>You walk out of the hotel to find the bubbly pink pony waiting in a “sweet” dress.
>The only thing missing from her ensemble is a caramel apple.
>”Oh my gosh, are you super exited? I”m super excited. For Rarity! And Sweetie Belle too! Do you know what a debutante is? It’s her big debut! She’s finally going to have a party all to herself about how amazingly-super-sparkly-adorable she is! Do you think she’ll sing for us? Ya know, she has a really sweet voice. I guess that’s why her name is Sweetie Belle.”
>”Yes, Pinkie. We know.”
>”Ooh, maybe she’ll get her cutie mark at the ball! How amazingly perfect could that be?”
>Someone.
>Just kill you.
>Now.
>Fuck she is annoying.
>You look at Femanon.
>She doesn’t seem to mind.
>Or maybe she’s just really good at hiding her emotions.
Sage
>The three of you arrive at the ball.
>The boutique is just the place for such an occasion.
>It’s all tidied up.
>Classy decor.
>Nothing too festive.
>Though you could tell that Pinkie Pie was wanting to decorate a bit.
>”Hey Femmy, want a drink?”
Femanon
>You turn to look at Sage.
>He hands you a drink.
>It spills all over your dress.
>You sigh.
“Dammit.”
>You’re not going to get angry.
>Not this time.
>Not here.
>You grab a linen cloth on a table nearby and pat yourself dry.
>At least it didn’t stain.
>Smelled kinda strange though.
>What is that, white wine?
>You take another cup from the table and sip it.
>Fuck, that’s strong.
>But it’s sweet, and doesn’t have an aftertaste.
>No one in Equestria seemed to care for drinking ages.
>Welp, looks like you know what you’re doing.
>”Sage! Anon! Pinkie! Darlings, please won’t you join us?”
>You turn to see Rarity.
>She’s motioning for you to come to her table.
>Sweetie Belle, and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders are there.
>Sweetie Belle doesn’t look too happy.
>She’s stuffed in a tiny dress.
>Tons of gaudy make up.
>This was supposed to make her look attractive?
>You questioned Rarity sometimes.
>You sit there peacefully.
>P0nies around you are talking.
>Apparently they are talking about Sage.
>You look over and see him doing magic tricks.
>Basic, sleight of hand, human magic tricks.
>The fuck?
>He can do real magic.
>Your mind begins to wonder.
>If you killed Sage tonight, would anyone notice?
>Or care for that matter?
>He seems to be the jester of the town, causing trouble that you had to fix.
>You could probably get away and blame it on aristocratic jealousy.
>There were quite a few earth ponies here, probably from Canterlot, that would have wanted his magic.
>Or killed him since he was misusing his.
>But how?
>You sip your wine.
>You blink.
>Alcohol poisoning should do the trick.
>Do p0nies have proper treatment for that?
>Probably not. They don’t even have a legal drinking age.
>It’s perfect.
Sage
>At the ball.
>News Flash: It’s boring as fuck.
>Talking to all of these pretentious, wealthy snobs is life-draining.
>Gotta take a leak.
>You take your opportunity to leave and excuse yourself.
>You go the bathroom and start pissing in the sink, cause fuck.
>Pony bathrooms are awkward as fuck.
>While pissing, you get a great idea.
>Your best idea of the night.
>You use your magic to create a doppelganger.
>Picture perfect copy of yourself.
>He can enjoy this snorefest.
>You then go home and play some Dragon’s Crown.
>Genius
Sage doppelganger
>You exit the bathroom and take your seat.
>Some stallion screams and runs out of the bathroom.
>You chuckle.
>”You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
>Femanon doesn’t look too happy.
>”Listen, just sit down. This thing is only for an hour. I don’t want you embarrassing me. Any time you feel like doing something stupid, any time you want to take a fucking breath, just stay quiet, keep your trap shut, and drink something. Got that?”
>Every time you breathe?
>Shit, that’s a lot.
>You find yourself drinking every few seconds.
>Breathing and drinking.
>”Sage, are you alright? Your face is positively red.”
>Eventually, you black out.
Femanon
>Ha! It worked.
>He’s out cold.
>And probably dead in a couple of hours.
>Ponies start to gather around his unmoving body.
>You finish your glass of wine, pour yourself another, and drink that too.
>”Uhh, Anon, is there something wrong with him?”
>You look at Sage.
>He’s lying face down on the table.
“Sorry... he gets this way when he drinks way too much. I’ll get him out of your hair.”
>You excuse yourself and carry him out.
>And then promptly place him behind the bushes outside the boutique.
>Face up.
>Where he can drown in his own vomit for all you care.
>You break off your heels, cause fuck pumps, and walk back to your room.
>You laugh.
>You’re free.
>”FUCKING DEMONS!”
>You blink.
>That sounds like Sage.
>You peer your head through the doorway between your rooms.
>”Again?”
>You do a double take.
>And a triple one, just in case.
>Isn’t he supposed to be-...
>Didn’t you just leave him?
>Fuck.
Femanon
>You close the door.
>Just in case.
>Maybe it’s the wine?
>Causing you to hallucinate?
>You take a deep breath, and open the door.
>He’s still there.
”You... I-... I just- we... AAAAAAGH!”
>You throw your hands up in defeat.
>Knowing him, he probably just made a copy of himself.
>Great.
>You killed the lesser of his brain cells.
>Not that he had any.
>You walk over to your bed, collapse in it, and inwardly cry.
>Outwardly, you just wail a devastated scream.
Sage
“I fucking hate this game… Why did I conjure this one?”
“FUCKING DEMONS”
>Continue playing, ready to ragequit
>This game sucks more than that dragon dildo you gave to Femmy as a gift for Christmas.
>You look over to see Femmy open the door.
>She starts babbling nonsense
>The fuck is her problem?
>She throws her arms up
>You beat her at something.
>But what?
>Fuck it.
>Continue playing
>You hear Femmy scream that daily scream
>The scream that lets you know that the day is over
>Bedtime.
/thread
Episode 2: OPtimistic guest starring as Sage.
(note, OPtimistic has a different writing format that we’re keeping for his sake)
>Be Femanon.
>You’re at Sweet Apple Acres, helping Applejack pick apples.
>She’s injured her leg after a small mishap with Sage.
>You carefully climb a small tree.
>You never really were good at climbing.
>You reach out and grab an apple, before losing your balance and falling.
>The orange pony breaks your fall.
>”Anon, why can’t ya just buck the trees? It’d sure save ya a lot of hassle and me from gettin’ any more bruises.”
>You sigh.
>You’ve picked maybe a few dozen apples over the course of five hours.
>She would have had the entire orchard cleared in seconds.
“I’m not a pony, Applejack. I can’t just kick a tree and make apples rain. Humans aren’t nearly that strong.”
>Applejack sighs.
>”I appreciate your help sugarcube, but we’re not gettin’ very far. Maybe I should get Rarity or Twilight to help instead?”
“Rarity is sick, and Twilight is…”
>You blink.
>Where is Twilight?
>Be Sage.
>You’re running like hell away from a purple unicorn.
>”Sage, wait!”
>Twilight gallops after you.
>”I’m not trying to hurt you!”
>The hell she isn’t!
>You saw needles and everything in the basement of the library.
>You’re willing to bet that her “analysis” involves some sort of probing.
>Femanon must have put her up to this.
“You’re not touching me with that stupid machine!”
>”It’s not stupid!”
>You throw some hay bales from a cart at her to slow her down.
>She narrowly dodges one.
>And walks straight into another.
>Direct hit!
>Score, twenty points!
>You pump a fist into the air and run off.
>Those things weighed like 50 pounds, easy.
>She’s gotta be unconscious.
>Ah well.
>You pluck a stray straw from your shirt and chew on the end.
>A thought hits you.
>You haven’t seen Femmy all day.
>Where is she?
Sage
>Maybe she went to the hotel?
>Even if she wasn’t there, you’d see her come home eventually.
>You look behind you.
>No purple unicorn in sight.
>You slow your pace down and head into Sugarcube Corner.
>The smell of chocolate cake and sweets makes you drool.
>Maybe you should bring cake home with you.
>Put a big giant one in Femmy’s room.
>With lots of frosting.
>Ooh, and ice cream!
>Girls love ice cream cake.
>You nod.
>Yeah, let’s go with that.
>”Hey there Sage! What would you like today?”
>Mrs. Cake greets you warmly, as always.
>You smile.
“One of your finest ice cream cakes please.”
>She smiles and disappears into the kitchen.
>The baking pony comes back with a double layer cake the size of your head.
>You hand her a few bits.
>Fantastic.
>Now all you need is cast an enlargement spell.
>You carry the cake back to your room, and kick open the door to Femmy’s side.
>Wait a sec.
>You set the cake down.
>You don’t know of any enlargement spells.
>You could summon a certain bottle of enlarging pills, but that wouldn’t work on a cake.
>You scratch your head.
>Wait.
>Idea!
>You slam the door, snap your fingers, do some jazz hands, and reopen it.
>A sudden wave of heat hits you.
>Purple smoke swirls around you.
>You reach in and grab a pony, and slam the door.
>The pony stares at you in surprise.
>You tell him what’s going on.
>”You want me to cast a spell to make this cake bigger?”
>You nod your head furiously.
>The red unicorn pony sighs.
>”Such a waste of my time…”
“What? Don’t devil ponies know how to do that?”
>”Yes… but it’ll cost you.”
Femanon
>You remember that you asked her a favor yesterday.
>To babysit Sage for a couple of hours while you helped Applejack.
>She was supposed to come get you an hour ago.
>You sigh.
“I’ll go get Twilight. You should just relax for now Applejack.”
>”Don’t you worry about me Anon. I’m perfectly fine. Look, my leg is all better!”
>She tries bucking a tree.
>And falls flat on her face.
>Yeah.
>Totally better.
“Just sit tight.”
>You pat dirt off of you and walk back into town.
>You see a small crowd gathering around a cart.
>Huh?
>What’s going on? Is there an accident?
>You push your way through.
>And see a purple pony clutching her head.
“Twilight?”
>She’s leaning against a hay bale.
>You walk over to her.
>”Anon? Wh-... huh?”
>She looks a little crosseyed.
“What happened?”
>”I-... Sage threw a hay bale at me.”
>He did what?
>Those things are like 50 pounds and Twilight looks like she was hit in the face.
>She could have a concussion.
“Fucking Sage...”
>You carefully help her up.
“Let’s get you to emergency care.”
>She doesn’t protest.
Sage
>Let's make this cake bigger.
>Fuckin' Lulu ult or someshit.
>What's it gonna cost?
>Not like you have any money or anything.
>Cake's some really expensive shit.
"You're going to have to pay with a month off of your life."
>Um...
>Deal.
"W-what? So decisive!"
>Pff... if Femmy wants a cake, she's getting a fuckin' cake.
"Are you absolutely sure?"
>What's a month off of your life?
>Not like you're gonna know or anything.
"One month is a long time... You know what you could accomplish?"
>Jack shit, you're gonna be old!
>Remember the last time an old guy tried to accomplish anything?
>How'd you get your powers again?
"Alright then... you're actually going to need to help me."
>Nigga, you're stacked to the max.
>You pat your needlessly large rod in your pocket.
>Ready to help in any way.
Femanon
>You help Twilight over to the medical tent.
>You keep her focused on you, making sure she doesn’t fall unconscious or anything.
>What the hell was Sage thinking? Twilight could be seriously injured right now!
>You call out to one of the nurses and leave the poor purple pony in her care.
>You turn on your heel and start stomping towards the hotel.
>Because if anything, Sage will be there.
>Probably playing video games, or doing something incredibly stupid and unproductive.
>Your fingers are crossed that he’s there.
>Because if he is?
>Holy shit.
>You’re going to wreck him.
>Absolutely tear him to bits.
>Give him a concussion of his own.
Sage
>You’re battling a nigger in space.
>If that’s what it takes to bake a pretty cake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdaOT72ieXs
>Should be a piece of cake.
>Um… uh…
>Jk, you’re on the ground… drawing a pentagram in condensed milk.
>You gotta make it pretty.
>Pretty pentagrams make for a cool cake.
“Good… good! Everything’s going to plan.”
>And… the door’s rumbling!
>Looks like Femmy couldn’t resist your chocolatey goodness.
>Shit, but the cake’s not ready yet!
>You try to draw a little faster.
Femanon
>You storm into you room.
>Three things catch your eye.
>Cake.
>Condensed milk fucking everywhere on the floor.
>And a red pony with cartoon-styled devilish ears and tail.
>Dafuq?
“... what are you doing?”
>”Happy… um… birthday! I got you a cake!”
“Birthday? It’s not my birthday. You know that… I’ve told you like fourteen times or something.”
>“You’re fourteen today?!”
“... I’ve told you fourteen times when my birthday is. WHICH IS NOT TODAY!”
>He shuts up.
>You huff and take a deep breath.
“Look, I get it. You’re an idiot. Just explain to me what the fuck you’re doing in-... what you’re doing to my room?”
Sage
>Wait, not her birthday?
>Holy shit, what day is it?
>September… kinda sounds like August, right?
>Almost.
“Well?”
>You tell her how you bought her a cake for her not-birthday.
>And summoned a pony to make it bigger
[spoiler]>Same post?
>Lol, you try writing this shit.[/spoiler]
>She looks furious.
“I don’t want it.”
>Bitch don’t love no cake?
>Ah hell nah.
>You press her further, she better have this cake.
>Mary Antoinette’s having some.
“For the last time, no. I’m not having any cake!”
>You spent some serious dinero on this shit.
>She facepalms, sighs, and storms off.
>Well… you’ve got a unlarged cake… and a demon pony.
>Don’t forget a shit ton of condensed milk.
>You twiddle your thumbs.
Femanon
>Fuck this.
>You’re not about to deal with his shit right now.
>You storm away.
>Fucking buying a cake.
>For what reason?
>You blink.
>Wait, did he say buy?
>... with what money?
>You rummage around in your pockets.
>Son of a…
>You dash back into your room.
>He’s still there, on his knees, face to the floor.
“Did you steal money from me? Again?”
>The can of condensed milk is in his hands… next to his face.
Sage
>Wow… this smells fantasmic.
>Even better than that one time you…
>Uh…
>Yeah, better than that!
>You try to get a better smell of it.
>Oh fuck too close.
>Shit goes in your nose, and down your throat or whatever.
>Oh shit! What if that gets into your lungs?
>Meanwhile, Femmy’s over there tapping her foot like this is some kind of DDR level.
“Answer me, you dolt!”
>Oh… that was her money?
>You thought the cleaning pony left a tip!
>Cheap immigrant labor.
>Not even leaving tips.
“A tip? It was in my wallet, in MY ROOM!”
>That… was hers? You try to tell her sorry.
“... you’re dead!”
>She’s closing the distance on you.
>She wants a hug!
Femanon
>You leap at him and throw a punch to his face.
>”Ow!”
>He uses his magic to phase through your arms.
>That little...!
>You whip around and throw your fist at his back.
>And… you’ve hit nothing but air.
“Get back here Sage!”
>He can hurt Twilight.
>He can trash your room.
>He can even make you miserable without even trying.
>But he went through your stuff.
>And he’s going to pay.
>You run outside of the hotel and look around.
>But he’s gone.
>Fuck!
Sage
>Whew… thank fuck for TP.
>Shit…. 5 minute cooldown.
>Where are you, anyways?
>Not at a ward.
>Not at a tower.
>You take a look around… and you see a giant castle.
>Canterlot Castle?
>Bitchin.
>Now she’s gonna have to work for that hug.
>You meander through the city streets.
>It’s reached that point in the day where the streets are pretty bustling.
>But… you stick out like a hot girl at a [spoiler]brony convention[/spoiler]
>Wait, what does that even mean?
>Eh, whatever.
>Time for some fun.
>Maybe a little Robin Hood action?
>You waltz down the main street peering through stalls and vendors.
Femanon
>He’s gone.
>You breathe. In. Out.
>Fuck.
>You need to cool off.
>Sage is really starting to get to you.
>You’re lucky this time it was just a cake.
>But he stole this month’s rent.
>And wasted it.
>Damn it!
>You walk through Ponyville.
>This idiot is terrible.
>How can Celestia expect you to live with him?
>You blink.
>Sage just hurt Twilight.
>He also just summoned a devil pony.
>How can Celestia not listen to you after that?
>You sprint towards the library and break down the door.
“Spike!”
>”AHHH!”
>The dragon dives for cover behind some books.
>”Wha- huh? Anon?”
“Spike. I need you to write a letter to Celestia. Now.”
>He stares at you.
>”Why?”
“Now!”
>The dragon jumps.
>He grabs a quill and scroll and unravels it nervously.
>”Uh… okay…”
“Princess Celestia. I have a request that I need to be addressed, as soon as possible.”
>Spike nervously scribbles down as you dictate.
“Sage is out of control. I found him destroying my room and stealing from my belongings. He’s summoned a devil, and he’s even gone and hurt Twilight! He must be dealt with immediately.”
Sage
>Time to give to the rich and steal from the poor!
>Oh… did I get that right?
>Give to the steel and pour to the rich!
>You start to ask around.
>Anybody know where Blueblood lives?
>Some really slim and shady looking pony guy looks at you.
“Ah can show you.”
>Sweet!
>You follow him around, through dungeons deep and caverns old.
>As you reach… what seems to be a decent manor, Slim Shady over here turns around and squints at you.
“You tryna steal something? I’ve been casin’ the joint for days now.”
>He’s walking close to you. Gettin up in yo’ grill.
“Man, you’d best step off my job, bruh.”
>He’s getting real friendly right now.
>Sleepy wave!
>You jazz hands in front of his eyes.
>And Slim Shady just became Slim Sleepy.
>You’ve got a beautiful looking residence in front of you…
>Not to mention a sleeping gangster.
Femanon
>”Uh, Anon? There isn’t a single request in this letter.”
“Just send it.”
>Spike grumbles and sends the letter.
>You continue doing breathing exercises.
>Crap.
>Not helping.
>You need a drink.
>You go into the kitchen and start looking around.
“Spike? Do you have anything mindnumbing to drink?”
>He looks at you.
>”N-no.”
>He burps up a letter.
>A response!
“Anonymous. Twilight Sparkle is my personal student and a very capable pony. She should be fine. I will look into the demon matter, thank you for bringing this to my attention. However I have a more pressing matter at hand here in Canterlot involving a prince, so I will have to address your request at a later time. -Princess Celestia.”
“WHAT?!”
>You feel like you’re going to faint.
“Spike, I need that drink now…”
Sage
>You Solid Snake your way into the manor.
>First… an unlocking spell on the front gate.
>He’s never gonna expect that one.
>You pass through the front gate, giving your back a check
>Oh shit. You forgot someone was taking a nap!
>You drag his body somewhere a little more comfortable.
>That mat looks pretty soft.
>You lay him down gently on the welcome mat.
>There we go. Now he can have a good dream.
>Comfy bed, comfy dream.
>Taking a look through a window, you see nobody.
>Time to Danny Phantom.
>You phase shift through. Time to play.
>You begin running through the mansion, as quietly as you can.
>Paradoxes lel
>And… you pocket anything that can fit in your robe.
>Arc of the Covenant.
>Holy Grail
>Sip until your cup runneth over.
>Nope, not today.
>You pick up one more golden object…
>And you can’t move?
>You drop the golden object, and you can move again.
>Fucking overencumberance game mechanics.
“Halt, who goes there?”
>Not an invisible guy. Definitely not.
“Huh? O-okay then.”
>Time to go.
>And you’ve got a robeload of treasure, heading out to the front door.
>You feel something heavy fall out.
>Oh shit.
>Now’s not the time, you gotta fuckin’ bounce.
>The sleepy pony stirs.
>And you don’t wanna find out if he had a bad dream or not.
>I mean, you tried, but… oh well.
>But he’s sleeping on the most important object of all!
>The welcome mat.
>You grab his arm and try to pull.
“Hold it right there, criminal scum!”
>You freeze, Slim Shady in hand.
“Thank you, kind sir, for stopping this hoodlum!”
>Nuh problem brah.
“Ey man, I didn’t do nothin!”
>You walk away fiddling some coin in your hand.
Femanon
>You reread the letter again.
>She cannot be serious.
>She’s ignoring you completely.
>Doesn’t she understand how incredibly awful Sage is?
>How he’s literally killing off every single fiber of motivation and happiness you have left?
>How he’s fucking up and hurting people in Ponyville?
>He fucking got Rarity sick.
>Sprained Applejack’s hoof with a “prank”
>And gave Twilight a concussion.
>He’s already killed the greater part of your sanity.
>You dejectedly trudge to your room back in your hotel and stare at the stained carpeting.
>Oh god.
>He drew a pentagram.
>No, that’s it.
>You have to do it.
>You have to remove him from the picture.
>You notice the can of condensed milk is still sitting on the ground.
>... maybe you could poison him?
>I mean, yeah… he already drank himself to death once.
>Though it wasn’t actually him…
>He’s not too bright. Poison could work.
>You look around and find some laundry detergent that the idiot magicked up one night.
>That’ll work.
>You pour a significant amount into the can and set it on his bedside table.
>Now you just have to wait.
Sage
>Let’s head back in there.
>You see the guard hall off the drowsy pony … somewhere.
>Hopefully to a better place where he can sleep.
>Floorsleeping isn’t comfy.
>Just ask Femmy.
>You go through the neighhhh borhood.
[spoiler]muh puns[/spoiler]
>You find a decent apartment complex.
>The clerk up front stops you.
“Hello there, are you new here?”
>Um… kinda.
>You’re just visiting a friend.
“Who is it?”
>You… um…
>X-ray vision!
>You’re staring at his dick.
>You look back up at a registry. Seeing lists of names.
>Banquet sign in from a month ago?
>Which one sounds fanciest?
>Celestia.
”The princess? You’re friends with the Princess?”
>Uh… yeah, sure, let’s go with that.
“Oh my…”
>The clerk calls a royal guard over.
>Stiff and quiet here mindlessly leads you to the castle.
>Damn son.
>This shit’s dope.
>You spot a golden vase in the lobby and pocket it in your robe.
“Sage? What wonderful timing.”
>Sunbutt say wut?
“I received a letter from your companion, Anonymous.”
>Aww… she’s writing about you?
>She really does care.
“Do you have any idea what this could be about? Devil summoning? An attack on Twilight Sparkle?”
>Not ringing any bells.
[spoiler]>Well, at least I can’t remember that far back.[/spoiler]
“Anonymous… she must be under some stress. Sage?”
>You stand up straight.
“Do me a favor and make sure she’s happy. Bring her a cake. On me.”
>She writes a royal decree ordering a large chocolate cake.
>Oh… wouldja look at that… TP’s off cooldown.
>Back home!
>You zoop on over to the hotel, and jog right on over to Sugarcube Corner.
>Did Applejack name this place?
>You’ve got the voucher in hand.
Femanon
>”Oh my goodness! A royal decree?”
>You hear a voice from next door.
>Is that Mrs. Cake?
>”I have just the thing!”
>Royal decree?
>What does she mean by that?
>You have no idea.
>Do you even care?
>Not rea- wait.
>The letter.
>Why would Princess Celestia order something from the Cakes?
>Is that what royal matter the princess was talking about?
>You groan.
>So apparently, cake is more important to her royal highness than the wellbeing of a lowly, pathetic, girl.
>Fuck.
>That makes you angry.
>Angry enough to give Celestia a verbal flip off.
>You’re going to have Spike send another letter.
>You get up and open the door.
>Only to see a giant cake flood your field of view.
>”Anon!”
>Mr. Cake seems to be struggling, carrying the enormous thing.
>You step back and away, giving him room to bring it in.
>You see a slice has already been cut out of it.
>Why the fuck is a cake being delivered to your door?
>”Compliments of Princess Celestia.”
>You hear a voice say.
>You turn and look at your magical human friend.
>He smacks his lips and licks his fingers.
“So delicious.”
>He’s not a friend.
>He’s an enemy.
Sage
>She looks happy! Sweet.
>Cake was a great and original idea.
>Celestia’s so smart.
>Why couldn’t you think of that?
>That cake was definitely not a lie.
>[spoiler]#2chaaaaainz[/spoiler]
>Real niggas say word.
>You cut a slice from the top tier and put it on a plate, handing it to Femmy.
“...”
>It’s from Celestia! Take some!
“I-... uh…”
>S-she… doesn’t want any?
“I’m… flattered? I don’t know what to-.... why don’t you have some?”
>Her voice sounds a little off.
>You already had some… and you’re pretty stuffed.
>It’s some good ass cake doe
>She walks over to your bedside, in her hands… a can of condensed milk?.
>Mamma Sage always used to let you lick the spoon when she stirred that stuff in!
>She innocently hands you the can.
>Maybe one more slice wouldn’t hurt.
>She smiles as you pour some of that goodness on your chocolate.
>You’re drizzling it all over.
>Taking a spoon to the cake, you guide it slowly to your mouth.
>Mama Sage always used to feed you.
>Femmy seems overjoyed that she shared her cake with you that her smile is twitching.
>You let the chocolate goodness slip into your mouth.
>Letting the creamy syrup send your taste buds into a sugar shock.
>Doublenice.
>White milk and brown chocolate together.
>This is how the world should be.
>Pure and sweet.
>You kick back and let the cake digest.
>Femanon looks excited.
Femanon
>He did it.
>He ate it.
>He ate it!
>No clones.
>No freaky doppelgangers.
>No second chances.
>You can hardly contain your enjoyment.
>You’re free!
>For real this time.
>You sit on the edge of the bed and stare at him.
>Waiting until he falls over in pain.
>And when he finally realizes what has happened, it’ll be too late.
>He’ll be gone.
>He’ll be out of your hair.
>You’ll live a peaceful life in Equestria that doesn’t require fixing his mistakes.
>Ten minutes of silence pass.
>Then twenty.
>The fuck?
>Then thirty.
>What’s going on?
>He should be crying right now, clutching his stomach in pain.
>He should be foaming at the mouth, unable to breath.
>Why the fuck is this imbecile still breathing?
>”You haven’t eaten any of the cake yet, Anon.”
>Mr. Cake says nervously.
>What?
>”It’s a special cake. We had some very special ingredients from the Everfree Forest in it.”
>Special… ingredients?
>That’s not-... it can’t possibly-....
>Your spirit shatters.
>You quietly ask Mr. Cake to leave.
>You can’t deal with this shit right now.
>You raise your hand to a flinching Sage.
“You….”
>You can barely breathe.
“D-don’t… say anything... to me. Just eat the cake… and go to sleep.”
>You walk over to your bed, collapse in it, and outwardly cry.
>Inwardly, your heart lets out a screaming wail of devastation.
Sage
>You’re surprised.
>She’s not doing her almighty day-ending yell.
>It’s a sad, sobbing cry.
>You try to ask her what’s wrong.
“J-just go away...”
>Why?
“G-get out!”
>Bitch tosses a pillow.
>Don’t need no magic to dodge that one.
>But you do as she says.
>Maybe she just doesn’t like chocolate?
>A lot of people don’t like chocolate.
>You ask her if she wants the condensed milk instead.
>She pauses a bit before groaning again.
>Okay,so she doesn’t have a sweet tooth at all.
>Can’t be helped.
>You float the cake over into the refrigerator, moving all leftovers to the right.
>Rightovers.
>You write down on a piece of paper and stick it onto the fridge.
“Femmy,
Cake is in the fridge. I’ll be playing Skyrim. Love ya. Sweet dreams.”
/thread

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data

>Day Bad Sitcom in Equestria
>With Sage and Femanon
>Celestia thought it’d be wise to have the only two humans in the world as roommates.
>What she didn’t realize is that one was magical and the other was just... normal.
>And the normal one hates the magical one’s guts.
>Either way, the two of them are stuck together in connected rooms in a hotel next to Sugarcube Corner.

>Be Sage
>You’re running as fast as you can.
>You might have stolen some things.
>Scratch that, a lot of things.
>From that awful rich p0ny Fancy Pants
>Guards are chasing you down the pier.
>You jingle a pair of keys.
>They’re for Fancy Pant’s fucking fancy yacht.
>All you need is a single smooth ride down the river to Ponyville.
>Wait until Femmy sees this

>Be Femanon.
>You’re minding your own business right now.
>While sage is doing fuck knows what, you’re doing the smart thing.
>Paying for the both of you.
>Your rent.
>By working at Sugarcube Corner.
>Pinkie’s been spending the entire afternoon teaching you how to bake cakes.
>You have no idea what the hell you’re doing, just that you’ve made about thirty or so bad batches.
>This one is different.
>You’ve followed the Cake’s recipe to the letter.
>Triple fudge chocolate supreme.
>This is going to work.
>You patiently wait as the cake is baking in the oven.
>All is going better than expected.
>Until you hear a loud as fuck scream from outside.
“The hell?”

>Be Sage
>Going down the river like a motherfucking speedy salmon on cocaine.
>It’s been smooth sailing so far.
>The guards stopped chasing you a while ago.
>You notice something floating ahead.
>Is that a-
>DAM?
>You let out the girliest scream you can muster.
>”What in the world?”
>Fluttershy walks out just in time to see her precious aquatic woodeaters flying through the air.
>She lets out a scream louder than a jumbo jet.
“Sorry Fluttershy!”
>You speed down the river.
>Getting ever closer to your goal.
>Ever closer to Femmy’s surprised face.
>You can see Sugarcube Corner in the distance.
>Wait
>There’s Femmy!
>You walk out to the stern and drop anchor.


Femanon
>You can’t believe your eyes.
>It’s a boat.
>A giant ship.
“Is that a yacht?”
>You wonder what the hell it’s doing here.
>But you’ve got a feeling you already know.
>Pinkie looks outside.
>”Anon, the cake is burning!”
>You grumble.
“Can you get it Pinkie?”
>She gives you a salute.
>You have someone you need to see.
>You walk down to the river.
>On the bow, waving to you.
>It’s your dumbass roommate, Sage.
“Do I even want to know where you got the ship from?”

Sage
“Haha, it doesn’t matter! I just paid our rent next week. And for years to come!”
>You wait to see her happy expression.
>It doesn’t come.
>Instead she sighs.
>”Sage, where did you get the boat?”
>She looks pissed.
>Maybe this was a bad idea.
“I... uh, borrowed it.”
>”From?”
“My... rich uncle, yes my rich uncle.”
>”We’re stranded in a world filled with ponies. You don’t have an uncle here.”
>She looks even madder than before.
>Probably because of your stupid lie.
>You run back to the stern.
>You cast a levitation spell to pull up the anchor.
“Well it was nice chatting... But I have to go see my... mother.”
>”What mother?!”
>You kick it into high gear.
>Let’s get the fuck out of here!

Femanon
>Uncles? Mothers?
>The fuck is wrong with this guy?
>Did he go around stealing? Again?
>You’re getting really sick of him playing Robin Hood?
>You chase after the speeding boat.
>You don’t know how far the river goes, but it can’t be that far, can it?
>After a while, your legs tire out.
>You collapse in the riverbed.
>Damn it Sage.
>Whatever.
>You’ll clean up his mess later.
>He’s gotta turn up eventually, and when he does, you’ll be sure to give him a swift beating.
>You decide to go back to Sugarcube Corner.
>Pinkie sighs.
>”Well Femmy, you did your best...”
>You look at the grossly burnt cake in front of you.
>Damn it.
>Well, did it at least taste good?
>”It’s not the best triple chocolate cake I’ve ever had. But it’s pretty good, especially all the itty-bitty chocolaty unburny-bits!”
>She cuts off a lightly burnt slice.
>And sprays hot sauce all over it.
>”Want some?”
“Pass.”
>You open another recipe book.
>”You still want another go? Anon, maybe this isn’t for you...”
>You aren’t having it.
>As much as it pains you to use stereotypes, you’re a girl, damn it!
>What sort of girl doesn’t know how to bake a cake? Or cook?
>You could imagine what sage would say.
>”A useless one.”
>The voice in your head is pissing you off.

Sage
>Damn it.
>Can’t that girl learn to have some fun?
>Why is she always so upset with you?
>You thought girls just wanted to have fun
>Isn’t that how the song goes?
>With your superpowers, her hanging out with you should be a blast!
>But she always manages to be a naggy buzzkill.
>Always so boring.
>So what if what you do is a little illegal?
>You guys are roommates and you should be together.
>Well, not be together together, just...
>The two of you should hang out.
>Right?

Sage
>Well, nothing can be done about it now.
>Maybe you should just follow this river out to the ocean?
>You could go fishing.
>Or treasure hunting.
>That’s it, you’re going treasure hunting.
>Damned be Anon if she tries to get in your way.
>Not that she could catch you, you’re on a motherfucking boat.
>You head out towards the ocean.
>After some searching, you finally find some scuba gear.
>Of course Fancy Pants has scuba gear.
>But it’s not quite up to par with your human body.
>You adjust it with your magic.
>You suit up and dive into the vast ocean.
>A long afternoon of searching awaits.

Femanon
>You spent the rest of the afternoon trying to perfect your baking skills
>Correction, trying to prevent the bakery from burning down.
>After one too many fires, the Cakes send you home.
>You plop on your bed, tired.
>You watch as a waterlogged magician walks into your room.
“Where exactly have you been?”
>”The ocean! I went treasure hunting and I found some shells and shit.”
“Treasure hunting? Do ponies even have buried treasure?”
>”Let’s hope they do because I may have hidden some goods down under. Arr!”
>You blink.
>The fuck?
>Do not want.
“Take a shower. Rarity has that thing tonight, remember? The debutante ball with Sweetie Belle?”
>”Oh yeah, the thing with the rest of those munchkins?”
>Fillies.
“They’re called fillies. Not that you care to learn equestrian terms, but fuck... they’re fillies.”
>”You’re a filly.”
>Sage walks off to the bathroom.
“Nice comeback.”
>You call after him.
 >You make a mental note to ask for a new roommate next time you see Celestia.
>Twilight Sparkle would be better.
>Hell, Rainbow Dash even.
>At least he wasn’t fully sleeping in the same room as you.
>Just joined suites.
>And he just so managed to remove the lock on the door.
>Fucking magic.
Sage
>After a nice shower, you put on that fancy three-piece suit Rarity made for you.
>Tailor made, to perfection.
>And it costed a pretty penny, but whatever!
>You’re an advocate of only the best and finest.
>You walk out of your bedroom to see a prettied up Femmy
>You also caught yourself staring at her fine tits
>You quickly look away.
>Naughty Sage
>Now is not the time to be thinking like that
>Maybe just one more look.
>She folds her arms over each other.
>Damn it.
“You ready to go?”
>”Yeah.”
>Her voice is monotone. Disinterested.
“So which mare are you taking? Am I picking her up?”
>”... mare? Dude, I’m not into girls.”
“C’mon, take a joke Femmy. Humor me.”
>She rolls her eyes.
>”We’re supposed to meet Pinkie outside soon.”
“Alright, alright, let me just grab my wallet and we’ll go.”
>You walk out of the hotel to find the bubbly pink pony waiting in a “sweet” dress.
>The only thing missing from her ensemble is a caramel apple.
>”Oh my gosh, are you super exited? I”m super excited. For Rarity! And Sweetie Belle too! Do you know what a debutante is? It’s her big debut! She’s finally going to have a party all to herself about how amazingly-super-sparkly-adorable she is! Do you think she’ll sing for us? Ya know, she has a really sweet voice. I guess that’s why her name is Sweetie Belle.”
>”Yes, Pinkie. We know.”
>”Ooh, maybe she’ll get her cutie mark at the ball! How amazingly perfect could that be?”
>Someone.
>Just kill you.
>Now.
>Fuck she is annoying.
>You look at Femanon.
>She doesn’t seem to mind.
>Or maybe she’s just really good at hiding her emotions.

Sage
>The three of you arrive at the ball.
>The boutique is just the place for such an occasion.
>It’s all tidied up.
>Classy decor.
>Nothing too festive.
>Though you could tell that Pinkie Pie was wanting to decorate a bit.
>”Hey Femmy, want a drink?”

Femanon
>You turn to look at Sage.
>He hands you a drink.
>It spills all over your dress.
>You sigh.
“Dammit.”
>You’re not going to get angry.
>Not this time.
>Not here.
>You grab a linen cloth on a table nearby and pat yourself dry.
>At least it didn’t stain.
>Smelled kinda strange though.
>What is that, white wine?
>You take another cup from the table and sip it.
>Fuck, that’s strong.
>But it’s sweet, and doesn’t have an aftertaste.
>No one in Equestria seemed to care for drinking ages.
>Welp, looks like you know what you’re doing.
>”Sage! Anon! Pinkie! Darlings, please won’t you join us?”
>You turn to see Rarity.
>She’s motioning for you to come to her table.
>Sweetie Belle, and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders are there.
>Sweetie Belle doesn’t look too happy.
>She’s stuffed in a tiny dress.
>Tons of gaudy make up.
>This was supposed to make her look attractive?
>You questioned Rarity sometimes.
>You sit there peacefully.
>P0nies around you are talking.
>Apparently they are talking about Sage.
>You look over and see him doing magic tricks.
>Basic, sleight of hand, human magic tricks.
>The fuck?
>He can do real magic.
>Your mind begins to wonder.
>If you killed Sage tonight, would anyone notice?
>Or care for that matter?
>He seems to be the jester of the town, causing trouble that you had to fix.
>You could probably get away and blame it on aristocratic jealousy.
>There were quite a few earth ponies here, probably from Canterlot, that would have wanted his magic.
>Or killed him since he was misusing his.
>But how?
>You sip your wine.
>You blink.
>Alcohol poisoning should do the trick.
>Do p0nies have proper treatment for that?
>Probably not. They don’t even have a legal drinking age.
>It’s perfect.

Sage
>At the ball.
>News Flash: It’s boring as fuck.
>Talking to all of these pretentious, wealthy snobs is life-draining.
>Gotta take a leak.
>You take your opportunity to leave and excuse yourself.
>You go the bathroom and start pissing in the sink, cause fuck.
>Pony bathrooms are awkward as fuck.
>While pissing, you get a great idea.
>Your best idea of the night.
>You use your magic to create a doppelganger.
>Picture perfect copy of yourself.
>He can enjoy this snorefest.
>You then go home and play some Dragon’s Crown.
>Genius

Sage doppelganger
>You exit the bathroom and take your seat.
>Some stallion screams and runs out of the bathroom.
>You chuckle.
>”You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
>Femanon doesn’t look too happy.
>”Listen, just sit down. This thing is only for an hour. I don’t want you embarrassing me. Any time you feel like doing something stupid, any time you want to take a fucking breath, just stay quiet, keep your trap shut, and drink something. Got that?”
>Every time you breathe?
>Shit, that’s a lot.
>You find yourself drinking every few seconds.
>Breathing and drinking.
>”Sage, are you alright? Your face is positively red.”
>Eventually, you black out.

Femanon
>Ha! It worked.
>He’s out cold.
>And probably dead in a couple of hours.
>Ponies start to gather around his unmoving body.
>You finish your glass of wine, pour yourself another, and drink that too.
>”Uhh, Anon, is there something wrong with him?”
>You look at Sage.
>He’s lying face down on the table.
“Sorry... he gets this way when he drinks way too much. I’ll get him out of your hair.”
>You excuse yourself and carry him out.
>And then promptly place him behind the bushes outside the boutique.
>Face up.
>Where he can drown in his own vomit for all you care.
>You break off your heels, cause fuck pumps, and walk back to your room.
>You laugh.
>You’re free.
>”FUCKING DEMONS!”
>You blink.
>That sounds like Sage.
>You peer your head through the doorway between your rooms.
>”Again?”
>You do a double take.
>And a triple one, just in case.
>Isn’t he supposed to be-...
>Didn’t you just leave him?
>Fuck.

Femanon
>You close the door.
>Just in case.
>Maybe it’s the wine?
>Causing you to hallucinate?
>You take a deep breath, and open the door.
>He’s still there.
”You... I-... I just- we... AAAAAAGH!”
>You throw your hands up in defeat.
>Knowing him, he probably just made a copy of himself.
>Great.
>You killed the lesser of his brain cells.
>Not that he had any.
>You walk over to your bed, collapse in it, and inwardly cry.
>Outwardly, you just wail a devastated scream.

Sage
“I fucking hate this game… Why did I conjure this one?”
“FUCKING DEMONS”
>Continue playing, ready to ragequit
>This game sucks more than that dragon dildo you gave to Femmy as a gift for Christmas.
>You look over to see Femmy open the door.
>She starts babbling nonsense
>The fuck is her problem?
>She throws her arms up
>You  beat her at something.
>But what?
>Fuck it.
>Continue playing
>You hear Femmy scream that daily scream
>The scream that lets you know that the day is over
>Bedtime.

/thread

Episode 2: OPtimistic guest starring as Sage.
(note, OPtimistic has a different writing format that we’re keeping for his sake)

>Be Femanon.
>You’re at Sweet Apple Acres, helping Applejack pick apples.
>She’s injured her leg after a small mishap with Sage.
>You carefully climb a small tree.
>You never really were good at climbing.
>You reach out and grab an apple, before losing your balance and falling.
>The orange pony breaks your fall.
>”Anon, why can’t ya just buck the trees? It’d sure save ya a lot of hassle and me from gettin’ any more bruises.”
>You sigh.
>You’ve picked maybe a few dozen apples over the course of five hours.
>She would have had the entire orchard cleared in seconds.
“I’m not a pony, Applejack. I can’t just kick a tree and make apples rain. Humans aren’t nearly that strong.”
>Applejack sighs.
>”I appreciate your help sugarcube, but we’re not gettin’ very far. Maybe I should get Rarity or Twilight to help instead?”
“Rarity is sick, and Twilight is…”
>You blink.
>Where is Twilight?

>Be Sage.
>You’re running like hell away from a purple unicorn.
>”Sage, wait!”
>Twilight gallops after you.
>”I’m not trying to hurt you!”
>The hell she isn’t!
>You saw needles and everything in the basement of the library.
>You’re willing to bet that her “analysis” involves some sort of probing.
>Femanon must have put her up to this.
“You’re not touching me with that stupid machine!”
>”It’s not stupid!”
>You throw some hay bales from a cart at her to slow her down.
>She narrowly dodges one.
>And walks straight into another.
>Direct hit!
>Score, twenty points!
>You pump a fist into the air and run off.
>Those things weighed like 50 pounds, easy.
>She’s gotta be unconscious.
>Ah well.
>You pluck a stray straw from your shirt and chew on the end.
>A thought hits you.
>You haven’t seen Femmy all day.
>Where is she?

Sage
>Maybe she went to the hotel?
>Even if she wasn’t there, you’d see her come home eventually.
>You look behind you.
>No purple unicorn in sight.
>You slow your pace down and head into Sugarcube Corner.
>The smell of chocolate cake and sweets makes you drool.
>Maybe you should bring cake home with you.
>Put a big giant one in Femmy’s room.
>With lots of frosting.
>Ooh, and ice cream!
>Girls love ice cream cake.
>You nod.
>Yeah, let’s go with that.
>”Hey there Sage! What would you like today?”
>Mrs. Cake greets you warmly, as always.
>You smile.
“One of your finest ice cream cakes please.”
>She smiles and disappears into the kitchen.
>The baking pony comes back with a double layer cake the size of your head.
>You hand her a few bits.
>Fantastic.
>Now all you need is cast an enlargement spell.
>You carry the cake back to your room, and kick open the door to Femmy’s side.
>Wait a sec.
>You set the cake down.
>You don’t know of any enlargement spells.
>You could summon a certain bottle of enlarging pills, but that wouldn’t work on a cake.
>You scratch your head.
>Wait.
>Idea!
>You slam the door, snap your fingers, do some jazz hands, and reopen it.
>A sudden wave of heat hits you.
>Purple smoke swirls around you.
>You reach in and grab a pony, and slam the door.
>The pony stares at you in surprise.
>You tell him what’s going on.
>”You want me to cast a spell to make this cake bigger?”
>You nod your head furiously.
>The red unicorn pony sighs.
>”Such a waste of my time…”
“What? Don’t devil ponies know how to do that?”
>”Yes… but it’ll cost you.”

Femanon
>You remember that you asked her a favor yesterday.
>To babysit Sage for a couple of hours while you helped Applejack.
>She was supposed to come get you an hour ago.
>You sigh.
“I’ll go get Twilight. You should just relax for now Applejack.”
>”Don’t you worry about me Anon. I’m perfectly fine. Look, my leg is all better!”
>She tries bucking a tree.
>And falls flat on her face.
>Yeah.
>Totally better.
“Just sit tight.”
>You pat dirt off of you and walk back into town.
>You see a small crowd gathering around a cart.
>Huh?
>What’s going on? Is there an accident?
>You push your way through.
>And see a purple pony clutching her head.
“Twilight?”
>She’s leaning against a hay bale.
>You walk over to her.
>”Anon? Wh-... huh?”
>She looks a little crosseyed.
“What happened?”
>”I-... Sage threw a hay bale at me.”
>He did what?
>Those things are like 50 pounds and Twilight looks like she was hit in the face.
>She could have a concussion.
“Fucking Sage...”
>You carefully help her up.
“Let’s get you to emergency care.”
>She doesn’t protest.

Sage
>Let's make this cake bigger.
>Fuckin' Lulu ult or someshit.
>What's it gonna cost?
>Not like you have any money or anything.
>Cake's some really expensive shit.
"You're going to have to pay with a month off of your life."
>Um...
>Deal.
"W-what? So decisive!"
>Pff... if Femmy wants a cake, she's getting a fuckin' cake.
"Are you absolutely sure?"
>What's a month off of your life?
>Not like you're gonna know or anything.
"One month is a long time... You know what you could accomplish?"
>Jack shit, you're gonna be old!
>Remember the last time an old guy tried to accomplish anything?
>How'd you get your powers again?
"Alright then... you're actually going to need to help me."
>Nigga, you're stacked to the max.
>You pat your needlessly large rod in your pocket.
>Ready to help in any way.

Femanon
>You help Twilight over to the medical tent.
>You keep her focused on you, making sure she doesn’t fall unconscious or anything.
>What the hell was Sage thinking? Twilight could be seriously injured right now!
>You call out to one of the nurses and leave the poor purple pony in her care.
>You turn on your heel and start stomping towards the hotel.
>Because if anything, Sage will be there.
>Probably playing video games, or doing something incredibly stupid and unproductive.
>Your fingers are crossed that he’s there.
>Because if he is?
>Holy shit.
>You’re going to wreck him.
>Absolutely tear him to bits.
>Give him a concussion of his own.

Sage
>You’re battling a nigger in space.
>If that’s what it takes to bake a pretty cake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdaOT72ieXs
>Should be a piece of cake.
>Um… uh…
>Jk, you’re on the ground… drawing a pentagram in condensed milk.
>You gotta make it pretty.
>Pretty pentagrams make for a cool cake.
“Good… good! Everything’s going to plan.”
>And… the door’s rumbling!
>Looks like Femmy couldn’t resist your chocolatey goodness.
>Shit, but the cake’s not ready yet!
>You try to draw a little faster.

Femanon
>You storm into you room.
>Three things catch your eye.
>Cake.
>Condensed milk fucking everywhere on the floor.
>And a red pony with cartoon-styled devilish ears and tail.
>Dafuq?
“... what are you doing?”
>”Happy… um… birthday! I got you a cake!”
“Birthday? It’s not my birthday. You know that… I’ve told you like fourteen times or something.”
>“You’re fourteen today?!”
“... I’ve told you fourteen times when my birthday is. WHICH IS NOT TODAY!”
>He shuts up.
>You huff and take a deep breath.
“Look, I get it. You’re an idiot. Just explain to me what the fuck you’re doing in-... what you’re doing to my room?”

Sage
>Wait, not her birthday?
>Holy shit, what day is it?
>September… kinda sounds like August, right?
>Almost.
“Well?”
>You tell her how you bought her a cake for her not-birthday. 
>And summoned a pony to make it bigger
[spoiler]>Same post?
>Lol, you try writing this shit.[/spoiler]
>She looks furious.
“I don’t want it.”
>Bitch don’t love no cake?
>Ah hell nah.
>You press her further, she better have this cake.
>Mary Antoinette’s having some.
“For the last time, no. I’m not having any cake!”
>You spent some serious dinero on this shit.
>She facepalms, sighs, and storms off.
>Well… you’ve got a unlarged cake… and a demon pony.
>Don’t forget a shit ton of condensed milk.
>You twiddle your thumbs.

Femanon
>Fuck this.
>You’re not about to deal with his shit right now.
>You storm away.
>Fucking buying a cake.
>For what reason?
>You blink.
>Wait, did he say buy?
>... with what money?
>You rummage around in your pockets.
>Son of a… 
>You dash back into your room.
>He’s still there, on his knees, face to the floor.
“Did you steal money from me? Again?”
>The can of condensed milk is in his hands… next to his face.

Sage
>Wow… this smells fantasmic.
>Even better than that one time you… 
>Uh…
>Yeah, better than that!
>You try to get a better smell of it.
>Oh fuck too close.
>Shit goes in your nose, and down your throat or whatever.
>Oh shit! What if that gets into your lungs?
>Meanwhile, Femmy’s over there tapping her foot like this is some kind of DDR level.
“Answer me, you dolt!”
>Oh… that was her money?
>You thought the cleaning pony left a tip!
>Cheap immigrant labor.
>Not even leaving tips.
“A tip? It was in my wallet, in MY ROOM!”
>That… was hers? You try to tell her sorry.
“... you’re dead!”
>She’s closing the distance on you.
>She wants a hug!

Femanon
>You leap at him and throw a punch to his face.
>”Ow!”
>He uses his magic to phase through your arms.
>That little...!
>You whip around and throw your fist at his back.
>And… you’ve hit nothing but air.
“Get back here Sage!”
>He can hurt Twilight.
>He can trash your room.
>He can even make you miserable without even trying.
>But he went through your stuff.
>And he’s going to pay.
>You run outside of the hotel and look around.
>But he’s gone.
>Fuck!

Sage
>Whew… thank fuck for TP.
>Shit…. 5 minute cooldown.
>Where are you, anyways?
>Not at a ward.
>Not at a tower.
>You take a look around… and you see a giant castle.
>Canterlot Castle?
>Bitchin.
>Now she’s gonna have to work for that hug.
>You meander through the city streets.
>It’s reached that point in the day where the streets are pretty bustling.
>But… you stick out like a hot girl at a [spoiler]brony convention[/spoiler]
>Wait, what does that even mean?
>Eh, whatever.
>Time for some fun.
>Maybe a little Robin Hood action?
>You waltz down the main street peering through stalls and vendors.

Femanon
>He’s gone.
>You breathe. In. Out.
>Fuck.
>You need to cool off.
>Sage is really starting to get to you.
>You’re lucky this time it was just a cake.
>But he stole this month’s rent.
>And wasted it.
>Damn it!
>You walk through Ponyville.
>This idiot is terrible.
>How can Celestia expect you to live with him?
>You blink.
>Sage just hurt Twilight.
>He also just summoned a devil pony.
>How can Celestia not listen to you after that?
>You sprint towards the library and break down the door.
“Spike!”
>”AHHH!”
>The dragon dives for cover behind some books.
>”Wha- huh? Anon?”
“Spike. I need you to write a letter to Celestia. Now.”
>He stares at you.
>”Why?”
“Now!”
>The dragon jumps.
>He grabs a quill and scroll and unravels it nervously.
>”Uh… okay…”
“Princess Celestia. I have a request that I need to be addressed, as soon as possible.”
>Spike nervously scribbles down as you dictate.
“Sage is out of control. I found him destroying my room and stealing from my belongings. He’s summoned a devil, and he’s even gone and hurt Twilight! He must be dealt with immediately.”

Sage
>Time to give to the rich and steal from the poor!
>Oh… did I get that right?
>Give to the steel and pour to the rich!
>You start to ask around.
>Anybody know where Blueblood lives?
>Some really slim and shady looking pony guy looks at you.
“Ah can show you.”
>Sweet!
>You follow him around, through dungeons deep and caverns old.
>As you reach… what seems to be a decent manor, Slim Shady over here turns around and squints at you.
“You tryna steal something? I’ve been casin’ the joint for days now.”
>He’s walking close to you. Gettin up in yo’ grill.
“Man, you’d best step off my job, bruh.”
>He’s getting real friendly right now.
>Sleepy wave!
>You jazz hands in front of his eyes.
>And Slim Shady just became Slim Sleepy.
>You’ve got a beautiful looking residence in front of you…
>Not to mention a sleeping gangster.

Femanon
>”Uh, Anon? There isn’t a single request in this letter.”
“Just send it.”
>Spike grumbles and sends the letter.
>You continue doing breathing exercises.
>Crap.
>Not helping.
>You need a drink.
>You go into the kitchen and start looking around.
“Spike? Do you have anything mindnumbing to drink?”
>He looks at you.
>”N-no.”
>He burps up a letter.
>A response!
“Anonymous. Twilight Sparkle is my personal student and a very capable pony. She should be fine. I will look into the demon matter, thank you for bringing this to my attention. However I have a more pressing matter at hand here in Canterlot involving a prince, so I will have to address your request at a later time. -Princess Celestia.”
“WHAT?!”
>You feel like you’re going to faint.
“Spike, I need that drink now…”

Sage
>You Solid Snake your way into the manor.
>First… an unlocking spell on the front gate.
>He’s never gonna expect that one.
>You pass through the front gate, giving your back a check
>Oh shit. You forgot someone was taking a nap!
>You drag his body somewhere a little more comfortable.
>That mat looks pretty soft.
>You lay him down gently on the welcome mat.
>There we go. Now he can have a good dream.
>Comfy bed, comfy dream.
>Taking a look through a window, you see nobody.
>Time to Danny Phantom.
>You phase shift through. Time to play.
>You begin running through the mansion, as quietly as you can.
>Paradoxes lel
>And… you pocket anything that can fit in your robe.
>Arc of the Covenant.
>Holy Grail
>Sip until your cup runneth over.
>Nope, not today.
>You pick up one more golden object… 
>And you can’t move?
>You drop the golden object, and you can move again.
>Fucking overencumberance game mechanics.
“Halt, who goes there?”
>Not an invisible guy. Definitely not.
“Huh? O-okay then.”
>Time to go.
>And you’ve got a robeload of treasure, heading out to the front door.
>You feel something heavy fall out.
>Oh shit.
>Now’s not the time, you gotta fuckin’ bounce.
>The sleepy pony stirs.
>And you don’t wanna find out if he had a bad dream or not.
>I mean, you tried, but… oh well.
>But he’s sleeping on the most important object of all!
>The welcome mat.
>You grab his arm and try to pull.
“Hold it right there, criminal scum!”
>You freeze, Slim Shady in hand.
“Thank you, kind sir, for stopping this hoodlum!”
>Nuh problem brah.
“Ey man, I didn’t do nothin!”
>You walk away fiddling some coin in your hand.

Femanon
>You reread the letter again.
>She cannot be serious.
>She’s ignoring you completely.
>Doesn’t she understand how incredibly awful Sage is?
>How he’s literally killing off every single fiber of motivation and happiness you have left?
>How he’s fucking up and hurting people in Ponyville?
>He fucking got Rarity sick.
>Sprained Applejack’s hoof with a “prank”
>And gave Twilight a concussion.
>He’s already killed the greater part of your sanity.
>You dejectedly trudge to your room back in your hotel and stare at the stained carpeting.
>Oh god.
>He drew a pentagram.
>No, that’s it.
>You have to do it.
>You have to remove him from the picture.
>You notice the can of condensed milk is still sitting on the ground.
>... maybe you could poison him?
>I mean, yeah… he already drank himself to death once.
>Though it wasn’t actually him…
>He’s not too bright. Poison could work.
>You look around and find some laundry detergent that the idiot magicked up one night.
>That’ll work.
>You pour a significant amount into the can and set it on his bedside table.
>Now you just have to wait.

Sage
>Let’s head back in there.
>You see the guard hall off the drowsy pony … somewhere.
>Hopefully to a better place where he can sleep.
>Floorsleeping isn’t comfy.
>Just ask Femmy.
>You go through the neighhhh borhood.
[spoiler]muh puns[/spoiler]
>You find a decent apartment complex.
>The clerk up front stops you.
“Hello there, are you new here?”
>Um… kinda.
>You’re just visiting a friend.
“Who is it?”
>You… um… 
>X-ray vision!
>You’re staring at his dick.
>You look back up at a registry. Seeing lists of names.
>Banquet sign in from a month ago?
>Which one sounds fanciest?
>Celestia.
”The princess? You’re friends with the Princess?”
>Uh… yeah, sure, let’s go with that.
“Oh my…”
>The clerk calls a royal guard over.
>Stiff and quiet here mindlessly leads you to the castle.
>Damn son.
>This shit’s dope.
>You spot a golden vase in the lobby and pocket it in your robe.
“Sage? What wonderful timing.”
>Sunbutt say wut?
“I received a letter from your companion, Anonymous.”
>Aww… she’s writing about you?
>She really does care.
“Do you have any idea what this could be about? Devil summoning? An attack on Twilight Sparkle?”
>Not ringing any bells.
[spoiler]>Well, at least I can’t remember that far back.[/spoiler]
“Anonymous… she must be under some stress. Sage?”
>You stand up straight.
“Do me a favor and make sure she’s happy. Bring her a cake. On me.”
>She writes a royal decree ordering a large chocolate cake.
>Oh… wouldja look at that… TP’s off cooldown.
>Back home!
>You zoop on over to the hotel, and jog right on over to Sugarcube Corner.
>Did Applejack name this place?
>You’ve got the voucher in hand.




Femanon
>”Oh my goodness! A royal decree?”
>You hear a voice from next door.
>Is that Mrs. Cake?
>”I have just the thing!”
>Royal decree?
>What does she mean by that?
>You have no idea.
>Do you even care?
>Not rea- wait.
>The letter.
>Why would Princess Celestia order something from the Cakes?
>Is that what royal matter the princess was talking about?
>You groan.
>So apparently, cake is more important to her royal highness than the wellbeing of a lowly, pathetic, girl.
>Fuck.
>That makes you angry.
>Angry enough to give Celestia a verbal flip off.
>You’re going to have Spike send another letter.
>You get up and open the door.
>Only to see a giant cake flood your field of view.
>”Anon!”
>Mr. Cake seems to be struggling, carrying the enormous thing.
>You step back and away, giving him room to bring it in.
>You see a slice has already been cut out of it.
>Why the fuck is a cake being delivered to your door?
>”Compliments of Princess Celestia.”
>You hear a voice say.
>You turn and look at your magical human friend.
>He smacks his lips and licks his fingers.
“So delicious.”
>He’s not a friend.
>He’s an enemy.

Sage
>She looks happy! Sweet.
>Cake was a great and original idea.
>Celestia’s so smart.
>Why couldn’t you think of that?
>That cake was definitely not a lie.
>[spoiler]#2chaaaaainz[/spoiler]
>Real niggas say word.
>You cut a slice from the top tier and put it on a plate, handing it to Femmy.
“...”
>It’s from Celestia! Take some!
“I-... uh…”
>S-she… doesn’t want any?
“I’m… flattered? I don’t know what to-.... why don’t you have some?”
>Her voice sounds a little off.
>You already had some… and you’re pretty stuffed.
>It’s some good ass cake doe
>She walks over to your bedside, in her hands… a can of condensed milk?.
>Mamma Sage always used to let you lick the spoon when she stirred that stuff in!
>She innocently hands you the can.
>Maybe one more slice wouldn’t hurt.
>She smiles as you pour some of that goodness on your chocolate.
>You’re drizzling it all over.
>Taking a spoon to the cake, you guide it slowly to your mouth.
>Mama Sage always used to feed you.
>Femmy seems overjoyed that she shared her cake with you that her smile is twitching.
>You let the chocolate goodness slip into your mouth.
>Letting the creamy syrup send your taste buds into a sugar shock.
>Doublenice.
>White milk and brown chocolate together.
>This is how the world should be.
>Pure and sweet.
>You kick back and let the cake digest.
>Femanon looks excited.

Femanon
>He did it.
>He ate it.
>He ate it!
>No clones.
>No freaky doppelgangers.
>No second chances.
>You can hardly contain your enjoyment.
>You’re free!
>For real this time.
>You sit on the edge of the bed and stare at him.
>Waiting until he falls over in pain.
>And when he finally realizes what has happened, it’ll be too late.
>He’ll be gone.
>He’ll be out of your hair.
>You’ll live a peaceful life in Equestria that doesn’t require fixing his mistakes.
>Ten minutes of silence pass.
>Then twenty.
>The fuck?
>Then thirty.
>What’s going on?
>He should be crying right now, clutching his stomach in pain.
>He should be foaming at the mouth, unable to breath.
>Why the fuck is this imbecile still breathing?
>”You haven’t eaten any of the cake yet, Anon.”
>Mr. Cake says nervously.
>What?
>”It’s a special cake. We had some very special ingredients from the Everfree Forest in it.”
>Special… ingredients?
>That’s not-... it can’t possibly-....
>Your spirit shatters.
>You quietly ask Mr. Cake to leave.
>You can’t deal with this shit right now.
>You raise your hand to a flinching Sage.
“You….”
>You can barely breathe.
“D-don’t… say anything... to me. Just eat the cake… and go to sleep.”
>You walk over to your bed, collapse in it, and outwardly cry.
>Inwardly, your heart lets out a screaming wail of devastation.

Sage
>You’re surprised.
>She’s not doing her almighty day-ending yell.
>It’s a sad, sobbing cry.
>You try to ask her what’s wrong.
“J-just go away...”
>Why?
“G-get out!”
>Bitch tosses a pillow.
>Don’t need no magic to dodge that one.
>But you do as she says.
>Maybe she just doesn’t like chocolate?
>A lot of people don’t like chocolate.
>You ask her if she wants the condensed milk instead.
>She pauses a bit before groaning again.
>Okay,so she doesn’t have a sweet tooth at all.
>Can’t be helped.
>You float the cake over into the refrigerator, moving all leftovers to the right.
>Rightovers.
>You write down on a piece of paper and stick it onto the fridge.
“Femmy,
Cake is in the fridge. I’ll be playing Skyrim. Love ya. Sweet dreams.”

/thread

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